Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 36

January 11, 2016

5 Ways Rituals Enhance Your Relationship with Yourself and Your Dynamic

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 7/11/15

Often enough, rituals are reserved for “serious” M/s relationships and D/s that has gone 24/7. At least that’s what I pick up from the multitude of threads I read online and the people I talk to in groups. If you’ve read anything on this site before you’ll probably know my stand on that. It’s completely false. We live such unique and interesting lives that each dynamic is different and wonderful for the people involved. If they want ritual, there will be ritual. In fact, I find ritual to be very prevalent in long distance and online-only relationships. So, every relationship can be enhanced by ritual and also every person in the exchange can get something from ritual. It’s not hard to get started either.

Let me take a step back then and cover what ritual is for those of you who are curious but need to understand the basics before you would consider adding it to your already busy life. Ritual is a meditative, focused activity or set of behaviors meant to connect with a specific feeling. Ho you interpret that and include it into your life is up to you, but some ideas can include having a mantra or phrase you are required to say before getting up every morning. Kneeling and reciting a mantra or kissing your partner’s feet. It could be purely verbal, in that you have a call and response between the two of you.

“Who owns you?”

“You own me, Master, body and soul.”

“Why are you here?”

“To provide you with pleasure, Master, always and in all ways.”

Ritual isn’t for everyone, and I don’t expect everyone to adopt a ritual just after reading this article. Perhaps though, you will consider how it could be considered important to a lot of relationships to have these moments of ritual and connection, and understand that it’s not at all fancy and time-consuming (although it can be). Relationships that adopt ritual find it very important to reaffirming who they are to each other, whether that be because they are apart, live long distance or perhaps just to reset from a busy day at work or with the kids. Ritual has a way of slowing you down and bringing you back to a focus on each other.

Here are five ways that using ritual can deepen your sense of submission and the connection you have with your Dominant.

1. Deepen the Connection with Your Submission and/or Your Partner

One of the main reasons ritual is used in power exchange dynamics is to deepen the connection between the people involved. Often a ritual helps to reaffirm the roles you’ve agreed upon, opens up the mind to the mindset needed for the power exchange and provides a special meaning between the people involved. It’s powerful when done right and ritual can reconnect you after a long hard day at work, a mistake and subsequent punishment period or when you just feel off-kilter.

2. Awaken New Desires for Kink or Power Exchange

In some instances, using ritual to explore new things adds a sense of purpose and safety to the activity that may not be there without the meditative focus that ritual includes. For example, if you are interested in starting anal play, you could begin with a ritual cleansing or gentle use of a butt plug with a direction to think about pleasure or praise or to chant a sexualized phrase to embrace the experience.

Also, if a mantra or kneeling meditation is a part of your submission already, you could find that your mind focuses on different things during your meditation that you could bring to your partner at a later date as something you’d like to try or perhaps add to your dynamic. For me personally, it’s often ritual that drives me to want to add more protocol or ritual to my everyday.

3. Provide a Connection Activity When You Are Apart That Affirms Your Place in the Dynamic

As I said above, a lot of ritual tends to happen in relationships that spend a time apart, or are long distance or only online. The reason for this is to provide that connection to one another when you can’t physically be together. For online only relationships it may be one of the most important things a couple can do to keep their dynamic alive when you aren’t talking to one another.

When a couple is apart, even if you are vanilla, you’d have something to remind you of your partner and the connection you have when you can’t be face to face. It could be as simple as touching your wedding ring when you miss them, to kneeling at the foot of the bed and chanting your mantra for 10 mins everyday.

When KnyghtMare and I are apart I still have all my rules to follow and when we talk to each other as required it becomes ritual when we use call and response things to reaffirm that we are still Master and slave even though miles separate us. It brings us closer together.

4. Keep You in The Right Mindset or Help You Get There When You’ve Slipped

Often, ritual is used to keep the dynamic simmering just below the surface so that you don’t lose that powerful connection with your submission throughout the day. One of my favorite things about the rituals I have is that if I’m feeling a bit disconnected from my submission I can do a ritual and feel rejuvenated and reconnected to it.

There’s a simplicity about having a ritual that you can do without your partner that is there to help you get back on track. And rituals don’t have to be done with the other person; especially if you just need a jolt of submission and a mindset focus. Something that I like to do is read submissive poetry. A few good ones are the Submissive’s Prayer by Screamer Girl, Submissive Quotes and an Example of a Slave’s Rosary.

5. Learn Better Habits and Behaviors

In some occasions, you might find that a ritual can help you learn a new behavior or work on a bad habit. When you take a simple task or behavior and add purpose and focus to it the task becomes more important, easier to follow and a stronger influence to your mind.

Let’s take, for example, biting your nails. You’ve been tasked to stop biting your nails. Now the ritual you need to have to work with this needs to deflect yourself from chewing your nails so let’s say you have to get up immediately and go to the bathroom when you catch yourself chewing them. In the bathroom you have to wash your hands and soap each of your fingernails while thinking something like, “My Sir likes long pretty nails. It is my task to make them presentable for him. My body is his to enjoy. I will not bite my nails.”

In the example, you are trying to break the habit and reaffirm something positive about why you shouldn’t bite your nails, in this case that your body is his and he likes pretty nails. For some people this could work better than a punishment and reward system of behavior modification.

