Helene Lerner's Blog, page 28

3 Signs That It’s Time To Break Up

One of the hardest lessons in life is learning to let go. This is especially true when it comes to breaking up with someone who just isn’t right for you. These are 3 times when you know it's time to end a relationship:

Little communication
Communication is key to a healthy relationship. If you’re not talking for long periods of time, and when you do talk the conversation isn’t fulfilling, it may be time to confront the issue.

Anger
If your partner consistently gets angry when you make time with your friends and family, that’s a problem. There may be an issue of control, an early sign of an abusive relationship.

You’re not being treated right
Your gut knows it’s time to go, but you might second-guess yourself. If that happens, ask yourself: “Am I truly happy here?” The answer is “no.”

- Barbara Bent

For more, watch "6 Ways to Know It's Time to Break Up"

4 Ways To Take EXTRA Care Of Yourself When You Are STRESSED

 

4 Ways To Take EXTRA Care Of Yourself When You Are STRESSED

If you are feeling stressed, try these 4 methods of self-care:

1. Don't "should on yourself"
Watch your critical mind-talk. Don't keep telling yourself what you haven't done, rather, appreciate all that you've been doing.

2. Stay away from toxic people
As much as you can, remove yourself from people who "drain" you--the "takers" you know.

3. Give yourself some down-time
We all are busy, but you can take 15 minutes out of a crazy day, and use it in an enjoyable way--even if it is to read People magazine.

4. This too shall pass
Know what you are going through won't last forever. This may be a particularly difficult time, but you are probably taking action to resolve the issue.

4 Things That Happen When You Don’t Share Your True Feelings

It's scary to open up and really express how you feel. Some people may run from your anger, or may not want to hear about your sadness because it makes them uncomfortable. But if you "stuff" your feelings, here's what can happen.

1. You lose your aliveness. When you are not yourself, life can seem very bland, and you can become depressed.

2. You aren't authentic and that creates distance between the two of you.

3. You don't feel good about yourself. You know you "should" be doing it differently.

4. You create a lot of "stories" and have to remember which ones you've told--that becomes tedious.

It takes courage to let someone who how you really feel. Start taking small steps today. Those small steps create change in a big way.

5 Ways Not to Let Angry People Bring You Down

Ok admit it: The first thing we want to do when dealing with an angry person is to get them to STOP being angry. Our tendency is to want THEM to change! 

Rather, Be Impeccable for your 50%. Instead of trying to get them to calm down, calm yourself down. Be the one who is level headed and can offer better solutions to the issue. 

The way you talk to them can lead to calm and better solutions to their problem. How to do that?

1. Use ‘cooling breath’. It literally detoxifies negative emotions from your liver and helps you to feel ‘cooled off’. And even more relevant, not only does it calm you down but it calms the other person down! (Yes, I stop fights on the NYC subways from across the subway car just by doing cooling breath. Try it!)

2. Blend with them verbally (by repeating their name, or restating their emotion or request) or nonverbally (by lowering your voice pitch and slowing down the pace)

3. “Match before Move”. First, Empathize. Once you are back in the thinking part of your brain and out of emotional hijack, you can start to connect with that person. Acknowledge what they are feeling, appreciate that person feels upset because they are not in control of something that is important to them even if you don’t agree with it. So ‘Match’ (what they feel now) before you try to ‘Move’ (influence them to feel or act differently). An angry person needs to feel you ‘get them’ and their concerns before they can calm down or be led toward constructive problem solving.   

4. Help solve the problem that is angering them. Ask clarifying, structuring questions to understand the facts and help that person get back into the thinking part of their brain too. Summarize what you heard and ask for confirmation. Be creative about a plan to resolve the issue. Communicate that plan confidently and concisely so they feel you will help them. 

5. Bonus: How not to let it affect your day! After interacting with a person who is angry, it often takes you off of your course. How can you not stay angry the rest of the day after someone has made you angry?  

