Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 31

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

I made my first corned beef brisket in the crock pot for St Patrick’s Day. It was pretty darned good! KnyghtMare said it was salty (duh) but he approved making it again. I’ve got plenty of left overs which means Reubens! I’m not a drinker (and beer has gluten in it so I couldn’t imbibe anyhow, have you tried GF beers?) so we don’t go the green beer route for the day.

Easter is coming and it’s not a holiday we celebrate but I’m considering getting a ham steak anyhow (there’s just the 2 of us). What do you do for Easter? I’ve colored eggs many times before but since I’m the only egg eater in this house I can’t rationalize coloring 3 eggs just for me.

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a monthyou can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!

Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

How to Tell When That Online Training Dom is a Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing
Ethical BDSM Falls on Both Sides of the Slash
Book Review: M/s for the Rest of Us
The Training Collar

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

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Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

Pushing Limits

Where do you fall on the idea of pushing limits? Do you feel like limits are put in place for a reason and shouldn’t be pushed? Do you feel like a compatible Dominant would know when/how to push your limits so long as safe words were honored? Otherwise?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: How to Be Responsive During Play Without Being Demanding
In 2014: What’s That Sound? Discreet BDSM Play and Hiding Toys from Children by moonlight
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Can Trust Be Repaired When He’s Caught Cheating?
In 2012: Making the Transition from Online to Face-to-Face Submission by Lady Sneak
In 2011: Masturbation: When It Becomes Not So Private Anymore by bgtreasure

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Name three fictional characters who would be good role models for an aspiring slave and explain why.
“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” – T. S. Eliot
How has your owner encouraged you to grow as a person? As a submissive?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Erotic Awakening

EA389 – Jon and Amendah

14 Mar 2016, 11:45am GMT

→ Erotic Awakening Podcast

This week on the Erotic Awakening Podcast, Dan & dawn talk about with Jon and Amendah about M/s Bushido style, contest, and more! Plus a question of the day on contracts. PLUS mobile studio; live tentacles; and more! Tags? Oh yea we got tags #splf #leather #contest #kink #podcast #tentacles Don’t miss an episode! Click here to subscribe via iTunes or here for any other method Part of the Erotic Awakening Podcast Network Click the banner above for other great shows spanning the realm of BDSM, Sacred Sexuality, Tantra, and simply fun kink!

MP3 audio (32MB, 35min)

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 20, 2016 10:00

The Training Collar

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

The Training Collar represents the second collar exchanged between a Dominant and a submissive. For information regarding the first collar please refer to my article called the Collar of Consideration. The ‘Training’ collar is offered by the Dominant after they have engaged in a period of time where they have held extensive conversations with the submissive and explored characteristics, traits, interests, desires and lifestyles to see if they consider themselves to be a good match in enough areas to move into a relationship of deeper commitment. They will generally have engaged in many of the vanilla aspects of the relationship as well as commenced with some light sceneing to explore the beginning limits that the submissive may possess.

The traditional Training collar is often made of leather. It is generally very plain and may be either red or black. Many Dominants alternatively offer a training collar in chain. This is based on personal preference, requirements dictated by issue’s in the submissives life and other factors shared between the Dominant and the submissive. The acceptance of this collar by the submissive indicates that the submissive agrees to pursue a much deeper relationship with the Dominant which will involve or may, serious feelings, emotions, commitments and responsibilities. It can be equated fairly well to an engagement ring. When a relationship reaches the stage where a Training Collar is offered it tells other Dominant’s and submissives that the Dominant and submissive have grown much more serious and that they are actively bonding and attaching to each other with considerations of a potentially long-term full-time relationship. At this point the actions of the submissive are reflected upon the Dominant and the submissive should become acutely aware that behaving in a manner becoming to the training of their Dominant is a reflection of their personal devotion and commitment to that Dominant.

When a Dominant reaches this stage with a submissive they will often move into areas of training and discipline which are much more severe and strict. The foundations of later interactions are often based on how well the Dominant and the submissive construct or shape their relationship at this stage. Both recognize that they are a reflection of each other or openly connected to each other and will actively work to make that representation solid and deep. Most Dominant’s and submissives enter deeper emotional stages at this point and may begin to express true devotion, love, honor and mutual respect. In many ways this is where the relationship is truly tested physically, mentally and emotionally.

