S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 31

Burnout, Anxiety and Self-Compassion

Have you been feeling low and anxious lately? Perhaps what you’re feeling is burnout. Here are some things that cause burnout and a few ways to avoid and combat it.

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Journal Entry on Rising Anxiety

I think right now I just don’t feel grounded at all. Like my foundations are tectonic plates shifting. It’ll either cause mountains of beauty … or an erupting volcano or a straight up earthquake. I don’t know which. I don’t feel in control of the outcome.

It’s overwhelming, confusing, tiring, discombobulating, and has caused a flare in my general anxiety and overthinking.

What’s causing this? I ask myself…

Work is still very new to me and things keep changing so there’s little stability and clarity when going into work, not truly knowing what my role is each day. So many emails, tasks, things to remember, check ups and of course online learning is horrible and I have new students – it’s a lot.

Then there’s wanting to move house. Not feeling safe and settled here. The trouble of moving all our stuff; pressure to pick a good place and neighbourhood this time around. The fear of not finding a suitable place. Fear of feeling stuck here indefinitely.

A home is crucial to wellbeing and that’s just not good right now. We can only hope we move soon and it’s the right choice so I can do my 2021 motto and root down, settle in, get grounded.

Of course, the world isn’t normal right now. No cinema for fun and to get out of the house regularly. No meet ups with friends. No regular mom and grandparent visits and cuddles. No meals out or random date nights to let off steam.

Everything can’t be perfect or even good at once but surely it’s not too much to ask for one foundation to feel good and stable?!

Patrick and Joey are great but the engagement and familial pressures still freak me out. I feel rushed and older than I feel. Like my life is on fast-forward and all laid out for me by other people.

I’m just a puppet being pulled this way and that. Somehow pulled tight at the strings, strangled, and at the same time, cut loose, floating on violent winds, untethered…

These were my thoughts in my journal today. I share these in the hope that someone else out there knows they’re not alone. I think everyone feels a least a little lost right now, whether it’s specifically about the pandemic or just in life in general. It’s a hard time of year anyway, let’s not forget, never mind in the middle of a global crisis.

I’m trying to give myself some compassion and grace. Do what I can but don’t overload myself. Speak up to those around me so that they can help. And breathing through it all…

Sending you love and guidance in these times.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Sharing Some Good News During This Time of Crisis

In this time of uncertainty and crisis, I thought it might be nice to share some personal good news. It would also be a good idea for you to reflect on any small good things from life so far this year!

I’m an aunty!

My nephew came into the world at 11pm on 26th January. He’s so gorgeous and sweet! My brother and his wife are so happy and although it was tough, the labour went well. Of course, because of the virus, we haven’t been able to see him and we don’t know when it will be appropriate to do so. So, that’s really upsetting but we’re just so happy to have a new member of the family!

Uni is going well

I’ve handled in another essay that I’m proud of and I’m enjoying my course a lot so far. I’ve just received another 2:1 and a higher mark than last time so that’s comforting and I’m very pleased with it.

It’s been a scary ride since starting in 2019 and now being halfway through my second year. By the end of this year, I’ll be starting third year! I can’t believe how fast it’s all gone, but it has been fun amongst the anxiety. I’m so glad that I finally did it.

Engagement

Patrick and I are happily engaged (despite my anxiety, I’m happy, I swear!). I’ve slowly come to terms with the idea and I feel a lot less anxiety about it lately. But engagement aside, we ourselves are in a really good place. Even though there’s nothing to do these days, we’re having fun together and appreciating our shared time. He’s also trying to learn to play the keyboard and upskill for his job.

My sister the firefighter

My sister is halfway through her Fire Service training and doing so well! She just passed another level of her training and is about to start the hard part. But she’s ready this time and I know that whatever happens, she’s been so brave and done her very, very best. It’s such a scary profession, and I’m constantly worried for her, but she wants this and she’s doing the thing and god that takes balls!

Moving forwards one and all

In general, my family are all moving forwards and levelling up in 2021 so far. I’m so proud of us all. My mom has been redecorating all alone and doing a boss ass job! Turning our family home into something for herself now has been hard but she’s moving on, getting it done, and I’m proud of her for choosing to do something for herself now that we’ve all moved out of the house.

Please share any exciting or happy news that you have going on right now. I’d love to hear it and share some positivity!

