S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 27

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Father’s Day Ruminations

This Father’s Day, I’m thinking about TV dads. These wonderful, perfect men who are the hero for their children. Jack from This Is Us springs to mind alongside Randall. They are perfect men, to their kids, though utterly imperfect in reality.

And I mean, fathers kind of get to be perfect in ways mothers never get to. Mothers are the bad guys. They get a bad rep as the law-enforcers and sensible ones. No kid wants that. But of course, every kid needs it. Mothers make us feel safe behind the scenes. People put the red cape on dad but mom is the one laying the foundations for you learn the things you need to be safe in this world, no matter what is thrown your way.

Of course, I’m projecting and generalising here. I grew up without a dad. He died when I was 7; mom and dad got divorced when I was about 4. So, I never really knew him. Over the years, I’ve uncovered more pieces of who he was. He was not a hero. He was not a perfect man.

I can’t know what my life would look like today if he were here. Who would I be? Would I be better off or worse? The point is, the simple fact is, we were both robbed of the chance to know the answer.

I’m not alone in this. Whether it’s a father or mother or whoever, we all have lost someone. Whatever the circumstances of that loss or the relationship, it leaves you with a void and a limitless list of questions.

Could my dad have ever become a TV dad? Given the chance, could he have turned his life around and become something heroic and inspiring? Because we can’t judge a person’s past or subscribe them to a certain future because of it. No matter his flaws (there were many) or mistakes, could he have rectified it? Would I have allowed him to do so?

My brother is a dad now. It’s strange. I usually don’t remember Father’s Day, if I’m honest. Yes, I am so lucky to have an AMAZING grandfather and “father figure” in him, whatever that really means. But Father’s Day didn’t mean much because Mother’s Day is everything. Every day is Mother’s Day. Every day is a day I should celebrate and be grateful for the woman who brought me into this world and has never asked me to be someone I’m not, like other people have countless times.

I’m so proud to have a new idea of Father’s Day. A day to celebrate my brother who is doing fantastically. He’s scared and unsure, like all new parents, but damn is he loving and present and giving and supportive and that’s what counts (no matter your gender).

So, did I grow up feeling a loss? Yes and no. Yes, a loss of a person. I knew there could have been a “dad person” there who wasn’t. I couldn’t relate to friends moaning about theirs. In fact, it annoyed me. I’d cry seeing TV dads being so wonderful, wondering if mine could have been the same. But no, I never wanted for anything.

What do dads do that moms don’t/can’t?

Throw a ball around with me? Check.

Teach me how to change a tire? Check.

Engulf me in protective arms as I sob in emotional pain? Check, check, check…

I’m sorry if this was rambly, but I suddenly felt a wave of emotion and I write when I feel! Happy Father’s Day to the dads out there doing their thing, being imperfect but heroic anyway. Happy Father’s Day to single mothers. And Happy Father’s Day to anyone suffering a loss today. I feel the pain those questions leave behind and I hope you know that I believe your father loves you and is proud of you no matter what. Because life is hard, but you’re living it, and that’s pretty badass.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Setting Summer Goals (podcast)

Summer is officially here and so I invite you to make the most of it while it lasts!

Click to play!

xx

Undoing Series: I’m better than you because my problems are worse… erm what?!

Continuing the Undoing Series, I wanted to talk about our obsession with competition, even for things we don’t actually need or want to “win” at. As the title suggests, I mean how we compete over who has it worse! It’s ridiculous, right, but I bet you’ve said the following before:

Well I didn’t sleep at all last night because I have a newborn, so try being me!

Oh yeah, well I have shoulder pain, leg pain and hip pain!

You worked for 8 hours? Try working a 12-hour shift, on-call, plus overtime! I’m way more stressed than you are!

We want people to know that we sleep less, feel more physical pain, and work harder. Why? Because it’s impressive to be who we are despite our struggle? Perhaps. But I also think that when we feel like we’re not winning in other ways, so we feel this need to “win” by having more pain or struggle compared to others.

Bottom line: we all want to feel like we are winning, no matter the “competition” we feel we’re in.

Crazy, right? But actually so true that it’s scary.

Where does this need to compete come from? I think it’s to do with our ego. How we identify. Sadly, we often identify with our struggle. I’m a bad writer. I’m a struggling single mother. I’m an uneducated, entry-level worker making little money. We identify this way and therefore find it hard to detach from this thing we identify with; this pain we apparently don’t want but struggle to let go of.

Because who are we if we do?

