S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 34

Quick Pep Talk – Don’t Be Fixed About Who You Are

Who have you decided you are and what have you decided it means? What would happen if you un-decided it?

Click to play!

xx

Reflecting on the Lessons from 2020 & the Last 3 Months (podcast)

I feel like 2020 has been a Microcosm of life as a whole: uncontrollable, unpredictable, up and down, emotional, but a blessing if you look close enough…

What has your 2020 looked like? What have you learned? What does it all mean for you, your life, and your future? And what will you do to make the last 3 months count?

Today I’m reflecting on my own year and giving some insights into how we grow through adversity.

Click to play!

xx

How to Enjoy Your Time Alone (and Why)

Yes, I am writing this post as a socially anxious introvert, and so time alone is sort of my forte! Butttttt, I think that everyone can and should enjoy the time that the spend alone. Here’s why…

It’s healthy

First of all, it’s healthy to spend time alone. Obviously, we’re all in different positions in life. Some of us are in relationships, some not. Some living with others, some living alone. Some with kids, some without. Some who work alone, some who work in busy work environments. But whatever the situation, it’s healthy to spend time alone because you want to.

There is, as I’m sure you can imagine, a difference between being alone because you want to, and being alone because you have to be. Actively choosing to spend time alone is important for our sense of self. It’s important for knowing who we are. It’s important for growing strong and developing a trust within ourselves. All of which helps us to feel a healthier sense of self.

Improve self esteemImprove self awarenessImprove self trustImprove your relationships as a result

Get to know yourself

As I said, being alone is important to getting to know ourselves. We can’t truly know who we are, what we’re good at, and what we want without that quiet time away from the crowds in order to figure that out.

As social beings, we are all susceptible to conformity, this act of following the majority, basically. But when you’re alone, you get to choose by and for yourself. You get to understand yourself and your own voice a lot better without the noise of the masses overpowering it.

Feel detached from yourself lately? Maybe you need some alone time.

Growth

When you know yourself well, and you trust yourself, and you feel a healthy sense of self, you are more likely to grow. To choose to grow, actively. To know what needs to be done to improve. It’s all about self-awareness. It’s all about going at life with this strength within because you’ve taken that time to know yourself and develop that important relationship overtime.

Put yourself first

Spending time alone means you get to put yourself first without anyone else playing a role. And over time, you begin to choose yourself even when others are around, because you have this sense of self that is so solid that you know what you need and what you value and you don’t deprive yourself of that need.

When you travel or go out alone, you get to decide what you do, what you eat, where you go, and so on. You can be the sole decider and that’s so fun!

Things to do and enjoy alone



Watch a film (at home or at the cinema)Play video gamesReadWriteDance and singPaint or drawTravelling Learn a languageGo for coffeeGo for lunch or dinnerOutfit try-on session and hairstyle playWork outYogaCook and bakePamper yourselfGo for a walkClean and tidy (decluttering and donating too)Binge-watch favourite Tv showsSwimmingGymGardeningBloggingBuild a fort and watch something spooky

Visualisation Tool: Scenario Exploration for Anxious Overthinkers

If you are an anxious overthinker, like me, then your mind is used to imagining the worst and thinking about every scenario. But what if I encouraged you to do this in a more focused and productive way?

You’re already an intelligent, creative person, because overthinking and imagination go hand-in-hand. Why not use this skill in a healthier way to motivate you?

Click to play!

xx

Journal entry: I’m so scared of life

I’ve never been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. I’ve only been diagnosed officially with social anxiety. But I feel like I’m scared of everything. Scared of life itself. Maybe it’s because life is social. So to have social anxiety means to be scared every time you leave your home, no matter what for…

Here are some things I’m constantly afraid of…

Death

I used to really suffer with the idea of death and the fact that everyone I love will die. I used to literally grieve for their loss as if they were actually dead, but they weren’t…they aren’t even ill. There was basically no reason to grieve and fret so much, yet I did.