In many cases the Dominant and submissive may consider or try living together actively. The exploration of in-scene elements will generally intensify as they get to know each other better and the depth of trust begins to grow. It is at this stage that adaptation problems generally occur the most. The newlywed stage is over and in many cases people tend to express themselves in a more open fashion. It is at this point that many submissives find themselves ‘acting-out’ against their Dominant as they attempt to reconcile the internal conflicts of true commitment and submission. A Dominant in this stage can struggle with feelings of resentment, excessive responsibility and a reduction in personal freedom, primarily as it relates to the open exploration of other people. This is a natural shifting from non-commitment to commitment. Both will find that they may test their partner strenuously to see if their partner’s commitment is solid and strong. There is always an element of fear in the creation of relationships and insecurities and doubts. Facing these and overcoming them is necessary before the Dominant and submissive can even consider taking their relationship the final steps toward a full collar, often identified as a ‘Slave Collar’.

Each of the collars is generally presented during some type of formal ceremony. Often the ‘Collar of Consideration’ and the ‘Training Collar’ may be presented privately or during a small gathering of close friends. The actions of collaring are considered quite serious and most often great care is taken to make the moments memorable for both people. Many Dominant’s and submissive’s exchange vows or poems they have created during such ceremonial occasions.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 18, 2016 07:00

Book Review: M/s for the Rest of Us

Master/slave relationships are not usually more complex than D/s ones but they do have their own quirks and manners and behaviors that other relationships don’t have. Which is probably why when lifestyle books come out that are about relationships they are specific about which type of relationship they most relate to. In today’s book review, we’ll be talking about M/s relationships. Clearly, it’s not just the title that will give it to you. The whole manner of the book is about developing an M/s relationship. So what am I talking about? I’m going to share with you my thoughts on M/s for the Rest of Us by K.E. “Master Bear” Enzweiler.

This book was sent to me by the author to review and while that won’t impact the review of the book, I do appreciate getting review copies of books.

Okay so first, this book is written primarily for people embracing the Master role, rather than the slave, but that doesn’t make it any less informative to the slaves. I know many Dominants who read this site because it helps them gain insight into their partners, and it’s a good practice that everyone should do. Never before have I seen a book in this specific format and I really liked it. Each chapter starts out with a deep discussion of the topic, whether that be finding your identity, service in the home or training. I found myself underlining and making notes in the margins (something I RARELY do) about things that struck a chord in me. After the discussion is a “Notes from the Author” where you get a glimpse into the author’s personal relationship and how the topic works and looks in their own relationship.

What I appreciate most about this book is that it’s not a “this is how it’s done book” where a more experienced person draws out the method and tells you that you have to do it one way and only one way. The author provides very down to earth advice and explanations, as if you are sitting across the table with them at a coffee shop. It’s a really welcoming way to present information. And to help the reader figure out how to put what they learned into practice, or just to reflect; each chapter has a reader participation section where you are asked questions on how you’d apply the information from the chapter into your own relationship or your own identity. I wish a lot more books helped the reader process what they read in this or similar fashion.

The chapters I chewed on the most were about service and training. These two words alone tend to make most people hesitate. It feels so formal, right? Well an M/s relationship doesn’t have to be formal to have elements of service and training. “Service, if it is done with an air of relaxation and normality, without hype or calling attention to it, can go relatively unnoticed. Done right, it won’t seem out of place” (pg 18). And it’s true. Much of what an M/s relationship looks like is a symbiotic dance of two people. It’s not theater and it’s not an attention-seeking play scene at a party. This book does a great job at placing the reality of M/s into everyday life and looking at it closely.

I would have loved a chapter or two from the slave in this relationship, sort of counterpoint to some of the topics, but that could just be my desire to find out more about myself as a slave and looking into the windows of another is always helpful. The book isn’t lacking for not having anything from the right of the slash, it is just a personal desire from what I think is a great book.

I really loved this book and while I took awhile reading it, the book wasn’t at fault. I wanted to digest every word and it inspired a few upcoming articles for the site too! I suggest that if you are interested in an M/s relationship that you pick up this book.

Product Details

lunaKM’s Rating: 9/10
Paperback: 164 pages
Publisher: lulu.com (April 29, 2015)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1329062213

Buy M/s for the Rest of Us by K.E. “Master Bear” Enzweiler now in Paperback from Amazon.com!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 16, 2016 07:00

Ethical BDSM Falls on Both Sides of the Slash

A few months ago, there was a thread started on Fetlife about ethical BDSM and it really caught my attention so I had to check it out. At this time there were only a handful of comments and every one of these comments had said something pertaining to the dominant being responsible for the relationship being an ethical one and this got the wheels turning in my head and it was one of those things I just couldn’t quite let go of.