So whatever you do with rituals, be that just exploring all you can do with them or applying them to certain parts of your life I hope that you will start to see the wide variety of ways that ritual can enhance your power exchange dynamic without having to be a “serious 24/7 dynamic”. Rituals can even be done as a part of a personal protocol situation if you are single! Spend some time exploring how rituals could be added to your dynamic or continue researching the internet or buy a book. It could be the piece of the puzzle you’ve been looking for.

Thoughts to Ponder
Do you have any rituals in your relationship? If not, are you interested in rituals? What rituals interest you?
What is a favorite ritual of yours or one you like to witness?
Can you think of any everyday rituals that we do as a part of society? (example: the process of raising and lowering of the US flag)
Interesting Links
Protocols: Handbook for the Female Slave by Robert Rubel PhD (also Handbook for the Leather Slave)
BDSM Rituals and Routines
D/s Protocol and Ritual
Related Posts:
Chat Night Transcript from “Recovering from a Breakup” Talk
Enhance Your Sex and BDSM Play with Rituals in the Bedroom
High Tea, Japanese Tea Ceremony and Formal Dining
Telling the Difference Between a Ritual and a Protocol
Massage as Ritual

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 11, 2016 07:00

January 10, 2016

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

January is almost half over and I have yet to do my usual looking back on last year and planning for this year with goals and resolutions. So much has been going wrong financially lately that it hasn’t let me really concentrate on what I’d like to. I guess it happens, right? But I have recently discovered Bullet Journaling and it looks fascinating. I’m trying to figure out how I could implement something similar using Evernote, since I’m always on that already. Although, a guilty pleasure I have had for years is that I love hardback journals, Love them! But I never know what to put in them. Maybe this is finally the excuse I need to use the pretty things. Do any of the rest of you use daily diaries or journals to track your days instead of digital means? How does that work for you?

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a monthyou can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one one one time with me!Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Coping with Release: The End of the Relationship
Polyamorous Resources From Around the Web
Book Review and GIVEAWAY: Enough to Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation by Princess Kali

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Opening the relationship when it’s already rocky

Hello, my partner is submissive, and I am vanilla. We have be together for close to 2 years, but have known each other for much longer. Our relationship has been rocky for some time now, and I have recently agreed to letting my partner fulfill her needs. Although we have agreed to work fiercely on our primary relationship, my inexperience with the BDSM culture, leaves me in fear that her outside play will lead to the ultimate destruction of our primary relationship. I would love some advice and education as to what resources I could pursue to help me cultivate a better understanding.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Weekly discussions hosted by MRs. Darling.

New to the Lifestyle

What advice would you give to a newcomer to the Lifestyle?

If you could go back in time and change one thing about your beginning BDSM, what would you do differently?

What is your favorite “must read” link to a submissiveguide.Com article that you suggest for all newcomers?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: The Year’s Best-Selling BDSM Books and eBooks from Amazon Voted by YOU
In 2014: 7 Myths of Grieving and Understanding Your Responses to Death by Shahjahani
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – How do I encourage my partner to go further?
In 2012: Submission in Marriage – Shifting from Husband and Wife to Dominant and Submissive
In 2011: How to Sew On a Button and other Simple Mending Tasks

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Do you feel it is most effective that an experienced owner act as a mentor for potential slaves, or experienced slaves act as a mentor for those pursuing slavery?
Like a French poem is life; being only perfect in structure when with the masculine rhymes mingled the feminine are. — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
If you are a service submissive without a partner, how do you negotiate sexual service?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Erotic Awakening Podcast

EA383 – Asexual

4 Jan 2016, 12:49pm GMT

→ Erotic Awakening Podcast

This week on the Erotic Awakening Podcast, Dan & dawn talk with Page from The Pageist about being asexual. It is a great conversation! Plus, they talk about their naughty 101 list, but have to stop. PLUS tentacle shoes, pre-show sex, and no mention of Star Wars at all! Tags? Oh yea we got tags #asexual #starwars #lyingaboutstarwarstousethepopulartag #bdsm Don’t miss an episode! Click here to subscribe via iTunes or here for any other method Part of the Erotic Awakening Podcast Network Click the banner above for other great shows spanning the realm of BDSM, Sacred Sexuality, Tantra, and simply fun kink! Need canes? Get 10% with the discount code dananddawn15

MP3 audio (38MB, 42min)

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Published on January 10, 2016 10:00

January 8, 2016

Book Review and GIVEAWAY: Enough to Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation by Princess Kali

In May of this year I was fortunate enough to attend a BDSM convention that Princess Kali was presenting her Erotic Humiliation class. During her class she mentioned that she was writing a book about the topic and that it would be out soon. As she presented her class I became more and more excited for what the book might contain. Her knowledge and story-telling is very engaging and I hoped that her book would be just as fascinating. So when Enough to Make You Blush: Exploring Erotica Humiliation came out I was well rewarded. Let me tell you about this wonderful book!

Not only does it read like one of her wonderful intensive classes, but it has a lot of first hand accounts from other people in the lifestyle that she surveyed for the book. It’s great for beginners and experienced players in humiliation and it covers so many different forms of humiliation; many I wasn’t even aware of. I was so thrilled that some of the stories of Princess Kali’s Pro Domme days were in there and they are hilarious and entertaining.

