Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 31

I married him even though I had no idea who he was

What would happen if you had to marry a virtual stranger?

What if marriage was the only way to get rid your bankrupt farm?

What if you started to fall in love with him, only to discover he has too many secrets?

My debut novella is here!

It’s called Anything You Ask.

To celebrate, here is a book preview:

Priced at $3.99. Currently available at Amazon.com.

On sale for other ebook formats in July.

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Every writer needs a reader.

You give me what I need every time you visit my blog.

Thank you, my internet friends, for keeping me company while I write.

No fist fights at my kid’s lacrosse game…yet.

I’m pleased to announce a minor miracle.

We are two weeks into lacrosse season,

and no fist fights have broke out between the parents of opposing teams.

I’m responsible for the placid sidelines.

My behavior sets the tone for the entire game.

Here’s my girl.

When she’s alone, I’m happy.

It’s a different story when she has company.

She ALWAYS has company.

Her visitors ALWAYS throw balls at her.

I find it quite upsetting. I weep. I cry. I suck my thumb.

I bury my head in stranger’s necks and beg them to stop the game.

And everyone is so distracted by my behavior, they don’t yell at each other.

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This post brought to you by Anything You Ask, my new novella.

Available NOW! Click HERE for more information.

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Why I cry in hotel lobbies

No. I don’t miss my dog while I’m away on vacation.

Don’t be silly. Why do you ask?

Frankly, it’s a relief to spend time away from her.

When I’m home, she’s constantly staring at me with those brown eyes.

It’s exhausting trying to discern what she is trying to tell me.

So believe me, I have no problem going away without her.

I don’t even see anything that reminds me of her. Do you?

Oh, did you hear that? It sounds like a puppy.

Aww, how cute.

What? My eyes aren’t watering.

Um, sorry. I gotta go. Need to powder my nose.

This post brought to you by I Didn’t Do That.

Do you believe me?

Even my huge husband could not save me

On the spur of the moment, we took our teen to a water park.

Because the winter has been WAYYYYYY too long.

And cuz I love wearing a bathing suit. Ha ha ha.

My teen and her friend went off on their own, leaving my husband and I alone.

We travelled through tubes of coursing water, swallowed lots of chlorine,

and made out under the stairs when no one was looking.

A perfect day.

All that activity made me hungry.

I despaired of finding relief until…

Oh, yes. Healthy snack, here I come!

I chose potato chips, because my husband wasn’t looking.

Clapping my hands in anticipation, I waited for my selection to fall…

Oh, no.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

My husband heard me wail and rushed into the vending machine room.

When he discerned the reason for my distress, he did what any man would do.

He grabbed the machine and rocked it back and forth to free my potato chip snack.

It didn’t work, but my husband’s biceps bulged. Pretty soon, I forgot about the chips.

Can you guess what happened next?

If you can’t see the birds, look inside my dog’s mouth

I’d like to apologize for blaming birds for my poor grades in sex ed class.

To make up for calling them names a few days ago, I decided to throw them to a party.

I got lots of delicious food and sent out invitations.

After setting up a lovely buffet, I waited for them to arrive.

Nobody showed up. How rude.

Granted, the flower bed looked a bit messy.

Were the birds turning up their beaks at the sorry state of my yard?

After a while, somebody showed up to the party.

At least some people around here have some class.

Come to think of it, she was awfully hungry when she arrived.

Uh oh. I think I know where all the birds are…

When she burped, I swear I heard a “tweet.”

Perhaps I owe my avian friends another apology…

She’s a green lady from France with massive forearms.

She greets everyone, but she isn’t your typical hostess.

You won’t find a welcoming smile on her face.

Rather than offer you a drink or crack a joke when you appear,

she’s thinking about the job she has to do.

Holding the light aloft requires a strong, sturdy arm.

In many respects, she looks quite masculine,

but I find her quite beautiful.

When I first saw the Statue of Liberty when I was a kid, I wondered why she wasn’t smiling.

Now I know. She takes her job very seriously, lifting her torch for all to see.

She arrived in 1886 in 350 pieces. It took four months to assemble her.