I don’t have any statistics on this and I don’t know if there are even any kind of statistics on this out there, but usually when people start talking about abusive and manipulative partners in the lifestyle, it’s always the dominants that are being talked about. Yes, there are a lot of dominants out there who are abusive and manipulative. I’m not going to deny that. I unfortunately have been involved with some of those dominants. But, dominants aren’t the only people in the lifestyle who can be abusive or manipulative.

That’s right. Submissives and slaves can be just as abusive and manipulative as dominants can be. But unfortunately, that’s something that a lot of people don’t talk about. I have heard some horror stories about things that s-types have done to their owners to get what they wanted. While they may not be physically abusive towards their dominants, they can be verbally and mentally abusive and tell lies or trick their dominants into believing something that isn’t true. Not to mention how they can blow things out of proportion to others, making their relationship sound worse than what it really is. These are things that can be easily overlooked, because as we’ve all experienced at some point in our lives, it’s not always quite easy to spot manipulative individuals.

I can’t tell you the reason why most people in the lifestyle tend to talk more about the dangers of abusive dominants than the dangers of abusive s-types. I think maybe most people think of s-types being more vulnerable and prone to fall into the hands of an abusive individual and think that dominants, whether male or female, aren’t vulnerable people. Think about it, what words come to mind when you think of someone being dominant? I’m pretty sure that vulnerable isn’t one of those words. Plus, there is a long standing record, and not just in the lifestyle of those in power abusing said power.

The point I’m trying to make is that not just one individual can be responsible for making a relationship ethical. No matter what side of the slash you fall on, it’s up to all parties involved to be open and honest with each other, along with treating each other with respect and everything that goes along with that. One can not put the responsibility of having an ethical relationship on the shoulders of just one person. If you do, in my opinion, you’re giving yourself permission to act out in unethical ways. Remember, just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to have a relationship.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 15, 2016 07:00

How to Tell When That Online Training Dom is a Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 12-05-15

Online submission was and still is a very popular choice for many people, especially the novice submissive and the curious outsider. But it also attracts the not so honest people, the predators and those looking for the weak and vulnerable for their own selfish needs. And that’s why, if you wish to be an online submissive, you should know a bit about the personas you are going to encounter and how to handle sticky situations.

There are those who will say that online submission isn’t real submission because you aren’t face to face with the person and not actually doing anything for the Dominant directly. But, in my opinion, that is far from accurate. The majority of how we submit is in your head. It’s the mindset we keep and maintain. It’s the manner of submission and not the acts that make us submissive. Sure, it’s pretty darned impossible to fetch your partner a drink or have BDSM exchanges or sex with them physically. But sex too can be done completely in the mind.

It can be quite a rush to be a submissive to someone, even simply in an online venue. There’s nothing wrong with exploring when and where you can. Make sure you do it safely and adhere to your limits as you do so. Don’t take everything you see or hear as truth and read everything with a grain of salt. Even the articles here on Submissive Guide. It may not all line up for you – and that’s perfectly okay. As you figure out who you are and what you want from the BDSM world, you’ll rely less and less on what other people have to say on topics because you’ll begin forming your own opinions. And that must be your truth and your expertise. Always trust yourself first.

Now that I’ve given you a bit of a gloss over, if you want to read more about online submission there is a free* ebook called Making Your Online Submission Work For You and is a collaboration between myself and Jessica Elizabeth.

When you create a relationship that exists completely online or through technological means, you have to deal with the fantasy vs reality of it all. There are things that are complete fantasy and help to feed your mind and sexual center. But you also have things that can and do impact your real life. This line is one that can endanger you.

While it’s a small few, there are people who can threaten your sense of trust and your own emotions. These are the wolves of the online D/s world. These people appear to you as men and women who are looking for trainees or novice submissives. Often they will initiate contact and compliment you on your profile or try to impress you from the start. A Dom like this will often present themselves as a trainer of novices or a mentor. Someone you don’t know from Adam just can’t be your mentor (unless you are paying them to learn about you, such as a life coach).

I don’t believe in training from one Dominant to be “ready” for another. In my opinion, training is unique and special to each relationship. Also, much of what these wolves want to train you in are sexual in nature. Things like cyber play and orgasm control are not universal training needs. If you consider what this online wolf is asking of you as training, ask yourself if you’d be proud to put “lots of experience taking sexy selfies” on your resume to another Dominant. (Resumes are NOT required, this is just an analogy.)

Online training scams are everywhere and they are looking for novices who are new so that they can manipulate them into whatever they want for their own selfish gains.

Financial Domination

First, there are legitimate financial Dominants out there. This isn’t covering their services. The wolves we are covering here will use their role as your online Dom to try to get money from you. Often they will have money troubles and request help to pay bills or for a trip to come see you (that never happens). What makes this seem really fishy if you are paying attention is that they seem to be able to afford splurge items like new games or toys, but for some reason their bills are never paid. Steer clear of these wolves.