The first sections of be book are the basics of what erotic humiliation is, why people like it and how to start negotiating it with your partner. If you unclear about erotic humiliation, start with the definition from the book;

Erotic humiliation is about taking a “real world thing/word/action which we commonly understand as “humiliating” and re-contextualizing it as erotic play by adding a layer of acceptance, appreciation, and mutual enjoyment. [...] Erotic Humiliation plays on concepts like misogyny, gender roles, and the “ick factor” to create an experience that is ultimately pleasurable, rather than offensive, injurious, or disgusting. (pg. 11)

I really appreciate a book that can take survey responses and use them in a way that moves the information along and provides even more experience and added benefit. Princess Kali does a fantastic job of making the survey responses work for her in sharing the important terms and teaching the nuances to this often tricky play activity. You can’t beat the added true stories either!

Some of the more common humiliation activities have entire chapters devoted to them. If you’ve ever had an interest in erotic humiliation in context of foot fetish, objectification and dehumanization, chastity and orgasm games, sissification and forced feminization, nudity or body function and fluids then you’ll love the in-depth information and personal stories to help fill out your dreams, ideas and play repertoire. I was especially excited about the objectification and orgasm games personally and was not disappointed. A couple ideas are now a part of our play!

Erotic humiliation finally has a resource guide that every kinky person will want to own! Well-known presenter and Humiliatrix, Kali Williams, teaches you how to embrace the moments of embarrassment and pleasure to deepen scenes and relationships. Her candid and humorous true stories are the perfect compliment to the necessary safety information you must have to make erotic humiliation spark for you. She provides you with plenty of deliciously devious ideas, creative verbal assaults, subtle public play and hot displays of embarrassment and erotic shame that will leave you squirming in your seat. Enough to Make You Blush gives you a powerful item in your SM armory to bring your most secret “embarrassing” fantasies to life. And when you think you’ve had just enough mental foreplay for your own exchanges she gives you the tools to make it safer, more exciting and fun!

Product Details
lunaKM’s Rating: 10/10
Paperback: 206 pages
Publisher: Erotication Publications (November 8, 2015)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0692534911P

Pick up your copy now on Amazon.com!

GIVEAWAY

Would you like a copy of Enough to Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation by Princess Kali? Well I’m happy to have one signed copy of the book available for a lucky reader! Just enter in the widget below (email subscribers might need to view the article on the site) and cross your fingers! Entries will be received until January 15th and the winner announced on the 18th. Open Internationally – I’ll ship anywhere!

Enough To Make You Blush Book Giveaway

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Published on January 08, 2016 07:00

January 6, 2016

Ask lunaKM – Opening the relationship when it’s already rocky

Hello, my partner is submissive, and I am vanilla. We have be together for close to 2 years, but have known each other for much longer. Our relationship has been rocky for some time now, and I have recently agreed to letting my partner fulfill her needs. Although we have agreed to work fiercely on our primary relationship, my inexperience with the BDSM culture, leaves me in fear that her outside play will lead to the ultimate destruction of our primary relationship. I would love some advice and education as to what resources I could pursue to help me cultivate a better understanding.

Sincerely,
A lot of Questions

Hello A lot of Questions,

I’m glad you felt I could help answer your question. Opening up an already unstable relationship is hard on everyone.

You definitely have a place to fear the stability of your relationship, mainly because you said in your letter that it has been rocky for a long time. I would personally never suggest opening up a relationship unless it is a solid primary relationship. Now, with that said, I could very well be wrong in thinking this could end your relationship. It could be the answer to your stress. Since you didn’t elaborate on what’s causing the issues in your relationship I can only make generalities. If your partner has needs that you can no fulfill it is possible that an outside partner could take care of that and then your own relationship with her would normalize because she’d feel more satisfied. As you likely fear, it could turn against you too.

The focus needs to be on the primary relationship to repair what is going wrong with that first. Even if you do open the relationship, that primary relationship needs to remain strong or it could crumble, through no fault of the outside party. If you haven’t sought outside help, perhaps now is the time to consider couple’s therapy to get back on the right track.

What you should do before you go further and while you are still talking about your own relationship is to lay down ground rules for this new partner. Cover safe sex practices, how much information you want or need about the person and what they do together and if you need to meet the person at all. There is a lot of complexity about open relationships and being well informed and keeping the lines of communication open will go a long way in stabilizing your relationship.

I suggest you pick up one or all of the following books. Read them, make notes, ask questions and talk with your partner about what you are reading. Better yet, read the book together.

Submissive Guide Recommends These Books on Poly Relationships:

One of the books I’ve read and reviewed for Submissive Guide is the Ethical Slut. I thought it was a great book and you can read my review of it here. People I talk to in polyamory circles rave about the book Opening Up also, but I have yet to read it. There is also some great forums on FetLife.com if you can brave the kink scene to get some answers to questions online.

Also ask her what being in a BDSM relationship means for her and for you. What depth of relationship is she looking for in a Dominant? If the primary relationship is strong and the communication is wide open, then there’s nothing to fear about BDSM partners. And that’s the bulk of where things go wrong too. You have to be able to talk about these things and understand where she’s coming from. You will likely be her support when she’s not with her Dominant partner which means you’ll want to know her mental and emotional state, how to care for her when/if she drops from play and if you’ll be okay seeing marks on her; bruises, cuts, scrapes from someone else. It all has to be laid on the table. It won’t be easy but it is possible.

