Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 30

How to grow a beard without really trying

I found a packet of drink mix in my pantry.

I had no idea how long it was hidden beneath the crackers.

No matter. I dumped it into the pitcher and added water.

It tasted funny.

I got away with drinking the first glass without any ill effects.

I decided to have a second glass.

Guess I like to live dangerously.

So, I just noticed a whisker growing on my chin.

I think the side effects of drinking bad punch are starting.

If I sprout a full beard in the next twenty minutes, I’m not leaving the house.

However, I’ve always loved mustaches. Perhaps I’ll get lucky!

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I have no idea why I posted pictures of my azaleas. Do you?

This is what Hell looks like

My bad habits have caught up with me.

Saying bad words and hiding cookies led me to Hell.

Fortunately, I had my camera with me. This is what Hell looks like:

There’s no raging fires or writhing pits of anguished souls.

Contrary to popular opinion, the devil is a green thumb.

He has planted Elaeagnus Angustifolia all over Hell.

It blooms this time of year.

Oh, the pollen.

The suffering it imposes.

The sneezy, watery-eyed misery.

Even the ladybugs aren’t immune to the pollen. It’s everywhere.

So, next time you curse in front of your kids, throw some Benedryl into your pocket.

You’re gonna need it when you suddenly find yourself walking through Hell’s lush, verdant meadow.

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my new novella.

* Can a temporary marriage produce lasting love? *

Available now for Kindle. On sale for Nook and other ebook readers in July.

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What makes you sneeze?

My neighbor keeps her kids behind bars

Don’t pay any attention to these pictures.

I’m posting them so my husband thinks I’m writing about birds.

Winged creatures have NOTHING to do with this post.

So, last night I dreamt about Dominic.

He lived down the street from me. He was dreamy.

I had a secret crush on him, but I never had the guts to talk to him.

Last night, I finally gathered the courage to ask him to the prom.

To my astonishment, he said yes! Yikes! What was I thinking?

What would we talk about? Would we have a good time?

Who would pay for the tickets? Me? or him?

Turns out, the night went perfectly.

He was so nice to me. We danced, we laughed.

We made out in the dark corner for an extended period of time.

Ever since I woke up, I’ve been kicking myself for being so shy in high school.

If my dream was any clue about what might’ve been, I should’ve talked to Dominic for real.

I would’ve had a LOT more fun at prom instead of being stuck at the jock table with kids I didn’t know.

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And that, my friends, is how you make a sturdy birdhouse for your avian friends.

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If you could overcome shyness, who would you talk to?

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I only scream if I see my husband naked

A high-pitched scream echoed through my house last night.

I immediately recognized the voice. It was my daughter.

After the scream…silence.

My heart squeezed all the way up into my throat.

I called upstairs. “Are you all right?” No response.

I imagined a number of scenarios. None of them were good.

I grabbed a couch pillow, the only viable weapon nearby.

I ran upstairs and tripped twice, ready to ward off the intruder.

Yeah, I know a pillow doesn’t exactly inspire fear but it was all I had at the time.

I burst into my kid’s room, waving the pillow like a madwoman.

My daughter wadded up a Kleenex and tossed it into the garbage can.

“Sorry about the scream, Mom. I found a stinkbug on my history textbook.”

I nodded and walked outside, where I buried ten years of my life under the green grass.

FYI, the only time I ever scream is when I see my husband naked. It’s a scream of delight.

The next time that happens, I’ll tell my kids not to worry…I saw a stinkbug in my bedroom.

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my new novella.

* Can a temporary marriage produce lasting love? *

Available now for Kindle. Available for Nook and other ebook readers in July.

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When was the last time you screamed?

I fought a Juniper, and the Juniper won

I pulled on my gardening gloves, took a large swig of alfalfa juice, and stomped into the cool, wet soil.

It was time for the Juniper bush to go. The garden was choked by it’s spiny, overgrown branches.

I grabbed the twisted branches. It bit me, scratching my arms all over.

Muttering an oath, I grabbed a rake and beat the living heck out of the Juniper…

…and the limp, lifeless body of a toad rolled into view.

A casualty of war.

 Awash with grief, I fell to my knees and shook my fists at the heavens.

How would I overcome my guilt at taking the life of an innocent amphibian?

Perhaps all was not lost. I could administer CPR on the way to the vet’s office.

Wait a minute. Where’d he go?

He needed medical help.

I wasn’t going to let him down.

Perhaps the sun had woken him up,

but I was the one who would nurse him back to health.

Ah, there he is…

I slowly extended my arm.

Just a few more inches, and I could grab him.

My fingers opened, I took a deep breath, and then…

my shirt caught on the Juniper and the toad scrambled under the spiny branches.

