Helene Lerner's Blog, page 21

5 Secrets of Highly Successful People

Why do some people stand apart from the crowd? They exude a charisma that we all want to follow. What is it about them? What do they have that we don't, or maybe have but haven't developed fully?

Read on and see.

1. They are truly interested in helping other people.
Yes, they have a lot of recognition but they have a developed desire to be of service to others, and will find a way to do that if they can.

2. They see failure as necessary in order to succeed.
They know they will fail at times, but that doesn't let that stop them. They know that if they don't put themselves out there, they don't challenge their growth. 

And life is exciting because they are curious and look forward to learning new things.

3. They say YES to new opportunities.
They don't let their fear overtake them. They know when they step outside their comfort zone, it will not feel comfortable and they are used to that.

Their motto: Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable.

4. They listen to their gut.
They make wise choices because after getting the opinions of others, they rely on their intuition. When all is said and done, and the research is in...they listen to their "inner knowing" of how to proceed.

5. They take some quiet time throughout the day.
These busy people see the need for reflection. Even if it's a few minutes they take time out to be quiet.  These quiet moments recharge their batteries.

How to Handle Stubborn People

We all know those people – it is either "their way" or no way at all. They are difficult to deal with, and even harder to live with.

What works, how do we get them on our side, and get a word in? Try some of these tips.

1. Let them know you hear them.
Actually repeat back what they have said, without judgment. Some people call this "active listening."

2. Make your case.
Show how your way is consistent with what they believe. Start with even the "littlest" of points. There must be something you agree upon.

3. Show them what they have to gain.
When you talk to them (at home), or "present" to them (in the office), before you even state your point of view, make it clear what's in it for them.

4. Give in on "small points."  
Where it is easy for you to concede, make them feel like they are "winning" in some way. On something that is major, negotiate and be flexible.

5. Don't have the "last word."
Let them have it, make them feel like they are walking away having convinced you of the way to go. Who cares what they are thinking as long as your major concern has been met.

3 Bully Tricks and How You Can Evade Them

Has a bully played a trick on you? Did you know how to respond?

Bullies play tricks and wield weapons so they can dominate and win. If you’ve been on the wrong end of their blame/shame, insult barrage, or public humiliation games, you know how conniving a bully can be.

The good news? – When you know the bully’s three favorite tricks, you can defeat them and claim victory.

Trick #1: The blame/shame game
Bullies accuse you of their sins. Why does a bully explode in rage? – According to the bully, you made them do so by screwing up or challenging them. A bully trashes you to your boss or in front of others? How come? “It was your fault,” says the bully.

Bullies excel in projecting their shortcomings on their targets. If you’re the target, the bully may even lead to wonder what you’ve done. Don’t. No one deserves bullying. If you let a bully convince you that you’re the problem, you allow the bully off the hook. Instead, learn to view the bully’s blame/shame game as projectile bully vomit. Let it rest at the feet of your bully. 

Trick #2: The insult barrage game
Bully’s attack with a barrage of caustic comments, chipping away at your and other targets’ confidence. Even if you initially deflect the first insult, enough insults can twist you in emotional and mental knots. Soon, you’re exhausted, increasingly less prepared to handle the next onslaught. 

Learn to greet a bully’s attacks with a game face and then douse them with reality or a prepared arsenal of flattening antidote statements. Creating a game face becomes critical because your facial reaction, whether you turn white or blush, and your stammering or flustered look, reward the bully. A look as if you can’t believe the bully would have said something so stupid denies the bully their desired outcome.

So you don’t need to think on the spot, pulling from your tool kit of prepared statements such as “Pardon me?” “Give it a rest,” and “Is that the best you can come up with?” that tell their tricks have no traction with you.

Trick #3: Trapping you through public humiliation
Bullies know they can humiliate you and other targets by publically accosting you. Don’t let the pressure of watching eyes freeze you into immobility or foot-sweep you into reacting.

