S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 36

100 Little Things to Be Happy About

This list started off as 50, then 75, then 100! I’m sorry, I just love lists so much!

It can be so easy to slip into complaining or worrying about things not being the way we want them to be. But every day, there are hundreds of little blessings being sent our way which we are missing.

Take your time to read this list and refer back to it when you’ve forgotten to smile about the little things in life – which are, after all, rather big…

How excited your dog is to see youSmell of porridgeNapsOpening a new bookThat click of your back when you get a good stretch or twistCandlesA morning showerPixar moviesAmazon parcel deliveries“I know right!” aka vibing with someoneThinking up a small poem randomly in the dayForehead kissesSeeing your momFreshly cleaned bedsheetsLying on someoneRunning full speed down a clear pathFreshly washed, dry towelWord gamesSeeing your grandparentsThinking of something and randomly smiling to yourself (hopefully this list does that for you!)FlowersWriting listsDancing to your favourite songSinging to your favourite songYour childhood cartoonsYour pet’s head resting on your as they sleepSomeone special playing with your hairMassages on your neck or shoulders or feetGoing to the parkLooking through old photosHarry Potter marathonsCrisp autumn leavesLong sunny summer daysSunrisesSunsetsWaking without an alarmAn outfit that feels great on youGetting lost in reading for agesYour favourite youtuber has posted a new videoA new season of your favourite showSlippers and dressing gownsA cat’s purringYour dog has a fresh trimYou have a fresh trimGetting your eyeliner and mascara right the first time!Morning fresh airQuiet morning walksThat new game you wanted to playBlanket daysRainy days when you don’t need to leave the houseSleepy SundaysFinishing a bookA new journalNo makeup daysThe euphoria and good ache after a workoutFinding the moon in the daytimeSmiles and “morning!” from strangersCuddling on the sofa (with someone or pet)Discovering a new word that rolls nicely off the tongueFinally being able to do that yoga pose (or other) that you used to struggle withDecluttering your wardrobeTidying and cleaning your spaceA new lip or nail colour that makes you feel like a goddess!The radio playing consistently banging songs“Remember when…”The first sip of coffee or teaFinding someone who loves a show or book as much as you doFresh fruit or vegHugging someone for longer than 10 secondsCooking a tasty mealWhen the food arrives at the tableDecoratingBaking cakesA new song or album that just gets you in every wayInside jokesGrass or sand on bare feetPopcornFluffy socksWindow seatsSun filtering in through the windowsRainbowsDouble rainbows!Kittens and puppies and small furry thingsOnomatopoeiaAccents and foreign languagesNew beginningsSpringBabies cooingA child’s wonderSomeone standing up for youJumpers and cardigansColoursNew notebooksButterfliesSwingsThe opening of a budText messages or calls from friends or loved ones just asking how you are; “I was thinking about you…“ItalicsA new month on the calendar and a clean slateYour favourite author has released a new book

When we forget the little things, we become deeply sad. When we remember them, we are eternally grateful.

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to fight toxic productivity and perfectionism

I am someone who feels better about myself when I have a productive day, week, or month. When I get a lot done. This sense of achievement is what makes me feel good about myself.

But this isn’t good.

There is a difference between productivity and toxic productivity. Between aiming for your best and perfectionism. 

 

What is toxic productivity?

Toxic productivity is when you take being productive too far. Where you never allow yourself to stop and rest (a YouTuber literally said in a video that he pees in the shower in the morning because why waste time doing those tasks separately…like WTF?!)

That every little thing you do, every space of time, needs to be taken up by something that is important, goal or habit-oriented; where you’re producing and producing and doing, doing, doing endlessly.

We all need space to rest and just be, though…

 

This modern age has drawn us into this toxic loop of productivity and also perfectionism for a few reasons that I won’t dive deep into with this post (but have been mentioned in more detail in other posts). But it comes from, in part:

Social media (peering into everyone’s lives and wanting to copy)YouTube productivity hack videosWanting to do and have it allComparisonFear of Missing OutOptions, choices and overwhelm

There’s so much to do, see, eat, be, work on, etc that we drive ourselves crazy trying to stuff it all into 24 hours, thus needing to be “productive” and switched on and “perfect” all the time…

Wow…how draining?

