Connie R. Clay's Blog, page 4

3 Tips for Reaching Your Goals This Year

As summer comes to a close, you’re wondering where the year went. You had a list of big plans in January, but somehow, things haven’t worked out so well. Before you write off the last few months of the year, consider three easy ways to move forward with your goals:

1. Go for a quick win. What can you complete in a few hours that will get you closer to your goal? In January, I decided to declutter my house. This is something I had wanted to do for years. I thought I could complete the project in three months. Unfortunately, it takes more than 90 days to work through 30 years of stuff. One afternoon, I needed to throw some fire on the project. I did the linen closet. It was a small space. I completed it in a couple of hours and it gave me tremendous pleasure to know that I had made a step towards my big goal. Decide what you can do in a few hours or half a day to move closer to your goal.

2. Take one action every day. Regardless of what your goal is, decide that you are going to do something to get yourself closer to that goal every day. If you’re writing a book, write at least one paragraph a day. If you are starting a business, listen to a podcast every day. Find at least five minutes every day to do something. You will see that the momentum is going to propel you forward. As you spend a little time every day, you’re going to see progress, and you’ll be excited about working towards your goal the next day.

3. Act as if. Act as if you have already completed your goal. Starting a business? Call yourself an entrepreneur? Planning to lose 20 pounds? Don’t buy clothes in your current size unless you absolutely need them. Imagine the person you are becoming, and act as if you are that person. Back to my purging project, I act as if I have a clutter free home whenever I go shopping. If I don’t have a use for something, I don’t buy it. It doesn’t matter that it’s a good deal or that I “kinda” like it.

Don’t give up. It doesn’t matter if you’ve wanted to accomplish something for decades. You can still do it. What’s one thing that you can do today to make your dream a reality?

How to Have Work-Life Harmony

Recently, I started listening to a book about how successful women could “have it all.” I’m always looking for time management tips, so I hoped to gain some strategies from the book. The author reported that women could get more work out of their nannies, return to work late at night after their children were asleep, and work all day on Saturdays if they had dinner with their children a couple of nights during the week. At this point, I stopped listening.

Most of us don’t have a full time helper to cook, clean and change diapers. So how do the rest of us achieve work life harmony?



1. Determine what’s important for you and your loved ones on a daily basis. On Mondays, you might need to get everybody up dressed and out the door before 7:00 am. That might mean that the sink is overflowing with dishes and that you don’t have time to marinate the chicken before dinner. So what. Focus on what’s important each day and do what you can without guilt.

2. Contain toxic people. Do you have someone in your life who is always criticizing you, your children or your work? I don’t know why friends turn toxic, but I know that maintaining the relationship is seldom a good idea. When a friend or relative is constantly on the warpath with you, you need to limit or eliminate that person’s presence. Toxic people drain you of emotional and physical energy that you need for the people and the projects that matter.

3. Rethink how you spend your time. Do you have to check email first thing in the morning and before you go to bed at night? Probably not. Do you have to spend an hour every week shopping for groceries, or could you spend $10 and have your groceries delivered? Look at the day of the week that seems to be the most draining. Dissect every hour of that day and decide what you can do differently to save time and energy.

There will always be more things than we can give our attention to. You can’t do it all. Accept that fact. Achieving work life harmony is a daily discipline. What ritual can you modify to feel less rushed and less stressed?

3 Signs that Your Life is Out of Balance

During my career as a high school English teacher, I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. and leave the house at 6:00 a.m. to be at work by 6:30 a.m. I scarfed down breakfast in the car. At the time, I had a middle schooler at home, a husband to look after and a household to manage. I was also in the process of closing a business. After an exhausting three weeks, I walked out of the classroom in tears. I had taken on way more than I could handle. I was broken down mentally, physically and emotionally.

Do you suspect that you have too much swirling around in your universe? Are you doing any of these things?

1. Failing to spend quiet time with God. Some people spend 10 minutes in the morning doing prayer and Bible study. Others spend 30 minutes doing praise and worship. Even if you spend 5-minutes a day, take time to pray and listen. Ask the Lord to order your steps. Ask Him to tell you what you need to know. The Lord always gives back. Give Him time at the beginning of your day and watch Him give it back to you doubled, tripled or quadrupled throughout the day.

