Helene Lerner's Blog, page 26

5 Signs Your Love is the Real Thing

Making a commitment to someone can be one of the hardest things we ever do. You may be in love with someone, but knowing if it is the real thing can feel elusive and confusing. With so many intense emotions, how can you be sure this is something that will last? While there are no guarantees, here are a few telling signs:

You’ve Seen It All
“Love is not blind- it sees more and not less, but because it sees more it is willing to see less.” -Will Moss. In the words of my high school teacher, “you’ve been through four seasons and a road trip and still like each other.” You’ve experienced hard times together, accept them as they are, and still love them fully and completely.

You Feel Lucky
Just as you want to be with someone who feels lucky to be with you, you should feel the same way about your partner. You are aware of their flaws, and you also see and admire their goodness. When you wake up, when you kiss, when you see them sitting across the table, you wonder how you got so lucky to be with them.

You Want to Share Life Together
When you imagine your future, the other person is in it. The idea of being by each other’s side through a lifetime makes you feel excited and happy. You love sharing experiences with them, and you want to share a lifetime together.

You Can Grow Together
They bring out the best in you, and you know that you complement each other. While your temper rages, his calm nature cools you off. When his fear of taking risks creeps up, your love of adventure pushes him to try. You know that time together will help you both become the best you can be, and you know that you are both committed through thick and thin.

Your Friends Know
Those who love and know you best agree this is something special. They notice how you light up when you are together, how you smile when you talk about him, and how you seem to be happier overall. Insight from those you trust is another clear sign this love is real.

If you feel that your love might not be the real thing, remember that “single doesn’t mean you don’t know anything about love, it just means you know enough to wait for it.”

 

 

 

- Jennie Swenson, Parent Educator and Positive Youth Development Specialist

5 Things Strong Women Won't Put Up With From Anyone, EVER

1. Disrespect.
She's worked too long to get where she is today. She treats all people with respect and expects the same.

2. Lack of Loyalty.
If you want to be on her team, she is loyal to a fault. But cross her and she will not be forgiving, she will be warned.

3. Lack of Integrity.
She is transparent, what you see if what you get. Don't tell her one thing and do something else. That will not fly.

4. Keeping it ALL for You.
She is generous to a fault and expects people she works with to give 100 percent. If you are a "taker," be warned.

5. Being Careless.
She feels when someone is sloppy, it is a sign of not caring. If you want to get her on your side, you need to do your best.

4 Reasons Stubborn People Will Never Say “I'm Sorry”

You know those people, in dealing with them,  you can never really win. They always have the last word, and they care more about themselves than anyone else.

Here's why they will never apologize. When you are more aware of what motivates them, they will not have power over you.

1. They can't admit their room. They are so defensive that they build a wall around them.

2. They can empathize with how their actions affect you.

3. Even if they know their wrong, they don't want you to get the upper hand.

4. They see the words "I'm sorry," as a sign of weakness. (Of course, you an I know that being able to apologize is a strength).

5 Signs You’re Working Too Much Without Getting Much Back

You’re irritable
You’re not sleeping well, you have little energy, and you’re snapping at people.

You’re not having much fun
You’re too intense, serious most of the time, and haven’t been laughing (which is part of your nature).

No one is giving you credit
Your boss is taking all the credit for the effort that you’re putting in, without commenting on the great work you’re doing.

You’ve been promised things that haven’t come through
You’ve had a discussion about your next move, but there’s nothing on the horizon.

You’re not seeing results
You very much pride yourself in being able to make a difference, but all the effort you’ve been putting out recently doesn’t seem to be having a big impact.

If you have several of these signs, you might reevaluate how much effort you’re putting into your work, and how you’re spending your time.

3 Signs You Are Giving Too Much

Giving is a good thing. But when you are giving to "People Please" and not because you want to, you are definitely giving too much. How do you know?

1. You find yourself resenting the person. You said yes but you overextended yourself and are angry at that person--but you don't tell her.

2. You physically feel exhausted. You really can't take on another thing, but you did, and you're running on empty.

3. You have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no, so you say YES instead. You don't know the in between, but there is one, for example, "Sorry I can't help this time, try Caroline. Call on me for something else."

5 Reasons You Deserve True Love

We all say we want it, but some of us haven't manifested it as yet. Why? Perhaps, deep down we feel unworthy. Here are some things that may counteract that.

1. You were born; it's your birthright to be loved.

2. Although you probably make a lot of mistakes (like we all do), you have done some wonderful things that have helped other people. Acknowledge that.

3. Deep down, beyond anger, fear, and sadness, is LOVE. You are love, as you give it out, you open yourself up to receive it as well. You put yourself in the flow of receiving.

4. You are not opposed to doing some of the work that enables you to receive true love, like visualizing exactly what you want.

5. Someone (the right and perfect person for you) is out there, getting ready to connect with you. Use the 4 reasons above to keep you open to the connection.

