Helene Lerner's Blog, page 87

Five Easy Ways to Master Artfully Apologizing

In a previous blog, I wrote about the tendency of women to say “I’m sorry” too often. However, as professionals and leaders, we all have opportunities to apologize when warranted. We make mistakes. We inadvertently offend another party. We also see opportunities to sympathize, which an artful apology can address, such as “so sorry for the rainy weather.” Studies have shown that after an artful apology over something you don’t control, rapport increases and so does trust.

A skill in exhibiting relationship intelligence and graciousness, the ability to artfully apologize is important to both parties—the apologizer and the injured party. Apologies build rapport, trust and help relationships in breakdown to achieve breakthroughs. They are very helpful in leading change, when practices and norms are changing in a culture shift, and things are uncertain and feel complicated. Painful emotions can run high during such times, and it's a leadership opportunity to acknowledge this difficulty with your teams by offering an apology.

Apologies communicate a positive energy when the act is meant to authentically connect with another person. Someone might make an effort to apologize, but not know how to connect the apology with true empathy.

Here are some tips for artful apologies:

Ask yourself: “What is your intent behind your apology?” 

If you made a judgment error, for example, your intention may be to restore your confidence in working trustfully with this person, and to regain their faith in your credibility. Overall, the intention is to restore both parties to their best. You must first restore yourself in order to restore the relationship.

Ask the other person what they thought and felt in the situation.

Your intention must be centered on the injured person or group. Find out:

What their experience may have been. 
What is their belief system? 

Learn what it would take from you to permit that person or group to heal from what your behavior left in its wake. Be quiet and listen—non-judgmentally. 

Paraphrase what you heard them say to check your understanding.

This communicates empathy. When one or more persons feel injured, there is a change in the state of the injured party—their attention springs to the tension and emotions that result from their reaction. These emotions might be anger, resentment, disappointment, or frustration. With a graceful apology, the state of both parties elevates to a higher place; words can either cut like a knife or renew the relationship. 

Let the injured party know how you feel, and ask him/her or the group what you might do to correct the situation. 

In our diminished state, where painful or challenging emotions are loudest, we may feel reactive or hopeless. We might make quick decisions or take actions to reduce our distress. We can wind up saying things in a way that we may regret later, or that are not in our own or others’ best interests. Instead, we can use the information we learn to empower ourselves with reflection, self-inquiry, and make empowered choices. With this mindset, apologize for the unintended impact of your action and communicate your commitment to correct the situation.

Check in with yourself afterward to reflect on the situation. 

What have you learned? Determine what you can do or do differently to rectify the situation and others’ feelings in the future. If appropriate, revisit the person or group to let them know what to look for from you in the future. This reinforces you heard and considered their perspectives and feelings, and lets them know what to look for in your behavior in the future. 

An artful apology can build your leadership presence and credibility by demonstrating relationship intelligence and your willingness to learn.

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach, President, Strategic Leadership Resources

In Honor of the Women who have Inspired Us

To celebrate Women's History Month, check out our new video! Who's a woman who inspired you?

Video Editor: Michelle Purpura

Three Ways to be Viewed as a Leader, Not Just a Manager

What is the secret to creating a strong leadership presence when our main duties are managing? 

Let’s look at what usually takes up most of our time; managing work, problems, people and ourselves.

Managing is all about ensuring the production of consistently excellent outcomes. To get there, we strive to deliver consistency by managing through objectives, holding people accountable for clear, measurable results, and developing systematic and well-integrated processes. The focus in managing is learning from the past and applying it to the present, and solving problems with sound decisions. These critical behaviors ensure our stakeholders—our customers—get what they expect day after day, year after year. Without these results, nothing else matters. They are the foundation on which we build our credibility and reputation. 

Now let’s look at what behaviors make up “leading.” Leading is about anticipating the future based on trends and other “leading indicators,” and developing plans to leverage that future for a competitive advantage. How can you distinguish the work of your team, department, and project by becoming more effective, efficient, and generating greater customer satisfaction and results? Leadership behaviors inspire the commitment of others in sharing and executing a vision and plan. Leadership behaviors open new possibilities for the organization and enlist the commitment of others toward a shared vision of the future. These are the behaviors that can inspire others to follow you.

