Dave Rudbarg's Blog, page 6

The Fault In Finding Fault

Seeing the faults of others doesn’t make you insightful. Seeing how you are part of what has created the issue and owning your participation without diminishing, invalidating, categorizing or blaming. Taking responsibility creates a space for honest open communication that allows for connection and a sense that something that had been seen as the truth was, in fact, a perception based on perceptions based on perceptions- that sometimes evolved even before you were born.

You have a right to express your pain. The key might be to find what the pain is really about and deal with that- and not by yourself. Your pain and anger is going to work hard to reassure your brain that you are justified. Having someone you trust to point out possible emotionally-charged blind spots and your willingness to be with the enormous well of sadness underneath it will, in a word, suck. It will, very possibly, also give you an emotional depth and appreciation for life that you had never imagined could be missing.

#leadershipbeginsathome

@CoachMeDave

Busy Work

Sometimes, nothing is missing…

Sometimes we hold our truth to be that in our relationships, we can improve every situation, sentence, nuance, circumstance and scenario by pointing out why, even if something’s not 100% wrong- our observation, action or contribution, will somehow, now make it more fully and completely right.

This belief becomes something as natural as breathing.

It’s who we think we are . It’s our job. It’s our duty, our mission. And, it’s where we feel most alive.

It’s also where we feel most frustrated, by others’ resistance to our contributions and we often end up feeling unloved, unappreciated and barely tolerated rather than celebrated.

Perhaps a willingness to see our true survival based, ego driven justifications- for the burden it can be to ourselves – and the thing others survive and have come to expect of us. Perhaps it’s time to actually start doing or saying something different.

#Notyourjob #Neverwas #Fireyourself

@CoachMeDave

Suspending Judgements

I met a man- he lives on my block and owns one of the biggest, most intimidating pit bull mixed breeds that I’ve ever seen. He, himself, is kind of a tough looking guy as well.

At least I thought so…

Rather than just pass by while he walked his two dogs and noticing that the big dog actually seemed friendly- I approached and asked if that was true.

He said yes and thus began a solid fifteen-minute conversation. I discovered a whole world where folks are passionate about Volkswagen vintage cars and the distinctions of power-blasting and detailing.

And, folks who take in strays.

Very cool.

It reminded me of something I’m not always present to-which is-

With permission:

Pet the dog

Talk with the person walking the dog.

Particularly if it’s a neighbor…….

Or, someone you’ve seen frequently but never stopped to meet…..

#whynot

@CoachMeDave

The Moment

The moment you realize that your presence is not always needed, valued or wanted- and it’s a relief to not have to try to win people over and have them like you- particularly when you’ve done that very thing for years- priceless.

#mychoice #mypreference #whatarelief #whew

@CoachMeDave

The Unspoken Agenda

If you find yourself unsatisfied or unhappy in your role as supporter, employee or participant- it’s probably time to look at your expectations- and your subconscious agenda.

If under every activity, is a need to be loved right out of the box – and having it be a priority for others- consider this strategy to be, in a word, FLAWED.

Step back. Look at what you think your role is…take a look at what the object of your quest for connection or approval thinks your role is. If you’re upset ,your unspoken, probably ,long held agenda is once again, getting in the way.

Be “over there,” in their space. Over time, after you taking the focus off of yourself, and having provided real long term support to their endeavors without strings or attachment, you will often find a deeper, mutually satisfying kind of affinity that builds ,grows and fulfills.

@CoachMeDave

Recipe For a Personal Change

Observe ways of being that you admire. Act as if you are that kind of person.

Alter accordingly for authenticity. Allow for initial internal experiences of unfamiliarity and perceived clumsiness in committment and communication – and remember that most folks not only can’t read your mind but also are too self absorbed to ever want to- with some exceptions.

Then after two or three years, you may notice that this once “new way of being”, actually seems like it’s who you have been all along.

Actually, you’ll forget that you were different til @Facebook shows you your memories or you hang out at some sort of reunion………

@CoachMeDave

Clear Communication

On a coaching call, a client observed that although he would often tell people in his life what “needed to be done,” it seemed that he ended up always having to be the one whose role in life was to “clean up messes.” The inference was that people in his life weren’t listening or didn’t care and that invariably this was the role that he was apparently “doomed” to always play.

When we looked at the vagueness of his statement and his fear that every request would immediately result in his being obligated to do something in return, he began to recognize his part in not being clear around his own communication.

I requested that moving forward, he not only be specific but also ask people up front if they are available and willing to be held accountable and be open to hearing

“No” or counter offers.

I look forward to seeing the results. Clarity in communication. It’s a beautiful thing.

#Namaste, y’all…….

@CoachMeDave

Shift Happens

Being authentic with people in your life is sometimes , really really really really hard.

My need to look good ,by pretending to know more than I do,or avoid looking bad by not being willing to admit how little I think of myself ,at times.sometimes can keeps me stuck in “knowing.”

What creates a shift?

This week- a great two hour cleaning up phone call with a close confidant and advisor ,with whom I’d had a parting of the ways. We are now back in touch,and clear how much we have to contribute to one another.

Within fifteen minutes, all sorts of new possibilities starting happening.

On a subsequent call with someone I met once professionally six years ago, I shared that morning’s experience. Was delighted,when, I was texted a few hours later,that she had,inspired by our talk ,had done the same thing with a similar result.

Perhaps you’d care to give it a shot……?

@CoachMeDave

Opposites

The opposite of right is not wrong.

The opposite of right is free.

@CoachMeDave

Changes

Some changes I’ve made since 2013- that now seem like they’ve always been there.

10- I eat a lot more fruits and vegetables several times a week than ever before – and it seems natural.

9- I punch all appointments into the calendar on my phone. I know my memory is not great.

8- I talk much less in group conversations and listen more.

7- Rather than saying my opinion as if it’s a fact- I will preface a comment by saying,”In my experience..”

6- I stop caffeine by 1pm,

5- I read a book every two weeks and I write and post at least three times a week,

4- After years of avoiding photos taken of me I look for opportunities to be captured in time.

3-In the last year,four people who had consciously had ended a relationship with me,came back and our new relationship is much more fulfilling. One has become a coaching client.

2- As long as my clothes are clean,and fit and feel good ,and I’ve got mints,keys,wallet & a few bucks on me, I feel very relaxed going into any environment.I also feel very comfortable talking with anyone.

1- I love myself more and more. When I forget this, I find a way to remember.

#Aworkinprogress

@CoachMeDave