Connie R. Clay's Blog, page 9

Fired, Part 2

In August 2001, I was fired. I had been at the job for two months, and I was miserable. But, I was the single mother of two children, and I had a new home under construction. I couldn’t quit. After learning that my services were no longer required, I told the executive director that I would need time to prepare detailed notes for all of my cases so that the next attorney would know where to begin. For the next hour, I told myself not to cry. I tried to focus on leaving my workload in good condition. Once I completed my final tasks and headed to the parking lot, I felt tremendous relief. I no longer needed to cry. I had no idea what I would do about finding a job.

For the next few days, I took the children to school as usual. When I returned home, I spent time with God and asked Him what to do. I felt in my spirit that it was time to open my own practice. Although I had dabbled in home-based businesses, I had never relied on self-employment for my primary income. The more I prayed and listened for God’s guidance, the more convinced I was that it was time to start my practice. Less than a week after I was fired, I had signed a lease for office space to open a one-woman law practice. Between savings and credit cards, my family managed until the business started turning a profit after four months. Within 12 months, I had matched the salary I was earning when I was fired.

My being fired was the best thing that has ever happened to me on a professional level. I had to trust God, and I had to trust myself. I never would have had the courage to quit a job and open a law practice. But faced with the possibility of months of unemployment, it was easy to put my confidence in God and to believe in myself.

That period, and the years of owning that business taught me many lessons:

1. Even if I make a mistake, God is with me;

2. The Lord allows the most negative of events to work out for my good;

3. Being fired is ending a relationship that isn’t working; once you look at it through that lens, it’s just not that bad;

Have you ever been fired? What did you learn about yourself?

Fired, Part 2In August 2001, I was fired. I had been ...

Fired, Part 2

In August 2001, I was fired. I had been at the job for two months, and I was miserable. But, I was the single mother of two children, and I had a new home under construction. I couldn’t quit. After learning that my services were no longer required, I told the executive director that I would need time to prepare detailed notes for all of my cases so that the next attorney would know where to begin. For the next hour, I told myself not to cry. I tried to focus on leaving my workload in good condition. Once I completed my final tasks and headed to the parking lot, I felt tremendous relief. I no longer needed to cry. I had no idea what I would do about finding a job.

For the next few days, I took the children to school as usual. When I returned home, I spent time with God and asked Him what to do. I felt in my spirit that it was time to open my own practice. Although I had dabbled in home-based businesses, I had never relied on self-employment for my primary income. The more I prayed and listened for God’s guidance, the more convinced I was that it was time to start my practice. Less than a week after I was fired, I had signed a lease for office space to open a one-woman law practice. Between savings and credit cards, my family managed until the business started turning a profit after four months. Within 12 months, I had matched the salary I was earning when I was fired.

My being fired was the best thing that has ever happened to me on a professional level. I had to trust God, and I had to trust myself. I never would have had the courage to quit a job and open a law practice. But faced with the possibility of months of unemployment, it was easy to put my confidence in God and to believe in myself.

That period, and the years of owning that business taught me many lessons:

1. Even if I make a mistake, God is with me;

2. The Lord allows the most negative of events to work out for my good;

3. Being fired is ending a relationship that isn’t working; once you look at it through that lens, it’s just not that bad;

Have you ever been fired? What did you learn about yourself?

Fired, Part 1

Although I’ve been fired a few times, I’ve actually given the ax more often than I’ve gotten it. It never gets easier. When I was a 23-year-old single mother, I arrived at my babysitter’s home and found it surrounded by fire engines! The sitter’s sister had been smoking in the house and had started a fire. My baby daughter and all the other children made it out safely. Finding childcare had been difficult. Money was tight, and I needed a childcare provider who lived nearby since I relied on taxis, public transportation and lots of walking. Even though I didn’t know the Lord at that point in my life, He knew me, and He was looking out for me. I had met and befriended the wives of two grad students. These ladies had small children at home and were happy to make a few hundred dollars a month taking care of one more. When I called the babysitter to tell her that I was not coming back, she called me a “fat snob.” That was the first time I ever fired anyone and definitely one of the most memorable.

I hired a business coach/consultant a few months ago. I’ve known for a few weeks that this coach would not be going to the finish line with me. Although she had expert knowledge of the type of business that I am starting, she didn’t care about my audience and didn’t really care about me. I knew the caliber of work that she could deliver. I saw what she was doing with and for her other coaching clients. I don’t even know if her underperformance with me was deliberate, but I knew I had to dismiss her from my team. I asked her if I could transfer into a program that did not involve individual coaching with her. During our discussion over email, she asked why I wanted to change into a different program. I diplomatically told her that I didn’t feel that she brought her A game to our coaching relationship. In a rant that spread over two days, she told me that she didn’t like working with people like me anyway, and that I had taken a spot in her program that someone else could have used. Her protracted tirade confirmed that I had made the right decision in discharging her.