Instead, realize you can turn the situation on your bully, allowing those watching to witness a failed bullying attempt or at the least to see the bully for who and what he is. Train yourself to ask “is that the best you can do?” or “does it make you feel good to try to make me feel bad?” when a bully accosts you in public. While others look on in surprise, you’ll see your bully scramble to retake control. 

Has a bully played a trick on you? Don’t play the bully’s game or play by the bully’s rules and you can claim victory. 

 

 

 

© 2016, Lynne Curry, adapted from Lynne Curry’s Beating the Workplace Bully, 2015, AMACOM. Curry wrote Beating the Workplace Bully, AMACOM and Solutions. You can read more of Lynne in her two blogs, www.workplacecoachblog.com or www.bullywhisperer.com ™ or follow her @lynnecurry10 on Twitter.

Is Gluten Really That Bad For You?

Gluten has become a controversial word in the media lately. You often hear people touting the benefits of going completely gluten free. You can find countless gluten-free recipes on the Internet, gluten-free cookbooks in bookstores, and people who claim to have conquered a slew of health issues by going gluten free. This doesn’t even get into the health experts who claim giving up gluten can lead to weight loss. It sounds as if giving up gluten is the Holy Grail of diet tips when you get down to all the pros who are jumping on the gluten-free bandwagon.

It’s to the point that if you have a dinner party, you have to take a head count as to how many people are gluten free, vegan, vegetarian or just plain nuts about food. Who wants to suffer through that difficulty of menu planning? Unless you have a true allergy or a gluten-based disease, such as celiac, is gluten really that bad for you?

What Is Gluten?
According to the Celiac Disease Foundation, gluten is the term for the overall classification of the proteins in wheat-based products or ingredients, which are mostly found in wheat, barley and rye. Those are considered the “big three” of the gluten family of foods. But when you read the ingredients on packaged foods, you’ll find that some form of gluten is in almost everything, including cereals, salad dressings and even random substances like food coloring. Avoiding gluten in all forms is like getting a full-time job in awareness.

Sensitivity or a True Allergy — That’s the Real Question
If you’re truly allergic to gluten, you can see an allergist or another physician. You might have some symptoms of the problem, or you may have full-blown celiac disease, which is a serious autoimmune disorder in which gluten in any form causes damage to your intestines.

Worldwide, celiac disease is estimated to affect one in 100 people; in the United States, the number is around 2.5 million. To put that into perspective, lupus, which is another autoimmune disorder, affects some 1.5 million Americans. Diabetes, another common disease, affects approximately 29 million Americans, according to the CDC.

Celiac is diagnosed with blood tests and possibly a biopsy through an endoscopy of your small intestine. Not all people who are sensitive to gluten have celiac disease. Talk to your doctor about your specific symptoms to see if you want to be tested.

Some of the Symptoms of Gluten Sensitivity

Gluten intolerance can result in around 300 symptoms, reports The Celiac Foundation, including:

·         Stomach bloating

·         Pain

·         Chronic diarrhea

·         Vomiting

·         Weight loss

·         Fatigue

·         Joint pain

·         Migraines

·         Depression

Depression comes into play, since it can take a toll on your mental health if you physically don’t feel well. So, if you have some of these symptoms on either a major or minor scale, decide what you want to do about it. Be your own health hero; it can’t be stated often enough. You only get one body in your lifetime, so you should take care of it the best you can.

The only way to treat true gluten sensitivity is to eliminate gluten completely from your diet. If you are experiencing some of these distressing symptoms, it may be helpful to visit a gastroenterologist to discover exactly what is giving you “tummy issues.”

Alfred Nobel once said that “worry is the stomach’s worst poison,” which means that if you don’t understand the issues that are going on with your body and how to solve them, it can create considerable distress.

Somewhere in the Middle
If you feel as though you have a mild sensitivity to gluten, it might help to look at all parts of your diet. It could easily be a variety of other foods such as dairy or the overall nutrient content of the foods you choose. Dr. Nandi advises that you eat a diet rich in whole foods that will fuel your body in the best way possible. If you are able to be your own health hero, then part of your lifestyle is to educate yourself on what works for your body.

