Boundaries Quotes

“Two aspects of limits stand out when it comes to creating better boundaries. The first is setting limits on others. This is the component that we most often hear about when we talk about boundaries. In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can’t do that. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right. Our model is God. He does not really “set limits” on people to “make them” behave. God sets standards, but he lets people be who they are and then separates himself from them when they misbehave, saying in effect, “You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot come into my house.” Heaven is a place for the repentant, and all are welcome. But God limits his exposure to evil, unrepentant people, as should we. Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways (Matt. 18:15–17; 1 Cor. 5:9–13). We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us.” “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy” (Prov. 14:10).”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“If other people have the power to get you to react, they are inside your walls, inside your boundaries. Stop reacting. Be proactive. Give empathy. “Sounds like life is hard right now. Tell me about it.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“What happens when a rescuing, enabling person meets a controlling, insensitive person? Answer: they get married!”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Don't let anyone fool you. All friendships need to be based on attachment or they have a shaky foundation.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“I didn’t want to move out of hell. I knew the names of all the streets!”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Don’t be an ear tickler. Don’t be a chronic people pleaser.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Sherrie felt defensive about her only son. “Maybe Todd has an attention-deficit problem, or he’s hyperactive?” Mrs. Russell shook her head. “When Todd’s second-grade teacher wondered about that last year, psychological testing ruled that out. Todd stays on task very well when he’s interested in the subject. I’m no therapist, but it seems to me that he’s just not used to responding to rules.” Now Sherrie’s defensiveness turned from Todd to herself.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“It’s scary to realize that the only thing holding our friends to us isn’t our performance or our lovability, or their guilt or their obligation. The only thing that will keep them calling, spending time with us, and putting up with us is love. And that’s the one thing we can’t control.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Respond, Don’t React When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost. When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices. If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can’t force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say and something that violates your separateness. When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“The primary problem of individuals who can’t hear no—which is different from not being able to say no—is that they tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others. They use various means of control to motivate others to carry the load intended by God to be theirs alone. Remember the “boulder and knapsack” illustration in chapter 2?”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Pablo le advirtió a los colosen-ses que hacer reglas y abstenerse de ciertas prácticas no desarro-llaría la madurez que necesitaban para vivir la vida. Los problemas humanos son asuntos del corazón, del alma, de la orientación individual hacia Dios, y de una inmensa gama de otros asuntos relacionados con la madurez. Como dice Pablo, evitar ciertas cosas en las que te puedes involucrar peligrosamen-te, no cura el problema básico de inmadurez, que es interno y no externo. Quizás seas inmaduro y no estás listo para lidiar con las citas, así que te abstienes de ellas. Pero, al menos que hagas algo para crecer, seguirás”
― Henry Cloud, LÍMITES en el noviazgo: Cuando decir sí y cuando decir no: Tome control de su vida: Cuándo decir sí. cuándo decir NO. tome el control de su vida

“No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study or practice, you can't develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others. Don't even try to start...until you have entered into deep, abiding attachments with people who will love you no matter what.
Our deepest need is to belong, to be in a relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional 'home'. 1 John 4:16
...Attachment is the foundation of the soul's existence. When this foundation is cracked or faulty, boundaries become impossible to develop. ///When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options: 1. set limits and risk losing a relationship. 2. don't set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another.
p.64”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“The Law of Activity
Many times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative - the God-given ability to propel ourselves into life. We respond to invitations and push ourselves into life.
The best boundaries are formed when a child is pushing against the world naturally, and the outside world sets its limits on the child. In this way, the aggressive child has learned limits without losing his or her spirit. Our spiritual and emotional well-being depends on our having this spirit.
Consider the contrast in the parable of the talents. The ones who succeeded were ACTIVE and assertive. They initiated and pushed. The one who lost out was PASSIVE and inactive.
The sad thing is that many people who are passive are not inherently evil or bad people. But evil is an active force and passivity can become an ally of evil by NOT pushing against it. Passivity never pays off. God will match our effort, but he will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He wants us to be assertive and active, seeking and knocking on the door of life.
We know that God is not mean to people who are afraid; the Scriptures is full of examples of his compassion. But he will not enable passivity. The wicked and lazy servant was passive. He did not try. God's grace covers failure but it cannot makeup for passivity. We have to do our part.
The sin God rebukes is not trying and failing, but failing to try. Trying, failing, and trying again is called learning. Failing to try will have no good result; evil will triumph. HEBREWS 10:38-39 … do not shrink back.
Passive shrinking back is intolerable to God, and when we understand how destructive it is to the soul, we can see why God does not tolerate it. God wants us to preserve our souls. That is the role of boundaries; they define and preserve our property, our soul.
p. 99”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries

“we were called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others...If your giving is not leading to cheer, then you need to examine the Law of Motivation.
The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to.
pg. 92”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries

“How can you love too much?"...
"I do far more for people than I should. And that makes me very depressed."
"I'm not quite sure what you are doing...but if certainly isn't love. The Bible says that true love leads to a blessed state and a state of cheer. Love brings happiness, not depression. If your loving is depressing you, it's probably not love."
"...I give and give and give. How can you say that I'm not loving?"
"I can say that because of the fruit of your actions. You should be feeling happy..." As we spent more time together, Stan learned that a lot of his doing and sacrificing was not motivated by love but by fear. Stan had learned early in life that if he did not do what his mother wanted, she would withdraw love from him. As a result, Stan learned to give reluctantly. His motive for giving was not love, but fear of losing love.
Stan was also afraid of other people's anger....This fear kept him from saying no to others...
Stan said yes out of fear that he would lose love and that other people would get angry at him. These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries:
1. Fear of loss of love or abandonment: People who say yes and then resent saying yes fear losing someone's love. This is the dominant motive of martyrs. They give to get love, and when they don't get it, they feel abandoned....
4. Fear of losing the good me inside.
5. Guilt. Many peoples giving is motivated by guilt. They are trying to do enough good things to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves. When they say no, they feel bad. So they keep trying to earn a sense of goodness.
… 7. Many feel as if they are still children seeking parental approval. Therefore, when someone wants something from them, they need to give so that this symbolic parent will be "well pleased".
pg. 91-92”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries

“You cannot change others. More people suffer from trying to change others than from any other sickness. And it is impossible.
What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.
Another dynamic that happens when you let go of others is that you begin to get healthy, and they may notice and envy your health. They may want some of what you have.
One more thing. You need the wisdom to know what is you and what is not you. Pray for the wisdom. p. 89”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries

“Eileen's parents' lack of limits on her hurt her character development. Though she was a loving wife, mother and worker, others were constantly frustrated at her undisciplined, careless way of living. It costs others a lot to be in relationship with her. Yet she was so loveable that most of her friends didn't want to hurt her feelings by confronting her. So the problem remained unsolved.
Lack of parental boundaries is the opposite of hostility. Again, biblical discipline would have provided the necessary structure to help Eileen develop her character.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries

“Children whose paretns whithdraw when they start setting limits learn to accentuate and develop their compliant, loving, sensitive parts. At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust and hate their aggressive, truth-telling and separate parts. If someone they love pulls away when they become angry, cantankerous or experimental, children learn to hide these parts of themselves.
Parents who tell their children, "It hurts us when you're angry" make the child responsible for the emotional health of the parent. In effect, the child has just been made the parent of the parent - sometimes at two or three years old. It's far, far better to say, "I know you're angry, but you still can't have that toy." And then take your hurt feelings to a spouse, friend or the Lord. pg. 75”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries

“The child translates that message something like this: When I am good, I am loved. When I'm bad, I am cut off. Put your self in the child's place. What would you do?...God created people with a need for attachment and relationship. Parents who pull away from their child are, in essence, practicing spiritual and emotional blackmail. The child can either pretend to not disagree and keep the relationship, or he can continue to separate and lose his most important relationship in the world. He will most likely keep quiet.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries

“Many people have found immense relief in the thought that they have no control over another person and that they must focus on changing their reactions to that person. They must refuse to allow that person to affect them. This idea is life changing, the beginning of true self-control. Problem”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“4: Difficult Coworkers”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“We rarely see people as they really are; our perceptions are distorted by past relationships and our own preconceptions of who we think they are, even the people we know best.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Es ahí cuando necesitas el poder de un sistema de apoyo.Como Eclesiastés 4:9–12 dice: «Más valen dos que uno, porque obtienen más fruto de su esfuerzo. Si caen, el uno levanta al otro.¡Ay del que cae y no tiene quien lo levante! Si dos se acuestan juntos, entrarán en calor; uno solo ¿cómo va a calentarse? Uno solo puede ser vencido, pero dos pueden resistir. ¡La cuerda de tres hilos no se rompe fácilmente!»”
― Henry Cloud, LÍMITES en el noviazgo: Cuando decir sí y cuando decir no: Tome control de su vida: Cuándo decir sí. cuándo decir NO. tome el control de su vida

“(ver Efesios 4:16 y 1 Pedro 4:10).Las amigas de Debbie pudieron haber visto cómo ella estaba perdiendo sus valores espirituales y su relación con Dios.”
― Henry Cloud, LÍMITES en el noviazgo: Cuando decir sí y cuando decir no: Tome control de su vida: Cuándo decir sí. cuándo decir NO. tome el control de su vida

“What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Diga que no a lo que no es importante y diga que no a la tendencia a no hacer lo mejor que pueda. Si hace lo más importante de la mejor manera, logrará sus metas.”
― Henry Cloud, Límites

“La liber-tad y la responsabilidad son necesarias para que el amor se desa-rrolle en este tipo de relación.”
― Henry Cloud, LÍMITES en el noviazgo: Cuando decir sí y cuando decir no: Tome control de su vida: Cuándo decir sí. cuándo decir NO. tome el control de su vida

“Nunca cuenten a un tercero algo sobre otra persona que no se lo dirían a esa persona de frente.”
― Henry Cloud, Límites