I’ve lost count of how many assistants I fired while I was in private practice. I remember one assistant who told me I could take the job and shove it. One assistant, we’ll call her Kay, was invested in my business. I often overhead her telling prospective clients what an excellent job I did. She loved me, and I loved her. She had done paralegal work for decades and was brilliant at drafting petitions and orders. The problem with Kay is that she could not keep up with the administrative side of my practice. I had to let her go. She told me that she was always available to help me. For years after I fired her, she would come in and assist me whenever I asked. I also referred her to a friend who was between assistants, and she was able to help out at that office. Kay was in financial straits when I fired her, but she maintained her composure and behaved in a professional manner.

There is a way to leave when you’ve been discharged. My elders always told me that you never know whose hands you’re going to fall into. That applies to personal and business relationships. From these examples, I’ve learned how to react to being fired:

1. Listen to the employer’s reason for discharging you;

2. Get training or coaching to correct your deficiencies;

3. Keep the lines of communication open, if practical;

4. Thank the employer for giving you an opportunity;

5. If the employer requests your feedback, keep it professional.

Although the employer might not consider rehiring you, he or she may recommend you for a different position or at least offer positive comments about you. For Christ followers, how you conduct yourself during these exchanges says much about your spiritual maturity.

My Good Government Job

“I hate this job.” I received this instant message from a new co-worker. I told her that I didn’t like the work either, but I appreciated the pay and benefits. I reminded her that we could sit around and get paid to do nothing on 13 federal holidays. Of the co-workers with whom I regularly associate, none of them likes the work or the atmosphere. So why are we still there? Many of us have worked harder in private industry and made more money. Most of us have children, mortgages, car payments and arthritic knees. So, we do the monotonous work and tolerate the disrespect from those who are at a higher pay grade.

But I’m a little different from most of my coworkers. While I’m appreciative of my good government job, I have an exit strategy.

Between my commute, the time I spend getting ready and my actual work hours, I invest 60 hours a week in my job. When I look at those numbers, resolving to stay for 20 years is not an option. Here is how I have systematically created the perfect job:

1. I decided how I want to live. I want to travel, do volunteer work, read, and garden. I need a job that allows me to work four days a week with generous time off for the desires of my heart.

2. I considered what I would do for free. I’ve loved writing and speaking since I was in high school.

3. I found individuals who were doing what I want to do, and I obtained information from them in the form of books, conferences and webinars.

4. I used nights, weekends and those paid holidays to create a business that would serve my needs.

5. I decided to be patient. No, I’m not quite ready to resign from my good government job, but I’m closer now than I was a year ago.

Whether you have a good government job or a good corporate job that you dislike, you can begin today to create meaningful work that you will love doing. You’re not too old or too uneducated. You have to decide that you’re willing to invest the time and energy into creating a position that you will want to get up and do every day.

Life Lessons

There is so much to say when a child leaves home.  As a parent, you hope that you have modeled high standards for the past 18 years.  Here are the lessons that I shared with my daughter before she left for college.

1. Save 10% of your take home income. It’s much easier to establish this habit when you’re bringing home $200 a week.

2. Treat your body like an irreplaceable, expensive machine. Just remember to give it 7. 7 hours of sleep a night, 7 glasses of water a day, 7 fruits and veggies a day, 7 hours of exercise every two weeks.

3. Choose your friends carefully. You become the people you spend time with. If you don’t want to be a broke, underachiever, don’t hang around people who are.

4. Do more than you’re expected or paid to do. If you’re expected to make 15 prospecting calls a day, make 18. If you’re expected to produce five reports a week, produce six.

5. Rest and play. Take one day off a week. Use this day for worship, rest and play. If you can’t get your work done in six days, you can’t get it done in seven.

6. Pay attention to what people do. If the talk and the walk don’t match, believe the walk.

7. Follow Christ. Read the Word. Fellowship with other believers.

What would you add to this list?

Friends

 

How do you make friends in the 21st century? Can you have over 1,000 friends?

Many of us live hundreds or thousands of miles away from our hometowns. As we change, people who used to be close friends have dropped from our lives. So, how do you make friends? The answer is not so simple because it depends on how you define the word “friend” and what you want from a friendship. Consider these questions:

1. What does the word “friend” mean to you? Is it someone of the same sex? Does the person need to live near by? Does he or she need to be of the same religious, social or economic background? We tend to like people who are like us.

2. What do you want from a friendship? Do you want someone to chat with a few times a week or a few times a year? Do you want someone who is a great sounding board or someone who is always available when you want to go to a movie or out to dinner?

