Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 35

January 22, 2016

Become a Patron: How Your Pledge Can Bring Big Change to Submissive Guide

If you’ve read Submissive Guide for any length of time you’ll know that the information is a valuable resource for you and for all submissives. The site has been actively producing content for over 6 years. For the most part, I’ve foot the bills out of a personal desire to see the site become what it has. But the time has come for it to evolve and grow. I have so many plans that are sitting on the back burner just waiting for the way I can pay for the work to be done.

What sort of things?

An online Learning Center which is an upgraded and expanded ecourse area where you’ll get valuable information to help you learn and grow.
Webinars, monthly chats about topics related to submission and BDSM. Consider them like online munches.
Improved and more frequent videos, ebooks and freebies.
So much more!

But I can’t do any of them without you. That is why I’m writing to you today.

Last year I started a Patreon account. It’s a form of crowd-sourcing, where you can help support your favorite people and sites. I’ve been mostly relying on passive discovery of the page to gain some fans. No longer. It’s time to tell you about a way you can help Submissive Guide, for as little as $1 US a month!

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a way to pay your favorite creators, like Submissive Guide, for making the stuff you love. Instead of literally throwing money at your screen (trust me, that doesn’t work), you can now pledge a few bucks per month for a creator’s efforts. This means the creator gets paid regularly (every month), and you become a bonafide, real-life patron of the arts. That’s right. Imagine you, in a long frilly white wig, painted on a 10-foot canvas on the wall of a Victorian mansion. And imagine your favorite creators making a living doing what they do best… because of you.

Why You Should Pledge

You shouldn’t feel obligated to pledge to the site, but if Submissive Guide has been a valuable resource for you at any time in your personal journey, please consider pledging your pocket change to make huge changes possible.

Rewards and Perks for Your Support

Access to my Patreon-only Activity Feed.

$3

Everyone at this level will get a 25% discount code for Submissive Guide ebooks. Monthly discount code will be posted on Submissive Guide’s Patreon Activity Page after the payments go through each month (around the 4th) and will be valid for 30 days. You can use it any time during the month, as many times as you want. Plus, all the rewards above.
$5

I will be posting monthly special content links to private posts and free downloadables for my patrons at this level and above. Also, you’ll get a bonus entry into any giveaways or contests hosted on Submissive Guide! Plus, all the rewards above.

$10

I’ll post your name and a personal link of your choosing in a ‘Thank You’ credits box in the bi-monthly Submissive Guide Newsletter. You’ll also join the ranks in the Sponsors section on the site. Plus, all the rewards above.

$15

Everyone at this level will get priority for advice requests on the Ask Anything posts above other submissions. You must send your question in via Patreon or indicate the email address you use for Patreon in the Ask Anything form on the site.

Also, I will add your username as a D/s relationship status on FetLife of “mentoring (you)”. You must contact me with your FL username for this to take place. Messages on FetLife from people marked as “mentoring” will be responded to within 24 hours. Plus all the rewards above.

$20

Patrons at this level will get to add me on Skype. I will chit-chat and work with you on submission-based topics. You will continue to be able to chat with me as long as you respect my personal time when I ask for it. Plus all the rewards above.

$25

Patrons at this level will get a video post on a BDSM or D/s topic of their choosing. I’ll personally thank them in the video post and direct the information in the topic to their needs. Plus, all the rewards above.

I really do need your help to make the future of Submissive Guide simply amazing. Help me get there. Support me on Patreon today.

–lunaKM

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 22, 2016 07:00

January 21, 2016

Busyness, Why Do We Think It Adds Value?

Image courtesy of jesadaphorn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This isn’t one of my usual posts that have some sort of resolution in the conclusion because this is something I’m working through and this post is created at least in part as a portion of the out-working. With this in mind, I’m looking forward to your feedback in the comments!

This is something that’s been on my mind for quite some time, why is it that we as slaves in particular believe that the busier we are the more valuable we are? Even I’m guilty of thinking this way and it didn’t dawn on me just how rooted this belief is until I was listening to another slave talk about all she was responsible for over a weekend event. As I was listening to her, I was wondering when she would have time to simply enjoy the event. However, in a split second, I realized I pile stuff on my plate during events also!

In the past several years of attending conferences, I offer my service as a volunteer or end up helping in some way. I make sure my ‘dance card’ is filled with duties, which of course is not the same as going to an event and simply enjoying the time spent in fellowship. Instead, I serve as a facilitator of enjoyment, essentially this is what my busyness at most events boils down to. In and of itself, there’s nothing wrong with this at all – facilitating enjoyment is a very good thing. However, I think believing that the busier I am in accomplishing this will increase my property value (pun intended) is the problem.

