Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 28
June 28, 2013
Why I threw an egg at my neighbor’s car
Five days ago, I snuck outside to capture a shot of the moon.
The moon was the closest it would be to earth this year.
This is called the “perigee moon” or “supermoon.”
Since it was closer, it was brighter.
If I sit closer to the computer, will I become brighter?
Let’s give it a try. Right now, I’m just an inch away from the monitor.
Do I sound smarter?
Maybe a poem will impress:
Moonshine drapes my house
I photograph the sight.
A car nearly hits me.
Yep, I know the poem doesn’t rhyme…because a car nearly hit me!
The scare marred my ability to write an awesome poem.
In conclusion, I have two questions for you:
(1) Did you see the perigee moon?
and/or
(2) Would you like to improve my poem?
June 26, 2013
Why I’m making my husband wear an anti-bark collar
A few days ago, our dog met a new friend.
At first, all seemed well.
They ran around.
They played.
Our dog had such a good time, she barked.
Unfortunately, she was wearing her anti-bark collar at the time.
I took the collar off, but the damage was done. She retreated to the far end of the yard.
She was determined NOT to bark again, because barking was so unpleasant a few minutes ago.
Her new friend didn’t understand this existential turn of events.
Her parents didn’t forget to take off her anti-bark collar.
So she wanted to keep playing, Dawg.
In an effort to help our dog snap out of her doldrums, I tried to put the bark collar on my husband.
Wow, he’s really fast. And smart. I couldn’t catch him, but I reached my target heart rate.
I even lost a few pounds…and our dog still isn’t barking…so it’s a win/win for me.
.
This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my novella.
All Hale Cooper had in the world was his dog…until he returned home to win Danielle’s heart.
Currently available for $2.99 in the Kindle Select store. On sale for all ebook readers in July.
#1 in Contemporary Fiction and Women’s Fiction in the Free Kindle Store in May.
June 24, 2013
I get turned on when my husband wields a knife
Is it wrong to get a little breathless when my husband wields a knife?
Please don’t report me to the authorities.
Problem is, I’ve always had a thing for people who know what they’re doing.
And when my husband whips a knife out of the drawer, he uses the weapon with such…authority.
He slices the unsuspecting cake in two, and I feel a little thrill.
Well, not really. I feel a HUGE thrill. Because it’s CAKE.
Yes, of course I want a piece.
I tell my husband to give me a small slice.
To him, a quarter of cake is a small slice…
which is why I love him so darn much.
Which is also why my pants don’t fit.
.
What is your favorite type of birthday cake?
June 21, 2013
My forbidden love affair is over
I drove alone. Luckily, it rained.
The smeary windshield hid my tears.
It was my very last trip to the school carpool.
I’ve made this trip for fourteen years.
While I waited for dismissal, I needlepointed three Xmas stockings.
I read twenty-eight books. I plucked my eyebrows. I listened to Donna Summer songs.
The waiting was worth it.
I got to listen to my kids decompress after school.
They regaled me with hair-raising tales of head lice, angst, and lovelorn tweens.
Best of all, I got to look at the handsome seventh grade history teacher every single day.
He inspired me to write my first long-length single title contemporary romance.
Coincidentally, the hero in the story looks a lot like him.
So, here’s to time well spent in the carpool line.
Let’s hope there is a good-looking teacher at the high school.
…I need inspiration for my next novel.
.
Did you ever have a crush on a teacher?
June 19, 2013
I don’t pee when it rains.
Oh, boy. It’s raining.
That means my dog will not pee for the rest of the day.
She’ll stand by the house, ignoring the call of Mother Nature.
Inevitably, desperation will override her vanity.
She performs her ablutions in record time.
Apparently, dogs don’t like to get their hairdo wet.
Neither do I.
.
This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my novella.
Check it out if you’re a sucker for tortured heroes and marriages of convenience.
#1 in Contemporary Fiction and Women’s Fiction in the Free Kindle Store in May.
Currently available for $2.99 in the Kindle Select store. On sale for all ebook readers in July.
.
What’s the strangest thing you’ve used as an umbrella?
June 17, 2013
My husband detests my secret admirer
Someone left a bouquet of white flowers for me.
The posies smelled like forbidden love and clandestine meetings.
I took a long sniff and erupted into a coughing fit. Heavy footsteps approached.
Uh, oh. My husband.
I didn’t want any trouble, so I stuffed the bouquet into the garbage.
My husband stalked into the kitchen and gave me a passionate kiss.
The kids muttered, “Ewww.” I squirmed out of my beloved’s torrid embrace.
It was time for me to whip up a gourmet breakfast. Steak and eggs, maybe. Or waffles.
My husband pointed to our spotless kitchen floor. “What’s this?”
A single white rose petal curled by his shiny Italian loafers.
I offered a logical explanation for the rose petal. “Oh, look. A butterfly’s wing.”