2. Neglecting your health. When it comes to our health, it is so easy to plan to work on it tomorrow. However, if we keep putting it off, we will have fewer options for wellness. Being physically and mentally healthy gives us the energy to excel at work and to be fully present at home. You neglect your health when you only sleep four or five hours a night. You also neglect your health if you regularly eat fast food and junk food. And if you smoke cigarettes or abuse drugs, you’re neglecting your health. Failing to get at least 30 minutes of exercise most days is health neglect too. The Lord gave you a temple, and taking care of that temple is 100% your responsibility. So where do you begin? Start with sleep. Most people need 7-9 hours of sleep a night. If you need an alarm to wake you up every day, you’re not getting enough sleep. For a quick summary of how to get a good night’s rest, read the post, 5 Reasons Why You Can’t Sleep. Once you’re sleeping 7-9 hours a night, conquer the next bad health habit. Wellness is a marathon. Decide to improve a little every day.

3. Doing work that you hate.

If you hate your job, it’s not God’s best for you. Maybe you’re good at it, and the salary and benefits are good. However, it you spend 40+ hours a week doing work that you would not do for free, you must develop an exit strategy. Maybe you need to look at other positions with your current employer. Maybe you should get training and certification to seek employment elsewhere, or maybe you should start a side business. How do you begin this process? Get out a piece of paper or your phone and write down the type of work that you would do for free. Describe it in detail. It could be several things such as child care, baking cakes, or building websites. Next, determine if anyone is willing to pay for what you would do for free. Don’t be too quick to dismiss your idea. Ask some friends or coworkers if they would pay someone to do what you would do for free. Your third step is finding resources to learn more about how to transition into your new job. Start with Google and YouTube. You will be able to find articles and videos that will show you where to start. Also, check at your public library, small business development centers and www.Score.org.

What’s one area in your life that is out of harmony with your values? What will you do to change it?

5 Reasons Why You Can’t Sleep

In January 2006, a Florida truck driver crashed into the back of a car and killed seven children. The driver admitted that he had not slept in over 30 hours.

How many times do you get behind the wheel of your car when you haven’t slept more than an hour or two? Operating heavy or dangerous equipment, including cars, with less than adequate sleep, can have dangerous consequences.

Do you find yourself physically exhausted but lying in bed wide awake for hours at night? At a minimum, a lack of sleep leaves us tired, grumpy and unfocused the morning after. Sleep deprivation also increases the risk of diabetes, obesity, heart disease, stroke and other maladies.

There are five things that many of us do that keep us from sleeping well.

1. Using a cell phone or other electronic equipment an hour or less before bed. The blue light that we can’t see from cell phones, TVs and other electronics suppresses the hormone, melatonin that we need to sleep. Conclude all of your business that requires the use of electronics at least an hour before bed.

2. Consuming coffee, tea, caffeinated sodas and chocolate after 10:00 a.m. Caffeine can stay in the body for up to 15 hours after you consume it. Having two cups of coffee at lunch could be keeping you counting sheep at night. Plan to eliminate all caffeine 12 hours before your bedtime.

3. Using the bedroom as a home office, TV room or other work space. The bedroom should be reserved for sleeping and relaxing activities such as reading, yoga or knitting. Make your bedroom an oasis of calm. Use peaceful colors, serene art, and dim lights.

4. Having an inconsistent sleep schedule. If you go to bed at 9:30 p.m. during the week but stay up until after midnight on weekends, you’re disrupting your body’s natural rhythm. Aim to go to bed and get up at about the same time every day.

5. Engaging in stressful activities immediately before bed. If you have difficult conversations or do other nerve-racking things right before bed, you’re taking all that tension to bed. Replaying conversations and wondering about unfinished tasks can produce just enough anxiety to keep you awake for hours. Use the last hour before bed to relax. Have a cup of naturally decaffeinated tea. Take a warm bath. Read an enjoyable, but not too exciting, book.

If you are practicing one or more of these sleep-robbing habits, try eliminating one each night and see if you start sleeping better. Visit www.sleepfoundation.org for more tips on sleeping well. If these strategies don’t help, discuss your problem with your health care professional.

When you get a good night’s sleep, you’re ready to wake up and be your absolute best.