The most common scam that I’ve had people ask about in emails is a Dominant that requires the submissive to buy a kit of toys and tools for the Dom’s dungeon to use just for them before they will agree to meet them. The cost is in the thousands you are directed to send your money to their accountant. This is just silly. Who would buy a dungeon full of equipment for someone they have yet to meet? And, in my experience, a Dominant sets up their own dungeon and supplies most of the tools used. A submissive can carry a toy bag too, but it’s not required to buy stuff for the Dominant’s dungeon.

Wank Fodder

The largest group of wolves are there for sexual satisfaction. They feel that novice submissives are very impressionable and will do anything they ask because they want to please and serve. I know when I was brand new I wanted to do anything to make a Dom happy. Even if I wasn’t sure they were a Dom to begin with. And it’s okay to do if you just want to get off too. There’s nothing wrong with using each other for a bit of sexual satisfaction. But if you looking for a relationship you do not want to get tangled up with a wolf that is looking just for sex and play online. Wolves in this category won’t give you any information about who they are and what information they do give is vague or false. They will say that Dominants don’t have to share that information or that you have to earn it by doing something for them.

They will drop you like a hot potato when they’ve had their fill of you.

Stalking

Getting into the danger zone are the wolves who won’t take no for an answer. They pick and poke you to get anything they can. Begging for pictures, contacting you when you’ve told them to stop. Forcing you to take more drastic measures to get them to go away like blocking their number, changing your username/profile and it could get worse. It all depends on the amount of information you gave them when they were acting all sweet and loveable. Before they changed into a jerk you’d rather not deal with. Then they have all that ammo. If they have pictures and video of you (if you did any web cam with them, expect that it was saved), they could know your kids names, where you live and might even physically stalk you. This is dangerous and you should go to the authorities if you feel threatened at any time. Your sexual proclivities and BDSM exploration are nothing to share with the cops if this person is endangering you.

Blackmail

Stalking can lead to blackmail. If you don’t stay with them, give them that selfie, have sex with them they will release the information they’ve collected on you. This wolf is pure predator and calling the cops on them should be a first step. Fear is not a way to live and they breed fear and distrust.

A story that was told to me in email was of a Dominant who insisted that the submissive see a “friend” of his for training before she would be able to see him. This friend took pictures and video of them having rough sex and posted them all over the web when she went back to the Dominant and said that she didn’t want to ever see him again. He said he’s remove the pictures if she would be his slave.

Exercise Caution

The amount of wolves are few, but they do lurk around the places that legitimate people are also searching for their perfect mate. I’ve been a novice submissive exploring online, I know the lure of some of these Dominants can seem too good to pass up, but you should. Treat your search for a Dominant like dating. You get to know someone through dating before you accept their marriage proposal, right? Same goes for that ever-precious collar. Don’t accept one until you know you can trust this person with everything you are and everything you will become.

Explore safely and leave the wolves to lesser prey. You are a strong submissive. Use your knowledge and common sense to defrock the wolves before they get a chance to weave their web. If if feels off, listen to your gut and get out.

* The Online Submission ebook is a Pay What You Want Title. You can pick it up for free, or pay a fair price.

Thoughts to Ponder
What advice would you give someone who wishes to explore BDSM online?
How can you tell if the person behind the screen is trustworthy, honest and real?
Have you heard any news stories of people who met online but terrible things happened? What do you think could have been done differently to help prevent it?
Interesting Links
Run, Don’t Walk, part 1
Run, Don’t Walk, part 2
Doms vs. Female Abusers: Spotting Predators
A Field Guide to the Creepy Dom
Related Posts:
Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s Online
Male submission – Financial Domination
Your Responsibilities in Play – In and Out of a Relationship
10 Red Flags of Bad or Abusive Dominants
Ask lunaKM – Forced to Lose Weight, Snarky Submissives and Looking for Community

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 14, 2016 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Spring is coming! The weather is slowly changing here and I’m starting to leave the window open more often. The kitties are talking to and stalking the birds on the balcony and I’m so happy. This usually means the end of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and I might be able to finally improve my mood. And KnyghtMare has found a love of bowling, he’s in an amateur league and he has been going for practice weekly as well. I’m happy he’s found something to do that’s out of the house :P

Oh and remember, if you live in an area that participates in Daylight Savings Time, you should have moved your clocks ahead this morning!

