Five Easy Ways to Master Artfully Apologizing

In a previous blog, I wrote about the tendency of women to say “I’m sorry” too often. However, as professionals and leaders, we all have opportunities to apologize when warranted. We make mistakes. We inadvertently offend another party. We also see opportunities to sympathize, which an artful apology can address, such as “so sorry for the rainy weather.” Studies have shown that after an artful apology over something you don’t control, rapport increases and so does trust.

A skill in exhibiting relationship intelligence and graciousness, the ability to artfully apologize is important to both parties—the apologizer and the injured party. Apologies build rapport, trust and help relationships in breakdown to achieve breakthroughs. They are very helpful in leading change, when practices and norms are changing in a culture shift, and things are uncertain and feel complicated. Painful emotions can run high during such times, and it's a leadership opportunity to acknowledge this difficulty with your teams by offering an apology.

Apologies communicate a positive energy when the act is meant to authentically connect with another person. Someone might make an effort to apologize, but not know how to connect the apology with true empathy.

Here are some tips for artful apologies:

Ask yourself: “What is your intent behind your apology?” 

If you made a judgment error, for example, your intention may be to restore your confidence in working trustfully with this person, and to regain their faith in your credibility. Overall, the intention is to restore both parties to their best. You must first restore yourself in order to restore the relationship.

Ask the other person what they thought and felt in the situation.

Your intention must be centered on the injured person or group. Find out:

What their experience may have been. 
What is their belief system? 

Learn what it would take from you to permit that person or group to heal from what your behavior left in its wake. Be quiet and listen—non-judgmentally. 

Paraphrase what you heard them say to check your understanding.

This communicates empathy. When one or more persons feel injured, there is a change in the state of the injured party—their attention springs to the tension and emotions that result from their reaction. These emotions might be anger, resentment, disappointment, or frustration. With a graceful apology, the state of both parties elevates to a higher place; words can either cut like a knife or renew the relationship. 

Let the injured party know how you feel, and ask him/her or the group what you might do to correct the situation. 

In our diminished state, where painful or challenging emotions are loudest, we may feel reactive or hopeless. We might make quick decisions or take actions to reduce our distress. We can wind up saying things in a way that we may regret later, or that are not in our own or others’ best interests. Instead, we can use the information we learn to empower ourselves with reflection, self-inquiry, and make empowered choices. With this mindset, apologize for the unintended impact of your action and communicate your commitment to correct the situation.

Check in with yourself afterward to reflect on the situation. 

What have you learned? Determine what you can do or do differently to rectify the situation and others’ feelings in the future. If appropriate, revisit the person or group to let them know what to look for from you in the future. This reinforces you heard and considered their perspectives and feelings, and lets them know what to look for in your behavior in the future. 

An artful apology can build your leadership presence and credibility by demonstrating relationship intelligence and your willingness to learn.

-Andrea Zintz, Career Coach, President, Strategic Leadership Resources