5 Things to Learn from Unhappy People

1. Doom and gloom mentality
The sky is always "falling." Nothing is ever right. The negative vibes they give off make it difficult to be around them. Learn: Look for small things in your day that are positive.

2. Don't feel worthy of love
They are overly critical of other people, but truth be told, they dislike themselves. Learn: Even if you're not feeling great, "Act as if" you are.

3. Always saving for tomorrow
Learn: Life is to be lived today. Do something special, just for you.

4. Don't take pride in their accomplishments
Learn: Share a few things each week that you are proud of with a friend. (Make it a mutual exchange).

5. Hoard possession
They are not generous. Learn: Be a giver. Share the wealth and offer kindness to total strangers.

9 Ways Confident Women Handle Someone Who Puts Them Down

Here are 9 ways confident women RISE ABOVE it when others put them down. Be prepared to carry out any of these strategies in case it ever happens to you... 

Rise Above
What are the qualities and attributes of who YOU want to show up as? Don’t take it personally or let the other person dictate how you will show up. Instead, Act in the service of who you want to be!

Ignore
The person who puts you down is trying to put themselves ‘one up’. Show your composure with ‘cooling breath’ (a reverse breath in which you breathe in through your mouth as if you are sipping through a straw, then breathe out through your nose). Not only does it calm YOU down, it calms the other person as well! 

Stand up for yourself
Believe in your value as a well-meaning and smart person. Look the person in the eye and tell them why you are proud of who you are and what you’ve done/haven’t done. Try to stay neutral and not let your emotions hijack you because it will help your defense be taken seriously. 

Engage
Ask the person more about what they meant by their comment. Maybe when they restate it in a constructive way there will be a kernel of truth and helpful feedback for you (or if they can’t say more, it reveals the shallowness of their attack or their unconscious bias). “Can you tell me more what you mean…?”

Appreciate
When you raise the energy of the situation by turning their put down into a positive, it’s very disarming to the person playing the “lowball.” For example, if someone interrupts or puts you down, you could say “Thanks for having so much passion about what I was saying. To build on what you said…” or “Thanks for putting so much thought into how I’ve been acting…” 

Bring in Allies
A powerful way women can defend themselves (and also have their accomplishments celebrated) is to have other people speak on your behalf.  If a man or a woman can speak up to defend you – whether in the moment or later - it can be even more powerful than if you do it yourself. So women, remember! Be prepared to step in for one another! 

Own Your 50%
Consider whether you did something that played a role in the interaction that might have made the other person feel disrespected and attack you back… If so, start by taking responsibility for your 50%, even apologizing if it’s justified. You will see the other person show a lot more goodwill to you after you’ve done that. 

View the Alternative Story
Your first explanation of why the person put you down will come from your gut. But neither “that person’s a jerk” or “they are right, I’m not good enough” is ever true – these judgments about your self or others are simply stress-reaction shorthands.  Require of yourself to look at the facts of the situation to understand why that person really said what they did. They might seem like a jerk at first, but upon further examination maybe they were under a lot of pressure or unhappy, they misunderstood what happened between the two of you and reacted badly, etc. It might seem at first that their put down was true of you, but upon further examination they didn’t know about all the good things you had done so their conclusion was false, or all the things you said/did were right but you didn’t communicate it persuasively, or they are dismissive as a person and their words had nothing to do with you, etc. Tell a story that helps you show up as who YOU want to be. 

Exit the Situation Quickly
No need to linger around the energy of a toxic person. Don’t continue to give them an opportunity to take out their unhappiness or insecurity on you. Make your response to them and then gracefully exit the situation.  NEXT! Find your next situation in which you can make the contribution you’ve been put here to make.

 

 

 

- Sharon Melnick
You can download your copy of my free report Sleep Under Stress: 19 ways to Get to Sleep and Wake up Rested at http://www.sharonmelnick.com/sleep

4 reasons negative people never say I'm sorry

When you deal with negative people you can never really win. They always have the last word, and they care more about themselves than anyone else.

If you understand what really motivates them, you will gain a better handle in dealing with them.

Here's why they can't apologize. 

1. They can't admit their wrong. They are so defensive that they build a wall around them.

2. They can empathize with you. So, of course, they can't take responsibility for their actions. 

3. Even if they know they're wrong, they don't want you to get the upper hand.

4. They see the words "I'm sorry," as a sign of weakness. (You and I know that being able to apologize is a strength).

Negative people send off negative vibes. In fact, when you get space from them, you may feel drained. So if you have to deal with them, do, but in a limited way. And if you don't, stay clear of them. Go where it's warm.

 

5 Phrases that Kill a Great Mood

How many of these do you use? And what price do you pay by using them?

1.You're killing me. Said in the heat of the moment when you are angry and frustrated.

2. I tried, it's just not working.  Can discourage anyone.

3. It will never happen. Puts a damper on any sort of teamwork.

4. I don't trust you. Would make someone feel defensive.

5. It's not possible for me. Puts "hope" on the back-burner.

Throughout the day, when you are about to say any of these, think twice.

Also, what other phrases do you use that bring you down?