Connie R. Clay's Blog, page 3

Make Next Year Your Best Year

Imagine that it is December 31st of next year. You are really proud of yourself because you finally did it! After years of trying or talking about trying, you finally accomplished an important goal. How will that feel? Can you see yourself victorious?

With a few weeks left in this year, now is the time to get ready for next year. Success does not just happen. You have to plan. Here’s how to use the next few weeks to get ready for the 52 weeks ahead.

1. Assess this year. What did you plan to accomplish? What went well? What didn’t go so well? What needs to change? One of my goals for 2017 was to declutter my home. I thought the project would take three months. It took me 10 months. I enjoyed moving unloved stuff out of my space, and it was easy for me to spend at least 15 minutes a day on it. Because I was consistent, there was continuous progress, and I finished. What habits do you need to continue?

2. Address the incompletions. Is there a book lying around that you “should” read, but you can’t get into it? Do you have all the equipment for an organic garden that you never started? All these little incomplete projects rent space for free in your head. Kick them out. Either complete the projects or decide you’re not going to complete them. Earlier this year, I gave away most of my lawn equipment. I don’t rake leaves, trim hedges or push a wheelbarrow. Every time I gave away something I didn’t use, a little bit of weight lifted off me. Having several unfinished projects makes it harder to focus your attention on what’s important.

3. Choose three goals for next year. We tend to overestimate what we can accomplish in one year. If you accomplish your three goals before the end of the year, you can always add new ones. By limiting yourself to three goals, you will be able to focus your time, energy and resources on what is really important to you.

4. Give next year a name or a theme. I have one huge goal for next year. I’ve decided to name my year, “La Piece de Resistance.” It’s a French term that means masterpiece or main thing. That’s a huge theme for me to live up to. When I get off track, my theme will remind me that I made a big promise to myself. Although I didn’t plan it, this year was my year of editing. Not only did I declutter my home, but I ended toxic relationships, and I streamlined my morning routine from two hours to one hour (ish). Choose a name or a theme that you like, but that will also motivate you when the excitement of starting is over and you can’t see the finish line.

5. Gather your resources. What will you need to be successful next year? Do you need to do research? Do you need a coach or a mentor? Now is a good time to find what you need for next year. You will need to invest time and maybe money in accomplishing any goal. A few weeks ago, I ordered a $60 life and business planner. I haven’t spent that much money on a calendar in several years. It arrived the other day. It is everything I could ever want in a planner. It is brightly colored. Encouraging scriptures are on just about every page. There is a two-year planner, a monthly view, a weekly view and lined spaces for appointments and to-do lists. When I look at this perfect calendar, I know that I must justify the investment by having a successful year.

6. Grab the low-hanging fruit. One of the easiest things that you can do is to visualize success. If your goal is to write a book, imagine yourself autographing copies. Whatever your goal is take a few minutes a day and create success in your mind. Also, practice affirmations. Call yourself what you want to be. Say out loud, “I am a writer.” “I am a wife.” “I am a physician.” “I am a successful entrepreneur.” Use your mind and your mouth to accelerate your progress.

7. Plan your rewards. For each of your goals, plan a big reward that you will give yourself when you accomplish your goal. But also plan incremental rewards. If you’re writing a book, give yourself a small reward after you complete each chapter. Just make sure your reward is consistent with your goal. If your goal is to exercise four days a week, you could reward yourself with new workout attire once you’ve exercised four days a week for a month. What’s important is that you plan the rewards in advance and that you follow through and reward yourself.

No excuses! Get started now so that next year will be your best year ever.

3 Reasons to Get a Mentor

Thurgood Marshall had Charles Hamilton Houston. Alexander Hamilton had George Washington. Oprah had Maya Angelou. First Black Supreme Court Justice, first Secretary of the Treasury, and billionaire business woman and philanthropist. These extraordinary people all had mentors. You should have one too. Here’s why:

1. A mentor is a valuable sounding board. Planning to fire off a letter, check with your mentor. Thinking about taking a promotion that will require you to move several hundred miles from friends and family? Discuss the pros and cons with your mentor.

2. A mentor can save you time and money. A mentor has endured and conquered the problems you’re facing. He or she can tell you what you should do in a particular situation. That insight could save you thousands of dollars or hundreds of hours trying to figure it out for yourself.

3. A mentor can help you advance professionally and personally. With some mentoring relationships, your mentor will become acutely aware of your strengths and talents. When he or she learns of a great position that would be a great fit for you, who do you think she’s going to call? A mentor will also help you identify blind spots in several areas of your life. A mentor who is helping you start a business might ask you why she receives emails from you on Saturdays and Sundays when you should be resting and spending time with your family.