There is no such thing as perfect. We will NEVER, EVER, be able to do it all. “Busy” and “productive” are two very different, often opposing, things.

 

How to fight toxic productivity and perfectionismWrite a to-do list and let things not be ticked off

This is a massive one for people obsessed with being productive, getting things done and being seen as perfect. Instead, how would it feel if you still created your to-do list but you actually allowed yourself not to tick everything off?

Would you be okay with it? Or stay up late getting everything done?

I dare you to let it go. To allow yourself to let your to-do lists be unfinished often. It’s okay! As long as you’re still ticking things off in some capacity, you’re okay! You’re being productive just enough. Give yourself some compassion and grace.

 

Every so often, share something that’s not been proofread

This is definitely one for those who post on social media, have a blog, or produce and share content of any kind. Why not try at least once to post and share something that’s not proofread. That’s not perfect. That has mistakes and you’re like “oh, well!“

How would that feel? Would it kill you? Probs not!

I get it, you have a reputation and don’t want to seem unprofessional. But people are imperfect, and your readers or viewers should know that, too. In fact, they’ll be happy to see you make a mistake and it subconsciously gives them the “permission” to make mistakes, too.

 

Set two goals: an attainable goal and a dream goal

For example, this week I’m at 40k in my story. I could set the attainable goal of reaching 45k and then the dream goal of reaching 50k.

The reason for that is because it helps you to still have goals and push yourself to do something for yourself. But it allows you to be realistic and fair, while also dreaming and pushing the limits. If you reach the dream goal, great, but if you don’t, you still achieved something that was good enough.

More of us need to strive for “good enough“. I think that this has a bad rep but we’re not looking at it literally enough. “Good enough” is good! It means that thing is enough for us; enough for us to be happy. Is there more? Sure. Would that be great? Of course. But what we have is pretty darn good, too!

This can be adopted for thinking about ourselves, too. Giving ourselves compassion and love for who we are and seeing it as enough. Instead of striving and hoping and pushing and wishing we were better all the time.

Allowing room for “good enough” ensures that we don’t fall into the perfectionist mindset, where nothing is good enough. Where we’re so afraid to make a mistake or fall short that we don’t try or we don’t put ourselves out there. That only causes paralysis.

 

So, these were just three ideas but there are many ways that you can push the boundaries and basically give yourself permission to make mistakes, to do less, and to be free to just be! Enjoy your life a little more and let go; you only get one, make sure you stopped to smell the roses. 

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

 

Stages of Life and What it Means for You

Do you know where you’re at in life? Does it matter? Can you define the current stage you’re in and what it demands of you?

What’re your intentions right now?
What’s your purpose?
What’s the point of/ reason for this stage?
What do you need to learn?
What do you need to do?
Who do you need to be?
What’s your focus in this stage of life?

Let’s discuss…

“You can’t be somewhere that you’re not.”

Click to play!

https://srcrawfordauthor.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/stages-of-life-and-what-they-mean-for-you.m4a

xx

Race and Self-Worth: Why It’s Important to Find People Who Look Like You

Answer this question: How would you feel if you never saw anyone like you succeed? If you never saw anyone who looked like you doing what you want to do with your life?

Yeah, a lot of people face this daily.

They don’t see people who look like them doing impressive things…not nearly enough, anyway.

And this is important. This affects what we believe is possible for us…

Here are just some of the things I’ve thought about in my own life:

 

Actively seeking black or brown yogis and fit women as inspiration

Why does it matter if I’m inspired by Serena Williams, not Reece Witherspoon? Because I don’t look like Reece. Though I could follow her lifestyle, take inspiration, all of that.

At the end of the day, she doesn’t look like me and there will still be this idea – though it isn’t true, of course – that she has her success because she’s white. Or she’s fit but I can’t do it, too. Not because POC can’t be fit. Or that white people can’t inspire POC. But just because of the internalised racism. And because, well, what you see affects you.

As illogical as it is, it’s a powerful message to the brain that says, “This image doesn’t suit you personally. This is not you. This will never be you.”