For me, a friend is someone I trust with my business. I have hundreds of acquaintances, but very few friends, as I define the term. As I design how I intend to live the next few decades, I want to add friends to my life. Often times when an acquaintance invites me to lunch, she wants me to be her customer, not her friend. These engagements are a disappointment but a learning experience and an opportunity to clearly define what I want in a friend. Honesty is first. If I want to meet with someone to tell her about a business opportunity, I’ll let her know that and she can decide in advance if she wants to be bothered. If I just want to enjoy her company, I’ll invite her to lunch with no hidden agenda.

To add friends at mid life takes considerable effort. Many people have solid social circles and don’t want or need additional friends. Most people are busy with work, family and church or volunteer work. So where do you begin?

1. Start where you are. Who is always at the early morning yoga class? You already have two things in common, a commitment to fitness and the desire to get it done first thing. Try out a ministry at your church without committing to join. Go to a few events and meetings and get to know the other members.

2. As you meet new people, make your intentions clear. You could say, “hey, I’m trying to add another single mom to my circle, would you like to meet at the park for a walk?”

3. Be patient. Whether a good friend is in your life for a year or 50 years, you often have to wait until the new friend has space for a relationship. Whenever we add things or people to our lives, we have to remove something. If that nice soprano in the choir becomes your friend, she has to consciously or unconsciously give up something to add you to her life.

4. Return to your roots. What did you love doing as a kid? If you enjoyed scouting, consider becoming an adult volunteer for a scouting program. Do you love animals? Pet shelters always need an extra pair of hands, and you will meet others with similar interests.

These are my thoughts on making new friends. What are yours? How did you make friends when you relocated or had a major life change?

What’s Important Now?

What’s Important Now?

I just finished listening to Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown for the second time. In addition to learning great strategies for decluttering my mental and physical space, I also used the information to reframe my thoughts on the past. I’ve spent most of my adult life caring for children and or elders while attending school or working full time and managing a household. During those years, my focus was on earning money, caregiving and managing from day to day. For too long, I regretted that I didn’t become more active in the community or pursue friendships with other women while I was actively parenting and caregiving. Now, I’ve reevaluated that period from the perspective of an essentialist. I did what was important. My children had everything they needed and many luxuries. My elders received the support and medical care in their final days, and the lights and water were never disconnected. Sure, it would have been nice to have had girlfriends over a few times a month, but the important matters were handled.

There will always be many things that we need to get done, but most of them are not important or essential. Here are some tips for identifying what’s important now.

1. Will it matter in five years? Are you thinking about declining dinner with your coworkers so that you can get home early on Friday night? Your presence at home will matter to your family, but will your coworkers care in five years that you skipped hanging out with them?

2. Who needs you? Do you have a neighbor who needs your wise counsel? What about the church friend who could use some help with her children? Does your club need another body at the volunteer event, or could you help someone in a private manner?

3. How will you feel later? Taking care of elders is mentally and physically exhausting. They will talk about you too! But, once they are gone, you will be so glad that you made the sacrifice to help them. Ask yourself how you will feel later when you choose to make or refuse to make significant time commitments.

4. What’s the highest and best use of your time? Sometimes, we must choose between two great options. Yesterday, I had the killer to-do list. Before I could check off the first item, my daughter came home with a little lost dog. We went to a vet and had the dog’s microchip scanned, contacted her owner, went to the grocery store to get her food, and arranged to return her to her family. So long to-do list. Days like that happen. Yep, everything on my list was important, but for those few hours, getting the dog reunited with her owner was the best use of my time. The best use of your time might be working overtime a few Saturdays if you’re funding a new business. If you’re working 10-12 hours a day, five days a week, the best use of your time could be resting on Saturday.

Our time on this earth is short. There are so many good opportunities. If we try to take advantage of all the good options, we will miss the great ones. Often the great moments are simply doing the next best thing. Helping the child with homework. Learning all you can about a loved one’s illness. Taking a day off to rest and recharge. What’s important in your life right now?

Lessons from an Absent Dad

 

My father was absent for most of my childhood. He refused to escort me to my debutante ball, and he did not come to my high school graduation. He lived 30 minutes away. For several decades, I felt like his afterthought. I forgave him, but I resented his absence when I needed him the most. Several years ago, I decided that I would focus on the things my father did well. When I traveled from Florida to Virginia for visits, my father often met me at the airport. I can still see his Lincoln Continental parked curb side at the Norfolk airport. Since my father’s death two years ago, I’ve had the opportunity to examine his life and our relationship. Despite his shortcomings, I learned several things from my father:

1. It’s never too late to do the right thing. Although my father was absent during much of my childhood, he was present for many of the major events in my adult life. He helped me move from Virginia to Florida, and he returned to Florida a few months later to support me during one of my first jury trials. When I left my husband, my father called me every single day to make sure that I was okay mentally and to ensure that I was safe.