It’s not possible to be effective without managing. However, leadership is also necessary to inspire followership. Here are three ways to become viewed as a leader:

1. Ask future-oriented questions

Asking provocative questions can help shift your team’s attention to considering answers. It’s a very powerful way to engage others’ thinking. Choose questions to ask that don’t have easy and obvious answers such as, “what do our customers need that they aren’t getting from anyone else?” “How else can we look at this problem?” and “What are the trends/data saying will help us improve our results?” 

Questions can unlock the creative and intellectual potential within those looking for an opportunity to grow. Our questions can help nurture the knowledge, experience, and energy within others so they can engage and grow. Helping to stimulate the engagement and growth of untapped capacity exhibits your leadership presence. 

2. Create a vision of the future and share it

Think about what is possible for you, for others, and the organization. Then write it down. Make it brief and clear. Include its benefits to others and the organization. Then share it with others in a way that engages their input. Ask them, “What merits does this have?” “What are some concerns or risks to watch out for?” “How can this be achieved?” These questions invite their engagement. 

3. Follow up to hold others accountable

The key to effectively leading is results. You can't achieve growth just through setting higher and higher targets. You need to tap into the hidden and often suppressed capacity of those around you through effective leadership. Following up with others and helping them see progress is essential. Also, expressing deep appreciation for their efforts and contributions helps others to see you as a leader they want to please.

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach, President, Strategic Leadership Resources

Three Ways to Deal with Being Upstaged

There are three things we can do when faced with a challenge to our authority that upstages our leadership presence:

Speak up about it with the person who is upstaging you. 

This step involves facing and neutralizing negativity by letting the other person know how their behavior affected you. You can empathize with them by observing that they might not have realized the impact of their behavior. Help them to see that their behavior had an adverse impact on your authority, credibility, etc. Stay calm, centered, and grounded as you deliver this feedback. Pause and ask for the other person’s reaction. 

Remain calm and composed in the face of their defensiveness.

Expect the other person to explain their intention, defend their behavior, and even tell you that you are over-reacting. Listen non-judgmentally and don’t defend yourself. Stay calm and composed. Simply let them know that this is how you see things and then….

Request a different behavior of the other person. 

It’s important to make your request centered on the other’s behavior. This person may not “get” how their behavior has a negative impact on you, but this is not what is most important – it’s their willingness to actively…

Leave the room
Stay quiet when you are giving directions to your team
Make supportive statements when you are delivering your suggestion, etc. 

Be clear with your request, using a lower-pitched vocal tone that denotes confidence vs. a higher plaintive “asking” tone.

These discussions may feel risky to you, but they help your authoritative presence by educating those around you and generating more respectful behavior.

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach, President, Strategic Leadership Resources

How to Lead with Presence and Not be Upstaged

Today I discussed with my friend, Lauren, our impressions of the TV series, Madame Secretary. One of Lauren’s observations hit home with me. She noticed that Tea Leoni’s character has flaws. Some days, she is knocked down by challenges, and needs help. Don’t we all need help when we feel a lack of confidence to meet our needs and reach our goals? How can we take advantage of help without diminishing our leadership presence?

In the most recent episode of Madame Secretary, McCord invites the assistance of a consultant, Mike B, after she's humiliated at a public budget meeting. Apparently a dear friend of hers, Mike walks into her office with his dog in tow and behaves as if he owns the place. There’s no hint of humility in him while he plops on her office couch along with his dog. McCord brings Mike B into her confidence on staffing issues; he advises her to fire and replace her entire staff.

While McCord doesn’t take his advice, she permits him to remain in the room while she informs her staff that they are on notice. Mike chimes in with snarky quips, subtly upstaging her and giving the impression that his opinions have a great deal of power in her decisions. Neither Lauren nor I liked this one bit!  We didn’t like Mike B’s behavior and attitude and found his behavior disrespectful of the Secretary. McCord’s staff didn’t like him either. As a woman, permitting Mike to upstage her leadership is not good.

