Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 23
October 23, 2013
This winter, we will have 42 inches of snow. Or not.
I am ready to predict this winter’s snowfall amounts.
My analysis is based on hours of scientific inquiry.
Basically, I studied woolly bear caterpillars.
If the brown bands on fall woolly bears are narrow, a harsh winter is coming.
My research indicates a mild winter is on its way.
Therefore, don’t buy new boots or snow pants.
Those purchases will be a waste of money.
Buy tank tops and shorts.
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This post brought to you by Inaccurate Weather Forecasts.
Pack a sweater just in case.
October 21, 2013
How to get your spouse’s attention
Does your spouse think going to the kids’ sporting event counts as a date?
Have no fear. Sporting events can be romantic.
All you need is a little paint and a lot of courage.
It helps if you aren’t afraid of heights, too.
Place your romantic message someplace your spouse is sure to spot.
Voila!
Instant romance!
…and perhaps an instant misdemeanor.
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Do you leave handwritten love notes for your beloved?
October 18, 2013
How to get over your fear
Once upon a time, there was a girl who hated spiders.
They terrified her.
Then she married a hunk who moved her into the woods.
Big, big mistake. Spiders everywhere.
She lost count of the number of webs she walked into.
She discovered that spiders are particularly active in October.
She learned to close her mouth when she went outside…cuz webs taste icky.
She suffered a thousand panic attacks during the autumn.
She started searching for condos in the Big City.
She dreamt of spider-less sidewalks.
Then her husband took off his shirt and she forgot about spiders.
THE END
October 16, 2013
We have a cat…and I didn’t even know it.
Something is very wrong with this picture.
Do you see it? Look at the garbage cans.
There! It’s grey and white and feline.
We have a cat and I didn’t even know it.
A cat with crazy eyes and a social anxiety disorder.
Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who didn’t realize we had a new pet…
Perhaps a pet hippo would be more effective at keeping out intruders.
Your opinions are welcome…
October 14, 2013
Signs of stupidity, part five hundred ninety-four
Apparently, street signs are just “suggestions.”
Apparently, you don’t have to pay attention to street signs.
Especially if you’re important…in your own mind.
Apparently, these people don’t read street signs.
So the rest of us don’t have to, either.
Apparently, stop signs and speed limits are just suggestions, too.
In that case, I’m gonna make it to the grocery store in five minutes flat. YAY!
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By the way, I bought this NO PARKING sign and installed it
so people would stop parking along our road.
It’s not working. Suggestions welcome.
October 11, 2013
Do NOT go shopping without a belt tied around your head
Shopping is dangerous.
Stuff like this happens:
You’re walking around the mall, minding your business,
you look into a window and realize you’re missing the top half of your head.
Not good.
This doesn’t just happen to guys, mind you.
Ladies suffer the same fate.
That’s why I walk around the mall with a belt or scarf tied around my head.
So far, I haven’t lost the top of my head…
…but I can’t figure out how to keep my face from disappearing.
Suggestions are welcome.
October 9, 2013
Is that a nose on your arm?
Dang, I have GREAT eyesight.
I can spot a bug from miles away.
Heck, my bug photos could land a spot in National Geographic.
I’d make a fortune!
Maybe I could submit these to the Smithsonian.
Maybe I could help entymologists find rare bugs.
Maybe I could…oh wait…is this a caterpillar?
No. It’s grass seed from The Meadow.
Er, forget what you just read.
Time to visit the eye doctor.
October 7, 2013
Dog scarf giveaway
I’d like to do something nice for you…
because you read my blog.
How ’bout a giveaway?
Pardon my model.
She’s a bit camera shy.
I have six “Pet Me” dog scarfs
and one “Boo!” dog scarf.
Made by yours truly.
(Me, not the dog.)
They’ll fit a small dog.
So, if you’d like one, just say so in the comment section on my blog.
I’ll contact you via email to procure your mailing address.
Unfortunately, I only have 7 to give away…
but we’ll do another giveaway soon.
Thanks for being my buddies!
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This giveaway brought to you by my romance novellas:
Anything You Ask and The Strong, Silent Type.
October 4, 2013
Now I know why my neighbor can’t get rid of her pizza boxes.
Something is very wrong with this picture.
Labels are very powerful.
Use them wisely.
October 2, 2013
I screamed on a date. Again.
Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our wedding anniversary.
He invited me to take a romantic stroll in The Meadow.
I agreed, because I had no idea disaster would strike.
I wore a gauzy, green dress.
My husband said I looked beautiful.
Overcome by passion, we embraced.
He nibbled on my neck. Something else nibbled on my leg.
I looked down and realized The Meadow was full of ravenous monsters.
They mistook me for a tasty treat, because I was wearing green.
I screamed and sprinted home.
My husband returned a few minutes later, shirtless.
The Meadow’s monsters ate his green t-shirt.
Suddenly, I didn’t mind their appetite.
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This post brought to you by Women Who Like Bare-Chested Men.
Who doesn’t?
