Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 20
January 20, 2014
How to have fun with a dictionary
Do you have a dictionary, some paper, and pencils?
You can play Fictionary!
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Pick out a weird word nobody knows.
Have your friends write a definition of the word.
Collect the definitions and read them out loud, including the correct definition.
You get a point each time someone doesn’t pick the right definition.
Your friends get a point for every vote cast for their definitions.
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Let’s play.
What is the definition of “remplissage?”
Nope. The correct definition of remplissage is:
“verbiage used to fill up space” (used in literary criticism).
What is the definition of “laaba?”
Nope.
Try again.
Nope.
A “laaba” is a high shelf.
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In my family, Fictionary is the perfect place to provide ridiculous answers.
Exhibit A:
In reality, a “quab” is something immature or unfinished.
But if you think about it, the above answer is immature, so it might just work.
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Whenever my husband is the one reading definitions, I love to put words into his mouth:
“Spavin” isn’t husbandly adoration but a disease that occurs in a horse’s hock.
(I like my definition better.)
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My family plays “Fictionary” whenever we get together.
For a more detailed description of the rules, click here.
Now go have fun with your dictionary!
January 17, 2014
How to clean your dog after she chases a squirrel into your neighbor’s house.
Winter is yucky.
Especially if you have a dog to walk.
Particularly if you dog chased a squirrel into your neighbor’s house.
Exhibit A – Naughty Dog
Exhibit B – Wet, messy, dirty dog who doesn’t want to be cleaned.
Place wet, dirty, naughty dog in a brightly wrapped box.
Unwrap the box next Christmas.
Exhibit C – clean, happy, well-behaved dog.
Clearly, I’m joking.
Don’t wait a year to unwrap your dog.
A week will be just fine.
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This post brought to you by People Who Need A Vacation.
Preferably, someplace warm without snow.
January 15, 2014
Wimpy parents birth brave babies
The first game of winter lacrosse season can be ugly.
Should I watch the girls who are about to score?
Or should I watch my kid get hit with the ball?
Should I watch the score board?
Perhaps I’d better stare at the turf and watch it grow.
Or maybe I need to watch the father yelling obscenities to the ref?
Suddenly, the answer was right in front of me.
I feel sooooo much calmer now.
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This post brought to you by Goalie Moms.
Bring us cookies.
January 13, 2014
Never ask your kid to draw a picture of you.
Boredom is dangerous.
To escape boredom’s dangerous grip, we took a walk.
Alas, we forgot to check one thing: the temperature.
Halfway through the neighborhood, we headed home.
‘Cause we’re wimps.
Boredom opened its arms and invited us inside the warm living room.
To escape boredom’s clutches, I asked my kid to draw a picture of me.
Notice that my kid went to the trouble of drawing a vertical and horizontal guideline.
She intended to make this picture VERY precise. An exact replica of me.
Ohmygosh, I had no idea my nose was so…pointy.
And someone better get me a comb, pronto.
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This post brought to you by Parental Mistakes.
Never, ever, ask your kid to draw a picture of you.
January 10, 2014
My husband wants me to put on 20 pounds
Don’t be jealous…but my husband wants me to gain weight.
Why else would he bring home stuff like this?
Clearly, he thinks I’m toooooo skinny.
I’m inclined to agree.
The cold winter requires a few extra pounds for warmth.
At this rate, I’ll be able to go outside without a coat.
And I’ll be able to buy a larger bra.
Hey, wait a second…is that why my husband keeps bringing home goodies?
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This post brought to you by Wives Who Wonder.
Would you please pass the nachos?
January 8, 2014
The gift that’ll always get you a hot night of sex.
I love presents that come in little boxes, don’t you?
It’s even better when there’s a little box inside the little box.
Oh, my!
My breath caught.
What did my husband get me?
A diamond ring?
Diamond earrings?
No, wait. A diamond pendant?
Oh, yes, yes, YES!!!!!!!!!!
To thank my husband, I unloaded the dishwasher
…because that’s what he really wanted, right? RIGHT?
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Did you get a nice present in December?
What was it?
January 6, 2014
The Dog Who Ate Christmas
Over Xmas, I forgave my dog for eating all the Thanksgiving appetizers.
Then I went to my brother’s house and met his dog.
I was enraged. Must my brother always best me?
His dog was far larger than my puny Sheltie.
How could this happen? Dogs don’t normally weight 180 pounds!
I suggested testing the dog for steroids, but my brother refused.
As a result, Christmas dinner was a bit tense.
We made faces at one another when no one looked.
Unfortunately, our silent battle produced an unfortunate result.
We lost track of his dog’s location…until we heard a loud clatter from the kitchen.
The Irish Wolfhound helped himself to the pumpkin pie.
After a stern lecture, my brother put the naughty dog outside…
…and I felt vindicated.
My dog didn’t eat Christmas, but my brother’s did!
Mwah ha ha ha ha!!!!
Victory tastes a bit like pumpkin pie.
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This post brought to you by Resolutions.
I resolve to stop making faces at my brother during holiday dinners.
What is your New Year’s resolution?
December 20, 2013
Ho Ho Ho
Wishing you all a joyful, merry Christmas!
December 18, 2013
Santa punched my husband
Santa started a barroom brawl last night.
He flirted with a woman he should’ve left alone.
Her guy threw a punch and broke Santa’s glasses.
To apologize for flirting, Santa dropped off a plate of cookies.
I told Santa he didn’t need to apologize.
Frankly, I was flattered he found me attractive.
The next day, he showed up with bread and wine.
Oops. Did Santa have a crush on me? My husband wouldn’t approve.
I told Santa I couldn’t see him any more. Then I took a long walk in the forest.
Santa hid behind the evergreen trees and followed me.
I broke into a run, which was more like a brisk walk.
During my escape, I tripped and ripped my clothes.
Santa felt so guilty, he brought me a new wardrobe .
I must say, that man sure knows how to apologize.
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This post brought to you by The Strong, Silent Type.
Written by me, published by The Wild Rose Press.
If he breaks his silence about the scars marring his face, will the truth drive her away?
A short romance set during the Christmas/New Year’s season. Available for $2.51.
Available for all ebooks here.
Available for Amazon Kindle here.
Hunky Chris Kringles. You’re welcome.
After last week’s nightmarish encounters with Chris Kringle,
I spent all weekend looking for examples of hunky Santa Claus.
I found some good ones. Pour yourself a cup of hot cocoa and enjoy.
This guy has bedroom eyes…
Do you know what bedroom eyes are?
Me neither.
Oh, look! This next guy has presents.
Now I’m not scared of Santa Claus any more.
Who doesn’t like Santa when he brings wine?
Did you know Santa wears eyeliner?
There. Is that better than last week’s posts?
Ho Ho Ho!
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This post brought to you by The Strong, Silent Type.
Written by me, published by The Wild Rose Press.
If he breaks his silence about the scars marring his face, will the truth drive her away?
A short romance set during the Christmas/New Year’s season. Available for $2.51.
Available for all ebooks here.
Available for Amazon Kindle here.