What do you need to stop doing so that you can sleep well every night?

3 Questions to Ask before You Write a Book

Twenty-five years ago, a preacher wrote a book that he thought could help women break free of addictions, poverty, abuse, and crime. At first, no publishers were interested in the book. Eventually, the preacher found a publisher willing to publish the book. But the preacher had to contribute thousands of dollars towards the publication. The preacher and his wife had a few thousand dollars that they were saving to buy a home. That preacher, T.D. Jakes, and his wife invested their savings into publishing Woman, Thou Art Loosed. Since its first publication in 1993, millions of copies have sold and the book was made into a major motion picture.

Many people want to write a book. Many feel that their book could help people overcome a problem. Some people think that they can become rich and famous by writing a great book that millions of people will adore.

Regardless of your reason, before you invest hours and dollars into writing and promoting a book, consider these questions.

1. Why are you writing the book?

Do you want to document your life on paper for your grandchildren? Do you want to see your name at the top of the New Your Times bestseller list? Do you want a product to sell on your website or at your speaking engagements? Do you just need to get your thoughts on paper? There is no wrong reason to write a book. However, if you intend to sell the book and make a profit, you need to invest the money in making sure you’ve produced a good product.

2. Are you willing to invest the money to produce a good product?

Even if you write very well, you need to have your book edited. A good editor will tell you that chapter five should follow chapter three. She will tell you that you use “such as” incorrectly. For a 200 page book, a good editor will charge at least $500. You will also need a designer for your book cover. This will cost about $400. And you will need someone to format your book. That will cost another $300-$500. There are websites that allow you to create your own book cover for less than $100. The problem with these covers is that they look homemade. If you don’t intend to sell your book, this option is okay.

What if you’re planning to do a short e-book? If you’re planning to do a short e-book of 20 pages or less, I wouldn’t worry about formatting or creating a cover. Nor would I invest hundreds of dollars in an editor. For a short e-book, I would find cheap labor on Fiverr or Upwork. If you decide to turn your short e-book into a full length book, you can always have it edited and formatted at a later date.



3. Who will buy your book?

Before you spend the time to write a book and invest the money in creating a good product, make sure someone wants to buy your book. Most books sell fewer than 1,000 copies. If you self-publish your book, you will make about $6 per copy that you sell. If you go through a traditional or hybrid publisher, your proceeds will be closer to $1 per copy that you sell. How do you find out if someone wants your book? There are a few ways. Start by asking people who you think would be interested. Ask them what books they’ve read this year. Ask them how much they paid for the books. Ask if anything was missing from those books. Once you have a few of these casual interviews, you’ll know if you have something fresh to bring to a topic. Read book reviews on Amazon. Are there any books on the topic that you want to discuss in your book? If not, how will you build an audience? You could consider a Kickstarter campaign to raise the funds for editing, designing the cover and formatting. If you can’t raise a few hundred dollars on Kickstarter, that’s not a good sign for selling thousands of books, if that’s your goal.

If you’re considering writing a book and you want to sell it outside of your immediate circle, read Sell Your Book like Wildfire by Rob Eager. This book will show you how to build your audience before you write your book and will give you tips on building marketing into your manuscript.

Do you want to write a book? Why?

3 Books That Will Revive Your Year

When I went away to college, I was terrified of flunking out. I had to take college algebra my first semester, and math was my weakest subject. I failed the class, but before final grades were submitted, I met with the professor. I don’t know what I said, but I cried. Hard. He had mercy and gave me a D. I’ve never been so happy to get a D. The next semester, I took the class again, but I had a tutor. With the experience of taking the class my first semester, the fear of failing, and the extra help, I got an A the second time.

For many years, I was afraid of math. I spent too much time worrying and thinking about that weakness, but over the last several years, I’ve heard of a movement that is focusing on strengths as opposed to weaknesses.

At the suggestion of my mentor, I purchased Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath. I took a 20 minute assessment and learned that my top two strengths are Learner and Achiever. I received a personalized Strengths Insight that explained the hallmarks of my strengths as well as my unique needs. For example, Learners need quiet time to examine new information. I also received an action planning guide that showed me how to maximize each of my five strengths. The guide tells me to allow myself to “follow the trail.” When I get interested in a topic, I like full immersion. I want to read a few books, watch a documentary, and maybe even visit a landmark. I used to think this was strange. It’s not. It’s an integral part of my desire to learn. Strengths Finder 2.0 is a great book for figuring out what you’re really good at regardless of what you do for a living. It’s a great first step for anyone who is thinking about changing careers or starting a business.

