S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 28

Anti-Perfectionist & Reality Checking Messages for Your Week!

In keeping with the theme of the Undoing Series with the Control, Compete, Create culture cycle I think a lot of us are stuck in, I wanted to pop in with a calmer post with just some quotes, inspo, and messages from me which I feel are anti-perfectionist and a good reality reminder!

Here they are… (read as needed)

You actually have a lifetime to read those classic books. It’s okay to read your fantasy or cheesy romances for now, if that’s what calls to you.

There’s always someone who’s better than you at something. Even at the thing you value most. Always. So stop competing; there’s no point.

Other people aren’t your competition. Your fears are.

Whatever the question, your values are the answer. Know them, keep them close, make decisions with them in mind.

Practice mindfulness and awareness by being aware of where you are right now and how you feel. Be here.

There actually is no race or timeline or deadline. They’re all made up in our heads.

People really don’t care about what you do as much as you think they do.

There’s always a new thing to steal people’s attention, they won’t remember that thing you said or that mistake you made as much as you will. Let it go.

“Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better.” – Maya Angelou

Doing your best will look different everyday.

Help others. Celebrate others. Do so, and it will come back to you.

“Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.” – Rumi

Allow yourself to be the beginner and learn through doing.

How often do you berate people for their mistakes and missteps? Right, so why would others do the same to you?

Embrace, value and seek ENOUGH. Allow your work to be enough. Your productivity to be enough. Your love, your money, your words, your self, your life.

You are not a robot. You are not expected to run yourself into the ground to please others or get to some imagined destination. Take breaks. Look after yourself. Love the journey.

There is more to life than being the best at something!

Write shoddy poetry. Do a shoddy workout. Make a shoddy joke! It’s freeing!

What’s the worse, truly, that would happen if you didn’t get the best grade, the gold medal, the “you’re the best” statement from someone? There’s always next time. And actually, it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Ask yourself, will this matter in 5 years? No? Then try not to spend over 5 minutes thinking about it!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Confessions of an Overthinking Mind (podcast)

For a few weeks, I’ve felt a little off. Not bad, just off. An ickiness has settled into my body and I’ve needed a shift in energy to get rid of it. I’ve analysed myself, hated myself, beat myself up. I’ve been a perfectionist and berated myself for not stacking up.

Here are my confessions in an open and honest discussion about how I’ve felt lately.

Click to play…

xx

Undoing Series: Our Perfectionist Culture

I am going to make a massive generalisation and say that many of us in the Western world are struggling (or have) with perfectionism. This is not a diagnosis or anything, but I think many of us want to (or try to) be perfect and can often take this too far.

Have you ever thought or said the following?

I can’t post this photo, I look weird or the angle is off (when you’re not even a photographer or have a photography account so it doesn’t matter)I don’t want to start/try yoga (INSERT THING HERE) because I’ll look stupidIt’s still not ready yet (*Spongebob voice* 20 years later…)I only got a B…I’m useless and a failure and I will never get a good job or have a house or do anything with my life worthwhileI didn’t tick off everything on my to-do list, I’m a failure

They may seem extreme, but we all have thought this at least once, right? And why? Because to be anything but perfect means you’re weak, a failure, useless, unworthy, trash… Erm, no.

“If I can’t be perfect, I can’t speak” – Brene Brown

The oh so wise Brene Brown speaks a lot about perfectionism, so I’d highly recommend you to read or listen to her work if you haven’t already. I’m going to say that our culture is very perfectionist, hence we as people are. Only if you have parents who have broken this cycle will you, perhaps, have a healthier mindset in regards to your actions and your success.

Because perfectionism is about feeling like if you fail you will be shunned by society. That if you don’t get validation from others as being the best, that means you’ll die alone. This may seem hilarious (because it kind of is) but our evolution solidifies this idea.

In the past, if we weren’t accepted then we risked being alone and therefore vulnerable to the wilderness of sabretooth tigers and mammoths eating us or something. That we’d starve alone without our tribe. So, I get it, but we’re not cavemen anymore, my friends.

Think about it, we all love a good underdog story. We love seeing people go from failure to success. We love to be inspired by stories of struggle…and yet, we don’t let ourselves struggle and fail. Why?

You might be thinking: what is wrong with wanting to be the best? And I hear you. But these aren’t the same thing. Wanting to be your best means striving for better and perseverance and learning and growing, right? But perfectionism is “I’m not worthy unless I am seen as perfect” which is unobtainable and paralysing.

There’s no point in my doing this thing unless I can do it perfectly! And so, I’m not even going to try. What kind of nonsense is that?!