I’ve come to see that oftentimes we slaves measure our value as slaves according to the accomplishments of other slaves and attempt to match the productivity level of other slaves that we look up to. While this isn’t true of all slaves, it’s true for a great many slaves, especially those that are new to their slave walk. I remember when I had finally accepted the fact that I’m a slave. What I saw in the slaves that I admired was that it seemed like they were doing all kinds of things - daily! And me on the other hand, I wasn’t. There were times I didn’t feel like cleaning up, times I wished that I could clean up once and it would just remain clean forever. There were times when I didn’t even feel like I was accomplishing anything at all; I would go to work, come home, eat, tidy up, make groceries, cook something, wash rinse repeat… a monotonous cycle, yet necessary of course. When I looked at other slaves, it always looked like they were doing so much more, and not only were they doing so much more, they were taking great delight in all they were doing. Work, school, children, cleaning, cooking, baking, and candle stick making… I would get worn out just reading or hearing another slave’s to-do list! And the Masters – they were always so very proud of their busy slave(s). Naturally, that’s how I wanted my eventual Master to feel about me. So, I got busy too!

It would take some years before I realized that not all busy is good busy or even productive. There have been many times that I was busy for the sake of keeping busy. Isn’t that still like wasting time and energy? Really, is a slave less valuable for having some leisure time? It would also take years before I realized that the slaves I admired back then (and even now) are really doing some of the same basic things that I’m doing day in and day out – we’re not going balls to the wall on everything every single day.

I think that when we believe that our value is found in all the things we do, when there’s nothing or not much to do we end up feeling worthless on some level. Strange but true… just ask the slave who’s laid up due to medical reasons.

What of you, what do you think?

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Published on January 21, 2016 07:00

January 20, 2016

Ask Submissive Guide – Needing permission to go out with family

Thank you Kayla Lords for answering this question!

I am not sure if this topic has been covered before, but I couldn’t find much info on it. I was hoping you could share some advice on balancing a d/s relationship and family.

To be more specific, I’d like to know how to handle instances such as a family member wanting to do something with you, yet your dominant does not want you to go. Permission to go out is part of our d/s relationship. Nevertheless, my family is equally important to me, and I want to make them happy too.

Sincerely,
Want To Go Out

Hey there, Want to Go Out!

The pull between D/sand family isn’t always easy, especially when they don’t know about your dynamic or rules. You want to make your Dominant and your family happy, and it isn’t always possible to do both.

The first thing I recommend in any situation between a Dominant and submissive is to tell you to talk to your Dominant about how you feel. Does he object to the people in your family or to the places you want to go? While arbitrarily being told “No” can be a little kinky and sometimes a lot of fun, not letting you see your family for no reason is a red flag and a sign of abuse.

First, find out why your Dominant is telling you no. If you’re being given a reason that’s about your health and well-being – maybe that specific family member isn’t good for you, mentally or emotionally, or they want to take you somewhere your Dominant doesn’t approve of – now it’s time to discuss other options.

If your Dominant objects to the person, talk about what would make it acceptable for you to see them. Maybe it needs to be a group outing with people he trusts.

If it’s the place he doesn’t like, ask what alternatives would be acceptable. Suggest those to your family instead when they invite you places you know you can’t go.

Remember, if you’re being told you can’t see your family just to please your Dominant, those are signs of abuse. I sincerely hope that’s not the case for you.

When you’re told no for a reason you can accept, now you have to find a way to let your family know. Suggesting another place to go – if where they’re suggesting is the issue – is always an option. You can always say something simple like, “I’d love to, but I can’t tonight” or “I’ve got plans that day.” You don’t have to go into an in-depth conversation or give a lot of reasons why you can’t go somewhere. And yes, I know, family will nag and beg to know why. If you’re not comfortable telling them why, a simple but polite “No” is okay.

Because you didn’t indicate in your question, I don’t know if your family asks you to go out so often that your Dominant feels you don’t have time for your relationship or your other responsibilities. If that’s the reason, discuss a compromise – a set number of times, or a specific day when you can go out.

But first, before you can figure out how to handle the situation, you need to have the conversation. Let your Dominant know how important your family is to you. Find out why you may not receive permission to go out – specific person, specific place, too much time out and not enough time at home – whatever it may be. Once you know the reasons (and hopefully none start with “Because I said so”), you can have the discussion about finding a middle ground that makes you both happy.

You’ve given your Dominant control over being able to go out for a reason but that doesn’t mean you can’t discuss issues as they come up. Just remember to be respectful and let your Dominant know how important it is that you see your family.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on January 20, 2016 07:00

January 19, 2016

Power Exchange While in Recovery

As the holiday is upon us once more, I wanted to share some common feels with others who struggle with recovery. Recovery from anything: drink, drugs, eating disorders, self-harm, etc. If you are or are with somebody who considers themselves “in recovery,” this is for you. Now I only have the perspective of (using Male/female D/s for ease moving forward, but any shuffle of PE relationships fits) a Dominant taking on a submissive that is in recovery and some helpful hints in managing that submissive.

The holiday season is hard. So hard sometimes. It’s a time of fattening food in abundance, constant holiday parties with alcohol flowing, stress about money, stress about family, and for us s-types, stress about serving on top of so many additional obligations. It’s tempting for those of us in recovery to have setbacks or full on relapses.

I want to share what has worked for us, in our dynamic, in hopes that this can be in some way helpful to others out there dealing with a similar situation.

As always, but particularly in this serious of a conversation, this is only what has worked for us, and take that for what it is worth. This should open a dialogue. Please, talk to each other and the other people involved in the recovery plan (including doctors and therapists) for specific personal do’s and don’ts.