My husband’s blue eyes narrowed. “It’s him again, isn’t it? He sent you flowers.”
“Yep. The flowers are for my 30th birthday.” It was a horrible lie. My 30th birthday was years ago.
My husband made a terrifying growling noise.
Hair sprouted from his face and his nails began to grow.
His shirt ripped, exposing a muscled torso. He was turning into a Werewolf. Again.
To prevent a bloody rampage, I admitted the truth.
“It’s not exactly my 30th birthday, but my brother did send the flowers.”
My husband stopped growling. His fangs shortened. Catastrophe was averted.
He frowned. ”So, if you’re not thirty…how old are you?”
My lip curled into a snarl. “I’m thirty-one.”
“Huh. You don’t look a day over twenty.”
And that, my friends, is the secret to a happy marriage.
Please share your secrets for maintaining a happy relationship…
June 14, 2013
Hello, Friday. Goodbye, sanity.
I just got a new flash for my camera!
My family LOVES it.
We have officially entered summer vacation.
That means my kids will be spending their free time in the library, preparing for next year.
I intend to take lots of pictures of them pouring over ancient manuscripts, writing term papers, and learning Latin.
I will also be chronicling the odd choices of our dog, who thinks she lives in the lacrosse goal.
Finally, I will attempt to answer an age-old question:
“Why does some popcorn never make it out of the hot air popper?”
Do you know the answer?
If you do, please tell me so I can spend the rest of the summer sunbathing.
XO,
Lynn
June 12, 2013
I am going to have a baby when I’m eighty
I’ve been struck with an unwelcome case of “baby fever.”
In pursuit of pregnancy, I’m chasing my husband around the house.
He’s darn fast. Haven’t caught him yet, but I’m getting close.
My arthritic knee and plantar fasciitis keep slowing me down.
However, my husband can’t resist stopping to watch certain movies on television.
The next time Starship Troopers is televised, I might get very, very lucky.
In the meantime, I’m trying to convince my kids that having another sibling will be fun.
I’m not winning many converts.
Perhaps when the kids are out of the house and my husband finally slows down,
I’ll be able to post a very happy announcement right here on my website!
.
This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my novella.
Check it out if you’re a sucker for tortured heroes and marriages of convenience.
Available for $2.99 in the Kindle Select store. On sale for all ebook readers in July.
.
Is eighty years-old too late for motherhood?
June 10, 2013
How to achieve the most unbelievable pleasure while fully dressed
Want to achieve the most unbelievable pleasure known to mankind?
Want to do it while other people are watching? Or while you’re at the dentist’s office?
No problem. I’m willing to share the secret. As it turns out, all you need is…a pen.
Believe me, this isn’t going to be weird at all.
Hold onto your pen. Doesn’t matter how big it is.
Place your finger at the top, like so:
When the dentist approaches with a nine-inch needle full of Novocaine…
When the guy in the staff meeting won’t stop droning on and on…
When you have to sit through a elementary school concert…
depress the pen’s button.
Voila!
Mind-blowing pleasure will explode all over you.
.
This post brought to you by Please Don’t Take My Pen Away.
How do you get through the day’s tedious tasks?
June 7, 2013
I know stuff because my husband is James Bond.
“I prefer brunettes.” His gaze left the waitress and found me.
I pretended not to notice him while I ate my second serving of cake.
His deep baritone dropped an octave. ”Excuse me. Are you new here?”
I met his gaze and wiped the chocolate off my chin. “Er, yes. I’m on vacation.”
His gaze dropped to my empty plate. “Let me take you to my villa. You need more cake.”
Who doesn’t need more cake? I accepted his offer.
I tripped on my way out of the cafe and knocked over a pretty Ming vase.
My new friend graciously offered to pay for my lunch…and the broken pottery.
We drove to the Mediterranean coast in his Ferrari. He smiled when I broke the seatbelt.
“Your clumsiness is charming. Are you always so nervous around handsome men like me?”
“Actually, I’m nervous around everyone.” I pointed to a brawny man holstering a gun. “Especially him.”
“That’s just my bodyguard.” My friend’s lips curled into an arrogant grin. “He’ll protect you, too.”
“Terrific.” I sucker punched the guard, grabbed his gun, whipped a badge out of my bra.
My friend paled. “You work for the CIA. How long have you been following me?”
“The agency asked me to find you an hour ago.” I slapped handcuffs over his wrists.
He whimpered. “I’m just a businessman. Tell me what I did wrong, for Pete’s sake.”
I gripped his arm a little tighter than necessary. “You tailgated me fifteen years ago.”
His eyes widened. “That was you? I didn’t mean it. I swear. Let me go. I’ll be nice.”
“Sorry, buddy. It’s too late. The party’s over.” I shoved him into the waiting police car.
.
This post brought to you by Imagination.
Fantasy is the best way to get even.
.
Were these pictures taken near a Mediterranean villa…or Boston harbor?