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a monthyou can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Safewords Are Not “Safe Words”
Why SSC and RACK Are Both Important Safety Acronyms to Know by kallista
[Video Post] The Evolution of Submission or Why I’m Glad I’m Not the Submissive I Was Ten Years Ago

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask Submissive Guide: New Relationships and Body Image by Mrs. Darling

I’m hoping you can offer some advice to a newbie. I’ve met a Dom online, we had a first date (just lunch) and will be meeting again shortly to negotiate a contract. I have never ever done this before. I’m overweight and over 50. She is younger. I’ve been researching different things and find your site so very helpful. I am super self conscious about my weight and being nude in front of someone in any other position but flat on my back is unnerving to me. With that in mind I’m afraid I will be too inhibited to do all that she asks of me. Any advice?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

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Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: How to Tell If You Are With a Dominant or Just a Bossy Dick
In 2014: You Don’t Have to Be a Porn Star or Fashion Model to Participate in BDSM
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Being a large submissive
In 2012: Laney’s Top Ten Personal Hygiene Reminders by LaneyDoll
In 2011: Showing Face: Internet Photos and Privacy Protection by thisgirl

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What do you do if your trust has been broken?
Is it possible to live without doubts? Can doubts be a positive thing to have?
What are you thankful for in your relationship or with your partner? Pretend you are writing a thank you letter to someone you know in the Lifestyle.
How would you handle being outted in the vanilla world?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The People of Kink

TPOK Minicast 53 – Don’t Lose Yourself

9 Mar 2016, 6:00am GMT

→ The People of Kink

It’s important to know who you are as person first. Kink is this wonderful world of fun and sexy play. However we can’t forget who we are before kink. We all have personalities and things that make us who we are. The kink should be layer on top of that. We all love being kinky. I hope you don’t lose who you are at your core in the process of being kinky. Like the saying goes….I just gotta be me!

MP3 audio (15MB, 17min)

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 13, 2016 10:00

[Video Post] The Evolution of Submission or Why I’m Glad I’m Not the Submissive I Was Ten Years Ago

I’m not the submissive I was ten years ago. I’m someone different, someone more. It’s really hard to put a finger to exactly what makes me who I am today, but I am grateful that I’ve traveled this journey and progressed into what I feel is a more genuine me. And it’s not just that I’m older, but that does help, and it’s not that I have more experience in the D/s lifestyle, but that helps too. It’s that I’ve been able to really fine tune who I am and who I wish to become in the future. I am, in all confidence, the person I’ve always wanted to be.

That’s not to say that I’m perfect, because I’m not. And I’m not better than anyone else, because you just can’t compare individuals against others. But my submission has evolved and taken me to a place that I feel absolutely certain that I know who I am. It brings me joy.

In Those First Days

When I first learned about submission and BDSM, because I was definitely interested in masochism and kinky sex, it confused me. I was unsure about how it would all work and what my place as a submissive would be like. I was also single which does make being submissive a bit harder and it definitely makes exploring kinky sex downright impossible! But that uncertainty of misunderstanding terms and common vocabulary, of feeling that if I didn’t emulate all the other submissives I saw in a room that I was somehow not qualified to call myself submissive. I compared myself frequently to others. If I didn’t act, speak and behave exactly like them I thought I was doing it wrong. Asking others what role they thought I was confounded me more. So I labeled myself a masochistic bottom.

But boy did things change.

How My Submission Transformed

Once I learned that submission was about the self and about how serving someone and taking care of another was really all it was for me things became so much easier. It was like that light bulb going off above your head. I got it! The service of submission was beautiful to me and I wanted to find my own path to joy in it. I accepted that I was far from perfect and that I had bad habits that needed to be broken. I had recently entered into a relationship with a Dominant that expected great things of me and reinforced that the changes I sought out would be possible with his help and guidance. Within a few months I had stopped trying to be like someone else, and found that I was a floundering, broken soul that ached for purpose. I had been seeking submission through selfishness. And that was wrong. I needed to be a submissive who found happiness in the service of others. And deep down, I craved that more than anything.

It was a long hard road. I made mistakes, some small, some very large. I almost permanently damaged my relationship with KnyghtMare a few times in my growing process. But he was adamant that inside was the person I wanted to be and I had to just remove that shell. I’m sure that some of you can relate to the feelings of being trapped, of struggling to get somewhere but not knowing how to get there. It’s frustrating knowing you have a goal, you have set priorities but you just can’t figure out how to make them happen and what steps to take to get there. (I didn’t have a site like Submissive Guide back then.)

