Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 32

D/s with Family Around

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Perhaps one of the most challenging decisions we face as a parent is what we should tell our children, when and how much. By choosing to live within the D/s or BDSM lifestyle the normal sexual issues exist with the addition of this serious added component.

It is important that we do not impose upon our children ‘undue influence’ to in some way persuade them into a position of agreeing with our personal choices in any manner or form. It is equally important that we consider and think about what it is we would like for them to understand in order for them to better understand us and the possibilities of their world as a whole.

It is improper to make or consider any ‘attempt’ to ‘make’ or direct our children into a ‘next generation’ D/s family. We, as adults, are willing to fight to protect our personal right to free and open choices in the decisions we take and the pathways we follow. We should equally protect our childrens rights to follow the pathways that they desire in their life without any reverse judgment on our part.

The tools that children need to move forward into the world with a positive and open thought process are not in any way altered by whom their parents are and how their parents choose to live their intimate lives.

It is absolutely essential that we teach ‘through our actions’ the fundamental basics of human DIGNITY. Regardless of your ‘position’ or role within your intimate relationship you MUST present your belief and RESPECT in and for your partner to your children. You must present total support for them. Trust in them and be willing to express in the presence of your children your deep personal affection through loving touches and actions to and with your partner. Express your pleasure and joy in being WITH your partner!

These are the crucial tools and messages that we teach our children about how to interact in relationships with other people and how to love. When your child asks you a specific ‘sexual’ question you should answer that child without any sign of embarrassment (which will convey there is something wrong) in language appropriate to your child’s age exactly and no more than your child asks to know. You should provide examples of various types of relationships to show your children that many exist and that those types are just choices the individual makes AS an adult. This should be done in a natural way by inviting friends to dinner etc. Children begin learning about their world, life and even sex from the moment they emerge into the world. They layer information on top of information as their curiosity and interest grows in any one area.

You SHOULD refrain from all overt demonstrations of D/s in the presence of your children and remember that such an open display violates their rights. Your child, as you, must exist in many worlds at the same time. Maintenance of their ego stability through actions which will not make them the unwarranted subject of humiliation and shame by their peers is part of your parental duties. Keep your toys locked up and out of plain view. Do NOT have either parent use ‘ornamental’ scene language in the presence of ANY children “such as the addressing of a spouse as Master, Sir, Mistress, Ma’am” Usage of this language can serve to embarrass the child and the parent and may indicate a disrespect for the parent before or in the view of their children which MUST not occur. Parents are of EQUAL rank and should be obeyed equally by the children.

Children can listen to sounds and ‘be afraid’ that something bad is happening. If your house is not acoustically paneled and you scene inside the house (in privacy) then your children are or will hear sounds. At some point if your child is having difficulty relaxing in the night when sounds most often occur, you may decide to sit down with that child (together) and tell that child that you (parents) enjoy being with each other at night and sometimes play games that make lots of strange sounds. You should tell them that it is just part of how you, as a couple, express love and that other people express love in other ways. None being more right or wrong than any other. Do remember to encourage privacy of your acts by LOCKING your door. Note: If you or your partner are ‘unhappy’ or ‘afraid’ this TOO will communicate to your children and may create a deep atmosphere of fear and anxiety.

D/s is NOT about abuse or physical retribution from one partner to another. If YOU are being struck in ANGER or struck with an INTENT to cause you pain and injury then your relationship is NOT Consensual but ABUSIVE.

A child should never see one parent strike another. NEVER. When you have an argument you should decide in advance how to address such a conflict. If you take your discussion to the dining table (when no meals are present) and engage in a ‘conversation’ with your spouse about the issue and possible solutions. Then you are inviting your children to ‘listen in’ on the problem solving process. You should avoid ANY placement of blame but consider issues that disturb the family to be simply problems to be solved. It is appropriate to apologize if it appears your part in the problem was in error and if you ‘feel’ this to be true. Retain your composure and if necessary schedule the solution session when you carry no personal ‘heat’ or anger about the incident or issue involved. Remember that viable solutions come from all sources and genuinely seek the advice and counsel of your mate. At the conclusion when the problem has led to a possible solution you can consider the sharing of say a dessert and coffee with your partner. This type of activity reassures your children that problems are solvable and that solving them does not need to threaten the relationships of anyone.

