Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 28

May 15, 2016

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

I’m dealing with a huge amount of stress and depression right now. KnyghtMare and I are having a tough time financially and it’s impacting every part of our life. Including my submission. Now I’ll talk about this more in Monday’s post, but the stress is very corrosive. I’m struggling badly. I’m not sure I can see the end right now and that makes everyday dreadful and long. Why am I telling you? Because I could use your positive thoughts.

Let’s move on to what’s going on here!

I Need Your Help! Submissive Guide is Ready to Grow, But Can’t Do So With Out Your Support!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Learn to Speak Up and Speak Out: Empowering Yourself to Have a Voice
The Benefits of Orgasm Control and How to Get Started by Mrs. Darling
Review: Stainless Steel Rope Collar with Combination Lock by Eternity Collars

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where we help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM: What are my limits?

I am a sub that is very new to the BDSM scene. I know a little bit, but I’m quite unfamiliar with a lot. Recently, I met someone online that immediately recognized me as a sub, and I would love to impress him.

He asked my what my limits are, and what I’m willing to do, but I don’t know. Is there something I can do to gain some knowledge, so that I can tell him?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

none

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: 24/7: Long Term Relationships by Mistress Steel
In 2014: RACK: The Risk Acceptable Safety Mantra
In 2013: Finding a New Love – The Impact of Time on Your BDSM Checklist by Laney Doll
In 2012: Perspectives: Flogging
In 2011: The Honor Notebook

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What are you afraid of? What does your Dominant partner do to alleviate your fears? Are some fears difficult to share, even with your Dominant?

“Fear cuts deeper than swords.” George R. R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

- prompt from Submissive Coffee Club

How open are you to others about the lifestyle choices you make?Have you told any of your family members? What were their responses?
The wonder of being a slave, as you put it, isn’t that we serve when it suits us but rather that we serve always. — Unknown
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Kinky Cast

#119 – Mermaid Mickey on Degradation vs Humiliation

13 May 2016, 1:57pm GMT

→ KinkyCast

Woody and krises talk with Mermaid Mickey this week. Mickey who is a relative newcomer to the world of kink and power exchange relationships, shows as her mermaid tattoo symbolizes, over the last two years, has quickly progressed from dipping her toes in the pool to swimming in the deepest of waters. Nowhere is this more true than in the realm of orgasm control and, in particular, long-term orgasm denial.

MP3 audio (19MB, 44min)

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on May 15, 2016 10:00

May 12, 2016

Review: Stainless Steel Rope Collar with Combination Lock by Eternity Collars

I’d have to say that one of the most talked about pieces of a submissive or slave’s wardrobe is their collar. What does it look like, how long can you wear it, is it vanilla friendly, does it lock, and so on and so on. So it comes as no surprise that long wear, “permanent” collars are favored for long term relationships. And what better purveyor of 24/7 wear collars than Eternity Collars?

I was approached recently to try out some of their lovely gear and I seriously couldn’t pass that up. While I do wear a stainless steel collar, it’s not an Eternity Collar. So I agreed and now you get to hear what I thought of the pieces that I received (one at a time). I’ve worn all the pieces they sent for at least 2 weeks, 24 hours a day before reviewing. Today I’m going to talk about the Stainless Steel Rope Collar with Combination Lock (instead of key). I picked this piece out specifically because it was an alternative to the tiny hex screw and key that often comes with 24/7 wear collars.

Click for Full Size

What is it?

This stainless steel flexible rope collar is made from marine-grade stainless steel. The site says that their original collection, such as this collar, may contain a small amount of nickel. If that is a concern, their Titanium collection, to be reviewed later, is 100% hypoallergenic, allergy-free and will not react to sunlight, salt water, sweat or body oils. (They also have an 18kt gold plated Titanium collar).

The combination is a pre-assigned sequence of 3 tumblers. It comes in sizes from 10.25 to 19.5 inches. It’s a great discreet option for people looking for ways to wear a collar 24/47. Unlike the other collars Eternity Collars provides, this one is flexible rope so some positions, like lying down, are more comfortable. It’s also durable and fine to wear in the shower, although it does trap water and stays wet longer than my solid ring style collar.

