S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 39

Racial Education: Being Uncomfortable, Vulnerability and Allyship

I’m not just talking to white people here. Being an ally is also for other ethnic groups because I, as a Mixed Race (Black Caribbean and White British, Irish) cisgender woman will have no lived experience compared to say an Indian, Hindu man; or a Japanese lesbian; or a Native American Transgender woman etc. etc.

We all have certain privileges. I have the privilege to not have to worry about prejudices to do with complex gender identities or sexuality. Privilege not to have assumptions or hatred or violence due to my religion or culture.

I’m speaking to all of you; we all need to be better allies for other communities.

 

Perfectionism

A video that I watched about a man’s lessons about race was very insightful for me as a person of colour. He mentioned perfectionism as a reason why some people don’t speak up about things like race and culture etc. As if it is an okay excuse to not show your allyship. (He got this from a book called Me and White Supremacy, which is on my reading list)

This isn’t right. We will all remain silent forever if we wait until we’re an expert in something before speaking about it. I for one (and he said this too) have spoken about topics that I’m no expert in, yet at the time I felt passionate or excited about it and so I spoke up.

So why can’t we also speak up about racial injustice and POC stories, even if we do get it wrong at times? (And when we do get it wrong, apologise, learn, and do better next time?)

Don’t give in to the fear of failure.

I’d rather a friend try and get it wrong but still stand with me, than a silent friend who doesn’t see it as her place to join the conversation.

 

Self-Education

He also mentioned something that a lot of people are saying on social media: it is not a black person’s job to explain their lived experiences to you.

He openly shared how he used to think his minority ethnic (although, we’re not minorities, we’re the GLOBAL MAJORITY!) friends should explain how things are racist because they’re the ones offended. But no.

People of colour have enough to carry and worry about every day, so then carrying the burden of educating everyone else is just not right or fair to ask for. Especially not in a moment when they’re probably feeling emotional and upset.

You are responsible for educating yourself.

If you want to be an ally; if you want to be a good person and do the right thing by friends and communities and THIS WHOLE WORLD FOR ALL OF US TO LIVE IN EQUALLY, then educate yourself. That education will take time. You’ll think that you understand and then be checked again and have to go back to the books.

But that’s okay!

At school, how long did it take to graduate? How about uni, how much effort did it take? Was it worth it? Do you now know everything and should stop learning? Hell no!

So the same goes for racial education (that’s what I’m calling it!). It will take time; you’ll fail tests, but you’ll get back up and keep going if you’re truly an ally.

 

Hard conversations

Again, I’d rather my friends tried to speak up or listen to my experience than to stay silent and pretend it isn’t their fight to fight.

How can we be real friends if you don’t have my back? If you can’t listen and try to understand my experiences?

That might sound harsh, and I might be asking for a lot if you’re completely new to this, but conversations that are hard shouldn’t be ignored or silenced. We need to lean into them (as my bestie Brene Brown would say!).

Lean into the vulnerability and discomfort because guess what, people of colour are more than uncomfortable every damn day. Just out in the street or in the shops, watched and feeling like some other species or a threat. Our voices break and we get emotional and we get accused of being angry and yet we still speak.

So, will you sit in discomfort with us, as Brene says, and have empathy for us as we open a dialogue and have difficult conversations?

Getting defensive when the word racist or racism comes up, means you are making the conversation about you or the power behind the word ‘racist’. When in actuality, it’s about how what was said was wrong. And you don’t get to tell me that it wasn’t wrong; if it makes me feel small, or other, or labelled, or shunned, or dismissed, or silenced, because of what was said.

Instead, take a breath, think about it from the other person’s perspective. Ask for clarification (without being hostile or confrontational), apologise for REAL (no half-arsed apologies, like “sorry you got upset” which isn’t a real apology; that’s passive-aggression), and vow to do better.

There are many layers to racism that you don’t know about; don’t assume your words are harmless, even when (especially when, perhaps) talking to a “friend”.

 

Tone-checking black people

Like I say, black people get accused of being too angry when talking about their pain. Hmm, I wonder why that might be…

Pain hurts, right? When talking about someone who attacked you, you might be crying and shouting and feeling weak and yet trying to be strong, right?

Or speaking about a family member who died, your voice breaks and you cry and you might get hysterical and break things in your emotional turmoil which is, at times, a very physical pain experience.

So why is it not okay for BIPoC to give in to their emotions when speaking about racial injustice and racist experiences?

Their emotion makes you feel uncomfortable? Well, sorry, I’m not hear to make you comfortable with my pain.

 

Why do white people think it’s okay to say:

There’s no need to get angry or hysterical
If you just calmed down I might listen
Why do you always get so angry and upset?
Don’t get angry at me
Don’t get so offended
Stop making everything about race
Don’t take everything so seriously, it was just a joke
People just get upset about everything these days!

Just because you’re uncomfortable with my pain, doesn’t mean you get to tell me how to feel or express it.