But this is perfectionism and knowingly or unknowingly, we are all falling victim to it.

Perfectionist thoughts I’ve hadI’m too scared to go to a yoga class until I’m good at yoga at home (wow, so silly!)I don’t want to start a podcast because I don’t have the right voice or equipment to be popularWhy can’t I be the best at my job in my team?Everyone is going to laugh at me for being a poor (reader, writer, speaker, yogi, activist, employee, etc.)

Perfectionism is linked to shame and fear. It’s the fear of failure. The fear of everyone judging you. The fear that what other people think or the outcome of something you do means you’re not worthy and therefore you can’t possibly live.

We damage our mental health by being unaware of our perfectionist thoughts. We self-sabotage and hold ourselves back in life by aiming to be perfect and not allowing ourselves to be just good; to fail and try again. We hurt ourselves again and again by holding ourselves to a standard that is unrealistic and unreachable.

We combat perfectionism by…

Accepting that we can’t be good at everythingBeing the beginner and have a growth mindset (learning and growing through challenges)Actively trying new things and allowing ourselves to be bad at firstCelebrating others in their achievements and the things they are better atEmbracing “good enough” in the things we doUnderstanding our shame triggersLaughing at ourselvesGetting back up when we don’t succeedNot comparing ourselves to others (especially those who are in a completely different place in their lives to us! Financially, culturally, values, beliefs, goals etc.)

Not succeeding isn’t the same as failure. Failure is quitting. Failure is a colossal f-up which most of us won’t have. Instead, if something wasn’t the best, you’ll live. You can try again. If something didn’t go to plan, that’s fine, try a new angle. If something was graded a massive F, then still, you get to do better next time.

With the mindset of “failure doesn’t hurt me” or “failure doesn’t dictate my future,” you free yourself from a perfectionist mindset and a perfectionist culture.

Perfect is the enemy of good – Voltaire

Keep checking back each week for a new post about Undoing the Control, Create, Compete culture cycle!

Sincerely,

S. xx

How My Fitbit Has Inspired Me (podcast)

I bought myself a Fitbit for my birthday and it has piqued something in me…

Click to play!

xx

Undoing Series: Reality Checking

I wanted this to be the first post in the Undoing series because it’s the most important. If you don’t read any others, that’s fine, but this one will help you with all the other areas because it’s more of a tool than a concept or abstract idea.

When it comes to feeling low about yourself and feeling not good enough because of the Control, Create, Compete culture cycle, it’s important to have awareness of why. So, as my life advice motto goes, we start with awareness!

It’s like a spidey sense attune to the narrative playing in your head.

The start of any journey of Self and happiness comes from noticing and witnessing the dialogue in your head and how it is affecting your daily life.

What you think affects what you feel and what feel affects how you act.

Mindlessness or automated living and basically going through life blind to your thoughts and feelings is dangerous. You don’t need to become too self-aware, which I think can lead to self-consciousness if you’re not careful, but turning the dial a little and tuning into that vocabulary is key to freedom and peace within yourself.

What is reality checking?

If you now feel you are aware of the things going through your head, it’s time to reality check.

This is because your thoughts and feelings aren’t the whole truth. They are a signal. They are feedback, as Mark Manson puts it. They are information that highlights a deeper belief, experience, trauma, expectation, or agreement within yourself.

Reality checking is as it sounds: you are checking the validity of what you are thinking and feeling. You are holding it up to the light and seeing if it holds any real truth.

“I am a loser compared to my siblings.

I am never going to be a successful writer.

I will be a bad mother.

I will never make enough money to not struggle in life.“

These are all thoughts that I’ve had before and have had to hold under the microscope to see if they are true. So, how do we reality check? Here are some ideas…

Reality checking as a tool

Questioning is the key to reality checking. You can either do this in your own head, in a journal, or with a trusted person or mental health professional (I’ve done them all!).

Here are some generic questions to ask:

How do I know this for sure?

What evidence do I have to prove that this is true?

Who has said this to me in the past?

Would I say this about or to my best friend or partner?

Where did this come from today?

How am I feeling today, because it may have lead to this thought?

What does it mean if this is true?

If this is true, does it mean it always has to be true or can I do something about it?

What help do I need to change how I feel about this? Who has been through this?