If a child finds a play toy you should not lie to them. It is important to remember that the action of lying will remain with them and lead to a lessening of trust in you. Keep it simple. Tell them that it is just an adult toy.

By not making sexual topics ‘secret’ or mysterious they lose much of their glamour, especially for younger children. Most children find the activities of adults boring and often they really ‘don’t want to know’.

It should be the consideration of all parents to pay attention to the development of their children and to recognize that your children will hear about sex and sexual activities from a myriad of sources outside of you and your home. Sexual explorations can begin at a young age and though we may wish to keep our children ‘innocent’ we should always act to protect them from harm by proper education of the dangers inherent in ANY activity. It IS appropriate to have detailed conversations with your child at around the age of puberty about safety during sex and the diseases and problems which safe sex protects them from. If you don’t know the basics of safe sex yourself ALL library systems have numerous books designed specifically for the use of parents with their children. Children will view your action to educate them as an expression of love and concern for their safety. If YOU consider it serious – so will they if that trust and respect in you and your opinion is sound.

Educate your child with factual data or other people will educate them with rumor. Do NOT make sex or sexual issues any more or less important than any OTHER facet of maturity. It is a part of natural human existence and is merely something each of us needs to learn to manage and enjoy safely.

Remember that safe sex changes as new products become available and new diseases emerge to threaten each of us. It is appropriate for each of us to take a refresher course from time to time to ensure the health of ourselves and those we love.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 04, 2016 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Play with Chronic Illness, What Resources Are There?

Dear lunaKM,

I’m a sub and out of the game because a year or so after my husband and I married, I developed Lupus and have dealt with chronic pain ever since, especially in my joints. I know the difference between good pain and bad pain, so is there a way we can restart our B-D relationship or would it be unwise to do so? If you think we can proceed with caution, do you know of any resources I can tap into? I know this is a very strange question… I just don’t feel completely fulfilled without our old relationship. Thank you for your time and patience.

– Sub in Chronic Pain

Dear Sub in Chronic Pain,

I’m glad you are taking steps to find out if it’s safe for you to play with your illness, but the BDSM community and resources are not where you will get your best answers based on your particular situation. Your doctor is the person you need to talk to in order to get the best advice for your situation. I know it can be scary telling your doctor that you are kinky, but many won’t even bat an eyelash at it. You may not even need to be specific about it.

“Doc, my husband and I like to get a bit more intense and kinky in the bedroom and I’d like to make sure my body can handle the added stress. Could you help advise me or direct me where I can get information?”

Sure they may ask you what sorts of activities you do and as long as you remain clinical instead of vulgar you’ll come to realize that most, if not all, doctors have heard it before.

If you want to start your research, the site Positivity in Pain looks like it’s pretty good. I can’t say personally, but the few articles I read before I wrote this response were great. Here’s a few articles that might help you prepare for your talk with your doctor.

Chronic Kinks: Living a BDSM Lifestyle with (unwanted) Pain

A few resources on kink and chronic pain

Once your learn what your body can do and how to use it safely you can begin to explore and try to play again. Good luck.

–lunaKM

PS: Anyone else know of any resources for Sub in Chronic Pain?

