Never Split the Difference Quotes

“Smile, and you’re already an improvement. “Hi, Wendy, I’m Ryan. It seems like they were pretty upset.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“And no communication is always a bad sign.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“So I don’t ask. Instead, I say, “In case you’re worried about volunteering to role-play with me in front of the class, I want to tell you in advance … it’s going to be horrible.” After the laughter dies down, I then say, “And those of you who do volunteer will probably get more out of this than anyone else.” I always end up with more volunteers than I need.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“The road is not always cleared so easily, so don’t be demoralized if this process seems to go slowly. The Harlem high-rise negotiation took six hours. Many of us wear fears upon fears, like layers against the cold, so getting to safety takes time.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Remember the amygdala, the part of the brain that generates fear in reaction to threats? Well, the faster we can interrupt the amygdala’s reaction to real or imaginary threats, the faster we can clear the road of obstacles, and the quicker we can generate feelings of safety, well-being, and trust. We do that by labeling the fears. These labels are so powerful because they bathe the fears in sunlight, bleaching them of their power and showing our counterpart that we understand. Think back to that Harlem landing: I didn’t say, “It seems like you want us to let you go.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Here you can pause briefly, letting him recognize and appreciate your attempts to understand what he’s feeling, and then turn the situation around by offering a positive solution. “For us this is a real treat. We want to hear what you have to talk about. We want to value this time with you because we feel left out of your life.” Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts. One”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“It seems like you feel like we don’t pay any attention to you and you only see us once a year, so why should you make time for us?” Notice how that acknowledges the situation and labels his sadness?”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“I knew I needed to call and assuage him to straighten out the situation, or I risked being expelled. Top guys like to feel on top. They don’t want to be disrespected. All the more so when the office they run isn’t a sexy assignment.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“What good negotiators do when labeling is address those underlying emotions. Labeling negatives diffuses them (or defuses them, in extreme cases); labeling positives reinforces them. We’ll come back to the cranky grandfather in a moment. First, though, I want to talk a little bit about anger. As”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“But when they are asked to label the emotion, the activity moves to the areas that govern rational thinking. In other words, labeling an emotion—applying rational words to a fear—disrupts its raw intensity.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“We employed our tactical empathy by recognizing and then verbalizing the predictable emotions of the situation.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“But be warned, a lot of classic deal makers will think your approach is softheaded and weak. Just ask former secretary of state Hillary Clinton. A few years ago during a speech at Georgetown University, Clinton advocated, “showing respect, even for one’s enemies. Trying to understand and, insofar as psychologically possible, empathize with their perspective and point of view.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“And they discovered that people who paid the most attention—good listeners—could actually anticipate what the speaker was about to say before he said it.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“I used my late-night FM DJ voice. I didn’t give orders in my DJ voice, or ask what the fugitives wanted. Instead, I imagined myself in their place. “It”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“empathy is “the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Don’t commit to assumptions; instead, view them as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them rigorously.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“I’ve got a surprise for you—think Oprah Winfrey.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Mirroring will make you feel awkward as heck when you first try it. That’s the only hard part about it; the technique takes a little practice. Once you get the hang of it, though, it’ll become a conversational Swiss Army knife valuable in just about every professional and social setting.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Use the late-night FM DJ voice. Start with “I’m sorry …” Mirror. Silence. At least four seconds, to let the mirror work its magic on your counterpart. Repeat.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“The intention behind most mirrors should be “Please, help me understand.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“If you take a pit bull approach with another pit bull, you generally end up with a messy scene and lots of bruised feelings and resentment. Luckily, there’s another way without all the mess. It’s just four simple steps: 1.​Use the late-night FM DJ voice. 2.​Start with “I’m sorry . . .” 3.​Mirror. 4.​Silence. At least four seconds, to let the mirror work its magic on your counterpart. 5.​Repeat.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“I always try to reinforce the message that being right isn’t the key to a successful negotiation—having the right mindset is.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“for the FBI, a “mirror” is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. Of the entirety of the FBI’s hostage negotiation skill set, mirroring is the closest one gets to a Jedi mind trick. Simple, and yet uncannily effective.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Trust me,” a mirror signals to another’s unconscious, “You and I—we’re alike.” Once you’re attuned to the dynamic, you’ll see it everywhere: couples walking on the street with their steps in perfect synchrony; friends in conversation at a park, both nodding their heads and crossing the legs at about the same time. These people are, in a word, connected.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“when you inflect your voice in a downward way, you put it out there that you’ve got it covered. Talking slowly and clearly you convey one idea: I’m in control. When you inflect in an upward way, you invite a response. Why? Because you’ve brought in a measure of uncertainty. You’ve made a statement sound like a question. You’ve left the door open for the other guy to take the lead, so I was careful here to be quiet, self-assured.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“The key here is to relax and smile while you’re talking. A smile, even while talking on the phone, has an impact tonally that the other person will pick up on.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Most of the time, you should be using the positive/playful voice. It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“like that with the right delivery. There are essentially three voice tones available to negotiators: the late-night FM DJ voice, the positive/playful voice, and the direct or assertive voice.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“focus all their energies on what to say or do, but it’s how we are (our general demeanor and delivery) that is both the easiest thing to enact and the most immediately effective mode of influence.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“abruptly, so my job was to find a way to keep him talking. I switched into my Late-Night FM DJ Voice: deep, soft, slow, and reassuring”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It