 

Lived experience versus intellectual understanding

Example: Say you did all the research there is to do on living in Africa; you’ve studied for twenty years on books and podcasts and videos and talks with other intellectuals…does that make you an expert? Yes, perhaps.

But then what about the person who has lived in Africa all their life? They’ve lived up and down the country. Their family has been there the whole time. They’re fluent in many African languages purely from living there.

Who has more experience? Who can really, truly, have a higher stance on what it’s like to live in Africa?

 

I say this because some people think just because they have a partner or friend who is black or Asian or other, that they cannot be racist or prejudice. Like they’ve got a free-pass on everything they say or do.

That just because they’ve read some books on race, they must be immune to racism now.

No, no, sir!

Everyone can be prejudice. In fact, we all are. It is not enough to feel that racism is bad and you are a good person and you have friends who are BIPoC. You have not been let off the hook.

Your words still hold power and can cut me down with one strike.

Check your privilege.

(I’ve said this, too: “I’m with the LGBTQ+ community, of course, my sister is a lesbian!” But no, that does not make me incapable of being prejudice.)

 

Speak even if your voice trembles

Lastly, just know, as I said in the beginning, it’s supposed to be hard. The systems and conditioned learning we’ve ALL done about who is superior and what we’re supposed to think and feel about POC makes it hard.

Don’t blame or shun or leave the POC and other marginalised groups alone out in the cold just because it’s hard for you.

I know there’s so much I don’t understand about racial injustice and the history of the treatment of people of colour. I am ignorant of the lived experiences and lifestyle of trans people, or the many layers of gender identity and sexuality.

But we all need to do better. All of us.

Be an ally, even if your voice shakes. Be brave enough to do something that’s uncomfortable, for the betterment of our world and the inclusion of all its beautiful people.

You get to be an ally in whichever way you can and are able. I will not tell you how to do so. But 100%, it is everyone’s job to stand up against racism and any prejudice we witness. That person at the receiving end of it needs your help.

 

READ: This Book is Anti-Racist by Tiffany Jewell (finished it yesterday, such a great start for being anti-racist and learning about BIPoc history)

Thank you and take care.

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

6 Everyday Ways to Feel Free

For a long time, I’ve sought freedom over happiness. Happiness is an emotion; emotions come and go. Instead, freedom can be captured at any moment. Freedom is something we can determine.

I guess what I’m saying is, we decide if we’re trapped or if we’re free.

Philosophy aside, here are some fun, everyday ways to just let go, throw caution to the wind, and finally feel a sense of freedom and inner peace…

 

Dance like no one is watching

This one makes me think of Amy’s funky dance moves from Brooklyn 99! I always think of her when I’m cold and I’m dancing in the street to get warm. You can also picture Chandler’s dancing from Friends or Carlton from The Fresh Prince. Whoever your go-to character dancer, channel that mood and just let it all move through you.

Pop on some music, cheesy or not, and let your body move however it wants to. Let your limbs be tugged by the music; a phantom puppeteer.

I love the breathlessness and ache that comes from a good, free, go-for-it solo dance party!

 

Run with your arms flailing

And of course for this one, I think of Phoebe from Friends, running next to an embarrassed Rachel with her arms waving everywhere! Run fast and free and whacky like when you were a kid. See how far and fast you can go, just because. Let your body fill with electricity and awaken again.

Just look ahead at an open stretch of the path and go for it, gung ho!

 

Sing loud and proud

Let your heart be lifted by a song that you know all the lyrics to (or not quite!) There is something so freeing about singing and not actually caring if you’re any good.

This brings me back to driving home from my office back in 2018. It was an hour and a half long journey after an 8-hour, boring day and so the only way I survived 7 months at the job was to sing my heart out as loud as I could on the commute.

Hurtin’ Me by Stefflon Don was my song back then. I also love getting really emotional and singing along to Never Enough or This is Me from The Greatest Showman!

 

Play in nature

Nothing gets more free-feeling that nature. God’s natural plan for our world. Get out in the great outdoors and you’re already feeling free. Now, top that off by allowing yourself to play like you’re 9 again!

Climb trees, skip rocks, walk through a stream and watch it wash over your shoes, and get dirt under your nails again. Breath in the open air and let it enliven you.

Live, live, live!

 

Laugh until your stomach hurts

Laughter really is the best medicine. I don’t mean that suppressed laughter you do when you’re in company. I mean full-on snorting, head thrown back, throat jiggling, true guttural laughter! The laughter that is the singing of the soul.

There is real freedom and beauty and poetry in a person who is not afraid to laugh their true laugh. It’s a test of unconditional love! I want you breathless, panting, aching, holding on to the sofa for stability when you laugh.

Kevin Hart’s stand-ups do that for me. Also, some of my favourite shows do with a good line/moment here and there.

 

Create something with abandon

And lastly, we need to get back to creating just for the bloody sake of it. No goal, no self-development, no deadline or expectation, no sharing on socials. Just creating for the pure joy of filling a page.

Draw, write or paint whatever silly, fun thing that comes to mind. Colour outside of the lines! Let go of the rules or what you think would work well or wanting/needing to be really good at it.