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 02, 2016 07:00

Book Review: 31 Flavors of Kink by Leia Shaw and Cari Silverwood

I’ve done a lot of non fictional book reviews lately on Submissive Guide and it’s been awhile since I’ve done a fictional BDSM book review. While I do have several I want to do, this one in particular grabbed my attention and then caused my attention to start jumping up and down and screaming “Write about this book NOW!”. I’m not exaggerating about this either. 31 Flavors of Kink by Leia Shaw and Cari Silverwood(If those names sound familiar it’s because they’re two of the co-authors on several of the books in the Badass Brats series) is completely unlike any fictional BDSM book that I have read. While most BDSM fictional novels do tend to be erotica, that’s not the point of this book, but I’ll get into that a little later.

31 Flavors tells the story of Sidney and Nick. They’ve been married for five years and love each other deeply, but things in the bedroom aren’t so great. Because of something that happened in her past, Sidney hates having sex. It’s painful and uncomfortable for her and she does what she can to not have it.

But what she does love are the steamy BDSM eroticas that are sold at the bookstore she works at and fills her e-reader. She finds herself lost in fantasies that include elements of dominance and submission and other fun things that are found in between the pages. She’s terrified to mention this to her husband out of fear of what he’ll think and what it may do to their marriage.

Sidney is frustrated with the current status quo of their sexual relationship, desperately wanting to change things for the better in the bedroom so she musters up the courage to share her fantasies with her husband and he agrees to introduce kink into the relationship and see how things go. Will BDSM be what Sidney and Nick need to improve their relationship or will it be what causes things to end?

What I love about this book is that it’s based on a true story. I did not know this until I came to the end of the book(The copy I got had a different cover on it). What I also love about this book is that it lets other people out there who are struggling to introduce kink into their relationships know they are not alone. I also see this book as being a great way to introduce your partner to kink. Yes, there are some steamy scenes, but this is real life. Not some erotica novel where everything tends to be nice and shiney and can tend to be a bit overwhelming, but two people trying to fix something that is broken in their relationship. It shows these people there will be ups and downs and mistakes, but things like that can be worked through as long as both partners involved are serious about making the effort. I can’t say enough good things about this book. It’s like no other fiction kink book that I’ve read and for me, feels like a breath of fresh air and covers a topic that a lot of people are scared to talk about.

You can buy your copy of 31 Flavors of Kink on Amazon and Smashwords today.

Book Information:

Tequila R’s Rating: 10/10

Language: English

Page Count: 142

ASIN: B012QYNYBO

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 01, 2016 07:00

Things That Hinder You Getting to Know People At a Munch and How to Overcome Them

for the Submissive Guide Newsletter 9/12/15

I talk about going to munches as a good first step into the lifestyle and there’s certainly a lot of good that can come from that. But when you are already nervous or shy, having a negative experience will make you feel like it just wasn’t worth it or that you don’t fit in. When in fact, the problem lies in the group itself or maybe even the location. So, here are a few of the common issues with munches that you can either adjust to or at least work around to try to make your nervous butt feel better at a munch and meeting people for the very first time.

If you are a munch coordinator, you might want to consider if any of these things are hindering new people from attending or returning to your group.

Space is too small

Munches are meant for mingling and getting to know people. If you have everyone sardined into their chairs and crowded tables with no room to walk behind others then that will limit interaction. New people will feel penned in and if they happen to not click with the people they are stuck between, may not return. I know I’ve been uncomfortable in tight surroundings and it it really ruined my enjoyment of being with other like-minded people.

A new person who is nervous or shy is going to feel very overwhelmed with the closeness of people. So if you attend a munch and the venue is just too small for the people who attend, you best tactic is going to be to find somewhere to sit that has a bit of breathing room, most likely near the door or a hallway. It will feel just a bit less cramped that way and if you have to, you can bail early.

Space is too large

Of course, if the space can be too small it can be too large also. Cavernous spaces where 15 attendees can get swallowed by the space are going to do a few things to your group and to the new people who attend. First, it’s going to feel like the event is under-attended. What happened to the 25 other people who you expected, one might ask. Is the group that bad that people don’t want to come? Certainly not the impression you want to give a new person. If you do have a large space, bring the tables and chairs together as a unit and encourage people to sit in a central area.

