Helene Lerner's Blog, page 91

Everyday Miracles

Miracles can happen everyday. What's one of YOUR everyday miracles?

Video Editor: Michelle Purpura

Be Confident to Take Risks

What would risk taking look like for you? Would it mean leaving your current job to hunt for another one? Taking a completely different job in the same organization? Starting your own business? Running for local office? 

It’s about leaving the world you know (whether you like that world or not) and stepping into unchartered waters. You can’t control or predict whether you will be successful in that new land. But what you can do is prepare well and set yourself up for success. 

Try taking a risk by trusting in these different ways: 

Trust Yourself – What will decide whether you take a risk or not? That’s right—it all begins with what you tell yourself!

Do you have a vision of you succeeding in your next chapter? “The first sale is always to yourself.” It all starts with you trusting that you can do it. You have to be able to see yourself succeeding on the other side of that risk in order to show your passion to anyone else. 

What strengths are you devaluing? We tend to think because we know how to do something, then anyone can. We overlook the capacities that have helped us be successful and will help us take risks moving forward.

Do you have a fixed or a growth mindset? From the work of psychologist Carol Dweck, if you have a fixed mindset then you believe you ‘know what you know’. So the idea of having to learn new skills in order to succeed will threaten you. With a growth mindset, you believe you can learn what you need to know. You feel you can flex your learning muscle – and you are willing to take a risk because you trust that you will learn from people, reports, research, and personal experience in order to be able to succeed. 

Trust Others – Often other people will see your talents before you acknowledge them yourself. Are people telling you that you’d be great in this next chapter? Are others trying to recruit you to go for it? They wouldn’t be doing it if they didn’t believe you were ready. You might even ask them what you do that gives them confidence in you, so you can see yourself as they do. 

Trust a Plan – Do you feel “I can’t afford to have it not work”. If so, that’s real (especially if you are the breadwinner and even if the consequences are damage to your reputation). Put together a transition plan. Start that business on the side while you are still working. Make a plan of what you will need to learn (e.g., a new skill or credential) and calendar when you will do that. Make a plan how to get financing or how you will recoup your investment. In your interviews, or early on in the new venture, ask for the support and resources you will need (but be clear you are saying “yes!”, research indicates women’s asking logistical questions is perceived as lack of interest in the opportunity). Move away from a vague scary idea to a practical plan you can trust yourself to follow. Tell other people your vision so you will have to go through with it! 

Trust the Data – We tend to stay vague about our doubts. We tell ourselves “I can’t” or “I’m not smart enough,” but those beliefs are so vague it’s hard to know how to move past them. You want to get specific about what will make you confident to take the risk you are considering. For example, is it you think you are not ready, or you are worried you will make visible mistakes and be judged? You want to assess specifically what your confidence issue is and get practical solutions that will help you build your confidence in the specific way you need it. 

I have a friend who teaches women how to play poker as a way of building confidence. She says that men “play to win” and women “play not to lose”. Which defines your life? 

 

Kick Insomnia and Sleep Well Even When Stressed

What you do in the few minutes before bed aren’t the only what help you get a rejuvenating night of sleep. There are things you can do throughout your whole day that will set you up to relax at bedtime and sleep soundly. 

You only experience the kind of stress that keeps you wound up at night when you face situations that feel out of your control. The more control you have, the less stressed you feel. Strive to control what you CAN in any situation. 

We can’t really “manage stress.” What we can do is “manage ourselves.” Here are 7 ways you can ‘manage yourself’ throughout your day that will help you sleep well at night. 

Take Breaks 

I’m sure you “know” you should take care of yourself and you are probably saying to yourself: “Who has the time? It’s indulgent to take 3 minutes for myself, in that time I could be making doctor’s appointments for my children, sending my boss an update, or cleaning!” Women are 35% less likely to take breaks and are more likely to have a poor night’s sleep.

An optimal way of going through your day is to have “sprints” (intense focused concentration or mental/physical exertion) followed by brief periods of “recovery” (relaxing and replenishing your energy, even if it’s simply 3 minutes of deep breathing). When you exert energy and then follow it with a brief period of rejuvenation, these intermittent times of relaxation train your body to balance your On and the Off button. Research from the Energy Project shows that you will get more energy and feel more calm from this approach—yet you’ll be even more productive. 

Stay Rational not Reactive

If you try and stay focused on facts in interpersonal situations (and not on how you feel personally) it will help you keep calm and not react, otherwise you may regret things you either said or didn’t say. With this in mind, you won’t have to rehash the scenario in the middle of the night!