The beauty of this collar is that it doesn’t look like its leather counterparts which means you are less likely to have curious gazes. It’s luster gives it the illusion of silver rather than steel and could very well be a piece of jewelry and not a signifier that the person belongs to someone else. If you like more feminine jewelry you might not want to wear this particular collar, as I felt it was more industrial and might better suit a less girly girl or a male slave.

Unique Feature – Combination Lock

Click for Large Image

Let’s talk about this lock, shall we? If you’ve seen metal collars before, they often have a small Allen key and screw holding it together. The one I’ve worn for 7 years is this type and I’ve got just one wrench, so if I lose it, I really hope I can find another one! I wouldn’t have to worry about that with a combination lock. This one boasts a 3 tumbler lock with numbers as dots on the cylinders. At first glance it looks cool, the dots as numbers are easy to read and it is clear you need to line them up to the dot on the outer clasp to unlock it.

KnyghtMare found the tumblers to be really loose and it was hard to keep the tumblers in their place as you rolled ones next to them to dial in the code. He’s got large hands so the small tumblers were also hard to select just one at a time, which made their easy spinning even more fiddly than he would have liked. Also if you move one tumbler the others move, so you have to hold the ones you don’t want to turn in place to move the one you need to. The idea is sound, but the execution needs some work. I also tried to remove the collar myself with the help of a mirror. This was very difficult for my smaller fingers, but doable. I kept losing the code because they moved out of alignment with every slight touch. I agreed with KnyghtMare that the tumblers are far too loose.

One thing I did experience that was quite a surprise, just the other day I was sliding the collar around my neck to put the lock in the back, as I’m want to do, and it came off on its own. Apparently the tumblers found the right sequence in their rotation around my neck and off it came. This is not something I’d want from what’s supposed to be a 24/7, long term collar. It should not come off on its own.

While I realize that this type of collar is one that you don’t remove on a regular basis, the time you might need to remove it (for medical procedures or a panicking slave) are times you want to be able to do it quickly and easily. The combination lock as it is, would be harder than fetching an Allen key. And god forbid you forget the code! You can’t just go get a new Allen key, like the other style of collars so make sure you keep that code in a safe space if you ever need it.

Packaging

The shipment was in a plain brown box but inside the products were packaged beautiful black tray-style boxes; the lid folds over the top of a tray and then has a light magnetic closure with the Eternity Collars logo laminated on top. Inside the box, the collar was inside its own faux velvet pouch. I was very impressed with the packaging. It would be easy to wrap the boxes if this was going to be a gift and it feels classy and understated.

Where to Get It

This collar is only available online at EternityCollars.com for $145.00. Most orders ship within 24 to 48 hours (business days). They offer a 365 day return policy if one of their products is uncomfortable or irritates your skin. You can return it for a full refund.

Pros
Discreet
Highly durable
24/7 wearable
Flexible lightweight stainless steel
Wide variety of sizes available
No Allen key needed
No screws to potentially lose
Industrial look
Fast shipping

Cons
Retains some water
Loose tumblers
Not a feminine style
Difficult to remove yourself
Forget the code, you’ll have to cut it off

Overall, this is a good choice for someone who’s looking for an alternative to the traditional rigid ring-style collar. Even with the difficulty we had taking it off, I like the idea of a combination lock on a collar instead of a key. What do you think of the combination lock idea for a 24/7 collar? Do you like this style?

This product was given to me by Eternity Collars, free of charge, in exchange for an honest review.

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Published on May 12, 2016 07:00

May 11, 2016

Ask lunaKM: What are my limits?

Dear lunaKM,

I am a sub that is very new to the BDSM scene. I know a little bit, but I’m quite unfamiliar with a lot. Recently, I met someone online that immediately recognized me as a sub, and I would love to impress him.

He asked my what my limits are, and what I’m willing to do, but I don’t know. Is there something I can do to gain some knowledge, so that I can tell him?

There’s a lot you can do to learn about BDSM and what your limits might be. You’ve made a good first step by asking for help. I can also assume that you’ve done some reading here on the site so that you know whether being a submissive is something you really want to do and not just something that this person is convincing you to be.

First, I suggest you learn the basics of BDSM. This means the relative definitions of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Figure out from those which might interest you to explore; either as the giver or the receiver. Once you understand the level of these core terms and where you might place yourself in them, you can put together the smaller pieces.