JUST DO IT!

Express. Bleed. Give birth. Witness. Be.

 

What do all of these things have in common? They’re things we effortlessly did as children. Back when we didn’t care about how we looked or what was appropriate or serious things! Back when we were totally free.

If you ever feel stuck, unsure, scared, tired, bored, sad, lonely, or anything else that comes with the burden of adulthood, let your inner child take the wheel for a moment and set yourself free.

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

10 Questions to Ask Yourself If You Think Racism Doesn’t Exist Anymore

Here is a questionnaire to help you realise that Racism very much does exist, even without the very OBVIOUS displays of it with police brutality in America and mass incarceration etc. etc.

(These are very gentle, easy to answer questions. Not aggressive or personal or rude, but an easy way to shine a light on the structural and institutionalised racism that very much still exists in many parts of the world, not just America.)

How many books have you read by a non-white author?
How many books featuring a non-white MAIN character?
How many times have you read a book where the race is only specified for the non-white characters? (spoiler alert, white is assumed to be the norm, that’s why!)
How many films have you watched with a non-white MAIN character?
How many films have you watched that aren’t about race or culture that have a non-white main character?
How many TV shows with a non-white MAIN character?
How many TV shows or films with a non-white love interest that the MC is chasing after?
How many times have you seen the sassy black woman, the wise older black person, the token black friend who acts like they have an attitude, the angry black woman, the gangster or thug, portrayed in film and TV as the only representation of a non-white character?
How many times has a dodgy, awful accent been used on a non-white character, like the forced Indian accent or the Jamaican or African accent in the shows or films you’ve watched?
How many times did the non-white character get put in a positive spotlight, only because they were a star athlete or grand singer (Black), or math-whiz (Asian) who’s great at school?

 

Even if you had some good answers to these questions, like I do, the problem is that the odds aren’t even. The ratio is off. You are more likely to read or watch and see 100 white characters or authors and creators to the few non-white ones.

Fact, people of colour are not seen as the norm. They aren’t the default character. They aren’t displayed on our screens and in our books as much as they should be, and as accurately as they should be.

And this is just in the entertainment industry! Imagine what the odds are like in other industries and communities. Racial prejudice and discrimination and stereotyping and assumptions and shunning are still very, VERY real.

See an old post on TV shows featuring POC characters to help tip the scale.

See my last post on how to educate yourself about racial injustice and the lives of POC.

Thank you.

 

Sincerely,

S.xx

 

Your Insecurities Aren’t Special (podcast)

We all have insecurities, that much has always been clear; but what if I said we all have the same ones in common, it’s just they manifest in different ways?

Today I’m rambling and ranting about insecurities, emotional triggers, and our fear that we don’t stake up. I’ll be tackling the big three:

Intelligence
Body image
Financial success

Click to play!

https://srcrawfordauthor.files.wordpress.com/2020/06/your-insecurities-arent-special.m4a

As I mentioned in the podcast, here is the list of different types of intelligence that I couldn’t remember!

Types of intelligence:

In 1983 an American developmental psychologist Howard Gardener described 9 types of intelligence:

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Naturalist (nature smart)
Musical (sound smart)
Logical-mathematical (number/reasoning smart)
Existential (life smart)
Interpersonal (people smart)
Bodily-kinesthetic (body smart)
Linguistic (word smart)
Intra-personal (self smart)
Spatial (picture smart)

(https://blog.adioma.com/9-types-of-intelligence-infographic/)

Also an image I found that interested me:

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Check out the Finding Clarity series as mentioned in the podcast, too.

xx

My Thoughts on Race and Racism

Firstly, if you’ve clicked on this post, I assume you’re either black or POC or someone at least interested in learning more so thank you for your time.

Secondly, I’ll start by saying that I am ignorant. It’s not the small few who are ignorant; it’s the majority. Me included. I haven’t read enough about my own history and my own people. It’s sad but it’s not odd. Most of us haven’t because our society hasn’t allowed those stories to be shared so easily; to be the norm in classrooms. So for now, it’s our responsibility to provide that education for ourselves.

Education is perhaps the strongest and longest lasting change we can make.

 

EASY WAYS TO LEARN MORE:

Watch shows like Black-ish where they always tackle black issues and don’t shy away from hard topics, while also making you laugh and smile and root for the characters.

Watch films and shows on Netflix that address these issues (link here to some). Read or watch The Hate U Give which is a Young Adult/Teen book, so it’s not a hard, complicated read. Same with the likes of Ghost Boys and Dear Martin etc. (reading list later in this post).

 

I have experienced racism. I think every POC has even if it’s mild; but mild is still too much. Racism may be more subtle for some people, but it is there.