[image error]

POC celebs who are fit and living healthy lifestyles:

Nathalie Emmanuel
Serena Williams
Michelle Obama
Kerry Washington
Halle Berry
Alicia Keys
Zoe Saldana
Angela Bassett
Gabrielle Union
Jada Smith
Keke Palmer
Tyra Banks

But seeing a woman (or other) who looks like you in some way living the healthy lifestyle you’re seeking is truly the epitome of motivation.

Your brain finally says, “Oh okay, yeah, I think this is us. This could be us. Let’s do it!”

 

Black travellers

If you’re black (or generally not white, I assume, but I can’t speak for people or things I don’t know), you will have likely said or thought at some point, “Nah, that’s for white people.” 

This is said in jest a lot of the time, but there are some things that some people truly believe are just for “white people” or privileged people.

Travel is one of those things.

Sadly, there are parts of the world that are less safe for POC. Where you may be subject to violent racism and abuse. Yes, white people may feel out of place in majority-black or Asian countries, but they won’t feel necessarily unsafe in general. They may be robbed in poorer countries, but that’s the same for any tourist – just being white comes with the assumption of wealth, so naturally white people may more easily be considered foreign people with wealth to take.

Anyway, it helped me a lot to find black travel bloggers and vloggers. POC travelling the world and telling their fellow POC where is safe and accepting of them. Plus, paving the way for us and showing that travel is not just for the wealthy, privileged, white people anymore! That time passed a long time ago.

Black travel accounts on Insta and YouTube:

Wendy Curls
Oneika Traveller
Lele Mkhize
Black Travel Feed
Black Travel Journey
The Black Travel Club

And of course, celebs travel often so if you follow celebs of colour, you should see some inspo, too.

 

Friends who are POC

This one may seem controversial, but hear me out! I’ve felt more confidence and belonging when finally having black friends (generally any non-white friends).

For a while in teenhood, all I had were white friends. I felt less-than them. I felt unseen. I straightened my hair and only started to do that less when I was about 16, at the earliest.

That’s sad.

It’s not their fault, of course, it’s about kind of mirroring those around you and fitting in. It’s about conditioning and what you internalise.

But when I found more black friends, I felt that permission to be myself. To let my “black side” out to play! They understand microaggressions and racism. They understand that you don’t touch each other’s hair. They understand feeling less beautiful. They understand that not everything is as easy for us.

But you don’t only bond over the oppression! You also bond over braids and hair maintenance. Over being a grinding, bad-ass boss lady going at life despite it being harder. Over Caribbean and African food. Over certain ideals that some other cultures don’t have. Over our upbringing and the list goes on. Over being a black woman; a person of colour; a person.

 

Writers and authors who are POC

Why gain inspo from Tomi Adeyemi or Toni Morrison or Maya Angelou or Angie Thomas, not JK Rowling or George R. R. Martin? Again, think about it. What you see is what you believe is possible. If only men were shown as successful writers, you would – like many women did – believe that writing was for men; that women couldn’t do it as well.

The same goes for race.

Seeing someone who looks like you be successful proves to your mind that it’s possible for you, too.

Now, add in the fact that there is literal systemic and institutional racism, meaning it has been fundamentally more difficult for POC to succeed in these industries. Once again, you need to be reminded that it may be tougher for us, but it is possible for us now.

 

These are just some of the considerations I’ve had to make as someone of colour. What you see in the world, on TV, on your social feeds, matters. It can give or take from your confidence, self-worth, aspirations and general beliefs about life and what is possible for you.

Many people of colour don’t know that they can succeed. That they can have popular YouTube channels, vlogs, podcasts, books, shows, travel goals, houses, whatever whatever.

I hope, and do believe, we are moving closer and closer to closing that gap. Where it isn’t a case of going to look for this inspiration to know that it’s possible for you, but to freely and easily see it all around us.

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

Practice and Presence

I was watching a YouTube video earlier and this phrase was said at the end: “anything can be accomplished with practice and presence.”

And it struck a cord with me because isn’t that just so true? But the problem is, most of us aren’t present in the here and now, and we aren’t willing to put in the practice to get the results we seek.