Pick up a BDSM checklist and start going through it one by one. A BDSM Checklist is a list of activities, both common and uncommon, that could occur in a relationship or play session. All of them are up for negotiation and many checklists are extremely detailed. Don’t stress about knowing every single thing. If an activity in it is foreign to you, look up information about it before rating it. Listen to your gut response. Is it positive or negative? Do you want to leave an activity out altogether? That’s fine too. Be honest with yourself.

If you encounter something on the list you are sure you’d never want to try, that’s a hard limit. If there’s an activity that you might do under certain conditions, that’s a soft limit. And even if you read about something and you still aren’t sure, that’s okay too. You are at the beginning of your exploration and can’t be expected to know everything. And, don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself. Your likes and dislikes now, could change down the road as your experience level grows.

All of this is related to the activities involved in BDSM and D/s relationships, but it doesn’t help you set limits for the relationship itself. If you have any experience dating or with previous relationships you probably have a few things you know are deal breakers for you as far as compatibility with a partner. If you are looking for a long term relationship that is face to face make sure your potential partners know this. Are you okay with drinking and smoking or other habits? What does the future look like with you? Do you want children? How important is your career, homelife and social life? Make sure your limits list includes more than what you’ll do and not do in the bedroom.

I wish you luck exploring your new sexual identity. Take it slow and learn all you can.

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on May 11, 2016 07:00

May 10, 2016

The Benefits of Orgasm Control and How to Get Started

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 2-6-16

How I Came To See The Benefits

I am about to do what was once upon a time unthinkable for me: praise the training that is orgasm control.

Giving up control of my orgasm was one of the very first pieces of submission I offered my husband. We started transitioning from a vanilla, egalitarian marriage to a kinky one and it was one of the first “ideas” about Dominance and submission he had come across in research. At the time we were beginning submission in only the bedroom – which I think is a very common first step for those starting out. It began with “I want you to try to wait for me to tell you to come when together” to “You need to ask permission to come when you’re masturbating as well” to “This is now what we do always forever and ever.”

Once we drafted an actual D/s contract, the demand was made in black and white. My orgasm belonged to my Dominant entirely. I was to never orgasm without express permission from him to do so. Without exception.

The rights to orgasm/masturbate on my own was, in the beginning, a source of contention in our D/s dynamic. I understood that he wanted to be the one responsible for my orgasm while being intimate or playing together. But alone? Why? I didn’t understand the purpose. Like clockwork, every six months I would arrive at the table of D/s negotiations feeling like an underdog featherweight at a boxing match meant for heavyweights: I was trying to change a rule I didn’t want but he thought was important enough to maintain, stacking up a written list of the reasons why I thought I deserved the rights to masturbate, heading in expecting to lose but holding out that hope that I could negotiate some compromise on the situation.

I never did. We’d review everything else in the contract and, making easy mild changes here and there, but when he dug his heels in the ground and insisted that we continue orgasm control, I ended up signing on. Contract after contract. Year after year.

See, each time I was forced to make a decision. End our D/s dynamic and regain my rights to masturbation and to orgasm at my choosing, or live by his rule. I see now that the choice really was about trust. Trust that he knew what was best for his submissive.

When we decided to live as Master/slave (which removed the deadline or “expiration date” from our dynamic), I knew negotiations would be off the table for orgasm control so I didn’t even mention it. I accepted a life committed to only reaching orgasm at my husband’s direct command. Orgasm control transitioned from training to a way of life for us. And finally, surprisingly, importantly: I get it.

Recently, I asked permission to masturbate and it was granted. It had been a long time and I was going to capitalize on this opportunity. Giddy with excitement, I prepared for the fun, the “thank you, thank you, thank you Sir” still on my lips. Alone I ran a hot bath with delicious salts, large billowing bubbles overflowing, candles lit. I gathered all sorts of toys and tools. I took my time, paced myself, thinking, “Would my husband let me come yet?” and after years of his orgasm control if I knew the answer was “No” I’d prevent myself from coming. I felt his hand guiding each of mine. He was leading me, even though he wasn’t even in the room.

When overwrought with desire, knowing this would be when he’d allow it, I allowed myself to orgasm. Cleaning up afterward, I laughed at the change in my masturbation habits. Five years prior, masturbating was flopping down on a bed, vibrator on clit, fast as possible, clitoral orgasm. Most of the time I remained entirely clothed and rarely even touched bare skin.