I wish you all the best.

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on January 06, 2016 07:00

January 5, 2016

Polyamorous Resources From Around the Web

Every once and awhile, I get a message from a friend on Facebook or a reader asking me about polyamory resources since they know I’m in a polyamorous relationship. My usual response is give me a few days and I’ll get back to them after I go through my bookmarks so, I thought it would be useful to have links and resources in one place. I also thought it would be a good idea to share those resources with Submissive Guide readers as well.

Fetlife

There are a TON of polyamorous groups on Fetlife. I did some searching and found a handful of groups that most might find helpful.

Poly & Kinky This is Fetlife’s biggest polyamorous group. There are tons of threads all dealing with different aspects of polyamory.

Ask A Poly a Question The title says it all. People come here to ask questions to other people about polyamorous relationships.

Poly Parenting How to balance being in a polyamorous relationship and dealing with children.

D/s-Poly Support This group is for people who are not only in a power exchange relationship, but polyamorous well.

MonoPoly-The New Game! This group is for those individuals who are in a mongamous relationship with someone who is polyamorous.

Practicing Polyamory Like with Poly & Kinky, this is another group where people can ask questions and discuss topics about polyamory.

The Poly Support Group This group hasn’t been very active recently, but there are a lot of past threads and a list of some great resources listed.

Books

There are A TON of books out there written about polyamorous relationships. There’s no possible way that I could list them all. The ones I am including are ones that I have read myself or have had recommended to me by others.

The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle–from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms. You can read lunaKM’s review of the book here.

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino Relationship expert and bestselling author Tristan Taormino offers a bold new strategy for creating loving, lasting relationships. Drawing on in-depth interviews with over a hundred women and men,Opening Up explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships — from partnered non-monogamy to solo polyamory. With her refreshingly down-to-earth style and sharp wit, Taormino offers solutions for making an open relationship work, including tips on dealing with jealousy, negotiating boundaries, finding community, parenting and time management. Opening Up will change the way you think about intimacy. You can read my review of this book here.

Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic by Raven Kaldera Power Circuits is an alliance between two alternative lifestyles: polyamory, or multiple open and honest romantic relationships; and power dynamics, relationships that choose to be consciously and deliberately unequal in power, such as dominant/submissive or master/slave. Both lifestyles are on the cutting-edge frontiers of romantic and sexual relating, and for a long time practitioners of both have found little sympathy in either camp. This is the first book of its kind that navigates the waters of effective polyamory and power exchanges, with many essays from the brave practitioners who swim there.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert This wide-ranging resource explores the often-complex world of living polyamorously: the nuances (no, this isn t swinging), the relationship options (do you suit a V, an N, an open network?), the myths (don’t count on wild orgies and endless sex but don’t rule them out either!) and the expectations (communication, transparency and trust are paramount). More Than Two is entirely without judgment and peppered with a good dose of humor. In it the authors share not only their hard-won philosophies about polyamory, but also their hurts and embarrassments. Living poly is not always an easy road, and they hope that by reading this book, you’ll avoid some of the mistakes they’ve made along the way.

Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners by Deborah Anapol Unlike other books on this topic, Polyamory in the 21st Century weaves together research and facts to provide an informed and impartial analysis of polyamory as a lifestyle and as a movement, and to place it in a psychosocial as well as an historical context. Anecdotes and personal experiences allow the reader to develop a better understanding of polyamory and the people who practice and enjoy it. Anapol addresses the practical, the utopian, and the shadow sides of this intriguing, mysterious, yet often threatening lifestyle. It honestly addresses difficult issues such as the nature of commitment without exclusivity, balancing personal needs with loyalty to a partner, evaluating beliefs about love and relationship, the impact of polyamory on children, and the challenges that arise when one partner wants monogamy and another prefers polyamory. Without judgement, she explores this increasingly common practice, and reveals the true nature of a lifestyle that many do not understand.

The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola A counselor and nurse specializing in polyamorous singles, couples and groupings, Kathy Labriola has spent many years helping people to understand and manage their jealousy. This book is a compendium of the techniques and exercises she has developed, as well as tips and insights from the polyamory community’s top educators, therapists and authors. These accessible, simple techniques are designed to be easily implemented in the event of an intense jealousy crisis. They are even more useful if undertaken over a period of time before a jealousy crisis happens, to build a skill set that will be at hand to help managing jealousy when and if it does occur.

Also, to find more books about polyamorous relationships, you can click here and check out Polyamory in the News blog’s book section which includes articles about books and reviews as well.

Websites

Polyamory in the News This website covers anything polyamorous that is in the media, including Internet articles, books, television series, and conferences.

The Polyamorous Misanthrope This website is run by The Goddess of Java and is dedicated to the idea that you can be polyamorous, make good choices for your life and not let being poly mean you’re cutting a swath of chaos and destruction into the world around you.

Loving More Loving More® is a national 501c3 nonprofit organization, educational website, online community and magazine dedicated to support and education of polyamory and polyamorous issues. Loving More has been supporting the polyamorous community both nationally and internationally for more than twenty six years and a charitable nonprofit since 2006.

More Than Two More Than Two is the home of Franklin Veaux’s pages about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy.

