Connie R. Clay's Blog, page 8

Slow Your Yes

Time management experts warn us to say no to the people, things and activities that are not the best use of our time. Sometimes, there are activities that are within our zones of strength but that we still need to decline. We all have triggers. One of mine is to conclude things in a neat and tidy manner. I also like to help people get going on their awesome projects and ideas. Although I have more time now than I have in my adult life, I am getting better at slowing my yes. Here’s why.

1. Saying yes to anything means saying no to something else. A close relative of mine died a few years ago. His small estate is open and is being poorly managed by another relative. The Type A in me seriously considered hiring an attorney and taking over the estate to bring it to a neat and tidy end. After considering this for a day, I realized that while this process is certainly in my zone of strength, it would require a year of time and mental energy. The consequences of leaving things alone are minimal. The consequences of diving in are having to say no to business opportunities, new relationships and the opportunity to travel.

2. Most people need time to figure things out for themselves. I have an acquaintance who has written two chapters of a book. After reading the two chapters, I told her that it was interesting and I thought she should finish it. Next, she wanted me to edit the two chapters. I declined even though I’m a decent editor and I want to help her. But if she wants to write a book, she needs to invest the time and energy into completing a complete draft before asking for free editing. Although I am in frequent contact with this acquaintance, she hasn’t mentioned her book in several months. I suspect that writing a book is not a priority for her, which is fine, but would she have figured that out if I had edited the two chapters and given her feedback? Probably not.

3. Jumping in too soon can have long term, negative consequences. Have you ever been offered a great opportunity but “something” told you to say no? I have. Several years ago, I was offered a job at a law firm. They didn’t seem that interested in me, and they only agreed to match my salary. Despite my feeling that things were not quite right, I accepted the job. Two months later, I was fired. I wonder to this day why they extended the job offer in the first place.

Slow down. It’s okay to say, “let me think about it”. If you’re being pressured to say yes without an opportunity to discuss the offer or just mull it over for a few days, it’s probably not a good idea to move forward. Better an immediate no than a regretted yes.

3 Reasons to Keep a Job That You Hate

It’s been too many years. The chances for advancement are slim. You don’t like the work. The managers are stupid. There are dozens of reasons to quit a job that you hate. However, here are three reasons to stick around for a little while.

1. Steal. Yep, I want you to steal. Steal the ideas that work. Pay attention to what doesn’t work. Notice how different personality types react to different situations. If your company offers training in soft skills (strategic thinking, emotional intelligence, etc.), fully engage. These are the skills that will benefit you in your personal and professional life long after you leave your current position. If your company offers a lending library of books on CD or for download, check out the titles that are going to help you in general and in the long term. Listen during your commute, while you’re on the treadmill or on your lunch hour.

2. Clean up your mess. Is your credit score in the 500s? Do you need to become more disciplined with eating and exercising? Does your marriage need a tune up? If you’re planning to change jobs or transition to self-employment in the next year, now is the perfect time to address those nagging issues that keep you distracted. Why does your credit score matter? Because many employers will run a credit check before they will hire you. Thinking of self-employment? Even if you’re planning to run an internet based business from your family room, you will eventually need a line of credit. If you are currently undisciplined in your personal life, it will spill into your professional life. Ask the Lord to show you how to make better choices and start good habits. Regarding your personal relationships, if they are out of sync, it will be difficult to excel at a new job or as an entrepreneur. Do your part to repair damaged relationships. Spend the time and money for professional counseling.

3. Prepare to Launch. If you know you’re going to open your own business soon, view your current employer as your shark (as in The Shark Tank). If you’re successful on the show, one of the sharks advances you money and gets a percentage of your business. Your current employer gets a large percentage of your time and pays you in salary and benefits. Strategically plan your time. Work on your business before work, on your lunch hour, on weekends and on holidays. Although you’ll need to pull double duty for a few months or years, you will be better prepared financially to transition into self-employment. If your goal is to work for a different employer, you look better to a new employer if you are currently working. Polish your resume. Hire a coach to help you hone your interviewing skills. Take classes in person or online to make yourself a more attractive candidate.

Spending most of your waking hours at a job that offers little in terms of satisfaction is taxing. However, if you view your time there through the lens of what you need to get done before the next position, the time will start to speed by. If you decide today that you want to change to a different position or become self-employed within the next 12 months, decide that each week you’re going to focus on one of the three items discussed above (stealing, cleaning up messes, or preparing to launch). Spend some time thinking about which item is most critical. Discuss it with a trusted friend or mentor. If you have a trustworthy coworker, ask her what personal and professional issues you need to address before you leave your current position. When you thoughtfully plan your days, the time you spend at a job you hate will not be wasted.