That’s when the real benefit of orgasm control hit me. My body is a temple; a beautiful one at that. My Dominant see me that way. I deserve nothing less than undivided attention and complete adoration when my body is being used sexually. I am trained to be used for sexual service, and I should never allow anybody to take advantage of that. And it was me doing it. Before orgasm control I was taking my sexuality for granted. When I became his submissive, his orgasm control prevented me from being misused at my own doing.

Orgasm control is how he commands my hand even when he’s not there and his requiring I hold myself to higher sexual standards.

How To Get Started

The first step to orgasm control is communicate with your partner about the Dominant’s expectations. Clear and concise directives should be given. If there is to be any positive or negative ramification to successfully or unsuccessfully maintaining control, it needs to be spelled out clearly from the beginning. Once all parties are on the same page, it’s time to hit the bedroom and get hands on!

Begin by have completely normal sexual interactions, only insist that before the submissive reaches orgasm, he or she “call’s it” before actually getting there. “I’m coming” is a pretty simple way of communicating with your partner that it is about to happen. That is when both the Dominant and submissive need to pay attention to the body. Can you notice the change? That moment right before? Does the submissive arc her back or close her eyes or moan every time? Tip: Try to always maintain eye contact right before and during orgasm. It is truly the window to the soul and can be an effective means of reading your partner. Bonus tip: Never, ever, ever fake an orgasm ladies. It’s counterproductive in life. A Dominant need to read you properly. That requires honesty.

After starting to notice the build-up to orgasm, simply stop stimulation right before orgasm. You don’t have to stop touching, just stop the vaginal or clitoral stimulation before it takes her over the edge. Once the body has paced back down again, continue. This is often called “edging” and is an easy way to get better at controlling orgasm.

Once you can edge pretty successfully, it’s time to add in the Dominant’s “trigger” if you will. We have all heard of Pavlov’s dog, right? Same principle. For most people I have come across it is simply choosing a word, or phrase, often combined with an eye contact from the Top. “Come” is pretty standard of course and there is no need to complicate things. So you combine edging with this trigger during future encounters. The Dominant sees the peak rising and makes a decision: either say “Come” and allow her to ride it out or remove stimulation and if asked instruct that no, they cannot come yet, and continue on.

Eventually, you will have trained that person to actually need that trigger present to orgasm.

That is the basic starting place and once you get pretty adept at orgasm control there can be some really fun and sexy ways of using that control:

Rewarding with extra orgasms
Painfully dragging out edging
Requiring certain acts before gifting orgasm
Making others come first or at a certain time
Punishment (or “fun-ishment”)

I will be back to write a second article on orgasm control in the near future, as we explore Advanced Orgasm Control – because as much fun as it is for my husband to tell me in the bedroom “Don’t come yet!” he thinks it is exceedingly more enjoyable to whisper in my ear at the grocery store and watch my horror as I have a proper orgasm in the bread aisle – and also Deconditioning Ideas (A word on deconditioning. Orgasm control can be a pretty powerful tool. Be sure to speak with your Dominant about how to gain back control of your orgasm if need be in the future due to separation. I will touch more on this in the next article but it’s always good to plan ahead even from the start.)

Don’t forget, like anything: practice makes progress! Time to start training.

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Published on May 10, 2016 07:00

May 9, 2016

Learn to Speak Up and Speak Out: Empowering Yourself to Have a Voice

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 2-6-16

Have you ever felt like if you made a suggestion or requested a change in the relationship to your Dominant was horribly inappropriate, that it was overstepping your boundaries as a submissive? What about asking for something you’d like to do, like have sex or play, or even just go out to dinner? Do you clam up thinking that it’s not your place to make those requests?

What if I told you that you were wrong. That it’s in your best interest to get what you want or need from any relationship you are in and that includes one that has power dynamics in place. We do a lot of talking about how to make our Dominants happy that we forget that we need to make sure we are happy in the process. That means making sure that what we signed up for is what we are getting.

Do you know what you want and need in your relationship to feel fulfilled, right now? Are you getting your needs met? If not, then you need to talk to your Dominant about getting them fulfilled. I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but Dominants are not mind readers. You do, in fact, have to tell them what you are thinking and feeling.

