Dave Rudbarg's Blog, page 7

Discomfort

Here’s the thing… our discomfort being with someone who can show us love can be due to the fact that we don’t believe we are worthy of such affirmation. Sometimes, we sense that it’s a way for him/her to get an affirmation back. That’s not a bad thing either way. Saying thank you graciously completes the experience for the person. For the recipient, it’s a good way to expand their comfort zone.

Another thing – check in to see if the person with whom you’re talking to is present. .For example, I find dark, noisy places a challenge to hold deep meaningful conversations with someone.

Sometimes, I’m dealing with the challenges of my life and I don’t have the willingness or emotional capacity to chat. I write this not only to acknowledge it but also to remind myself that when I’m looking to create affirmation and connection through conversation, it might not be something that the other person is up for.

That’s what’s so. Take it in. Breathe and smile. All is well.

#nothingswronghere

@CoachMeDave

Triumphs and Sadness

A triumph over the barriers of the past will sometimes trigger the shame,sadness and regrets that we have never thoroughly experienced- the raw pain and sadness comes on the heels of joy, delight and discovery of what freedom and accomplishment feels like.

Maybe one way to deal with these feelings is to do some version of what Holly Hunter’s character does, in the brilliant James Brooks’s film,”Broadcast News” (1987) before she starts her day- a kind of weeping meditation – where she releases the fear and pain that are present – and then goes out, kicks ass professionally and then struggles to figure out the whole man/woman romance dance thing.

Because ultimately none of us knows what the hell we’re doing. Faced with the possibility of being finally loved, the way we’ve been taught through pop songs, movies and other fantasy expressions -we ignore red flags,instinct,intuition, and the advice of well meaning folks -because we know this time is different. And when we become aware that we were dead wrong again- it becomes more and more difficult to recover.

What also can make a huge difference, in the words of @Ed Bohlke, is being present to the power of altering what you believe you deserve- and those beliefs are insidious, nasty and often nearly transparent- and appear to be etched in stone. They’re ephermeral – you just need to be aware of them and face them before you can truly start to make a shift.

#dothework #feeltheshame #youarenottheonlyone

@CoachMeDave

Manners

Consider that maybe having manners as well as integrity, along with a context for a higher purpose in your life, can propel a shift in how other people interact with you. And, that can potentially alert you to changes in your life, to which you may have just not been present.

For example :

Before you give your opinion- consider whether the person actually wants it.

Before you decide to inject humor into a conversation- ask yourself if it honors the spirit of the speaker- or will it just amuse you?

Before you decide to show someone how bold and outrageous you can be-

ask yourself- what reaction are you looking for and why?

Recently I’ve had some of the most wonderful,intimate and valuable conversations with someone I had given many unsolicited opinions to- and lost her friendship for a few years.

I am thrilled to have her back.

Manners . Integrity. Higher Purpose.

#yaneverknow

@CoachMeDave

I Wonder…………..

I wonder- if, every year or so, we asked our friends and family some questions that we don’t often address, whether we would have a much healthier bunch of relationships.

I also wonder how much sooner we would take different kinds of actions in our creative endeavors and or career paths.

Imagine, if rather than slowly having a sense of diminishing connections, with people or profound frustration with the results we believe we’re producing,

we simply asked each other what we think is important for the other person to be aware of – not “the truth”. More like,

“I wonder if you’re aware that you seem to be doing this…..”

No ego. No need to make a point. No long held grudges suddenly fully expressed. (You will need to deal with this BEFORE this endeavor.)

Both parties open. Vulnerable, Present, Listening, Learning, Growing.

I wonder…

@CoachMeDave

Friendships

History or time invested is not a good enough reason to keep any relationship/ friendship going. Get present to the ways your friends need you to be in order for them to feel good about themselves- and whether you actually even like them. Cut bait and create anew. You’d be amazed to see what kind of friendships you actually deserve.

@CoachMeDave

Helpless?

Needing help doesn’t make you helpless. Doing nothing makes you believe you are- and in the moment you are. Forget ready. Forget set. Action.

@CoachMeDave

Credibility

Credibility is present when insight,action ,intent and outcome honor the experience of the person impacted-otherwise it’s just opinion.

#everybodysgotone

@CoachMeDave

No From Love

When you can say or hear the word NO from a place of love – your world and those around you may find a new perspective and a lot more freedom.

#Lessonslotsandlotsoflessons #everythingsbetterdeliveredfromlove

@CoachMeDave

Name Tags

It dawned on me this morning how often I am at social gatherings feeling uncomfortable, disconnected, wishing to be invited into conversations, and watching each group of people, chatting happily, with a combination of awe, admiration and sadness. When I felt that way in the past I would hide out for years.

I’m writing this now because I know I’m not alone in this.

Perhaps name tags with authentic sentences about how you really are feeling- would be useful- like :

Worried about money & sure I’m the only one.

Regretting the food I’ve been eating recently.

Feeling overwhelmed by life.

Hating happy people.

Annoyed and ready to lose my shit.

In need of a healing hug -no pity, please.

Or perhaps some for when the opposite is present-

I’m glad to be here- how was your day?

What had you come here today?

All is well.

If you’d like to connect in some way with me- feel free to say so.

Feeling blessed.

Or any variation…….

(Those would really be great at singles events or at bars……)

Ultimately the thing to consider is that all of those phrases are thoughts –

and your thoughts are not the truth. Functioning as if they are robs you of truly divine moments.

Trust me – I know.

#aworkinprogress #wearone

@CoachMeDave

Disdain

There is no excuse for meeting enthusiasm with disdain. Even if you feel you know more about the world or feel things more deeply than others, these well meaning self perceptions (deceptions) do not absolve you from practicing grace. If you can’t, then say nothing….or just thank you.

The need to be right, and to feel cool and deeply self righteous is really just a big smoke screen anyway.

I know. Because I still do that stuff myself more often than I’d like to admit.

That’s why I recognize it. I also realize how often it keeps people from connecting which we all desperately need. Sigh….

#tryiton #letitgo

@CoachMeDave