I don’t anymore, not in that way. But every now and then, I will have vivid visions of life when a certain person is gone. I feel the literal pain in my heart that comes with that. It terrifies me.

I’m scared I can’t live without certain people in my life…

Work

Second fear that lingers is the fear of work. Yes, the fear of going to work and doing my job. No matter what that job is. When I first started working, it was in retail. My first job was at Argos as a depressed university dropout with bad social anxiety… yeah that was fun…

Thankfully, the panic attacks and struggles to eat and sleep subsided and I got used to working and people. But I still get afraid with every job I work. Afraid of doing my job poorly. Afraid of the responsibility and demands of a job. Afraid of being fired. Afraid of not making enough money. Afraid of struggling at work but feeling trapped. Afraid of hating it but feeling trapped…

Afraid afraid afraid.

I don’t feel safe in a workplace. Even now, in a good job, I don’t feel safe.

Tiredness

This seems silly but I get afraid of being tired. I’m pretty sure this stems from years of being an insomniac, and no it’s not as romantic as it sounds. I wasn’t an insomniac writer, writing my novels all hours of the night (though I did at times when deep into a story!)

It was very stressful and hard as a teen who couldn’t sleep well. I still wouldn’t say I sleep “normally”. Normal for me, but not for others.

So it is like I’m afraid that being a little tired means I’m a LOT tired. Or that I’ll always be tired, perhaps? I mean come on, being exhausted isn’t fun. It impairs everything you do that day (week, month…)

So I get afraid of not sleeping, and afraid that being tired will affect my day and make me feel low. And anyone who has struggled to sleep knows thinking about trying to sleep is a fast track to not sleeping.

Hunger

Again, crazy, right? This again might come from teenhood where I didn’t eat a lot. I never had an eating disorder, I was just a “fussy eater” with certain food anxieties. I could eat a lot less than my friends and feel full. But I felt judged and shamed and I hated myself.

I had this horrid phobia of my belly rumbling loudly in a quiet assembly hall!

I know how weak and tired (again) and impaired you feel when hungry so perhaps that contributes to my fear now. Hunger or the potential for it (not having access to foods I like) is a fear now. A fear I can’t control my food and sustenance, I guess…

Responsibility

This goes back to the work one but also a fear of having any real power or influence, I guess. I’m scared of screwing up basically. Scared of making a mistake that affects more than just me. Afraid to take real steps and be held responsible for my actions.

Moving out was hard because of this (among many more important reasons). It’s scary to know you can’t fall back to safety so easily. That you could face real consequences for your actions.

But this comes down to a fear of failure, really. Something we all have in one way or another.

Fear of an unlived life

It’s so scary to die or face death yourself, but perhaps worse is the meeting of that situation knowing you didn’t do anything with the life you had.

I’ve always been ambitious, in that I can’t sit still and do nothing. I can’t imagine a basic life. I feel dissatisfied with ordinary.

But being so anxious all the time makes that difficult.

The future

What the hell is my future, and why does it terrify me so much? I guess, as I said before, I’m scared of hating my life and not fulfilling my potential and doing what I could have done if only I hadn’t been so afraid…

Fear of fear

And lastly, I fear fear itself. Not in a cool Harry Potter way, where he’s afraid of dementors, but an almost obsession with fear. If you couldn’t tell from this post!

Living with anxiety means living with fear being an active part of your life, even more so than usual. It really does feel like an obsession. You fear the fear that might come later and therefore worry and fear twice as much as needed!

And the fear of depression returning is part and parcel with this. Depression is usually intertwined with anxiety, for me anyway. I feel low and I feel afraid to the extreme. I’ve felt that way many times in the past, and I’m constantly afraid of depression coming back into my life and taking over.

It’s horrid. It’s very hard. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come. The work I’ve done. I’m not the anxious mess I used to be. But fear is still so strong and prevalent in my life and it’s exhausting. So exhausting.