If you attend a munch and the room is huge for the few people who are there, try to sit with the larger group of people. You don’t want to go sit on your own, no matter how nervous or shy you are. You’ll have a better time if you can talk to people and the attendees will feel more like chatting to someone who sits near them than someone who is a wall flower.

Space is not private enough

A lot of munches use public places to gather and meet; from restaurants to coffee shops and bars. If you can’t get a semi-private or private room and are meeting among the general public, then new people will feel less like talking at all. After all, kink is likely a secret, and definitely not something you want innocent bystanders overhearing. And worse yet, what if their next door neighbor sees them sitting with these new people and starts getting nosy? Sure it’s hard to find free private places to host munches. Often the cost comes out of the host’s pocket unless a collection can be made during the munch. But it’s worth it in many cases where privacy is favored.

If you enter a munch gathering and they are sitting mixed in with the general public you can consider not attending if you think you might be discovered. If you want to stick it out, keep your discussion vanilla and your voice at a volume for the people just around you.

Poor visibility of everyone

The last munch I attended was in a restaurant’s private room. That was well and good, but the tables were set up like normal restaurant seating. So seeing other people meant craning my neck around, turning in my chair to say “hi” to the people with their back to me and overall was not conducive to chatting with anyone but the 2 other people at my table. Hosts should reorganize the seating to maximize mingling and visibility of everyone.

As a new person this is very intimidating and doesn’t reflect well on the connected feeling a support group should have. It encourages clique building and a new person can’t compete with that and will feel alone in a sea of people. So, if you enter a munch and the tables aren’t set up in a way you can easily see people, try to sit somewhere in the middle of the largest mass of people. That way you will have several options for conversation and your nerves may be high, but at least you won’t be stuck talking to the one guy who only wants to brag about how many ladies he’s spanked.

No encouragement to get up and mingle

Nothing hurts a group more than gluing your butt to the chair you start out in and only talking with the few people near you. The rest of the group is practically ignored and you don’t get to meet what could be a very interesting person. As a host, you should encourage mixing and mingling when food isn’t being served. Make sure you introduce yourself to new people, chat casually with the returning members and if you see cliques forming, ask if they can’t spread out a bit for part of the munch. It might seem silly but even asking people to make a point to introduce themselves to someone they don’t know during the evening can help move people around and out of their seats.

Going to a munch where no one moves around and no one talks to you can feel isolating and unwelcome. But if you can make a point to say hi to one person it might help you feel more welcome. And if you make that person someone across the other side of the room you at least have tried to break your fears and meet someone you didn’t sit next to when you entered.

Select few dominate the conversations

It’s great when people want to chat and converse about kink things at a munch. It feeds the curious and helps share information to those less experienced. But if the same people are talking each and every munch and the information they share never really changes it can make the munch feel stale and boring. Especially if one or all of the people are grating, too overt, loud or obsessed with just one topic. Munch groups that can share the spotlight with many of its members work out a lot better and even if some of the people are quieter or less informed doesn’t make them any less valuable – and value is a good thing to a support group.

New people need to feel welcome and that their thoughts, questions and opinions matter. Asking questions and asking for input from new people will help them feel welcome and that even if they don’t know the answer they will feel valued as an added member to the community.

Overt PDA making others uncomfortable

Often, people can get a bit handsy at munches. I don’t know if it’s the atmosphere, the alcohol flowing or the conversation but there are instances of groping, ass slapping and flashing that can go on at munches that could (and often do) make new people uncomfortable. This is inappropriate at the best of times and downright illegal at the worst. The hosts of munches I’ve been to rarely deter this interaction either. Especially if it’s happening within a known committed relationship couple. And even then it shouldn’t be allowed. Sure you are in a private room at a public place, but at any moment that private room could be opened to onlookers such as the servers, wait staff or management. We need to learn to act accordingly. Play parties are better places for overt PDA, not munches.