So I slowly evolved. I shifted from confused bottom to a submissive. I was happy for once in a very long time. I learned what it meant to be in service to someone and to serve with joy. I learned and embraced service and teaching. I gained self confidence about myself and who I am. I stayed content in the submissive role for years.

But then that too changed for me. Not everyone takes this path, but it fits me so perfectly now that I wonder why I waited so long. I embraced slavery. Terms and jargon aside, slavery was a click of a switch for me. Once I surrendered the idea that getting my way was necessary for my happiness, or that my Dominant couldn’t look out for me in all ways and I had to be my own protector I found slavery to be my calling. Again, not every submissive progresses or accepts the idea of becoming a slave. My personal journey lead me here, but yours could be a completely different path.

I’m not done changing. I don’t think I ever will be. But the point I’m trying to make for you is that submission isn’t stagnant. You will grow and evolve. If you feel that the submissive you are not doesn’t fit, then change it. If you feel you were meant for something more or something different then seek it out. Become the you that you are meant to be. And don’t stop until you are truly happy. Because then, all things are possible.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 10, 2016 07:00

Ask Submissive Guide: New Relationships and Body Image

Thank you Mrs. Darling for answering this reader’s question!

Dear Submissive Guide,

I’m hoping you can offer some advice to a newbie. I’ve met a Dom online, we had a first date (just lunch) and will be meeting again shortly to negotiate a contract. I have never ever done this before. I’m overweight and over 50. She is younger. I’ve been researching different things and find your site so very helpful. I am super self conscious about my weight and being nude in front of someone in any other position but flat on my back is unnerving to me. With that in mind I’m afraid I will be too inhibited to do all that she asks of me. Any advice?

Hello dear reader and thank you for sharing some of your fears so openly here, particularly one that is so shared amongst others.

I don’t know if it is ever really easy to present yourself in the nude to a new partner, is it? There is always a question of, “Are they looking at me funny? Judging me harshly? Not happy with what they see?” Add into that a D/s dynamic where there is the giving up of control, the sadistic partners, the potential of humiliation, etc and the task becomes even more daunting sometimes.

Here are a few tips for moving from sweating over this prospect to looking forward to sharing your body with a new partner.

1. Spend a few hours drafting your submissive resume, even if you don’t think you need it or will use it. This is a great way to build yourself up in your submission. As you write out everything you have to offer a Dominant, your concerns over not having a six pack can dissipate. I may not have the thinnest arms, but I give one hellova back rub! Start to see your worth as more than a number on a scale. Check out Developing a Submissive Resume

2. As you negotiate a contract with a Dominant, be exceedingly honest and clear about some of your insecurities. Consider making hard limits to include public and private humiliation, or whatever the root of your fears are. Part of the beauty of Power Exchange dynamics is the necessity for open and honest communication. Your new partner cannot properly lead you if they don’t understand what is going on inside your head. Honesty is sexy too. And a new partner listening and responding well to your insecurities is a great way to begin creating a mutual trust and respect.

3. Continue reading and researching your way into a healthy body image. Here is the Submissive Guide resource page on improving body image.

4. Now this may seem like a leap but hang in there with me: consider making a goal of playing in public, at a play party or private party or local dungeon. If the thought terrifies you, let me suggest that you attend an event first just to pay witness to all the perfectly imperfect Dominant and submissive bodies on display and how amazingly sexy they all are. Sexy as hell. Sexy in their connection, sexy in their bareness, sexy in their confidence. I notice the smiles, the moans, the eyes engaged in power exchange meeting, the kneeling, the embraces. Not whether they are carrying a few pounds extra or not. We’re just bones and meat. The other stuff is what matters.

When you feel ready to play in public, it can be intimidating at first, but it’s worth it. Because you have to fight past your body insecurities and lay them aside to properly connect with your Dominant. You need to give them all of your attention and in order to do that, you need to put aside everybody else. You suddenly stop caring about what anybody else thinks of you. All that matters is you and your Dominant. It’s truly an altering experience.

5. Lastly, do something about your body to make you feel good in your skin. It can be extra primping before a play session, hair grooming, new perfume/cologne, adding in some exercise for an energy boost. It’s about finding a way to love yourself first and then in turn offering up somebody amazing to a worthy Dominant.

Lastly, remember: if a good, quality Dominant picks you, well, let that be your guide. They see you and accept you… all of you…

It’s time for you to do the same.

Good luck and kind regards,

Mrs. Darling

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 09, 2016 07:00

Why SSC and RACK Are Both Important Safety Acronyms to Know

One of the biggest challenges that we face in the kinky community is the acceptance of kinks which do not align with our own. A group of individuals can bond over a shared desire to bend over someone over their knees and give him a good spanking, but introduce into that group an individual who enjoys hanging others by their ankles and cutting on them, and chances are someone in the group is going to throw some red flags onto the playing field. The conflict does not necessarily arise from the differing interests of the individuals involved, but rather from their interpretation of the rules of the community to which each of these individuals belong.