So, specifically for my thoughts listed above, I could ask:

What metrics am I using when comparing myself to my siblings? Do they compare themselves to me, too? Are we even in competition or should we be celebrating and learning from one another? Who decides the winner and loser?How can I know for sure that I will never be a successful writer? (The only way I solidify that is if I give up!) Again, what metrics am I basing “success” on? Money, popularity, critical acclaim? How it feels within? A small community of fans? Am I a bad friend? A bad sister? A bad daughter? A bad partner? How could I know I will be a bad mother? Am I not caring, responsible, organised, loving, empathetic, creative, open-minded, fair? I’m making more money than I have before, doesn’t it stand to reason that I can continue to make more as I learn and grow and qualify for pay rises? Being good with money is also a way to “have more” and I’m learning every year in that area, aren’t I? I have skills and interests enough to change career paths and make more money, too.

We can believe our thoughts even without knowing that we do. There are thoughts that loop around. There are thoughts attached to core beliefs.

If you let these kinds of thoughts ruminate they go through your psyche wreaking havoc and causing harm. You end relationships you don’t need to. You give up on pursuits. You self-sabotage and create problems that aren’t necessary.

We’ll go into more ways and reasons to reality check in the coming weeks, but your homework is to pay attention and document the thoughts you’re having and if you can, begin reality checking them and see how you feel afterwards.

“Perception is reality,” so be careful with what you perceive to be your truth…

Sincerely,

S. xx

Freeing Ideas Towards Inner Peace (podcast)

My most sacred value is Peace and one of my lifelong goals is inner peace. If you, like me, want a gentle and peaceful life, then here are just a few of my ideas that will grant you more of a peaceful life.

Click to play!

xx

The Undoing Series: The Control, Create, Compete Culture Cycle

In the last podcast episode, I came up with this idea: Control, Create and Compete Culture. We’ll call it the 3Cs. Today I will be walking you through what I mean by these things and why we (some of us) have a toxic relationship with them in our society today.

Control

Firstly, control. I have a bad relationship with control as someone who has an anxious/turbulent personality. I like to be in control or feel in control of everything around me. That doesn’t mean I like to step up and take lead, it means when someone else is leading I just don’t want to show up in those scenarios or I limit them or fret the whole time I’m in them!

Control is something we all desire at some point. The reason we fear the future is because we can’t control it. We fear trying new things because we don’t know if we can do them and therefore have little control over the outcome.

Why do we strive for control? Because controlling means minimising undesirable outcomes. Control means minimising pain and suffering.

The problem with this one should be obvious: we can’t control everything and trying to is a recipe for failure and upset. Instead there are a small number of things we can actually control.

Things we can control:What we do each dayWhat we sayHow we dressHow we treat peopleWhat we eatWhat we focus onHow we choose to see ourselves, our lives, and the world and life we live inHow we deal with our emotions and thoughtsThings we can’t control:Other peopleWhat happens in the worldThe weatherThe outcome or perspective others take on our actionsWhat people think about usWho loves usWho or what we love (not really)What we think (I know people usually put these on the other list, but more often than not we have uncontrollable thoughts; it takes a lot, at times, to shift those thoughts so I put it here)When we die; or when others die

The point is too many of us try to control the things outside of ourselves and this sets us up to feel bad. We control with such strictness because we fear that the narrative of ourselves and our lives will be lost if we ever let go of the wheel.

This is not true.

Create

I know what you’re thinking, how can this be bad? I agree. Creation of all kinds is beautiful and needed in the world. However, I don’t mean creativity here, I mean the creation of a personal narrative. We are all playing this game one way or another. The game of “look at my life, look at me, I’m worthy, see??”

And isn’t that sad?

Because it means we don’t quite feel good enough about ourselves to get that validation and self-worth from within. We are constantly posting on social media or showing off to our friends and co-workers in order to be deemed worthy and valued.

You may disagree. And if this wasn’t my own post, I probably would, too. I don’t think I show off. I barely post on socials anymore. I’m not seeking validation! But I am. Otherwise I wouldn’t have cried myself to sleep thinking I’m not good enough. I typed in my journal app that I know how great I am in reality but it frustrates me that no one sees me the way I am. That I find it hard to articulate myself properly. That my inner world is richer than how I present myself in the outer world.

Translation: I don’t feel validated, seen, approved of, valued, understood by other people.

People who feel comfortable (or even better, confident) in who they are and what they do don’t seek it from outside of themselves. Again, it’s an uncontrollable metric for success, happiness and worthiness. You can’t control what other people think of you and it is not a sustainable source of energy for you.

So, we are all creating this narrative to prove we are worthy, but this is a waste of our talents. A waste of our storytelling abilities.

Compete

Of course the last one is more obvious: we are all competing with one another. I’m getting breathless, running this race. My neck hurts from looking all around me at what other people are doing and how happy and successful and worthy they are compared to me.

