Helene Lerner's Blog, page 92

The Only Habit you Need to Achieve your 2015 Goals

How many New Year’s resolutions did you make to better your life in 2015? What if you just focused on one thing, and mastered it to help your goals come true?

Consider the questions you ask yourself daily. When you face a challenging situation, the first thing you often do is ask yourself a question—dozens of times a day. And anytime you ask yourself a question, your supercomputer brain begins answering it. 

Below are 5 questions that will derail you from having the success you seek—try to shift away from them as soon as they pop into your head. Then I’ll share 5 questions that will make your 2015 fantastic if you make it a habit of asking them. 

5 questions that will derail you.

How can I change the other person so they understand what I need? 
This is a classic no-no! This question will cause immediate frustration and keep you stressed.

How can I avoid doing something about this situation I’m stuck in? 
You may get relief in the moment but will keep your professional life stalled and your life stuck.

I’m exhausted, how can I survive the day? 
This may help you get through your short term situation, but it perpetuates a cycle of exhaustion. For example, you may drink an afternoon cup of coffee every afternoon, instead of examining the real causes of your exhaustion and doing something to improve it.

How can I get another job? 
This question is too vague and makes it hard to get started. You want to ask questions that will get you information you can act on, such as: What kind of work do I want to do each day? Who is hiring in my area? What skills will I need? These questions are more specific and will get you in action.

What will other people think?
What other people think about you is the thing you can control the least. Trying your best in any situation is the best thing you can do to ensure that people will respect you.

Ask yourself these 5 questions instead. 

What does it look like to bring forth my best self in this situation? 
This question helps you focus on what you can control. It lifts you out of ‘what is,’ and enables you to see new possibilities that you can immediately act on

What is the single best action I can take right now that will move me closer to what I want in this situation? 
It’s always helpful to try to break any big challenge into small steps. For example, if you want to start your own home-based business and don’t know where to start, you might follow these steps: Step 1: Decide what kind of business. Do you have something to sell or know how to do something others don’t? Step 2. Find a way to let other people know what you offer. Start by sending an email to every person you know, or ask what you can do for someone in exchange for letting their network know. When you get more specific it’s easier to get started!

Who is already getting the result I want… and how can I learn from that person?
Hire or get mentored by that person! This is especially true if you are in a situation where you want to make a career move. Start reaching out to people in your network and see if you can be introduced to someone doing that job. Ask them what credentials and experience they needed, how they got it, and for the best piece of advice they could give you. Then do what they say!

What am I doing that is allowing this situation to perpetuate? 
If you are unhappy in your current work situation, ask yourself what you might be doing to contribute to it. For example, if you asked for more responsibility or reached out to more people in the organization would you feel more satisfied? If you are ready for a different job, then ask specific questions that will help you take first steps.

What am I grateful for?
Put this question into your heart and let it make you smile. It gives me energy AND calms me down. Suddenly the things I was stressing about seem in perspective. Try doing this one daily!

--Sharon Melnick, PhD, January 2015 Career Coach

Breaking... Pushing... Finding your Next Fashion Trend

Breaking the Rules
Pushing Pass Your Normal Trend
Finding Your Best You this New Year!

I feel so excited about every New Year! It’s the beginning of new things—new jobs/careers for some, maybe new loves for others… it’s the time and opportunity for change. It has been my goal to stretch your comfort zone and grow your enthusiasm and courage in YOUR professional fashion statement. Your professional self and your overall fashion identity should intermingle. Style is mixable in all genres of your life; it’s how you incorporate them that makes you successful or not. This year let’s work on sprinkling your style aesthetic more evenly across your lifestyle as a woman in general; in all aspects of what you do and who you are. If you’re up for that challenge, consider this new trend…

When you think of the winter season, it is so easy to reach for the dark hues in your closet, like navy, black and grey, or autumnal colors, like greens, burgundy and deep orange/sienna. What’s new and fresh about this winter’s trends is the welcoming of BOLDS and BRIGHTS into our wardrobe. It’s not just for the fashionistas on the runway. Fun and vibrant colors in faux fur and real fur (your preference) are en vogue in a huge way. Celebrating the beauty and luxury of furs are synonymous with winter bliss, much like cashmeres and suedes are. The luxury of enjoying fur is for everyone, especially since faux fur is just as fashionable and more cost efficient.

My suggestion is to try this trend in faux furs so it’s not a waste of money when the trend ends. It’s not a core element of your wardrobe by any means, but it’s a fun way to bring some vibrancy in an otherwise “hum drum” time of year. If a full coat or jacket is too much for you, then incorporate this trend into your accessories like multi-colored or solid-yet-bold fur handbags, hats or scarves.  Take a peek at a few options here and consider bringing some “bright” into these early evening winter nights. 

