Never Split the Difference Quotes

“Before you convince them to see what you’re trying to accomplish, you have to say the things to them that will get them to say, “That’s right.” The “that’s right” breakthrough usually doesn’t come at the beginning of a negotiation. It’s invisible to the counterpart when it occurs, and they embrace what you’ve said. To them, it’s a subtle epiphany.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“As you’ll soon learn, the sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually “That’s right.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Once you understand what a messy, emotional, and destructive dynamic “fairness” can be, you can see why “Fair” is a tremendously powerful word that you need to use with care. In fact, of the three ways that people drop this F-bomb, only one is positive. The most common use is a judo-like defensive move that destabilizes the other side. This manipulation usually takes the form of something like, “We just want what’s fair.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“To make my point on compromise, let me paint you an example: A woman wants her husband to wear black shoes with his suit. But her husband doesn’t want to; he prefers brown shoes. So what do they do? They compromise, they meet halfway. And, you guessed it, he wears one black and one brown shoe. Is this the best outcome? No! In fact, that’s the worst possible outcome. Either of the two other outcomes—black or brown—would be better than the compromise.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“That’s death for a good negotiator, who gains their power by understanding their counterpart’s situation and extracting information about their counterpart’s desires and needs. Extracting that information means getting the other party to feel safe and in control. And while it may sound contradictory, the way to get there is by getting the other party to disagree, to draw their own boundaries, to define their desires as a function of what they do not want.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“If you’re a parent, you already use this technique instinctively. What do you do when your kids won’t leave the house/park/mall? You say, “Fine. I’m leaving,” and you begin to walk away. I’m going to guess that well over half the time they yell, “No, wait!” and run to catch up. No one likes to be abandoned. Now, this may seem like a rude way to address someone in business, but you have to get over that. It’s not rude, and though it’s direct, it’s cloaked with the safety of “No.” Ignoring you is what’s rude. I can tell you that I’ve used this successfully not just in North America, but with people in two different cultures (Arabic and Chinese) famous for never saying “No.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“At a recent sales conference, I asked the participants for the one word they all dread. The entire group yelled, “No!” To them—and to almost everyone—“No” means one thing: end of discussion. But that’s not what it means. “No” is not failure. Used strategically it’s an answer that opens the path forward. Getting to the point where you’re no longer horrified by the word “No” is a liberating moment that every negotiator needs to reach. Because if your biggest fear is “No,” you can’t negotiate. You’re the hostage of “Yes.” You’re handcuffed. You’re done.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Gun for a “Yes” straight off the bat, though, and your counterpart gets defensive, wary, and skittish. That’s why I tell my students that, if you’re trying to sell something, don’t start with “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” Instead ask, “Is now a bad time to talk?” Either you get “Yes, it is a bad time” followed by a good time or a request to go away, or you get “No, it’s not” and total focus.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Nothing could be further from the truth. Saying “No” gives the speaker the feeling of safety, security, and control. You use a question that prompts a “No” answer, and your counterpart feels that by turning you down he has proved that he’s in the driver’s seat. Good negotiators welcome—even invite—a solid “No” to start, as a sign that the other party is engaged and thinking.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“the way to get there is by getting the other party to disagree, to draw their own boundaries, to define their desires as a function of what they do”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“or the lack thereof—also serves as a warning, the canary in the coal mine. If despite all your efforts, the other party won’t say “No,” you’re dealing with people who are indecisive or confused or who have a hidden agenda. In cases like that you have to end the negotiation and walk away. Think of it like this: No “No” means no go.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“One great way to do this is to mislabel one of the other party’s emotions or desires. You say something that you know is totally wrong, like “So it seems that you really are eager to leave your job” when they clearly want to stay. That forces them to listen and makes them comfortable correcting you by saying, “No, that’s not it. This is it.” Another way to force “No” in a negotiation is to ask the other party what they don’t want. “Let’s talk about what you would say ‘No’ to,” you’d say. And people are comfortable saying “No” here because it feels like self-protection. And once you’ve gotten them to say “No,” people are much more open to moving forward toward new options and ideas. “No”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“There is a big difference between making your counterpart feel that they can say “No” and actually getting them to say it. Sometimes, if you’re talking to somebody who is just not listening, the only way you can crack their cranium is to antagonize them into “No.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“No” allows the real issues to be brought forth; “No” protects people from making—and lets them correct—ineffective decisions; “No” slows things down so that people can freely embrace their decisions and the agreements they enter into; “No” helps people feel safe, secure, emotionally comfortable, and in control of their decisions; “No” moves everyone’s efforts forward.