I did some research on paths of recovery other than my own, and it seems like there are some common threads.

The submissive needs a support person in her recovery. This support person can be the Dominant, or it can be somebody else. If the Dominant is going to be that support person, be aware they are obligating themselves to a pretty important role in that person’s life, maybe even more so than the role of Dominant. Recovery is a lifetime thing. If you are not in a lifetime D/s relationship, consider having a third person support party so if the D/s dynamic ends, the submissive is not left dealing with the stress of a break up on top of losing her primary support person. If there is an outside support person, I’d suggest having the Dominant and support person have a decent relationship, and be able to communicate about the submissive so everybody is on the same page and in support of keeping the person in recovery.
If you are in a lifetime D/s and romantic relationship and as a Dominant decide to also be their primary support person, well, be prepared for the pressure that is all of that. It is a heavy cross to bear.
Consider requiring healthy physical care as a must-do for submission. Create a reward and punishment system that encourages taking good care of the body and punishes anything detrimental to the body. Across the board, staying in “recovery” puts emphasis on: eating a nutritious diet, taking a multivitamin, drinking lots of water, plenty of fresh air and sunshine, a good solid exercise program, and quality sleep. Create something for the person in recovery to work towards: exercise a half hour a day five times a week and you’ll get a new corset for them in a month. Eat three balanced meals and a solid amount of water and at the end of the day they earn an orgasm. Whatever works for them to stay motivated to be healthy physically.
Also, it is highly important for somebody in recovery to have medical help available to her. Her doctors should know about the recovery path, and as a Dominant, encourage them to see their doctor regularly (whether it is medical or mental health doctors, or both) and consider attending appointments with them once the relationship is comfortable enough to do so.
If you don’t want them to slip, have them stay out of slippery places. We all know that PE dynamics are based in honest communication. With the person in recovery, this couldn’t be more important. Find out what their potential triggers for relapse are, and help them avoid the situations at all costs. If you are managing a submissive recovering from alcoholism, don’t bring them to meet friends at a bar. If they are triggered by disappointing the people important to them and that is what leads them to cutting, you may need to adjust how you dominate that person and rule with a velvet glove instead of iron fist. Everybody has triggers. Talk about them. Learn them. Help avoid them.
That also heads into the idea of lead by example. It is probably not wise to create a power exchange dynamic with a recovering drug addict if you are in full support of the “420 lifestyle”. If you are a binge eater yourself, second guess taking on a recovering bulimic as a submissive. One of the most helpful things to a person in recovery is having a great example of what “normal” or “healthy” looks like. And I don’t know if y’all know this or not, but us s-types really look up to our D-types. We are trusting enough to hand over our control to you. So we need to trust that you will be a positive light in our recovery path.
Become educated on the path of recovery specific to the person. You don’t need to read every peer-reviewed study on the specific type of disease/disorder/illness you are working with here. But, it would be advantageous to know the basic ins and outs of the general recovery process and discuss how it applies to your specific submissive. Do a bit of internet search. Do it with the submissive. Ask them to point out relevant information, what applies to them, triggers to watch for, the feelings they associate with the most. By talking about it, by bringing it out of the darkness and into the light, you are helping to eliminate feelings of guilt or shame that are often associated with recovery. There is a stigma that exists associated with recovery; as a Dominant, eradicate that.
Reducing and managing stress seems to be another common thread on the path to recovery. For a submissive, this is often about properly managing control. A submissive gives up control with the trust and confidence that we are giving it to somebody who can manage it. There is a slippery slope that exists here because a loss of control can be a big trigger for relapse in many paths to recovery. So if and when we give up the control to a Dominant and we get a taste of the freedom that can exist in power exchange, please know: you must take control and properly use it. An example. If Suzie (S) is submitting to Danny (D) and has agreed that each night she would call in and check in with him no later than 9 PM, her control exists only in her ability to call by 9. Now, if S genuinely forgets to call Wednesday night, and the next day D shrugs it off as “oh well, it was one night, no biggie,” the pillar of control has begun to crumble. Always do what you say you will do when managing somebody in recovery. Always. To not could make the loss of control unbearable, and the potential for relapse could increase.
Help the person in recovery find tools for managing stress. Things like journaling, meditation, and time in nature are all suggestions for reducing stressful days. And if something life changing happens, like a job loss, a death, etc, know that this is a time to step up and help reduce stress in any way possible, even if you aren’t their primary support partner. Even just relieving them of duties for a day or giving them extra attention can help reduce their struggle. Talk to them to see how you can be of best help.
Know about relapse. First, there are no hard numbers on the amount of people who relapse before full recovery (and is there ever such a thing?) but most say there is more of a likelihood to relapse than to not. Most people struggling from depression experience an average of five bouts of depression over a lifetime. It’s just possible. As a Dominant, don’t base the dynamic on the condition of never relapsing. This is a very damaging concept. To say, “relapse even one time and you lose your collar” creates a desire for perfectionism and a grave sense of fear for the person in recovery. Though it may seem like the ideal threat of punishment to keep somebody walking the line, it actually creates many of the signs of relapse and could backfire. Instead, consider a more laid back, “if you relapse, I will be here for you to help you through, but it would be disappointing because….”
Know some of the most common signs of relapse. Things like the submissive feeling a loss of control, having perfectionistic tendencies surface, isolating herself and engaging in secretive behaviors, lacking an outlet for stress, feelings of depression, changes in attitude or behavior, social breakdown such as not wanting to be around friends, family, or even their Dominant, not following their treatment plan, not seeing a benefit to staying involved with their doctors orders, unhealthy habits like poor eating and refusing to exercise can all be signs that relapse is potentially to come.
Relapse happens. This may be hard to swallow for some Dominants: this is not about you. Now is the time to get serious about supporting a person instead of them supporting you. In the case of full blown relapse, do so reading or get some advice on the concept of enabling, and unfortunately, you have to protect yourself first. Remember – it’s not your problem. Be a good example for them, encourage them to get the support the need, but don’t let them take you down with them.
Don’t let us lock ourselves away. These things thrive in the darkness. Practice full disclosure, open book honesty and communication. When the conversation gets hard, that is when you are on the right track.
Help us avoid other addictions. Those of us in recovery can oftentimes drop one bad habit in lieu of another. Pay close attention to your submissive and be sure that gambling/alcohol/(ahem)sex not become a replacement for whatever haunted us before.
Be patient and understanding. Power exchange is a hard road to walk, even for those not in recovery. The difficulty is exemplified when we decide to give up control, which is often how we recovered in the first place: by gaining control of our life back. It is a learning curve and we will make mistakes. Sometimes we have mood swings or struggle with normalcy. Seemingly easy tasks like going out to a munch with you, or eating a piece of chocolate during aftercare can take great effort on our part. Please be patient, and understand that this is part of who we are, probably of who we will always be.
Listen. This seems simple enough, but a person not in recovery cannot possible understand the mental workings of somebody in recovery. Our brains function differently. For months, years, sometimes decades, our mind was telling us something that wasn’t healthy, and we have the significant task of re-learning normal thinking. Don’t try and discount what we are telling you, because it is often the key to Dominating us properly.
Don’t take symptoms of recovery personally. Sometimes I need a break. Sometimes I steam over and yell. Sometimes I need to crawl in bed at 7 pm and sleep for twelve hours and sometimes I need to wake up at 2 am and write for five hours. Begin to see the driving factor. Is this a personal insult to you as the Dominant? Is your submissive willfully and purposefully being rude to you, or are they utilizing every coping mechanism they have to prevent them from going out and buying a pack of smokes and lighting up or calling up their dealer?
Boredom breeds bad behavior. Keep your submissive busy. Busy equals purpose. Busy equals being useful. Busy equals being important. Busy equals no time for things like relapse. Idle hands are the devils playground, and as a Dominant, I am confident you can find many ways to make your submissive of good use.
Help us love our body and mind. Love of ourself (not love of our partner or Dominant or even family) will keep us on the path of recovery. We have to love living more than not. Task part of our submission to continuously fall in love with who we are today, to celebrate with us each day we live freed of our struggle. To drink in the happiness that is high self-esteem. Positive words of encouragement can go far, and showing us how much you adore having our body serve you, dear worthy Dominant strong enough to manage a person like this, can mean the world to us.