Token black friend statusReduced to black stereotypesHearing “I’m not racist, I have a friend who’s black” “Friends” touching your hair and putting things in it because it’s curly or a ‘FroYou must be good at sportsAt the end of black “jokes” and told to take it as a joke while they never get any white jokes sent their wayResearching if a country is racist before going there (I do this because my partner is black, dark skin at that)Being called a Paki and a Mars BarCalled a sexy black girl, as if they had to specify my raceBeing told by a girl in class “I like black people and I like white people, but I don’t think they should mix…” I’m Mixed Race…

 

My experience is the low end of the spectrum, but it makes me feel OTHER nonetheless, which is a horrible feeling. I feel safer, more me and accepted, in the black community even though I’m equal parts black and white.

 

It’s not that other races don’t face racism; of course they do, especially POC and other cultures bar Western ones. But the FACT is, white people do have a privilege to not have to worry about their skin colour posing a problem or threat as they simply go about their lives.

Fact. Period.

Again, White Privilege does not mean you haven’t suffered or that you’re rich or whatever other wrong assumptions. It means your skin colour means you don’t face struggle BECAUSE OF YOUR SKIN.

 

And it’s not enough to not be racist; you have to be anti-racist. As in, sticking up for your black and POC friends. It means doing your research so you can understand their struggle better. It means checking your privilege and assumptions and miseducation. 

It means when you’re called out for saying something racist, that you don’t get angry and defensive. 

Please, for the love of god, if someone calls you out on something racist, it does not mean you ARE a racist; it means what you said was. You don’t get to argue against that, because my experience is not dictated by you.

Instead, listen, try to understand and honour my experience and feelings. We all say things we don’t mean, or things come out wrong, or we don’t realise how we make others feel. So when we’re called out on that, we must listen.

All of us.

And open your mind, allow yourself to be uncomfortable as you’re learning. Uncomfortable having discussions. Uncomfortable with the truth. No one said change is easy and you’re part of the problem if you keep running from that.

Feeling shame or guilt is horrible, and it’s not personal in this case, but feeling it means you understand the pain we feel and that’s a good, negative emotion to honour.

And it’s okay to realise that you had things wrong before; it’s great actually, it means you’ve grown. Embrace that.

And As Ibram X. Kendi says, it wasn’t your fault that you had it wrong; all of us have been brainwashed to believe the wrong things about race.

 

It’s not just protests and social media sharing – which are absolutely great and thank you if you have. It’s about educating yourself and your peers.

For me personally, it’s me no longer allowing “casual” black jokes. No longer being the token black friend. No longer shrinking to let others take up space. No longer hiding my blackness.

 

It’s putting money in black people’s pockets! Please, this is so important. It’s celebrating and honouring the work of amazing black people and voices. There are so many books (fiction and non-fiction), films, artwork, poetry, businesses, TV shows, products etc. that were made by black hands and need to be given a platform to be shared by millions just as easily as it is for white stories.

People of Colour deserve to be represented on TV as the norm, too.

Check out my post of the importance of representation.

 

My TBR black voices list:

Non-fiction

How to Be Anti-Racist, Ibram X. KendiMe and White Supremacy, Layla F. SaadStamped: Racism, Anti-Racism and You, by Jason ReynoldsWhite Tears/ Brown Scars, Ruby HamadWell-Read Black Girl, Glory EdimThis Book is Anti-Racist, by Tiffany JewellBetween the World and Me, Ta-Nehisi CoatesWhite Fragility, Robin DiangeloAnti-Racist Baby, Ibram X. KendiCitizen: An American Lyric, Claudia RankineBlack and British, David OlusogaNatives, Akala (currently listening on Audible)The Good Immigrant, Nikesh ShuklaBrit(ish), Afua HirschBlack, Listed, by Jeffery BoakyeHow to Argue with a Racist, Adam RutherfordGirl, Woman, Other, Bernadine EvaristoRainbow Milk, Paul MendezSlay in Your Lane: Black Girl Bible (I heard these women speak at Waterstones and I love everything they say so I have the book but haven’t read it yet)Taking Up Space: Black Girl Manifesto for ChangeI Will Not Be Erased, Gal-DemNotes of a Native Son, James Baldwin

 

Fiction books:

Kindred, Octavia ButlerA Blade so Black, L. L. McKinneyDear Martin, Nic StoneGhost Boys, Jewell Parker RhodesThe Water Dancer, Ta-Nehisi CoatesBlack Leopard, Red Wolf, Marlon JamesParable of Sower, Octavia ButlerPet, Akwaeke EmeziShe Would Be King, Wayetu MoorePride, Ibi Zoboi (a Pride and Prejudice retelling!)Akata Witch, Nnedi OkoraforWho Fears Death, Nnedi OkoraforDread Nation, Justina IrelandHow Long Til Black Future Month?, N. K. JemisinTristan Strong Punches a Hole in the Sky, Kwame MbaliaMonday’s Not Coming, Tiffany D. JacksonSlay, Brittany MorrisThe Misadventures of an Awkward Black Girl, Issa Rae

 

Books I’ve read which featured Black MCs or black stories:Queenie, Candice Carty-WilliamsChildren of Blood and Bone (series), Tomi AdemyemiThe Hate U Give, Angie ThomasWhy I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race, Reni Eddo-Lodge (it’s not what you think, not an anti-white people book)Me & Mom & Me, Maya AngelouTwo of Oprah’s books (anything she writes and says it gold!)Becoming, Michelle ObamaTwelve Years a Slave, Soloman NorthupI Can’t Make This Up, Kevin HartAround the Way Girl, Taraji P. Henson

(A sad, short list…)

 

Don’t be scared or put off by the TBR list. Start with one that interests you, simple. You can listen on Audible, get them second-hand, ask a friend, whatever. But books are a beautiful and expansive form of education, so I will always advocate for them first.

