The Solution to Stop Blaming Yourself

I was having a phone conversation yesterday with a colleague and it was going well. Then, seemingly out of the blue, it wasn’t going so well. Our conversation had taken a turn, and I could tell “Susan” was irritated, if not already angry. As the tension rose, my first thought was, “She’s being unreasonable, no doubt about it.” No sooner had I thought this, I wondered:  “Am I’m the problem here?" That’s when my mind went back to, “No, this isn’t about me—it’s about her.”

That’s never a good place to end up—even if it’s true. Which brings us to the question, “Am I the problem?” That’s an appropriate question, but again, it's never a good place to end up. “Am I the problem here?” That question takes emotional intelligence to ask, but we don't want to stop there. Is the real issue one of blame? No. The real issue is, “What’s a solution for this?”

Fortunately, this time that’s where my mind went. As soon as I shifted to a solution mindset, I could feel myself relax. I could also feel my power coming back—the power I previously gave away by asking who was at fault. Taking responsibility isn’t about blame. It’s about being response-able—being able to respond to whatever is at hand. That's why the question, "What's a solution for this" is so powerful.

This is true when it comes to communicating with yourself, just as it is true with how you communicate with others. Something magical happens when we skip blaming ourselves when something goes wrong, and instead we and go right to finding solutions. Who really cares “who’s at fault?” If you make a mistake, even a major one, there’s no need to beat yourself up over it. The fact is, whether you're dealing with someone else or just yourself, the power question to ask is, "What's a solution here?"

- Alan Allard, Executive Coach