Helene Lerner's Blog, page 29

5 Things to Tell Yourself When Life Seems Unfair

5 Things to Tell Yourself When Life Seems Unfair

1. It will not last forever. Everything changes.

2. Forgive yourself for any role you've played.

3. Blaming other people gets you nowhere.

4. You are not unique. Everyone has their own patch of unhappiness.

5. This will make you stronger (even though you don't believe that now).

7 Deadly Habits of Negative People and How to Stay Clear of Them

They’re everywhere—at school, the office, maybe even in our homes. Just because we associate with negative people or even love them doesn’t mean we have to stoop to their level of negativity. Watch out for these seven deadly habits of negative people:

1. Talking about their own problems all the time
Negative people love to dwell in their own sorrow. Careful, because they’ll try to take you down that road with them. Try changing the subject when they start running their mouths. 

2. Pointing out others’ flaws
Criticism is the prize tool of a negative person, but not the “good” kind of criticism. Often, negative folks judge others based on just about anything they want. They might try to get you to join in on the judging, so beware.

3. Pessimistic about an outcome
Whether it was a difficult test or a meeting that seemed less than smooth, a negative person will always assume the worst. They love to be bearers of bad news and sulk in the doom. Rise above it! Remind yourself that things will work out, and if you keep a positive outlook, it will eventually work in your favor.

4. Always saying “no”
These people never like to try anything new. “No” is their magic word. An easy way to combat this negativity is to try saying “yes” as much as possible. You won’t believe the new discoveries you’ll make!

5. Too critical of their own work
Negative people will be far too self-critical. They may use this technique to mask their own jealousy of someone else’s work. Don’t fall into a trap where you become too self-conscious about what you do.

6. Never asking for help
Pride is their best friend. Though some people do have trouble asking for help, it’s a habit you should shake. There is absolutely no shame in asking for someone’s opinion or for a helping hand when you feel clueless. 

7. Blaming other people
These folks hate to own up to their actions. Often, they see blaming others as an easy way out. Being honest with yourself is the best way to ensure that negativity stays far away.

- Barbara Bent

4 Steps To Help You Speak Up For Yourself

No one really likes making waves, and when you speak up for yourself, you risk doing that. But if you keep in what you really feel, you eat away at your aliveness.

I offer these tips to support you to do things differently. 

1. Call on your courage
Think of a time you sat there and didn't speak up – how horrible did you feel? Probably very, so muster up your courage to get the words out.

2. Be short and to the point
Collect your thoughts. What do you really want to say and why is it necessary? After you write this down, ask yourself, is there anything more? If so, add it to the list. Role-play with a supportive friend so you can practice sharing.

3. You are doing the other person a favor
Think of it this way, the other person probably treats lots of people like this. If you hold back, they are not getting your honest feedback which could be useful for them in the long run.

4. Reflect on how your relationship will be stronger
Important things left unsaid usually create resentment. Being able to share honestly brings people closer together. Whether in business or in your personal life, it is the foundation for loyalty and trust.

How to Cut Ties With Someone Who’s Not Good For You

One of the toughest decisions in life is choosing to end a romantic relationship or friendship. Whether it’s a significant other or someone close to you in your life, sometimes it’s healthier for your well being to end that relationship. The hardest part is making the decision that you must let that person go. It may take a while, but you’ll be able to tell if they need to be out of your life and you must have the self-confidence to allow yourself to let this happen. 

• Once you realize the person is toxic to you, it’s best to end it as soon as possible. Maybe they’re jealous, have a negative outlook on life or are downright rude and hurtful towards you. 

• If you’re close friends with or dating someone who doesn’t make you feel like your best self, then it’s time to leave. 

• Or, if you feel that they’re not letting you act your true self around them, then they’re toxic and it’s time to say goodbye. 

• One way to handle this is to confront the person and tell them how you feel and why you need to let them go. This is especially true for someone you’re dating. 

• Don’t feel like you have to respond to their texts and phone calls. Stop reaching out to them as much or stop frequenting places you know they’ll be. 

• If it’s too tough to end it all at once, separating slowly and making new relationships with positive people along the way is the best bet.

- Barbara Bent

8 Phrases That Open Doors to Success

8 Phrases That Open Doors to Success

These words and phrases will put you in the right mindset to follow the path to success!

1. I'm available.

2. Let's give it a shot.

3. I/We got this covered.

4. I thrive on change.

5. Thanks for your help.

6. I'm up for the challenge.

7. I'll take the credit.

8. Fear motivates me.

5 Strategies to Get a Good Night's Sleep

How can you turn your head off and find peace of mind without meditating in a cave for a week or having a few drinks each night? Use the approaches below to help you be present and relaxed. 

1. Mind follows breath
The fastest way to calm your mind is to calm your breath. Breathing in stimulates your energy systems, breathing out calms your energy. So if you breathe out for longer than you breathe in, you will start to relax. Try it for a minute: breathe in for the count of 3, and out for the count of 6! Any form of meditation you have learned is helpful to slow and deepen your breathe, thus relaxing you. 

2. Make peace with the day
Start a ritual that helps you feel at peace before you go to sleep at night. Think back over the day and make a list of the things that went well. Or make a list of 3 or more things that you are grateful for. Requiring yourself to focus on that should bring a smile to your face and positive emotion in your body. 

3. “To Do before To Sleep”
Empty your head with a ‘to do’ list of what you will accomplish the next day so you don’t have to keep the details in your mind. Also, remember that refraining from electronics for a least an hour before bed makes it easier to get to sleep and wake up feeling rested, not stressed. 

4. Transition with intention
As a human being you have about 2500 thoughts an hour! They are usually in many directions and make you feel ‘all over the place’. When you are on your way home from work you are usually still on overload with these thoughts. 

