Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 24

If you have ferns in your yard, read this immediately

I used to like ferns.

They’re the only thing that grew in my yard.

So, I kept planting them.

I thought I was doing the right thing.

When I realized what their root systems look like,

I regretted planting so many ferns.

Because under every fern,

is this:

Please remove all ferns from my yard.

Thank you.

Bambi isn’t welcome here

As I gazed out of my palatial estate, I felt lonely.

No one else lived on my 1,000 acre estate.

It was just me tucked away in the woods.

A soft knock echoed through my castle.

I searched all 97 rooms and discovered the noise came from the front door.

I opened the heavy mahogany door inlaid with gold ingot.

A deer, a fox, and a squirrel stood on my front porch.

I invited them inside. I was desperate for company.

Even if the company included a deer.

I served them refreshments.

The deer declined. It had already eaten my entire garden.

The fox told witty jokes while it hid my silverware in it’s red coat.

The squirrel chattered incessantly and wouldn’t stop throwing nuts at me.

The meal was a bit…stressful.

I invited everyone to watch football in the living room.

The squirrel couldn’t sit still.

The fox curled up on the floor and fell asleep.

The deer kept laughing at the art hanging on my wall.

After they finally left, I retired to my bedroom.

I brushed my hair 100 times and thought about my lot in life.

I didn’t want to rub elbows with any more deer.

They’re bullies with no taste in art.

Time to move to the city.

.

Am I the only one who can’t stand deer?

If you see me holding a Slinky, hug me.

My husband warned me to move away front the window…but I couldn’t budge.

The twinkling lights of the city at night held me captive.

The empty streets looked like ribbons of gold.

A warm hand closed around my elbow and pulled me backwards.

I protested. I wanted to keep looking out the window.

Then I looked down. Oh, boy. I’m falling!

Perhaps I’ll land in the pool.

A 23-floor swan dive.

As I tumbled headfirst into a panic attack, I longed for comfort.

In our house, we’ve discovered holding a Slinky can reduce stress.

My Slinky was at home in my kitchen drawer. Fat lot of good it did me now.

So, I jumped into my husband’s arms. I immediately felt comforted.

I begged him to procure a hotel room on the first floor.

He said, “Did you forget your Slinky again?”

.

Perhaps a grown woman shouldn’t depend on a Slinky for courage.

Do you have a talisman that makes you feel better?

My husband crashed our car into a cow.

I get bored on long car rides.

After a while, I play with my camera.

Self-portraits entertain me for a few minutes.

Heck, for a few hours. You, too?

Dang, my hair looks awesome.

Do you think my sunglasses are too big?

Oh, look. Road salt. Do you think it will snow this winter?

Whoa, wait a minute.

(I cast a wide-eyed glance at my husband.)

“If we had a trailer, I could watch TV while you drive.”

He didn’t like my suggestion.

Then I found an even better idea…

In this mobile vehicle, I could watch TV and talk to my husband from the back seat.

When I told him the good news, my husband drove our van into a cow pasture.

That means he’s excited about my suggestion, right?

.

How do you stay entertained on long road trips?

I talk to strawberries, but not apples.

I miss peaches.

This summer, I gorged on them.

They were FANTASTIC!

Now that we’re in September, the peaches are gone. I weep.

My friends try to comfort me with awkward pats and promises of ripe apples.

I can’t get excited about apples. Apples are around ALL YEAR LONG. Not peaches.

Peaches are special.

So I sit in front of my computer, staring at peach pictures.

Drool pools in my mouth. I shake my fist at the ceiling.

I curse Mother Nature for taking away my fruit.

She’s such a meanie.

I suppose I’ll turn to strawberries again.

But what if they don’t like me anymore?

I kinda ignored them for the past few months.

.

Your advice is needed.

Thank you.

Do not poke animals who have long horns. Even if they look friendly.

Which end is the front?

I didn’t dare ask which end I should talk to…

because it annoys me when my husband asks the same question.

BWAH ha ha ha ha.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist making a bad joke.

She intrigued me because she looked so darn…tired.

She didn’t budge. Not even when I poked her.

