Black Comedy Quotes

“Social media is basically standing at a bucket filled with other people’s vomit and you suck the vomit through a straw, and gag and wince at the unbearable taste of other people’s vomit. Yet strangely we continue to suck through the straw as if we’ve never tasted such lovely vomit. And then before you know it you’re old and you’re grey. And that’s the end of you. A lonely death. Your gravestone is marked with the six saddest words:

Social Media Drained My Soul Away

And they all mourn your loss at a budget funeral service while updating their social media statuses on mobile phones apps. And in years to come nobody remembers any of your updates; even those updates that you deep-down believed were going to bring about world peace. The Digital Age is more disposable than nappies and just as full of shit.”
― Rupert Dreyfus, The Rebel's Sketchbook

“پيشنهادى دارم كه تا به حال به چندين نفر داده ام و نپذيرفته اند و زيان كرده اند: مرا، در نخستين فرصتى كه به دست مى آوريد بكشيد آقاى جرجانى؛ چرا كه اگر كوتاهى كنيد، در نخستين فرصتى كه به دست بياورم شما را خواهم كشت.”
― نادر ابراهیمی, واقعیتهای پرخون

“[On Dr. Strangelove]: My idea of doing it as a nightmare comedy came in the early weeks of working on the screenplay. [...] What could be more absurd than the very idea of two mega powers willing to wipe out all human life because of an accident, spiced up by political differences that will seem as meaningless to people a hundred years from now as the theological conflicts of the Middle Ages appear to us today?”
― Stanley Kubrick

“Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do? My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape.”
― Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho

“Don't get mad, get everything. :-) Ivana Trump”
― Ján Bryndza, Bitch Hollywood

“...Mrs. Percy understood that staying beautiful all day long is the most important aspect of being married...”
― Tevin Hansen, Mummy Mouse

“There's no such thing as a limit on being the best. You can always go for more. That's what it means to be human. No... That's what it means to be me. - Claire Stanfield”
― Ryohgo Narita

“His name is Daniel Esperanza. He’s about thirty years old, has a degree in performing arts, and within just a few hours of working at the radio station, he was already lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood.”
― Kel Byron, A Lonely Broadcast: Book One

“Evelyn always looked like she was about ready to die at any moment. I’m not saying she was bad-looking, mind you. She was cute in an unkempt sort of way, with long red hair and freckles all over. But she also had this sickly pallor and big, sunken eyes that reminded me of a fading Victorian child getting ready to meet her ancestors in the next life. Right now, still littered with bruises and scrapes from the prior day’s shenanigans, she looked sorrier than ever.”
― Kel Byron, A Lonely Broadcast: Book One

“لم أكتفِ بعد من الضحك علي الحماقة البشرية”
― Sándor Márai, Casanova in Bolzano

“This was how she did things. This was how we both did things. If we were scared or uncomfortable, we had to laugh about it or else we’d go mad.”
― Kel Byron, A Lonely Broadcast: Book One

“On the day the park opened, half the state must have turned up. California weddings that June were small in attendance, the bride, groom, and guests quitting the ceremony for their cars after the second "I do"; especially hasty couples did away with the festivities altogether and simply took their vows en route to the park.”
― Pam Jones, The Biggest Little Bird

“Her occupation was the worst that anyone could think of. No guest in the park had to think of it because, unlike the wandering dwarf women, her job had no bearing on paper.”
― Pam Jones, The Biggest Little Bird

“I was so drunk I couldn't tell a vagina from a bullet hole”
― Andrés Aloi, Black Wolf

“The colonel stood up. “I hope you enjoy your trip to Uruguay. Its government is stable, democratic, and politically mature. There’s even a welfare state. Of course, the people are entirely European in origin. I believe they exterminated all the Indians. As a German, you should feel very much at home there.”
― Philip Kerr, A Quiet Flame

“Why is panic in the stock market newsworthy? That's all they ever do! It must be easy to get hired as a stockbroker: 'Show me your panic face! You're hired!!”
― Stewart Stafford

“But that was the war for you. It was inconvenient, senseless, and it had placed Maurice Mickelwhite directly in the path of two thousand German bombers.”
― Miles Watson, The Numbers Game

“Bloke was a savage. On the pitch and in the sky. But his savagery wouldn't save him. He had flown too many missions and the numbers would catch up with him soon. They always did.”
― Miles Watson, The Numbers Game

“No one dies listening to Enrique Iglesias”
― Chris Atkin

“Tym zmarłym po śmierci rosły brody i paznokcie tak długie, że poprzebijały ziemię i zarosły całe miasto i ludzie się w tych brodach plątali, i już nie było wiadomo, do czego to będzie prowadzić; ale przyszedł szewczyk Skuba, zabił smoka, pojął za żonę królewnę, a potem zrobił porządek z brodami oraz obóz koncentracyjny dla opornych.”
― Zdzisław Beksiński, Zdzisław Beksiński. Opowiadania

“Still lying there, I turned to see Mary, holding some expensive pots and pans, walk out of the front door without looking back. I wished her all the best in the world, every good thing.”
― Kevin Wilson

“And you do choose these things. You choose to make yourself feel like an absolute fucking spineless, easily led pile of shit with a steaming hangover tomorrow morning. Maybe even tomorrow evening. The night is young, and I have so much cocaine in my bra.”
― Eliza Clark

“The Zombie Firetruck by Stewart Stafford

Sirens moan, grave duty's flash of red,
A mortuary whiff of something dead,
Hoses trained with brains they suck,
Your friendly neighbourhood zombie firetruck!