Tell a different story about why they are acting angry. If you judge them, you will see them as a ‘jerk’ and intruding on your life. You will want to avoid - not partner - with them.

Instead, if you have compassion that they are in a crunch moment you will calm yourself down as well.  

Cooling breath is great way to prevent reacting. But once you are already angry or frustrated how can you work it through your body so it doesn’t consume your attention the rest of the day?  

Here’s where “the Karate Chop” will come in handy. Place your hands in front of your abdomen area with palms facing one another. Start moving your hands up and down as if you were chopping the air (that’s what you are doing, dissolving the negative energy from that person!) 

Do that for 2-3 minutes and all your negative emotion will go away. You may not even remember that the person made you angry in the first place!

 

 

 

- Sharon Melnick
You can download your copy of my free report Sleep Under Stress: 19 ways to Get to Sleep and Wake up Rested at http://www.sharonmelnick.com/sleep

3 Ways to Get Over the Hurdle of Being Shy

Many of us are shy and you would never guess that. Don’t judge yourself for being that way, and don’t let it stop you from getting the things you want in life. These tips will help you “step out” even when you’re afraid to do so.

1. Bottom Line
You have something important to contribute. Notice your physical body and whatever sensations you are feeling, i.e., tightness around the throat, shortness of breath, etc.

You can feel uncomfortable and take the next step to achieve a goal, whether it’s personal or professional.

2.  Mirror, mirror…
the person across from you, who seems confident and competent, probably feels the same way you do. But watch her behavior – she doesn’t let that stop her from meeting and greeting new people.

3. Really take an interest in the people you’re meeting.
Jump in, ask them questions, listen to what they have to say.  Try to make your agenda secondary.

 

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3 Ways To Confront Rude People On The Spot

Here are some choices you have in dealing with people that may not realize how negative they really are.

1. Look them straight in the eye, and say NOTHING. Of course you feel angry, feel your feelings and then move on.

2. Say how you feel (whether they receive it or not), and don’t belabor the point.

3. Don’t acknowledge them at all, just keep going.

Keep your focus, don’t let them distract you. The problem is with them, not YOU. Their attitude probably affects lots of people.

What they give out, will probably come back to them in spades.  And if you can muster up any compassion, know that they probably lead miserable lives.

5 Times When It's Okay Not to Be Strong

1. You feel you are on the verge of a meltdown. You are stretched to the limit.

2. You are feeling intense grief due to a loss.

3. You've taken on things for someone else that they should be doing.

4. You simply need time for yourself to replenish.

5. You are reevaluating your priorities and how to spend your time.

5 Ways to Deal with a Narcissist

This week a client shared with me that her boss says inappropriately negative things about her.

Another client told me about a peer who wouldn’t get her the materials needed, took credit for their work, would throw out barbs that made my client look bad.

If you have someone in your life who treats you that way, you often spend too much time ‘talking to’ that person in your mind:  “why did you do that?”, “you shouldn’t be that way!” Have you spent hours or even days trying to figure that person out?

I have! There is a name of the kind of person who is wrapped up in themselves, and makes you ‘less than’ in order for them to feel ‘more than’. They are a ‘narcissist’. 

I used to take that kind of behavior personally and think their put-downs were true about me.  Yes, I’ve pulled my hair out trying to figure out how I could ‘get them’ to see my point of view.   

The big shift for you is to switch from ‘talking to THEM’ in your mind, to ‘talking with YOURSELF’ in your mind.   

Here are 3 things to always keep in mind about a narcissist: 

First, they feel powerless on the inside, so they try to control people on the outside to feel powerful. They put you down in order to feel ‘one up’. 

Second, they only know what they feel in the moment. They don’t remember what they’ve said in the past so it might appear they are changing their mind. They lash out with what they feel and often don’t take responsibility for it later. 

Third, it’s rarely about you.

Here are 5 strategies to stay strong and not react when dealing with a narcissist:

1. Turn “React” into “Expect”
Part of what makes you react is that you feel caught off guard. So, take control! Expect them to be limited! Then when they do their difficult behavior you can say “Score! I predicted you’d do something like that! You are being SO YOU!”  