What if you could arrive home each day and be the person you want to be? 

Try to develop a ritual to decompress from work and enter into the state you want to be in when you arrive at home. Write down the qualities and attributes of who you want to be (or when you arrive at work). I call this idea your Horizon Point, it's the intersection of who you want to be and how others want you to be. It’s where you set your sights as if you are the captain of your ship. As you are transitioning from work to home, visualize who you want to be as you walk in the door, and as you make the first connect with whoever you come home to. What can you do to show up as that person consistently? Be intentional and act in the service of the person you want to be. Make your 2500 thoughts an hour help you show up as that person you want to be. 

5. Be impeccable for your 50%
Your mind gets stressed when you focus on what you can’t control, and is always calmer when you focus on what you can control. So control what you can control. In fact, be impeccable for your 50% in every situation. Put your time, energy, and attention into being really good at what you can control. You can always have peace of mind when you feel you have done the best you can do.

 

 

 

 

- Sharon Melnick
You can download your copy of my free report Sleep Under Stress: 19 ways to Get to Sleep and Wake up Rested at http://www.sharonmelnick.com/sleep

How To Turn Your Head Off So You Can Relax (And Sleep)

How can you turn your head off and find peace of mind without meditating in a cave for a week or having a few drinks each night? Use the approaches below to help you be present and relaxed. 

1. Mind follows breath
The fastest way to calm your mind is to calm your breath. Breathing in stimulates your energy systems, breathing out calms your energy. So if you breathe out for longer than you breathe in, you will start to relax. Try it for a minute: breathe in for the count of 3, and out for the count of 6! Any form of meditation you have learned is helpful to slow and deepen your breathe, thus relaxing you. 

2. Make peace with the day
Start a ritual that helps you feel at peace before you go to sleep at night. Think back over the day and make a list of the things that went well. Or make a list of 3 or more things that you are grateful for. Requiring yourself to focus on that should bring a smile to your face and positive emotion in your body. 

3. “To Do before To Sleep”
Empty your head with a ‘to do’ list of what you will accomplish the next day so you don’t have to keep the details in your mind. Also, remember that refraining from electronics for a least an hour before bed makes it easier to get to sleep and wake up feeling rested, not stressed. 

4. Transition with intention
As a human being you have about 2500 thoughts an hour! They are usually in many directions and make you feel ‘all over the place’. When you are on your way home from work you are usually still on overload with these thoughts. 

What if you could arrive home each day and be the person you want to be? 

Try to develop a ritual to decompress from work and enter into the state you want to be in when you arrive at home. Write down the qualities and attributes of who you want to be (or when you arrive at work). I call this idea your Horizon Point, it's the intersection of who you want to be and how others want you to be. It’s where you set your sights as if you are the captain of your ship. As you are transitioning from work to home, visualize who you want to be as you walk in the door, and as you make the first connect with whoever you come home to. What can you do to show up as that person consistently? Be intentional and act in the service of the person you want to be. Make your 2500 thoughts an hour help you show up as that person you want to be. 

5. Be impeccable for your 50%
Your mind gets stressed when you focus on what you can’t control, and is always calmer when you focus on what you can control. So control what you can control. In fact, be impeccable for your 50% in every situation. Put your time, energy, and attention into being really good at what you can control. You can always have peace of mind when you feel you have done the best you can do.

 

 

 

 

- Sharon Melnick
You can download your copy of my free report Sleep Under Stress: 19 ways to Get to Sleep and Wake up Rested at http://www.sharonmelnick.com/sleep

5 Reasons Strong Women Leave Weak Men

Strong women care deeply, but they won't put up with nonsense. Here are a few things that are

deal-breakers.

1. They won't tolerate being put down.

2. They are looking for an equal partner.

3. They refuse to take on the load of the relationship.

4. They have too many important things to do and will not waste their energy arguing.

5. They are conscious of the example they are setting for others--like children and family members. 

 

4 Steps to Finding Real Love with a Partner

Why is real love so elusive for many of us? Perhaps, we are still listening to messages from our past that tell us, it won't happen or that we are unworthy of true happiness. Deep down in our hearts, we know that isn't true.

So how do we find real love with a partner, try this step by step approach.

1. Look in the mirror. Stand in front of a mirror and stare into your eyes. This may feel uncomfortable but just do it.  If you do, you probably will go deep. What is your real hunger--don't you want to love yourself more and experience loving another person deeply?

 

2. Distinguish between messages from your "head" and from your "heart." As you begin to take actions to get what you truly want--going out to events, participating in activities you enjoy (where you may meet that special someone), your "head talk" may get louder and louder, telling you that true love isn't possible for you.

Ignore those lies and tune into your heart instead. Your heart is signaling that you should keep going.

 

3. Surround yourself with friends that care. Don't go it alone. Make sure to "book-end" activities that take you out of your comfort zone. When you are scared to get going, call your buddy. After you come back and share your elation or disappointment, let them know too.

 

4. Expect to feel terrified. If you haven't experienced real love with a partner, you will definitely be out of your comfort zone.  And if you feel terrified, you are not doing anything wrong, in fact, you are doing everything right. Face your fears and go forward anyway.

Best of luck!

  

 

 

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6 Quotes to Cheer You Up When You Feel Down

6 Quotes to Cheer You Up When You Feel Down

1. If you could have done better, you would have, forgive yourself.

2. When you are feeling so low, there is no place to go but up.

3. Honor all your feelings, there is no wrong or right. It's okay to be you, no matter how you feel.

4. Life sometimes feels not like a bowl of cherries, but a bowl of pits.

5. Be your own good Mama. Give that little girl in you something to smile about.

6. Know that however you feel, you can't stay that way forever. Better days will come even if it doesn't feel that way.

- all are original quotes by Helene Lerner