Sincerely,

S. xx

5 Personal Challenge Ideas to Set Yourself This Year

A good way to focus your year, quarter, or month is to set yourself a challenge. It doesn’t need to be a big challenge, or a particularly hard one. It is just a fun and goal-oriented way to have something productive or healthy to do for yourself.

Remember, this is a personal challenge! It’s up to you what the rules are and you should hold yourself accountable for doing it.

I completed Yoga with Adriene’s 30 Days of Yoga in January and it was a brilliant way to start the year. So, I thought I’d share some ideas for you that I’ve considered myself. Share any other ideas in the comments!

No social media challenge

This one is an important one from my perspective and another challenge I’ve done this year so far. It’s something I challenge myself to on and off often, which I would encourage everyone to try at least once!

It’s healthy to know that you are not addicted to social media. That you don’t NEED it. Because, well, you don’t. Unless it’s for your job, you don’t actually need social media in your life; you WANT it.

You want it because it fills a gap of time, it keeps you from being bored, it helps you see interesting things, and you get to stalk people! But really…aside from some inspiration and yes, connection to interesting people all over the world, it’s not something we need in our lives so much.

So, take a break. Reevaluate what you use it for and if it even serves a purpose. Prove that you don’t need it! Give yourself time to think and be bored and do more with your time!

No buy challenge

This is a new idea to me but I’ve seen some YouTubers trying to do no buy years and it’s an intriguing idea! This is for anyone who wants to save some money and/or work on your spending habits. We can be big consumers here in the Western world who buy, buy, buy without intention.

I’m someone who wants more of an intentional lifestyle, where I act with purpose and awareness, and so this is something I’d like to try, perhaps next month! (A no-buy month, not year!)

Don’t buy any new books for a year, quarter, monthDon’t buy any new clothes for a year, quarter, monthDon’t buy any new takeaway foods for a year, quarter, monthINSERT THING HERE…

No meat/ vegan/veggie meals challenge

The next one is again something I will try at some point soon. I think it’s important for us all to try to eat more vegetables! I won’t say how or tell you what to think. I just know that these are some short but hard facts to consider: plants are good for our bodies and our planet. Simple!

So, why not try a challenge that helps you to push yourself to eat more plant-based? Here are some ideas:

One week of veggie meals a monthOne day of veggie meals a weekMeat in the week, veg at the weekend (or vice versa)No dairy MondaysOne month of vegetarian mealsPescatarian meals only (still eat fish, but cut other meats)Only eat chicken, turkey and fish (not red meats, which are worse for you)

Reading challenge

You could set yourself a reading challenge this year! Some people do this naturally, others have never tried it. I’ve done this for the last few years and it’s good to have a goal. It doesn’t just have to be a set number of books. There are many book challenges and timeframes you can use to push your reading further.

Here are some ideas:

Read X number of books in a new genre to you this year (mystery, romance, erotica, historical, non-fiction, poetry)Read 24 books this year (2 a month)Read a book a week for a monthRead a book longer than 500 pagesRead books suggested by othersRead all non-fiction for a month or quarterRead all fiction for a month or quarterRead books by non-white authors

30 Days of Yoga (or other activity) challenge

And lastly, as I mentioned earlier, the yoga challenge! Luckily, Adriene has done many 30 days of yoga challenges that you can hop on any time of year. There are ones on other people’s YouTube channels, too.

Perhaps yoga isn’t your thing (though I encourage everyone to give it a real try; it’s so inclusive and good for you!). If so, why not challenge yourself to 30 days of dance workouts? 30-day ab-shred. 30 days booty buster! 30-day jogging challenge. 30-day pilates, weights, squats, and so on…

There are a plethora of 30-day (or longer or shorter) exercise-related challenges out there for you to try and the great thing about a set challenge online is that you feel accountable and like you need to show up. You will see results from the consistency.

Disclaimer: Be careful! Do what is appropriate for your life and body. Also, don’t get discouraged because you don’t see results like promised by some influencers. Everyone’s body is different, and that’s not the point! The point is to show up for yourself and feel good doing it.

BONUS CHALLENGE: 30 days of journaling! Here are some journal prompts.

There you go, some challenge ideas for 2021! Let me know what you’re thinking about doing! Good luck and remember this is about you and for you, not anyone else.