My duty as a fashion stylist and trend expert is to help you think outside the box and try new things in fashion for the workplace. I want to share a great fashion guide to add to the amazing advice I already give you monthly (smile)!  

George Brescia is infamous for working with actresses on Broadway stage and films. He is uber-talented as a stylist to the stars, like myself, but he has put pen to paper and created this book to explain that how you dress affects your life and how you are perceived… which I preach all the time. Change Your Clothes, Change Your Life reveals the true power your clothing/look has on your life and how it impacts your job prospects, your romantic life, your income, and even your deepest sense of self. This book is an easy read. Perfect for yourself or as a gift to anyone who is a little fashion deprived and in need of a boost!

  

Pamela Watson is an experienced stylist who currently works as the trend expert for Builders of Style, where she prepares A-list clients for red carpet events, music videos, concerts and award shows. Have a question for Pamela? Either ask below or email administrator [at] womenworking [dot] com. 

How to Keep Your Confidence when you Lack Support

Say you put hours and hours into a project and it comes out great…but you receive no feedback from your boss. Or what if you were really appreciated by your former manager, but because of restructuring you have a new one you have to prove yourself to again. Or maybe your performance is stellar, but because everyone is moving at such a fast pace, your boss isn’t noticing. 

How do you keep your confidence when it feels like other people don’t notice your efforts? 

Here are 3 strategies that will help you: 

Distinguish Your Confidence vs Others’ Conduct

Your confidence is a feeling you have inside and you have control over it. It comes from your beliefs, self talk, and actions that build a sense of power in yourself. In contrast, not being noticed or being criticized is the behavior of others. You have a choice how to respond to it. For example, you can ask for feedback to know objectively where you can improve in your boss’s eyes. 

If you are not getting noticed or supported, it doesn’t mean that you are not worthy of it. It means that you are either not effectively influencing that person to notice you, or you are expecting to be noticed and reassured by someone who is unlikely or incapable of noticing you. Make the distinction between your confidence and others’ conduct. 

Give it to Yourself!

If you are not able to be validated by someone important to you, you might wonder how you can maintain your confidence. Answer: enjoy the ride! Feel stimulated by what you learned through your work project and get energized by the progress you made. Think of the value your efforts brought to your team members, clients, and community, and feel the reward that comes from knowing you helped other people. The value of your contributions does not come from your boss’s telling you that it was valuable. 

Create a Confidence Building World around You

Know that it’s perfectly normal to want to feel valued. You deserve to feel valued, and ideally you should feel that from your work environment. But the question is, what if you don’t right now? First make sure that you are informing your boss of your efforts so it’s not a question of him or her not knowing. Second, branch out and make great relationships with other stakeholders so that you are visible to people who might be more capable than your boss at appreciating you. Start moving toward a boss who will have the same view of you that you do! 

There are many factors that may wear down your confidence these days. With so many changes and restructuring going on in organizations, you may need to repeatedly ‘prove’ yourself with new managers and peers. Otherwise resentment may begin to build when you are consistently performing well but are not noticed for advancement due to factors beyond your control—it can wear you down.

So what can you do to stay confident, even if your boss (or spouse, or child, or family member…) doesn’t notice? 

--Sharon Melnick, PhD, January 2015 Career Coach

Step Out of your Comfort Zone

With the new year underway it's time for you to step OUT of your comfort zone! 

Video Editor: Michelle Purpura

Yoga for your Busy Work Schedule

Mindfulness for the Office

Much of our tension and pain from work is simply due to a lack of regulated breathing. Shallow breathing restricts muscles which leads to tension. 

Remember to breathe. Find a touch stone in your office, whether its your water cooler, a little statue, or a picture. Let it remind you every time you see it to pause and take three deep breaths, then resume your work.

Regular Movement

In the office we often sit for too many hours and simply get up and walking or other basic movements can help with pain and tension.

Office Walks. If you have to sit at a desk for many hours, have a bottle of water always on hand and aim to drink twice as much as you usually do. This helps keep you hydrated and also gets you up and moving.

Stretching the back of the neck and shoulders

Our trapezius muscles (the tops of our shoulders) are nick-named the "traps" because they "trap" all our tension and stress. Many of us only half engage these muscles, so our body never gets the message they are fully engaged at all. In order to relax them, we need to ENGAGE them fully in order to let our bodies RELAX them. 

Shoulder Rolls. Relax your arms, can do this seated or standing (good for the office, the airplane, or anytime you notice you are harboring tension around the neck).

Lift your shoulders as high as you can to try and touch your ear lobes.
Roll the shoulders back as far as you can, 
Then lengthen away from the ears.