In summary, gluten on its own isn’t inherently bad for you. Think of the whole grains and fiber you get in a batch of unprocessed 100 percent whole wheat bread, which is much better for you than the empty carbs in processed white bread. Talk to your doctor about whether you need to change your diet before you start eliminating gluten. 

 

 

Partha Nandi M.D., F.A.C.P is the creator and host of the internationally syndicated medical lifestyle television show, Ask Dr. Nandi. Dr. Nandi delivers passionate and inspiring talks to empower the world in his mission, “To Be Your Own Health Hero.”

3 Easy Steps to Success

Einstein said, “If we did all the things we were capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.” While almost all of us (except perhaps the diehard cynic!) would agree with Dr. Einstein, there are times we get stuck and believe, “I’ve done everything I can and nothing changes.” But what if we’re wrong about that and we began to think, “I just haven’t found what will work for me yet”?

Choose something you want to change or improve in your life (at home, work, health, income, etc.). For this post, I’m going to use the example of “losing weight” and you can substitute your specific goal as you read on. Here are three ways to create the momentum you want:

Focus on effort, not results
Yes, results are important—there’s no doubt about that. If we don’t get results we're tempted to throw in the towel. However, because results are important, your emphasis needs to be on the journey and your effort along the way. Be respectful of yourself and give yourself credit for your effort and you'll be more likely to tweak what you're doing to get the results you need. 

For instance, you can tell yourself, “I haven’t lost weight in the past three weeks and I've given into poor habits a bit. But I'm still in the game and I'll give myself credit for that and use that positive energy to do more of what works this week."

Be happy before, not after
In my book on happiness I define happiness as any positive energy you feel about yourself or the progress you’re making in your goals. Happiness (Any feeling of positive energy) is the fuel for the effort you need to make to achieve your goals. Gasoline fuels your car but your mind, body and spirit all need fuel as well—the fuel of feeling happy (peace of mind, fulfillment, meaning, gratitude, love, connection with others, confidence, etc.). 

Be happy now—don’t wait until you’ve shed another pound to be happy with your body. The positive energy of self-acceptance and giving yourself credit for what you do (instead of beating yourself up for what you don't do) will give you the emotional energy you need to make healthy decisions along the way.

Make it ridiculously easy to succeed
When it comes to exercise, changing our eating habits, too many of us demand too much too soon. We join the gym when it would be more effective to start walking around the neighborhood.  I had a client who said she was going to lose weight by stopping television, joining a gym and hiring a personal trainer.

Instead, I suggested she stay at home and watch all the television she wanted. And… to use the commercial times to “walk in place,” at first. Then when she was ready she could add raising her knees higher while walking in place, then add jumping jacks or body squats and so on. 

She was offended, saying it was too easy and didn’t require enough from her. I agreed with her that it was “too easy” and also suggested that’s why it would work. And for her it did—it was the easy start she needed and she kept adding to that start all the way to losing her fifty pounds. You can make something hard or make it easy. Taking it easy is being smart, just like the tortoise who beat the rabbit to the finish line.  

 

 

 

- Alan Allard, Creator of Enlightened Happiness

3 Positive Habits That Make You Feel Better Instantly

We all want to feel good most of the time, but that’s impossible. How do we handle the times when we’re not in the best mood?

Summon the good memories
Bring your favorite person to mind and think of all the happy memories. Scroll your photo album and put some music on as you’re doing it.

Laugh out loud a lot
Sometimes if you force laughter, you can start feeling very silly and get into it. After a while, the fake laughter becomes genuine.

Dance it out
Ellen DeGeneres is a great example - she starts all of her shows with a little dance, and she always seems happy. Be your own Ellen. Bad mood? Let a simple dance move create good vibes.

Watch Ellen dance with First Lady Michelle Obama at 3:14 below:

5 Do’s And Don’ts For Monday Morning

Do’s

 

Approach your work as if you’re seeing it for the first time. Give yourself a fresh perspectiveSmile at the people around you, even if you feel like growling.Schedule some me time for yourself, even if it’s only 15 minutes.Look at your calendar for the week. Is there something on it that’s fun? If not, make that happenPick out a good outfit to help you feel good for the upcoming week.