PolyInfo There are many wonderful sites on the web for information about polyamory. This page is meant as a short list of some of the best of them. This site is a “front door” for people just finding out about polyamory, and want to know where to start, or for those who are involved with someone who is polyamorous.

Loving Without Boundaries This is a personal blog by Kitty Chambliss and her experiences with being involved in polyamorous relationships.

Opening Up OpeningUp.net is a website for people interested in open relationships of all kinds, including monogamy with benefits, nonmonogamy, partnered nonmonogamy, swigning, polyamory, polyfidelity, solo polyamory, mixed orientation marriages, and other relationships styles beyond monogamy. It features a blog, an extensive resource guide, message boards, and the Open List, a list of professionals (therapists, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, consultants, relationship and life coaches, doctors, lawyers, etc.) who are experienced and knowledgeable about alternative sexuality, lifestyles, and relationships. The site is also an online “home base” for the book Opening Up and its author, Tristan Taormino.

Social Media Sites

Reddit Poly While some people may not be fans of Reddit, and while there can be some huge idiots on the site, there are also a lot of people who genuinely do want to help others. I haven’t looked through all the threads, but there are a lot of great topics going on.

Polyamorous Passions A 100% FREE polyamorous dating & social networking community site specifically for polyamorous singles, and poly-curious singles.

Poly Match Maker PolyMatchMaker.com (PMM) is about finding others who believe in ethical non-monogamy, open relationships, open sexuality, equality, freedom, choice, love, sexuality, sincerity, hope, trust, happiness, and especially Polyamory.

Polyamory Social Network PolyamoryNetwork.com is a private social network dedicated to polyamory for members only (Completely Free).

It’s a place where you can share thoughts, opinions and experiences related to everything polyamory.

Beyond Two The 100% free Polyamorous dating and Polyamory dating and social network community site. What is the definition of Polyamory? Find research, reviews, information and articles on polyamory. For more information on different types and varieties of polyamory, read through our glossarypage. Our purpose is to bring all types of families worldwide together in one place as a community. Whether you are poly dating or just looking to make polyamorous friends we welcome you.

I hope people who are interested in exploring polyamorous relationships find this list of resources helpful and I would love to hear about any resources that I may have missed or don’t know about.

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Published on January 05, 2016 07:00

January 4, 2016

Coping with Release: The End of the Relationship

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 7/25/15

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Relationships end. Sometimes through the willful choice of both partners, other times one may ask for or be released. In either case the ending of a relationship is painful. In my opinion many D/s relationships tend to function in a deeper response zone in the psyche. I have been send numerable letters recently asking me about coping in the aftermath, both from Dominant’s and from submissives. What kind of aftercare should exist? What obligations continue even after the relationship has ended?

Many people seem to believe that the Dominant side of the relationship ‘feels’ less than the submissive side. I believe the investment in time, energy, emotion is at least equal. Being Dominant does not exclude one from all of the emotional states and reactions found in anyone else. In addition, the Dominant tends to invest portions of their ego or view of self in the ownership and control of their submissive. A sudden release (especially if it originates from the submissive) can thrust the Dominant into feelings of self doubt, (did they fail to meet their submissives needs?), embarrassment, (how will their reputation fare over this failure?), guilt, (did something I do cause this?). All of these coupled to the normal feelings that accompany a loss.

A submissive being dismissed faces equally devastating feelings. Many tend to focus blame upon themselves when in fact the ending of the relationship may not have anything to do with anything they can control. They may feel discarded, used, reduced, and even toyed with. Coping with these feelings which may also include personal betrayal can be very hard. A submissive can invest everything in their belief in their Dominant. That investment may be poorly placed in some cases. Coping with all these feelings can seem insurmountable. In addition some Dominant’s choose to take away all independence from their submissives, including credit, checking accounts, income, etc. A sudden release can leave such a submissive destitute (sometimes with children). It is my sincere suggestion that a submissive should consider a Dominant who plans for that submissives future to be one worthy of consideration. That Dominant cannot control the possibility of their own sudden death and should promote within their submissive (whom they cherish) a continuity of stability. This means independent credit, funds, income, insurance, medical etc. Those that do not can be subjugating that submissive and children to a homeless state should something happen. A Dominant should not fear the loss of control of their submissive through these actions. It is a method of inspiring respect. Not the opposite.

The severance of a relationship is a loss. In many people they experience it much like a death. Into a relationship they may invest their hopes, dreams, desires, expectations, and plans for the future. They probably have invested time, money and effort as well. Many have made great changes to be ‘with’ this person and at that point it may appear to them to have been a waste. In addition, in some ways the D/s realm contains an inordinate amount of hope. I sometimes call this ‘the promise’. When we are young we create an image of ‘the one’. That special person with whom we will find pleasure, laughter, and a shoulder to cry on. With a relationship we invest into ‘the promise’. When that ‘promise’ breaks, we feel cast away or discarded. These emotions and feelings flow to both sides of a relationship. It is my view that D/s requires both people to invest more, trust, respect, accountability and responsibility.