That is why there is still an ugly Juniper in my garden.

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my new novella.

Available now for Kindle. Available for Nook and other ebook readers in July.

Please haunt me if you are Gerard Butler

I made a horrible mistake.

My writer buddies booked a ghost tour.

I love my writer buddies, so I tagged along.

Our tour guide was a great storyteller.

Plus, he was easy on the eyes.

Wait, did I say that out loud?

Above, you’ll see a picture of a house haunted by three ghosts.

Luckily, I didn’t see any of them. Phew.

This next house is haunted by a handsome dude with a mustache.

All of my writer buddies craned our necks, trying to get a glimpse of him.

He didn’t show up.

However, our tour guide said we should look for “orbs” in our pictures.

“Orbs” are one way ghosts appear in a camera’s lens.

As you can tell by my steady hand, I wasn’t scared at all!

And no, those aren’t ghostly orbs. They’re just light refracted in my lens.

At least, that’s the story I’m telling myself. Please don’t disprove my theory.

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Have you ever encountered a ghost?

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask.

**  She struck a deal with a deaf man with too many secrets…and fell in love.  **

Available on Kindle now. On sale for other ebook formats in July.

Here is proof that caterpillars smoke

I have found proof that caterpillars smoke.

Be forewarned. The following pictures are going to blow your mind.

Exhibit A: the flowering forsythia – where caterpillars build their homes.

Exhibit B: A hyacinth, because it’s pretty.

Exhibit C: The caterpillar’s home.

Looks normal, right? Just wait.

Exhibit D: Indisputable proof that the caterpillar smoked while hibernating.

Check out the smoke stain in the roof of his house.

Exhibit E: An inside peek at his room.

I think the soot-stained walls of his bedroom say it all.

By the way, no caterpillars were harmed during this experiment.

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Now I pose this question to you:

Do other animals smoke while we’re not looking?

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask.

**  Can a temporary marriage spark lasting love?  **

Available on Kindle now. On sale for other ebook formats in July.

Please oh please tell me that is a huge garden hose

If you are the faint of heart, stop reading this post.

If you’ve got nerves of steel, please move into my neighborhood.

Once you’re unpacked, buy lots of garbage bags. You’ll need them soon.

When the sun comes out, I’ll call you. We’ll go for a nice walk.

At first, you’ll think it’s pleasant. You’ll be glad you moved next door.

But you might wonder why I’m chattering nervously as we approach the field.

Ah, the red barn. How quaint.

I’ll grab your arm and say, “Shhhhh!”

You’ll wonder why I’m pale and sweating.

We’ll turn into the field.

I’ll ask you if you brought a garbage bag.

When you say no, I’ll stuff my bag into your hands.

I’ll gently push you in front of me and point to a long black object in the grass.

You might think it’s a long garden hose. It ain’t…unless garden hoses slither. And hiss.

I’ll urge you to stuff the snake into the garbage bag and make him go away.

You’ll stuff him in the bag, because you have nerves of steel.

And because that’s what friends do for each other.

Afterwards, I’ll name all my kids after YOU.

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Have you encountered a 15 foot snake on one of your walks?

If not, would you like the one in my field?

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask.

She married a deaf man with too many secrets…and fell in love.

Available on Kindle now. On sale for other ebook formats in July.

Disaster struck after I sewed a button on his pants

He looked at me with those piercing blue eyes,

and asked me to sew a button onto his pants.

I agreed. Frankly, I was grateful for the chance to touch his pants.

I took my good, sweet time with every single stitch.

He wore the pants the next day.

Midway through lunch, he took a deep breath and…POP!

The button flew off, whizzed through the cafeteria, and landed on the boss’s spaghetti.

The button must’ve looked like a small meatball.

The boss scooped a huge forkful of spaghetti into his mouth…and ate the button.

My husband spent the rest of the day holding his pants up…and avoiding his boss.

So, when my daughter asked me to hem her prom dress,

I immediately begged my Mom to help.

Thanks, Mom. You’re the best.

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How about you? Do you know how to hem a prom dress?

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask.

**  Can a temporary marriage spark lasting love?  **

Available on Kindle now. On sale for other ebook formats in July.

New report says butter isn’t fattening…but water is!

First, eggs were bad for you. Then they were good for you.

Now they are bad for you again.

I can’t take it any more.

These “scientists” can’t make up their mind.

Have no fear, friends. I can.

Go ahead and set the table.

Put out some nice flowers and your best china.

I’ve done extensive research, and my findings are irrefutable.

Ready? Here goes. I promise to never, ever, go back on my word.

Cake is a vegetable.

Go ahead. Dig in.

You should have 2 to 3 vegetables every day.

You’re welcome.

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my new novella.