Can you relate?

Xx

Memento Mori: Meditating on Death

Memento Mori = “Remember you must die…”

This podcast episode was quickly recorded the day Chadwick Boseman passed away. May he rest in eternal peace.

Today we are reflecting on our mortality and the shortness and fragility of life; not so that we become depressed from that reality, but so that we can refocus on what truly matters.

Click to play…

XX

National Suicide Prevention Week: What Do You Think About Suicide?

This week has been National Suicide Prevention Week. If you or anyone that you know has been experiencing suicidal thoughts or hopelessness or suffering in any way, please reach out for help.

Samaritans Hours: Available 24 hours. Call 116 123

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

For Suicide Prevention Week, I wanted to talk about how we as a society tend to view suicide and discuss a better mindset for us to adopt…

“It’s selfish”

Thinking that suicide is selfish is actually selfish, in my opinion. That’s once again thinking about yourself, the person left behind, and not the victim.

And yes, victim is the key word here. People who die by suicide are the victims of depression and severe mental illness.

People in their right mind don’t end their lives.

Yes, many of us may have had hard and low periods in our lives. Times when we wished we weren’t here having to deal with how we are feeling or our circumstances. Perhaps even had deep depression and suffered from suicidal thoughts, too. But that doesn’t mean you get to judge those who have gone through with attempted suicide or death by suicide.

We have a tendency to judge how one another handles pain, but the thing is, everyone’s situations and personalities and lives and brains and everything is different. Our threshold for physical and mental/emotional pain is different. We cannot ever hope to compare our pain. And we shouldn’t.

“It’s too horrible to talk about”

In other words, suicide is a taboo subject. A subject that should only be whispered about if spoken of at all. Something shameful and awful and disgusting.

Tell me, is death by cancer shameful? Death by mental illness shouldn’t be, either. It is, as I said before, the result of severe mental illness and a mind sent to the edge.

The thing is, suicide is awful. But not because that person killed themselves and they should be ashamed. It’s awful to me because it’s preventable. It feels like if only that person got the appropriate help then maybe they would be here today.

Keeping secrets and turning away from tough topics of conversation is what makes suicide so prevalent (high in number). People who are suffering are too scared to reach out because they feel hopeless, helpless and ashamed on top of all that.

We need to talk about suicide, to help stop suicide.

“It’s for crazy people”

Only mad people commit suicide. Crazy people. Mental people.

This kind of unfair and disgusting language is again a reason why mentally ill people feel driven to suicide and refuse help. They feel isolated, judged, and shunned and too “crazy” for anyone to deal with.

You are not mental health professionals (I assume) and it is not your responsibility to save or heal mentally ill people. But you are a part of our society and therefore you have a responsibility, a duty even, to do something simple but powerful: be kind instead of cruel. Don’t add to their pain.

Mental illness (or mentally ill) is not synonymous with crazy, mad, or even unstable. Not all mentally ill people are unstable.

“It’s for weak people”

Oh if they’re not crazy, then they are weak at the very least, right? Wrong.

Again, thinking of suicidal thoughts, suicide, or mental illness as weakness is a way of shunning and judging and hating.

We cannot even begin assume to understand someone’s situation. Who are you to pretend to know how they feel everyday?

One of the Four Agreements is Don’t Make Assumptions. Even if you knew the person, there’s a lot you still might not know about their everyday life and suffering.

We all have moments of weakness. The world isn’t split into strong people and weak people. Those who can handle the hard stuff and those who can’t.

We all have things that change or even break us. We all have low moments. How we handle them may manifest in different ways, but again, you don’t get to be the judge and jury on that. You don’t get to sit on your high horse and say, “getting angry and drinking away my pain is better than those people who contemplate or attempt suicide.”

Again, do not compare pain.

