Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 31

[Video Post] What Does Service Submission REALLY Mean?

Service. It’s something that a lot of submissive say they are into giving. But what does that mean? I guess a lot of us, myself included, just assume that once you “get it” that you already understand what service entails, but the new submissives among us, and those that don’t perform service on a regular basis probably don’t quite understand what is so special about service that we’d want to specifically say we do it. Let’s get to the bottom of it, shall we?

While it’s quite clear that the definition means that we are helping or doing work for someone, performing a kindness or favor, when we apply that term to D/s it tends to take on a more indepth role. Service, to me, definitely means I’m doing something for my Dominant partner, something that they find important to have fulfilled and have given me that honor to perform.

If these tasks were not on a regular basis, or not assumed that I would always perform them, I don’t think I’d call it service. It would be more an obedience thing. What makes it service is that it becomes part of my submissive makeup, my role in the relationship and an expected part of my everyday. And I do it because I enjoy it. I develop a connection to the jobs and tasks he has added to my submission and they are a large part of the good feelings I get as a service submissive.

What do I personally do that I consider service?

I am his personal assistant. I make all of his appointments, keep his calendar, inform him of coming events, fetch and carry while he works during they day and acts as the intermediary for people to contact him.
I am his domestic servant. I perform all of the household tasks to maintaining the home. He does not have to do anything to keep the house clean; that is my service to him. I prepare his meals and make sure the appliances and cars have their scheduled maintenance. Occasionally he’ll take the trash out for me.
I am his personal groomer. I maintain his hair and body for him. While he showers on his own, I am to shave him, cut his hair, lotion his body and make sure he is presentable. It is one of the more intimate services I provide.
I’m the accountant for our own income as well as the businesses we have. The money that comes into the home must be managed correctly so that we can live comfortable and plan for the future. He trusts that I’m not misusing the funds and that the bills are getting paid on time.

As I’m sure many of you are thinking, these can’t be service because I do them and I don’t feel they are service. Then that’s true for you. For me, they are an important connection to the D/s we have. It’s almost formal and ritualized and often these are the things that have the most protocol added to them. That and the manner they are carried out makes them service to me.

Some D/s relationships do not have a sexual or intimate component to them at all, they are pure service. The enjoyment that submissives in service relationships gain is purely from caring for and serving another Dominant in some capacity. Just about any job that you can do for pay you can do for service to someone else.

Examples of Types of Service a Submissive Could Perform
Personal Assistant
Secretary
Domestic / Maid
Chauffeur
Escort
Bootblack
Massage Therapist
Groom / Personal Care Attendant
Landscaping / Lawn care
Co-Top during scenes with others
Nurse
Computer Technician

Eventually you are going to encounter something from someone else that the consider service. This is hardly an exhaustive list. So, what I’d like to do is open it up to you. Let me know of other types of service in the comments! Share your own thoughts on the topics too. I’d love to hear what service is in your eyes and why it’s special. Or not.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 31, 2016 07:00

Ask the Readers – Looking for Signals During Play

Hi readers!

Every so often I have a question from someone that deserves different viewpoints and so I’m sharing it with you. Please give your advice to this submissive and be kind.

My question is about reading your Dominant or Top in mindful mode. I’ve heard a lot about the need for a Top to be able to read their bottom in play, but I am wondering two things: what signals do they look for (things like skin texture changes and breathing) and is there a resource or education about signals we as bottoms can or should be on the lookout for from our Tops to get to that next level with them in play?

I’m sure there is some overlap in reading body language and physical responses, but I’m having a hard time finding specifics about this information. Thank you!

So folks, what sort of advice would you give ”Looking for Signals”? Let me know in the comments!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 30, 2016 07:00

How Often Have You Said: “I Don’t Know What’s Expected of Me, But I’d Like To”?

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 8/29/15

What ARE you expected to do and know as a submissive? Well, for many who are just starting out, the answer really is not much. But that’s not the kind of answer you accept out of me, right? There’s more to it, isn’t there? Of course there always is, but you have to begin somewhere and then build your knowledge an experience from there. So let me tell you what you can do to make sure you are better informed before you enter a relationship and shortly after you’ve found a Dominant to submit to so your question of what is expected of you can be answered as fully as possible.