The mantra “Safe, Sane, Consensual” (SSC) is probably one of the first things that someone new to the scene learns. What’s the difference between being treated like a slave whose master can do anything to you, and being in an abusive relationship? The Master/slave dynamic is created within the perimeters of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” while an abusive relationship has no such limitations. Yet, herein lies the issue with the SSC philosophy: even the bog-standard Master/slave dynamic can permeate the realm outside of SSC.

Why SSC isn’t enough

Recently, I published an article on Submissive Guide called, “Keeping Your Voice” which advocates to new submissive in the scene that it is acceptable to have limits, and that, regardless of the perimeters of the relationship, a sub who feels unsafe or uncomfortable in a relationship is always free to advocate his/her needs or walk away from the relationship; the article received a lot of backlash from slaves in the community who argue that they are the property of their masters and they simply don’t have (and don’t want) the freedom I describe. Again, the issue here is not that I or the group of respondents was more or less correct than the other, but rather the perimeters of their relationships were not, to me, safe, sane, or consensual. To the respondents, however, the relationships they were in fit well within the confines of their philosophy of SSC.

Each of us has our limits, as Doms, as subs, as those who fit in between. The problem is that no one’s limits are going to perfectly a line with another’s, and therefore in each relationship that we embark on, we strive to push passed our limits, to grow into our roles, to find new interests and develop new levels of intrigue in old interests. Due to the ever-evolving nature of our own interests and limitations, the concept of SSC in itself is insufficient to describe even an individual’s expectations and limitations within the community. What I considered interesting and uninteresting five years ago is not necessarily what I consider interesting or uninteresting now. So, too, have my limitations shifted; my Dom has much more control over my life than she did when we began practicing BDSM or exploring the power exchange involved. I don’t recall speaking to anyone who has practiced for more than a year and hasn’t undergone some change of ideals in that time. This doesn’t make one’s past-self correct or incorrect, it simply means that one has developed a better understanding of his or her environment and interests.

As our interests and limitations will never perfectly a line with another’s, our experiences and the rate of our growth will also differ. So an individual who has never been spanked for erotic purposes might say to another: “Spanking doesn’t sound safe to me,” and the second individual might reply, “Oh, I’ve been spanked many times, and the worst that’s happened is a few bruises and a sore bottom, so it’s completely safe.” Likewise, a group of Doms who enjoy spanking, but are uncomfortable with handling knives might say, “Cutting on a submissive isn’t a safe thing to do,” while a Dom who works in the medical field might say, “These cuts are shallow, well placed, and will be dressed properly afterwards, my sub is very safe.”

Despite these differences, the delicate nature of our community requires that we strive to understand each other, even when our limits and interests do not align. Because of this, Safe, Sane, and Consensual, which is highly limited by our own opinions, interests, and limitations, is simply an inefficient description of what can be considered acceptable in the community. Therefore, in addition to understanding and utilizing SSC, we should also be aware of the philosophy of Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK).

What is RACK?

In its simplest form, RACK is the idea of being educated, communicative, and careful regarding your interests and their execution. Unlike SSC, which stands for three separate principles outlining a standard you can use to rule out interactions, RACK stands for two principles designed to give you the opportunity to move outside of your current comfort zones, into a place of interest.

The first phrase is “risk aware.” Generally, it’s taken to mean exactly what it sounds like it should mean: be aware of the risks you take in each scene. Are you tying weights to someone’s nipples? Be aware that you risk cutting off their circulation. Are you gagging someone? Be aware that this may impede that person’s breathing. Are you penetrating someone? Remember that in addition to STDs, it’s possible to pass allergens from one person to another through bodily fluids.

Knowing the risks doesn’t mean that you should necessarily be dissuaded from taking the action, but rather that you should be prepared to combat the risks in basic, but effective ways. Monitor the colour and temperature of the appendages being bound; prep your bottom about the best way to breathe when gagged (and remind him/her periodically throughout the scene); avoid eating those Brazil nuts at lunch if your partner is allergic, and use a condom during intercourse. By thinking about the risks of what you’re doing, and educating yourself on ways to neutralize or minimize those risks, you’re creating a safe environment for the activity to take place in. We do this every day outside of BDSM: we look both ways before we cross the street, we drink water before and after we exercise to keep ourselves from dehydrating, and we put on sunscreen when we go to the beach to minimize the risk of burning. It is our willingness to do these basic things that allow us to take risks and to enjoy ourselves. Likewise, the ability to assess risks in the moment and limiting yourself to actions you’ve prepared for can keep a scene within the realms of safe and sane. If you didn’t prepare the aftercare for a scene that included knife play, simply don’t embark on knife play in the middle of a scene because the whim its. If, however, you didn’t intend to include knife play in a scene, but your general aftercare kit includes the appropriate materials, including knife play spontaneously is a calculated risk.