For several months, I had been thinking about and working on a mission statement, with no success. My mentor suggested that I read The Path by Laurie Beth Jones. This book showed me how to quickly create a mission statement that encompasses how I want to serve personally and professionally for the rest of my life. For years, I’ve had materials for creating a life plan, but it seemed overwhelming, so I never did it. The Path showed me how to create a vision statement, which will serve as my life plan. Creating my vision statement was enlightening and fun. It encompasses relationships, vocation and legacy. Having a mission statement and a vision statement serves as a filter. It makes it easier for me to decide how to spend my time and energy. I highly recommend this book for anyone who has plans to do more than work 40 hours a week and draw a paycheck. If you want to sow good seed into this world, this book will help you to figure out what’s important to you and whom you can help.

Although I write and speak about setting and achieving goals, I need a refresher course myself at least once a year. Several years ago, I read Eat That Frog! 21 Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time by Brian Tracy. I listened to the book in the car over the past several days. The 21 actionable tips helped me to improve my time management and focus. I started the year with seven big goals. By the end of January, I knew that one of the goals would interfere with my completion of the other six, so I decided to push that goal to next year. After listening to Eat That Frog!, I leveled with myself and decided to only focus on three goals during the third quarter of the year. The methods in this book can help you achieve any goal faster. The book is especially good for those who have many goals and need to prioritize the components of multiple projects.

How is your year going? Do you need to make adjustments so that you can finish strong?

Big Mistakes that Smart People Make

A few days ago, I learned that a well-respected attorney in my community had not paid his personal or corporate income taxes for eight years. What! Huh? But you know what, I don’t have to pick up a newspaper or review a case file to find out about dumb stuff that people do. I can look right in the mirror. I think about some of the mistakes I’ve made, and I ask myself, “What were you thinking?” “Were you thinking?”

We get busy. We think that we’ll work on our lives later. Pretty soon, we’ve developed a pattern of neglecting what’s important. We’re all guilty of doing things that could really harm us in the future.

Here are some big mistakes that smart people make.



1. Being irresponsible with money

Whether we make $10 an hour or $100 an hour, the Lord expects us to be wise with money. Being wise with money includes managing debt responsibly, saving money, and providing for those who depend on us. Being responsible with money looks different depending on where we are in life and what our responsibilities are. If you feel clueless about money, start by reading a magazine like Money. It offers simple advice that anyone can understand and follow. You can also go to your local library and ask for assistance finding a book about personal finance. Don’t be so intimidated by money that you refuse to deal with it.



2. Holding grudges

Being wronged is a part of living on this earth. Holding grudges and walking in unforgiveness is mentally taxing and can lead to physical ailments. Often people don’t deserve forgiveness, but that is not the issue. The Lord repeatedly commands us to forgive others so that we can receive His forgiveness. We don’t have to readmit the individual into our circle, but by forgiving the individual, we let go of the grudge and set ourselves free.

3. Neglecting your health

When we deprive ourselves of sleep, regular exercise and healthy food, we neglect the temple that the Lord has blessed us with. We get busy with work and other responsibilities and pretty soon we’re trying to manage on a few hours of sleep and caffeine. When we neglect our health, we’re putting our loved ones at risk. If we drive ourselves into the ground, our loved ones may have to manage without us or they may have to take care of us because we’ve made ourselves sick. When you’re mentally and physically healthy, you’re in a better position to be a blessing to your loved ones.



4. Refusing to adapt to change

The only thing that is certain in life is change. We have to be willing to consider and investigate new technology. Sometimes the learning curb is stiff, but there are often free technology classes at the library, and YouTube often has information that is easily absorbed.

5. Relying on your intelligence and failing to develop soft skills.

Perhaps you’ve heard the term “emotional intelligence.” In a nutshell, it’s learning how to relate to people. We all need to learn how to read body language, how to adjust our tone of voice and how to empathize with people. For folks who are accustomed to being the smartest in the room, stepping back and considering feelings and personalities can be difficult, but it’s important. Only 7% of communication is words. The remainder of communication is body language and tone of voice. “Emotional intelligence” and “soft skills” are hot topics, so finding articles and books on the topic is easy.