When you are single, there’s a lot you can do to learn about yourself and the type of dynamic you want to be in which means you can arm yourself with knowledge of what MIGHT be expected of you in a relationship. Read some of the recommended books for novices to learn about BDSM and the dynamic styles that you will be striving to explore. While you are reading write down any questions that come to you from your reading so that you can find answers. Make notes on things you like and things you don’t like so that you can expand your checklist and learn about things that are brand new.

And where do you go to learn these things? Well, there are several places that I recommend. I always want you to consider meeting people face to face in a BDSM support group. It’s one of the best ways to see a variety of D/s dynamics at work and get honest and helpful answers to your questions. You can find out if there is a group near you at Find A Munch or search engine. Just use the keywords “BDSM” and “munch” with the city you live in, or city nearest you to see what comes up.

I know that getting out into the community doesn’t work for everyone, so if you can find an online community that you feel comfortable in, then ask your questions there. The largest of these is FetLife so if you haven’t been there yet, see if you like it. I highly suggest the Novices and Newbies group there. It’s amazingly helpful, non-judgmental and purpose built for answering those questions that you may feel are stupid or ignorant because you are still new. There are other, smaller online forums, so you could always search for them if you want.

Unlike vanilla relationships, which you are exposed to from the time of your birth through your life, researching D/s relationships is almost necessary if you are attracted to them and wish to explore that yourself. Relationships with set roles are not as common in everyday exposure so when you look for examples of D/s relationships you really have to join a community to see them in action. So, if you can’t, use the resources available to you in books and online.

I’m in a new relationship, now what?

Alright, so you didn’t get a chance to do the research before you found a partner to explore BDSM with. That’s alright, I get it. You need a relationship sometimes before you know what you want. It won’t make it easier on you, but maybe you can get some help from them? That’s right, talk to him. A Dominant just might have those expectations for you.

I know what you are saying, you have to talk to your Dominant about what they expect from you instead of just reading their mind? That’s crazy talk! Yeah, so set up a safe environment to talk, forget your roles for a few moments and just talk about your relationship.

What does it ultimately look like?
What does your ideal partner look like, hypothetically?
When they say they want you to be their submissive or slave, what does that mean to them?
Where will you submit? Bedroom only? In everyday life? Certain situations?

Oftentimes, the Dominant knows exactly what they want from you and can articulate that so that you understand. This is more often the case with Dominants who have had some practice or are very confident in their role. Asking them questions about what they expect from you will not phase them and they will be happy to answer your questions. You should never feel dumb or useless for your questions and should be encouraged to keep the lines of communication open no matter what’s going on.

A Dominant who knows what they want will be able to say things like, “I want you to be polite in public, use please and thank you with customer service flair. I expect you to dress nicely at all times and under no circumstances will you wear underwear without my permission.” In this example, you have a chance to have things clarified, ask questions or even re-iterate his desires so that he knows you understand them.

If you have a newer Dominant or someone who was vanilla but you are on a road together to embrace your kinky natures, then they may truly not know what they want from you. In this situation communication is your best tool. Sit down with them and just talk about what being a Dominant or submissive attracts them and build from there. Start small. It could be as simple as having one rule at a time and adding to it when you are comfortable with the previous one. Don’t overwhelm yourself or you’ll feel like you aren’t cut out for D/s when in fact you could be just feeling like you jumped into the deep end with no safety net. Get back to the shallow end of the kink pool. Walk slowly and confidently to the deeper sections when you are ready.

No one expects you to be perfect from the start. No new Dominant is going to know what they want at the onset of a relationship. Have patience with yourself and with your partner.

Are there general expectations?

Well, sure I guess. Be human, be polite and respectful, obey the golden rule, be nice to your friends and family and if you have religious beliefs adhere to those too. Basically don’t be a douchebag person. You want to be a submissive that a Dominant is proud to call theirs. Be an example of that.

So when you ask yourself what’s expected of me I hope you have some direction now. It’s not as complicated as you make it out, and often it is that case of wanting to do it all at once and not tiptoe lightly into things. It’s okay. I’ve been there. Slow and steady, asking questions really is the best, most self-aware way to become the submissive you wish to be for your partner.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 28, 2016 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Looking forward to feeling Spring around here. Of course all the cold and rain sure makes me think Spring might be right around the corner, right? KnyghtMare and I are just about 4 months until we have to move and while that seems like a lot for some people, I’m already feeling anxious. I’ll be more relaxed once we’ve found a place and then even better when I can start packing and signing up for utilities, etc. There’s so much to do and I’m really hoping that there will be far fewer moves in our future. I’d like to find the perfect place and settle down.