So how do you get a mentor? It’s easier than you think.

1. Find someone you admire, living or dead, and read everything he or she ever wrote. Watch videos and listen to recordings about the person. Once you do a deep dive into your hero or heroine, you will learn how the person thinks. When you have a problem, you’ll be able to ask, “What would _________________do?” “How would ___________________handle this issue?”

2. Be sneaky. There’s a young woman in my life who calls me every two or three months to discuss her business. Conversations go something like this, “Miss Connie, what do you think I should do about…….” She never asked me to be her mentor. She invited me to lunch one day a couple of years ago. Since then, I’ve been mentoring her as she builds a website and starts a business. She doesn’t contact me for technical advice. It’s more for advice on how to handle the various contractors that she is managing. She respects my gray hair.

3. Ask, but bring something to the table. Entrepreneur and speaker Lisa Nichols wrote in her book, Abundance Now, that she needed the wisdom of a business attorney who was speaking at a conference. She agreed to make copies for him, grab coffee and run errands in exchange for a couple of minutes of his time between sessions. You already know what a mentor can do for you. Before you approach her about mentoring you, think of what you can do for her. You have some talent or skill that is beneficial to the mentor you’re considering.

Keep in mind that you’re not looking for perfection in a mentor. You’re looking for someone with talent, skill or experience that will help you as you pursue your goals. Your retired neighbor could help you with your public speaking. The leader of your life group could help you with your wellness goals. The co-worker who seems to always get promotions might be willing to share her secret sauce. Getting a mentor is in some respects like reading a book. You learn valuable lessons on someone else’s time and nickel.

How could a mentor help you?

7 Steps to a Harmonious Holiday Season

I used to work with a woman who had a Christmas tree in every room of her house. I do well to get one tree up before Christmas and down before February. For me the time from Thanksgiving through New Year’s really is “the most wonderful time of the year.”

At one time, I used to bake a cheesecake from scratch, prepare homemade macaroni and cheese, bake a ham and prepare trimmings. I also used to order custom Christmas cards every year. One year, I ordered the cards, and never had time to mail them. That’s when I started thinking about the purpose of the season. It’s a time to slow down. To be grateful. To enjoy the company of friends, family and loved ones.

Why allow it to become a season of rushing and stress-filled days and nights?

Here are a few simple ways to have a harmonious holiday season:

1. Determine your non-negotiables. What are the three or four things that make your season special? For me it’s getting the tree up, going out and looking at Christmas lights and seeing the joy and surprise on my children’s faces when they open their gifts.

2. Sleep at least 7 hours every night. When you get adequate rest, you have more energy for the extra tasks, and your problem solving skills are sharper. If you are only sleeping a few hours a night, your body will crave carbohydrates and caffeine to fill the energy void.

3. Get at least 30 minutes of exercise four times a week. Keep it simple. Take a walk. Use your treadmill or find an exercise class on YouTube. Exercise will help to reduce your stress and give you more energy for your busy days.

4. Delegate. Small hands, lazy hands and uninterested hands are still hands that can handle some of the tasks on your to do list.

5. Accept that good enough is good enough for some projects. Aim for okay or average on unimportant projects. Accept that some things don’t need to be done perfectly. Your house doesn’t have to be spotless before you can invite guests over. You don’t have to prepare every dish from scratch.

6. Establish and maintain a day of rest. Your day does not have to be Sunday. Set aside one day a week when you don’t work. If you enjoy sewing, organizing, canning or baking, then do those tasks on your day off. One day a week should be free of a frenzied pace and unwelcome tasks.

7. Conquer your to-do list. Create a master holiday to do list. On your list, mark your priorities and the non-negotiables that you established. Each day, prepare a daily to-do list on a piece of paper or a sticky note that is no larger than 2×2 inches. You’ll only be able to place about four items on this tiny daily to-do list. On the daily, to-do list, handle the most unpleasant task first. Using this small daily to-do list forces you to focus on the highest priorities and forces you to keep the list manageable.

Begin employing these strategies now so that your holidays will be smooth, low stress and fun.

3 Things to Take from Work

Henry Kissinger said, “America has no permanent friends or enemies, only interests.”

Once you accept that jobs, clients and employers are temporary allies, your attitude toward work should change. Having benefits, making money, and developing skills are your permanent interests. Your employer pays you to show up. However, there are several things that you can get from work other than money and insurance.

Contacts. While you’re at work, you can cultivate valuable relationships with coworkers, vendors and clients. Understand that most positions are not permanent. Assume that everyone you encounter can help you get to your next position or will bring you business when you get to the next position.

