Dave Rudbarg's Blog, page 3

Unspoken Dialogue

“So”, she said, “There’s this guy I really like. We’ve gone out a couple of times and we were chatting about men and women and our backgrounds and he said, ‘For some reason, I seem to date controlling women.’”

She looked at me for my response.

“Well”, I began, “What do you think he’s actually saying?”

“That he seems to attract controlling women.”

“Nope”, I chuckled. “He actually is saying that he thinks all women are controlling. He is letting you know that you won’t be able to control him. You also won’t be able to challenge or engage him in dialogue or contribute to his growth. He will always relate to you as if you were the ‘original controlling woman’ aka ‘Mommy’- who probably grew up herself with a mother whose only expressions were based in rigor and order because order meant safety and safety meant love.”

“He doesn’t seem to see that as a possibility; therefore, he seems to attract ’controlling women’.”

“So, if that sounds awesome to you go for it. By the way, what type of guy do you date?”

She chuckled and sighed… “needy, resentful and unsuccessful men who I make successful and then they break up with me because I’m too controlling.”

End scene.

@CoachMeDave

Upgrade Or Fade

A communication about honoring “old friends”….. Not directed to anyone specific- who the cap fits,as Bob Marley said…

So-

I started shaving my head in 1996. I thought then- and now that I look amazing with my head shaved.

At the same time – as my long time friend, you know that I have had for many,many years slight pseudo- Parkinsonian tremors in my hands which have made shaving somewhat challenging.

So at least once a month I like to go to a barber shop and get professionally shaved, complete with hot towel and straight razor. As a man over 50, I have hair growing out of interesting places on my head -plus eyebrows that left unchecked – can enter a room before I do.

Doing this always makes feel taken care of, in other words, really honoring myself – and I like how that feels.

Now as a long time friend, I find it surprising that you find my taking care of myself humorous – particularly as you are my long time friend.

I would ask you to either honor and respect and cherish me- or let’s call it a day.

Because ultimately if the best you can do is poke fun at people’s appearances, practices or rituals to make yourself feel better- maybe the issue is with how you feel about yourself.

I love myself- and I won’t tolerate immature behavior from a long time friend.

So upgrade or fade – it’s your choice.

Rudbarg out…………

@CoachmeDave

I Forgot

I forgot…

I forgot that the access to freedom is often grabbing a hold of the feelings, beliefs and thoughts that are so ingrained in our DNA – that we wear them like pieces of clothing or jewelry.

We wake up in the morning and put them on.

Our unlovable garments.

Our big hats to help hide our external flaws.

Our longstanding wounds that we are sure occurred from horrible people who were consciously vicious, cruel and bad- as opposed to perhaps having been wounded, damaged and diminished themselves by people carrying their own wounds.

We put on a disguise and hope no one sees our wounds.

But now, we allow their weight to impact the way we walk and talk and breathe and act and love and create and generate and we —

Dare I say, I…

I believe it more often than I realize.

And then I realize.

Awaken. Arise.

And begin again.

And, I begin to create what I forgot to remember.

That my name means beloved.

So my job is to reach out and connect.

And so it is…

Namaste I must say…..

@CoachMeDave

Questions?

Sometimes the answer to conflict can be found in asking ourselves a question, in this case, whether the question that’s in question is truly a question.

For example: “What’s wrong with the person I’m in conflict with?”

or “How do I get them to do what I want?”

Those are judgments and beliefs – not inquiries.

The inference is that we know how they feel and that their experience is, at best, mistaken or invalid or, at worst, just flat out wrong. This does

not create much room for resolution, solution, connection or even partnership.

Perhaps the question to look at is –

“If I could see their position how would I be feeling?”

And then go there.

See if in being “over there” with their experience and coming from empathy, you are not only more compassionate towards them but also you may start to judge yourself less and have a more loving attitude towards Self.

@CoachMeDave.com

Covert Needs

In recent conversations with clients who have found themselves at odds with their supervisors at work, as well as family members, I have woken up to why I was so incredibly unsuccessful and unfulfilled in almost every job I ever held.