Minimize Interruptions 

The average business professional faces 7 interruptions (and up to 35 incoming emails) per hour. You can be in charge of how you respond to these incoming distractions. If you respond only to interruptions that are current priorities, and tell those you work and live with the best times to engage your attention, you will cut out some of the distractions that derail your day. You can end the day feeling satisfied with your accomplishments – and not feel guilty or overwhelmed before bedtime.

Regular Bedtime 

Sleep experts advise to go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning – even on weekends. A regular sleep routine keeps your biological clock steady so you rest better. 

Exercise 

Exercise which includes some vigorous exercise improves the length and quality of your sleep. It stimulates longer periods of the deepest and most restorative stages of sleep. It gets all your stress out! It’s best to exercise in the morning or during the day because aerobic exercise keeps your body temperature elevated (and burning calories and fat) for about 4 hours afterward, and its optimal for sleep when your body is cooled off. 

Eat bedtime snacks that promote sleep 

Some nighttime noshes help you sleep and decrease mid-sleep waking. Try cherry juice, kiwis, or walnuts—they keep the amino acid tryptophan working longer within your body and are natural sources of sleep promoting hormones. Combine carbohydrates and either calcium or a protein that contains tryptophan (these combos boost serotonin, a naturally occurring brain chemical that helps you feel good and calm). Try eating a banana with a teaspoon of peanut butter, or a half piece of toast and some slices of turkey. 

Pre-Sleep Wind Down Ritual 

Start your sleep time wind down about an hour before you want to be asleep. Start by finishing up whatever is stimulating you. Do what you must to empty your head to let go of thoughts you might hang on to: Write down any ‘to do’ items for tomorrow to get them out of your head. Write down your worries (and the solutions you are committed to carrying out in the morning). 

Once in bed, have a pre-sleep ritual to counter the buildup of stress hormones throughout the day. You might want to consider a brief reflection on what you are grateful for. Doing this will change your energy as it takes you out of your mental exertion and puts you into your heart energy. It will make you think of beautiful images as you fade off into the sleep sunset… 

You don’t have to let stress get the best of you. There are SO many things that you can control during stressful days to stay calm and sleep well through the night.

-Sharon Melnick, PhD, January 2015 Career Coach

3 Easy Strategies to Get MORE Time

We're often so pressed for time we wish someone would add a 25th hour to the day! But what if you had a way of having more energy to devote to your projects without needing any extra hours?

We can’t control time, but we can control our thoughts. They are the origin of any result you get and they create the quality of your life. Do you know how many thoughts the average human being has a day? Scientists have done this research and indicate the average person has 60-70,000 thoughts a day. 

Every one of those thoughts will take you closer to your goals and the quality of life you want to have, or further away from it. So… how many of your 60,000 thoughts a day (averaged over the past week) are going toward the results you want, and how many are taking you further away? 

Of the thousands of people I’ve asked, many estimate half toward, half away (and an even larger number of people say more of their thoughts derail them). Very productive people say about 70% of their thoughts go toward their daily results – yet that still leaves 30% of your thoughts on the table. That’s 20,000 thoughts a day. Over the course of one week that’s 100,000 thoughts. 

Even if you had no more time each day, what could you do if you had an extra 100,000 thoughts to devote to it this week? 

Start to notice: 

What’s the content of your thoughts: Do you have a picture of your bigger game in mind, and do you focus thought after thought on coming up with innovative ideas toward it? 

Or are your thoughts thwarted by how you feel about your colleagues? Or are you worried about whether people will judge you or hire you? 

What is the tone of your thoughts: Are your thoughts energizing and inspiring or do you pressure yourself with harsh self criticism or guilt? 

 Every thought has an energetic consciousness. It creates a physiological pattern—a confident thought literally gives you energy to act. Anger and frustration cause a stress response. Thoughts like “I have so much to do I will never get it all done” perpetuate your circuits being overloaded. 

What is the quality of your thoughts: Do your thoughts generally focus on the one matter before you, or do you frequently allow your attention to be divided with multitasking? 

Yes you have 60,000 opportunities a day to create the experience you want to have in your day and in your life. All you have to do is become more aware of the thoughts you are currently having, and know how to instantly change them.

This self talk you have all day long is like listening to a mental iPod. All you have to do is ask yourself what kind of tunes are playing on your soundtrack? Then take the easy steps to become a better DJ of your own mental iPod!

-Sharon Melnick, PhD, January 2015 Career Coach

Say YES to...

Check out our new video! What are YOU going to say YES to?