Don’t Count Yourself Out

 

In the late 80’s, my friend Amy and I worked at the State Attorney’s Office. We had both been out of law school a couple of years, but Amy was 10 years older than me. I don’t recall what kind of work she did before going to law school. Anyway, after two years as prosecutors, we were both applying for positions that would allow us to make more money and work fewer hours. It was not unusual to work 80 hours a week when we had jury trials, and I wasn’t earning enough to pay my student loans. I learned about a position in the corporate legal department of a major insurance company. I applied. When I learned that Amy had also applied, I knew I wouldn’t get the job. Amy was the type of person that everyone loved. She was one of those souls who could get along with everyone, and she made everybody feel at ease. I knew that no employer would choose me over Amy. I was quite surprised when the employer did indeed choose me over Amy. I have no idea why because we were about equal in terms of legal experience, and I would assume that she aced the interview. I had counted myself out.

Fast forward two decades and I must remind myself that the answer is always no if I don’t ask. If I don’t ask for an upgrade to first class, the answer is no. If I don’t run for an office in my sorority, I won’t be elected. How many times do we count ourselves out? Why do we assume that someone else is better qualified?

Are you holding yourself back? Do you need to go out on a limb? When was the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone? Apply for the promotion. Volunteer to chair the committee. No one is ever really ready. We learn as we go. If you don’t have anyone in your immediate circle to help you navigate new territory, reach out to your social media contacts. Check out leadership and personal development blogs such as www.success.com and www.michaelhyatt.com.

3 Steps to Achieving Your 2016 Goals

Tis the season for resolutions, plans and goals. Every January, we plan to “eat right,” “stop wasting money,” and “become more social.” Do any of these goals sound familiar? The reason no one achieves the goal of “eating right” is because it’s too vague. Here are three simple methods to establish and achieve your goals for 2016:

1. Establish SMART goals:

• Specific. Think about what you want to accomplish. For instance, instead of saying you want to increase your income, say you want to increase your income by $1,000 a month.

• Measurable. Someone who knows nothing about you should be able to look at the before and after and see results. Saying you want to improve your diet is not measurable, but saying that you want to eat five veggies a day is a measurable goal.

• Attainable. Your goal should require you to stretch, but it should also be within your grasp. If your goal is to be married with two children by December 31st, that goal is probably not attainable if there is no special someone in your life. However, if your goal is to exercise five days a week for 30 minutes each day, and you’re currently exercising three days a week, adding the extra two days is an attainable goal.

• Realistic. Is your goal consistent with your lifestyle and your resources? If your goal is to be self employed by the end of the year, but you have no business ideas or experience, your goal is probably not realistic. If you have been working on your side hustle for a couple of years, and you’ve replaced 35% of your income from your employer, making the leap into self-employment is a reasonable objective.

• Time bound. Your goal should have a deadline. “I’m going to lose 30 pounds” has no date attached to it. “I’ll lose 15 pounds by June 30th and another 15 by November 30th” is time bound.

Making your goals SMART forces you to be precise about what you plan to accomplish.

2. Chose the game changer. Which of your goals, when achieved, will completely change your life? Is it completing your degree, earning an extra $1,000 a month or losing 30 pounds? Make the goal that is most important your priority. When you’re pressed for time, focus on the priority goal.

3. Visualize. Take the time each day to imagine your life when the goal is complete. Are you walking across a stage receiving your degree? Are you closing on your new home? Is your credit score above 700? Visualization is a powerful tool, but you must consistently work on your goals. Just imagining them will not give you the results that you want.

Using these techniques will turbo-charge your ability to establish and accomplish your big goals in this New Year.

Ingrates

In October of this year, I took in two teen boys. Their mother was in a coma. Their abusive, alcoholic father had been estranged from the family for over five years. Although the mother had six siblings and several friends, no one would take in the children. The children were a few days away from homelessness when I obtained temporary custody of them. Their father did not object. The mother’s relatives endorsed the placement.

After three weeks with me, the oldest child decided that he did not want to wear a belt, do school work or contribute to household chores. He arranged to live with a family friend who had previously refused to assist his family. The younger child stayed with me for two more weeks. After a long discussion about his lack of gratitude for the sacrifices that had been made for him, he sulked for three hours and elected to live with his older brother. The new “custodian” took over two weeks to enroll the oldest child in school. After a few days, she could not afford food for the children. Although they have not spoken with me directly, the children have told relatives that their father has direct access to them. They no longer have to worry about respecting me or doing chores, but they have more pressing problems such as food, clothing and safety.