Which goes to show that even though you might fall to pieces,

you can still stand for something wonderful

when you pull yourself together.

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These pictures were taken by my teen,

who visited New York City on her class trip.

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What is your reaction when you see Lady Liberty?

Why I failed sex ed class and still managed to have kids

Why do people talk about “the birds and the bees” when they refer to sex?

Every time I see birds and bees, they are never having sex with each other.

I spent my teens waiting for the birds and the bees to teach me something about sex.

They never went out on a date, or sent each other flowers, or…you know.

I finally asked my kid about the birds and the bees.

She explained that birds and bees don’t, um, date each other.

So I’ve been spending a lot of time watching birds with birds. And bees with bees.

I’m still not seeing any action. *Yawn*

So who thought birds and bees were good examples of sexual creatures?

Frankly, I learned more about sex from the turtles at the zoo.

And the monkeys. Those guys never stop copulating.

So when I have to give my younger kid the sex talk, I’m gonna talk about “the turtles and the monkeys.”

It won’t be as pretty as the birds and the bees, but my kid is gonna get the highest grade in sex education class.

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So who taught you about…? Wait a minute, that’s probably not a good question to ask.

How ’bout this: What was the Magna Carta and how did it change England?

Did my college professor pinch my butt?

Once upon a time, I took my kid to see my alma mater.

Then I began to lie. “Oh, look! Here’s the library. I spent all my time there.”

When the librarian rolled her eyes at me, I dragged my kid into the academic quad.

I regaled her with tales of my erudite term papers.

My Shakespeare professor happened to be walking behind us.

When he burst into laughter, I carried my kid into the science building.

We hid in the Chemistry department, where no one knew me.

Eager to get off campus, I suggested we walked into town.

I told my kid that I never, EVER, went to the movies.

My ruse was destroyed when the cinema owner spotted me.

He ran out of the lobby and gave me a huge hug because he missed me.

To salvage my reputation, we stopped by the campus chapel.

I prayed for enlightenment. It worked.

I got my kid out of town

before the campus police spotted me.

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This post sponsored by Parking Tickets.

Make sure you pay yours before graduation.

If I sit on coal, will it turn into a diamond?

I like to blame my husband for things he can’t control.

Admit it. You like to blame my husband, too.

Currently, I’m blaming my husband for all these trees.

Before we moved here, I liked trees. I thought they were nice.

Now I know better. They are messy, unpredictable, and require tons of upkeep.

They constantly drop leaves, flowers, seeds, and branches on our yard. It’s my husband’s fault!

Yesterday, I spent hours picking up the branches that fell over the winter.

I cussed under my breath. I kicked tree trunks. I shot dirty looks at my husband.

Let me clarify that my dirty looks weren’t lusty in nature, but accusatory and critical.

No big deal. We’re nine months away from Christmas. Santa ain’t watching. He’s resting on a beach.

Santa sure as heck isn’t picking up branches on a cold Spring day, I can tell you that!

Oh, look. Another piece of garbage lodged near MORE branches from our trees.

I knelt in the cold, wet leaves to pick up the paper.

My stomach curled into a tight knot of disbelief.

Ohmygosh, it couldn’t be true.

Santa WAS watching!

Drat. He saw me stick my tongue out at my husband.

Now my husband is going to get all the great toys and I’m gonna get coal.

Wait a minute. This was just a wild coincidence.

I tossed the Santa sticker into the trash.

And a huge branch fell on my head.

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This week, have you been naughty or nice?

Porn for folks with high cholesterol

Oh yeah, baby.

You know how I like it.

I know I shouldn’t, but…

You’re so darn irresistible.

Yes, that’s an ancient plate with an unattractive floral design.

Just keep your eyes on the prize. Lasagna. Gorgeous.

Before we dig in, I just have to write a note.

Dear Dr. Cardiologist,

I find your lectures frightening.

In fact, I haven’t been able to sleep for a week.

So, I’m resorting to desperate measures. I’m gonna eat some comfort food.

Love,

Lynn

P.S. Brownies are for dessert.

P.P.S. With vanilla ice cream. And hot fudge.

P.P.P.S. Keep your blood pressure cuff away from me.