We defend our problems, weaknesses, and struggle as if we want them but constantly complain about having these things in our lives. I know someone who seems deaf to any positive beliefs about who they are. Like yes, you struggled with X thing, but you did it, go you, remember that! And they’re like, nah, I struggled and I will always struggle. But why defend this weakness or fear as if you can live without it? If there is another truth to believe?

Because if I don’t protect my weaknesses, who am I and what can I do? I no longer have an excuse not to do things…

Whoa!

This is hard to accept but I think it’s true for a lot of us. If I’m not a struggling writer, then I have no excuse not to write and publish. If I’m not a tired, overworked employee then I have no excuse not to work on myself and my goals. If I’m not a martyred mother, I have no excuse not to be something other than a mother.

Harsh, yes, but true.

We are our own worst enemy. Self-sabotage is the greatest form of sabotage because let’s be real, we aren’t living in a movie where people are out to get us and foil our plans of becoming successful! The biggest baddie in our lives is ourselves.

And so, we self-sabotage by defending our pain and competing with others for who has it worse! If we focus on who has it worse, we get to excuse ourselves for not being where we want to be in life.

These competitions, no matter what they are, are simply a distraction from the things we actually care about and want to do.

If we reverse things and pretend it’s not a competition about pain but instead other things like our goals or success, are these competitions meaningful? Perhaps. If you are inspired and motivated by competition, then go ahead! Compete. Tell yourself that someone else is working harder than you in order to get yourself up off your ass and get working. But…

You need to know yourself. You need to know what is motivating versus what is hindering your progress and depleting your energy.

I am a competitive person. I used to be an athlete when I was younger, so this makes sense. But there are a lot of times when this has been unhealthy. Where I can’t have fun out at bowling or darts or golf because I want to win so badly that I become desperate and bitter. I’m stealing from myself because I’m in a competition that I don’t need to be in. I know that if I just have fun, it’s a better time with people I care about, and not to mention the fact that I’ll probably perform better because I’m not taking it so damn seriously and psyching myself out!

Lastly, I would encourage you to begin to notice when you feel the need to compete and defend yourself.

Who are you with when you put your guard up and get the big guns out?

This is often because of the fear of judgment or shame. You’re ashamed of yourself for calling yourself a writer yet struggling to write anything, and so you get defensive and begin to compete. I didn’t write today because I didn’t sleep and I have a child to care for and you don’t!

But ask yourself whether that person is actually judging or attacking you. If they are, maybe talk to them honestly about it and how it makes you feel (if it’s someone you care about). If it’s someone you don’t care about, then practice the art of walking away in order to protect your inner peace. We can get defensive and feel attacked when in reality, it’s our shame triggers at play here making us feel attacked when no one is in fact looking to harm us.

Takeaways:Ask yourself why you are defending your problems and pain; what meaning or purpose does it serve?Ask yourself if you’re actually in a competition and if you can decide not to beAsk yourself if competition gives you energy or takes it awayAsk yourself when you feel the most competitive, who with, and why?As I mentioned in my jealousy podcast episode, can we ask those who are “beating us” in life for help on how to be as successful as they are? Ask where the competition came from and ask if maybe you were put in a race that you don’t want to be a part of!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Why You Don’t Need to Be An Expert – So Stop Trying! (podcast)

Today I’m inspiring you with some advice on why you shouldn’t bother worrying too much about being an expert or the best at something.

Click to play!

BONUS content:

I didn’t think about this while recording but here are some things to be instead of an expert:

A beginnerSomeone who asks questionsCuriousSeeker of knowledgeSomeone who seeks a mentorA trierA hard workerPassionate and dedicated to the thingSomeone with a Growth MindsetSomeone who explores their skills and interestsSomeone who mixes things up and tries things in new ways

Sincerely,

S. xx

Trying to explain what anxiety and panic feels like

Your thoughts come in rogue waves, tumbling and fumbling over one another, demanding to be heard.

Hot electricity bolting through your veins without pattern or prediction.

Bubbling, boiling bile acidic in your stomach and growing wider and wider.

Breaths caught between your chest and your throat, rising falling rising falling rising falling in quick sharp rallies.

Thick sweat lining your hands and feet, no matter how many times you wash them.

Clenched teeth tight and gnawing in your mouth, jaw rigid and stiff.

Bad breath or a horrid taste in your mouth, your tongue feeling too big to rest in your mouth, too thick and heavy.

Foot or leg jig jig jiggling up down up down up down up down until it aches, until you notice, you stop it, then it starts again up down up down up down…

Afraid to speak too much for fear you might throw up

Breathlessness and tiredness from speaking

Feeling of paralysis in your limbs, they feel heavy and numb and achy, requiring too much energy to move them

A fluttering like a thousand moths in flight in your chest.