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“nudged her supervisor into a zone where he was making the decisions. And then she furthered his feelings of safety and power with a question inviting him to define her next move. The important thing here is that Marti not only accepted the “No”; she searched it out and embraced it. At”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“That’s why I tell my students that, if you’re trying to sell something, don’t start with “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” Instead ask, “Is now a bad time to talk?” Either you get “Yes, it is a bad time” followed by a good time or a request to go away, or you get “No, it’s not” and total focus.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Good negotiators welcome—even invite—a solid “No” to start, as a sign that the other party is engaged and thinking.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Instead of getting inside with logic or feigned smiles, then, we get there by asking for “No.” It’s the word that gives the speaker feelings of safety and control. “No” starts conversations and creates safe havens to get to the final “Yes” of commitment. An early “Yes” is often just a cheap, counterfeit dodge.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Daryl may not have known it, but his “yes” was as counterfeit as they came.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“That’s one of the signs, because they should be congratulating themselves when they get off the line,” he said. “They don’t need to be congratulating you. That tells me you did too much. If they think you did it—if you were the guy who killed it—how is he going to help himself? I don’t want to be harsh, but you were horrible.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Human beings the world over are so used to being pursued for the commitment “yes” as a condition to find out more that they have become masters at giving the counterfeit “yes.” That’s what the people facing Joe Businessman are doing, dangling the counterfeit “yes” so they can hear more. Whether you call it “buy-in” or “engagement” or something else, good negotiators know that their job isn’t to put on a great performance but to gently guide their counterpart to discover their goal as his own.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“I’ll let you in on a secret. There are actually three kinds of “Yes”: Counterfeit, Confirmation, and Commitment.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Then, after pausing, ask solution-based questions or simply label their effect: “What about this doesn’t work for you?” “What would you need to make it work?” “It seems like there’s something here that bothers you.” People have a need to say, “No.” So don’t just hope to hear it at some point; get them to say it early.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“to say “No” from the outset of a negotiation. He calls it “the right to veto.” He observes that people will fight to the death to preserve their right to say “No,” so give them that right and the negotiating environment becomes more constructive and collaborative almost immediately.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“No” is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it. We’ve been conditioned to fear the word “No.” But it is a statement of perception far more often than of fact. It seldom means, “I have considered all the facts and made a rational choice.” Instead, “No” is often a decision, frequently temporary, to maintain the status quo. Change is scary, and “No” provides a little protection from that scariness.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“At first, I thought that sort of automated response signaled a failure of imagination. But then I realized I did the same thing with my teenage son, and that after I’d said “No” to him, I often found that I was open to hearing what he had to say.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Compromise and concession, even to the truth, feels like defeat. And “No,” well, “No” feels like salvation, like an oasis. You’re tempted to use “No” when it’s blatantly untrue, just to hear”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Imagine yourself in your counterpart’s situation. The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas (you may well find them crazy). But by acknowledging the other person’s situation, you immediately convey that you are listening. And once they know that you are listening, they may tell you something that you can use. The reasons why a counterpart will not make an agreement with you are often more powerful than why they will make a deal, so focus first on clearing the barriers to agreement. Denying barriers or negative influences gives them credence; get them into the open. Pause. After you label a barrier or mirror a statement, let it sink in. Don’t worry, the other party will fill the silence. Label your counterpart’s fears to diffuse their power. We all want to talk about the happy stuff, but remember, the faster you interrupt action in your counterpart’s amygdala, the part of the brain that generates fear, the faster you can generate feelings of safety, well-being, and trust. List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can. Performing an accusation audit in advance prepares you to head off negative dynamics before they take root. And because these accusations often sound exaggerated when said aloud, speaking them will encourage the other person to claim that quite the opposite is true. Remember you’re dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood. So use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions and dynamics.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“As you try to insert the tools of tactical empathy into your daily life, I encourage you to think of them as extensions of natural human interactions and not artificial conversational tics.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“GET A SEAT—AND AN UPGRADE—ON A SOLD-OUT FLIGHT”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It