And to the people who are reading this that are, like me, in recovery, I say to you:
”If you are reading this, you have survived your entire life up until this point. Good job. A life full of struggle, and pain, and trauma. Heartbreaks, devastation, confusion, sadness and loneliness. Good luck to you and keep fighting the good fight. I for one am glad you are here. You go, motherfucker. You’re awesome.”

Happy holiday season. Be well.

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Published on January 19, 2016 07:00

January 18, 2016

Enough to Make You Blush: SubGuide Book Club Begins Friday February 5th!

It’s long past due for another book club event!

I’m super duper excited to read (or re-read, in my case) Enough to Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation by Princess Kali!

If you would like to join in, you’re welcome to do so! More information about the book can be found here. Hopefully you’ll grab your copy and start reading with us, beginning February 5th. If you haven’t gotten a copy yet, there’s still time to read with us! And if you’ve already read the book, join us for the discussions. I’ll post a new discussion post each week on Friday. Feel free to drop in whenever and talk with fellow readers and share your thoughts and ask questions! Who knows, perhaps Princess Kali will make an appearance too!

Here’s the schedule of what we’re reading and when, but if you can’t stick to that, no problem, you can always catch up later.

Schedule:

Week 1: February 5-11th – Chapters 1-3

Week 2: February 12th-18th – Chapters 4-7

Week 3: February 19th-25th – Chapters 8-14

Week 4: February 26th-March 3rd – Chapters 15-End

Read the chapters and just comment when you finish. The plan is to be on schedule, but if you’re late, you don’t need to tell us, just come back and comment when you’re ready!

So, who is as excited as I am to be reading this book???

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Published on January 18, 2016 07:00

January 17, 2016

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

The weather here is so very cold that even with the heat on I’m curling under blankets to stay warm. I’ve started BulletJournaling to try and get a handle on my disorganized life and so far it feels good. I’ll know more how it will work for me, and if I can keep it up after a month or so. I’ve always used to-do lists to keep track of what I need to do, and now with rapidlogging I can put everything I think about, need to do and have to attend all in one place. And I can use pretty journals to do it in!

