Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 28

Feeling Like a Failure as a Slave

Dinner time at our house is 6 PM. In my opinion, it’s like the perfect time. Not too early, gives Daddy and I a couple of hours to catch up on our TV shows or to watch a movie and afterwards gives us time to do our own thing before bed. I’m usually very good about having dinner done before six, but there are times where that doesn’t happen.

The other night, I made baked spaghetti. It’s one of Daddy’s favorites. As I was shredding the cheese to put on top right before popping it in the oven, I asked Daddy what time it was. He told me it was 6:18. 6:18!! I found myself standing there thinking how did this happen. I had no idea how I had let time get away from me. From the living room Daddy told me to calm down, that it wasn’t a big deal, and that I’m not a failure. Daddy knows very well how my mind works because I have this thing where if I mess up, and I don’t even have to mess up, I don’t know how to really describe it, but I start feeling like I have let Daddy down and that I am a failure as a slave.

Before I go any further I want to clarify that Daddy hasn’t done or said anything to make me feel this way if things don’t go as planned. This is one of those things that is totally on me.

I know I’m human. Since I am human, that means I’m going to make mistakes. There is nothing I can do to change that. I will never be perfect, no matter how hard I try. Something that I have always been working on, and probably will be working on until the day I die is that if I make a mistake, it isn’t the end of the world. If dinner is a little late, if I accidentally run out of something(very rarely happens, but it does!), or forget to run an errand, the world is not going to start crumbling around me, but it feels that way. Especially when it’s something for Daddy.

I hate the idea of letting Daddy down or Him be disappointed in me. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I’m pretty sure a lot of s-types out there will agree with that. When I feel like that, I know I just wanna find a hole to crawl in and stay there for a while until the self loathing stops(because honestly, that’s kinda what it really is, at least for me). Something else I’ve noticed about myself when I make mistakes is I have a tendency to then hyper focus on the mistake I made which then means I lose focus of a lot of other stuff and then tend to make even more mistakes which then starts spiraling out of control. When this starts to happen, I find myself having to take a step back and center myself.

I know, believe me I know how terrible it is to feel like a failure and how easy it is to focus on the mistakes(if you’re like me, you tend to see yourself as failing, maybe not a huge failure, but you still see it as a failure) you’ve made. But you can’t focus on the mistakes you’ve made. The best thing you can do is to learn from your failings. Okay, you screwed up. Take a moment to see how and why you messed up and learn from that. You also need to realize that just because you failed at something, doesn’t make YOU a failure. You are NOT your mistakes. I do know this is something that’s easier said than done, but like everything else in life, it takes time. Here are some other tips I’ve found that can help when you find yourself feeling like a failure.

Don’t compare yourself to others. There have been so many times I find myself thinking that so and so wouldn’t have made the mistake I did. There’s a good chance that so and so would make the same mistake as well because so and so is human and plus, you are you and not so and so.

 

Learn from your failures. When you make a mistake, you’re given an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and it also gives a great opportunity for personal growth. I have learned a lot about myself as a person and a slave from my mistakes.

 

Ask for reassurance.  Once upon a time, my godfather told me some really awesome advice that I carry with me to this very day. Until you can see yourself the way others see you, then trust the opinions of those people. If you need to hear from someone who you’re not a failure, ask. From time to time, I need reassurance from Daddy that I’m not a failure.

 

It’s not a failure until you give up. No matter how many times you may fail at a task, you never truly fail until you give up. I really like this quote by Marc Chernoff: You never fail until you’re satisfied with failure. – Failure is not falling down; failure is staying down when you have the choice to get back up. Sometimes you have to fail a thousand times to succeed. Which means you haven’t really failed yet; you’ve just found a bunch of ways that don’t work. So don’t get so hung up on a few failed attempts that you miss every new opportunity coming your way.

It’s hard dealing with failure in a vanilla setting, but from my personal experience, dealing with failure within a power exchange relationship sometimes feels like it’s multiplied by a thousand and that is such a sucky feeling. But you can’t let that sucky feeling define you and your submission.