Anyone want to give me some moving advice and tips? This isn’t my first move, but there’s always things to learn from each other!

Another week has gone by so that means another summary!

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!

Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

How Sub Space Affects Sexual Sensations During Play
5 Myths About Dominants by Kayla Lords
Simply Service e-Zine: March 2005

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Where Can I Go to Talk to Someone about Submission?

Is there any service out there that you can talk to a live person and go through some things that are fairly new to me in real time like right now… not necessarily the paid chat but just someone to ask questions and see if what I’m doing is normal…well somewhat normal.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

Pushing Limits

Where do you fall on the idea of pushing limits? Do you feel like limits are put in place for a reason and shouldn’t be pushed? Do you feel like a compatible Dominant would know when/how to push your limits so long as safe words were honored? Otherwise?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: Ask lunaKM – Going to a Munch Alone
In 2014: Traveling With Toys: A Submissive’s Dilemma by pinksubgeek
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Dominant is struggling, how can I help?
In 2012: When Mommy/slave is Ill… by malak Briar-rose
In 2011: 5 Things to Give Your Safe Call Person

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Are you open about your lifestyle choices with any family members or friends? How did they react when you told them?
Begin your journal today with, “I am happy with…”
Share a story about your closest lifestyle friend and yourself.
The power exchange that occurs within a D/s dynamic is essentially an illusion! The submissive always retains the power of consent, and the only power the Dominant truly has are those gifted to them by their submissive, and only within the confines of that negotiated dynamic. — Father Mark (bdsmgallery.org)
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The People of Kink

TPOK Minicast 55 – Gender Bender

23 Mar 2016, 5:00am GMT

→ The People of Kink

Why does gender matter? It shouldn’t. I work my way thru my thoughts on gender, changing gender or being gender fluid. No matter what gender that people choose to be or to dress up like they are still just people. Kink is kink. We all need to support our fellow kinksters who are transitioning or enjoy floating between the sexes and remember that gender does not matter. The only thing that matters is that people are happy and loved.

MP3 audio (14MB, 15min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 27, 2016 10:00

Simply Service e-Zine: March 2005

Today I bring you another Simply Service newsletter. This was an exceptionally lovely one and I highly recommend you check it out!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

March edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2005.

Contents
From the Editor –Linda
Service Oriented and Protocols
If He told you to jump off a bridge…
Submission from Strength
New Studies Show Diamonds Cause Irritation in Slaves
Working Outside the Home
A Feminist Perspective of BDSM
Ritual Routine Recommitment
Head space, slave space, sub space and other places we travel

March 2005

Download Now!
Related Posts:
When Mommy/slave is Ill…
Love in a D/s Relationship
What is Protocol?
High Tea, Japanese Tea Ceremony and Formal Dining
Review: Protocols: a Variety of Views

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 24, 2016 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Where Can I Go to Talk to Someone about Submission?

Is there any service out there that you can talk to a live person and go through some things that are fairly new to me in real time like right now… not necessarily the paid chat but just someone to ask questions and see if what I’m doing is normal…well somewhat normal.

Hi there!

I can understand your desire to talk to someone face to face about BDSM and submission and learning more about what you want and who you are. It’s often overwhelming to learn these things about yourself and then be thrown to the wolves of the Internet to try to figure out what’s right for you and what’s wrong.

You don’t need a service because there are likely support groups near you that you can attend and get your questions answered and perhaps make a few friends. These support groups are called munches and I’ve covered them a few times on the site in the past. A munch is a gathering of like-minded individuals in a public or semi public (think private room in a restaurant) place where you can chat and get to know people and learn about BDSM and D/s relationships from others who have more experience.

I have a small ebook called, “Your First Munch” and gives you a lot of information and answers questions about munches, from what to wear, how to act and where to find them. You might be interested in picking that up.

Now, if you want real-time, but still online, try FetLife groups. Some of them are so active that it’s almost like real-time chat in some discussions because of how busy they are. The Novices and Newbies group is highly recommended for its helpful nature and the volume of help you will receive in a short time.