Video Editor: Michelle Purpura

Judge Wanda Dallas on Motherhood, Hope, and the Future

Judge Wanda Dallas used to be known as the social worker DA. “I don’t think anyone purposefully sets out to become criminals,” she says, “they fall into this because something is missing in their life. I try to look for what’s missing.” To Wanda being a judge isn’t just a job, it’s a service. “I have to make sure I never have a bad day. I can’t give less than what people deserve to have.”

Here are some insights from Wanda about life, work, and the future. 

When did you realize you wanted to be a judge? 
I never knew I wanted to be a judge, but I knew I wanted to go into law at a very young age. As a kid I found some law books at the library and couldn’t understand a thing. I never wanted to be something I didn’t understand, so when I was 11 I realized I needed to go to law school.

You did a variety of jobs when you were younger—from delivering papers, to tobacco farms, to factory work. How did these experiences affect you?
I think they made me aware of the importance of working hard. Nothing was ever given to me. Sometimes I think young people who only go to school miss something. That’s only one dimension. When you work hard and get through school too, you have a different perspective on life. 

I understand you had a difficult childhood. What would you tell your younger self that you now know?
I would probably tell my younger self “don’t lose hope.” If you lose hope you lose sight of the help that’s out there for you. If you reach out and get support it keeps you grounded and focused. 

Did your childhood affect your parenting?
Yes. I wanted my children to have something I felt I didn’t have. I don’t like to talk about my mom and her limitations, but she had them based on the obstacles she faced. I felt like the best service I could give her memory was to be a good mom. 

Wanda and her daughters

There are many single mothers out there who are struggling, what would you say to them?
It’s very, very hard. My fourteen-year-old daughter told me she doesn’t want me to be a single mom anymore. She said, “how will I know what a normal relationship looks like, if I don’t see one?” I thought that was so profound. She sees fragments of her mother and father, but I want her to look at one unit and see it can be successful. 

As single mothers we have to be there for each other. If we can support each other we can raise successful children. They will not be more challenged, simply by virtue of the fact we’re raising them alone. You can take the best of who you are and the best of what you’ve been given, and give that to your child. 

What do you like most about your job? 
I love when young people come in my court. I’m always trying to figure out, “what am I supposed to say?”  I love finding the right words and seeing something spark inside them. I tell them I want them to go back to school, that I want them to focus on what they’re doing with their life. Everyday they tell me, “wow, I did not expect this.” To me, that’s the biggest compliment. 

 

Stress related Insomnia? 3 Strategies to Sleep Well through the Night

As working women, we work hard and give to others all day. When we are advised to get eight hours of sleep, but don't, it can make us feel guilty. We wish we knew how to shut off our devices in the evening, how to keep ourselves from trading an hour of productivity for sleep, or how to turn our heads off when we wake up at 2 a.m. anticipating tomorrow’s 'to do' list.  

We have the will, but not the way… but we do already have tools—both within ourselves and within easy reach—that can help us have more control to sleep throughout night.

Our response to stress comes from the nervous system, which has two parts to it: an "on button" (your sympathetic system which gives you energy and focuses on solving problems) and an "off button" (your parasympathetic system which gives you calm and replenishment). As human beings, we developed this nervous system apparatus early in our evolution: when approached by a saber toothed tiger, our on button would release a full-blown 'fight or flight' reaction, and when the danger subsided the off button would resume its function of rest and digest. In this way, we were built to have coordination between the two.

Because of the "always on" nature of our professional and personal lives, and our sense of responsibility for others, many of us women are unbalanced.  We only use our on button. 

Here are three strategies from my book Success Under Stress: Powerful Tools for Staying Calm, Confident, and Productive When the Pressure's On to easily press the off button and win over your insomnia. To hit the off button:

Do left nostril breathing. When you wake up in the middle of the night, simply cover your right nostril with your thumb or index finger, and breathe normally through your left nostril only. The reason it works is that this breath activates a nerve that immediately engages the relaxing part of your nervous system. Even for those of you who are busy mothers or Type A achievers, this magic bullet technique will get you back to sleep within three minutes! And you'll wake up feeling more rested. (Make sure to do this technique correctly, if you breathe through the wrong nostril you'll be up for hours and you might as well go to the office at 3 a.m.!)

Balance your On and Off button. Any time you take even 3 minutes out of your day for a deep breathing mental vacation (or even better, when you do something that really detaches you from stress, such as exercise, massage, a walk, etc) it helps your system be more relaxed for sleep time. 