As a new person, approaching the host when you see something like this happening that is making you uncomfortable is your best course of action. Perhaps they just need someone to bring it to their attention for them to notice it as unusual behavior. Then again, if THEY are the ones engaging in it – you might be best suited to find a different munch group.

In all these issues, there are far more good things that come out of munches and I hope that I have not discouraged you from trying your local groups and seeing for yourself if you can make a few friends, learn some new things or feel more welcome exploring your kinks. If you’d like to find the munch scene where you are, check out FindaMunch.com.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 29, 2016 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

This weekend has been lovely. The weather has been very spring-like and I’ve spent it with KnyghtMare. He’s really gotten into bowling, enough to buy his own ball, so we’ve been at the lanes learning and practicing his approach and throws. And if you are wondering, I can’t safely play since I have Carpal Tunnel on both wrists. What about you? What’s your weekend been like? Let me know in the comments!

Book Club Event – “Enough to Make You Blush” by Princess Kali We are in week three of our book club and are reading chapters 15-end. Make sure you stop by the post and share your thoughts on the book and ask questions for the author! Princess Kali will be available in the comments to answer your questions and respond to comments.

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
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Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

How I Started a Simple Protocol, and How You Can Too!
5 Myths About Submissives and Submission by Kayla Lords
Simply Service e-Zine: February 2005
[Video Post] Beginning BDSM: Using Safewords for Safe Play

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Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

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This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

Submissive Rules

This one is by member request:

What do you think of lists of rules for submissives? Do you think it makes life easier? More difficult?

What do you think of a submissive requesting punishment from their Dominant?

Thoughts?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: Book Review: The Dom with a Safeword-The Badass Brats by tequilarose
In 2014: Book Review – Becoming a Slave by tequilarose
In 2013: How Do I Know What I Like? I’m Brand New
In 2012: Review: Tickle My Tush: Mild-to-Wild Analplay Adventures for Everybooty
In 2011: Review: Partners in Power

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Write a submissive pledge for yourself. Make sure you write about only things you can control within yourself.
What skill would you most like to learn to enhance your service?
“The paradox is that the needs of the master are not, in fact, superior to the needs of the submissive. Rather, they share equal importance.” – Kacie Cunningham
Are you an exhibitionist? Does your body image affect how you feel about being exposed in public?
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Featured Podcast of the Week – Poly Weekly
PW 468: Talking to one partner about another partner

25 Feb 2016, 2:00pm GMT

→ Polyamory Weekly

When is it OK to vent about one partner to another partner? Email polyweekly@gmail.com, call 802-505-POLY, Twitter @polyweekly or visit www.polyweekly.com or www.facebook.com/polyweekly

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Published on February 28, 2016 10:00

Enough to Make You Blush – Subguide Book Club Week 4: Ch 15-End

Welcome to the final week: Today through March 3rd.

Read and discuss Chapters 15-End

There are a lot of new and interesting activities in this reading section! I admit to enjoying a few of them *blush*.

If you’re here, you have read to the end or are currently reading it!

Please go ahead and start (or continue) the conversation! Remember to come back to continue to respond to others who comment throughout the week (and month)! Write as much or as little as you please, and don’t forget to link your own blog if you have one!

Think about what you read and reflect on the activities!

This is also the time to share your overall review of the book and how it works as a resource. What was done well? What could have been done better? Tell it all!

Haven’t finished this week’s reading yet? Come back when you’re done and join in the conversation!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 26, 2016 08:00

[Video Post] Beginning BDSM: Using Safewords for Safe Play

Continuing the video series on Beginning BDSM we are going to talk about safewords. So, in this series so far we’ve talked about how to define your kink, looking for a partner and staying safe. So, perhaps you’ve found someone you’d like to develop a kinky relationship with and are ready to explore play. You need a safeword. What.. you don’t know what that is? Well let me help you out. A safeword is a word or phrase used during play or D/s scenes to alert your partner to a problem. This could be a need to adjust position, or that you’ve reached your pain tolerance and need to slow down or stop altogether. A safeword is how you can protect yourself with a trusting partner. If you use your safeword, make sure you take care of each other afterwards; it can cause a sudden drop in emotions and adrenaline. And don’t feel bad, you aren’t a failure if you need to use it, you are exercising your personal responsibility.