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a monthyou can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

5 Ways Rituals Enhance Your Relationship with Yourself and Your Dynamic
Getting My Home Together by andyiccee
What Would YOU Change To Make Submissive Guide Better?
DIY Your Valentine’s Day by tequilarose
How to Access Sub Space by Mistress Steel

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

none

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

The Subspace Discussion

I’d like to start a master discussion on a few common questions in the submissive community. This first one is a biggie: subspace. Let’s talk about it, all of it. I want everyone to participate! Here are a few jumping off points, feel free to answer them directly or add your own thoughts!

What is subspace?
How do you typically reach subspace? What does it feel like?
When should you communicate about how subspace affects you?
Can you orgasm while in subspace?
Is subspace better than orgasms?
How do you feel if you don’t reach subspace during play?
Why is Subspace something that is sought after by so many?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: Flogging: Getting Started by moonlight
In 2014: A Submissive’s New Year’s Resolutions: Goal Setting in a D/s or M/s Dynamic by pinksubgeek
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – “Becoming a Slave” book conflict and questions
In 2012: When Top Drop Rules Your Relationship by Christian
In 2011: Charmed Blyss’ Broccoli Soup

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Do you have a routine for any tasks?
Can one be partially owned?
What have you done today to honor your Dominant?
Does your Dominant give you a list/rota to do things around the house; for example dusting, washing up, hoovering, etc?

If so does it help you or do you like to do it without having to be reminded?

Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The Fearless Submissive

TFS- Episode 67

12 Jan 2016, 1:11am GMT

→ The Fearless Submissive

Musings from the Los Angeles GrUE V. Photo taken at the Pancake Breakfast.

MP3 audio (27MB, 29min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

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Published on January 17, 2016 10:00

January 15, 2016

How to Access Sub Space

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

For the purposes of this article I will assume that the submissive is ‘new’ to the lifestyle and that the Dominant directing them has limited or no experience with this aspect of BDSM.

With most submissives it is important for them to first ‘believe’ in the existence of sub-space and second to identify the sensations within themselves that are indicators of the existence of that space when they have entered it. There are a few submissives that can be triggered non-voluntarily into sub-space but this phenomenon is somewhat rare and is not the direct focus of this article.

Here is a link to my article titled ‘Defining Sub Space’ which will describe the stages or levels of achievable space for those unfamiliar with them.

Sub-Space is very similar to other trancelike conditions which are practiced worldwide under names such as prayer, meditation and hypnosis or regression. I include prayer for several important reasons, in many ways common prayer is a focusing of thought and energy on a single point, idea or ‘individual’ (divine presence). This activity is often accompanied by patterned behavior. Or, repetitious actions which the individual takes prior to and during the activity itself. Patterns in behavior quiet or appear to calm the brain allowing the mind to enter a ‘transcendent’ state. Consider how you feel when you do a repetitious task over and over again. A part of you develops a rhythm or cadence – you may find your mind relaxes to feel centered, filled, and or a part of something greater or beyond yourself. You may discover that you are humming a tune and often your ‘mood’ will appear to lighten or stress will reduce. It may allow you to feel more connected to the abundant life that surrounds you each day. Many people describe sensations ‘after’ prayer such as ‘seeing’ the vibrant colors of plants or the almost sensual aroma of bread from the bakery down the street. There appears to be a ‘clarifying’ aspect to the entirety of the exercise. Common prayer is something that most people are familiar with in some way or have personally engaged in. That calm space that your mind ‘reaches’ during prayer or meditation is space. I should also note here that for many people achieving space carries with it spiritual connotations.

The submissive should relax. Find a bed or couch and rest your head in the lap of your Dominant. Close your eyes and allow all of the random and erratic ‘thoughts’ to diminish. In other words you need to turn off the part of your brain that is constantly chattering at you. Concentrate or focus on the feeling of your head resting against your Dominant. Listen to your own breathing and the sound and feel of that person within their connection to you. There is nothing to fear within space. Venturing here will not harm you. As you relax you should focus upward or toward your Dominant. For many people it is difficult to ‘visualize’ a person inside of their brain. We tend to ‘see’ other people not as snapshots of images but as a complex blending of sensation, emotion and idealization. Your Dominant ‘feels’ a certain identifiable way to you. Reach for that ‘feeling’. Feel their presence.

The Dominant should caress the submissive such as to gently brush back small tendrils of their hair (This is a pattern!). retain physical contact. We are all electrical beings to some extent and a part of what we feel from or radiate TO each other is the movement of energy. This flow of energy can be best directed by hard conduits or the maintenance of physical touch during the entirety of the event. When a Dominant touches a submissive and directs thought AT that submissive that Dominant is actually directing their own physical and mental energy AT the submissive. Practice improves this ability! When the relationship is new the maintenance of this physical conduit is very important as both people are learning how to ‘feel’ inside of each other. At some later stages a Dominant and a submissive can often ‘feel’ each other without the need for this physical connection. The Dominant may have an experience which can best be described as empathic or ‘feeling thru’ their submissive. Learning how to find this space from both directions takes time, patience, natural aptitude and a strong desire.