Instead let’s…



Have open conversations about suicide, suicidal thoughts, hardships, mental illness and mental health in general. (Mental health is something that we all should care about, because it just means the health of the mind; just like the body, the mind can be healthy and unhealthy.)When we hear that someone died by suicide (who we didn’t know personally), let’s be sad, sorry, and empathetic. Not judgemental or assume anything about them. Let’s treat suicide as any other death. Not something we hide and make the family feel bad about; or make them feel alone in it, just like their loved one did. Show compassion for the deceased’s family and friends. I’m not so sure I like the term “committed suicide”. I know it’s against the law but it makes it sound so dirty and therefore makes it harder to discuss and understand. (I’m not saying suicide is okay. Please don’t twist my words. This post is about preventing it by opening our hearts to understanding what would push someone to something so permanent and devastating.) Instead perhaps get used to saying “Death by suicide” or “Death by depression” .Just like with racism and homophobia etc., we need to talk about mental health, mental illness, and suicide in order to move forward towards change and the betterment of our society. So that those people feeling this way can reach out with less fear. So that people feel heard and understood. So people have a platform for bringing about change within themselves and the wider world.

Hard conversations are often the most important to have.

A few last things to consider on a more personal level in your everyday life:

Consider how you treat other people in general. Cruelty, bullying, and judgement can be a breeding ground for mental health decline.How do you react when someone tells you they are struggling? Could you have more empathy? Could you allow them the room to just talk freely without you interrupting, assuming, judging, or trying to fix it?Are you telling people to just be happy, get over it, it’s fine, don’t be silly, you’ll be okay without any feeling, help, or listening at all?Are you using problematic and damaging language like crazy, weak, pussy, loser, idiot, mad, insane etc.?

People often just need to talk openly and feel heard. They don’t need you to fix their problems or their thinking. You could, if appropriate, support them with materials that could help or with seeing a professional. But lending an ear goes a long way. Allowing someone the space to say the hard stuff without them feeling like you will judge, get uncomfortable, or push them away.

We can all play a role in helping to prevent suicide by doing two things: listening and being compassionate.

Take care.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Self-Doubt: The Unreliable Narrator

This post is inspired by a video I watched the other morning which I adored. Please watch it to get more of a creative idea of this concept that I wanted to explore further.

Self doubt…what a bitch!

It holds us back in life and yet, it’s not even real! It’s not even based on facts half of the time; even if it is, it’s still not the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!

As a creative writer, self-doubt is kryptonite. It’s poison. Not other people or critics, not time, not ideas, nothing but self-doubt…

“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” – Sylvia Plath

If you don’t check your inner critic and put it in its place, it will guide your life. Your decisions, your art, your relationships, your achievements and what you generally think is possible. This will determine who you are and what you do.

Are you okay with that?

Instead, do as Cinzia said in her video: think of your inner critic, your self-doubt, as another person. Even give it a name if you want to! It is not you. It’s a voice inside of your head, speaking it’s own thoughts (okay, that sounds crazy, but we’re just imagining here!).

So when you think bad things about yourself, distance yourself from that voice. It isn’t you. It’s a thought inside your head, but it’s not really about you. You can pick and choose whether to take any notes from what was said, or to leave it and say, “No thanks, I think you’re wrong!”

Treat your inner voice, your inner critic, your self-doubt as an Unreliable Narrator. It might be telling your story, but don’t trust that its’ actually telling the truth the whole time. It might be picking up on influences from society, your childhood, your peers, TV, whatever that have it saying things that aren’t true to and for you personally.

It’s about having the ability and awareness to catch it when it speaks, and to analyse and criticise what it says.

As if it were a novel you were tasked to study at school, question the narrator in your mind and gather evidence to its truth or lies. At first, this will feel like a hard task. But overtime, you will become more mindful and skilled at recognising the truth versus the Unreliable Narrator’s lies.

Doing so can change your life and save your art!