But there are also podcasts to listen to on Spotify and Apple or whichever platform you use. Literally just search “racism” and you will find loads. 

 

It’s not a trend. Black Lives Matter, always. Anyone fighting against our voices is against us and not any friend of mine.

Educate yourself, educate others, empower black voices. Always.

There’s so much more I could say (police brutality, systemic racism, stop and search bias, black fear, white supremacy, slavery isn’t a forgotten history, the generalising of individual negativities for people of colour) but I’ll leave that to the books and podcasts and well-educated black people who have already put it into moving, important texts.

Look it up.

 

POC, take care of yourselves right now more than ever. Sending my love.

 

Sincerely,

S. xx

Finding Clarity: Last Thoughts and Where to Go from Here

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Download the Finding Clarity Workbook for a guide and questions related to this series of posts to find clarity in your life.

So here we are at the end of the series and I wanted to share any last nuggets and ideas for you to take away with you. Thank you for making it this far…

 

What gets in the way of our values, agreements and metrics and healing?

Unawareness (not being aware of what you’re doing, saying, thinking, feeling or why; or what others are doing etc.)
Lack of being present in the NOW
Lack clarity (being clear and specific)
Too much/ no essentialism
Aspirational versus practised values/ not practising what you preach

 

“Aspirational Values” – the elusive list of values that come from best intentions

“Practiced Values” – what we actually live, feel, behave, and think

So, be careful of what values you choose and which ones you’re actually practising and choosing actively on a daily basis.

 

Set yourself free

You are the sole determiner of your choices, happiness and fate. Finally giving yourself permission to determine your life, your metrics for success, and your happiness does one grand beautiful thing: it sets you free.

You cut the strings that held you anchored to this society of rules and assessments and Dos and Don’ts and agreements and the outdated and wonky ways of living. They just imprison you. But the funny thing is, we all listen and walk willingly into that prison…

In reality, we are all the wardens of our own lives. The judge, the jury. We determine what’s alowed, what’s right, what’s best, what success looks like, and what happiness is. We’re not kids anymore and so we get to hold the power, give ourselves permission and set ourselves free.

 

Your clarity system

What are the tools and tricks that are personal to you for when you need more clarity in life? Some to consider, and ones that I use are:

Journaling,
Questioning (asking yourself specific, deep questions and keep going deeper with WHY),
Meditating,
Yoga,
Your support system of loved ones,
Brain dumps

Clarity comes from simplifying your life, your options, your thoughts. This means having less to think about and consider. Less to overwhelm and clutter your mind and space. This makes decision making easier.

 

Clear questions

The key to clarity is knowing the right questions to ask and when. The right, intentional, focused questions.

A good string of questions includes a why. An honest asking and answering to WHY.

Most of the time I think we know the answers to our questions. The hard part is knowing the right questions to ask ourselves.

 

Journal and thought prompts

Check out my journal prompts and worbook page to get your thoughts rolling.

Check out journal prompts online.

Check out the journal and thought prompts in Sacred Powers, one of the first books I read for this series.

 

Untethered and Non-attachment:

Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael Singer

I’ve only just finished reading this book at the time of writing this, so I didn’t want to talk too much about something so fresh. Plus, I’ve taken less notes with this one, as it’s a bit too spiritual and philosophical for practical life advice! However, I do recommend it to all of you. It is a great book for those who do want a spiritual take on life; those who want clarity through being unattached to who you think you are…

You are not your thoughts, feelings, past, or future. You are simply the witnesser, the watcher, the seer of these things. You, the real you, is just consciousness. You are the thing that hears your thoughts, not the ‘person’ speaking.

As I say, this is a complex thing to explain, so please go listen if you’re intrigued, but some topics it discussed and for you to consider are:

Letting go: let things pass through you without resistance instead of letting it sit inside of you
Be in the seat of awareness
Stop fighting for or against; or protecting your pain
Witness a thought or feeling or experience, and then move on, let go
Open your heart, don’t let it close

One of the key things I’ve taken from this book and have thought about a little (but need more info about) is non-attachment. Not being unattached, which makes me think of disengaged and disassociation. That sounds like not caring. But we should care, just about less things (see the values and metrics posts).