Common competitions:My house is bigger than yoursMy car is cooler than yoursMy house or car is more expensive than yoursMy hair is curlier and bigger than yoursMy hair is longer and sleeker than yoursMy knowledge of World History is better than yoursMy wage is bigger than yoursMy partner is hotter than yoursMy meals are better than yoursMy savings account and investments are better than yoursMy social media accounts are attracting more attention than yoursMy abs are better than yoursAnd so on…

These 3Cs are all linked because we control our lives to create a narrative in order to compete with other people and win at life.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We’re not doing this on purpose. Most people don’t realise the toxic cycle of controlling, creating and competing that they are stuck in. I didn’t, until the idea came to me in the podcast about overwhelm. Because it is overwhelming to constantly feel like you have to control everything; you have to be on your A-game to create a perfect image of yourself; that you are in a race against other people.

Maybe you’re competing with your siblings (like me). Maybe it’s friends. Maybe it’s your partner. Maybe it’s your colleagues. Maybe it’s your parents’ expectations. Maybe it’s your children. Maybe it’s strangers on social media. Maybe it’s with your past self. Maybe it’s with the idea of your future self.

Either way, it’s draining. Stop running, leave the race.

And yes, I do blame social media for this. It’s not ONLY that. I think we are just seeing into people’s lives too much and so we assign new meaning to all of our own actions and what we feel we should do and who we feel we should look like and impress.

It’s exhausting.

The Undoing Series

I would like to do a series of posts on this topic and undo the damage of societal conditioning. Big task! Last year I did the Finding Clarity Series which was liberating and important. So much so, I revisited it this year to re-centre and refocus this Spring.

I would like this series to focus on ways we can find peace and self-validation instead of giving into the control, create, compete culture cycle for the rest of our lives.

Topics I want to cover:

Reality checking ourselvesPerfectionismHustle culturePerformance cultureMetrics for success (a new look, hopefully)Active self-validation*EssentialismSimplifyingUnplug and reconnect

Stay tuned for more!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Ranting About Overwhelm and Societal Exhaustion

Today I’m ranting about how overwhelm and exhaustion are a given in our society right now. How unhealthy and yet easy it is to feel stressed and tired from the amount of information we are exposed to and the number of things we’re expected to do in order to be worthy.

Nah thanks!

Click to play!

xx

26 of the Best Experiences of My 26 Years

Today is my birthday and so I’m sharing 26 of the best experiences of my life so far. This isn’t to brag or to force you to do these, but to encourage you to look back at all you’ve done and appreciate the experiences and lessons they gave you.

So, in no particular order, here are 26 of my best experiences:

Going abroad aloneQuad Bike safari experienceGoing to South AfricaFinding love and committingLearning how to cook and trying new thingsWorking in a schoolGetting a dog!Running a Wolf Run (10k obstacle race)Writing for all of my life in many forms (and publishing/sharing my creations)AcupunctureCreating a podcastSwinging from Europe’s Highest SwingCreating my blogParasailingGoing to Harry Potter Warner Bros Studios in London (4 times…)Leaving jobs or places I wasn’t happy or healthy inTaking jobs and doing a course I didn’t think I was capable of doingMoving out into my own space with my partnerReading more often and more widelyMeeting new people and forming new friendshipsCountless trips to the cinema and even outdoor cinemasGoing to therapy (4 times)Starting to do yoga, meditation and journalingHosting my own local Mental Health Awareness event; speaking at a Mental Health Awareness fashion show Attending author events to hear them speak (especially the 5 authors who are black women)Meeting my nephew/the new generation being born into my family

Why? Why were these my best experiences? Instead of a long explanation for each, which you don’t have time for, here are some they have in common:

They took bravery because I was most likely terrified to my core and almost didn’t do themThey were thrilling which reminds me what living and being alive isThey took me out of my comfort zoneThey tested old beliefs I have about myself and my lifeThey helped me to grow and changeThey were healthy decisionsThey were daring decisionsThey align with my valuesThey were fun!They enabled me to connect to others more deeplyThey helped me understand myself betterThey were creative and freeing

Happy birthday to me! Thank you for your continued support and attention, it means the world…

Sincerely,

S. xx

Birthday Thoughts: 5 Things I’m Working On & 5 Things I’m Proud Of (podcast)

Tomorrow is my birthday! In true birthday fashion, I have been thinking about things I would like to work on and focus on improving in my life. However, there are many things I’m proud of in my life and what I do, and so I’m appreciating these things about myself and remembering to keep going!

Click to play!

xx