Boundaries Quotes

“This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the good. It’s the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Your envy should always be a sign to you that you are lacking something. At that moment, you should ask God to help you understand what you resent, why you do not have whatever you are envying, and whether you truly desire it. Ask him to show you what you need to do to get there or to give up the desire.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to that person forever.”
― Henry Cloud / John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Limits Two aspects of limits stand out when it comes to creating better boundaries. The first is setting limits on others. This is the component that we most often hear about when we talk about boundaries. In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can’t do that. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right. Our model is God. He does not really “set limits” on people to “make them” behave. God sets standards, but he lets people be who they are and then separates himself from them when they misbehave, saying in effect, “You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot come into my house.” Heaven is a place for the repentant, and all are welcome. But God limits his exposure to evil, unrepentant people, as should we. Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways (Matt. 18:15–17; 1 Cor. 5:9–13). We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love. The other aspect of limits that is helpful when talking about boundaries is setting our own internal limits. We need to have spaces inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire without acting it out. We need self-control without repression. We need to be able to say no to ourselves. This includes both our destructive desires and some good ones that are not wise to pursue at a given time. Internal structure is a very important component of boundaries and identity, as well as ownership, responsibility, and self-control.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“It’s important to tie consequences as closely as possible to the actions of the child. This best replicates real life. Homework projects are another area in which parents can either help the child take on responsibility—or create the illusion of the eternal, omnipresent parent who will always take up the slack. It’s difficult when your child comes to you tearfully, saying, “I have a ten-page report due tomorrow—and I just started.” Our impulse, as loving parents, is to bail them out by doing the research, or the organization, or the typing. Or all three. Why do we do this? Because we love our kids. We long for the best for them just as God longs for the best for us. And yet, just as God allows us to experience our failures, we may need to let our kids mar a good report card with a bad grade. This is often the consequence of not planning ahead.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“God, at his deepest level, is a lover (1 John 4:8). He is relationally oriented and relationally driven. He desires connection with us from womb to tomb: “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jer. 31:3). God’s loving nature isn’t passive. It’s active. Love multiplies itself. God the relational Lover is also God the aggressive Creator. He wants to fill up his universe with beings who care for him—and for each other.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Kimse yaşamın verdiği eğitimden gerçek anlamda kurtulamaz. O her zaman galip gelir. Bizler her zaman ektiğimizi biçeriz. Ve disiplin yaşamımıza ne kadar geç girerse, tablo o kadar hüzünlü olur, çünkü bedeli de o kadar ağır olacaktır.”
― John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Gerçek sevgi karşılık beklemez. Bir başkasının bize önem vermesi için ona önem vermek, o kişiyi kontrol etmek için kullandığımız bir yöntemden başka bir şey değildir.”
― John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

“Gerçek "ben"i ve gerçekte neyi arzuladığımızı tarif edemeyiz. Arzuların pek çoğu, gerçekmiş gibi gizlenir. Onlar, gerçek arzulara sahip olmamamızla ortaya çıkan heveslerdir.”
― John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Sometimes we have bad on the inside and good on the outside. In these instances, we need to be able to open up our boundaries to let the good in and the bad out. In other words, our fences need gates in them. For example, if I find that I have some pain or sin within, I need to open up and communicate it to God and others, so that I can be healed. Confessing pain and sin helps to “get it out” so that it does not continue to poison me on the inside (1 John 1:9; James 5:16; Mark 7:21–23). And when the good is on the outside, we need to open our gates and “let it in.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“One couple was faced with an aunt whose feelings were hurt by their daughter’s refusal to kiss and hug her upon every visit. Sometimes the child wanted to be close; sometimes she wanted to stand back and watch. The couple responded to the aunt’s complaint by saying, “We don’t want Casey to feel that her affection is something she owes people. We’d like her to be in charge of her life.” These parents wanted their daughter’s yes to be yes and her no to be no”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“You can’t have “me” until you first have a “not-me.” It’s like trying to build a house on a plot of land filled with trees and wild brush. You must first cut away some space, then begin building your home. You must first determine who you aren’t before you discover the true, authentic aspects of your God-given identity.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options: 1. We set limits and risk losing a relationship. This was Wendy’s fear. She was afraid her mother would reject her and she would be isolated and alone. She still needed Mom’s connection to feel secure. 2. We don’t set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another. By not setting limits on her mom, Wendy was a prisoner to her mom’s wishes.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“good parenting isn’t emotionally bludgeoning the child into some clone or ideal of the perfect child. It’s being a partner in helping young ones discover what God intended for them to be and helping them reach that goal.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Marti laughed ruefully at herself. “I’m beginning to see a pattern here. When someone needs four hours with me, I can’t say no. When I need someone for ten minutes, I can’t ask for it. Isn’t there a microchip in my head that I can replace?” Marti’s dilemma is shared by many adults. She says yes to the bad (compliant) and says no to the good (avoidant).”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“•​Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings •​Fear of abandonment and separateness •​A wish to be totally dependent on another •​Fear of someone else’s anger •​Fear of punishment •​Fear of being shamed •​Fear of being seen as bad or selfish •​Fear of being unspiritual •​Fear of one’s overstrict, critical conscience”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“They can’t stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them. Compliants, for example, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends do “just to get along.” They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Many people do not take ownership for how they resist love. They have a lot of love around them but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness. Often they will say, “Others’ love cannot ‘get in.’” This statement negates their responsibility to respond. We maneuver subtly to avoid responsibility in love; we need to claim our hearts as our property and work on our weaknesses in that area. It will open up life to us.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Consequences give some good “barbs” to fences. They let people know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves. This teaches them that our commitment to living according to helpful values is something we hold dear and will fight to protect and guard.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Fear of being alone keeps many in hurtful patterns for years. They are afraid that if they set boundaries, they will not have any love in their lives. When they open themselves up to support from others, however, they find that the abusive persons are not the only source of love in the world”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you should wait until it is safe and until real patterns of change have been demonstrated before you go back.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Many people live scattered and tumultuous lives trying to live outside of their own boundaries, not accepting and expressing the truth of who they are.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Your words let people know where you stand and thus give them a sense of the “edges” that help identify you. “I don’t like it when you yell at me!” gives people a clear message about how you conduct relationships and lets them know the “rules” of your yard.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Victims of physical and sexual abuse often have a poor sense of boundaries. Early in life they were taught that their property did not really begin at their skin. Others could invade their property and do whatever they wanted. As a result, they have difficulty establishing boundaries later in life.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Tyler, on the other hand, came from a different family setting. In his home, no had two different responses. His mom would be hurt and withdraw and pout. She would send guilt messages, such as “How can you say no to your mom who loves you?” His dad would get angry, threaten him, and say things like, “Don’t talk back to me, mister.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

“Many times others have “burdens” that are too big to bear. They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life