Sincerely,

S. xx

We’re Being Driven Mad By Choices and Options

In this day and age, we are living in a world of choice, options and possibilities. Sounds good, right? Wrong… Here’s why we are being made ill and driven mad by too much choice. And what we can do about it.

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xx

And I’ll Be Fine, Happy Even (poem/journal entry)

*This is a poem, of sorts, but also just a stream of consciousness about the fears and pressures I’ve faced lately…*

We’ll find a house and make it our home. Draped in cosy comforts that feel like ours. It’ll be tiring and imperfect but we’ll make it work. And I’ll be fine, happy even, just like I was for this house before…

The time will come for us to marry. The right people will be there, making it special. We’ll look great and we’ll smile until our mouths hurt. I’ll be Mrs Siana Rose Crawford-Kuduwa, connected to my families and a whole me all my own. The only Crawford-Kuduwa there is, in fact! And I’ll be fine, happy even, as I embrace the same safe and loving partnership that I have now, only one blessed and wholly shared with our names.

And after graduation, after holidays, and a new house; after writing projects and nephew time and experiences shared, we’ll decide that it’s time to extend our family and create new life. I’ll be scared but in a good way. More mature and secure in my life and our marriage, thus ready for this next big step.

I’ll bring my fear with me and it’ll make me prepare, learn, nurture, and nest for our child. The pain is growing pains for mother and child both. We will be one; connected. I haven’t connected deeply with many people, perhaps this will be my chance. My greatest bond. And I’ll be fine, happy even, because baby and I will be in good hands with Patrick, parents, siblings and friends.

Whatever happens after all of this is too far to see and write here. But I’ll trust and I’ll be fine, happy even…

(Beat anxiety with trust. With focused thought. My spiralling fears were overwhelming me but writing this focused them and made everything less scary.)

Why I’m Afraid of Commitment

I’ve always been scared of commitment in my adulthood. Committing to university, jobs, story ideas, people, plans… It’s all scary! I wanted to list some of the main reasons I’m scared of commitment because I got engaged on Christmas Day and this resulted in so much anxiety due to my fear of commitment!

(Don’t worry, I’m working on this fear!)

I still feel like a kid

I’m afraid to commit to marriage because I still feel like a child! I’m still confused and learning and scared of life. Only a year ago, I was working part-time, just started studied again, living with my mom, and wanted to change my circumstances. I needed to rebuild after a failed business venture and “level-up”. And so, yeah, to fast-forward to now and feel much happier, stable, and adult is great but it’s also been so fast. Suspiciously fast…

So, to be a “child” and confused so recently ago, marriage feels heavy and fixed and adult and serious and that’s like ahhhhhhhhhhh WTF?!

I’m scared of feeling trapped

Marriage, university, and a job has felt heavy and scary because they are things that once you’re in it, it’s hard to get out of it. Hard, but not impossible, I know. I mean I’ve quit jobs and moved on. I’ve left uni and moved on. I’ve survived those things. But I also had major mental health declines each time I did.

Now think about marriage and it’s like, damn, if things were to not work out and we needed to end the marriage, it’ll cause so much more pain, legal and financial problems that effect more than just me… That’s terrifying!

I’m scared of the financial and emotional backlash of it going wrong

Again, the pain that would come from a failed marriage is crazy. This could be summarised as the fear of failure. The fear of the pain, embarrassment, hardship, shame, confusion, and change that comes with failure. But as we know, the fear of failure just prevents you from success. Fear of failure doesn’t mean you don’t give it a good try.

If you fail, you can learn and grow from there…

I’m easily changed

You could say I’m flaky. You could say I’m creative. You could say I’m confused! I don’t know! I just change my mind a lot. I get bored easily. I like to try things and explore things, even if it’s just in my mind. I basically have a lot going on in my head and want to do all the things! But I also get scared of those things or committing to the actual doing of those things! I’m a mess!

I guess I’m sort of a free-spirit. Or someone who needs to feel free to up and change her mind. I loved this idea from Untamed by Glennon Doyle, though. The desire is to be “both free and held“. I can be held and rooted by my marriage and family, while free to be me and do me in other ways (my writing, travel, friendships etc.).