It is impossible to offer a wide range of ‘absolutes’ when considering how best to cope with such events. The variables among us are too great for one thing to work for everyone. However, I do believe that the person initiating the breakup should or perhaps must sit down and communicate to their partner in non-inflamatory words why or how they have reached this point. It is my believe that understanding, even when it is painful, aids in healing. It is better to know than to guess. In addition I think it is important for both people to attempt to maintain a modicum of personal dignity, respect and care for their ex-partner. It is not necessary for there to be hurtful words, denigration or disrespect. This is someone you once loved or thought you loved. They may become a lifelong friend or they may move off into different paths. Closure in an adult fashion is the least hurtful to both.

Expect to feel anger, hurt, pain, depression and sorrow in the aftermath. Expect healing to take a long time. It is important to have friends outside of your former mate to talk to and express your feelings with. If your depression is very deep then you should access a competent psyche professional for therapy and help. Consider it similar to mourning a death. It will take time and effort to recover.

If you are a submissive who has asked for release. Even if this is your decision you will feel all the same emotions of loss and anguish. You may know your reasons and have considered everything thoroughly but you will still face emptiness and a hollow feeling of abandonment. As I have noted elsewhere, a submissive and a Dominant ‘bond’ to each other in ways beyond love or even a vanilla marriage. This bond may or may not end even when you make the ‘mental’ decisions to leave. You may still experience the same needs and desires. You may find yourself vacillating even though you know that the relationship is not forward moving for you or positive. A Dominant can feel these same connectors. In addition many will feel a continued obligation to ‘protect’ submissives long after that submissive has moved away into other relationships. The linkage may never truly end and that is something that both sides need to be cognizant of especially if their relationship moves into one of friendship. It can be easy to slip back into familiar roles later on when other traumas occur in their lives and they look to those they care about to help them through it.

Maintaining access to old relationships is a dual consideration. It can be harmful if that access in any way disrupts or is destructive to your current relationship. It can be positive if the people involved are able to reorient their language and behavior so that it becomes neutral.

Perhaps the hardest relationships to cope with are those that are based on flawed understanding. People tend to hear what they want to hear and ignore what they do not want to hear. They can build up a new relationship into something huge when it has not earned the right to be considered that way. For some this may be meeting someone once or twice then nothing. Contact ends or responses become short and unemotional. At that point the person will feel that they have been used. It becomes obvious to them that ‘their’ perception of the nature of the relationship was very different than the person they have invested in. This creates huge feelings of self-doubt in their personal judgment. These types of things cannot be completely avoided as we are not telepathic nor can we always discern the lies from the truth. However, whenever possible both people should proceed slowly. There is no rush to play. If a person is real, time is the friend. If they are into ‘getting their needs met’, there will be intense pressure to play quickly. So, avoid that pressure. If that pressure is coming from you, examine to see if you are being honest with your partner. If you are being pressured ‘to play right away’, step back and see if that meets your ideas or goals. If you are into short term casual play state it honestly. There is no shame in wanting what you want. There is shame in lying to get what you want at the expense of other peoples feelings.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

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Published on January 04, 2016 07:00

December 23, 2015

Submissive Guide Takes a Holiday

From everyone here at Submissive Guide, including myself, my contributor team, KnyghtMare, my Master and the guy behind the site and server I want to wish you a very happy holidays.

With every holiday, the site takes a break and I wanted to let you know that while we spend time with friends and family, Submissive Guide will be on holiday as well. We’ll return after the New Year with more tips, advice and help for novice and seasoned submissives. And while I’m not a religious person, this Christmas Carol has always been a favorite of mine this time of year.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

–lunaKM

May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You

May the good Lord bless an’ keep you,

Whether near or far away.

May you find that long awaited,

Golden day today . . .

May your troubles all be small ones,

And your fortune ten times ten,

May the good lord bless and keep you,

‘Til we meet again . . .

May you walk with the sunlight shining,

An’ a blue bird in every tree.

May there be silver lining,

Back of every cloud you see . . .

Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrows,

Never mind what might have been.

May the good Lord bless an’ keep you,

‘Till we meet again . . .

May the good Lord bless an’ keep you,

“Till we meet again . . .

Words by Meredith Willson
Related Posts:
3 Easy Steps to Setting the Mood – Make Your Playtime More Orgasmic, Full of Energy and Fun
Submissive Advent – Day 24: Spirit of Submission
Submissive Advent – Day 23: Twinkling Stars and Lights
Submissive Advent – Day 22: Here We Come a Caroling
Submissive Advent – Day 20: Christmas Cookies

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Published on December 23, 2015 10:00

December 22, 2015

Explain It To Me: The Draw of Being Spanked

Despite being commonplace in kinky relationships, explaining the appeal of being spanked to someone who is new to the scene or curious about it can be difficult. There is often the immediate assumption that being spanked is enjoyable because the sub is masochistic, and while not entirely untrue, I can’t in good conscience say that is the sole draw to being bent over and given a good smack. In fact, I wouldn’t even say that the moment of impact itself is particularly pleasurable once passed a relatively low level of force.

For me, the draw lays less in the pain as pleasure principle simply because the sum of the rest of my desires is substantially greater than my relatively low level of masochism. Among these is the natural give and take of a D/a relationship, a release of control, and in as many cases, the permission that I often feel I lack to express strong emotions.