What Makes a Good Safeword?

A good safeword is a word or phrase that is uncommon during play and easy to remember. Some of the easier safewords happen to be you or your partner’s full name, a color system like the Stoplight system, where you use red for full stop, yellow or amber for slow down or check in and green for go go go (rarely used)! I’ve known a few people to use “mercy” as a pretty good safeword too. If you are going to be gagged you should also have a non-verbal option such as grunting “I’m a little teapot” or shaking keys or using a thumb clicker used in pet training.

Bad safewords are words used commonly in the midst of the scene. You might wonder why people don’t just say “stop” as their way to get the scene to stop, but if you’ve ever moaned, “don’t stop” or playfully begged your partner to “please stop” but not really meant it then you can see the issue. That word shows up on the midst of a scene and it means different things. The same rule applies to “no,” “don’t,” and “I give up.” Your safeword has to come easily to your lips and be so out of place that your partner can come out of their headspace to deal with and process it.

When to Discuss Safewords with Your Partner

You should discuss the use of a safeword before you wish to play; ideally during negotiation for what play you are going to do. Safewords can mean different things to each person, so make sure you are on the same page as far as when they might be used and how your partner will respond to them. For example, someone who might use the stoplight system could use “yellow (amber)” to simply call for a check in, or someone else might interpret “yellow” to mean change what you are doing now or I’m close to my limit. So make it clear what your safeword means and if you have a tiered system, what each word means. Oh and while it may seem silly at first, Dominants need a safeword too. While they are often in control of the play, when they stop because they are at their limit, physically, mentally, or they pulled a shoulder muscle they should safeword. That way, both of you understand each other’s limits during that particular session.

If the Dominant doesn’t bring up safewords, you should. If a new partner says they don’t play with safewords, then I highly suggest you not play with them. Not playing with safewords is more for longer term relationships and for committed partners. Never agree to forgo your safety to appease someone else.

How to Use Your Safeword Responsibly

Using your safeword is often treated as shameful and distrusting of your partner, but that is far from the truth. Using your safeword when it’s needed is looking out for yourself and respecting your partner who gave it to you to use. Alright so we’ve got it clear that you should use your safeword, but when? When should you use it?

A safeword is used when you can’t take another moment of whatever is going on, be it flogging or spanking, bondage or humiliation play. You’ve hit a limit and need to broadcast that. Or if the position you are in or the bondage you are in gets drastically uncomfortable (what bondage is completely comfortable?) then you may need to call a halt to deal with it, or end the scene if there might be a medical issue to manage.

And speaking of medical issues; if at any point you feel light-headed, nauseated, dizzy, a sudden headache or faint, please use your safeword! These are indications that your body needs help. Often it means dehydration or low blood sugar, even if you aren’t diabetic, but it could be something far worse. Stopping play and resuming later is smarter than passing out on your partner!

You can misuse a safeword if you try to use it to drive the scene or control what your partner is doing. For example. you really don’t like to tool they are spanking you with. It’s not pushing your limits but you just don’t enjoy it. You have two choices, you can use your words to ask them to switch to something else, or you can end the scene completely and use your safeword when your limits haven’t actually been reached, you just didn’t like that tool choice.

Please keep in mind that if you are playing with someone you don’t trust, then you can’t trust them to heed your safeword either. Play responsibly.

I hope you’ve picked up a few tips to using safewords and have selected a word you’d like to use as your emergency stop during scenes. Make sure all your partners are aware of it’s importance and don’t be afraid to use it if it’s needed.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 25, 2016 07:00

Simply Service e-Zine: February 2005

Last month I shared with you the first edition of an e-Zine that I loved when I first found submission and I’m continuing the re-run today with February’s issue.

