Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 29

Men always ask me if I’ve seen their balls

When men ask if I’ve seen their balls,

I always look a long time until I see them.

That’s the beauty of golf.

Double entendres abound.

Something nutty always happens when I’m out on the course.

I’ve seen a fox run into the fairway, pick up someone’s ball, and run off with it.

I’ve been attacked by ornery geese, sex-crazed deer, and swarms of toads.

I even know someone who found a corpse in the middle of their round.

Golf is definitely NOT boring.

Golf is a ton of fun.

It’s always in a beautiful place.

And sometimes you even exercise while you play.

So, have you been golfing yet?

I’d love to see you out on the course!

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my novella.

Check it out if you’re a sucker for tortured heroes and marriages of convenience.

Available for $2.99 in the Kindle Select store. On sale for all ebook readers in July.

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Have you ever been attacked by toads?

I am aroused by prime rib

Sometimes, my kids bury my husband and I in the yard.

At first, it was amusing. Not anymore.

As you can see in the picture, I’m forcing a smile.

As usual, my husband is looking at me in blatant adulation.

Even when I’m buried neck deep in stones, I manage to look sexy.

I must’ve looked particularly ravishing,

because my husband decided to take me out to dinner.

I ordered filet mignon. My husband ordered a big slab of prime rib.

Yowza, the prime rib was HUGE! My husband ate every bite.

I found his appetite to be quite arousing. What a stud.

I took advantage of his food coma,

and asked for a new pet.

His name is Sam.

It ended up being the perfect day…

until I found this in our front yard:

I chased it into our neighbor’s yard.

The snake will stay there, right? RIGHT?

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This post brought to you by Weird Pictures.

Put ‘em together just right, and they kind of make sense.

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P.S. The snake really is in my neighbor’s front yard.

P.P.S. What should I do to keep it there?

Throw me a dog biscuit, and I’ll throw you my bra

I don’t know his name, but I love him.

He’s really handsome.

He’s got his own cool car.

I can’t take my eyes off him.

The sound of his engine sends shivers of delight down my spine.

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, he’s coming this way! YAY!

Will he stop and say hello?

YES! He threw a dog biscuit to my dog, which she is eating right now.

And then…oh boy…he smiled at me.

*swoon*

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This post brought to you by Women Who Have a Crush on the UPS Man.

We are reluctant to share this news with our husbands.

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Who do you have a crush on?

I’m in love with another man and my husband doesn’t know

I’ve fallen in love with another man.

My husband has no idea my affections are compromised.

How do I tell him I can’t stop thinking about another man’s kiss?

How do I tell my husband I saw my new love in bed?

Oh, the angst. I’m filled with guilt.

I’m so overwrought, I hardly know what I’m cooking for dinner.

My family doesn’t seem to mind.

Whatever I fix, they eat. Guess I’m an awesome cook, after all.

My family senses my unease.

They haven’t been talking much at the dinner table.

Then again, neither have I. What if I blurt the other man’s name?

Oops. Gotta go. My kid needs me to take her to softball practice.

Hey, wait a minute. When did my kid start playing softball?

Aw, geez. I’d better start paying attention around here.

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my novella.

Check it out if you’re a sucker for tortured heroes and marriages of convenience.

Available for $2.99 in the Kindle Select store. On sale for all ebook readers in July.

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What has distracted you lately?

Taking a moment…

Remembering…

This is what Martian spit looks like

What the holy heck is this?

Martian spit?

Dandruff from an angel?

The gook that comes out of a moose when it sneezes?

This stuff is all over our field, and I’m worried.

Will it hatch? What will it become?

Please advise.

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my novella.

Can a temporary marriage survive so many secrets?

Available for $2.99 in the Kindle store.

On sale for all readers in July.

I prefer nudity, don’t you?

Some recommend taking the path less travelled.

Let’s do it.

Funny, this looks like some lush Garden of Eden.

Wait, did you see a naked man?

You’re so lucky. I see trees.

Hand the naked man a leaf, for Pete’s sake.

A very LARGE leaf, please.

Oh, look here.

I do believe we’ve found something extraordinary. A “beauty tree.”

What do you suppose is the secret to beauty?

Well, look no further. The answer is hanging on a branch.

What is the tree trying to tell us?

(a) drink more water

(b) find the naked man

(c) stay out of the woods

(d) don’t eat strange mushrooms

Please advise…

Tadpoles taste like chicken

Do you ever want run through a china shop and break all the dishes?

Are you tempted to yell “Hurry up” in the middle of a sermon?

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

The other day, I was soooooo tempted to scoop up a handful of tadpoles…and eat ‘em.

You’re nodding your head in sympathy, right?

You’ve wanted to slurp down some tadpoles, huh? Please?

Hello? Is anyone out there?

I was desperate to escape the urge to snack on tadpoles.

I needed a distraction, FAST.

Ah, what’s this?

A vine!

Tarzan uses vines to travel through the forest.

And Tarzan is waaaaay more appetizing than tadpoles.

I held tight, hoped into the air, and swung across the marsh.

Tarzan would not be able to resist such feminine grace and…SPLASH.

As it turned out, I did swallow a tadpole.

It tasted a lot like chicken.

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Many thanks to all of you who downloaded a free copy of Anything You Ask

during our promotion last week. Thanks to your support, my novella reached

#1 in Contemporary Fiction and #1 in Women’s Fiction in the Free Kindle Store.

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What is the weirdest thing you ate?

I like to beat my husband. Do you?

I like to beat my husband. Do you?

I beat him as often as possible, especially when he’s pestering me.

Regular beatings help keep a marriage equal…and just make me feel good.

Wait a minute. I’m talking about beating my husband at basketball. You knew that, right?

Unfortunately, I have to keep beating my husband because I vacuumed my car.

Yep, I vacuumed my car right after our honeymoon, and sucked up the film from our trip.

That was back in the fifteenth century, when folks used 35 mm film.

My film happened to have pictures that PROVED I beat him in a game of arcade basketball.

That voracious car vacuum has caused nearly 25 years of marital strife.

Every time we pass an arcade, I have to prove myself AGAIN.

So, admit it. You like to beat your spouse, too.

What is the game you try your darnedest to win against your beloved?

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My book, Anything You Ask, is FREE on Kindle until May 18th.

If you like contemporary romance, click here and grab a copy!

The story will be available for other ebook formats in July.

Perhaps flashing my bra wasn’t a good idea

Ever want to make men go slack-jawed in amazement the instant you appear?

Go to a golf course. Guys faint when they see a woman on their turf.

Frankly, I’m getting tired of the reaction.

In fact, I kind of had a meltdown two days ago at the golf club.

My husband took me golfing for Mother’s Day.

All the other guys acted like they’ve never seen a woman before.

They stared at me like I’d sprouted two strange lumps on my ribcage.

I got mad. I decided to show them I belonged, darn it.

I thought it would be cool to hop out of our golf cart while it was still moving.

I’m an athlete, after all. Why not show off my coordination and grace?

As I disembarked, I felt myself trip.

For an instant, I thought I could land on my feet.

Wrong.

I fell face first into the grass.

Worse, I rolled down a small knoll toward the group of men who watched.

Behind me, my husband yelled “Man overboard!”

I curled up in the grass and laughed so hard, I couldn’t budge.

My attempt to look cool was a complete failure, and I found it hysterical.

Wouldn’t it be great if all of our failures were so entertaining?

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My book, Anything You Ask, is FREE on Kindle until May 18th.

If you like contemporary romance, click here and grab a copy!

The story will be available for other ebook formats in July.

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Have you ever taken a fall when you were trying to look “cool?”