Outside of my relationship, I maintain a tight control of my environment. I hate feeling disorganized, not knowing where I’m going, not being on time. I hate due dates hanging over my head, and get flustered and anxious when I can’t accomplish something right away. I have a difficult time focusing on things when I have tasks to do that I’ve deemed important—even when those tasks move out of my hands and into the hands of others. It’s incredibly hard for me to focus on a single thing at a time. I have to feel productive, to know that I accomplished something at the end of the day. I don’t know if there are other subs who feel the same way, but especially in times of stress, these traits manifest as one colossal, nervous, character flaw.

So what does my personality have to do with my desire to be spanked?

One of the greatest appeals to being spanked is that the pain shuts down the rest of my brain and forces me to focus on the moment I’m in. I am pulled out of the environment where I can control everything and am placed in an environment where I don’t have the option. I can’t just get up and walk away in the middle of a session. I can’t multitask. I’m there, committed. And the pain is a sensational clue that tells my brain the most important thing I could be doing is to pay attention to that specific moment in time, because, damn it, that hurts!

In addition to keeping me focused, a spanking session can settle me into a state of mind where it’s okay for me to purge any emotional baggage that I might be carrying. Stress, anger, sadness—I wouldn’t say that I repress what I feel, but a lot of my negative emotions take a back seat to getting things done. Being a responsible adult doesn’t leave a lot of time for being frustrated, impatient, angry, disappointed, or really much of anything except a faithful trundling onwards in the hopes that things will get a little better the next time you look at them. Even short bursts of immediate expression don’t necessarily make me feel better about a situation, and negative emotions tend to leave a residue that builds up over time. Being forced to focus on a single thing and being hurt besides gives me not only the excuse I sometimes need to cry or scream, or to give the rest of my mind a rest, but it also acts as a sort of forceful purging. To mix metaphors: the residue gets pressure-washed away, and I get a bit of a reboot.

And the first thing I usually get to come back to is being cuddled. I get to be held, and petted, and taken care of while I’m vulnerable.

I will grant that there is a traditional sort of masochistic pleasure to being spanked as well, but it’s certainly not in the way that most people would expect. If your experience with spanking is confined to fantasy, the pain can be fairly surprising. I have very distinct memories of the first few times my Dom laid into me where I thought, “What the hell am I letting be done to me? This is fucking painful!” And if I’m entirely honest I fully expect to think the same thing many times in the future—especially when my Dom doesn’t deem a warm up necessary. But enjoying being on the receiving end of being spanked isn’t about your brain magically transforming the moment of impact into a pleasurable experience rather than pain. It’s about the way your body responds after the fact. The rush of endorphins, blood vessels expanding, the peripheral and unnecessary becoming cloudy or fading into darkness all together as you focus on not just the sharp, stinging impact, but on the residual sensations between each painful moment.

Luna has a great eBook and article series called “Processing Pain in Play” which goes into more detail regarding that aspect, and I strongly suggest that you check it out if you want more information on that front. The appeal for me on that level is fairly small in comparison to the other effects that it has on me.

There are, of course, many other reasons that one can be drawn to the act of spanking; the appeal will vary from person to person. If you enjoy being spanked, why? Think about it and post below for the curious reader.

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Published on December 22, 2015 07:00

December 21, 2015

Transitioning From Monogamy to Ethical Non-Monogamy

This is written as a bode of encouragement to those who are struggling in moving from a monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous one. This is not my saying non-monogamy is the only way, or should be your way. This is not in any way to be read as implying negativity towards monogamy. This is also written about in terms of “marriage,” because, well, I am married and this is reflective of my transitioning my marriage. Feel free to substitute “relationship” or “dynamic” or whatever suits you.

Transitioning from a monogamous marriage to an ethically non-monogamous marriage is a lot like transitioning to a new career field after being raised up to desire, studying towards, and then working for x number of years in some other field.

Let’s say from the technology field (monogamy) to culinary field (non-monogamy).

So you were raised up in a family of technological geniuses, IT analysts, software architects, the works. Your parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles- every adult you loved woke up and went to sit behind a computer desk for work. From an early age they regaled you with tales of how great it will be when you get to learn new technology for work too. They don’t know exactly what you will do, but the only option for it is technology. Technology, technology, technology. You begin planning for that field, picturing where you’ll work, the apps you’ll design, how you’ll speak, the unique vernacular you’ll use. You play as a child by building computers and live with your face behind a screen.

You are modeling the behavior and beliefs of those around you.

Once coming of age, you begin to get serious about the technology field. You pick the best schools, the best majors; work your ass off to make everybody around you happy and proud of you doing what you are supposed to be doing.

Once in a while, your mind drifts off to an absurd direction. You think of cupcakes. You love cupcakes, they fill you up and make you smile, and in fact, you like to make cupcakes in secret in your spare time. And part of you is aware that there are indeed people called “bakers” who spend their whole days making glorious cupcakes but alas. Technology. Technology. Technology. Be realistic. Do what we have been told to do, have been training to do, for our entire lifetimes. Back to the grindstone. Back to the technological field.

So finally, you pin down one specific job in the technology field and you commit to it wholeheartedly (monogamous marriage). That is your life, your destiny. You become entwined with it; you are that job and that job is you. You eat, breathe, and sleep that one decision. Many times it feels great, and comfortable, and happy. Sometimes it is a lot of hard work, and compromise, and exhaustion. And sometimes, lying in bed after another hard day in the field…. cupcakes cross your mind.