Instead it’s not being attached to a goal, an outcome, an identity, a person, a thing, and so on. Recognising you don’t need anything because you, your consciousness, is and has all that it needs. You can’t be upset and frustrated if you weren’t attached to getting that job, getting married, moving to New York, that dog, that book deal, that hair growth, that 1000 Likes on Instagram, winning that race etc…

It’s not giving up or giving in; it’s letting go…

 

Dos and Don’ts from now on:

DO keep trying to find what works for you with trial and error.
DONT let others decide what you should value and how you should determine your success.
DO trust without holding on too tightly
DONT hold on to everything and keep problems and hate inside
DO let things pass through you

 

Things to research (I am too):

Essentialism
Minimalism
Non-attachment
Shadow Work
Spirituality as a whole
Energies
Buddhist teachings

Thanks for your time, I hope we both can find more clarity in our lives.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Download and check out my workbooks and journal prompts to help you dive deeper and analyse your beliefs and emotions.

You Are Not Selfish: Selfishness V. Self-Care (podcast)

Have you ever been called selfish by someone you care about, and then questioned if it was true? I have. Or at least, I’ve been made to feel selfish for choosing myself. And this isn’t uncommon, which is why I also did a post about guilt not long ago.

But I give you permission to shed that guilt and get clear on what selfishness really is, so that you can see the difference between self-care (choosing the self) and selfishness.

Click to play!

https://srcrawfordauthor.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/you-are-not-selfish-selfishness-v.-self-care-2.m4a

S. xx

Finding Clarity: Resources for Seeking Clarity

WARNING!

This page is going to be full of so much information that it will be overwhelming. But, this isn’t about doing everything; suddenly buying all the books, subscribing to all the channels, or listening to all the podcasts. Instead, keep this page handy for whenever you are looking for some information and don’t know where to get it.

Also, these books, YouTubers and Podcasts were people and things I found and consumed over YEARS! Do not expect yourself to consume them all at once, and I think it would be counterproductive to do so. Too much information overload means you can’t take it all in. Plus, some of the info may contradict one another (that happens, that’s okay) and so taking it all on at once will just confuse you.

Breathe, it’s okay, one thing at a time here…

 

Books:

Get an Audible subscription and a Kindle, it really does make it easier to read more books as well as take notes. With a Kindle, you can highlight passages easily and they sync with your Goodreads account! I have the notes app on my phone and take notes as I’m reading. I also actively partake in the activities in the books. The only way to get real value from them is to take notes and apply them to your life.

Not everything you read will resonate. It doesn’t have to. Take what serves and leave the rest. This means that you get to kind of “cheat” with non-fiction books. If a chapter doesn’t sound like your cup of tea (from reading the first paragraph or so) skip it! This is your life, your time, your learning and life-changing process to do it as you need to.

 

Definite Reads:

Rising Strong , by Brene Brown
The Gifts of Imperfection , by Brene Brown (read this one first, I did)
The Power of Vulnerability , Brene Brown
Daring Greatly , by Brene Brown
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck , by Mark Manson
The Four Agreements , by Don Miguel Ruiz
Sacred Powers , by David Ji
The Path Made Clear , Oprah Winfrey

Emotional Intelligence: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Emotions and Raising Your EQ, by Ian Tuhovsky

*Buy second hand where possible!*

Interesting possible reads for you that I’ve read:

The Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer
Wisdom of Insecurity, by Alan Watts
The Wisdom of No Escape, Pema Chodron
Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
Very Good Lives, J. K. Rowling
The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle

 

Still on my To-Be-Read list that could help us both (I own these ones):

Wherever You Go, There You Are, by Jon Kabat-Zinn
Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman
Braving the Wilderness, Brene Brown
When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron
The 7 Habits of Highly Effect People, by Stephen R. Covey
A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle
Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, Marie Kondo
The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg

 

TBR books (I don’t yet own):

Atomic Habits, James Clear
I Thought It Was Just Me, Brene Brown
Think Like a Monk, Jay Shetty

 

YouTube:

This is a harder one, because of course YouTubers I enjoy could put out whatever and I’d probably watch it! I’ve grown to like certain people: their style, aesthetic, content, personalities, insights etc. They are people who read books that I’m interested in, and a large amount of the books I’ve read have come recommended by my fav YouTubers.

 

So, here are some that I watch each week. Take it or leave it, it’s up to you.

Kalyn Nicholson (more Vloggy) & her other channel KOZE (life talks)
Lavendaire
Muchelle B
Matt D’Avella
Nathaniel Drew
No Back Up Plan (Nathaniel’s other channel)
Jay Shetty
Better Ideas
Sorelle Amore
 Erin May Henry


Others of interest/videos to look for:

Mindspo
VlogBrothers
Crash Course
Yoga with Adrienne
Anna Akana
Alivia D’Andrea
OWN
Super Soul Sunday
“Brene Brown talks/interviews”
“Elizbeth Gilbert talks/interviews”
“Boundary setting”
TED
The School of Life

There’s a lot you can learn from a video if you take notes and watch with intention.

 

Podcasts:

As you will see, my go-to podcasters are also my go-to YouTubers, mostly. You can also search for podcasts by category or topic, e.g. “self-help”, “meditation”, “self-discovery”, “self-development” etc.