Wringing out the Spine

In the office, we often hunch over and create tension in the spine, causing back pain. Twisting detoxifies the body while creating space between the vertebrae, allowing for motion and openness in the back.

In a twist, think about spiraling towards the ceiling like a barber pole rather than torquing towards the back wall. 

Chair Twist. Stand to one side of the chair. Lift one leg onto the seat and hold the back rest with the same hand and twist. This can also be done by reaching behind you and twisting while seated.

 

Mindfulness for the Car

Feeling the Inner Smile

Send the sensation of smiling throughout your entire body. Even if it feels fabricated, there are still health benefits. This helps loosen your shoulders, balances blood pressure, and boosts your immune system, as well as creates calm during stressful times while driving.

Yellow Light, Red Light Meditation

Whenever you see a yellow light, slow down your breathing and feel a sense of slowing down. When you see a red light, pause, breath, and elevate your world view. Drop inner commentary and be present with the physical world around you.

Before a Hectic Work Day

When you wake up in the morning remind yourself of three things you are grateful for! Internally recite and acknowledge your blessings throughout your busy draining day.

This is proven in the medical field to have significant health boosts!

River Morgan is a third generation yogini, who focuses on creating an experience for every b.o.d.y.

Start Following your Intuition in 2015

What if while all your friends and family are happily proceeding with their New Year’s Resolutions, you’ve been having a hard time deciding on yours? Use these 3 practices to figure out what you want and start getting it this year! 

Allow Intuitions
Your brain has two modes of thinking. You have an “on” button which is always on the hunt for what you can tick off your list, how to run in between meetings or activities, and emotionally reacting to everyone else’s needs. You also have an “off” button which allows relaxation, accesses your intuition, and imagines new possibilities for your future. 

Your intuition may come in the form of a picture (you were in a meeting with a woman who started her own business and for a flash you thought, “That could be me”).

It may come in the form of a strong feeling about an experience or an opportunity (such as wanting more energy, or really enjoying the time you volunteered last year). 

It may appear as a “voice from within” (a whisper you’ve heard yourself say to yourself, as if you are being called to do it).

If you were always putting your attention into other people in 2014, then you were crowding out your intuition and new ideas about your future. It’s time to build in some “off button” time, even if it’s just a few minutes a day of deep breathing or internal reflection. Try walking part of the way to your office, enjoying a few extra minutes in the bath, or taking a brief mental vacation during busy days. 

Notice your Reactions
As you begin listening to your intuition, try imaging your image for the future clearly and notice the energy and conversation in your head. 

Become fluent in the language your body uses to tell you you’re excited about something. For example, when I am excited I get a huge smile and positive flutters in my stomach; when I don’t want something, my head becomes very noisy with complaints and resistance. 

As you come up with ideas about switching to a new job, taking singing lessons, or volunteering, notice what you tell yourself in your head. Be careful not to talk yourself out of it by saying “oh I’m too old to do that” or “I’m too busy” or “that’s for other people but I could never do that”, etc. 

Explore Possibilities 
Contrary to what you might think, your head is not the place to figure out what you want! Get out of your head and into the real world where you can start to try things on for size. Let’s get some data!

If you want more responsibility, then ask for an additional piece of work and see how it feels. If you want a different job or want to take up a new hobby, start asking people who have done it what they recommend. Read online about people who practice that skill. Volunteer in that sector. Find a MeetUp group with people who are immersed in that world. Once you are out and about, continue Practice #2 and notice how it feels. Keeping track of your journey in a beautiful notebook is a great way to remember and build on your process. Then you can look back in a short while to appreciate how far you have come. 

Bonus Practice: Enjoy! 

Here’s a practice you want to do everyday for the rest of your life: Enjoy your own company! When you are enjoying your own company you are naturally doing the practices above!

--Sharon Melnick, January 2015 Career Coach

5 Differences Between Managers and Leaders

Managers and leaders share many of the same responsibilities, and their official titles include many of the same duties. However, truly successful leaders often have qualities that managers lack. 

Making the leap from management to leadership requires characteristics that not every would-be leader has, but what exactly sets great leaders apart? 

Leaders treat employees as equals, not subordinates

Managers think of employees as subordinates. Leaders prefer to develop peers. A leader places more importance on passion than on control, and employees are often drawn to that. 

Leaders break rules

A dutiful manager usually follows established procedures and mimics tested practices. A leader may choose a path that is not often taken, or has never been tested. Venturing off the beaten path breeds interest, curiosity and positive attitudes. It requires courage and patience, but leaders know how to use it effectively.

Leaders focus on the big picture

Managers often focus on the immediate requirements of a job, like deadline and bottom lines. Leaders take a perspective that is good for today and for the future. Seeing beyond immediate goals requires inspiration, a quality that leaders both possess and develop in others.

