Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 19
February 19, 2014
I want to swallow a gnat.
At first, we ran. We played. We threw snowballs.
Now I want to swallow a gnat.
I want to wear bermuda shorts.
I want to play golf and get sunburned.
I want mosquito bites, melting macadam, and poison ivy.
Heck, I’ll even welcome a tick.
The good news is: I won the bet for how much snow we’d get this winter.
The bad news is: I won the bet for how much snow we’d get this winter.
I’ve spent the past three months at my desk, writing while it snows.
I’ve got a wicked case of carpel tunnel syndrome and very poor posture.
If I don’t get outside soon, I will turn into a hunch-backed, brittle crone.
** PLEASE DO ALL YOU CAN TO CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING. **
Thank you.
Love,
Lynn
February 12, 2014
The fraternity party in my back yard.
Lately, my back yard feels a lot like a fraternity party.
There’s a whole lot of guys clustered around one pretty girl.
See her? She’s at the far right of the picture – without any horns.
She’s the most frightened one in the picture…
because she knows what these guys are trying to do.
And not a single one of them brought her flowers or candy.
Geez.
A couple of the guys had a little too much to drink and started talking about sports.
An argument erupted over whether the Superbowl should be played indoors.
The fellows lost track of time…and lost track of the pretty gal.
However, one dude walked away from the party.
He decided to go study at the library.
Oh, well how ’bout that?
The pretty girl was in the library, too. See her?
Moral of the story: studying is good.
.
The post brought to you by a Woman With A Faulty Memory.
She keeps telling her kids she studied a lot in college.
February 7, 2014
My house is haunted
Something is wrong. Isn’t February supposed to be a month filled with romance?
Rather than seeing roses, I’m seeing strange apparitions on the back of dirty spoons.
And that’s not the only weird thing going on.
We’re being invaded by horrific, huge creatures.
Like any good mother, I made my daughter get rid of the spider.
Moral of the story:
Do NOT allow your daughter to go away to college next autumn.
February 5, 2014
How to make winter stop – GUARANTEED!
I have a confession for my friends in Philadelphia. I’m responsible for all the snow.
You see, my snowman collection has been on display. Snowmen like snow.
However, this past Sunday our temperatures rose.
Mother Nature was telling me it was time to say goodbye to winter.
Spring has sprung!!
I obeyed Mother Nature.
I put away all the snowmen.
I got ready for Valentine’s Day.
The next day, THIS happened:
Moral of the story:
Mother Nature is mean.
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This post brought to you by Pale People.
We need warm weather so we can sunbathe again.
February 3, 2014
What to get your beloved for Valentine’s Day.
Tension is high in my house.
Valentine’s Day is 18 days away.
How will I demonstrate affection for my beloved?
Flowers are so last year.
What about preparing a fantastic meal?
Nah. My culinary exploits require hours of clean-up.
Maybe I’ll get my beloved this, instead, so he can find me when the Martians abduct me.
I may not know when the Martians plan to depart,
but I know exactly what to get my dog for Valentine’s Day.
She’ll do anything for a potato chip
…even dress up like a Xmas tree.
.
This post brought to you by Shelties.
We train our humans well.
January 31, 2014
A camera ruined my kids’ lives.
My kids are soooooo happy I got a camera
because I’ve documented every moment of their lives.
My photography isn’t the only parenting task I’ve mastered.
I also set very low expectations for my kids,
so they never feel any pressure to choose a particular college.
Combine these parenting skills with my spectacular cooking skills,
and I’m happy to report my kids have grown into fine, normal individuals.
If you have any parenting questions you’d like me to answer,
feel free to include them in the comment section below.
.
This post brought to you by Delusional Mothers.
Don’t let us photograph you.
January 29, 2014
Stuffed animals are NOT your family.
My dog was soooo happy when I took her home.
Here she is, six years ago…
Yeah, I know she looks befuddled and wary.
Trust me, that’s how she looks when she’s joyful.
Under my guidance, she learned how to make friends.
She learned how to become a supermodel.
She posed for thousands of photographs, without pay.
Yesterday, she asked for a raise.
She demanded I pay her for all the pictures.
I offered to double her salary. (Zero times two equals zero. Very affordable!)
She didn’t think I was funny. In fact, she stopped speaking to me and found another family.
And that, my friends, is my tail of woe.
January 27, 2014
Why my dog looks twenty years younger than me.
My concerns about global warming have increased.
Frankly, I’m alarmed at the lack of global warming.
What to do with all this snow?
Stick your face in it.
Snow gets rid of wrinkles.
My dog is 42 years old…see how great she looks?
So, I’m off to stick my face in the snow.
How much snow is covering your yard?
January 24, 2014
My cell phone finds Martians
Something weird happened.
I asked my cell phone to take me home. It didn’t.
Rather than direct me to my humble abode,
my phone sent me past a series of odd structures.
I swear, they looked like spaceships on a stick.
Some of them hovered above buildings.
Scary.
The spaceships were painted to blend into the environment…
‘Cause Martians are smart. They don’t want to alarm us.
Have you ever met someone who runs a water tower?
Have you ever seen a water tower being built?
Me, neither. Water towers appear overnight
because they are spaceships in disguise.
Parked in our back yards.
I’m documenting their presence, taking pictures.
Someday, one of these are going to take off, with me inside.
Frankly, I’m counting on you to remember which one I’m in and tell the authorities!
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This post brought to you by People With Too Much Time On Their Hands.
We panic for no good reason.
January 22, 2014
This is why my tree is weird.
A giant sat on my tree.
The tree adapted to the giant’s weight and girth.
Kind of like how my yoga pants adapted to my post-Xmas weight and girth.
I believe the giant was waiting for his beloved.
She was making a snowman in the field.
At least, that’s what she told the giant.
I see no evidence of a snowman.
Or even snow tracks. Oh, no.
Impending heartache alert!
She’s nowhere to be seen:
What do giants do when their hearts are broken?
They eat this:
FYI – cheesecake makes yoga pants shrink
…which is why I only eat chocolate.