In one of my past blogs, I described what I mean by leadership presence. What impact does permitting Mike B to behave poorly have on McCord’s leadership presence? McCord has no trouble earlier in the episode letting a male staff member know he’s out of line and putting him on notice for his behavior. Is it inconsistent to allow a peer to behave in a way that can be construed as inappropriate and disrespectful? We thought so. 

On the positive side, McCord’s decision to seek assistance from someone she trusts as knowledgeable is a sign of respectful and constructive influence. Seeking help is part of exhibiting grace—relationship intelligence in the service of elevating performance. She values people, their contribution, and working in the spirit of partnership with openness and flexibility. She also demonstrated grit in putting her staff on notice. Grit means leading with an uncompromising commitment to performance excellence and strategic focus. 

However, she lacked grit in not drawing a line with Mike B on his behavior. Acting on this would mean facing and neutralizing negativity. In the first place, I would have asked him to step outside while I put my staff on notice. If I permitted him to stay in the room, I would have asked him to remain respectfully quiet while I executed my strategy with the staff. His behavior upstaged her leadership presence, and she permitted it. I would have called him on his bad behavior with equanimity and constructive intent. I would have done this with mental calmness and composure, and pointed out to Mike his impact on the perspectives, feelings and needs of others—especially my needs. This kind of balance between grit and grace is critical to a strong leadership presence. Don’t allow yourself to be upstaged!

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach, President, Strategic Leadership Resources

Creating Change, Taking on Challenges, and Looking to the Future

Svetha Janumpalli is the CEO of New Incentives, an organization she founded to bring conditional cash transfer programs (CCTs) to the nonprofit sector. New Incentives provides monetary stipends to HIV-positive women in West Africa, on the condition that they regularly visit clinics and take medication to ensure their children are born HIV-free. We were able to ask Svetha a few questions about social change, her challenges, and what the future holds. 

How were you influenced to get involved with social change?

Although I was born in the US, most of my family is in India. I frequently visited my mother's village and witnessed how great the struggle of everyday life can be. I saw how much more comfortable my life as a middle-class American girl was—just because my parents immigrated to the US. I felt a deep discomfort with the advantages I had, and hoped to someday reduce this difference. 

New Incentives utilizes conditional cash transfers, why did you choose this model?

Conditional cash transfers are quite simple: it's giving money to the poor for fulfilling health goals. Governments are investing over $30 billion every year on conditional cash transfers (CCTs), and there are hundreds of well-conducted studies proving the impact of these programs. Yet, how it is that there aren't nonprofits dedicated to raising money from donors to support these programs? When I learned about CCTs, I was furious that limited donor funding wasn't going into these proven programs. Evidence proves that giving cash transfers are the best gift, because there is no one who knows their needs better than the poor themselves. I fell in love with the simplicity and the impact of the CCT model. 

What are your biggest challenges, and your biggest rewards?

Moving to Nigeria with my husband on a 2-month notice was quite challenging, especially given how differently things work here. At the same time, moving to Nigeria and working on New Incentives has helped me become part of a rich culture. I have grown more in the last year than I could've imagined; personal growth is a very important reward for me.

The biggest reward is working on the ground and getting to know the lives of the women we are serving, and knowing how we’re impacting their lives and what we can learn from them.

What do you hope to achieve in 5 years? 

I hope that New Incentives is able to scale across Nigeria and serve tens of thousands of women. I also hope to start assisting governments with cash transfer programs to help people out of poverty. 

What is your advice to young girls who want to get involved and make global change?

It's always very important to question the value of what you are doing. When you find a project that you are passionate about, take the time to thoroughly question how it works and evaluate the results of it. Understanding how exactly something works is not only rewarding, but essential to creating lasting change. One of the websites that taught me how to question impact is www.GiveWell.org.

A photo from Svetha's recent wedding

Women Who are Tough, Fair, and Smart

I love watching Tea Leoni. She stars as the Secretary of State, Elizabeth McCord, on the series Madame Secretary, where she plays the character of a tough, fair and smart leader who is both driving international diplomacy and wrangling office politics. She is also shown at home with her family, modeling a loving and functional marriage and having normal interactions with her kids.  