I was saying to my brother just yesterday how I wish I was multilingual. We watched this video of Nathaniel Drew speaking to his polyglot grandmother, who speaks 5 languages. I was in awe. It’s so beautiful. There’s something so special about being able to speak multiple languages semi-fluidly; it bridges connection between peoples and nations…

He was like, “yeah but language apps and AI technology are being developed,” and yeah that’s all cool, but nothing beats being able to do it yourself with your own awesome brain!

Anyway, I digress…

 

Practice

In life, we are never done learning or growing. We are ever the learner. The problem comes when we get comfortable or complacent and think we needn’t keep practising, trying, or striving for a new understanding of even the things we consider ourselves to be good at.

Your relationships
Your job
Your hobby/ skills
Cooking
Travelling
Friendships
Money
Fitness
Journalling
And on and on and on

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re done “trying”, basically.

That your partner will always be there no matter what. No! You need to practice and learn and give to them and grow every damn day. You owe them that. You owe yourself that. Relationships sometimes end when people stop trying. When you assume that you know everything about them or what they want and need, you stop listening and seeing their truth.

You need to choose your partner every day; you need to see them with fresh eyes and practice at being a good partner because we’re never done and perfect.

The same goes for my writing, for example. I can always do and be better, which isn’t a negative; it’s freeing. It means there is no perfection to reach. I’m allowed to always be learning and growing. Always practising.

When I sit down, I can call it “practising my writing”, instead of writing a chapter or a post, and that takes the pressure off.

Why do we struggle with this idea of practising actively?

Fear of failure
Wanting fast results
Wanting to be the best
Impatience
Undisciplined
Distracted by shiny new things
Keeping to what we know already
Comfort zone
Perfectionism
Comparison
…

 

Presence

The next thing that’s so important, yet we struggle to do it, is presence. Full, complete, undivided present-ness. I have only read part of The Power of Now, but many people in the self-help sphere swear by it as one of the best, most life-changing books for a better life.

Why?

Because we are in an age of distraction and limited attention. We’re doing a million things at once. We scroll to fill small moments of time where we have “nothing to do” instead of just being.

Allowing ourselves to just be is crucial for mental and emotional wellbeing.

When you’re present you have less stress and worries. You are just here and dealing with the only thing that needs to be done right now. Which is the right thing, right? You can’t tackle things aren’t happening right now; not tangibly, anyway.

Presence and it’s power comes down to (at a snapshot):

Focus and attention
Being more productive and doing things well because you’re actually giving it your full attention
Better relationships and connection
Being better equipped for things that pop up (being resilient and taking action)
You experience everything more deeply

 

How to keep practising and be more present

My number one thing that helps me remember to keep practising and stay present is yoga. I’m still a beginner; I fall over and shake, but I keep trying. I enjoy seeing progress and learning as I go. It also forces me to focus otherwise, yeah, I’ll fall and hurt myself!

But if that’s not for you, here are some little ways to feel more present and to be reminded of the importance of regular practice in everyday life.

Sports – you have to practice and keep up as a good member of the team, while being wholly focused on what you’re doing in order to do it well.
Creation – you have to practice your art in order to get better and it sometimes draws you right into it, thus being completely present.
Caring for something or someone else who’s dependent on you: a child, volunteering, caring for a family member, a pet, etc., they need you attention and you learn about that person and their needs everyday.
Choose to do something new often – when you’ve never done something before, there is no expectation (realistically) to be any good, so the pressure is gone and you MUST be the beginner; plus, you have to focus to learn what needs to be done.

 

Practice:

Make mistakes. Laugh and don’t take yourself too seriously. Get help and advice from others. Let yourself be wrong. Learn and be open-minded every day.

Presence:

Watch sunsets. Turn off your phone. Journal. Move your body. Trust in your path and safety in life (so you don’t fall into overthinking and contemplating the future). Have deep conversations with no TV or music on.

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

The Dangers of Yearning (podcast)

We all yearn for things in life. The longing is what drives us forwards. This fantasy, this idea, it steals our attention and motivates us…or consumes us. What happens when the yearning takes over? When we believe more in the fantasy than reality?

“Keep your feet on the ground as you daydream…”

Click to play!

https://srcrawfordauthor.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/the-pain-of-yearning.mp3

xx

Anti-Racist Book Recs: “Natives” by Akala

I have just finished reading Natives by Akala. I listened to it on Audible, where he read the book himself (always better when the author reads their own work if it’s non-fiction, especially).