Related Posts:
Ask lunaKM – Pushing Limits, Exploring as a Top and Talking to Therapists
Fantastic Submissive Videos for Learning and Growth on Kink Academy
How to Access Sub Space
Build Self-Esteem through Grooming Rituals: Series Intro
Even in Lessons There Are More Lessons: How Being Punished Has More To Teach Than You Realize

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

8 Secrets for Supporting a Stressed Dominant Partner

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 1-23-16

Stress comes in many forms. Perhaps your partner is having trouble at work. Or maybe he’s caring for his aging parents. Or perhaps there’s tension between your Dominant and an extended family member or close friend. Or maybe your Dominant is sick, suffering from a health problem or concern. Research suggests that couples who actively manage stress together improve their relationship durability over time.

“Stress impacts our love relationships more than we are aware of or acknowledge,” according to Judy Ford, a licensed clinical social worker and author of Every Day Love: The Delicate Art of Caring for Each Other. Part of the problem is that stress is entrenched in our everyday. “Stress has become such a normal part of daily life that partners become immune to the symptoms and warning signs,” she said.

Whatever it is, your Dominant has been distant, touchy, and absent—shirking his usual responsibilities. You want to be there, but you also want to be treated with respect.

What to do?
Voice the effect this stress has on your relationship and your submission to them. Don’t ignore it or talk around it. At the same time, don’t judge. Voice it as evidence, in much the same way a scientist might note the behavior of a mouse he or she is studying. You might say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been getting takeout instead of cooking lately” or “whenever I try to talk to you, you seem distant. I’d love to know what’s going on.”
State your concerns. Often, what’s really on your mind is this: fear. Few of us, however, are willing to admit that. So we end up talking around the fear, often blaming the stressed person, which ends up starting a fight. Simply state the truth, “I’m worried that we are growing apart” or “I’m worried that I can’t handle this all without your help” or “I’m afraid you don’t trust me enough to open up to me.” Have the courage to be vulnerable. It’s your vulnerability that will allow your Dominant to feel safe enough to lean on you.
Recognize and respect different coping mechanisms: People cope very differently with stress. Some people like to talk everything out as soon as possible, while others need silent downtime. It’s important to recognise you and your partner might not cope in the same way, and there isn’t necessarily a “right” way. Try to accept differences and find ways to accommodate and facilitate your partner to cope in their own way.
Listen. Our partners just want to be seen, heard and acknowledged. Rather than do that, however, many of us attempt to solve their problem. After all, it’s a lot easier to solve other people’s problems than it is to solve our own. If you feel the urge to jump in and offer advice, hold back. Instead, listen and acknowledge with statements like, “That must be hard for you” and “That must be so frustrating.” Know that sometimes listening means that you don’t press when your Dominant says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” It also might mean that you don’t jabber away when your partner is anxious, because your chatter just works to heighten the anxiety. Be okay with silence. It might not be what you would need in such a situation, but it might be exactly what your Dominant needs.
Be there. This might be as simple as sitting quietly with them while you hold hands. Or it might entail accompanying your Dominant during a stressful moment, such as visiting the doctor for test results. It might be rubbing their feet. It could be initiating in the bedroom—and doing all the physical work during the actual event, too. Being there means that you do what you need to do to get your own mind under control. Do deep breathing, meditation, exercise or venting (to your friends, not to your Dominant) to get your own stress out of your system. But don’t try to control your Dominant’s mind. Don’t say things like, “You have nothing to feel scared about” or “This is nothing to stress over.” That minimizes your partner’s situation. If you want to know what it feels like to be minimized, think about how you felt the last time someone told you to stop worrying, stop being so angry, or stop feeling so stressed over something so minor.
Temporarily ease the burden. If needed, offer to pick up some slack around the house or elsewhere to free up your Dominant to deal with this stressful issue with his or her full attention. Help them solve problems.
Care for yourself. Again, this is where so many of us (myself included) go wrong. We spend so much time caring for our Dominant that we neglect our own needs. Soon we’re the ones who need special nursing and attention.
Allow your Dominant to seek refuge in television reruns, too much sleep, or some other seemingly dysfunctional practice, especially if your partner doesn’t usually wallow in this way. On the other hand, if your Dominant is constantly stressed—the kind of person who is a walking basket case 24/7/365—then you’ll want to create a boundary. It might sound like this, “I’m going to be here for you as much as I can until the end of the month. After that, I really think that it’s time for you to try counseling.”

Have you supported your Dominant through a stressful time? What worked? What didn’t? Has your partner supported you? What did you find helpful? What drove you nuts? What additional advice do you think others might try?

Related Posts:
How Sub Space Affects Sexual Sensations During Play
How to Keep Yourself From Being Overwhelmed in a Service Dynamic
Ask lunaKM – Getting the Headspace Back After a Break
What’s The First Rule of Internal Fight Club? You Are Not Alone.
Paralysis of Analysis

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

Plagued with stress headaches this week has not been fun. Anyone who has experienced extended bouts of financial stress can understand. Things have to get better eventually, right? Right.

Let’s move on to what’s going on here!

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

You Are Not Your Collar – Submissive Meditation Monday
Life as a Submissive with Chronic Pain by Mrs Darling
Simply Service e-Zine: April 2005
Register Now for Upcoming Servant’s Retreats in Your Area!

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where we help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

None

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

None

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: Cyber Realities by Mistress Steel
In 2014: Guide to Your First Munch eBook Now Has an Affiliate Program! Sign Up Now!
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Dealing with Stress in a Relationship
In 2012: Fantastic Submissive Videos for Learning and Growth on Kink Academy
In 2011: Establishing a Safe, Trusting Environment for Talk

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking. 

“The longest journey is the journey inwards. Of him who has chosen his destiny, Who has started upon his quest for the source of his being.” -Dag Hammarskjold
What is a recent addition to your training? How did it come about? Are you adjusting well?
Power is like being a lady. . . if you have to tell people you are, you aren’t. — Margaret Thatcher
What aspect of your life has been hardest to surrender? Why?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Graydancer’s Ropecast

Interview with Fynch Ers

30 Apr 2016, 1:00pm GMT

→ Graydancer’s Ropecast

Fynch Ers is the organizer of CampingWithRope 1,2 and 3, the partner of Ka, and an excellent rigger and bottom which means she has OPINIONS. And some of those went K&P recently as she talked about how she feels about negotiating with Tops – LINK.   This podcast is made possible by KarmaRope.com !    You should  let them know you appreciate their support of this podcast by buying their stuff, or applying for one of their rope education grants.    You can also support the podcast directly by signing up to be a patron at http://patreon.com/ropecast .

 

MP3 audio  (40MB, 43min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

 

Related Posts:
lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections
Book Review: The Ethical Slut
lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections
A Day in the Life Series – Post Requests

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Register Now for Upcoming Servant’s Retreats in Your Area!

SERVANT’S RETREAT

May 27 – 29, 2016  • Richmond, VA

Nov 4 – 6, 2016  • Bremerton/Seattle, WA

Dec 2 – 4, 2016  • Fairfield/Cincinnati, OH

14 years of fortifying great service… Servant’s Retreat has stood the test of time.

Share the experience of 4000+ submissives, slaves, bottom and servants.

Intensive weekend for bottoms, submissives, servants, slaves, and kinksters to examine many of the real life issues of service, self, their past and present and how that contributes positively and negatively to service and themselves. You do not need to be in a relationship to attend. Interactive, worksheet based seminars.

From the feedback from SR participants:

“…used to expecting conventional class style and it was so much more directive, intimate, and focused. There isn’t anything else like this. If you already have it together, do yourself the favor. I wish I’d taken it years ago.”

“It was far more than I imagined- so much to digest and to consider how to apply in my life and D/s relationship…I will have to reflect deeply on all of the exercises, sessions, and what I have written.”

“It made me think and has given me several things to work on and to continue thinking about.  I have received some good tools for my slave toolkit.”

“Hard- not harsh- but hard to face the acknowledgement of so many of my “barriers” to service are my own creation and perpetuation.  I feel like I did gain:  1) insight I did not have; 2) learned truths about myself I had not stopped to consider; and 3) was given tools or paths of possibilities to take away and apply.”

“All of the sessions were incredibly helpful and all were absolutely necessary.  Everything was so wonderfully integrated- one part easily flowed into the other and was so thoroughly researched and well thought out.  If you want an education—this is it.”

We’re adults, tackling adult topics and all want to create more personal satisfaction in our worlds.  SR is a place to build a reality where you’re secure, safe, and can deliver the best you in service and in life.

Take home additions to your tool box that SR may add or the experience of immersive discovery!

To reserve your spot for Servant’s Retreat, you will need to prepay. RSVP early due to extreme group size limitations.

Please go to BDSMClasses.com for a glance at the schedule, registration forms, and fees.

Related Posts:
Tips on How to Attend a BDSM Convention on a Budget
A List of National BDSM Events – Attend One, or Two, or Three
How to Approach a Dominant You Are Interested In
Assent Matters
Chat Night Transcript from BDSM with Kids at Home Chat

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Simply Service e-Zine: April 2005

Today I bring you another Simply Service newsletter. If you have enjoyed the series up to now, you’ll want to read this one!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

Enjoy this April edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2005.

April 2005
 Download Now!

slave a is back with an introspective look at Presumption in Service
From the Editor
The Art of the Interview: Adding members to a household by Linda “Bootpig” Hall
Mental Orgasm: The Phenomenon of Brain Sex A Personal Journey by Lady Wyllo
The Write Stuff: Written Communication in Service by morgana
Hooked on being needed by slave jean

Related Posts:
Simply Service e-Zine: March 2005
When Mommy/slave is Ill…
Love in a D/s Relationship
What is Protocol?
High Tea, Japanese Tea Ceremony and Formal Dining

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Life as a Submissive with Chronic Pain

It’s official. I am just past six months of living with chronic pain and no end in sight. It’s still new to me but somehow, also, it’s now me. It is a part of me that I have had to adjust to, just like once upon a time I had to adjust from a vanilla world to a kinky one. I am changing and growing but still the same ol’ s-type who loves homemaking and serving.

Here are some things about living life in beautiful, fulfilling power exchange alongside a big helping of constant pain:

Living with chronic pain is like hanging out in Vegas. The pain is the house and it seems to always win. Even on the good days, when you are rolling big and feelin’ pretty fine, you are aware of the fact that right around the corner you are set up to lose. It’s out of your control and even if you do everything in your power to up your odds, you are still more likely to come out on the losing end.

And on that, what the fuck kind of nerve does pain have in telling you anything? You have a Master to serve, to tell you when to stand and kneel and sit and fuck and laugh and cry. The nerve trying to take control of you with out your consent!

I have re-learned masochism. See, I used to bottom to my sadist from a place of submission. The giving of pain got him hard, and serving that need got my panties wet. We had it figured out. But now? I love the pain; look forward to the pain. Why the change?

Any chosen pain that takes my mind off of the chronic pain gets me hot now.

I asked for it. My Master controlled it. It’s our pain. Ours.

I no longer have a pain scale from 1-10 like they ask you in the hospital. The best I can hope for on a given day is a 3 or 4. I love those 3 days now.

We have had some of our oldest and favorite protocols and rituals blown to pieces.

The hottest tears I have ever shed are those in the painful embarrassment of so desperately wanting to serve my Partner in the way that feels like home and instead finding nothingness. No, not nothingness. Finding the shame that is him being the one to take care of me all of a sudden. Of having to ask for help undressing and buckling myself in the car when I am the one who is supposed to be serving him, dammit.

I want to kneel. I want to cook and clean and scrub baseboards (ah, god, what I wouldn’t give to give a proper scrub to my baseboards right now) and do the shit that makes me me.

Friends, loved ones, ask how I am doing and I have to decide: lie to the ones who treasure honesty above all, or tell the truth and hear caring advice and empathy that is so well meaning but still crushes me inside. I am meant to tend to others, not the reverse.

Every day I wake up and sling my choices upon a balancing scale of “justice.” I have to weigh my pain tolerance against the risk of pain medicine tolerance/addiction. I am a recovering addict living in the world of free flowing pills and each and every goddamn day I have to have the strength of self to say, “Nah, not today…” and limp away in pain.

But…

Living in Power Exchange with chronic pain is like hanging out in Vegas… with your very best friend. When the chips slide our way, do we ever celebrate together. And when the house wins as predicted? We hole up in our suite with some room service and TV and wallow together. I have somebody to ride the high with and somebody who picks me up when I am down. How much luckier could I be?

We are learning to listen to our bodies more now, pay attention to our health as we age.

I think Master loves having a masochist in his training finally.

I have learned the most amazing coping skills. We have altered our protocols and created new ones, ones that celebrate the spiritual and emotional side of our relationship instead of the physical, quite possibly for the first time ever. It’s sexy and new and refreshing.

Did you know that you can achieve the same sense of peace sitting on the edge of the bed and grasping a Dominants mid-section that you get when kneeling and clutching their legs?

It’s about the intention, not the action.

I never knew how much deeper I could love a Man until he had to physically lift my legs into bed and tuck me in. Power… exchange… I got his back. He’s got mine. That IS what it is we do.

I do kneel sometimes. It still feels like coming home and I relish every shot at it.

I don’t miss carrying the heavy laundry basket back and forth.

Lots of people inquiring means lots of people loving me.

Every time I fight through the pain I get a little bit stronger. A little tougher.

I probably needed a lil toughening up, honestly.

See, living with chronic pain in a chronically kinky home is more about the outlook than anything. There is no misfortune in our home. Only opportunities for creativity.

And on the bad days? The worst days?

Well, that’s when we just need each other. And the fact that we have that, well, makes living through all the pain worthwhile.

Related Posts:
Pain Play Discussed Online – Explore The Variety of Views
Chat Night Transcript From What is Service Talk
Another 7 Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Submission
How Giving a Blowjob Has Taught Me That Service and Pleasure Are One
Ask lunaKM – Roleplay Scenarios, Unable to Kneel and Boost of Confidence

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

You Are Not Your Collar – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

Don’t lose yourself once you are collared. Oftentimes, the identity of the submissive, your identity, can be lost when the relationship becomes a committed one. It’s something I know I’ve experienced and even embraced for a time. I loved being known only as KnyghtMare’s submissive. No one got to know who I was or what I was like because I was collared and essentially untouchable.

People on forums and other social networks push to say your behavior reflects on the dominant. Which, in some respect it does, but that again removes your personal identity. Your behavior reflects on you too. Take ownership for it. This also applies to your dependence on your Dominant. It’s great to need someone, but never at the expense of your own existence. For example, if your Dominant has to be away for a few days, you aren’t lost. You are not only for your Dominant’s use. You are valuable and capable of taking care of yourself in your Dominant’s absence. If you can’t think of what to do to keep yourself busy and only dwell on your Dominant’s absence then perhaps you’ve allowed yourself to become your collar and not the person who wears it.

Some submissives lose themselves in the service they provide. But you don’t have to. Knowing who you are without a dominant can be a powerful tool to understanding your submissive path and what direction to go in. So make sure that your collar does not define you. You are not your collar.

As a submissive, you work to be the perfect person for your partner, but you also need to remember to be your own authentic self.

Take some time today to reflect on what makes you, you. Embrace your uniqueness outside the collar you wear.

Related Posts:
Chat Night Transcript from BDSM with Kids at Home Chat
The Training Collar
Winter Blues – Submissive Meditation Monday
Build Self-Esteem through Grooming Rituals: Series Intro
Patience – Submissive Meditation Monday

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers for Maximus last week. He’s on the rebound and proving to me that he’s going to stick around a bit longer. I am relieved.

I think I’ve written before how I’ve turned my productivity up by deploying a Bullet Journal system. It’s made my life organized and for once in a very long time I feel like I’m getting things done! I also have a terrible memory so I’m constantly jotting notes down, and now I can put them all in one place which has been super helpful. Each week I’m tweaking and changing how things look and work so one day I’ll find that perfect set up. I’m considering sharing the evolution of my use of the system for my slave and work life. If you are interested, chime in the comments and I’ll see about sharing with you what I have so far!

Let’s move on to what’s going on here!

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Learning Your Way Around the Kitchen-Copycat Ikea Meatballs
Recognizing Sub Rebound (Sub Drop) by Mistress Steel

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where we help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

A Grieving Dominant and a Submissive’s Needs

My Dom/Master/Daddy of many years has recently suffered a loss of a child. We are both (or so I thought) into this dynamic for the long haul. He recently has become more distant and I have tried talking to him and told him what I need to keep me happy. I don’t hear back from him yet I send him things I know will make him smile and I get a “nice” or whatnot.. am I expecting too much too soon..His response to me  comes a few days later not the same night as before. He lost his child last year.  I miss him. Do I force myself and state what I need and want. I just feel like I am being punished, and that is something he has NEVER done before. Am I overreacting?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

Dealing With The Bad Days

What are your go to cures for the bad days? When you’re sick, or exhausted, or stressed? Does your dynamic change? Do you move to a higher protocol? Lower protocol? Do you ever get a day “off?”

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: [Free Download] Submissive Starter Kit from Submissive Playground
In 2014: When Kids Find Your Sex Toys by kaya
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – I Need to Learn to Swear to Please My Dominant
In 2012: Submissive Speech 10: Speaking with Service Persons
In 2011: How a Cup of Coffee Centers Me

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking. 

“I want to put myself absolutely at your mercy for good or evil without any condition, without any limit to your power.” – Leopold von Sacher-Masoch
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me. So slam me up and throw me down and show me that you like me! — Unknown
How do you view ‘fear’?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The People of Kink

TPOK Minicast 59 – Safe Space

20 Apr 2016, 5:00am GMT

→ The People of Kink

We all require Safe Space. We need it to gather and to play. We need it to be able to express who we are and to be able to communicate with each other. Everywhere we go and play that is organized is really just an area that is safe. It might be a munch, a party or even a camping event but what is really being given to us is a Safe Space. Without it we couldn’t what we do and interact together.

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Recognizing Sub Rebound (Sub Drop)

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Submissive Rebound is a reaction that occurs in most submissives at some point in their relationship with a Dominant. It manifests in feelings of depression, heightened anxiety and a sensation of ‘distance’ between the submissive and the Dominant. Submissive Rebound is often called sub-drop.

Submissives often focus a high level of energy and attention on every nuance of the interaction between themselves and their Dominant. This focus can be so strong that the submissives perceptions of external reality will blur. Some submissives ‘feel’ that they pour themselves so deeply into a Dominant that to some extent they ‘become’ part of the Dominant. An extension of their presence. When that presence is withdrawn the submissive can begin to manifest strong symptoms of withdrawal. This withdrawal can be complicated by other divisive feelings and emotions.

Some submissives believe that their actions, feelings and desires are ‘sinful’ or in direct opposition to the moral or religious code under which they were raised. They may believe that being submissive is a failure of something inside of themselves. They may believe that their joy in being submissive deserves to be punished in some obscure way. A submissive cannot truthfully divorce their past or their upbringing. At best they process the conflicting opinions or beliefs and find ways to manage or reconcile those opinions with what they personally believe to be their truth. The process of reconciliation and self acceptance often takes many years before the submissive is at peace with who and what they are. That process requires the setting aside of long held beliefs and the integration of new ways of thinking and living. It is not a process that can be rushed or assumed in a matter of weeks or months.

An intense scene or interaction with their Dominant will often expose the submissive emotionally. They will know that they have revealed their ‘sinful’ nature and desires not only to the Dominant but especially to themselves. In addition many submissives experience various levels of space or reality detachment when in the presence of their Dominant. This detachment acts to insulate the submissive from the acts or actions which they are engaged in during the scene itself. When that layer of protection is removed, the submissive must reconcile their actions in the bald glare of realities unflinching light. As the blood chemistries produced during scene fade the physical and emotional ‘highs’ plunge, the mental and emotional freedoms seem to vanish and the submissive returns to their balancing act between the socially acceptable vanilla world that they must live and work in and their involvement in this reprehensible new lifestyle.

If the Dominant has ‘extended’ or ‘stretched’ the submissives physical or mental limits during the scene, the submissive ‘may’ feel a sense of violation during this rebound period. Crossing thresholds exposes new information to the submissive, sometimes this can include childhood memories or experiences that were abusive, frightening or painful. The submissive may feel sensations of intense anger at their Dominant especially if the Dominant is not physically available for extensive aftercare during rebound. The submissive may want to cling to the Dominant, return to that safe place within their presence and in the same exact moment want to punish the Dominant for taking them into this internal place of personal vulnerability.

The emotional highs and lows will wash through the submissive in waves. Generally these sensations are the most intense when the submissive bottoms out or at that point when the blood chemistries drop to below the normal level. This often is within 48 hours of scene. The submissives sensations of loneliness, abandonment or being discarded by the Dominant will be at their peak. They may view the Dominants absence as a reflection of that Dominants ‘true’ opinion of them, their sinful actions, their real worth or value. It is common for many submissives to mentally and physically punish themselves during this bottoming out period. They sometimes convince themselves that it is ‘better’ for their Dominant if they aren’t around. They may take actions which they know will disappoint, inflame or anger their Dominant. All for the ‘good’ of their Dominant. They will ‘decide’ that their Dominant will be better off without them.

These are just some of the things that are part of submissive rebound. It is important for a Dominant to recognize the personal triggers unique to their own submissive and pre-guess the onset of a serious bottoming out. The level of fragility or susceptibility of a submissive to rebound is unique to the individual. The very best way to ease a submissive is to simply be there. If you cannot be physically available for your submissive for extensive aftercare then do not engage in the type of scene which may require that level of aftercare. It is part of a Dominants responsibility to protect the emotional stability of their submissive and not to leave them in a state of intense emotional upheaval. It is equally important for a submissive to prepare themselves for the possibility of bottoming out and to take an active role in creating support systems for themselves should rebound occur.

When a submissive begins to level out these sensations and feelings will subside and diminish. When the blood chemistries rebuild to a ‘normal’ level the submissive will ‘feel’ better. This is where they rebound or come back from bottoming out. Their ability to rationalize will tend to improve markedly often leaving them troubled by their actions. They may feel very confused by the complexities of what has occurred and their response to it. When a submissive reaches this point it is important for them to express their feelings. To allow their energy to flow out and ‘clear’. It is at this time that some submissives see into their own memories with a new clarity. Sharing their experiences and releasing old angers can lead to an even closer bonding to their Dominant along with a deeper understanding of themselves.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Who says being on the bottom doesn’t pay? I make $45,000 a year sexting as a sub.

This is a paid advertorial for Arousr.com.

Living off of ramen noodles and waiting tables to (barely) afford rent was the norm for my college experience. Although if you had told me at the time that I could make double what I was earning in a fraction of the time, I would not have believed you. And no, I am not talking about working a street corner. I am referring to something that many kinksters have discovered as a safe, fun, and very flexible way to make money.

Sexting. That’s right; you read correctly.

You can make a fortune doing something you enjoy! Have you ever received a flirty text from your master and it quickly got out of hand? (Excuse the pun).  Now, imagine making money doing the very same thing.  Sounds exciting doesn’t it?  Pleasing your master (and others) and being paid to do it like the naughty sub you know you are?  Just thinking about that makes me smile and sends chills down my back.

Sexting has exploded over the past ten years, and the numbers are only rising. In the ever increasing technological era we live in, it is ridiculously easy to join in on this exciting and convenient job. If you own a computer or a smartphone, then you already have everything you need to begin making a substantial income.

Depending on how many hours you log, you can easily earn over $500/week working part time as a sub.

Although we do not recommend bragging about these perks to your grandmother at a family reunion, there are tons of reasons why phone sex can be a reliable source of income.

First, your identity remains safe, so there are no fears of your clients showing up at your doorstep ready for some personal hip action. Of course, picking a trustworthy company like Arousr.com is crucial in this step. Second, this job offers you a chance to explore your fetishes on a whole new level.  A definite perk on the relationship side.

If you are concerned that you might need a little help getting comfortable with dirty talk, there is plenty of support out there from sub “trainers” who are dying to show you how.

The best part about getting paid to sext is the flexibility it offers. Instead of being stuck working at a nine to five job with limited time off, you work when you can work from anywhere that has an Internet or wifi connection.

Sexting is the perfect job for anyone who is outgoing, looking to explore their sexuality and seeking a safe way to make a steady income. Forget Snapchat; it is 2016, and sexting officially became the trendy way to make some money and have fun!

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.