I worked for a government agency for 10 years before I opened a law practice. My former coworkers retained me and referred their friends and family members to me. Those contacts that I generated were invaluable once I left that job.

Skills. Maybe you dislike the work you’re currently doing. You dream of a fun and fulfilling position. Consider the individual tasks that make up your job. If you’re a receptionist, decide to be the most pleasant and efficient receptionist who has ever greeted a customer. If you spend the day writing boring reports, use the opportunity to improve your grammar, punctuation and analysis of data. Take the time to research terms and concepts that you don’t understand.

Volunteer to coordinate an event so that you gain leadership experience. Ask your employer to pay for a class, training or coaching. If your employer won’t finance your skill development, you can take free and inexpensive classes through local colleges and online. You can also listen to books and podcasts on marketing, soft skills and just about any other topic during your commute. Decide that you’re going to get as much from your experience as possible.

Personal Development. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Use your time at work to improve your strengths and address your weaknesses. Let’s say that you’re impatient, and you work with people who annoy you or maybe you have a hard time focusing on uninteresting tasks. If your areas of weakness negatively impact your ability to advance professionally, you must address them. Decide that you are going to improve in your area of weakness by 1% every week. If you are consistent, you will see a 50% improvement in a year.

But what about strengths? What are you really good at? Perhaps you’re already a great listener, and people tell you that you give great advice. Think about opportunities at work to use these great traits so that they become even more defined and valuable.

Consider your employer as your wealthy benefactor. While you’re cultivating contacts, sharpening your skills and honing your personal development, someone else is paying you money and providing benefits. When you start your own business, or get the job you really want, you’ll be prepared to excel.

How can you grow and what can you gain from your current job?

5 Ways You Sabotage Yourself

I used to enjoy watching Alex Rodriguez, also known as A-Rod, play baseball for the Yankees. And then his wife accused him of adultery. He didn’t deny it. Later, he was accused of using steroids. He initially denied using the steroids, and later admitted that he used them to improve his performance. Now retired from baseball, A-Rod is a successful businessman and says he is a present father.

Do you wonder why people who seem to have accomplished so much do things that will surely have a negative impact on their families and their careers? Why do people engage in self-sabotage?

While most of us don’t have public character implosions, we often engage in behaviors that are not in our best interests. Here are some of the ways that we sabotage ourselves:

1. We insult ourselves. Our internal dialog can be brutal. We call ourselves lazy, fat, worthless, etc. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to friends or family. The next time you catch yourself saying something unkind to yourself, stop. It’s okay to examine your behavior in a certain instance, but do not label yourself with unkind names or adjectives.

2. We keep doing the same thing and expect different results. Maybe you wanted to change careers or write a book. You’ve had big goals and dreams for years, but nothing changes. Often, nothing changes because we refuse to change. We won’t get tomorrow’s results with yesterday’s methods. Sometimes, we have to give up the unstructured Saturdays and decide we’re going to spend a few hours writing a book or emailing resumes and updating our LinkedIn profile.

3. We hang around the wrong people. We become the sum total of the people we spend the most time with. I noticed this when I sat through a painful time share presentation. The sales people, mostly men, were dressed alike. They had similar haircuts. They walked in a similar manner. When we spend time with people who are negative, toxic, or unmotivated, it is difficult to avoid their energy. It envelopes the space. Carefully consider who you spend your time with. Do you want to me more like those folks? If not, maybe you should limit or eliminate your association.

4. We have too much stuff going on. If you have a dozen pages open on your computer, things slow down. It’s hard to be great at the important things when you have dozens of unimportant things nipping at your heels. Have the courage to say no to new commitments and to remove yourself from organizations and responsibilities that are not a good use of your time.

5. We don’t treat our priorities like priorities. You’ve probably heard that your calendar and your checkbook reflect your priorities. If time with your family is a priority, are they on your calendar? If returning to school is a priority, is that reflected in how you spend money? Did you know that the word “priority” was not pluralized until the 20th century? Narrow your priorities to three and invest your time, money and energy in them. It’s okay to drop things until you have time to give them attention.

What do you need to stop doing?

You Should Welcome Rejection

Real estate mogul Barbara Corcoran, of Shark Tank fame, was labeled the dumb kid in school. After graduating from high school, she had nearly two dozen short-term jobs before she entered the fast-paced New York real estate market. Now, on Shark Tank, she has told anxious entrepreneurs that she does not like them or trust them. She even told one pair of business owners that they were too slick and too prepared. The kid who was once rejected at school and at work is now rejecting prospective business partners for reasons that seem personal.