I loved it!

It was a lot to consume, hence why it took me a while, but he had a down-to-earth way of delivering this important information about systemic racism. He also slips in personal anecdotes and experiences with being racialised as black and racism.

He is a very well-educated man and it truly does highlight the problem with our society and our schooling that most of us won’t have known anything about half the information that he shares in this book.

I feel sad and ashamed of myself for not knowing the depth of our history in the UK in terms of race, colonisation and racism.

We all have a duty to recognise our privilege and the systems that work for some, but only hinder and harm others.

Listening to this was the best way to consume the information. It also helps me to reread the book again and again more easily in the future. I took notes but in all honesty, listening to a book makes taking notes a little harder (for me, anyway), so if you want to actively take a lot of notes, it might be better to have a physical copy to help you.

And please do take notes! I promise you’ll want to, because there’s so much that we don’t know about British racism and race. We know more Black history in America than here. But the British are such a powerhouse of destruction and hate and control that we can’t ignore or forget our vital part in the systems that work against BIPoC.

Get your copy of Natives here.

Check out more books about race and racism in order to be anti-racist and move us all towards a life of inclusion, value, and safety for all peoples.

How Consumption Affects Our Health

At some point or another, most adults will consider trying to fix or perfect the following:

Their hairSkinBody shapeMuscle tone/definitionSleepDietRelationshipsProductivityFinancesConfidenceFitness in generalMental or emotional healthAnd so on

Trying to fix and perfect these things, I think we all can agree, is a pretty difficult task.

What if I told you that there’s one thing that sums up and helps in all these areas? One thing that if you focus on that, you will see results in all areas of your life?

Yes, you guessed it from the title, it’s consumption.

I’m talking two big things: what you put into your body and what you put into your mind.

Everyday we are consuming things: food, drinks, medicine, entertainment, social media, conversations, opinions, energy, and so on. In fact, in this modern world, we are OVERconsuming these things. And what we feed our bodies and our minds has a substantial affect on all areas of our lives.

 

Food

Let’s talk about food. What we eat; what we put into our bodies, matters. Fact. People talk so highly of exercise, but you will not be the typical idea “fit and healthy” if you’re putting toxic things into your body.

Toxic things we put into our bodies:Drugs (hard no) and alcohol (excessively)Processed foodsHormones and chemicals injected into the meat we eatSteroidsMedicine we don’t really need

 

Please, do not get me wrong: I am not a vegan. I am not an animal righs activist (although, I want to know more and do hate how we treat animals most of the time). I, too, consume these toxic things, but I want to try to stop, hence this post.

 

Some of our aliments or problems with our bodies and fitness can be helped or eradicated by a change in diet. It won’t happen overnight, like some magic pill (which, let’s be honest, we all would rather), instead, a longlasting change in our diet will have lasting detrimental affects on our quality of life…

Better sleepBetter digestionFighting fit organsHealthier skinLonger, healthier hairExtended lifespanHealthier bowel movementsBetter eyesightStronger bonesSlow or remove the chance of certain diseases

 

I’m not someone who wants to talk too deeply about things I don’t know enough about. It’s good to admit what you don’t know. To admit to having little knowledge. But I am educating myself about food, diet, and nutrition. About the chemicals and behind-the-scenes activity of our food industry. I hope you do, too.

But if you take anything away from this post, let it be this:

Be conscious of what you’re putting into your body and where it comes from. Awareness, mindfulness and conscious consumption can and literally will save your life.

 

Don’t overeat. Don’t undereat. Don’t eat toxic foods. Don’t excessively eat or drink things that aren’t healthy. Have balance. Seek moderation. Don’t eat and then punish yourself. Don’t exercise as punishment.

Love your body, take care of it; let food be love notes to your body (and mind).

 

Media

This is a big one, especially right now. We are trapped at home and so we have little more to do than to watch TV, watch the news, and be on social media.

And it’s hurting us all.

What we watch, what we see, is important. Without us truly knowing or quantifying it, these things are affecting our mental health and emotions. It’s not even just “negative” news, like about the virus or the death of yet another black man; it’s all of it.