I think a small part of why we have a hard time opening up to our Dominants is that we treat them like they are gods. A god complex is an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflated feelings of personal ability, privilege, or infallibility. We hold them up on high and make them our knight in shining armor that can do no wrong and always prevails. But we need to remember that our Dominants are human and can fail. They can and do make mistakes, even forget things. They don’t consider themselves gods at all. In fact, I bet they wish submissives would stop assuming they were more than they are.

I know that talking to your Dominant about needs, desires and hopes is scary business, but that’s exactly what you need to do. So I’m going to help you prepare yourself for these important, and sometimes not important conversations so that you don’t feel like you are ordering him around or stepping outside your submission to do so. It is possible, trust me. And I bet your Dominant will be grateful you had the courage to speak up.

I know what a lot of you are saying. But asking for what I want and raising concerns to him is topping from the bottom! No, no it’s not. If you are not forcing him to make changes that work in your interest then you aren’t topping from the bottom.

Well then, now that that issue is out of the way, let’s put our thoughts together and get talking:

Pull all your thoughts together. If you need to write them down then do so. I know I’ve had moments that I have something I feel I need to talk about but can’t figure out how to voice it in a way that makes sense. Journaling privately about it tends to help me put my thoughts in order and can even cause revelations that you didn’t consider.

Practice what you want to say while alone. Use the mirror or just talk out loud to yourself so that you know what you need to say and to give yourself confidence to do it. Use the phrase “I feel”. The more you say the things that cause you to catch in your throat the more likely they will come out easier when the time comes to have that important, difficult discussion with your Dominant.

Plan time to have the conversation. You don’t want distraction and you don’t want to do it after sex or play. Tell your partner that you have something important to discuss and you would like to schedule time to have a conversation.

Sit down and ask for the right to just talk without interruption and lay it all out. You need to feel that you are on equal footing during this discussion. It’s not about D/s, it is about two people in a relationship that needs something addressed. So take off the mantle of Dominant and submissive and be people re-negotiating your relationship.

If you are still afraid to talk about what you need from the relationship then you need to ask yourself why that is. If a D/s relationship is build on trust and mutual respect is there something undermining that and you don’t trust them or they make you afraid to voice your thoughts? That’s not healthy and can lead to more complicated relationship issues.

Remember, your job is to take care of you. Every Dominant is going to agree that they want you to take care of you first, and that means being aware of your needs and desires and make sure you are happy and fulfilled in your place. So don’t let your sense to be meek and “submissive” means you can’t ask for what you need. Just do it. You owe it to yourself to be happy. I hope you can overcome your fears and lay your heart on the table.

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Published on May 09, 2016 07:00

May 8, 2016

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

We’ve had some lovely Spring weather around here lately. Decluttering and cleaning has begun here and I’m preparing to get some boxes to start packing for our mid-summer move. Collecting boxes is my most hated task when it comes to moving. The goal of this move is to reduce the clutter and excess stuff, especially things I’ve yet to unpack from moving here 2 years ago. Yes, that’s right, I still have things in boxes from that move. So…. I’m just getting rid of them. I’ve brought 6 boxes of stuff to Goodwill so far.

Let’s move on to what’s going on here!

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

8 Secrets for Supporting a Stressed Dominant Partner
Feeling Like a Failure as a Slave by tequilarose
Strong and Submissive: Exploring the Phenomenon of Strong Female Submissives by Sensous Sadie

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where we help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask Submissive Guide: Ready to Get Kinky

So I am not satisfied with my boyfriend. I don’t know how to go about telling him, I want to dominated. I am not responding to vanilla sex anymore, and need more. I need/want him to be domineering, to know he will take care of my wants and needs. We have had bumps in the road, but he has taken more of the lead in our everyday life, and has treated me with kindness, respect, love, and much more since he has taken for lack of better words… Head out of his butt…

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

The stigma against the word “slave”

I was involved in an online group discussion and the question was:

Why is the word “Master” somehow more acceptable or commonly used than the word “slave?”

Often people will interchange the words Dominant and Master, but this doesn’t seem to be the case with submissive and slave.

Do you feel like there is a negative connotation to the word “slave,” more so than “Master?” Or is this not the case? Why do you feel one way or the other?