Coffeetalk Podcast with Kalyn Nicholson
Lavendaire Lifestyle
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Awesome with Alison
TED

 

Topics to study/get interested in:

You can learn a lot about yourself, others, the world and your values through reading around certain topics, such as these…

Psychology
Philosophy
Creativity
Mythology
Life-coaching
Cultures and Customs
Sociology

 

Other:

Pinterest – I find so many interesting infographics and images about the things I’ve discussed during this series, check out my Mental Health and Life Advice boards to see what I mean
Other social media (but be careful: there’s a thin line between inspiration and jealousy, judgment, comparison, and all that)
Open conversations with all kinds of people

 

There you have it, a lot of places to get you started! Remember, this is your journey and so it’s important to find who and what works for you personally.

 

Sincerely,

S.xx

Download and check out my workbooks and journal prompts to help you dive deeper and analyse your beliefs and emotions.

Finding Clarity: Shame, Wounds, Healing

Hey guys, welcome back to the Finding Clarity Series! Today’s post is a deep one, an important one, but also one that I can provide a lot less specific advice about because our wounds and our need for healing are all different.

Just know, firstly, that your wounds can heal if you stop poking them and start caring for them instead.

Here are some things to think about in terms of identifying your shame triggers, emotional wounds and a journey towards healing…

 

Healing from the past

Watch this: Lavendaire’s video on Healing from Past Wounds and Emotional Trauma, it also comes with a worksheet that I’ve used to work through my own past wounds.

Emotional wounds and scars are what people call our trauma, fears, belief systems, and painful memories and experiences. Things that happened in our past and have left traces in our lives to this day.

When we talk about “triggers” these usually come from unhealed past experiences that still cause you strong emotional reactions now.

As I say, what you need to revisit and heal is not for me to determine, but…

Here are some things to look out for that may indicate a wound that needs tending to:

Getting angry easily about certain topics
Defensiveness or putting up armour
Things you “don’t want to talk about”
Feeling the burning, sickly feeling of shame
Deep overwhelming sadness
Jealousy
Old metrics (measurements), values, or beliefs you used to live by and find yourself going back to

“You might be done with your past, but your past isn’t done with you.”

Language for healing

Language and dialogue are key to understanding yourself, having healthy communication and understanding others.

“I am feeling X which was triggered by Y and now I know I need to Z.”

Emotional Intelligence is so important to healing and self-understanding. This is because we find it hard to know what we’re feeling and why without emotional education and maturity. This starts, for me at least, with the right language for identifying how we feel.

I’m feeling angry.

I’m feeling shame.

I’m feeling anxious.

I’m feeling frustrated.

I’m feeling jealous.

Picture the characters from Inside Out, the Pixar film! All emotions play a role and are valid. Don’t think that just because it’s a typically negative emotion that it should be something you run from.

Emotions are just feedback. As Mark Manson says, “Negative emotions are a call to action, a sign of unresolved and unaddressed issues.“

They are “signposts” not “commandments,” he says, meaning we “shouldn’t always trust our emotions, we should make a habit of questioning them.”

All this starts with awareness. Being able to point out, “Oh, I’m feeling something here…I think it’s X.” And then, curiosity about what it might mean, “I feel X and maybe it could be because of Y. What does that mean? How can I move forwards?”

Emotional literacy is important for any healthy, wholehearted, well-managed, functional adult! Going around, feeling things like crazy, having no idea what is happening, what it means, what it’s making you do, or what to do about it is reckless and damaging. It sets you back and only hinders your life.

Bettering your emotional intelligence could be the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationships (all of them) in this world.

 

Shame

One emotion that has a lot of depth to it and can ruin our lives if left unattended is SHAME. Brene Brown is the queen of Shame as a Shame Researcher herself. It was through reading her book Daring Greatly recently that I identified more shame and shame triggers in myself than I realised.

Some thoughts from Brene:

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.”

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”

“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.”

 

Shame lives on secrecy. It grows bigger and stronger in the dark. When we speak it, shed a light on it, it cannot live. Brene says this must be done with people we trust and who can hear our story without judgement. People who reply with empathy and kindness.

Hiding parts of yourself only hurts you. It’s not just shame around something in particular, it becomes about being ashamed of who you are.

I realised that I hadn’t told certain family members about studying again for fear of judgement, repeating the past, and pressure. Basically, I was allowing shame to win. Instead, I’ve now told them and it went as I should have expected: they didn’t care or react as badly as I thought.

We often think the worst. We build things up in our minds, turning a black cat into a vicious monster. But when we speak to those we love and who support and love us unconditionally, we take away shame’s power over us.

Even if my family had reacted badly, as my Sister-in-Law said when I spoke it through with her first, “It doesn’t matter because those who do matter love you and support you anyway no matter what you choose. Focus on them, other people don’t count.”

 

Reparenting yourself and Inner Child work

I’m just starting to unravel this one, so I won’t say too much. I think a lot of healing, self-acceptance, freedom, clarity, love, and worthiness comes from reparenting ourselves and speaking with our inner child. If you’re struggling emotionally, it’s likely that there are childhood scars – they’re often the deepest.