 

Why our modern world of excessive media is toxic for us:Overstimulation: we’re bored easily, get addicted, can’t find as much pleasure in the smaller things or a slower lifestyle Seek quick gratification and dopamine hitsLess creation, more consumptionDistractionPoorer attention and focusComparison, competition and jealousyUnfair expectations on oneselfPoor eyesightAddiction (when you constantly pick up your phone to check social media, even though you literally just put it down; or when you have a spare minute without anything to do, so you go on your phone)Lower self-esteem/ seeking outside validation from the social media world

This is just to name the ones that come to my mind. I’m not saying let’s scrap social media, and the news is bad for us, and we shouldn’t ever watch TV. That wouldn’t make sense; I’m introverted and any indoor activities are my go-to!

BUT…

We need to do some important things to ensure our mental and emotional health isn’t too negatively affected and influenced by what we’re consuming:

Cut our screen time downDon’t allow notifications on our phones (they steal our attention away)Consider deleting the apps off our phones (therefore you only consciously consume on your computer, and will naturally spend less time on these things)Tailor our feeds to suit what is motivating, inspiring, good for our health, and important (why look at things that make you feel bad or hate yourself or are offensive or toxic etc?)Keep up with the news and the wider world, but limit our time doing so (perhaps set a specific “news check” time and don’t consume outside of that)When in a low mood, don’t consume

 

Opinions and Judgement

And the last form for consumption that I’ll discuss in this specific post is the opinions and judgements of others.

Let me just say quickly: I’m not saying getting advice from people is bad or that people shouldn’t ever listen to criticisms from others. Criticism can, of course, be constructive and positive and needed. Sometimes, people see things in us that we can’t see for ourselves. Or, they offer a perspective that can help push us forwards and open our minds.

BUT!

What I am saying is that, just like the above points, we need to just be more careful about what we are consuming. To take stock of a few key things that could be affecting our mental and emotional (even physical!) health:

Whose opinion or judgement do you listen to most? Where does the power lie in this relationship?How does this opinions make you feel?Do you reject your own opinions, feelings, and perspectives?Do you seek validation from others for your life choices?How’s your confidence and self-esteem doing?

 

As Brene Brown says, we should take on the opinions and judgements of a very small amount of people. She says their names should fit on a very small piece of paper.

But honestly, is your list that small? Or, like me, is your list far longer than it should be?

Are you listening to, and being affected by, the opinions of people who you don’t even know that well? Or even, god forbid, strangers on the internet?

Again, we should try to listen to perspectives and advice that might be helpful. But these things should go through our own filter and we need to ask ourselves (open and honestly): Is this useful? Is this true? Is this good for me (or others)?

“Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.” – Pinterest

 

In this internet age, everyone is spreading their opinions around like confetti, with very little attention (or care, perhaps) to the damage it does. So, be careful what you’re spreading around, and be careful whose opinions you’re consuming.

 

Last thoughts:

Never before have we had so much to eat, watch, entertain ourselves with, and do. We are in a culture of abundance. Excessive and all-consuming abundance. The sheer scale of it is overwhelming. We’d never be able to read every book, watch every show or film, eat every food option, or do every activity. 

There’s just too much, and trying to do it all is a recipe for failure.

Instead, we don’t need MORE. We need much, much less. We can’t cancel everything out. We can’t change the world. But we can control where our own focus goes, and what we choose to consume.

If you truly want to develop yourself. If you truly want a healthy lifestyle in terms of phsyical, mental and emotional health, then you simply need to watch what you consume.

Consume less, and just be.

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

Fluctuations in Mood and Motivation (podcast)

We all experience fluctuations in our moods and our motivations, where one minute we feel good and productive, and the next we can’t bring ourselves to do anything. I’ve felt high highs and low lows lately, feeling like I’m on a rollercoaster that I can’t get off.

Today, I’m discussing why our moods and motivation changes, and what to do with the highs and what to do with the lows.

Click to play!

https://srcrawfordauthor.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/fluctuating-moods-and-motivation.m4a

xx

Let’s Stop Calling It “Political Correctness”

The term “Political correctness” makes me think of politics. But it’s not really about politics, is it? It’s about humanity and love and inclusion. Allowing everyone to feel comfortable. To allow everyone to belong; truly belong in their own world and communities.