Initially, I was angry. I spent thousands of dollars on attorney’s fees, meals, hotel stays and clothing. I missed several days of work. When the children thought they could get more and do less, they left. They didn’t care anything about me. My sacrifices didn’t matter. Later, I was sad. I felt violated. Then, I felt relieved. Relieved that their stay lasted five weeks and not five months or five years. The more I learn about their current placement, the more sorrow I feel for them. They realize they made a huge mistake. A relative and a coworker who are familiar with the situation asked if I would take them back. The short answer is yes. Do they deserve a second chance? Absolutely not. They haven’t apologized to me nor have they initiated any contact with me other than a half-hearted effort to get me to do something for them.

As angry as I was with the children, I could not help but compare the situation to my relationship with Christ. He made the ultimate sacrifice for me. For years, I ignored him and lived my life as I saw fit. When did I accept Christ? When I was at the end of me. I was out of options. Nothing was working. I came to Christ when I wanted something that I couldn’t get on my own. Is there a right or wrong reason to come to Christ? The children came to live with me because they had no other options. When they had another option that appeared to be better, they took it. I’ve tipped back into the world and turned my back on Christ when the world’s offerings were enticing. Every time I’ve strayed and asked for forgiveness, I’ve received it. If the children want to return, how can I deny them what I have freely received?

Ask

Last week I attended a conference in Atlanta. The hotel was sleek and modern. The customer service was superb. When I checked out, the desk clerk asked what could have been better. I told him that it would have been nice to have a coffee maker in my room. He told me that coffee makers were available upon request. Although I had room service the morning of checkout, I had managed without my early morning coffee the three previous days because I didn’t ask for a coffee maker. I assumed that a coffee maker was not available.

During the afternoon of the last day of the conference, I noticed an SUV with the hotel’s logo on the side. At that point I remembered that the hotel had car service. Instead of walking five blocks each way for a brief meeting with a relative, I could have asked the hotel for a ride.

How many times do we assume that the answer will be no? How many times do we assume that we can’t get the help that we need? I often tell my children that the answer is always no if you don’t ask. Years ago, my family went to Disney World two or three times a year. Each time we stayed at a Disney resort, I asked for a free upgrade. For years, the answer was no. After asking every time for several years, I finally received a yes. I tried to get a free upgrade on my cruise in January but pretty much got the runaround. However, when I went to New York for my birthday in August, I received a free upgrade on my hotel room.

How do you muster the courage to ask? Start small. Ask a family member to take over a task for you. Ask a coworker to pick up lunch for you if she’s going out anyway. The next time you travel, ask for a free upgrade. If you have a performance review coming up at work, gather the evidence of what you have contributed beyond what’s expected. Ask for more money, more time off and or more benefits.

What’s even better than asking hotels, airlines and bosses for what we want? Asking God. He owns it all. Why accept knee pain, headaches and insomnia? Ask the Lord for healing. Remind Him that He said in His Word that He heals all disease. Are you using money wisely, but you’re still having trouble paying your bills? Ask the Lord to show you what to do. He has all the answers. Everything that we need and many of the things that we want are available if we just ask.

When You Say Yes

 

 

 

As we mature as Christians, the Lord will ask us to do more, be more and become more. Many of the Lord’s assignments will be unattractive. Some will seem completely out of line with what we believe is our unique calling. When you answer the Lord’s call and say yes, here is what you can expect.

1. Inconvenience. Doing the Lord’s will requires you to set your agenda aside. You will miss the deadlines that you set for the projects that are important to you.

2. Irritation. The people that the Lord has called you to serve may not appreciate what you are doing for them. They may resent you. They may oppose you. There will come a time when you are irritated with the situation.

3. Reward. When you do what the Lord has asked you to do to the best of your ability, expect a reward. It may be financial or relational. You may receive it immediately, or you may realize years later that you are being rewarded for your sacrifice and for doing what the Lord asked you to do.

Keep in mind that following God’s call does not require you to be disrespected or abused. Those you are called to serve may reject what you have to offer. In that case, let them go. You have answered the call and will receive your reward and a new assignment.

The Blessing of Being Single

Many Christian singles long to be married and feel that being single is some warped punishment. Having been single most of my adult life, I’ve come to recognize that being unmarried has many benefits. The first three weeks of my three-year marriage were great. We moved in together, went on our honeymoon and enjoyed the benefits of our combined resources from health insurance to income. However, one thing I quickly learned was that just as we shared resources, we shared the results of bad decisions, and we shared character flaws. Now that I am six years out of that marriage, I truly appreciate the many blessings of being single. Allow me to share.

1. Giving. When you are single, you can give your time, money, and talent to individuals and institutions. Yes, you should prayerfully consider major commitments of time and money, but you don’t have to factor in the fear, selfishness, or lack of understanding in a spouse.

2. Focus. During years or even decades of being single, you have the time to focus on self-improvement, hobbies or education. Additionally, this is a time to really get to know God in an intimate way.