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to Handle Adulthood (podcast)

Adulting is hard and nothing like we expected as kids. But we’re here, we’re adults, and it’s something we have to try to succeed at! So what do we do? I have a number of key things that can help us to navigate adulthood a little better to ensure a healthy, happy experience.

Click to play!

xx

Recognise Your Privilege: Highlighting My Own Privileges

The term “White Privilege” makes people tense up and get ready to argue about how they don’t have privilege because they have this problem and that thing. They’ve faced “racism” from black people; they’ve been poor and rejected from jobs…yadda yadda…

This shows a misunderstanding of what Privilege is, in this context. When you take emotion out of the conversation and you step back, any logical person should know that if you are white, then you do have privileges over those who aren’t. Simple. Why? Because there are many, MANY things you don’t have to worry about or consider that POC do.

But there are also many other forms of privilege (like wealth, which is usually what people think of when you mention this weighty word).

Here are some of my privileges that make my life easier than some others, to help you see what yours may be.

Mixed/ Light-skin privilege

Dark-skinned people face so much more hate than light-skin people. This is close to White Privilege because it’s kind of like, the closer you are to white (fair skinned), the more “acceptable” you are in Western society.

I have darker skin than my mixed cousins, but I am of course vastly lighter than my mother, my partner, my grandparents and uncles and aunts and in-laws. I have easier experiences than they do.

Colorism is a thing! Look it up. There is hate and friction between POC over the lightness and darkness of their skin. This is internalised racism, too, in a way.

Heterosexual Cisgender Privilege

I am “straight” and I’m a cisgender (born with that sex) woman. This means things are pretty basic for me in life, in terms of gender identity and sexual identity.

Now, I believe that gender and sexuality are complicated, but the simplest way to put it is to think of a spectrum. You’re not all one thing or another. Especially with sexuality, from my view, it’s easy to see it as a spectrum. Put straight on one end and gay on the other and most people float around that bar. I won’t label myself as bi-sexual, but I do find woman attractive. I feel like maybe I’d be 70-75% straight, 25-30% gay, but even that is too simple!

When trying to follow our old societal norms and lived conditioning, it becomes hard to understand this. You keep trying to label, categorise, explain, and put facts and figures and percentages on it.

But people aren’t that simple; we can’t be labeled and reduced down to numbers in this way!

We can hold ourselves back and drive ourselves crazy by trying to box ourselves and others in. Just love who you love, explore your desires, dress and self-express and put yourself out there in a way that feels authentically you! You are safe here with me, however you identity.

But as I am labelled in this world, I have the privilege not to worry about that, sadly.

British/ English Privilege

Being born in the UK, I have SO MANY privileges that others don’t:

Access to great educationSpeaking the English language which is a dominant languageI have no accent or struggle to language switchSafetyAccess to resourcesWealth of the countryEasy travelHeld in high regard by other countries

Able-bodied privilege

This should be obvious. You’ve never met me, perhaps, but I can walk and talk without any struggle. My physical body and abilities are pretty perfect. Pains, yes; strain and struggle, yes. But I am able-bodied and “simply” going for a walk isn’t a task for me.

I don’t have to think about whether a shop is suitable for my wheelchair or crutches. I don’t need to look for ramps. I don’t need to worry about how long it takes me to cross the road. I don’t wake up in chronic pain. I don’t get stared at for being disfigured, scarred, or having skin conditions.

Everyday life is simple for me, that makes it a privilege.

Privileges I don’t have at a glance



Cisgender male privilegeWhite privilegeMental wellness privilegeWealth privilege

Look within and be honest, how close are you to the Dominant Culture? (Cisgender male, straight, white, middle-class, able-bodied, mentally well, brown hair, Christian or non-religious). The closer you are, the more privileges you have. Simple.

And admitting that doesn’t make you evil! Please, that’s not what it’s about.

It’s about empathy and understanding struggles that others have in their everyday life that you don’t.

Sincerely,

S. xx