Dave Rudbarg's Blog, page 2

Works Well and Plays With Others

A few thoughts about generating, connecting and participating with others:

1- People who love to play attract people who love to play.

2- People love to be appreciated . Appreciation creates appreciation.

3- People who love to play would rather play than not play if they are available or if it looks like time well spent.

4- A hierarchy of expertise does not create barriers. They need to be acknowledged, addressed and utilized. They may not have people be a match – yet.

5- Assume nothing.

6- The amount of incredibly talented people is HUGE. Abundance exists- including you and for you.

7- Risk hearing “No”. People honor and respect vulnerability and risk- unless they are bitter, wounded and overtly hostile- in which case , it’s no loss.

8- No is no – not any of the other internal conversations you think are underneath.

9- Some of the folks you see as super cool, incredibly talented or attractive – do not see themselves that way. They are hungry for approval and have a specific list of people from whom they crave approval. Your absence from the list means nothing – and never will.

They have their own obstacles that they need to get through to on their own path.

!0- Bring love.

@CoachMeDave

Gain and Loss

I’m feeling super sensitive these days. In the space of a year, I have moved, put out my first book, lost and gained: teeth, weight, friends, insights, musicians, money, beliefs and context and perspective.

I’ve been acknowledged by people with a depth of eloquence of which I only had dreamed.

Simultaneously, in the last few weeks, I’ve blocked or unfriended people who I’ve “known” for years when a difference of opinion between us became, as lawyers would say, irreconcilable.

And while it sucks to lose people, it makes room for others to show up.

Because ultimately it takes courage to show up- to introduce yourself – your authentic true self to someone.

To check and find out if your experience of him has any basis in reality- or whether his own ongoing ultra sensitivities and insecurities communicate his truth or his barriers.- and deal with that communication.

And if all that’s not enough – a world that appeared from my perspective to be safe, reasonably safe and negotiable suddenly occurs as not that.

So I’m writing this not so much to pretend that I have answers- because I don’t.

Actually, I do have questions though.

What do I need?

What actions would support my well being?

What are my current beliefs?

And most importantly-

What’s my next move?

And then taking that action.

Because, as I read back in 1993 – “responsibility begins with the willingness to be cause in the matter.”

Begins. And begins and begins.

@CoachMeDave

Inquiry and Observation

If you are finding yourself anxious, upset, disappointed, confronted, defensive, resigned, unsure and confused-

welcome to America ‘s first holiday season adjusting to a new reality…

The holiday season for many of us is challenging as our emotions and judgments about ourselves and the world we live in are often filtered through opinions of how it “should” be- and that thought process appears to be altering dramatically.

The answer?

I don’t know what it is for you.

It appears that long standing suppressed traumatic experiences are surfacing for many of us- and it is triggering emotions- and a desperate need to be able to define what the right path is.

Good luck with that.

For me- I’m stepping up my unabashed love of myself and my Kings and Queens. I am bringing courage, passion, compassion, integrity, vulnerability, authenticity and the ongoing inquiry – from my coach @Ed Bohlke.

“So- what’s my next move?”

I like that question. It assumes nothing and focuses on action and what’s so.

Writing this was my next move.

Communication is always a great next move.

What’s yours?

@CoachMeDave

Before It’s Too Late

On behalf of all artists, writers, creators of active engagement in connecting with people’s hearts, minds and souls-

We can’t read your minds.

We don’t know that we inspire or move you in some way- unless you say so- and saying so is easier than it’s ever been. You all know how to choose your method of communication.

Why you keep those loving words or thoughts to yourself is as much a symptom of what is missing in creating a new normal in the world as all of the “isms” we face everyday.

And the stinginess is often the result of people that think they “know” you- but have actually stopped listening to you a long time ago.

New people with a context based on higher purpose and celebrating great works that make a difference in the world are like a hot shower or sip of great coffee or tea or beverage or a bite of something delicious that reminds you that flavor and “flava” is an ongoing acknowledgment of all that makes life wonderful and special, endearing and joyous.