Rejection always stings. Sometimes the pain can last a lifetime. Although we may never know why a person rejected us, we can choose how we react to it. Consider a couple of things when you process rejection.

First, rejection is information. Whether you’ve been rejected from a job, a sorority, or a school, the organization or person that rejected you rejected the current version of you. You have to decide how you will handle that information. Will you change? Will you decide that you can do better? Will you pursue other options? The organization that rejected you provided you with a valuable piece of information. You get to decide how you use that information.

Second, rejection is ammunition. Perhaps you learn why you were rejected. Maybe you don’t have the right education or the right “look.” What will you do with that information? Will you use the rejection to push yourself to obtain a certification or another degree? Will you refresh your wardrobe? Or will you use the rejection as fuel to light your entrepreneurial fire?

Finally, rejection is a reminder. Sometimes when everything is going well, we need a little reminder that life can be difficult. Perhaps your being rejected will help you to be more compassionate with those who seem to always have a hard time moving forward.

Rejection is an important part of life. When you encounter rejection, choose to dissect the event and determine what you can learn.

What is the biggest rejection you’ve endured? How did you move forward?

How to Set Yourself Up for Success

Business expert and motivational coach Chalene Johnson says that to accomplish your goals you will need to do one or more of the following: invest time, invest money, exert discipline. I think we all instinctively know that, but how do we get from knowledge to execution? One way is by creating an environment for success. Here are some suggestions:

1. Stay off the battlefield. If your goal is to save money, and you lose control when you go to department stores, stay out of the mall. Is it hard for you to resist gooey mac and cheese? Stay out of restaurants. It’s much easier to just avoid the places that cause problems than to try and stay in control when you go. Make it easy on yourself.

2. Create a reward in advance. Find something that you will do for yourself once your goal is complete. Make the reward consistent with the goal. For instance, if your goal is to finish writing a book, plan a reward like a weekend getaway. If your goal is to lose 20 pounds, maybe your reward could be a few personal Pilates classes or new workout gear. Thinking of a reward is one of the best parts of working on goals. Take some time to enjoy the process.

3. Maintain momentum. Imagine yourself on a swing. It takes some effort to find the right position and get yourself moving back and forth. But once you’re moving, there isn’t much that can stop you. You’re enjoying the air on your face, and your legs are only pumping a little to keep you going. With your goals, decide that you’re going to do something six days a week, even if you only do 15 minutes. A few minutes a day keeps your goal at the forefront of your mind, and if you only work on your goal for 15 minutes a day, six days a week, that is one and a half hours a week or six hours a month. If you’re writing a book, you could probably complete two chapters in six hours a month. Are you trying to earn more money on the side? Depending on what you do, you could probably earn at least $100 in six hours. Just keep moving.

4. Stay open to change. If you don’t seem to have time for what’s important to you, examine every hour of your day. What can you do differently? What can you stop doing? What activities can you postpone? A few weeks ago, I started observing the Sabbath day on Saturdays. It was something I had thought about trying for years. Now I attend a 9:30 am church service on Sundays. After making these two changes, I have several hours on Sundays to work on my projects. This radical change in my weekends has made a huge difference in what I’m getting accomplished. Additionally, because I don’t have anything that I feel that I must do on Saturdays, I love the idea of a clean slate. I give myself permission to have no plans for the day or if I have plans, to change them without guilt. Reconsider how you spend your days and hours.

5. Be realistic. I think we often see friends, relatives and celebrities exceling in some area, and we want to achieve our goal yesterday. Accomplishing goals usually takes more time and more effort than we anticipate. Life will happen and will disrupt your plans. As you consider what you can accomplish in a particular amount of time, factor in that there will be storms, sick children, a spouse who needs your attention for a few hours, and dozens of other things that you can’t pencil in. This doesn’t mean that you’re letting yourself off the hook, it simply means that you’re looking at your life as a whole as opposed to the individual parts.

What is one small change that you can make to create an environment that promotes your success?

3 Things to Stop Doing

Would you like to have a completely free day? How would it feel to wake up one morning with no agenda? Just you and a loved one or you and a great book. What about you and a peaceful drive to the beach or the park? You dream of having that kind of time, but it never happens. We all get caught in invisible webs that seem to eat up our time. If you carry a purse or a briefcase, every few weeks, you probably clean out the things that you don’t need or want so that you have room for the important items. Life is similar. If you want time and space for what matters, you have to clean out the irrelevant. Here are some things to stop doing so that you can have a free day more often than you imagined.