Good luck!

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 23, 2016 07:00

5 Myths About Dominants

For the record, I am not a Dominant (and I don’t play one on TV) but I love a Dominant man, and I have learned a lot about him in our time together. There are plenty of misconceptions about BDSM, and Dominants are no exception.

There’s no such thing as a perfect Dominant or a true Dominant, but as long as we understand they are human beings first and foremost, we can find the perfect Dominant for us.

Myth 1: Dominants are mind readers.

I know it feels like they are. Many Dominants are great at watching people and listening to what we’re saying or not saying, but they are not and never have been mind readers. They can’t know exactly what you want or need unless you communicate with them. Using the vanilla standard of “Fine” when things are most definitely not “fine” isn’t going to help solve whatever is going on with you. You have to communicate with your Dominant.

Myth 2: Dominants always know what to do.

Many Dominants are great at exuding an air of confidence. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren’t. My own Daddy Dom has often admitted (after the fact) that he’s just flying by the seat of his pants in some situations – usually when I’m naked and he’s trying to decide the best way to have some fun. If you get the sense that your Dominant is unsure, it’s okay to ask if you can help. Offering the solution may seem like “taking control” but really, it’s just another way to serve your Dominant.

Myth 3: Dominants don’t get nervous, scared, or feel bad.

Who are these mythical creatures we have in our heads? Have we all been reading too much erotica? Dominants are people and people get nervous, scared, and feel bad from time to time. To think otherwise is to do a disservice to your Dominant, and you’ll miss opportunities to help your Dominant in times of crisis. They may not show it, and they may not love the fact that you notice their distress, but they will (usually) appreciate your willingness to help them feel better – even if it’s just distracting them with a butt wiggle so they have a reason to spank you or holding their hand until they feel ready to face whatever it may be.

Myth 4: Dominants always feel Dominant.

I can’t speak for any Dominants out there, but when my own wonderful Daddy Dom went through a year of dealing with his sister’s cancer and then her death, there were times when the last thing he wanted was to make another decision or be in control of anything. Just like you don’t always feel submissive when life kicks your butt, neither do our Dominants. Part of serving is to give them the space they need to deal with their emotions, offering support and comfort, and (from my experience) continuing to act as their submissive even when they aren’t demanding it.

Myth 5: Dominants get everything they want, all of the time.

If your Dominant didn’t spank your butt or flog you or drag you around by your hair because you had a headache, got the flu, or just found out your dog died, there is all the proof you need that they don’t get everything they want all of the time. The best Dominants are out to get what they want and give you what you need. When those two don’t match up, sometimes, they put their own wants and needs to the side in order to take care of you. The Dominant who does what they want regardless of what’s going on with you is suspect and possibly not the best Dominant.

I think the good Dominants of the world are awesome – even those who’s kinks don’t match my own. But I also know they’re people with their own emotions, thoughts, and issues. Love your Dominant, worship them even, but don’t believe too many myths about them. You’ll only end up very confused and disappointed when they prove that the myths are wrong.

How Sub Space Affects Sexual Sensations During Play

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 12-19-15

Often misunderstood; subspace has a complexity that leads many to believe what they are experiencing isn’t subspace at all. But what we can all agree on is that subspace alters your senses during play. While SM play is most common to reach subspace you can get there using other means as well. But can you reach orgasm during sub space? The majority will say no, and I’m going to talk about why orgasms fail to happen during subspace and the very tiny minority that can achieve orgasm during subspace.

What is subspace, again?

Subspace is the sensory response to intense sensation during play. Often this includes some form of pain play or masochism but it doesn’t have to. The sensory response in the body during play is to release chemicals to help us cope with the stress our body is under. These chemicals are adrenaline and endorphins. Depending on how your body responds to this influx of chemicals in the bloodstream is how you’ll feel during space.

Subspace is commonly described as a detachment from what is happening, a warm fuzzy sensory overload of sorts. Some people become completely unresponsive, while others are on a spectrum of intense focus to lack of focus.