The constant gnarly challenges that her character faces require the kind of behavior with which any leader could identify.  Although the show uses high-profile dramatic issues, most female managers in the workplace face difficult challenges. Women face problems associated with making difficult decisions under pressure, managing a staff of professionals, and trying to balance work time with self-care and family time. 

What makes this TV program so compelling for me is how McCord demonstrates her gravitas - a depth of professional knowledge and competence that contributes to excellence in performance.  The U.S. president values her apolitical leanings, her deep knowledge of the Middle East, her flair for languages and her ability to think creatively. She performs her role with a keen sense of responsibility, credibility, and reliability. When the pressure is on, McCord owns the problems as well as the solutions, and takes accountability for successes and failures.  

A college professor and a brilliant former CIA analyst, McCord left her job for ethical reasons to become Secretary of State.  And when McCord speaks with her stakeholders, including her staff, she gives her undivided attention, by speaking and listening attentively. 

I enjoy watching her handle situations with an executive presence that is both tough and feminine – through her voice, carriage, and dress and demeanor.   McCord speaks in a way that forwards the action. She’s not frivolous, yet has a sense of humor. She speaks with energy, clear enunciation, and uses her pacing of speech, so others understand.  She has good posture, direct eye contact, and her demeanor communicates openness, approachability and invites connection.  

In short, Madame Secretary features a fine example of a woman in a powerful role who reflects her gravitas in her way of being – consistently in all her relationships.  Women on her staff also stand out in their qualities of gravitas.  Is this all too good to be true? I don’t think so, and I believe this type of presence is available to all women.

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach, President, Strategic Leadership Resources

Meet our Career Coach for March

I am Andrea Zintz, March's Career Coach. I am happy to be your resource as you pose questions, concerns, ideas, and goals about leading, navigating the workplace, relationships and career.

A little about me: I specialize in executive and high potential leadership strategy, succession and development. I have over 30 years experience in Leadership Development, Change Management, Human Resources Development and Training. I am the president of Strategic Leadership Resources.

I cultivated my experiences as a coach and in the development of executives and hi-potential leaders within the diversified healthcare and pharmaceutical, defense, and retail industries. As Vice President of Human Resources and Management Board member of the Johnson & Johnson subsidiary, Ortho Biotech, Inc., I helped lead the growth of the company from $40 million to $500 million in a 6-year period, and launched breakthrough biotech products. I also led executive leadership development for North America from J&J Corporate.

My special interests include executive women advancement, diversity/inclusion, and mentoring. My doctoral dissertation was about mentoring: What constitutes effective mentoring for women who are stuck in their careers within large corporate settings? I received my M.A. and Ph.D. from Fielding Graduate University.

A specialty of mine is how we can successfully adapt to our environment while progressing in the direction of our dreams. I help others to craft powerful and strategic questions you can ask yourselves (and others) to access the best thinking. Since all thought and actions are answers to questions that we run at all times, questions are a strong leverage-point for thinking; if we change our questions, we can change everything that flows from them.

I live in New Jersey, am married to an elementary school teacher and have two wonderful daughters. I look forward to hearing from you and offering some good questions to reflect upon and suggestions. So feel free to ask!

Warmly,
Andrea Zintz
President, Strategic Leadership Resources (SLR)
www.strategicleadershipresources.com

  

Stop Making Change Hard

My two daughters are grown and married now, but I remember clearly when I taught both of them to drive a car with a stick shift. They were excited to learn to drive, and I couldn’t wait to be a part of a milestone in their lives. I also remember that every single person who heard I was going to teach my daughters to drive warned me about how hard it was going to be. One person said, “You’re going to pull your hair out—just don’t yell at your daughter.”

Each time someone predicted how difficult it would be to teach my daughters to drive, I replied with some version of, “Are you kidding—this is going to be great.” And it was. Did they stall out at times, release the clutch too quickly causing us to lurch forward, and make other mistakes? Yes, and we laughed each time. That was our agreement—“You’re going to learn by making mistakes and we’re going to have fun along the way.”