Leaders focus on vision, not execution

A reliable manager often gets things done, regardless of what it takes. A leader can provide a vision of the possibilities that lie ahead, and rally others to follow. Articulating a vision lets leaders share insights for practices that are later delegated for execution.

Leaders accept and embrace risk

Leaders see risk as a potential route to success that managers may prefer to avoid. Leaders find ways to take risks and break the rules that create obstacles to success. Leaders accept and even embrace risk, because they know that the riskiest decisions are often the best ones. 

What do you think separates great leaders from managers? 

Abby Perkins is Editor in Chief at Talent Tribune , where she writes about people, technology and HR software. 

 

Stop Caving to Interruptions in 2015

Many of us set an intention to be more focused and productive in 2015. We want to have a feeling of being satisfied about our accomplishments, instead of ending the day asking yet again, “Where did the day go?”

For many of us our New Year’s Resolutions depend on us being able to have more control over our schedule, but how are we supposed to do that when research studies indicate we are interrupted on average 7x/hour and waste approximately 2.1 hours a day on distractions? How can we have more control over our day (and our year) when other people bring us their crises and involve us in their stresses? 

The more you feel in control the less you will feel stress, and the more success you will have. You’ve probably been thinking that since interruptions originate with another person, they need to be the one to stop it – but you have more control than you think.   

Here’s a 3 step process that will help you eliminate up to 75% of your current interruptions and take back control over your day.

From now on, every interruption or distraction you face can be responded to in one of these 3 ways, I call this A-C-T. You can either:   

A: Allow or Accept

C: Cut it off at the Pass or Curtail

T: Triage

Here’s how to decide: 

Accept or Allow

Make a short list of criteria to determine which situations you will accept or allow as an interruption. If you decide an interruption is just as or more important than whatever you are currently doing, then Accept or Allow it. Give it your full attention. Resolve the issue. For example:

Your manager or client expects real time availability (you know this because you’ve asked, not because you guess that’s what they want or you fear their response).
There’s a significant risk if you don’t respond.
An important or income-generating project can only move forward with your input.
There’s a personal or family emergency, or the interrupter is an emotionally important person who generally doesn’t waste your time.

Cut it off at the Pass, or Curtail

Prevention! Make a list of your most frequent sources of interruptions and distractions then problem solve them away.  
Assemble a FAQ document with comprehensive answers to frequent questions. 
Schedule Interruption buffer times to answer emails.
Silence email notifications, ringers, etc. to create uninterrupted work time.
Hold “office hours” so people know when to contact you or expect a call back.

Triage

Just like the Emergency Room nurse, pleasantly ask a few questions that clarify the situation and enable you to tell the interrupter your plan for when/how you will respond. Have handy a list of three to five questions that are relevant for any distracting circumstances.  

Once you start to A-C-T on interruptions you will have more control over your day, and free up your mind and schedule to complete your 2015 intentions. Many people who practice this approach gain up to an hour more productivity a day!

Leave me a comment what you will do with your extra hour a day.

--Sharon Melnick, January 2015 Career Coach

Three step process adapted from Success under Stress: Powerful Tools for Staying Calm, Confident, and Productive when the Pressure’s On. 

Cheers to a New Year!

Cheers to the New Year!

What's your resolution?

Video Editor: Melenie McGregor

Meet our January Career Coach

Hi, I’m Dr. Sharon Melnick and I am so excited to be your January coach. 

As women, we are smart and talented, but we just need to start trusting ourselves. We know how to take care of others, we just have to learn to take better care of ourselves. We are ambitious, we just want to make sure that we are asking for what we deserve and influencing others in ways that are as effective as possible. 

I believe in the now famous quote by the Dalai Lama, who said, “The world will be changed by the [Western] woman." By all women. Now is the time for women to step into new roles in their organizations, to grow our businesses, to be able to integrate our work and personal lives into one whole life that brings us satisfaction and value to the people around us. As women we are starting to live up to our potential and we are changing the world! 

I’ll be writing to you about how you can have confidence in yourself, and trust yourself, instead of draining your energy trying to please other people or worrying how others will judge you. I’ll also be writing about how you can influence others to make it easier to advance in your job, get new clients, or to get a new job. Later this year I’ll also doing a Telesummit; Confidence Revolution for Women.    

My undergraduate education is from Yale University and my graduate education is from UC Berkeley and Harvard Medical School. But where I really learned the most is from observing myself as I held myself back from my potential or caused myself stress as I tried to balance all the parts of my life. It’s the lessons that I’ve learned from helping myself ‘get out of my own way,’ and training others to do the same. 

I live in NYC with my family and my cat. I love to run in Riverside Park and I practice yoga. Please send me your questions and comments; I look forward to getting to know you.