* Warning: do not poke animals who have horns

…unless you are a romance author. *

I soon discovered why she was so exhausted.

She’d just had 30 babies.

Look!

They have horns, too!

I imagine childbearing wasn’t easy on the poor girl.

Makes human childbirth look rather tame, no?

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My new book, The Strong, Silent Type is available now.

His scars left him feeling dead inside…until she moved next door.

Click here to see the book preview.

How to tell if a Martian abducted your husband

My husband and I argued this weekend.

He stormed out of the house and headed toward the meadow.

At first, I was glad for the solitude.

Now I could stomp my feet and mutter to my heart’s content.

In a spurt of vengeance, I ate the last cookie in the pantry. That’ll teach him.

After a while, the solitude began to unnerve me.

Where was he? Why was he taking so long?

Was he having a good time without me?

When was he coming home?

Geez, what were we fighting about?

Uh, oh. Had he been abducted by Martians?

I picked up the phone to call Agent Mulder from the X-files.

The back door opened and my husband appeared, carrying flowers from the meadow.

I screamed. He really HAD been abducted by Martians…why else would he be carrying a bouquet?

I drove him to the doctor’s office right away.

.

Have you ever encountered proof  your beloved was abducted by Martians?

Ridiculously easy coffee cake

“Back to school” sounded like a great idea…

until our calendar filled up with with sports events, tests, dances, etc.

I’m combatting my holy-heck-where-did-my-free-time-go blues with COFFEE CAKE.

However, I’m not telling my doctor about my plans to use food for comfort.

The medical community tends to frown upon such coping mechanisms.

My doctor recommends running or vigorous exercise for stress relief.

I prefer a combination of moist cake, butter, and sugar.

When I’m in desperate need of comfort, FAST, I turn to an old recipe.

I’ve used it for years…which explains the 10 pounds I can’t lose.

Here it is:

.

I tend to use the classic brown sugar/butter topping,

but you can mix it up and add nuts, bananas,

or chocolate chips if you’re VERY stressed.

Wishing you a quiet, peaceful moment!

.

My new book, The Strong, Silent Type is available FREE  on Kindle!

My publisher is offering this giveaway between September 10-14th.





His scars left him feeling dead inside…until she moved next door.

When she discovers why his first marriage fell apart, will she run?

Click here to see the book preview.

My husband can’t keep his hand out of my drawers

My husband can’t keep his hands out of my drawers.

I had to do SOMETHING about it, because it was distracting.

Wait a minute, what drawers did you think I was talking about?

No, no, no! I’m talking about my junk drawer.

I started to clean and uncovered mysteries.

For instance, what does this unlock?

Oohhhh, so that’s where these went…

After borrowing some containers we never use, the drawer was ready.

Here is the “after” photo:

I spent 15 minutes cleaning this sucker out, and my life is changed.

It’s such a relief to be able to find stuff again.

.

My new book, The Strong, Silent Type is available FREE  on Kindle!

My publisher is offering this giveaway between September 10-14th.

Click on the book cover to download your copy today.





His scars left him feeling dead inside…until she moved next door.

When she discovers why his first marriage dissolved, will she run from him?

Click here to see the book preview.

Built by Martians…or not?

Some of you might recall that I’m convinced “water towers” are built by Martians.

They’re all over the place – perfect for communicating with the Mother Ship.

Besides, water towers are just weird…like Martians.

Here’s proof:

When I saw the peach-shaped water tower in South Carolina, I had to learn more.

I consulted the oracle (i.e. “Google”) and learned these towers hold fresh, clean water.

Water towers have two functions.

They supply water to town and provide water pressure.

Usually, they hold a day’s worth of water for the community.

A pump fills the tower with fresh, germ free water from the water treatment plant.

So, we can rest easy.

These aren’t Martian ships in storage…

…or are they?

.

My new book, The Strong, Silent Type is available now for Kindle.

It will be offered free on Amazon from September 10-14th.





His scars left him feeling dead inside…until she moved next door.

Will she run from him when she discovers why his first marriage fell apart?

Click here to see the book preview.