Sobbing tears run down your face, pooling in your neck or if you’re lying down they fall into your ears.

Feeling a deafness to sounds around you because they enlarge and blur together and muffle in your ears .

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This comes from a night of pure panic. It was spurred on by too much caffeine, my period, and fear about a coming event/something we needed to do. It is an erratic explanation because that’s just it, anxiety isn’t logical and simple and linear. It doesn’t make sense. It’s borne of confusion and lack and fear and no trust and yeah, it’s sucks. That’s all there is to it.

What I want from my life… (journal entry)

Actually, I do want to settle down. I want the beautiful home that welcomes me everyday with comfort and security. I want a husband I trust unconditionally, who supports me and helps me when I’m weak and failing but claps for me when I’m strong and succeeding. I want to meet my children and find out who they are. I want fascinating conversations and cosy nights in with my self-made family unit. Finally, a tribe of my own that gets me and loves me without restrictions.

I want to travel to see beautiful things. I want to take my time to see the world across a lifetime, always knowing there’s something hidden a plane away that will reinvigorate my energy and perspective on life. I want to eat good, clean, delicious foods that make me feel wonderful inside and dance in my chair as I’m eating it. I want to read captivating books that make me lose myself in another world, another life, while educating and inspiring my own life. I want to feel alive, and be reminded of it whenever I forget what that means.

I want to write stories that remind other people what it’s like to be alive, too. I want to craft worlds that captivate and excite even me. I want to feel like the stories are writing themselves and I’m just the middle-man, the helping hand. I want my characters to feel real and raw and fascinating. I want them to be people I know, whose stories I simply share with the world. I want a loyal fanbase of readers who enjoy my storytelling and want to meet me and discuss worlds and characters and ideas with massive nerdy grins on our faces.

I want all this and more. I proclaim it to the universe, to all who want to listen. I’m not asking for much. I won’t need millions in my bank account, although I wouldn’t deny it if it came my way. I don’t need crazy experiences that thrill and chill every month. I don’t need many partners or sexual experiences. I don’t need huge social events or a long list of friends. I don’t need to live on a plane, always going somewhere new and never setting down roots. I just need real good people, real good experiences, and a home that feels like home…

What do you want from life? Have you ever sat back and asked yourself this question? Maybe what you thought you wanted wasn’t the case or has changed recently? Revisit this idea often to help keep you on track, to stop self-sabotaging, and to help you to make the right decisions.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Social anxiety worsened by the pandemic?

Now that the Western world seems to be going back to some form of normal, not to mention that it is summer, the invites are pouring out!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy that people want to see me. I’m grateful and overjoyed that they seek my company. However, I’m anxious.

Anxious because I always am when it comes to an invite?

Anxious because even though my social anxiety is worlds better than it used to be, it has still been so long since I was out and about socially?

Anxious because I’ve been super busy lately and unlike some people, when it comes to time off, I just want to relax and go inward? (As an introvert who works in a school, I need time to decompress).

I think it’s a mixture of them all.

Again, I’m so grateful. It’s amazing to have people who care about you and want to be around you. I’m so lucky to have people in my life.

I’m just tired. And nervous. And it’s a bit much.

I think it’s perfectly normal even if you have never suffered with social anxiety to feel anxious about social interactions right now. Either anxious because you’re afraid of catching something still. Or anxious about being around people you’ve not seen in a while. Or anxious about the pressures of conversation in general and bridging that gap.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Remember to take it slow if you need to. Remember that those who love you understand. Remember you’re not alone.

Tips:

Don’t overdo itCareful with drinking if you haven’t socially in a while; it might hit you harder than you think!Don’t go just because you feel you have toDo go even if you’re afraid, as you will never get over the fear if you keep hiding awayMaybe go out for an hour at first, to test the waters Speak about how odd it feels, maybe your friends or family feel the same way!

Does anyone resonate with this? I’m sure it’s not just me!

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to Befriend Your Jealousy (podcast)

Jealousy, like all emotions, serves a purpose. Today, I’m talking about what that purpose is and how we can use our jealousy instead of being consumed by it or letting it turn us ugly.

Click to play!

xx

How to Begin to Let Go of Control (podcast)

I am someone who looks for control in all situations and to be honest, it’s exhausting. We can’t control everything, so why bother? Today I’m doing a personal and honest conversation about our need for control, why it’s no good for us, and what to do instead.

Click to play!

xx