The second phrase is “consensual kink” which should generally be taken to describe the attitude of the participants regarding the activities being invested in. By communicating our interests, we can find people who have similar tastes to our own, by explaining what we each desire, what our limitations are, and what we are willing to do in a particular scene (which should be treated differently than what we are willing to do in general) before embarking on a scene, we can create a consensual environment for each other.

How RACK works with SSC

Often times, those who address the philosophies of Safe, Sane, and Consensual seem to unintentionally indicate that an individual must follow either one or the other. The reality, however, is that they should be used in tandem, as separate, but complimentary terms to describe both your own position and the positions of others.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual can only truly be followed by individuals who have first considered Risk Aware Consensual Kink. After all, it is awareness of the risks involved: the research that an individual does, the practice and care that her or she puts in, and the forethought regarding the impact of each action on his or her partner that will make a situation safe or unsafe, sane or insane. It is the preparation, communication, and shared interests between interacting individuals that creates the air of consent and the joy of experiencing kink.

Ultimately, I like to think of the two in this way: any time you step outside of your safe-zones, the action requires extra awareness and communication of the risks involved; thus RACK is an appropriate guideline. Once you become familiar and comfortable with an activity, however, it can easily fall into what you would consider SSC.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 08, 2016 07:00

Safewords Are Not “Safe Words”

When we talk about safety we can’t avoid talking about safewords. Do you have a safeword? Do you feel safe having it? Need to go back and learn about safewords first? You can do so here.

We’ve developed a false sense of security around the “magic” of safewords. But let me tell you this: it will not keep you safe. That’s your job. They are not words of power. You can’t just wave your word at a Dominant and expect them to magically freeze in place. They only work as a communication device if, and only if, that person you’re playing with is trustworthy and respects boundaries. If not, safewords are useless.

Playing comes with dangers and risks. Making sure you are going to be as safe as you wish to be is up to you.

Whether the person you are playing with is new or not, having a conversation with them before you play is quite important. It not only allows you to share with them what you enjoy and don’t enjoy but to establish boundaries and start a sense of trust with them. Tell the Top your safe word. How they react will tell you a few things about how they feel about your need for safety.

If they say that they don’t play with safewords, kindly tell them that you can’t play with them then. Sure, playing without safewords is okay if you already know the person and trust them implicitly but you can’t say that about someone you’ve only watched or just encountered yourself. And tossing your safeword usually comes with a consensual decision between the parties involved. It’s never a sudden thing.

If they ask you what safewords are, I’d use that as an opportunity to teach them about that safety mechanism. Don’t assume that just because they are unfamiliar with terms that they are unsafe players. After all, you didn’t know what safewords were once upon a time either, right?

But more often than not, a Top is going to know what a safe word is and agree to your use of it. Just as long as you both know that it’s used as a communication tool first and foremost and that you rely on your intuition and common sense to know if you are really safe with this person before you allow them to put you under their mercy.

After all, they could agree to your safeword and then ignore it completely. So make sure the trust is there before you play.

By now you are probably wondering why you’d have a safeword if it can be ignored and I want you to please consider that it can and does protect you from harm if you play with someone who respects it. You can’t forget that the person most responsible for making sure you are safe in play is you. There are a couple of things you can do to protect yourself beyond a safeword.

Play at public play spaces or dungeons where others will be there too. These locations have monitors that are there to protect the safety of its attendees and if you use your safeword they are going to come to your aid if the Top you are playing with does not stop.
Don’t allow yourself to become overly vulnerable until you can trust your partner with that vulnerability. This could be as simple as not getting fully undressed, not allowing bondage or playing only with specific tools or time frames.
Use safe calls. A safe call is a life line outside of the play space. If you can’t check in with your life line they are to make calls to get you help. This is always a last resort but it can and does save people from dangerous situations.
Don’t play. Sure it sounds like an easy out, but if you have any sense of hesitation or question the person you are considering playing with, don’t play with them until you can clear up all of your hesitation and issues.

Safewords will only work if you know what else will keep you safe, keep an eye on yourself and protect your ass.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 07, 2016 07:00