Take note all you introverts, perfectionists, and overthinkers-

There is no right or better time or way to express gratitude, love or appreciation. You can’t fuck this up.

You only fuck it up by withholding it.

I’m writing this today because I sobbed after seeing someone’s agreement with an incredible acknowledgment I received yesterday- because how I thought they saw me was at best- well intentioned and tolerable. I had no idea that what I wrote or sang connected with them.

Be clear this is not about me.

This is about courage and generosity and love and being uncomfortable and pushing past your barriers – while people are still here.

This is about the willingness to feel clumsy and uncool and unworthy and still express appreciation and intimacy for someone else particularly if you assume they know how wonderful they are.

They often don’t – way too often.

So as we move into the holiday season – give the gift of specific communication – whether you “know” them well or not.

@Namaste.

@CoachMeDave

Healing

There is nothing more intimate than men revealing their shadow self to other men. It is the usual modus operandi that men very often come from a place of ego. They make jokes or mock any attempts to express vulnerability or any other kind of emotion that doesn’t mimic what passes for masculinity.

I am very blessed to be connected with mature, aware, intelligent men who are willing to be emotionally courageous.

Last weekend, I watched as men from diverse backgrounds, ages and beliefs participated in conversations and exercises that allowed men to not judge themselves, or other men, more than that, in fact, giving language and clarity to ways of being and the ability and willingness to make powerful choices in the moment.

And yesterday, I spoke with a man under thirty years old who has not always made mature, healthy choices. He saw the necklace I wear, and I described the healing power of one of the stones.

“I could use some healing”, he said.

Thirty minutes later he had spoken honestly and openly about the actions he had taken recently. His good intentions had been based in a familiar, physically aggressive, hyper-masculine style which had impacted his home, family and loved ones.

He felt heard; yet, he did not feel judged.

He began to see alternatives. He felt lighter.

I’m hoping that he and I will continue our conversations.

These kinds of conversations among men can lead to growth and healing- and most men I know could do with some healing..

@CoachMeDave

What I Learned at the Legacy Discovery Weekend

1- Make a checklist of items that supports my well-being like Advil, sinus medicine and food.

2- When I am not happy or I am experiencing a feeling of not being connected, I need to talk to someone until I am present- otherwise I waste a lot of time suffering needlessly.

3- Ask questions privately and proactively to clarify my concerns/needs.

4- Talk to leadership ahead of time.

5- Communicate with people who purchase food and beverage items well in advance of weekend.

6- Repeat this mantra to myself: “I am never a bother.”

7- Check out website of facilities to see what items are actually needed.

8- Don’t make plans for Monday after the weekend.

9- See number 6.

10- See number 6.

11- Make arrangements to go in advance so I can hang out with my community.

12- Considering the probability that I may forget all of this, be prepared to forgive myself.

@CoachMeDave

Confusion and Bewilderment

I have had two conversations in the last 24 hours that illustrated how little men and women know about expectations, boundaries, and what beliefs created in childhood do to continue the confusion and bewilderment that so many of us experience.

Men seem to believe that it is very important that they make it clear to a woman when they are attracted to her- as if establishing themselves as masculine, self-assured, sexy and powerful make them unique in some way.

It also doesn’t often occur to men that a woman, who appears sexy to us, might have had experiences of men only being attracted to her body – and not actually giving a rat’s ass about her heart and soul or intellect. For many women, being seen as sexy is a reminder that they are not safe or valued or honored. Being actually listened to, and engaging in dialogue actually creates the space for connection.

Then a man actually shows up as secure, grounded, caring and noble- and that is very attractive.

The second conversation was with a young woman ,who at a social gathering, had a male acquaintance grope one of her breasts. When she addressed it with him later, his reaction was “I was just playing. I didn’t mean anything by it. Sorry.”

That was bad enough. What was a bit more surprising was her acceptance that that’s how men her age “operate”. In fact, another female friend had a male acquaintance put his penis in her hand as if to say that he expected her to be turned on by the size of it and his raw macho energy.

She was not aroused to put it mildly.