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

February edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2005.

February 2005

Download Now!

Contents
Living Authentically- spirituality, presence, intention and more
Serving While Sick - Understanding the balance with service and chronic illness
A is for Alpha - One household’s hierarchy and responsibility for the Alpha position
The Symbology of Ritual: Bedtime Preparation and Inspection
My Favorite Teacher - slave a’s lessons and understandings taken from Mother Theresa.
Earned Respect or Proper Manners? Examinations of current societal constructs and how they influence what we see as manners from everyday to truly power exchange related.
Jen Campbell is back with a primer on bed linen mysteries, creating decadent atmospheres and caring for them within any budget. Love Pratesi. Shop Target.

You will need a PDF reader to view the newsletter and you can get it for free from Adobe.com.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 24, 2016 07:00

5 Myths About Submissives and Submission

Whether you’re brand new to this thing we call BDSM (especially Dominance and submission) or you’ve been around a while, no doubt you’ve heard a few things that make you go, “Hmmmm? Really?”

Today, let’s talk about the different myths surrounding submissives and submission. Some may surprise you.

Myth 1: Submissives are weak.

Take it from the woman who was a single mother with zero child support, and still made a career for herself before meeting my Daddy Dom, most submissives are anything but weak. Be it in our vanilla lives with careers and kids to raise or sick parents to help or in our kinky lives with our ability to allow someone else to lead, control, and command, we are many things, but rarely is one of them “weak.”

Myth 2: Submissives don’t want responsibility. They just want someone to take care of them.

Does this happen? Are there relationships built around submissives who simply want to be told what to do and never think for themselves? Yes, absolutely. Is that the norm? I don’t think so. Actually submissives take on plenty of responsibility – and we accept the responsibilities given to us from our Dominants: keeping our home clean, cooking meals, running errands, remembering all of our Dominants likes and dislikes, anticipating their needs, doing every task they give us without being reminded, and about a million other things.

Quite frankly, I work harder on a day-to-day basis as a submissive than I ever did in my vanilla marriage. Of course, the rewards are much greater so it’s worth it, but submissives definitely take on plenty of responsibility.

Myth 3: To be submissive, you have to be a masochist.

Wrong, wrong, so freaking wrong. Some submissives are masochists and enjoy pain, while others aren’t but will do things to please their Dominants. But if you truly do not enjoy pain and don’t want to deal with it even for the sake of a Dominant’s pleasure, that’s okay. You’re still submissive, and in case you wondered, there are plenty of Dominants out in the world who aren’t sadistic, either.

Myth 4: Submissives shouldn’t have their own opinions.

What?! Are you kidding me? If I don’t have my own opinion, how will my Dominant know what I like or don’t like? How will he know if what he’s doing to me feels good or doesn’t or if it’s something we should try again? Of course submissives have opinions, and yes, we are allowed to share them. The difference is that how we share our opinions may be dictated by our D/s relationship – maybe we have a specific time of day, maybe we keep a journal, maybe we have the freedom to say what we need to say as long as we’re respectful. But we most definitely have opinions and should have the ability to share them.

Myth 5: All submission is sexual.

False! Yes, many of us enter D/s relationships with a Dominant, and we marry them or live with them, and there’s a sexual nature to our relationship. Many of the kinks that make me feel most submissive are definitely sexual. But not all D/s relationships are sexual, and not all submissive acts are sexual. When I make my Daddy Dom’s coffee in the morning, I promise you, it’s not a turn on. It’s one of those things I do to please him and because he wants me to do it, but I’m not experiencing sexual pleasure from the act. Instead, for me, it’s satisfaction of knowing I’m taking care of him and serving him – and a feeling of impatience because I really want to make my cup of coffee, too.