If there weren’t negative connotations associated with “slave” do you feel like more people would sign on to be slave versus a submissive?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: Tips for Taking Care of Your BDSM and Sex Toys
In 2014: So You Want to Share Your Kink with Your Vanilla Partner by Boundobedience
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Have A Threesome or I’m Leaving!
In 2012: BDSM To Cure Insomnia by ted_subby
In 2011: Self Love in a D/s Relationship

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Did you know entering your relationship that it would be a Master/slave relationship, or has it evolved from a different dynamic over time?
How do you feel when punished? Are you able to accept it or do you carry the burden within you for awhile?
Are you allowed to masturbate? Do you have any rules governing self pleasure?
Have you had a mentor before? What can having a mentor do for you?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – PolyWeekly
PW 477: What’s the trick to triads?

5 May 2016, 1:00pm GMT

→ Polyamory Weekly

What’s the trick to triads? Email polyweekly@gmail.com, call 802-505-POLY, Twitter @polyweekly or visit www.polyweekly.com or www.facebook.com/polyweekly

MP3 audio (41MB, 30min)

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Published on May 08, 2016 10:00

May 6, 2016

Strong and Submissive: Exploring the Phenomenon of Strong Female Submissives

By Sensuous Sadie

If I had a nickel for every submissive who hit on me, I could open my own dungeon. The real bummer about the whole thing is that I’m submissive myself. Oh sure, I top now and then, but when it comes down to it, my BDSM orientation is submissive. So, you ask, why are submissives glomming onto me like those alien pancakes glommed onto the officers of the Star Trek enterprise? That answer is easy – it’s my dominant personae. It starts with being a plus-sized woman, one who wears sexy and dramatic clothing. It continues with my articulate mind, my direct way of speaking, and my forwardness in asking for what I want.

Yet that person, that public person, is not my sexual orientation. I say orientation in the sense that I’ve committed myself to the lifestyle and no longer date ‘nilla guys. When it comes to the bedroom, I love to serve. I love to be taken. I love to suffer. I love it all.

So why’s it so hard to believe?

We’ve all seen media images of the powerful male executive who sees a mistress on the side. We understand that men like this need some time to let go, to not be in charge. Yet we never see media images of the powerful female executive slipping out for a quick bondage session, although the housewife donning a PVC catsuit to whip up a few afternoon callers is common enough. These are roles we’re all familiar with – the successful male executive and the housewife. These are roles that don’t make any waves in our patriarchal culture, at least in public where it counts. You’d think that in a culture that teaches women to give up their own needs for others, the obvious rebellion would be to go Domme, but the obvious is not always the reality.

The dynamics of who we are in the bedroom (broadly speaking) versus who we are as people are circuitous. Just as the mind and soul and body are all intertwined, so is our sexual orientation intertwined with who we are a whole person. Yet it does not automatically follow that they should present the same. If that were so then we would all be exactly as we appear. We would no longer have our humanity of equal parts art and soul. Why should a person submissive in the bedroom also be assumed to also submit in life? There’s no obvious rational to that statement, yet it’s so commonly asked of me I have to believe that people cannot understand the difference between sexual orientation and personhood. The corollary is that dominants, usually men, often assume that I will submit to them simply because they are a master, even though they are not MY master. Is this arrogance or just inexperience? Is it simpleminded and simpleheaded, or simply ignorant?

On the broader level for both men and women, there is often a confusion between submission and passivity. Being submissive doesn’t mean you let people take advantage of you. In fact, having a strong self means that you have more to give a dominant. If you are nothing, if you are a doormat, there’s no challenge or excitement in dominating you. Being a doormat is not an act of submission but rather state of helplessness which invites abuse.

I am a submissive, which is a proactive choice of seeking to please my partner. He, in an equally proactive way, gives me the control and care I need. It’s an equal exchange, so unlike the vanilla world where women are often taken for granted. One if the wonderful differences in the D/s community is that the submissive (female or male) may well bring home the bacon as well as fry it up in a pan, but because the exchange is a negotiated agreement, her contributions are fully appreciated and taken into consideration. This is not the assumption of the traditional family dynamic where women are often working full-time and have to come home to care for the home and children on top of that, with little help from their partners.