Use natural aides to press the Off button. You can create a state of short-term relaxation with Chamomile tea or breathing in essential oils with relaxing aromas such as lavender, vanilla, cinnamon. Also, most of us who are stressed out or live in urban environments are unknowingly deprived of the mineral magnesium, potentially causing insomnia and anxiety. So fill your tank with a magnesium supplement before bedtime. It relaxes your muscles and helps you drift off to sleep easily.  

You are the center of your family and your team and your clients, they need you to take good care of yourself. There is so much more that you can control when it comes to getting enough sleep. Know how to access your Off button, and instead of staring at the ceiling feeling guilty, you'll sleep like a baby and wake up rested to start the day right!

-Sharon Melnick, PhD, January 2015 Career Coach

Happiness Is...

What brings you happiness? Check out our new video and tell us what makes you happy below!

Video Editor: Michelle Purpura

Dare to Live Fully: Manifest Miracles!

Listen to Helene's new radio show where she sits down with Zhena Muzkya, founder of Zhena's Gypsy Tea. A passionate, resourceful entrepreneur, Zhena went from being struggling single mother to the head of a multimillion dollar business. Her resolve to serve others kept her going no matter what obstacles she faced.

Read an excerpt of the interview here:

Zhena: With a mission to serve, you cannot fail. When I look back on how a college dropout, single mom with $6 to her name was able to build a multimillion dollar business with products in over 20,000 stores… that doesn’t happen unless there is a bigger mission at play. Anytime I work with a company or a woman CEO I say, “Find the mission that’s going to inspire you to work 20 hour days, because that’s what it’s going to look like sometimes.”

Find the beacon that is your daily reminder of that mission. At first it was my son, and then it was the pictures of the kids in the tea fields everywhere. Surround yourself with reminders about why you’re doing it. First you find your mission, then you find your beacon, then you build a context for every single person around you. I went to all my customers and said, 'Listen, this isn’t tea. We’re ending poverty for tea workers.”

Helene: The obstacles are always there. We all go through terror and fear as we tackle something new. But what’s larger than the fear is to be of service, to look outside of yourself and make a difference. It’s very important to align yourself with something that’s meaningful to you and connects with your soul.

Everyone on this planet has a purpose beyond the mundane. We all have a soul purpose and a journey. And if you don’t think you know it-if you spend the time to reflect and really ask yourself, what turns me on? What are other people doing, like Zhena, that I want to do, you'll be guided to your special contribution.

For more of Helene and Zhena's inspiring conversation, check out the full interview here.

This program and future shows will also be available on iTunes the day after broadcast. Don't forget to give us a 5 star rating!

Have Courage to Speak Up

If you disagree with what others are saying in a meeting or have an unpopular idea to bring up, you might start to squirm as you have an inner debate whether to speak up: 

On the one hand you want to share information that will be helpful, on the other hand you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and you are worried about the repercussions. Will you receive negative feedback, lose respect, be shunned…or fired? It takes courage to speak your mind, and to speak the truth. 

 Here are 3 tips that might help you have the courage to speak up in a meeting with an unpopular (but brilliant!) idea: 

 1. Focus on your Beneficiaries. Instead of thinking about what others’ response to you will be, take yourself out of the equation. Focus on the beneficiaries of the points you raise. As the great Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said: “From caring comes courage”. 

Who will be helped, or protected, or served by your input? Think about the value you will be doing for them. See yourself a champion for the truth. Be proud of your integrity. Often as women we will negotiate or take courageous action on behalf of others but not out of our own convictions. When necessary, leverage this tendency so you can muster your courage to speak up!

2) Get air cover. When you want to speak up you are often most concerned with the ‘political fallout’ (i.e., what people will think and say about you in the future). If you know you have information or positions that will be difficult to raise, see if you can float the idea ahead of time and get your manager, mentor, peers, or sponsor to back you up. Another helpful strategy is to raise the idea with key opinion leaders before the meeting (whenever possible) to see if they have any suggestions about how to ruffle the fewest feathers. 

3) Build rather than Destroy. Even if your point is unpopular try to say it in a way that bridges with what others have said, so that your idea seems more like a build on others ideas rather than a criticism. Be confident in your approach and pleasant in your tone. “I think your idea makes sense if we are thinking for the short term, but if we look at it in terms of the long term impact I would recommend we do it this way instead” 

And if you truly disagree in whole with what others are saying, then have the courage of your convictions and say so! Expect that you will be challenged so be prepared to back it up with facts and strong reasoning. Then take a deep breath and go for it! As Anais Nin once famously inspired us to remember: Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. 

 -Sharon Melnick, PhD, January 2015 Career Coach