It is important that men and women start telling each other the truth about how they want people to interact with them- and if that is unacceptable to some folks -then so be it.

There is so much ugly, negative energy happening culturally right now that it is crucial that we bring kindness, intelligence and curiosity to ourselves and others around us – rather than ways of being that are based on porno movies and bad pop lyrics− or the raving of narcissists.

And if this level of communication seems impossible, let me assure you, it’s not.

I am here to help you and others are also available to support you…

@CoachMeDave

Check Your Source

I’d like to think that in my last several years, I have become increasingly coachable and open to being contributed to- and that might be true.

I do have preferences and qualities that I need to see in folks whose stated desire to provide leadership for others sometimes occurs as something else.

1- Is this person actually actively engaged in their own fulfillment- or is he/she all about survival or tolerating circumstances?

2- Is this person projecting his/her beliefs onto me that are rooted in scarcity or fear?

3- How is he/she listening to me? Is his/her ability to listen to others created out of discovery or defining?

For me, integrity on the most basic level is always about holding an empowering context. Being right is about being attached to an opinion.

I’ve chosen to associate with leaders whose willingness to investigate their own perceptions and experiences are reflected in their own emotional, spiritual and participatory evolution.

I choose to embody that as well.

I choose to listen from discovery.

I choose to listen from freedom.

Sounds like a plan.

Namaste, and away.

@CoachMeDave

The Truth About Integrity

It’s so easy to pass judgment on folks when they don’t keep their word. It’s obvious “THEY HAVE NO INTEGRITY!!!!!”

Well, not quite.

In a recent series of coaching calls , a much deeper and insidious truth became apparent to me.

Integrity is impossible without healthy self-esteem.

Read that line again and consider it…

When I look at my own life – after the years and years of suffering, unhappiness and pain, there were two things in common:

1- I almost never kept my word – although I gave it often

2- I didn’t like myself at all

In fact, I pretty much didn’t like anybody.

So having any sense of honor was completely impossible given where I was in my life.

The point of writing this today is to ask all of us to see if those people we discard, disavow or diminish (based on our perceptions and standards of behavior) might actually not even realize that they are costing themselves the love and joy that they so desperately crave yet are often resigned to its ultimate impossible fate.

Bringing measured compassion with grace and authenticity can begin to make a real difference.

I know, because I am so blessed to have those kind of folks in my life – and more are arriving every day.

After all, I am a King surrounded by Kings and Queens.

Namaste,I must say.

@CoachmeDave

Coloring Books And Such

When I was a little kid,I had a tremor in my hands so coloring in coloring books was a challenge. I knew I had to “get it right”, so if the coloring went outside the lines I would subconsciously beat myself up.

Over the years, doing anything that I thought required a steady hand I would do my best to avoid doing- and pretty successfully.

Then I got a call from my friend @Carolynn Schwartz Black a couple of months ago. “I love the affirmations you’re posting”, she said. “What would you think if we did a coloring book of them?”

“That’s great”, I said noticing the feelings of dread that were surfacing.

Being a man, I did the normal thing and ignored them.

Until this week… I noticed that everyone was telling me that adult coloring books were huge and therapeutic – and I was thrilled to hear all that, but I knew the truth. Coloring is bad and confronting and difficult.

So, I mentioned all this to my coach @Ed Bohlke.

“You don’t think my emotions around this subject could interfere with the book’s success do you?”

I knew the answer.

He laughed his ass off.

“You know what your homework is, don’t you?”, he said.

“Uh, you want me to color one of my books?”, I said.

“Yup.” Sigh.

So, I called Carolynn and told her the story. And, she laughed her ass off.

“Listen”, she said (being wise in the ways of coloring) “don’t use crayons – use colored pencils from the 99 cent store.”

So I did and I started last night.

It was wonderful. I had music softly on my headphones, and I lovingly filled in the areas -and after a few minutes noticed how focused and peaceful I felt.

Fascinating.

I also thought about going to get some more slightly better colored pencils – and a sharpener.

Ya never know.

Namaste, I must say…

@CoachMeDave

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