In her book Braving the Wilderness, Brene Brown calls “political correctness” something else; a phrase that I love and want to share with you. She calls it “Inclusive Language”.

Simple!

For example, a word that I use all the time is “partner“. Partner is inclusive, boyfriend or girlfriend is not. Girlfriend or boyfriend, when talking to someone about their romantic life or sex life, assumes gender and sexual preference, therefore, excluding people.

Don’t get me wrong, being PC, or we should now say Inclusive, isn’t always easy. We won’t always get it right. But if we’re willing to learn, listen and love (the 3 Ls!), you can’t go wrong.

His/Hers -> Theirs

Ladies and Gentleman -> Distinguished guests

Men and women -> Everyone

Guys -> Folks

To name a few to do with gender norms.

The thing is, our world and our language are very different now than it was twenty, thirty, forty years ago. By trying to “stay the same” or saying things like “it wasn’t this complicated back in my day” is just rude and offensive. That’s a Fixed Mindset, not a Growth Mindset. That’s bad for you and for our society.

“Back in the day” things were not sunshine and rainbows. People were (through no real fault of their own, we’ve all been conditioned) overtly racist and homophobic and exclusionary back then. Why would we romanticise and reminisce about a time of oppression, hatred and violence that’s worse than today?

 

But yes, it is more complicated, but that isn’t a bad thing. Not when it comes to ensuring everyone is included, valued, and respected equally. Not when simply using a different word could change how you make someone feel about themselves.

How much does it hurt you, really, to use a different word?

Words hold power and meaning, we shouldn’t use them without intention.

Say you got something wrong; breathe and listen to how the person feels. Respect their needs and views. No one is asking you to marry them! Just be a damn good human being. Treat your fellow person with love and respect – until they give you a genuine reason not to.

Imagine if your needs weren’t met. Imagine if, on a daily basis, basic respect wasn’t freely given to you. People told you who you should be. What you should do. Who you should love. People told you that you don’t fit in, you’re not the “norm“.

How awful would that be?

It drains your energy and severely affects your mental health. So, inclusive language goes a long way. It can even save lives.

 

Some tips for inclusive language:Be mindful of what you’re saying and the meaning and connotations behind itSpeak kindly and care about how you make others feelAsk if you’re not sure! Hopefully, if you ask right, the person won’t be offendedDon’t get defensive if corrected. I hope anyone who reads my content is someone willing to grow; we grow through listening to other perspectives and learning as we go through lifeRespect other people’s wants and needs; you do not get to tell them what they should be or how they should feelIf there’s a better word, use it! (it takes practise if you’re not used to it, and that’s okay)Topics to be wary of, gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, nationality, and general terms and phrases for identity

 

I have struggled with belonging for a long time. I still am. But as Brene Brown says in her book, we must belong to ourselves, first. Being civil, kind, and giving to our collective humanity is the way we help others feel as though they belong with us. 

Don’t be part of the problem. 

Hold out your hands with your words and say, “you belong here.”

This is a matter of community and unity. Of humanity and togetherness. Pushing for an inclusive society where everyone feels welcome and safe. Breaking and changing the perceived “norms” which only truly serve a small number of people in the Dominant Culture. 

I hope you all know, you’re welcome here with me, as you are.

So, I can’t really sit here and list all the right words or phrases, and the wrong ones to avoid. One, I’d be here forever. Two, things may change. Three, I don’t have all the answers! But I am willing to learn, and I hope you are, too. 

 

How to learn more inclusive language:Read books on diversity, inclusion, race, gender, sexuality etc.Speak to people! Get to know them and you’ll naturally understand what’s okay and what’s not.Learn from your mistakes.Watch TV shows and films that are inclusive and a good representation of marginalised groups of people.Ask questions, do your research.

 

(Please, tell me if at any point I’ve made you feel uncomfortable with my language. I know I say “guys” a lot, as I’m kind of American in my language at times, saying Dude, too! For me, those words are for everyone, not male-centric. If there’s something I don’t yet know, I’m happy to learn and grow. Thank you.)

 

Sincerely,

S. xx