The submissive is turning ‘off’ their own voice and shifting their attention or focus to listening ‘for’ the voice of their Dominant. This is a mental voice ‘inside’ of the submissive and at least initially a ‘physical voice’ from the Dominant. The more your brain is ‘talking’ the less you will ‘hear’. The Dominant can enhance the ‘scene’ for this attempt by limiting things which can distract the submissives brain. Dim the lights. Turn off the phone. Do not have somewhere to go in 30 minutes. Have already eaten your dinner. Have already taken bathroom breaks. Remove anything from the submissives body which may be physically uncomfortable. Some people also light candles and play ‘white sound’ music. If you do so then make certain that the volume is so low that you can barely hear it. Remember that as your submissive descends into space their hearing will become more acute and that tiny sounds will amplify. (White sound is sound which blurs out other sounds – tapes and CD’s can be purchased for this effect!)

The Dominant should speak slowly and softly to their submissive using a flat or monotone voice (This is a pattern!). The content of what is said should be non-emotional or words that will not create an emotional reaction inside of your submissive. Ex: Do not talk to them about something they have done wrong or something that needs doing. You can tell them something like: “your skin is very soft and lovely. . .” Compliments in general or positive commentary will enhance your submissives feelings of being safe, held, wanted, caressed, desired. Good or positive feelings will encourage your submissive to ‘reach’ for you! This is a mental reaching. In large part your submissive is reaching for that connection to you – this can feel like reaching into your energy stream. I need to note here that several things can impair a persons apparent energy outflow. The most common of these is smoking. Nicotine has effects on the brain, calming or dampening effects. If you are a smoker then at least to some extent you are probably using nicotine to blunt your highs (mental) and level out your lows. Alcohol and any type of medication which alters the brain chemistry may also have residual effects which may essentially ‘limit’ the potential range and power of your energy. This is also important for submissives, many submissives also smoke or otherwise use drugs or medications which can affect their ability to transcend space. For a submissive reaching ‘for’ a Dominant smoker, that Dominant may feel ‘flat’ or without the vibrancy that a nonsmoking Dominant may feel like.

The submissive may feel themselves to be flowing along their Dominant’s energy stream. This connection is important. Once a submissive has entered Space the Dominant should maintain physical and verbal contact with them at all times. The submissive may feel that their connection to reality is thru the Dominant so abandonment in Space can be terribly frightening and almost certain to cause a serious loss of trust when the submissive re-tops. Some submissives actually visualize this conduit or connection to their Dominant as being similar to a cord of luminescent light that connects them together. Their Dominant is their safety. By vacating apparent reality the submissive is releasing themselves to a level of personal vulnerability (should children wander in to see them zoning . . . etc. . . ) The submissive trusts that their Dominant will protect them mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually when they have flowed into their Dominant in space.

Space in some ways is the removal of daily debris from the sensory array. By limiting the brains imput to a few tightly controlled or monitored sensations and sounds the brain moves away from the cacophony of mental sound and within that movement becomes capable of highly enhanced potentials. To some extent it may be considered that Space is a higher level of brain functioning or the individual is selectively using specific parts of the brain in a more efficient way. It allows the brain the ability to view and experience incoming data in totally different ways, which inevitably alters how the spacing individual will view reality after they have exited space. Movement thru Sub-Space is often called flight!

When the exercise of achieving space for the first time is achieved it is crucial for the Dominant to realize that the effects of space will linger inside of their submissive for a long time. This makes aftercare vital. Your submissive will need comfort, reassurance and what can best be described as cuddling.Do not limit this after care to when you (the Dominant) believe that enough has been given but allow your submissive to cuddle or maintain physical contact for as long as they feel the need. If this exercise was done after dinner then it is an excellent idea to cuddle for a while then climb into bed together where physical contact can be maintained. The Dominant should be aware that at this point their submissive may be too ‘close’ to space and that sensory contact (such as sex) may be difficult on them mentally. The event may be more than enough for them to process that night. Other submissives will become extremely aroused by the event and need the completion of intimate relations. If your submissive appears to only want to cuddle – let that be enough. You will or may see variations from one extreme to another as you explore Space further with the same submissive.

Further notes: Space has some unique properties. One of these is the ability for the submissive to regress. Sometimes this occurs involuntarily when there is something in that submissives past that the submissives subconscious believes the submissive needs to face or deal with. The Dominant needs to be aware of this potential and at least be capable of being supportive should such a flashback occur. If you (as a Dominant) feel incapable of dealing with the type of material that your submissive reveals then it is an excellent idea to locate a good mental health care giver ([KAP]) to work through these unresolved issues with your submissive. Revealment of such an issue is seldom a bad thing. Try not to be judgmental regardless of the content of what you hear. Remember that it is quite possible that your submissive in top or normal space will have blocked the memory – (they will remember almost everything after releasing it in space). The brain usually releases such memories when IT believes it is safe and healthy to do so.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

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Published on January 15, 2016 07:00

January 14, 2016

DIY Your Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. I know it’s still the beginning of January, but we all know how fast time flies and before we know it, February will be here and that’s when the clock really starts ticking. So, it’s never too early to plan ahead (says the girl who was finished with her Christmas shopping last year in August). Another thing, many times we feel pressures by society(that’s right Hallmark, I’m talking to YOU!), to find the perfect card and gift that expresses how much you love and how strongly you feel towards your partner/partners. With this pressure comes the idea that you have to spend a lot of money for that perfect gift. That the more money you spend, the more you love that person. Which, we all know is total horsehocky. So don’t let yourself get caught up in all the Valentine’s Day hype and I am here to help you with that!

