Lynn Kellan's Blog, page 26

Butterflies taste like filet mignon

She’s cute, but vicious.

Look closely. Do you see?

The evidence is by her paw.

She’s a cold-blooded killer.

Oh, the horror.

“Mmm. Smells like filet mignon.”

Now I know why our flowers aren’t being pollenated this year.

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What do your pets eat?

I argued with my dog and lost.

My dog and I had a terrible argument.

It was about petunias. Yeah, I know. No surprise, huh?

Petunias are extremely controversial. After all, a petunia started WWI.

Okay, maybe my grasp on history is flawed, but I know a pretty flower when I see one.

This summer, our purple petunias have put on quite a show.

I presented the compelling evidence to my dog.

She turned her nose away in disgust.

I implored her to look at the beautiful color, the star-shaped petals, the deep center.

She thought it smelled bad. Too spicy. Olfactory goodness is all that matters to a dog.

No matter how vigorously I argued, she refused to concede.

I swear, her steadfast determination would’ve made Winston Churchill proud.

Left with no other option, I attempted to find common ground to reestablish harmony.

We both agreed petunias make fabulous hats.

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What do you and your pets argue about?

I fed my neighbor to the dog.

When all else failed,

I fed my neighbor to the dog.

She no longer flirts with my husband,

but she’s giving my furry friend a terrible case of indigestion.

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Have a great weekend, all!

 

 

If your neighbor won’t stop flirting with your husband…

Don’t marry someone good-looking.

You’ll spend the rest of your life fending off the competition.

If you made the mistake of marrying someone “hot,” then follow this advice.

When your neighbor won’t stop flirting with your spouse, invite her/him on a road trip.

Take her/him to a hotel in Atlanta in August. Share a room on the thirty-fourth floor.

While you unpack, mention how much you absolutely adore your spouse.

Nudge your neighbor close to the window.

Tell her/him you have a problem. Sharing isn’t easy for you.

Actually, you share feelings just fine. Sharing your spouse is the problem.

Tell your neighbor the notion of sharing your spouse makes your insides vibrate

like you’re inside a thundercloud on the 34th floor of a hotel in Atlanta.

A demonic laugh will drive home your point quite well.

At this moment, you’ll notice a sheen of sweat on your neighbor’s brow.

He/she will blink rapidly. He/she will mutter something incomprehensible.

You’ll lean closer and he/she will promise never to flirt with your spouse again.

When the skies clear, offer to buy your neighbor dinner.

They’ll decline and ask to go home. Accept their plea graciously.

Drive home and drop them off at the curb. Watch them scurry into their house.

Check your hair in the rear view mirror. Walk into your living room and make out with your spouse.

Repeat as necessary.

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How do you fend off unwanted flirtation?

How to stop her from flirting with your husband.

 

 

 

Know someone who flirts with your husband?

I know how to get rid of her.

First, get a bull.

Be careful. He’s angry, spiteful, and devoid of good manners.

And he’s got nasty halitosis.

He’ll kick your wall, and dishes will scatter on your kitchen counter.

Toys will litter the floor. Your bras will hang from the ceiling fan.

When the house is a wreck, the doorbell will ring. It’s her.

The one who gossips and flirts with your spouse.

Get a bulldog. He will chase away the bull.

However, pulling the lingerie off the ceiling fan is your job.

Frankly, a bulldog just isn’t tall enough to reach those scanty panties.

Be sure to dress your pooch in a fancy matador’s outfit. Open the door.

Your lascivious neighbor will be stuck dumb with surprise.

She won’t even notice that you’ve hidden your spouse.

And that, my friends, is how you stop unwelcome flirting.

Additional suggestions are welcome…

Test your marriage with a 1600 mile road trip

When I realized my writers’ conference was 800 miles away, I had an awful idea.

Unable to keep the idea to myself, I turned to my husband and hollered, “Road trip!”

Oh wanderlust, thou art a fickle beast.

For some reason, my husband said “Okay.”

The good news is: our marriage survived the 1600 mile trip.

The bad news is: I sang the theme song to Smokey and the Bandit to pass the time.

“East bound and down, loaded up and truckin’,

we’re gonna do what they say can’t be done…”

Oh, yeah. They said we’d strangle each other by the time we got to Atlanta.

We were too blasted tired to act on our pent-up frustrations.

Sitting in a car for 16 hours is soooo tiring.

Wanna know how to tell if you’ve been on the highway too long?

Well, if you find this exit sign to be hysterically amusing,

you’ve probably been in the car WAY too long.

What is the farthest road trip you’ve taken?

I went to a romance writers’ conference and all I got was a case of vertigo.

Last week, I attended the national conference for romance writers.

It was terrific, except for one minor problem.

Holy smokes, the hotel was TALL.

I was okay, as long as I didn’t look down.

In the next picture, you’ll see a shot from my room.

The view made me break into a flop sweat, but I didn’t cry like a little girl.

But the minute I looked down, or up, I squealed like a little baby.

Have you ever had that feeling where you feel like you’re going to topple over a railing?

The nice thing about writing conferences is you’re likely to land in a workshop about crafting a sex scene.

That topic always distracts me from my troubles.

Oh, mommy. Why oh why do they make buildings this tall?

Don’t these people understand the  concept of gravity?

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of talking to fellow writers, agents, and editors.

I asked if they felt the compulsion to fall 23 stories into a sex scene workshop.

They didn’t, but they did feel the compulsion to stand FAR away from me.

And that is why I didn’t make any friends at the conference.

Can you tolerate heights without making a fool of yourself?

My lover is difficult to hide from my husband

Dear Vermont,

I love you.

Do you miss me?

I’m considering moving closer just to be with you.

But if I do,

I’ll never get any work done

…because I’ll be too busy staring at you.

So let’s just be friends…

until next summer.

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Where is your favorite place to visit?

Weird things I saw on vacation

I saw some weird things

while we were in a beautiful Vermont town.

I want you….

…to bring me more dessert.

Isn’t it weird how these cheesecake bites ended up in front of me?

I never, ever order stuff like that. In fact, I always order salad.

That’s not the only weird thing I saw on vacation…

That is an actual road sign, unretouched by me.

I find it a bit vague, don’t you?

While we were there, my daughter got her first love notes…

They were from the sweetest four year-old ever.

I’m a little bummed I didn’t receive similar missives.

When we got home from vacation, this was waiting by our door.

It’s a cross between a hereford cow and a butterfly.

Has anything weird happened to you lately?

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This post brought to you by my contemporary romance called Anything You Ask.

Their marriage was supposed to be temporary…until he did anything she asked.

Available for $3.99 in all ebook formats and in print for $9.99.

I’m in love with a skeleton. Are you?

She’s a pathetic sight at bath time.

All matted fur and bones.

Oh, wet pet.

I love this skeleton covered in fur.

Especially when she’s dry.

Does your four-legged companion hate baths as much as my dog?

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This post brought to you by Shelties.

We weigh 16 pounds dry and 5 pounds wet.