Learning to drive, like learning any skill in life or improving something, has to do with change. I realize changing aspects of our personal life, a team at work, or an entire company culture is more complex than learning to drive—but why do I always hear how hard it is to achieve change—either personally or organizationally? Google the question “Is it hard to change?” and you will be overwhelmed with explanations as to why change is so hard.

Could it be that we think change is hard because:

We’ve been told change is hard:

Is it possible change is often hard because we expect it to be? We’re told by experts that people hate change and that change initiatives usually fail—because they're so hard to pull off. They tell us most company mergers fail and most New Year’s Resolutions fail. Both are true, but does that prove change is hard? 

I suggest it only proves that the way we go about these tasks is not conducive to change. Instead, why don’t we learn from those who successfully made change and who look back on it with pride and good memories?

We believe change is hard:

When we’re told “change is hard” we’re not being told, “There’s going to be challenges along the way, but you can handle them well.” What we’re being told is, “This is going to be unpleasant—you’d better just accept that.” Isn’t that called a “Self-fulfilling Prophesy?”

I’m not saying we should be naïve and say, “Everything about this is going to be smooth, easy, and wonderful.” I’m saying the attitude we bring to change will either make it harder than it needs to be, or make it a great learning and growing experience.

Maybe we’re trying to change the wrong thing:

If your company is making a change you “hate,” that’s a clue you’re in the wrong place. The problem isn’t the change that’s being proposed—the problem is the company’s vision isn’t your vision. We love the process of change when it’s what we want. If you’re confronted with or thinking about a change you don’t want, say “NO” to it. Otherwise, you’re going to be in conflict—and that’s what is painful.

Think about a time you learned to do something you considered fun, like skiing or photography. On one hand, there were times that were difficult—but overall, you didn’t experience what you went through as “hard” in the way change is often experienced. When you’re in the right “job,” change is stimulating, engaging, and (at times) even pleasurable.

Making Change a Positive Experience:

The bottom line is that there is a difference between something being “hard” and it being “challenging.” “Hard” means some version of “I don’t want this.” “Challenging means “I want this, and I’m up for the challenge.” These are two very different sets of attitudes, and each one will create a very different experience. 

We get to choose whether we will change or not, and we get to choose the attitude we bring to it. We get to choose between “Hard”—this is bad and I don’t want it” and “Challenging”—this is good, bring on the challenges! It’s time we dropped the victim mentality when it comes to change. Instead, let’s choose the change we want and go after it with an ownership mentality.

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach

Get the Recognition you Deserve

[DOWNLOAD HERE]

Today Helene’s guest is Ana Dutra, CEO of The Executives’ Club of Chicago. Ana started from scratch when she moved to the US from Brazil, and worked tirelessly to become the business dynamo she is today. Here, she offers her advice on how to choose your battles, stop second-guessing yourself, and get the recognition you deserve.

Check out some of the highlights of the program here:

On choosing your battles...

ANA: The ability to determine and understand what’s really important and what’s not is a skill. Like any other skill, it can be developed over time. It also gets better with maturity and experience. When I was younger and less experienced, I definitely picked battles I should not have. 

Sometimes there’s a lot of pride and ego in fighting for something just because you want to make your point. But the results are not going to change, so why not look forward and think, “Okay, I did not win this one.” It’s hard to recognize when you don’t win. But there’s something to be said about getting closure and saying “You know what, I lost this one. What can I do differently, so that next year I win the battle?”

On not giving up...

HELENE: All of us have a dream to put forth. It’s takes courage not to let that negative mind-talk get the best of you. To go with what your heart is telling you to do—to follow your intuition and make a difference.

Sometimes what I see is that when people get a “no,” they get upset and may abandon the idea. A “no” sometimes means “not yet.” Don’t throw out your good ideas when it just might not be the right timing.  A year later, it may be the perfect timing to resurrect that idea.

To hear more of Helene and Ana's motivating conversation, CLICK HERE. 

This program and future shows will also be available on iTunes. Don't forget to give us a 5 star rating!