There’s no reason to spend a lot of money on a Valentine’s Day gift. In my opinion, it’s so much better to get something that’s been handmade and comes from the heart. Those kinds of gifts, while they may not be huge in size, are huge in thought. What more can say I love you than a gift that you’ve put time and energy to make yourself? Here are some ideas that I’ve seen and absolutely love.

DIY Valentine’s Day Gifts

The fun thing about being an s-type, is buying or making a toy for your dominant because not only does the dominant get to have fun with it, you do as well. Some people call this selfish thinking. I call this a win-win situation. Thanks to the Internet, there are TONS of links out there to DIY BDSM. While it may seem overwhelming to do a Google search and dig through all those links, because that can be quite time-consuming, I have found a handful of links that should send you in the right direction.

DIY Duct Tape Flogger

I think the duct tape floggers are awesome and especially now with all the colors, patterns, characters, and sports teams that you can get duct tape in now of days, you can personalize this flogger to your dominant’s likes.

DIY Velcro Cuffs

Who doesn’t love cuffs? Cuffs are a lot of fun, but they also can be really expensive. This a pair of cuffs made from some velcro, a handful of d-rings, and with a little sewing, you have a pair of cuffs ready to use.

Assorted DIY BDSM Toys

Kinky Crafts on CollarNCuffs.com

DIY BDSM Toy Instructions Online by lunaKM

These links have all kinds of DIY BDSM toys. Gags, cuffs, paddles, floggers, and even furniture. Some are easy, some are a little more time-consuming, but there’s a wide variety of ideas and something that can spark the creative juices.

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Now, if you’re wanting something that isn’t BDSM related, that’s okay. Nothing wrong with that. There’s plenty of those kinds of ideas on the Internet as well and I haven’t forgotten you either.

Personalized Dishes using Sharpie Markers

This one is a ton of fun because the sky is literally the limit. You can take a white coffee mug, plate, bowl and design it with Sharpie markers then bake it in the oven for about a half an hour and you have a special one of a kind personalized gift.

Printable Love Coupon Book

I did something like this similar for Daddy, but I made mine by hand and personalized the coupons to our taste such as afternoons of gaming together, breakfast of choice on weekends, dinner of choice(With 24 hour prior notice. Had to cover the possible loopholes!), and other fun activities that we enjoy doing with each other. With something like this, you can make it as clean or as kinky as you like. If you don’t have time to do one completely from scratch(and it is a rather time-consuming project, cutting out the coupons, writing them all out, decorating, assembling), this printable version is a great idea.

Photo Bookmark

If your D-type is an avid reader, then this is a fantastic idea! It’s a cloth bookmark with a small photo sewn on one end. It can be a picture of both of you together, just you, or a picture of something or somewhere special to the both of you.

Ideas for Making Your Own Valentine’s Day Card

I know there are usually only about 80 billion different kinds of Valentine’s Day cards on the shelves at your local store. Why buy a cookie cutter card when with just a little bit of time you can make your own?

50 Reasons I Love You Candy Jar

If your D-type has a sweet tooth, then this is the perfect idea. It’s a jar filled with candy and on the bottom, a reason why you love them. The original poster used Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Miniatures, but if that’s not up your dom’s ally, then use the miniature version of their favorite candy. Every time they go to grab a piece of candy or chocolate, they’ll also see a reason why they mean so much for you.

If you like this idea but not too big on using candy, here’s another idea. All you need is a deck of cards, some paper, and a Sharpie and you have a book full of 52 reasons why you love them.

Food

Nothing says I love you than a fantastic meal prepared by your own two hands. I am well aware that most s-types do this on a daily basis for their dominant, but for Valentine’s Day, do something a little extraordinary. A little candle light, some decorations, a fantastic meal and you’re all set.

I suggest doing something that your dominant really enjoys. Is there something you make that they really, really enjoy but you don’t get around to making it very often due to time constrictions or picky eaters? This is the perfect time to make that dish. Also make a dessert that they really enjoy and that you don’t make very often. I’m not talking a five course meal(unless that’s what you want to do)or some super fancy gourmet recipe. If you need some ideas, here are some links I found that feature both entree and dessert ideas.

Simple and Delicious Valentine’s Days Recipes from Nigella

Valentine’s Day Chocolate Dessert Recipes from FoodNetwork.com

Chocolate Covered Strawberries from Allrecpies.com

Romantic Valentine’s Day Entrees from FoodNetwork.com

Valentine’s Day Dessert Recipes from MarthaStewart.com

I hope the ideas I have shared with you have given you some ideas on how to create your own special and magical DIY Valentine’s Day. And, if you have any ideas that you would love to share with me and our other readers, please feel free to do so in the comments! I look forward to hearing about your ideas!

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Published on January 14, 2016 07:00

January 13, 2016

What Would YOU Change To Make Submissive Guide Better?