Cupcakes??? No no no. Make it go away. Technology. That is what I love. That is where I am comfortable. No.

Eventually, after years and years and years of living the same job that you have worked every day in and out, your desire becomes too much.

You start dreaming about switching to being a baker. You wonder if maybe you can still be you, exactly who you were before, only change over to the culinary field.

GASP. What, are you crazy? Because technology is the only successful way you have seen. How can anybody make it as a baker?

Hmmm. Well, maybe you could read a book about baking. Interesting stuff. Maybe you could talk to a baker about their experience in the culinary field. Wait, you’re happy and fulfilled in this field too? People can be successful as bakers as well?

Hmmm.

Now the transition from tech (monogamy) to culinary (non-monogamy) starts when you enroll in culinary school in the evenings and are actually beginning to learn and apply what you have been reading and learning independently.

And wow. This shit is hard. So hard. So fucking everliving hard. After decades growing happy and comfortable with one way, and not just one way but one way being the only way, you feel lost at culinary school.

There are other students who learned these skills from an early age. There are people in class who make their cupcakes look effortless. And part of you wants to run away from the building and go back to your old field. Go back to where you were an expert, where you knew the lingo, where it was comfortable, and for the most part happy.

But… cupcakes.

The test comes when you are assigned to make that first batch of from-scratch cupcakes all on your own. (A new relationship of yours or your partners.) No recipe, no instructions.

And you fail. The cake never rises; the frosting breaks up into an oily mess. You stare in shock. You were so good at what you used to do. The taste of doubt and regret tastes like not properly integrated powdered sugar.

This is a branching in the path. Do you drop out of night school? Do you say, “No more?” Do you try and go back to your old job, head hung in defeat, and murmur, “Technology. Technology. Technology.”

Or do you wash up your hands, dump that shit in the trash, and start those cupcakes again? Can you allow the failure to fuel you, to make you want another go, to convince yourself that you can do it, you will do it, and gosh darn it, being a baker is worth it?

If you can, if you do, the most amazing thing happens.

Over time, cupcakes move from being stressful to a challenge to actual fun. You get excited to go to work every day. You learn the lingo; avoid the pitfalls. Yes, once you will mistake salt for sugar. But only once. Cause you learn and you’re dedicated to excelling, and this was your choice, and you are going to make it worth the struggle. You become really good at it. And for the first time in your life you feel fulfilled and right and instead of dreaming about cupcakes, you are….living…cupcakes. One day, you may even be so good at it, others will come to you for advice on baking cupcakes.

You have struggled, and cried, and pushed, and exalted your way into being exactly, perfectly, happily, you.

You have broken the mold.

You are a baker.

chart by flint (https://www.flickr.com/photos/xmasons/) CC BY 2.0

Learning to be happily ethically non-monogamous after a lifetime of being raised up in a monogamous would can be so trying but it is possible. Just like monogamous relationships there will be bumps in the road. You will doubt your choices. You will doubt your partners, or your partners patrners. But in all, the more you do it, the easier it will get. At the end of the day, more love is more love. Good luck on your path to a new way of being.

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Published on December 21, 2015 07:00

December 20, 2015

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Yesterday I celebrated Christmas with my mom. It was a quiet affair, but sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that it’s not the hustle and bustle or material things that make the season special – it’s time with family and friends that you love. She gave me some lovely things that I know I’m going to enjoy, we played some board games and it was a wonderful day.

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one one one time with me!Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Winter Blues – Submissive Meditation Monday
When A Desire Becomes a Need
When You’re Only A Little Horny

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Overcoming the Fear of Being Triggered to Open a Dialogue

In a nutshell, my question is, how do I know if my masochistic tendencies come from a safe place? My Domand I have both struggled with mental illness , and as such he has never felt comfortable with anything rougher than biting or hair pulling. However, we have never really talked about it. I would like to open up a dialogue about this, but I fear- as, i have a feeling, does he- that it might trigger me. I also fear that it could trigger him. But I don’t want to leave a stone unturned that could potentially lead to a great experience for both of us. What do you think?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Weekly discussions hosted by MRs. Darling.

Personal Protocol

Came across this great article on creating a personal protocol and wanted to start a discussion.

What is your personal favorite protocol of either yours or one you’ve heard/read about? What is it that makes it your favorite? What seems inherently submissive about that act?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Communicating While Submissive by Xiao Yingtai
In 2013: BDSM When the Walls Have Ears – 5 Strategies for D/s Play with Kids Around by erika mclean
In 2012: Submissive Advent – Day 20: Christmas Cookies
In 2011: A Day in the Life: Pam
In 2010: Learning to Submit Completely

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

“Distance means nothing when someone means everything.” — Unknown
What homemaking skills do you have? Can you knit, crochet, sew, mend, quilt…?
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. “What I Talk About When I Talk About Running” by Haruki Murakami
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The People of Kink

TPOK Minicast 42 – Sadist vs. Reaction Junkie

16 Dec 2015, 6:00am GMT

→ The People of Kink

Eva Morgan and I sit down and talk about the differences between being a sadist and a reaction junkie. Sometimes people think they have to be a sadist or even a masochist when playing but that’s just not true. Whether you love the reactions you get or you are turned on by giving or receiving pain it doesn’t matter. Be true to yourself.

MP3 audio (23MB, 16min)

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Published on December 20, 2015 10:00

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