It’s relatively simple. Those of us who felt unappreciated, unrecognized or unloved at home often went to work with covert terms around our context for working. In English, that sounds like, “I’ll do what you want – but only if you show me love and like me better than others – and constantly say so- and for God’s sake don’t actually ask or expect me to do the work that you need. And please fit into my picture of someone who’s great – because if you don’t, I will absolutely, consistently, covertly dismiss you as someone who needs to be fixed and inherently wrong, ALL the time; yet, I’ll still need your approval.

Whew.

Consider this. Before you go to work or to a family gathering or in any situation in which you are clear how wrong others are- ask yourself this first:

What have I been looking for from this person or situation?

What have they been looking for from me?

Would I be willing to consider adopting a different perspective?

If so- what?

If not, why not?

Perhaps, this could be the starting point for some powerful growth in your life. Think on it.

@CoachMeDave

Respect

The belief that someone is not worthy of our respect is an interpretation that only leads to heartache, suffering and failure for ourselves. Our need to validate such thoughts can lead to years and years of nothing but being self-righteous, self-absorbed and generally miserable.

Being right is a cancer. The cure is love- and the willingness to love ourselves particularly when we are totally wrong about a situation. Being right about all the ways we think we are wrong or small or lacking isn’t honest or profound. There is no integrity in beating ourselves up and withholding love and respect at all times.

There is also no integrity in depriving others of love and respect either.

Judgments get in the way. Love shows us the way.

Practice, practice, practice.

@CoachMeDave

What I Want

What I want requires no explanation or justification.

What I want requires declaration.

What I want requires a willingness to not know how or what, where, when or why.

What I want requires asking for things that I know would provide opportunities to ask more and more and more for what I want.

What I want requires an active rewiring of my brain and heart to cast off the legacy of scarcity and fear that has been at the core of my life.

What I want requires the courage to try, fail, feel horrible and then be sure that I shouldn’t have even tried in the first place.

What I want requires that I limit how long I feel horrible about myself — and remember that I made it all up.

What I want requires owning and addressing my integrity – or lack thereof – with honesty, authenticity, accountability and compassion.

What I want requires love.

@CoachMeDave

Expansion- My Response

In response to the Universe’s call that I make a difference for people, I am expanding my Relationship Coaching Practice. I’m honoring the call for being in service and contribution to others and allowing room for TEN new clients. I have been working in partnership with my past and present clients and have been honored to be of service in empowering them to live powerful, fulfilling lives.

I am saying YES!

Namaste.

@CoachMeDave

Meeting Your True Self

There are times in our lives when well meaning friends and or family members, will, “out of love”, point to roads we have traveled, or ventures we have tried and if they did not produce the intended result we were hoping for, will advise us to reel in our passions, interests and visions for what is sensible. It is in these moments that our vibrant, lusty, bold, swashbuckling Self, dies replaced by the dull steady ache of sadness, regret and suppressed resentment.

More often than not, it is the sensible versions of ourselves that meet one another, and if after years of living in that paradigm, one of the parties begins to grow, change or evolve, it can be incredibly painful and confronting to their partner.

Perhaps in creating long term relationships that truly work for both partners – one in which “dreams deferred”, to quote the great Langston Hughes, could be explored, acknowledged, reawakened and reinvented while taking into account the day to day circumstances that may currently exist. This might also be a very useful conversation to have before one is fully involved with someone – to see what their relationship to growth and change is – and why It will ultimately awaken you to what your purpose – your context- your “why” is- and what your relationship to growth and change is – and that be the moment that you meet your true Self.

@CoachMeDave

Friends Vs Friendly

Some people enjoy being friendly. It gives them pleasure – and they like how people react to it. But, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re now friends. Friendship is built not only on proximity or a shared love of common causes or interests but also on similar practices. Smokers with smokers, drinkers with drinkers and so on-and if we’re really honest, we often have an opinion about each other’s practices and preferences- so really notice if you covertly judge other’s habits. Then, you might become aware of what stands between being friendly and being friends.

@CoachMeDave