3. Freedom. Want to go on a missionary trip to Africa for a year? If you’re single, and your finances are squared away, you can do it. Want to immerse yourself in French culture for a month? While you are single, you don’t have to clear this plan with anyone other than your employer.

With every season in life, there are benefits. Sometimes, we have to make the effort to look for the good in our circumstances. I have every intention of remarrying, but if it never happens or doesn’t happen for several years, I will continue to thrive during my season of singleness.

Margins

 

In the spring of 1990, I had closed on my first home. I was scheduled to move in a few days, and I had no money. I had spent every dollar that I made to get into the 1,000 square foot duplex. I mentioned to a coworker that I wasn’t sure how I would buy groceries. She gave me a $20 bill. I had no margin in my budget, but she had at least $20 worth of margin in hers.

A couple of years ago, I had spent the night at the hospital with my late mother. My dog had been home alone for close to 24 hours. I called a friend and asked if she could go and look after the dog. She was able to rearrange her day to go to my home and feed, walk and clean up after the dog. She had margin in her schedule.

Money management experts advise us to live on 90% of our income and to save 10%. Time management experts tell us to only schedule 65% of our day. These principles seem reasonable enough on paper. However, look at how my friends’ having margin in their budgets and time worked out for me. Because the coworker was not completely tapped out, she was able to help me out of a bind. Because the dog-loving friend didn’t have every second of her day scheduled, she was able to rescue my dog.

Not only do we need margin in our finances and time, we need emotional margin. We shouldn’t take on every single project or involve ourselves in every single problem. When we have no emotional margin, small annoyances will seem like crises because we have no emotional room. So, how do we go from overspending, over scheduling, and over committing emotionally? Let me offer a few tips:

1. To instantly create margin in your budget, take out enough cash every pay day for groceries, gas, meals out and incidentals. Whether it’s $150 or $300, when you know that the cash has to last for two weeks, you will spend less. After two or three pay periods, you will find that you have a cushion in your checking account. Leave it there. When an unexpected expense comes up, you will have the margin to handle it.

2. To stop over scheduling yourself, pause before you commit. If someone asks you to serve on a committee, tell the person you need to think about it or check your calendar. Before you click “buy now” for a conference or an online class, figure out what you’re going to stop doing so that you can add this activity to your schedule. Once you get into this habit, you’ll find yourself having extra time to rest, exercise and work on projects that are important to you.

3. How do you stop getting too involved emotionally? You decide that you don’t have to adopt a problem to assist with it. For example, if your coworker is in an emotionally abusive relationship, you can listen to her and help her find resources, but you don’t have to allow her to bend your ear over lunch five days a week. Save your emotional energy for close friends, family and the projects that you know are in your zone of interest and expertise.

Allowing some space between where you are and your limits will help you to stay financially and emotionally healthy, and having some margin puts you in a position to really assist the people who matter the most to you.

Fired, Part 3

I hired my first coach on New Year’s Day 2013. Although we did not have much in common, her advice, prodding and calling me out helped me to get focused and lose over 30 pounds and write a book. Convinced that I could make great progress on my own, I ended our coaching relationship in late 2013. I went all of 2014 without a coach. Although I made progress with my wellness and entrepreneurial goals, I knew I needed a coach to accelerate the process.

In June 2015, I hired a coach and business consultant. She had information about a particular business model. I had misgivings about hiring this woman, but I knew she had the expertise that I needed. She certainly helped me to come up with an excellent business idea, and she helped me to think of a web address that would increase traffic to my website. However, working with her was mentally exhausting. I never felt that my efforts were validated. I felt that I just couldn’t get enough done to satisfy her. Although she knew that I had a full time job and other responsibilities that were equivalent to a part time job, she acted as if I were a procrastinating sloth. I knew that it was time for a change.

When I let this woman know that I did not want to coach with her anymore, she took it hard. She basically told me that she didn’t like working with people like me anyway. She told me that I had taken a slot from someone who could have benefited from her coaching. After we ended the relationship, she proceeded to unfriend me and block me on Facebook. A day or so later, she offered to refund my last payment. I accepted. Next, I received an email from her telling me she was going to keep the payment because I had been so much trouble.

It’s been a month since that exchange. I’ve hired a new coach. I have five freelancers on my team who are helping to move my business forward. My new coach actually reads the documents I submit to her, and she provides thoughtful insight. Dealing with her is like a breath of fresh air.

Firing my last coach was the right thing for her based on the things she said and did afterwards. She didn’t like me or respect me. She wasn’t for me. As I said last week, firing is ending a bad relationship. Dr. Phil says something to the effect that the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship is being in it one day longer.