The next time you hear something that doesn’t sound right about D/s, especially submission, or you start wondering if you’re weird or not doing submission right, just remember that a lot of what people assert as “real” or “true” submission is just a myth.

If you are interested in more BDSM myths, check out All Female Submissives are Bisexual and Other BDSM Myths!

Feel free to share the myths about submission you’ve heard in the comments below!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 23, 2016 07:00

How I Started a Simple Protocol, and How You Can Too!

I didn’t always consider myself a slave with protocol. I’ve been with KnyghtMare for over 10 years and it’s been a journey of discovery the whole way. The idea of protocol and ritual to enhance our relationship came about in fits and starts, in small suggestions and ideas but it has grown. And that’s the best way to go about making changes to your dynamic that could be the best thing you’ve ever done.

Small changes allow for seeing what will work and what won’t before being overwhelmed with a lot of things to remember. You can’t really identify what went wrong when you’ve just added 10 new rules and just as many protocol additions. But when you’ve added just one or two things and have found something that doesn’t fit well, you can easily pinpoint it, discuss it together and then change or remove it. Trial and error works best this way.

For KnyghtMare and I, some of the protocol we do was suggested by me and enhanced by him. I’d read something in a blog or discussion forum and bring it to his attention that I wanted to try it out. He’d either agree or disagree with it. If he agreed then we’d discuss how it would work for us and what it would look like. Nothing was ever decided willy-nilly.

For example, you likely have already read about my ritual surrounding fetching his coffee (need link), but I have another protocol that has developed over time as well that has become one of our favorites.

KnyghtMare’s office is off limits for me. It’s his space. So I wanted to make it special when I did enter. It started out simply as knocking and asking to enter. I couldn’t cross the threshold without his permission. After some time, he added that I had to be dismissed too. So I am to stand at attention until he says, “you are dismissed.” He remembers most of the time, but sometimes I am left standing while he continues whatever he was doing. I’ve been known to clear my throat to get his attention. But I’m also one to forget he has dismissed me already and continue standing there – distracted by what he’s doing on the computer or watching on TV. Neither of us are perfect but when it works, it feel right.

Later, we added something new. It seemed silly that if he called me into his office to fetch something that I ask to enter after I’ve already been given permission so with that in mind we came up with me bowing from the waist at the threshold; acknowledging he’s given me permission already and still showing respect for his private space. A couple of times he’s mentioned that is his favorite part and wishes he had a mirror to watch behind him when I do that. Perhaps his next office will be oriented in a way he can see the door, just for that purpose.

As you can see from my example, the protocol took something simple; entering a room, and made it unique and more formal. It made it special to us. We also didn’t start with something complex and hard to remember. That’s the beauty of it. Protocol isn’t lovely to see because it’s complex, it’s lovely to see because it takes something so simple and makes it special.

Videos and Posts about Protocol on Kink Academy (affiliate links)

Ideas for D/s Protocol: Sexy and Pragmatic by Sinclair Sexsmith - Sinclair Sexsmith talks more about the idea of a healthy D/s relationship in regards to setting up protocols. They start with the sexy in this clip, such as lingerie, erotic talismans, and the like.

How to Start a New Protocol by Sinclair Sexsmith - What’s the best way to implement a new ritual or task into a D/s relationship? Sinclair Sexsmith breaks it down for you in this clip. The process involves a trial period, a check-in, and then more evaluation to make sure that the new protocol is nurturing the power exchange dynamic and also can be sustained.

Protocol by Princess Kali - There are many different traditions of protocol and Princess Kali is here to share some of the ‘Kink Academy Standards’ including; tone of voice, addressing a Dominant, and phrases to use to communicate with-in the ‘scene’. These protocols are a good starting point for both submissives and Dominants to establish a more personalized standard.

What simple actions do you do that you could make special? Think about it for a moment and then share it in the comments, I’d love to know what you come up with!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 22, 2016 07:00