These aren’t always big traumas; even smaller ones that seem like nothing can still live inside of us and hurt us every day.

These are words like:

Shut up!
You look ridiculous!
I can’t believe you got an F, are you even trying?
You’re embarrassing me!
I can’t look at you right now.
Are you stupid?
Why can’t you be like so-and-so?
I wish you’d just be better!

Parents are human and humans make mistakes. None of us truly appreciate our words and how they can hurt others. When we are parents, we too will say things we don’t mean or things we think are harmless but actually teach our kids the wrong lessons in life.

What our parents say can lead to:

Perfectionism problems
Shame triggers
People-pleasing
Seeking outside validation
Hustling for self-worth
Fears
Shrinking
Defence mechanisms
Wonky belief systems

In Daring Greatly, Brene says who are as people/parents does a lot more than what they say. As in, how we treat ourselves and live our own lives sends messages to our children. As kids, we mimic the behaviours we see. This, too, leaves belief systems and behaviours and values that could be hurting us now.

So, if you have a parent who hated themselves, never looked after themselves, and has low confidence, you too are likely to struggle.

If you had a parent who strived to be perfect, expected perfection out of you, too, you will now never feel good enough.

 

Work through that with a therapist, a loved one or a journal. What does the child inside of you need now?

 

Analyse insecurities

I took a moment to open a Word Doc and work through all my feelings, fears, old ideas, new ideas, and beliefs about my insecurities. The first one I did was intelligence. I might share some of what I wrote because I know a lot of people have insecurities around intelligence, too.

But the thing is, nothing is simple. The only reason we feel insecure, not enough, less-than about things like intelligence is because we’ve been thinking about that thing all wrong.

It comes down to the agreements and metrics we worked on earlier in the series. If you equate intelligence to good grades or how many books you read in a year, then yes, you’re going to feel bad about yourself. But if you equate it to learning and growth mindsets, self-awareness, curiosity, seeking knowledge, seeing other perspectives, and asking questions, then I bet more of us will finally feel more secure in our intelligence.

So, whatever your insecurities are, dig deep. Analyse them. Shed light on what you really think and feel in that area, and then logically tackle it away from the emotional-reactions and wounds and fears that you may have.

 

Vulnerability

Know that when you are trying to heal, tend to wounds, or analyse hard emotions, it will feel uncomfortable. It may be very painful. Others might be involved in the healing process (they usually are, as I said with my family) and you may want to run and forget the whole process.

Please don’t.

You need this. You want this otherwise you wouldn’t bother reading this long post! So, give yourself time, grace, compassion, and resilience. Know that it will not be a linear road. It won’t be easy. You will feel exposed and vulnerable.

But again, Brene says vulnerability is needed. It is the “birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”

We can’t just run and hide from the harder moments. Instead, facing them takes courage and will lead to everything we desire: freedom, clarity, trust, joy, belonging, connection, everything!

Brene, “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

Ensure you have the following in order to do all this:

A support system (friends or family who love you unconditionally and can work through things with you, where appropriate)
A strong reason why to keep you going
Boundaries
Sense of self-worth grounded in who you are even with your need to heal

 

Forgiveness

This road to healing will be hard. You will have to have so much strength in order to do the hardest but most important things of all: accept and forgive.

Accept what happened and forgive those involved.

Accept what you did and forgive yourself.

Accept any mistakes made, hurt feelings, life changes, trauma, and forgive yourself for not knowing better, being able to change it, or not tackling it sooner.

Forgiveness is not about allowing what happened and saying it was okay. Forgiveness is not about letting that other person off the hook.

Forgiveness is about setting yourself free from it.

As with the anger and poison analogy, holding on to grudges, suffering and hate is just poisoning yourself, not necessarily the other person. But letting go and choosing to forgive is the antidote. It is the freedom and clarity you seek.

Again, let me reiterate that this will not be easy or linear. You won’t one day say “I forgive you” and then your life is sunshine and rainbows after that.

You have to choose forgiveness, perhaps in each moment, until it sticks.

 

Next week I’ll be finishing off the series with some last thoughts and tips and the resources I used and that I recommend to you, too.

 

Until then…

Sincerely,

S. xx

 

Download and check out my workbooks and journal prompts to help you dive deeper and analyse your beliefs and emotions.

Choosing Peace in Each Moment: Two-Part Episode (podcast)

Today’s episode is a two-parter because I merged two shorter episodes that both explored the same concept: inner peace. More importantly, choosing peace for yourself, your life, and in each moment.

We always have a choice. We get to choose reaction, hurt, hate, disconnection, or worthiness, clarity, beauty, love, and peace.

I choose peace.

This episode explores the following:

Power of the Pause
Seeking Peace over the life goal of Happiness
Unconditional love and belonging
Self-worth
Values
Clarity
Freedom
Contentment
Enoughness

 

Click to play!

https://srcrawfordauthor.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/choosing-peace-in-each-moment.m4a

S. xx