There are levels to how deep you are in subspace at any time during play. Sometimes you are floating just below the surface of focus and other times you are so far away that even simple communication alludes you. In the lighter levels of space you are a bit more focused and can interact with your partner and the sensations you are experiencing. But the further away you travel, the less responsiveness you get. It is in these levels that sexual responses also fail. So while you could be completely turned on, the physical focus you need to achieve orgasm has checked out in space. You have to be in the moment to orgasm and the detachment of subspace prevents that from happening.

No Orgasms in Space

If you’ve had an orgasm before, and let’s hope you have or you should work on that without the complications of sub space first, you know that your focus in on your sexual climax and getting to that point. Any distraction can pull you away from reaching an orgasm. As you learned above, subspace is a detachment from your senses, it causes you to lose focus. Subspace causes you to feel further from the action, to numb the feelings you experience which is why playing more intensely once in sub space is dangerous.

Since your body needs to be focused on sexual attention to be able to orgasm, if you are floating in sub space you can’t connect to the sensory receptors responsible for orgasm. No matter how hard your Dom tries you can not reach the focus necessary to orgasm without leaving sub space.

Yeah, well I can! Does that mean I’m not in subspace?

Not at all. It means your body handles the endorphins and adrenaline in a different way, allowing you to still focus sensations to your sexual organs. People who work out regularly, athletes like runners and swimmers and anyone who experiences “runner’s high” routinely all have learned to cope better with the chemicals in their body and can have a hard time reaching the deeper subspace that is often described.

Remember what I said above, how you feel during subspace and what you can do in subspace is completely individual. I can only write in broad generalities to try to include as many people as I can, so if you can orgasm in subspace, that’s great!

Why There Are Conflicting Opinions

Our bodies are unique and each of us handles stresses on the body in different ways. Whether that stress is negative or positive we respond differently. So it stands to reason that the descriptions of subspace will be just as varied. They way you respond in space is what matters.

Learn how you respond and make notes about it. Make sure that you tell new partners how you look and act as you enter subspace so that they can watch for that. And of course, if they don’t want you going into subspace they can pull you back. If you don’t know how you get to subspace, but you know you do, then ask your play partner to describe what they saw as you slipped away. Did you get less vocal, respond less, get a glassy-eyed look, something else entirely? Once you have that information, if you play with someone else you can tell them what that looks like and then negotiate if subspace is desired or not (I advocate for not going to subspace with new play partners).

Also the many types and levels of subspace could also be the sticking point for the conflict of what subspace is to begin with. There are so many ways to describe and explore subspace that agreeing on these can bring an online discussion board to a screaming frenzy. And if some people can reach subspace and orgasm within it, but others can’t then who am I to say they are not really in subspace? They obviously are experiencing something that to them is subspace. I’m not going to challenge that.

Enjoy subspace. It’s meant to be a wonderful experience that not everyone can reach. Don’t worry about whether you can orgasm or not. You aren’t broken if you can’t orgasm in subspace and you most certainly can be in sub space when you orgasm (you lucky duck). As long as you understand the limits of your body you can revel in the pleasure of sensation, whatever that may be for you.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 21, 2016 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

I made my first corned beef brisket in the crock pot for St Patrick’s Day. It was pretty darned good! KnyghtMare said it was salty (duh) but he approved making it again. I’ve got plenty of left overs which means Reubens! I’m not a drinker (and beer has gluten in it so I couldn’t imbibe anyhow, have you tried GF beers?) so we don’t go the green beer route for the day.

Easter is coming and it’s not a holiday we celebrate but I’m considering getting a ham steak anyhow (there’s just the 2 of us). What do you do for Easter? I’ve colored eggs many times before but since I’m the only egg eater in this house I can’t rationalize coloring 3 eggs just for me.

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a monthyou can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!

Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

How to Tell When That Online Training Dom is a Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing
Ethical BDSM Falls on Both Sides of the Slash
Book Review: M/s for the Rest of Us
The Training Collar

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

none

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

Pushing Limits

Where do you fall on the idea of pushing limits? Do you feel like limits are put in place for a reason and shouldn’t be pushed? Do you feel like a compatible Dominant would know when/how to push your limits so long as safe words were honored? Otherwise?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: How to Be Responsive During Play Without Being Demanding
In 2014: What’s That Sound? Discreet BDSM Play and Hiding Toys from Children by moonlight
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Can Trust Be Repaired When He’s Caught Cheating?
In 2012: Making the Transition from Online to Face-to-Face Submission by Lady Sneak
In 2011: Masturbation: When It Becomes Not So Private Anymore by bgtreasure