2. Shine Them On
If your effective means of influencing don’t lead to improvement, accept they are revealing they are incapable of change. Go into maintenance mode to protect yourself and avoid confrontation: Just kill them with kindness, go along with them, and help them look good. 

3. Meet Power with Power
Narcissists respond to power. Avoid a public confrontation, but share facts or a differing point of view in private. If you are truly right, they will be less apt to push you around next time. Be deferential to avoid confrontation, but don’t feel powerless. Move the work forward despite them. For example, if they don’t get you the work you need, tell them: "I'm emailing you with a heads up I’ll be sending to our boss whatever pieces of the presentation have been assembled by Thursday at 5pm for the Friday meeting" (i.e., even if theirs is not included).  

4. Humor Yourself
When they are inappropriate or loud, let them blow off steam without taking every word seriously. Imagine that person is like the teacher character in the famous American “Peanuts” cartoon, just vague blabbering in the background. Or imagine a sarcastic remark that would feel delicious to reply with. Use humor to get you through (as long as you keep it private!!)

5. Practice Extreme Sport Compassion
You only have to deal with this unpleasant person for a few minutes a day, but they have to live with their own personality 24-7-365. Have compassion on them. They do not have the same ability as you have to form meaningful connections with others. You are the one who ultimately can have the good life they can’t.

 

 

- Sharon Melnick
You can download your copy of my free report Sleep Under Stress: 19 ways to Get to Sleep and Wake up Rested at http://www.sharonmelnick.com/sleep

6 Quotes From Strong Women to Inspire You Throughout the Day

6 Quotes From Strong Women to Inspire You Throughout the Day

Do you need a little inspiration to get you through a tough day? Take some advice from these strong women and keep your head up.

1. “She doesn’t require constant approval for others, and has the ability to handle any situation without falling apart.”
– Linda Gass

2. “Do the things that truly make you happy, rather than trying to do things that you think would make other people happy, or things that you think should make you happy. Be true to yourself, because no one else knows how to do that for you.”
– Pai-Ling Yin

3. “She perseveres regardless of the odds and circumstances. You don’t know how strong you are until you’ve hit “bottom” and survived.”
– Jill Stover

4. “She fears heights but climbs anyway, knowing that the journey will fill her with courage and accomplishments, and the view from the top will fill her soul.”
– Jennifer Emrich

5. “She stays poised to keep others from feeling afraid when she’s faced with terrifying situations.”
– Lorena Epstein

6. “A strong woman continues to work on the front lines of hopelessness and plants a seed of hope.”
– Carol Etherington

Adapted from What Makes a Strong Woman by Helene Lerner

How To Manifest A Soul Mate When You Think You Can’t

Many of us in the dating scene can mask our discouragement in thinking, “it will never happen to me, or I’m just (fill in the blank, whatever “old story” you are telling yourself). Yes, online and face to face dating can be challenging, but is there something going on that’s deeper, are you feeling unworthy of finding true love? Here are some ways to declutter your negative mind-talk.

1. Stay positive.
When a thought pops up in mind like, “I’ve been married and divorced, and good guys are hard to come by, it probably won’t happen again,” or “I keep attracting unavailable men and can’t seem to change that,” question those ideas by asking yourself, “Is that really true?” There may be an element of truth to it, but the severity of those statements isn’t true.

2. Indulge in the fantasy.
Yes, relationship experts will tell you to make a list of the qualities you want in a mate, so do it. Then, throughout the day, allow yourself to think of what it would be like if a special person were sharing these activities with you. If negative mind-chatter rises, just watch it like an objective observer. Don’t let it distract you.

3. Keep your heart open.
Of course, you are whole and complete on your own, but you’re looking for a like-minded individual. Who knows where the two of you will meet? It could be on a bus, or taking your dog for a walk, don’t close yourself off to chance occurrences.