Though I write my blog for other reasons too, this blog mainly exists to serve you, the reader.

So, I put together a list of questions to find out what you love and what you think could be better.

The survey is totally anonymous, and you can fill it out right here on the blog. Though, email subscribers, you’ll probably have to click on over to the actual post on the web to submit your responses.

I’m super excited to get your feedback, so thank you in advance for sharing your thoughts and opinions with me! Also, if there’s anything you want to tell me that doesn’t fit on the survey, just leave me a comment.

Link to Survey -https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1snnDNsR7h14G4tBywEj_xB-sW0tqWRiFAp6oiT7jUDY/viewform?usp=send_form

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Published on January 13, 2016 07:00

January 12, 2016

Getting My Home Together

One of the things that baffled me the most when I moved in with Chief was how quickly our place ended up in shambles. I felt like I was cleaning it fairly regularly, but there was always something to do! The laundry, the dishes, the bathroom, the floors, the clutter – it was constant, and is still something that I battle with. But I am realizing that there are definitely things that I was doing that promoted the constant disaster, and I feel like they are pretty common mistakes so I am going to lay them out for you and tell you how I am working on combatting them.

I didn’t have a routine.

This was the biggest one – there was no semblance for when I did what around the house, so the house was always in flux in a weird order. When I started making a pattern and a routine things went more smoothly. For example, Chief showed up when we moved with three boxes of dirty laundry – so from the get go I was struggling to get out from under it all. Especially because I use a drying rack instead of a dryer (it is better for the clothes because they do not wear out so easily, and it is obviously better for the environment as the dryer is the single most wasteful appliance in the house). Once I established a routine, however, the laundry pile went away much quicker. I did laundry every Tuesday and Thursday because I have the mornings off and on Sunday’s when I was off from work I would strip the beds and change the towels. That way there was always clean clothes and sheets.

Similarly, I used Thursday as my “deep clean” day because I had the day off. I would vacuum, sweep, do all the dishes, and clean the bathroom.

The thing is, I couldn’t allocate Thursday as my only day to do those things because I had other things I needed to do on Thursdays: doctor appointments, grocery shopping, homework, etc. So I needed to find another pattern. So I broke it down even further so that I would do one smaller task each day so that the house was never entirely in shambles. I would vacuum again on Mondays, spot clean the kitchen floor Tuesdays, organize clutter on Wednesdays, deep clean on Thursdays, and use Friday through Sunday to do specialty projects like painting or mass organization.

The clutter didn’t have a real home.

Every house has a “crap drawer” where everything that doesn’t have a home lives. We had several crap drawers filled with miscellaneous do-dads and trinkets. Some of them we would use, some just took up space, and none of it was organized at all. Even real things such a toilet paper didn’t have an official home, so I had to set about to organize things. In the bathroom I picked up a myriad of baskets at a yard sale and painted them all to match the bathroom and divided the stuff up: hair stuff, body odor stuff for him and for me, teeth stuff, medicine, soaps, shampoos, etc. Then everything had a home instead of just being tossed under the sink. It helped keep the bathroom counter cleaner too because then we both knew where to put things away.

I made official homes for everything in the kitchen. I organized it so all the plates were in one cupboard, all bowls in another, on and on. It made everything make a lot more sense. Just having a home for everything makes it easier to put things away.

The furniture didn’t match.

This sounds silly – how can it matter that my furniture didn’t match? It is my first apartment – I picked up some stuff at yard sales, was given some stuff, and bought others – of course it doesn’t match. But the clashing colors and shades of wood made a huge difference. So I invested fifty dollars in black spray paint and spray painted all the living room furniture black (a nice neutral color). The change was instant! Everything looked much nicer! Everything looked like it matched and was intended to be there which made the furniture itself look less like clutter.

I had a lot of the same thing.

When I really cleaned my living room I found that I had five candles in the living room. Not the decorative tapers, but scented candles. I bought them on sale and immediately wanted to smell all of them. But it was silly because I was never really burning five candles at once, I would burn one or two and the others would sit around taking up space. The same with pillows and blanket on my coach and bed – there were too many of them, so then when you wanted to use one the rest ended up on the floor where you had to constantly step over or even on them! Then at that point they’re dirty and end up in my laundry pile! I bought space saver bags and put the ones I didn’t want to use at this time in the closet, then when I want yellow pillows, I can just go into the closet and swap them out!

I got overwhelmed.

It is so easy to become overwhelmed and let the “little things” slide. We tell ourselves that a little dust is okay, a few crumbs on the carpet don’t matter, one dish in the sink is okay, but then things build to the point where we are too overwhelmed to truly tackle it. Don’t let your home get to that point, and if you do, blitz it, call over friends, get it clean and give yourself a hard deadline. I always invite over family or friends at around 5 or 6 on a day when I have a lot to do, otherwise I will get distracted by my phone or a book, or making cookies, and let the cleaning (or some of it) be put off until “later” which turns into “tomorrow” which turns into “my next day off” and then “my next day off when I have nothing else to do”. The deadline and the time crunch give me the necessary pressure to get things done when I want them done.

Good luck!

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Published on January 12, 2016 07:00

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