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Name three fictional characters who would be good role models for an aspiring slave and explain why.
“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” – T. S. Eliot
How has your owner encouraged you to grow as a person? As a submissive?
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Featured Podcast of the Week – Erotic Awakening

EA389 – Jon and Amendah

14 Mar 2016, 11:45am GMT

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This week on the Erotic Awakening Podcast, Dan & dawn talk about with Jon and Amendah about M/s Bushido style, contest, and more! Plus a question of the day on contracts. PLUS mobile studio; live tentacles; and more! Tags? Oh yea we got tags #splf #leather #contest #kink #podcast #tentacles Don’t miss an episode! Click here to subscribe via iTunes or here for any other method Part of the Erotic Awakening Podcast Network Click the banner above for other great shows spanning the realm of BDSM, Sacred Sexuality, Tantra, and simply fun kink!

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Published on March 20, 2016 10:00

The Training Collar

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

The Training Collar represents the second collar exchanged between a Dominant and a submissive. For information regarding the first collar please refer to my article called the Collar of Consideration. The ‘Training’ collar is offered by the Dominant after they have engaged in a period of time where they have held extensive conversations with the submissive and explored characteristics, traits, interests, desires and lifestyles to see if they consider themselves to be a good match in enough areas to move into a relationship of deeper commitment. They will generally have engaged in many of the vanilla aspects of the relationship as well as commenced with some light sceneing to explore the beginning limits that the submissive may possess.

The traditional Training collar is often made of leather. It is generally very plain and may be either red or black. Many Dominants alternatively offer a training collar in chain. This is based on personal preference, requirements dictated by issue’s in the submissives life and other factors shared between the Dominant and the submissive. The acceptance of this collar by the submissive indicates that the submissive agrees to pursue a much deeper relationship with the Dominant which will involve or may, serious feelings, emotions, commitments and responsibilities. It can be equated fairly well to an engagement ring. When a relationship reaches the stage where a Training Collar is offered it tells other Dominant’s and submissives that the Dominant and submissive have grown much more serious and that they are actively bonding and attaching to each other with considerations of a potentially long-term full-time relationship. At this point the actions of the submissive are reflected upon the Dominant and the submissive should become acutely aware that behaving in a manner becoming to the training of their Dominant is a reflection of their personal devotion and commitment to that Dominant.

When a Dominant reaches this stage with a submissive they will often move into areas of training and discipline which are much more severe and strict. The foundations of later interactions are often based on how well the Dominant and the submissive construct or shape their relationship at this stage. Both recognize that they are a reflection of each other or openly connected to each other and will actively work to make that representation solid and deep. Most Dominant’s and submissives enter deeper emotional stages at this point and may begin to express true devotion, love, honor and mutual respect. In many ways this is where the relationship is truly tested physically, mentally and emotionally.

In many cases the Dominant and submissive may consider or try living together actively. The exploration of in-scene elements will generally intensify as they get to know each other better and the depth of trust begins to grow. It is at this stage that adaptation problems generally occur the most. The newlywed stage is over and in many cases people tend to express themselves in a more open fashion. It is at this point that many submissives find themselves ‘acting-out’ against their Dominant as they attempt to reconcile the internal conflicts of true commitment and submission. A Dominant in this stage can struggle with feelings of resentment, excessive responsibility and a reduction in personal freedom, primarily as it relates to the open exploration of other people. This is a natural shifting from non-commitment to commitment. Both will find that they may test their partner strenuously to see if their partner’s commitment is solid and strong. There is always an element of fear in the creation of relationships and insecurities and doubts. Facing these and overcoming them is necessary before the Dominant and submissive can even consider taking their relationship the final steps toward a full collar, often identified as a ‘Slave Collar’.

Each of the collars is generally presented during some type of formal ceremony. Often the ‘Collar of Consideration’ and the ‘Training Collar’ may be presented privately or during a small gathering of close friends. The actions of collaring are considered quite serious and most often great care is taken to make the moments memorable for both people. Many Dominant’s and submissive’s exchange vows or poems they have created during such ceremonial occasions.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 18, 2016 07:00