2. Own your position. During the last years of his life, my father would end our conversations with, “Connie Renee, I’m still your father.” That meant that he was present. The past was the past, but he affirmed our current relationship.

3. Focus on the present. Although we didn’t know each other that well when I was a child, as an adult, I learned that we both enjoyed gardening. When we spoke the last years of his life, he would ask me what I had planted, and he would tell me how well or how poorly things were growing in his garden.

4. Manage how you will be remembered. At some point, my father decided that he did not want to be remembered as an absent parent. He decided that he wanted to be remembered as loving, involved and protective.

My father passed the baton to me in March 2013. Fretting about his failures is too heavy a burden. Instead, when I water my peach tree and my blackberry bush, I think of the fact that he would be proud of me. When I sit at the desk in my home office, I glance at the picture of my father at my daughter’s high school graduation.

No parent is perfect. Every family has some level of dysfunction. I’m grateful that my father made the effort to give me happy memories and good lessons.

3 Reasons Why You Can’t Achieve Your Goals

 

Most of us have lofty goals at the beginning of the year, but sometimes we give up by June. There are a few reasons why accomplishing goals can be especially tough.

1. You have too many. Whittle your goals down to three. From the three, choose the one that will have the greatest impact on your life, and focus on accomplishing that goal.

2. You haven’t made your goal a priority. What gets scheduled gets done. If your goal is to exercise five days a week, get your calendar out and schedule your workouts. If your goal is to drink seven glasses of water a day, set a timer on your phone for every two hours. When the timer goes off, go chug that glass of water. Execution is easier and more likely to occur if you schedule the tasks in advance.

3. Your goal is not SMART. Making a goal SMART will greatly increase your chances of achieving it.

S-Specific-Telling yourself that you’re going to “eat better” is too general. Setting a goal of eating five veggies a day is specific.

M-Measurable-Anyone should be able to easily measure your progress. Deciding to “save some money” is not measurable. Stating that you will save $100 every payday is something that is easily measured. Either you did or you didn’t.

A-Attainable-Your goals should require you to work and stretch, but they should also be attainable. I’m under 5’tall, so a goal to play in the NBA would not be attainable for me. However, joining a baby boomers’ sports league would be an attainable goal.

R-Relevant-Your goals should be relevant to your life. If the women in your office are all training to run a half marathon, but you’re content to exercise in your family room with DVDs, the half marathon training goals are not relevant to you at this point. Choose another wellness goal that interests you. The thought of completing your goal should make you feel accomplished and happy.

T-Time Bound-You must give yourself a realistic deadline. If you want to earn a degree or a certificate, assess what needs to be done and set a deadline. It should be an aggressive deadline, but something that you can do if you push yourself. It’s a thrill to finish a goal before your deadline, but it’s okay to adjust the deadline to give yourself more time. Life happens.

Consider your goals in light of what you just read. Which one is the most important? What can you schedule right now to get you closer to achieving your life altering goal? Make the goal SMART! Implement these changes, and you will see progress.

5 Things to Consider before You Take the New Job

Sometimes we’re so bored or undervalued at work that we jump at the first opportunity for a change. If we’re not careful, we could end up worse off. Here are some things to consider before changing jobs.

1. Your spiritual life. Will the new position require you to compromise your Christian values? Will your new boss expect you to lie or hide information? When you’re considering the new position, listen for the still small voice. Spend quiet time with the Lord and ask Him what you should do. Discuss the position with a brother or sister in the Way. Fear always accompanies change, but if something just doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts.

2. Your physical and mental well-being. Will the new position require you to work longer hours? Will you need to be at work before it’s light outside? How much added stress is involved? Will you have time to exercise and prepare healthy meals? Will you be expected to each lunch and or dinner with colleagues and superiors? Look at the people currently in the position. Do they appear to be physically and mentally healthy? Are these people that you want to spend most of your waking hours with?

3. Your family. Will you be forced to spend more time away from your friends and loved ones? Will you have less energy for your responsibilities at home?

4. Money. Consider how much the new employer will contribute towards your health insurance and your retirement. Force yourself to work through the dollars with a calculator, so that you can see how much money you’re really gaining. If it’s a $5,000 raise, but you have to work an extra 10-12 hours a week, consider the profit and the cost of the new job.

5. Why? Are you taking the job to prove a point? Is it too easy to pass up? If the new position isn’t something you really want, maybe you should leave it for someone else. Is the new job in line with your employment goals? Low hanging fruit can rot once it’s picked!

Once you’ve considered these five things and counted all the costs, you’re ready to make a decision.