As you make your daily decisions, consider the long term and short term consequences of your actions.

What’s the biggest mistake you’ve made and how did you recover?

5 Goal Achieving Strategies

Misty Copeland was the middle child of six. Her parents divorced, and her mother remarried and divorced two more times. Eventually, Misty and her family were living in a motel. Misty was a quiet, nervous child when she was first introduced to ballet at an after school program. She quickly learned that she had a “ballerina’s body.” Soon, she was referred to as a prodigy. While still a teenager, she set her sights on becoming a principal ballerina with the prestigious American Ballet Theatre (ABT). But there were obstacles. No black woman had ever been a principal dancer in the world-renowned ABT or any other major ballet company in the world. Misty’s ballet teacher and Misty’s mother engaged in a court battle to determine who would manage Misty’s career.

Despite all the commotion, Misty continued to excel. She participated in a summer program at the ABT while she was still in high school and was invited to join the company. Once she began dancing professionally, she injured her back and eventually had surgery on her leg. Despite all these obstacles, Misty was promoted to soloist and then became the ABT’s first black principal ballerina. With every imaginable hurdle, Misty achieved her goal. Misty tells her story in her memoir, Life in Motion.

What about you? What’s that goal that you said you were going to achieve? Here are some strategies to get you to your goal.

1. Set up interim rewards and reward progress. If your goal is to complete a book, create several smaller goals, such as outlining the book, creating the table of contents, taking a workshop or hiring a coach. As you reach each of these smaller goals, give yourself a little reward. If your goal is to start saving $50 per payday, reward yourself when you’ve consistently been saving $10 per payday because that’s progress. Keep your rewards consistent with your goals. If your goal is to save money, consider a reward that doesn’t cost anything like a movie night at home or a trip to a nearby beach or park.



2. Establish habit goals. Let’s return to the example of writing a book. If you’re planning to write a 200-page book, and you want to complete the book in a year, you have to write 15-20 pages a month. If you establish the habit goal of writing five pages a week, that habit will propel you towards your goal of completing your book in a year. With the goal of saving money, consider what habit you could establish to help you save money. Could you establish the habit of only spending money on necessities the second week of every month? Decide what will work with your particular situation.

3. Broadcast your goals. Tell people you trust what you want to accomplish. Ask them to check in with you. If your goal is to complete and publish your book this year, knowing that someone is asking you about it once a week will help you to stay on track.

4. Prepare for setbacks. Family emergencies happen. Cars break down. Consider the things that could derail your progress and plan accordingly. For instance, if your goal is to save $50 per payday, but you have to replace the engine in your car, simply adjust your goal. Maybe you’ll have to settle for saving $25 a payday until you’ve taken care of your car repair bill. The most powerful weapon in your goal attainment arsenal is planning. Take time to sit and think through the inevitable challenges and find a solution.

5. Give yourself grace. You will make mistakes. You will have days when you don’t work towards your goals. Forgive yourself and get going the next day. If you spend days or weeks off course, you’ll lose momentum. You can begin again every single day.

What’s the most effective tool you use to consistently work towards your goals?

How to Forgive Your Father

People are often surprised to learn that my late father was a minister. When they try to label me a “PK”, “preacher’s kid,” I tell them, I’m not really a preacher’s kid since I didn’t grow up in my father’s house. My parents divorced when I was a toddler. My father remarried. His new wife had five children from a previous marriage.

I think my father started pastoring a church when I was about seven or eight years old. Although my father lived about 20 minutes away, I only saw him four or five times a year. I spent a couple of weekends at his home, and he would make a brief visit on Christmas Day.

I was indifferent about my father until I was about 12. One day, I saw the program for his pastor’s anniversary celebration. There it was. A picture of him, his wife, and her children. The text said something like, “Rev. and Mrs. Clay have five children. The church folk thought that my father and his wife had five children together. There was no mention of me. My father’s congregation didn’t know that he had children from a previous marriage. At that point, my indifference became resentment.