1. Adopting other people’s problems. We all have friends and acquaintances who seem to be in a hopeless cycle of trouble. They are always having some sort of major problem such as job loss or relationship problems. While we should offer a sympathetic ear and maybe a few dollars, we have to make sure we don’t take on the problem. How do you know if you’ve taken on someone else’s problem? If you’re making more calls, doing more research and doing more worrying than the rightful owner of the problem, you’ve adopted the problem. In addition to this bad habit sucking up your time and energy, you deprive your friend of the opportunity to learn how to solve her own problems. That’s not very friendly.

2. Working late. Did you laugh when you read this one? There will always be special circumstances that will require you to put in a few extra hours. However, unless you’re an emergency room physician, you can probably decide in advance how many hours you will work. If you plan to work 10 hours a day, your work will fill those 10 hours. If you decide that you are going to work eight hours, you will miraculously get your work done in eight hours. If you have a vacation coming up or an extended sick leave, you efficiently get work done in advance, don’t you? You can apply that same efficiency to your work every day so that you can leave work on time.

3. Working on projects that have no merit for you. Are you working on some project like a puzzle or an organic garden just because you feel you should? Stop it. Your time is too precious to spend on things that really don’t warm your heart or feed your soul. Leisure time is limited, so why spend it on something that you don’t truly love? Be honest with yourself. Reconsider everything you’re working on. End the projects that don’t matter.

What will you stop doing?

How will you spend your free day?

When the Boss is a Bully

Have you ever had a boss who micromanages your work? What about one who asks if your college gave away degrees? Do you now have a boss who goes out of her way to make you miserable? Unfortunately, everyone who has the title of supervisor or manager is not a leader. Teddy Roosevelt said that, “A leader leads, and the boss drives.” Sometimes supervisors and managers cross the line and harass the individuals they should be leading and inspiring.

Perhaps this post lets you know that you are not alone. Here are some tips for handling a boss who is a bully:

1. Try to stay under the radar. Does the boss get bent out of shape when people are late for meetings? Does she go on the warpath when her team does not look good? Notice the patterns. Do what you can to avoid the words and behaviors that seem to increase the bullying.

2. Avoid workplace gossip. Although it may help you feel better to compare notes with others, these discussions often get off topic and become personal, petty attacks on the person as opposed to addressing the workplace bullying.

3. Establish boundaries. You can meet with the boss and ask her to stop the behavior. Here’s a script. “Kate, when you get very close to me and raise your voice, it makes me uncomfortable. Would you mind keeping a reasonable distance and lowering your voice?” You can also respectfully remove yourself from the room when the boss violates your physical and emotional boundaries.

4. Get counseling through your health insurance or your Employee Assistance Program. Discussing the issues with someone who is neutral will help you cope with the day-to-day problems and could help you develop a strategy for addressing the situation.

5. Consider your options. Should you contact human resources, leave the company or take legal action? The Workplace Bullying Institute at www.workplacebullying.org is an excellent place to start for information about this problem and possible solutions.

If you’ve survived a boss who is a bully, what advice would you offer to those who are enduring a workplace bully?

How to End a Toxic Relationship

According to Dr. Phil, “The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for a year is being in it for a year and a day.” I asked my Facebook friends to tell me what a toxic relationship is. Here are some quotes. “One that will make you sick.” “One that diminishes and devalues you.” “If the relationship is NOT enhancing then there is no need for me to stay in it.”

I think we know in our guts when a relationship is not good for us. For some reason, we choose to stay. If you’ve had enough, here’s how to end a toxic relationship.

1. Starve it. You starve the relationship by refusing to give it anymore attention. You stop taking the calls. Stop responding to text messages and stop being available for lunch. This may seem like you’re avoiding a conflict, but a toxic relationship is conflict. When you end the relationship, by whatever means you choose, you are not avoiding conflict, you’re ending it.

2. Have the talk. Most people are not rotten to the core. You may want to have a talk with the person. Tell him how you feel about the relationship. For example, you could say something like this, “Whenever we talk, you make unkind comments about my children. I don’t like that. “You always seem to be against me. I feel that our relationship is damaging my mental health.” If you have to maintain some minimal relationship with the person, and you think the person will accept what you have to say calmly, this route might work.

3. Cut it off abruptly and completely. Back in the day, you had to change your phone number. Now, you can just block people so that they cannot call or text you. This is a good method for a relatively new relationship. You’ve invested a few weeks, and you know for whatever reason that the relationship is unhealthy. You don’t really owe the person an explanation. Just get out and protect yourself.

We can’t require perfect behavior from friends and acquaintances, but when there is a clear pattern of selfishness, comparison, unreasonable expectations and other negative acts, you know it’s time to end the relationship. Choose a method and execute.

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou