S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 40

Finding Clarity: Setting Boundaries

Hey guys, welcome back to the Finding Clarity series! Today is a shorter post but a very hard topic to get right: boundaries!

I’ve thought about this for a while and heard YouTubers talk about it and I thought “hey, I need those” but never knew how to do it. I haven’t become an expert by any means, but I’ll share with you what I’ve discovered so far.

(All of this information is from a lot of research from different sources. I searched “how to set boundaries” on YouTube and Google and also took notes from Brene Brown and one of my favourite YouTubers Lavendaire)

 

What are boundaries?

“Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. “

Brene, “The limits we set ourselves for what we will and will not tolerate.”

Who needs boundaries in their life?

People-pleasers
People with a Hero Complex
People who always say yes out of obligation or guilt
Those who sacrifice themselves to keep the peace
Peacekeeper personalities
Those afraid of conflict
Those who take more responsibility than is theirs

 

Recognise where you need boundaries

Sometimes we need boundaries but don’t realise it. A good starting point is to answer the following:

I feel most angry when…

I struggle setting boundaries with these people…

I struggle setting boundaries with this PERSON because…

 

Recognise what is your responsibility and what isn’t. Shed unnecessary burdens and duties that you think you need to bear. This means not holding yourself responsible for the lives, problems, and emotions of others.

Of course, you can and should help and support your loved ones, but as Brene Brown says, “There is no empathy without boundaries.” This means being with them in their pain, holding space for them, listening, caring, but not taking it on as your responsibility to fix it, struggle too, or be their saviour.

The key is to understand what you need and why you need it. Where are you struggling? Who are you struggling with? What do they do that bothers you or causes you problems? Where are you not showing up as your best?

They say that we need to fix our own oxygen mask before fixing someone else’s. A podcast I listened to said that we can’t suffer when someone else is suffering, otherwise, there are two sufferers and no one is any good to anyone else.

 

Set clear boundaries

When you have some ideas, get clear on what it means and what you need to be better in that area. I won’t go into specifics, but an important boundary for my own health and happiness was to not be the Hero/Therapist for loved ones and friends anymore. I put myself into the role because an old agreement was that good people help other people no matter what. An old value was kind people save others and give advice and try to take their pain away.

I no longer want to believe that. I’m a good person without taking on other people’s problems.

So, what do you need in order to be your best self, look after yourself, attend to your own needs, stop being so available to others, stop giving in to others, stop saying yes all the time, and start serving yourself more with personal permission to do so?

Set the boundary with yourself first, sit with it, let it sink in.

 

Communicate them

Once you are sure this boundary is important and needed, it’s time to communicate that with others. This is so hard to do! It feels uncomfortable and scary because you’re initially changing the dynamic of your relationship. They may have benefitted from how you were before, and now they won’t be too happy about things changing.

But this is about and for you, not about or for them.

Be straightforward and clear about what the boundaries are and what will happen if they’re disrespected.

“This is what I need and if that doesn’t happen, I will do XYZ.”

Try not to attack, make it personal or get too emotional. State what you need, perhaps a brief reason why, and state what you’ll do if not, and then thank them for their time and respect and trust yourself.

Self-compassion is key to doing this and keeping it up.

 

Uphold them

You are rewarding the other person for their sulking by giving in to them. They don’t care about you if they can’t respect your boundaries. Will it be hard at first? Yes, for both of you. But it’s important for your health and happiness and anyone who cares about you should want that for you, too.

This means you need to address boundary violations, but again, don’t make it personal or an attack. State what has happened and how you feel or what you will do. Don’t apologise for your needs or give long explanations. As hard as it is, detach yourself from their reaction; respect yourself enough to not give in to them.

They are the ones disrespecting what you have asked for in order to be happy; it’s not your responsibility to cater to their needs instead of your own.

When they kick up a fuss, seek truth within yourself – Is it true? What would it mean if it was? 

And it’s so important that you do what you say you’re going to do. Boundaries will break down if you let things slip by or you don’t uphold them. It is your job alone to do so. If they’re violated, do what you said you were going to do.

Get comfortable saying:

“I’m not able to do that.”

“I can’t do that right now.”

“No, thank you.”

“How can we make it so that we are both happy and respect each other’s needs and decisions?”

 

Learn from experiences

Don’t consistently give your power away. Your story is being shaped by what you say yes to and what you’re saying no to, remember that. Don’t let other people make decisions for you.

Pay attention to, and be careful of the line between “holding space for someone or something” and “unsolicited advice or dismissing feelings” (yours and theirs).

Each boundary you set is a learning curve. You both learn and grow as you go. It’s trial and error; finding what works so you can be happy and healthier.

 

Random boundary ideas:

I will not answer the phone if I am busy working, writing, or tending to my own needs.
I will walk away or state my discomfort if someone is emotionally dumping or off-loading onto me without permission.
I will not use my phone in bed.
I will not watch TV after 9pm.
I will not let someone put me down as a “joke” anymore.
I will not let people disturb me in my room when I’m busy or in my personal space.
I will call you back when I can.
I hear you and I’m here for you but this is not for me to fix.
I won’t allow myself to be consumed by this.

 

Freedom!

You are your best self with boundaries. You spend less energy and emotions on things that aren’t serving you, thus leaving more of you to be your best self and attend to the important things (clarity, focus, values all included!)

You are not a bad sister, daughter, partner, brother, uncle, friend, colleague for asking for what you need in a way that respects your relationship with that person and most importantly, your relationship with yourself.

Say no to what doesn’t serve you
Stop trying to save or fix or be responsible for other people’s lives and feelings
Stop trying to create harmony with everyone all the time
Trust yourself, your needs, your intuition

 

Brene, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

So, love yourself, respect your time and energy, finally put your own needs first.

Suddenly, you can see more clearly because you’re not looking through a cluttered, clouded lens of other people’s wants and needs.

 

Until next time…

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

 

Download and check out my workbooks and journal prompts to help you dive deeper and analyse your beliefs and emotions.

5 More Reasons Why You’re Struggling to Write

I did a previous post about why you’re struggling to write, which was a way of sharing all the feelings, realisations, and problems I’ve had as a writer, too.

I’ve now thought of even more reasons why you may be struggling to write right now, even with the extra time of quarantine…

 

1 – Your familiarity feels like boredom

I got this idea from V. E. Schwab’s YouTube channel. She has some good writingadvice on there and one of the videos was about the “shiny new idea”. This is the new story idea that comes and taps you on the shoulder while you’re writing another story. It’s pretty and new and you want it so bad!

But she says to leave it. It is a distraction that comes along because you have become too familiar with your story, and so you feel a bit “bored” by it. But really, it’s not that you’re bored, just that this story feels familar. It feels different than a new one because you’re deep in it. You know it well.

You may be writing and don’t feel like it’s matching up to your original idea when you started. But as Schwab says, this is just because you have touched it; the redrafting is where you will push the story closer to the original idea in your head. That doesn’t happen in the first draft. The allure of the new idea comes from the imagined idea; the shiny topic that is untainted by your hands.

But the story you’re writing already isn’t wrong or boring or bad, necessarily, just because you’ve had another idea or because it feels hard to write or is not quite what you want it to be yet. Expecting it to be; or thinking it’s boredom instead of familiarity; or if you give up and write the other story, will only make you struggle to write and finish.

 

2 – You’re too focused on the end goal

This is a big one for me and I’ve considered this deeply lately, which informed my 2020 Writing Manifesto. You need to really and truly give yourself permission to be in the here and now. To just write what you’re writing right where you’re at. 

Focus on the chapter, the scene, the moment you’re in; stop fast-forwarding ahead.

I think the striking end of the story; the finished book on the shelf; the competition money; the writing award; the contract; the pile of money… it’s all a desired end goal that is all well and good, but has no place in the writing process.

This imagined, desired end result will suffocate and murder your creativity because it’s just one big thing: pressure!

Take that burden off your shoulders and off the writing, which should simply be free creative expression and exploration.

 

3 – You’re calling it a book instead of a story

This kind of goes back to the above point: zooming in on the end goal. You are not writing a book! Even if you think (or are 100% sure) that you will  publish when it’s ready, right now, at this moment, it is not a book. A book is an object. It is the finished, polished product.

You are simply writing a story!

This seems so small and perhaps you see it as semantics, but it’s a powerful shift in mindset. A “book” puts this pressure on it to be polished even in the first draft. But a “story” gives you freedom to find the story, explore the story, set a place for story, encourage characters in a story, and just be in the story and it’s world.

I want that, don’t you? That fun and freedom and enjoyment…

 

4 – You don’t know your characters well enough

You may be struggling to write because you haven’t taken the time to actually get to know your characters. For most stories (good ones, in my opinion), the characters are the important piece of the puzzle.

It’s not about a plot happening to a character(s); it’s a character(s) causing a plot.

If you’re stumped when writing or find that you’re just dragging your character along, it’s because you don’t know them very well and your story is happening to this 2D person instead of a fully-fleshed out human being (or whatever kind of being they are!).

There are many resources for fleshing out your characters, and this post isn’t for that, but I reccommend that you take a break and interview your characters! See what they say, who they are, what they might do in various scenarios. This will help to push your plot, take a new angle, and enliven your story because it will feel more real to you.

 

5 – You don’t have the skills or discipline 

This one sounds harsh and it even feels like I’m calling out myself! But it is somewhat true, if we get honest with ourselves. Some of us are still amateurs, and therefore we will not be as accustomed to writing projects as seasoned writers. This means we need more practice, or we need to take a course/class, or read up on more specific and professional writing advice in order to get better.

But in the end, practice really does make perfect.

Keep reading, keep writing, repeat.

Learn what works for you for your writing routine or best method for success, which only comes through trial and error. Don’t be hard on yourself or give up. You’re allowed to be the learner: heck, we’re all always learning! But this may be why you’re struggling; you’re still not at the level you want to be yet. That’s okay.

It comes down to allowing that to be the case. Seeking advice and help if needed. Stop comparing yourself to seasoned professional writers. Stop comparing your first draft to a finished book. And to take each chapter you write as experience under your belt, not something that needs to be perfect.

 

Happy writing, guys!

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

Finding Clarity: Metrics for Success and Happiness

Hey guys, welcome back to the Finding Clarity Series! This post is perhaps the most important one for me, so give it a chance to really work for you.

Remember this: you get out what you put in.

The important book that helped me with this part of my journey was The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck by Mark Manson. The book isn’t as it sounds, trust me! It’s about getting rid of the mental clutter of things you just don’t need to care about so you can finally focus on the things that actually matter for you personally (your values, health, loved ones etc.).

 

This part of the finding clarity journey is crucial for:

Self-worth
Self-esteem
Confidence
Health
Self-power
Not seeking outside validation anymore
Less comparison
Focus
Awareness
Celebrating yourself
Intentional living
Authentic living
Perspective

 

What are the pillars, the floor work, the grounding for which you live your life? Where your decision making, sense of success and happiness, self-worth and aspirations are born? Are they sturdy foundations? Did you lay the bricks yourself or did someone else? Are their cracks, leaks, missing pieces? Is it time for restructuring?

How can you change your life or build great things or grow tall and awesome, if you don’t address and stabilise your rocky foundations first? Even if the new methods you’re implementing (working out, meditating, writing 1k a day towards your novel) works for a while, it’s doomed to fail eventually or not make you feel as good as you’d like because your ideas behind the whole thing come from a bad place.

You’re doing what you’re doing for the wrong reasons.

Let’s dive in…

 

Outline the wrong metrics

As with the other elements of this series, we must become aware of how we’ve been going wrong/out of alignment so far. This isn’t about judgement, blame, guilt, shame or hatred. You are working on yourself and reshaping your mindset, that takes time and awareness of what’s not working right now.

To help you, here (briefly) are some ideas of wrong metrics for success and happiness that I’ve had:

Intelligence = a good grades, top of the class, proving others wrong, reading impressive books, knowing the answers, getting references and complex concepts…
Creativity = writing every day, other people liking my work, completing at least one manuscript every year, publishing
Happiness & Future Success = a future where I’m making a lot of money, am a published author and have an awesome family in a big house

No, no, no!

You see how I have set myself up to fail here? To hurt and be disappointed? Healthy values and metrics shouldn’t be so rigid, focused in this way, or external…

 

Taken from Mark Manson’s book:

“ Values to avoid:

Pleasure

Material success

Always being right

Staying positive

Good values are:

1. Reality-based

2. Socially constructive

3. Immediate and controllable

Bad values are:

1. Superstitious

2. Socially destructive

3. Not immediate or controllable

Good values include:

Honesty, vulnerability, self-respect, curiosity, charity, humility, creativity

Good healthy values are achieved internally.”

And as Brene Brown says, “Put down the measuring stick even in this culture that uses acquisitions and accomplishments to assess worth.”

Your values, as seen from the previous post, should be more wholehearted than being external, uncontrollable, centred around the material, outside validation, being perfect or other.

 

Exploring healthier metrics

Here, you need to have a keen awareness of when you feel good. Yeah, you probably feel good from a good grade on your assignment, but truly, it’s because you worked hard on it and that was valued. However, with good values and the right metrics, you can feel good from a decent grade, purely because you know that you worked hard and that is the metric, that is the value.

Let me explain with my own…

I broke my metrics and values down into categories for exploration, first:

Relationships
Physical Health
Financial Health
Emotional and Mental Health
Intelligence
Success
Creativity
Learning
Selfhood
Goodness
Balance
Courage
Communication and Connection

I then explored each one deeply to redefine a healthier way to measure what success looks like for each and what would/should make me feel happy in that area.

Rather than measuring my relationships by the metrics of never arguing and all skipping through a meadow together (unrealistic, uncontrollable because we’re all emotion-filled human beings who are flawed). Instead, I said things like mutual respect, boundaries, unconditional love, support system, belonging, joy, etc.

 

I wrote out my paragraphs with the following guidelines:

In relationships (finances, mental health, selfhood, creativity etc.) I value XYZ.

If I X, Y, and Z then I have succeeded in this area.

This way, I know how I can do well in each area, and also see where I have let myself down in any area and can improve next time.

 

Here’s my breakdown for Emotional and Mental Health:

I value good, clear intentions and awareness.

This means…

Mindful and consciously aware of thoughts and feelings
Explore and attend to them without judgment and with compassion
Use my journal, books, and other people to help with difficulties
Keep up regular practices for clarity and awareness (journal, meditate, mindfulness, energising activity, reading, yoga, etc.)

 

It is good to get specific and controllable. For example, I have the choice to move towards learning and growth with my studies or my writing or I can say to myself “No, you’re not good enough because you didn’t get an A or you didn’t write a whole chapter.”

Yes, I control what I write, but I can’t control what grade I get.

What you do and how valuable and worthy and loved you are should not be the same thing. Whether I write a chapter or not, I am worthy. Therefore, I don’t want this sort of thing to be listed as a metric for me to follow for my value of creativity.

Self-compassion and self-awareness should inform your decisions here. Be fair, realistic, and honest. For me, with my new metrics, I’m very much focused on growth and learning, kindness and fairness, good communication and connection over trying to be productive, perfect, and proving myself to others like I used to strive for and hold myself up to.

 

Self-Worth Focused

Your metrics and your values should always be self-worth focused. What makes you feel worthy? What helps you to realise that you always were?

Watch out for the following…

 

Never enough and scarcity

Brene Brown is the queen in this topic and the following one. Her books (listed on the resources post I will share later on in the weeks) really try to make us understand that our world, our culture, breeds a scarcity mindset. That there’s not enough for all of us, that we are not enough to be worthy, that we must chase and hustle and strive for value.

No!

You actually get to decide what is enough for you and your life. You free yourself by doing so. Tell yourself that it’s okay and you have succeeded in your relationships, for example, because you reached out to that person and told them you love them. That you’re enough in your finances because you have paid the bills, fed your family, and put a little into savings. It’s not about abundance (having loads and loads in infinite amounts)…

Brene says the opposite of scarcity isn’t abundance, it’s ENOUGH.

 

Shame

Again, Brene holds the crown for this one. She is first and foremost a shame researcher. We all feel shame, especially when we fail to reach our own or other people’s expectations. When we don’t measure up.

Don’t have a university degree? You’re not valuable, you don’t belong, you should be ashamed…

Don’t have children? You’re not valuable, you don’t belong, you should be ashamed…

No!

This comes down to old agreements of what life should look like, what you should do, who you should be. I give you permission now to say f* you to that! Society, your parents, your teachers or whoever don’t get to shame you anymore. They don’t get to decide what is worthy.

You are worthy, in all your imperfections, whatever you decide to do in life, and whoever you want to be (except killers and rapists and all that, which should go without saying, surely…)

 

Validation and other people’s measuring sticks

And of course, as I’ve said, don’t measure yourself by other people’s standards. Let them have their own values, their own measuring sticks. If they find worth, success and happiness from a million dollars and five kids, so be it. If they find it from living in a caravan and growing their own vegetables, so be it.

Be someone who doesn’t take other people’s lifestyles are a criticism of your own. We all get to decide what is best for us. What success and happiness looks like for each of us.

No one is better than another.

I for one want to set myself free and finally feel a greater sense of peace and clarity by living by metrics that are less restrictive and therefore make me less of a failure each day!

I want to have things that are on-going, progressive, loving, kind, gentle, fair, growth and learning-based. Less fixed because goals can be ticked off and then what? No, always just grow and value the journey. I want to choose life, make decisions, and be me from a better point of view.

I hope you do, too.

I’ll shed light on more of these things in the next few posts. Check back next week.

 

Until then…

 

Sincerely,

S.xx

 

Download and check out my workbooks and journal prompts to help you dive deeper and analyse your beliefs and emotions.

12 Self-Care Mindsets to Remember (podcast)

Self-care has become super popular and perhaps that means the word has lost its effect now. But there are so many forms of self-care and what we need person to person, moment to moment will differ.

Self-care practices aside, here are some self-care mindsets to remember for a healthier life. For caring for and prioritising your own wellness.

Click to play!

https://srcrawfordauthor.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/12-self-care-mindsets-to-remember.mp3

S. xx

Finding Clarity: Your Values

Hey guys, welcome back to the Finding Clarity Series, if you haven’t already, make sure to read last week’s post about Agreements before this one, as it sets the foundations for the series and towards seeing things clearly in your life.

Today, I’m walking you through another key part of this series: your values. Finding your old values, seeking new ones, living by them every day.

I have done another post about living by your values but I will do an updated version here because since then, I’ve really worked on my own and read more books that have highlighted the importance and roles of values.

 

What are values?

Perhaps you don’t know what I mean by values. If you do, skip this section.

Values are “principles or standards of behaviour; one’s judgement of what is important in life.”

Now, from this most people would probably want to say something like family, marriage, money, or something like that but that’s not quite the right thing for this. We mean more ideas or elements of life that inform your decisions, actions, and desires. What do you seek? What is important? What helps you decide what to do? What helps you to stay true to yourself?

Muchelle B, as I say in my other post, asks you to think about what makes you feel good, happy, accomplished? Those things are likely to be related to your values.

 

Brain Dump/ Get a List:

Firstly, there are a lot of things that could be of value to you. Different people in the field have different lists. I’ve included here the list I used to get mine from the book Sacred Powers, I recommend you read it, but there are also other sources for you to check out if you’re interested, like James Clear’s list or the lists on my other values blog post.

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These are pictures taken from the book because it’s a long list, but you get the idea!

 

James Clear’s list of core values:

Authenticity

Achievement

Adventure

Authority

Autonomy

Balance

Beauty

Boldness

Compassion

Challenge

Citizenship

Community

Competency

Contribution

Creativity

Curiosity

Determination

Fairness

Faith

Fame

Friendships

Fun

Growth

Happiness

Honesty

Humour

Influence

Inner Harmony

Justice

Kindness

Knowledge

Leadership

Learning

Love

Loyalty

Meaningful Work

Openness

Optimism

Peace

Pleasure

Poise

Popularity

Recognition

Religion

Reputation

Respect

Responsibility

Security

Self-Respect

Service

Spirituality

Stability

Success

Status

Trustworthiness

Wealth

Wisdom

 

Here, I’ve screenshot my PowerPoint where I explored my own values. These are the ones that call out to me the most so far…

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Now, take some time to scan these lists and see which ones call out to you. Note down a list of ones that intrigue you or feel right for you. Feel free to add some ideas of your own, too. Get any and all ideas out.

 

Whittle it down

Now that you have your list in front of you and you have added any ideas of your own, it’s time to make that list smaller. How? Well, this is where I recommend books. It may be hard for you to truly appreciate a powerful value for you to have without doing further research. Sacred Powers really helped me here, for it guides you through important questions and journaling deeply.

 

Briefly, here are some things David Ji tells you to explore:

Your most defining moments…
Positive relationships and traits they bring…
Most important decisions you’ve ever made…
Worst decisions ever made…
Time-wasting activities…
Common themes/reoccurring things from the last 10 years…
How do you want to define yourself?

He then asks you to look at his list and choose the ones you hold most dear. He asks for 10, then 7, then 3, then 1 (your most sacred).

My sacred value/power is Balance.

 

Question the old

As with the agreements/beliefs from the last post, ask yourself if you’ve held the wrong things as values so far. Values and agreements are different, and you may not have bad values, but you may have been focusing on the wrong things. Things that don’t actually make you feel as good as you thought. Things that have been leading you astray.

In next week’s post, we’ll go deep into our values’ sidekick: metrics for success and happiness. This is where we probably have the most work to do.

 

Here’s an idea of some wonky values I think I had before:

Hard work
Productivity
Success = wealth
Intelligence
Helping others

 

Living true to your values

Definitely check out my other post on this for more depth, but I think the most important way to live by your values is to remember them and then choose them each day, simple!

The problem is, a lot of us don’t know what’s important to us or we don’t have the dialogue for it. When we can literally name our top 3-5 values, and remember them with ease, it makes it easier to keep yourself in check. This means when you’re making decisions, you take your values into account.

What should I do today? 

Should I marry my partner?

Should I publish this book?

Should I try this thing?

Where should I live?

Should I take this job or that one?

Should I take this opportunity?

These are all times when we need to consult our values. Values-based decisions, rather than reckless, unintentional, or fears-based decisions will bring you the most fulfilment.

When we choose with our values in mind, we can trust that those decisions are good, no matter what others may think or the outcome.

 

Last thoughts & considerations on values

Who makes you feel good? What traits do they have? What do they embody? Who are your role models and what do they stand for?
Give yourself permission to go against what you think you’re “supposed to” value.
Your values have a lot to do with your personality, but not entirely; they’re deeper, perhaps more spiritual.
You could list what you DON’T value and go backwards.
Values help you to set boundaries for yourself and others to uphold.
They can help you to set out your weekly routine and habits.
You can revisit and change your values!
Do further research to get it right (Sacred Powers, The Four Agreements, The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, Rising Strong etc.)
It’s personal, it’s fun, it’s important (you’ll see why in further posts)

 

Check back next week where we take our values and add metrics to them (measurements for success and happiness). This part of my journey was the most important for me, so I’m excited to share.

 

Until next time, folks…

 

Sincerely,

S. xx 

 

Download and check out my workbooks and journal prompts to help you dive deeper and analyse your beliefs and emotions.

Getting Unstuck: My 2020 Writing Manifesto

My good friend (fellow writer and author) and I have been doing a lot of soul-searching in quarantine. Interestingly, we both had the same mindsets going in: “plenty of time to write, woo!” but each (on our own) have come to new realisations that have set us free…

Stop writing to publish…

As people who self-published years ago, we both have been subconsciously writing with the idea of publishing. That our story ideas were books in the making. This idea seemed fine…until it became our prisons.

Writing, for us, was our escape. Our vocation; something we loved. In the years gone by, that has changed. It became something we had to do. Something we forced each year. Something that we thought would save our lives and set us free by giving us a publishing deal and lots of money and the career of our dreams.

Those dreams have become a nightmare…

I won’t share too much of our personal ideas, revelations, and moments of clarity (that’s for us). Basically, we’re just taking back our power, winding back the clock, and finding our love for simply writing again.

Here is something I wanted to share in case you’re struggling with your writing too: My 2020 Writing Manifesto…

 

My 2020 Writing Manifesto:

• I give you permission to not think about publishing this year.

• Don’t call it a “book idea” or the “book I’m writing,” it is simply “a story you’re writing”, “a story idea.”

• Don’t get wrapped up in genre or age range or any marketing metrics.

• You don’t need to know a big plot in advance.

• You don’t need to think about series potential or what needs to be set up for later books in the series.

• I give you permission to not format your story in the “right way” i.e. chapters, proper word counts, margins, scrivener, spacing etc.

• I give you permission to not write in chronological order.

• I give you permission to let a character, world or magic system steal the driver’s seat – get curious and see where they take you.

• I give you permission to not restrict or force with a daily or weekly word count.

• To see writing as a spiritual, expressive, emotive experience again.

• I just want to see what happens when…

• Write what you want to write: this story or that one, a poem, a short, a script, a scene, an exercise, a blog post, a manifesto – it all counts, it’s all valid.

• I give you permission to write purely what you want to read; forget about a readership, the world, an audience. Don’t write with the fear of how it will be interpreted by others.

• I give you permission to keep what you’re writing a secret; you don’t have to prove you’re writing to anyone else.

• I give you permission to write something that will never be read.

• You will not compare anyone else’s work to your own.

• I give you permission to sit in a story and it’s world, explore ideas with curiosity, and not feel forced into turning it into something big.

• Writing is not your job, don’t treat it like one. Don’t burden your creativity with the idea that it has to save your life and make you money right now.

• This is a journey of self-discovery above all else.

• Writing is the home where you always belong; don’t destroy your home.

• Separate rules and craft from the creating and writing part. They require different hats. Writing should be sacred, beautiful, random, authentic, and then once that has ebbed and flowed, then craft and structure can come into play.

• Put yourself first when it comes to writing and creation.

• Let go of preconceptions: just surrender to the story as it manifests.

• Don’t write to fit a market or formula or what sells, like ever!

Quote from my friend, “Writing is supposed to be a deep and honest expression, not a business plan.”

 

I’ll update this as time goes on. I’ll probably try to write a “manifesto” every year to help guide me. Because our writing goals (like anything in life) may change year to year. Who we are and what we want or need will constantly change, too. And that’s okay.

Give yourself permission to set your own rules. Give yourself permission to write because you want to, not because you have to.

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

Journal Entry: How I Feel About Having Finished My First Year of Study

University is over for the year! Woo! This is how I feel having completed my first part-time module and first year of Open Uni…

 

Relief

Of course, I feel a sense of relief. That pressure, that fear and unease is gone. I did all my assignments and got mostly 2:1s and one 1st (great grades!). I can stop worrying about deadlines, pages to read, and proving myself for a few months, which is a weight off my shoulders.

 

Pride

And naturally, I feel proud of myself. As I explained in my decision to study again post, I felt scared to do this; I felt unsure of whether it would be a mistake and I’d quit. Now to be on the other side of that, and so quickly too, I feel so happy and proud.

Having studied a Creative Writing module this year, there was the added pressure to prove to myself (and others, I admit) that “yes, see, I’m a good writer!” If I’d gotten bad grades, I was worried about what that would have meant to me. If it would have caused me to doubt myself and how I define myself. It’s fair to say, a lot of pressure was on me with this module; all internal, of course.

 

New perspective on “Intelligence” (values and metrics)

I have realised lately that I have had a wonky view of intelligence all these years…

Intelligence is good grades
Intelligence is being the best and smartest person in a room
Intelligence is validation from others about how intelligent you are
Intelligence is having a good job
Intelligence is speaking well, knowing big words, and having the best perspective on life
Intelligence is a marker for your worthiness

Whoa…No, no, no Siana *slaps forehead*

I’ll keep this short, as I might do a separate post on this specifically, but intelligence is none of these things. Intelligence is not truly measurable in this way.

Intelligence is how we think, not what we know. Intelligence is how we think about and apply what we know. Intelligence is learning, growing, openness, and awareness.

Studying helped me realise this, alongside some amazing books (a post coming later). And now, I have a greater appreciation for solo study and the degree. I’m not doing it for grades or status; to prove my intelligence to myself or others. But to learn, simple.

 

Appreciation for my mom

I have a new appreciation for what my mom has achieved, too. She did Open University herself and took nearly 9 years to get her degree, while suffering with her mental health and being a single parent. She studied a more difficult subject and did so all alone.

I applaud her dedication, focus, resilience, self-discipline, sacrifice, confidence, commitment and urgh just everything! She is always learning and doing, yet she is never appreciated for it (by herself or others).

Mom, all the appreciation!!!

 

Growth

I feel like I have grown as a person and a writer. I have had the title/status of student (guess I still do) for 7 months now, and that has changed me a lot. I did a post about my 6-month transformation and I strongly believe studying was a pivotal part of that and an incredible choice to have made. It took a lot for me to take that step and admit that it was something I needed and wanted that wouldn’t come easy. To admit that, sign up, and complete it was an impressive action of growth, self-awareness and self-love.

Well done, Siana!

 

Unsure

And lastly, I’ll admit, I feel unsure. I haven’t got my official final grade for the module yet (I think that’ll be July) and so I’m sort of in limbo; it all feels a little anticlimactic.

And I said to myself in doing this module that I would take it year by year instead of thinking about the end, so this makes me feel uneasy. I didn’t want to commit, in my mind, to doing the full 4 years (it’s all part-time) it would take to complete my degree. And so that begs the question: am I going to do another module, another year?

The answer is…I think so?

I mean, I now know what it feels like to study by myself and complete a module. I did it, I can do it again. I think the next module I will be doing (analysing novels and how stories work) will be interesting, enjoyable, educational, and important for my vocation and potential future career (being an author/writer).

But one of the big reasons I chose to study in the first place was because I had nothing else going on. I was unemployed, ended my self-employment, decided I didn’t want to work as a writer in an office, and didn’t know what to do. It felt like the right thing at the right time.

Now…everything is different. I’m in a job I enjoy, which could be a career with progression. It doesn’t require a degree, although one could help with future progression or becoming a Teacher. But I don’t think I want that…I just don’t know.

A degree gives me options as well as self-development = all good things that are still true now. But it would take up my evenings and weekends, take me away from my own personal writing, and that feels like the biggest downside when (again) I don’t feel as drawn to it as something I need like I did before…

We’ll see…I have about 3-4 months to decide so it’s all good!

 

For now,  I did it, I’m proud, I’ve grown, and I’m glad I did it. I’ll keep you updated further at a later date.

Thanks for reading, friends.

 

Sincerely,

 

S. xx

The Power is Yours: Give Yourself Permission (podcast)

We’re not children anymore, we no longer have to look to our parents to give us permission to do or be what we want. Take your power back; stop seeking outside validation and permission. Give yourself permission…

Here are some “permission slip” ideas to undo negative beliefs and lack of self-worth or self-power…

Click to play!

https://srcrawfordauthor.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/the-power-is-yours-give-yourself-permission.mp3

xx

Finding Clarity: Your Agreements

Hey guys, I’m starting off the Finding Clarity Series with a post about Agreements. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, I got this term from the popular self-help book The Four Agreements. I 100% recommend that all people read this book. I listened to it on Audible and it was only 2.5 hours long yet has managed to be one of the most important books I’ve read.

Anyway, the book basically says that our “agreements” are the belief systems and rules that we have accepted throughout our lives so far. From young children, we are taught about the world, other people, ourselves, and life, and as we go, we are making “agreements” about these things by accepting them to be true.

I won’t go too much into the book itself (again, please go read it!), instead what is important to take away here is that there’s a lot of things that we have accepted in life that aren’t serving us. A lot of rules and beliefs and behaviours and emotional energy that we carry around every day. They inform our decisions, our actions, our reactions, our relationships, our hopes and dreams, and who we are. So, some pretty important stuff!

And yet, most of us are running around with wonky or downright awful agreements that are holding us back in life…

Why? Firstly, it’s not our fault. Don Miguel Ruiz points out that as children, of course, we are told things by our elders; it’s only natural for us to accept and believe them. However, what we didn’t do when we grew up was start to question these things and make a change.

Let me walk you through the steps to fixing our agreements, and perhaps I’ll share a few old ones and new ones of my own.

 

Awareness

Your first job is the most important: you need to become aware of your agreements. Perhaps calling them agreements is confusing, so let’s just say beliefs from now on. How do we become aware of our beliefs when a lot of them are so deeply embedded in us that we don’t even consider them at all? Well, you live with more intention, slowness, and attention.

This means being more mindful. Being aware of what you’re doing, thinking and feeling and then, asking why. The why is important, but first you can take it slow and just start to document these things. Of course, I’m going to suggest you keep a journal! This is a perfect way to have a document of all your actions, thoughts, feelings etc. throughout a day, week, or month. You can look back and find patterns. Those patterns are important.

When you’re ready, question where those patterns may have come from. What they might mean. Examples…

I have a tendency to call myself stupid all the time, why do I think that? Who told me that? When did I adopt this belief? What really triggered me?

I have noticed I let my partner have his way, what might that mean? What does it mean about him, myself, or my beliefs about the dynamics of our relationship?

When I’m sad, I reach for snacks above anything else, why do I do that? What hole do the snacks fill? What emotion am I numbing here?

This is your inner dialogue, inner critic, monkey mind, lizard brain, inner roommate and all the other things authors and creators have called it over the years. We all have a constant reel going on in our minds, but this is our well of important information for things we believe.

What we deeply believe informs our thoughts, feelings and actions.

 

Write them out

As you start doing this, you should get an idea of some potential agreements/beliefs. Don’t worry if they don’t sound fancy; they don’t need to. This is a personal venture towards clarity in your life. Write them down, whatever they sound like, whatever comes through – it’s all useful information.

Some ideas of my own bad agreements:

I’m not good with people.
I’m not fun or interesting.
I’m less than my siblings.
Intelligence is measured by how much you know, especially compared to others and in academic settings.
My family don’t like me and disapprove of my life choices.
There are winners and losers in life. There is a limited amount of resources or success or happiness, therefore if someone else has it, I can’t too.
Unless my actions or ideas are validated (approved, praised, accepted) by others, they’re not worthy or enough and I’m doing something wrong.
I must fit in, but I don’t.
I am morally superior to others. I am the good one.
It is my duty to be the Hero and Therapist for others because I’m a good person and that’s what good people do.

Whoa…

 

See the danger

It’s all well and good to find these agreements/beliefs, but you now have to how to question them. Hold them under the microscope and ask where they came from, what they really mean in your life, and if they’re true. Even if they are partially true, or have felt true at times, do they serve you? Are they good things for you to accept and believe and use in your life?

Probably not…

 

Rewrite

From here, you need to decide to set fire (literally, if you so wish) to these old ways. The old belief systems that have only hurt and held you back. Our agreements, when wonky like this, imprison us in our own minds and our lives. We decide not to meet new people because we believe we won’t belong. We hate ourselves whenever we get something wrong and believe that we must be idiots or intellectual inferiors to those around us.

We cut ourselves again and again, then continue to poke at that wound, when we have the power to put down the blade and let the wounds heal…

 

Firstly, let me say again, take this slow. Knowing the bad things you believe and even thinking up new things to believe takes time. You are doing the work to undo years of conditioning. You’re unlearning things that have become interwoven with your very being. That takes time. It might bring up a lot of emotions and pain and frustration, that’s healing for you. You will fall back but it’s all about going back to the first step again and again: awareness. As long as you can spot what you’re doing, it’s okay.

This journey needs a lot of self-compassion to work.

Take the specifics of your agreements and write new ones out that use similar dialogue and switch it around.

E.g. I’m not good with people -> becomes… I am very good with people because I’m a good listener, empathetic, kind, genuine, funny, and authentic.

Yes, evidence and specifics really help us to believe these things, rather than arbitrary or basic blanket statements.

I’ve explored each one in my journal for a good while, diving into what it means and where it came from and evidence that it’s not true or needed. I’ve then come up with new ways of thinking.

 

We’ll speak a bit further about this in the coming weeks/posts, so keep an eye out for them. Your homework for this post is just to start to become aware of your inner dialogue, your repetitive emotional reactions and how you behave after these thoughts and feelings occur. Another great indicator of beliefs in how you make decisions or behave in your relationships (of all kinds).

 

Until next time, folks…

Sincerely,

S. xx

 

Download and check out my workbooks and journal prompts to help you dive deeper and analyse your beliefs and emotions.

Let’s Talk About Guilt

If you are someone who often finds yourself feeling guilty (like me), then this post is for you. I think that guilt has its place. As Brene Brown says, it highlights where we have failed to do something we know we should. However, I also believe some of us, perhaps the sensitive or lower self-esteem ones of us, are taking on guilt that isn’t ours to bear. 

Here are my thoughts…

 

Firstly, there is a difference between blame and guilt. Blame comes from external forces, guilt is often internal. Guilt is an emotion, a feeling. There is also a difference between shame and guilt…

Brene Brown, “I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.“

Therefore, perhaps, it’s shame that we are feeling a lot of the time. It’s shame that is hurting us on a much deeper level. And our Shame Triggers are being activated by certain situations in which we feel guilty, rightly or wrongly.

Let’s dive in…

 

Feeling guilty for your priorities

This is a big one for me. I often feel guilty about the things I see as important. Right now, my priorities are as follows:

Work and financial stabilityLearning and growth (reading often, university work, being curious and research)Mental wellnessHappiness

Now, the only reason I didn’t list my family or my partner as a priority, is because for me, at least, that goes without saying! I don’t need to put them on a to-do list or check them against my values or anything of the sort. 

My family will always come first.

But let’s be honest, as an adult (with no children), I don’t really have to think about them. I still live with my sister and my mom. I see them every day without having to meet up or hang out. 

So, why do I feel guilty about my relationship with them?

My sister and my mom have both expressed their upset about how I have little time for them anymore. This makes me feel guilty, naturally. I feel ashamed of myself, because I value my family and their happiness and I’d hate to contribute to their upset.

BUT…

Is it my job to make them happy?

Should I drop what is important to me for them, when they don’t actually NEED me?

No.

If one of them was sincerely struggling or upset, I’d drop everything. I’ve given them my ear and my time and my heart time and again. I offer advice. I’m their shoulder to lean or cry on, always.

But I can’t do that for them all, all the time.

I can’t let my life and my priorities slip to the side to hang out or talk about nonsense, when I could be doing something I need or want to do.

 

The same goes for you.

When made to feel guilty by others, ask yourself these questions:Do I genuinely neglect them?Am I there for them when they need me?Do I spend enough time on this relationship?Do they know I’m there for them?Do I treat them badly?

If you can sincerely answer these and it turns out that you’ve done nothing wrong, shed that guilt. Shed that shame.

 

Feeling guilty about what you want in life (your choices)

I want to be an international best-selling author. I want to see as much of the world as I can. I want to continue to learn and grow and be fascinated by the world. I want to have my own beautiful home and family.

I have every right to want those things, and so do you.

If you feel guilty about wanting certain things in life, ask yourself why? Where is that guilt coming from? Inside or from others? From a societal standard that you’re forcing on yourself? From a belief system or teachings from childhood?

As long as you’re not hurting anyone (or yourself), you can want and pursue whatever you like!

At times, my wants have affected others. I’ve pursued my writing, left jobs, or dropped out of uni and this has affected my mom and my partner. However, these things were never done selfishly. I always asked how they felt about my decisions first. And they’ve always supported me.

Because that’s the thing, the right people won’t make you feel bad for wanting what you want. As long as it’s appropriate, healthy, safe, or good, they should support you or at least help you if they can.

Don’t feel guilty for wanting lots of money or leaving family life behind. Don’t feel guilty for not wanting to get married. Your life is yours to live, don’t let anyone else dictate that for you, otherwise, you’ll resent them forever.

 

Feeling guilty about how others are feeling

Back to my mom and my sister, for example. I can’t feel guilty about them missing me. We’re adults; we won’t, of course, hang out as much as we used to. That’s life. I have a partner and my own life now, and no one should feel guilty for that. As I say, as long as you’re not neglecting your family, you needn’t carry that shame.

You are not responsible for how others feel.

And so, that’s not my burden to carry. It’s not your job to fix people. It’s not your job to make them happy. It’s not your job to make their life good. For us all, these are an internal duty of care to ourselves.

 

Feeling guilty about your beliefs and values

This is one that you should never, EVER, give in to. Don’t let others or the media or anything else jeopardise your values and beliefs. Again, as long as they’re healthy, you have every right to believe what you believe and stick to your values.

Values are important. They are a situation-independent guiding system for what you want and who you are. To then feel guilty or ashamed of that is ridiculous, and quite frankly, very sad.

I believe in and value: learning, creativity, spirituality, and empathy. There is nothing wrong with these things. There’s nothing wrong with putting them first.

I will not feel guilty for taking time to: write, read, meditate, yoga, journal, breathe, study, or anything else.

I shouldn’t feel guilty for more serious things, either, like not wanting to get married or have a baby just yet – things of which I have felt guilty about because my partner’s family are more traditional and therefore want that for us.

But that wouldn’t make me happy right now.

What others want you to do, believe, say, think, or prioritise is not your concern! Let them live by their values, while you happily live by yours; otherwise, you live an unhappy, inauthentic life (and no one wants that).

 

At the end of the day, it all comes down to being honest with yourself. If you are authentic, self-aware, and honest, then you and you alone will know and police your guilt. You will know whether it is needed or misplaced.

Hold up your hands when you are in the wrong, but goddamn it(!), put your hands down and don’t apologise for living your life if you are sure that you’re just being true to yourself for health and happiness.

 

Take care, guys

 

Sincerely,

 

S. xx