I’m easily scared

And lastly, I’m easily put off by things. Any changes or hardship comes and rocks the boat I’m in. I begin doubting everything about where I am and what I’m doing and how long I can be happy doing it for! Anxiety is prevalent in my life and grabs a hold of me often, telling me to panic and run because something is wrong…

Like I say, I promise you I’m working on this fear of commitment. Questioning where it came from and what I can do to combat it. My theme/goal for this year is to root down into my life and finally feel settled and safe. The fear of commitment doesn’t mean I don’t love my partner (or what I’m doing), it comes from many things that don’t hold truth. They are just fears. Luckily, I have an amazing fiancé who understands me and supports me and wants to marry me regardless of my flaws.

Sincerely,

S. xx

3 Things to Start & 3 Things to Stop in 2021 (podcast)

Today I’m discussing three things we’re doing too much as a society that we could do with stopping, and three things we aren’t doing enough and need to start doing in 2021.

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xx

My theme for 2021 (it changed!)

When I started thinking about my New Year theme (vibe, intentions, guiding motto), I was sure it was going to be, “being a student of life again”. And it still is important to me, and a focus for me, but I have a stronger more central and wholesome theme now:

to root down and settle into who and where I am right now.

To feel safe and comfortable and rooted in my life for once! To be at peace with where I’m at and who I am in my life without the desire to escape.

You see, in my adulthood so far, I’ve nearly always had this sense of needing to escape. This is because of my anxiety in general, being at university and then dropping out and questioning who I am and what to do. Then being unhappy in jobs. Different friendship groups. Not being sure about what to pursue. Not having money…

I’ve just never been settled and sure about things…ever. There’s always been something wrong, basically; or something being wrong has made me feel uncomfortable and anxious about everything else in my life.

What it looks like to root into my life

This means I want to just relax and finally feel less agitated. To know, at least for now, that I’m happy where I’m at and with who I am. I have a job with opportunities for progression; one where I use my natural skills and help people.

I make enough money to live with my fiancé and make a home for us. I want to be able to feel at home in my home, which is not the case with this house. We want to move again and I want to find a place that we can settle into until we can afford to buy later in life.

And lastly, my relationships. I want to accept and nurture the new dynamics of my closest relationships. I don’t live at home anymore, so there’s a new dynamic to my relationship with my mom and my sister. I need to be there for them, enjoy their company, while having my own space and free time now. And with my brother and his wife, they will have their baby here with us any day now. I need to learn how to be an amazing aunty and be there for them when they need me.

And my fiancé! I haven’t been a fiancé before! It’s a new level to our relationship and commitment, which scares me a lot. I want to be comfortable with this new level. I want to be happy and planning our wedding without running away! I’ve been with Patrick for 6 years, which is no short time. That’s nearly all of my adulthood! The main part of my adulthood, anyway.

That means we’ve been through a lot of change personally and physically. We’ve had different jobs and incomes, been students and not students, changed our hair, made new friends, been abroad on adventures, learned new skills and knowledge, lived together, got a dog together, cooked new things together, laughed and cried together, got fatter together!

He’s my partner is more ways than one; he’s my sidekick and my hero…

But I have had doubts and fears and picked apart him, myself, and us. I think anyone who knows me wouldn’t be surprised to hear that. As an anxious person, someone with a turbulent personality type (MBTI test), I do analyse and get anxious about my life a lot. Sadly, this extends to my relationship.

However, as I say, 6 years later, we’re still here. I’ve picked us apart and stayed because I can’t deny, no matter how hard my anxious brain tells me to, the power of our relationship. How great we are together; how good he is for me and to me. To ever end that relationship would be self-sabotage due to the fear of commitment, simple.

I want to work on that fear of commitment this year. Work on my insecurities. As usual, work on my mental health and anxiety triggers, so that I can walk down the aisle and into the arms of the man I’ve depended on for all my adulthood.

So, yeah…I want to root down. To be a tree, not a panicky chicken bumbling around unsure about everything! Trees grow upwards and bloom but first, they need to root down into the ground, growing beneath the surface. I want to feel settled into myself more now that my outside chaos is a little more organised and stable. Beautiful home, beautiful relationships, beautiful expressions of self…

Let’s see!

Happy New Year again!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Afraid of 2021 – Decide what’s a big deal & break things way down (podcast)

Happy New Year and welcome 2021!

Today I want you to think about and decide what is actually worthy of your stress, worries, and focus this new year. To take the pressure off because nothing is perfect or predictable – 2020 taught us that, at least.

PrioritiesAnxietyChoiceSocietal pressuresValues and importanceMinimising

Click to play!

xx