As an adult, I always spoke to my father a few times a month. When I went home to Virginia, I made a point of seeing him once or twice during the visit. But the resentment, hurt and anger were always there.

I don’t know why I decided to let it go. Maybe the load just got too heavy. I learned to reframe every thought that I had about my father. He didn’t come to my high school graduation, but he came to my oldest daughter’s high school graduation and even made arrangements for my great aunt to travel with him. I have plenty of negative memories that I could focus on. All the events that he missed. All the slights. All the hurt. Concentrating on what my father did wrong doesn’t change the past but would make me a prisoner in my own head.

Whether your father is alive or dead, you can still forgive him. Here’s how:

1. Decide that you will forgive your father even if he doesn’t deserve it. If you are a Christ follower, you know that you must follow the example of Jesus and forgive those who have mistreated you. If you need a secular reason, unforgiveness only hurts you. You’re allowing the person who wronged you to hurt you over and over again with no effort.

2. Understand that forgiveness is a daily, sometimes hourly process. Once you decide to forgive, the ugly feelings and memories will creep in. You have to release them. When you forgive someone, you’re not giving him a free pass on what he did. You are deciding that you no longer harbor anger, resentment and a desire for revenge.

3. Accept his apology. My father never said “I’m sorry.” But he apologized with his actions. He never taught me to ride a bike, but he helped buy my first car. He never told me what to expect from men, but he called me every day when I was going through a divorce. If your father apologized with words or actions, accept it.

4. Get help. A Dad-Shaped Hole in My Heart by H. Norman Wright is an easy read on this topic with practical solutions. Consider enrolling in therapy with a trained counselor. You can vent in a safe space and learn specific solutions.

What is the first step on your forgiveness journey?

How to Avoid a Summer Slump

We hear about children losing academic progress over the summer. Merchants are figuring out ways to combat summer sales slumps. When the weather is nice, we want to slow down and enjoy life a bit more. If you set goals, you’re probably tempted to take a few weeks off for the summer. If you feel yourself sliding into a summer slump, here’s how to stop:

1. Give yourself a deadline. If you want to take a break from one or more goals, go ahead, but decide in advance when you’ll get back to work.

2. Banish “I can’t” from your speech and thoughts.

Quit telling yourself what you can’t do over the summer. When you keep saying “I can’t” it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you’re tempted to say or think “I can’t”, replace it with “I will” or “I can.”

3. Collaborate. Two like-minded heads are better than one. There are several ways that you can collaborate. You can become an accountability partner with someone who has a similar struggle. You could form a live or virtual group of people who have similar interests.

4. Strategic Thinking. Start with five minutes of uninterrupted time during which you will think about and or pray about the situation that has you in a slump. You can also use your time in the shower to think about your situation. Consider using your commuting time to strategically think. Ask a better question. Instead of saying, “why can’t I ever eat right?” Ask, “What can I do to be disciplined when I eat out?” Instead of asking yourself, “Why do I always spend too much money at the mall?” Ask, “How can I be a wise steward of the money that I have?”

Once you get into the habit of strategic thinking for five minutes at a time, you should work up to 30 minutes of interrupted thinking at least once a week. Consider sitting with a journal and thinking about your goals and anything that is interfering with your progress. Write down what’s working, what’s not working and what you can do better. The time that you spend quietly contemplating your next move will help you to be more effective when you return to your project.



5. Go to bed with it. When I was in high school, my grandparents would tell me to literally sleep with my text book under my pillow when I had a test. I used to do it while I was in high school, and I found that it worked. Many decades later, I understand why this practice worked for me. When you’re asleep, your subconscious mind is still at work. You can give it an assignment before you go to bed. Don’t lie in bed ruminating about a problem. Just simply ask a good question before you go to sleep. Here are some good examples. “How can I manage my responsibilities and still exercise three times a week?” “What should I do to complete my degree?” “Who can help me get my business started?” When you wake up, think about the questions that you asked. Make note of the new insight that you have.

There’s no reason to lose ground or go backwards over the summer. You don’t have to invest thousands of dollars or hours of time to reboot your progress. Change your thoughts and speech. Collaborate with like-minded individuals. Set aside time to think and pray, and give your brain an assignment before you go to bed.

How do you get yourself out of a slump?