 

 

Don’t

Catch yourself if you start thinking, “it’s just another week.” Allow yourself to think something great could happen.Be grumpy. Let something good be said.Just go through the motions. Think of a new way of doing things so you’re not bored.Don’t focus on the negative. Try to look at some of the good points of the job and the people around you.Underestimate yourself. If you feel like you’ve outgrown this job, there’s no reason why you can’t go out and find a better one.

What To Remember When Things Feel Out Of Control

It may feel like the rug is being pulled out from under you. But is that really the case? When we stop ourselves from panicking, and look at what the situation is, squarely, it puts things in perspective. Here are some things you can remember to center yourself.

Whether you feel it or not, you’re okay.
Look at what’s really happening -- why, really, do you feel frightened, what are you feeling, what have you got to lose? As you write this out, you’ll realize that even in the worst-case scenario, you’ll be okay.

You’ve always gotten through, why would this be different?
Look at your track record. Call to mind 3 similar situations when you were feeling uneasy and everything turned out okay. It’s likely to be the same this time.

You don’t have to do it all.
You can’t control everything, and you don’t have to do it alone. Ask for help if you need it, and let go of the things you can’t change.

5 Ways to Deal with Selfish People

You love their sense of humor, but find they never listen to what you have to say. You admire their adventurous streak, but feel drained from constantly doing them favors. Realizing someone is selfish can often be difficult to accept. While you may love their positive qualities, it’s important to take steps to safeguard yourself against a selfish person. 

1. Know where your weakness lies.
Recognize what weaknesses you expose in the relationship. Do you fail to speak your mind? Do you give endless energy, time, or money? Decide where you can grow to protect yourself. 

2. Stick to your limits.
Now that you have defined your weaknesses in the relationship, determine what you are willing and able to give. Remember: giving constantly without receiving anything in return is not being selfless. Make a firm commitment to yourself to stick to your boundaries. If you need help, ask a friend or family member. Is your lunch date going over the hour you’ve set? Have your sister check in and encourage you to wrap things up. 

3. Keep it short and sweet.
Selfish people are draining, so keep your interactions short. If the person is a family member, make time to go on an errand or a walk to recharge. Likewise, keep your responses and input in conversations short and infused with as much kindness as possible. 

4. Script your response.
If need be, have scripted responses to different scenarios or topics that come up often in your interactions together. Is she asking you for another favor? Decide beforehand how you will say no. Is he spending hours venting about his problems and dismissing anything you bring up? Come up with an exit strategy. While this may seem harsh at first, selfish people will not stop until you tell them to. You are the best advocate for you! 

5. Learn from them.
It’s been said that the people who come into your life are teaching you something about yourself. Recognize and even be thankful for the lesson they have brought you, whether it’s shedding light on a personal weakness or showing you the selfless person you want to be in your relationships with other people. 

 

 

- Jennie Swenson, Parent Educator and Positive Youth Development Specialist

7 Things You Should Do Throughout the Day

Take some quiet time
At the beginning and end of each day, allow yourself a few minutes to reflect. Meditate, read the news or a book, reflect on the day.

Check in with a friend
Even if you’re busy, reach out to someone important to you. It could be someone you speak to a lot or someone you haven’t heard from in a while.

Drink a lot of water
Remember to keep yourself hydrated and reap the many benefits of drinking water every day.

Exercise
If you don’t have time to go to the gym, you can still get in some physical activity. If you have a desk job, get up and move around, don’t sit at your desk all day. Take 5 minutes to walk to a friend’s office, for example.

Take a new path
Instead of driving or walking down the same road every day, go a different route. The change of scenery will be refreshing.

Make a to-do-today list
Write down 3 or 4 things you can accomplish right away, and mark them off your list. It doesn’t matter if they’re big or small; the goal is to make you feel good about getting something done.

Make a new friend
You don’t have to find a lifelong best friend. Start a conversation with someone at the grocery store or a co-worker you don’t know well.