All that remained of the human fire team,
From the zombie pandemic of 2017,
Still in their uniforms, their only treasures,
Apocalyptic times call for end-time measures.

When they reached the fire, people did scoff,
They lurched, staggered, body parts fell off,
As they wandered around, fire hoses forlorn,
These knightly living dead faced a blazing dawn.

The chief, hat off to his skeleton crew,
In a voice once alive, now croaky like flu:
'To the hydrant, my ghouls, let's save Gothik Town,
Or they'll call Ghostbusters, we'll be the clowns!'

A glowering inferno, a cremation scene,
Zombie firefighters, brave and light green.
Through smoke and ash, they gravely stand,
Composed decomposition with skeletal hand.

Axeman Bony Ed led their clattering charge,
Into the smoke, his cadavers did barge,
The townsfolk looked on in dead of night,
And disbelief, tiredness and mild fright.

There soon followed medic Cemetery Phil,
Decaying Murphy, Old Salty, and Dead Drill,
Slab Stevens, Madly Hyde and Molly Voodoo,
Determined to shake their initial hoodoo.

A mother and baby backed by burning drapes,
Team Macabre charged up the fire escape,
Saving both and getting everyone out,
Drank Brainer Ade as they leaked like a spout.

Somehow, undead teamwork saved the day,
No lives were lost as the water sprayed,
Doused the flames, cool flatlined heroes,
Much zombie kudos, no longer scary zeroes.

The crowd cheered, did they ever doubt it?
High fives lost hands but new ones sprouted,
Frankenstein proud in their flapping flesh,
Sure to get medals at the HalloweenFest.

With a final groan and a clatter of bones,
The zombie firetruck headed back home.
Rotten yet proud, in their reanimated way,
The risen would fight fires another day.

© 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“The Penultimate Hotel by Stewart Stafford

Enter sluggishly into the lobby,
A banquet is in progress in the restaurant,
They’re regurgitating reality from within,
And then eating their young.

An apocalyptic porter has radioactive cubes in the lift,
Housekeeping will have ten thousand years of light,
But the sheets in the rooms,
Will all turn to cream cheese.

The cooks in the kitchen are breaking bones and rules,
Creating a cake that stretches to infinity,
Babel babble with protesting eggs,
All baked in a hellfire oven.

The concierge gives out tips,
And tells guests they are awful and to leave,
While simultaneously tattooing diabolical potion recipes,
Inside a willing bellhop’s eyelids.

© 2021, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“

During the first month the Comedy Act Theatre was open, Damon Wayans and Robert Townsend came in together. Club emcee, Robin Harris brought Damon onstage to do a set, and Damon made the mistake of dissing Harris in his own house, asking the audience, “Doesn’t that guy look like a black, ugly Eddie Murphy?” Harris heard the comment and returned to the stage.

“They played ‘the Dozens’ and Robin destroyed Damon,” says club owner, Michael Williams. “Damon just stepped into something he couldn’t get out of. By the time Robin was finished with him, he was dumbfounded. He didn’t know what to do but stand there, hold the mic, and listen.”

”
― David Peisner, Homey Don't Play That!: The Story of In Living Color and the Black Comedy Revolution

“Eddie Murphy: Raw (1987) was released in theaters — unheard of for a standup concert film — and grossed over $50M. Behind the scenes there was some grumbling over Keenen’s credits as both a writer and producer. Murphy's then-manager, Richie Tienken, insists Keenen’s work on Raw was negligible.

“Eddie was working on his routine and was having a problem with a line,” says Tienken. “He talked to Keenen about it and Keenen basically said, ‘Well, why don’t you say it this way?’ And it worked. I said to Eddie, ‘That was really nice of Keenen to help you with that.’ And he said, ‘Yeah, he asked me for a co-writing credit.’ I was like, ‘What? It was one fucking line. This guy’s your friend.’ ” Tienken points out that comedians are always helping each other out with bits. He’s worked with comics such as Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Reiser, and Ray Romano. “They all helped each other. They didn’t ask for anything. I think I even went to Keenen and said, ‘You’ve got some pair of fucking balls asking him for that.’ ”

Chris Rock, who was just getting to know Eddie and Keenen around this time, recalled watching Eddie prepare for the shows on his Raw tour, batting around material with friends. Occasionally, Rock and others might help “tag” a joke. “I might have got a line in,” Rock told Marc Maron during a 2011 interview, referring to Raw. “That’s what friends are for, for tags. It’s only when they’re not your friends when they go, ‘I should get a writing credit for that tag.’ ”

Eddie and Keenen had a falling-out over all this, and one person close to the situation at the time says Arsenio Hall called Keenen afterward and said something to the effect of “You’re out and I’m in.” For his part, though, Eddie never publicly complained about Keenen’s contributions — or lack thereof — to Raw.”
― David Peisner, Homey Don't Play That!: The Story of In Living Color and the Black Comedy Revolution