Generally speaking, both female and male dominants carry the trait of dominance in their sexual orientation as well as in their lives. And while the image of the successful male executive who is submissive may be a popular stereotype, I don’t actually know any men like this. In fact, my experience with submissive men is that they tend to also be submissive in a broader sense.

The interesting dynamic arises with submissive women. About half of us are like me – powerful energetic women who love to submit. The other half (or so) are submissive in all areas of their lives, quite often even passive.

What does this gender difference mean? I’m guessing that the traditions of women’s roles in our culture particularly affect those of us who are submissive sexually. Many of us struggle with wanting to express our submissive sides without losing the independence our foremothers fought for. We recognize that feminism is threatened by women who claim their submissive sexual nature. Of course we don’t want to lose what feminism has given us – freedom to vote, to work, to make our own choices. But real feminism is about freedom to choose – which includes choosing our orientation. It is only through educating our submissive sisters and our vanilla brethren that we will help everyone understand that being submissive does not necessarily diminish our strength as women, individually or collectively. It is only when we become passive that we are truly diminished.

On the most superficial level I too am that executive woman. I make decisions all day; I don’t want to make them in the bedroom. But it’s far more than that. One of the downsides of being a strong woman is that people figure you don’t need attention or nurturing, but they could not be more wrong. In fact, because we receive less, we actually need it more than most. Being submissive allows me to accept the nurturing that I need, that everyone needs.

Part of that nurturing is being the center of attention. This person, this dominant has spent time, money, and energy planning a scene designed just for me. It is so focused on me that he may not even orgasm, and is entirely understanding when I do the classic obnoxious lover’s move of rolling over and falling asleep after the scene. On the surface the classic scene is enacted by the dominant, but at the foundation it’s about taking the submissive into a different headspace. And, hackneyed as the phrase has become, it also comes down to the submissive being ultimately in control. I give up my power within a certain sphere of influence, but even then, even at the very last minute I can make it all stop anytime by simply speaking my safeword.

On a deeper level, serving is a spiritual act. Although I’m not a Christian, I like the story about how Jesus washed his follower’s feet. In serving another, I put my self aside. My demanding, selfish, childish self. The self that wants what I want when I want it. But for those few minutes of serving, I am lifted above my mundane wants. When I am free to fully express that side of myself, my submissive side, then I become even more of the strong woman that I am outside the bedroom, the strong woman who revels both in her strength and in her submission.

Sensuous Sadie is a BDSM columnist and edits SCENEsubmissions, a free e-newsletter for the New England area and beyond. She is the founder and leader (1999 – 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont’s first BDSM group.

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Published on May 06, 2016 07:00

May 4, 2016

Ask Submissive Guide: Ready to Get Kinky

So I am not satisfied with my boyfriend. I don’t know how to go about telling him, I want to dominated. I am not responding to vanilla sex anymore, and need more. I need/want him to be domineering, to know he will take care of my wants and needs. We have had bumps in the road, but he has taken more of the lead in our everyday life, and has treated me with kindness, respect, love, and much more since he has taken for lack of better words… Head out of his butt…

What I find lacking is the heat in the bedroom. We have chemistry, and there is still that spark, but I am not being fulfilled, and honestly I don’t think he is either. I guess I am nervous about having this conversation, and I am uneducated in this area… I have only begun to research this lifestyle. I am not sure where to go from here. I definitely know that this is something I want/need. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Ready to Get Kinky

Hey there, Kinky! It seems to me that you know the first part of this answer, but you’re nervous which is understandable. You need to sit down with him and have a conversation about what you want from him and your relationship. That’s the first part of the answer, but that’s not enough, I know.

Knowing you need to talk isn’t the same as actually having the conversation and saying the words. What’s encouraging to me, based on your letter, is that he’s taken a lead in your everyday life, which may mean he has some dominant tendencies already. It’s possible he could be waiting for you to tell him you want him to take the lead in the bedroom. This is especially possible because you’re sensing that he’s not being fulfilled with what you have now.

So step one, realize you need to talk to him. Yes, it’s nerve-wracking, and you may break out into a sweat thinking about it, but go ahead and get used to the idea. If you go down the this kinky road, whether into a full D/s relationship or just with a little bit of kink, you’ll need to spend a lot of time talking because communication is one of the top “rules” of D/s and BDSM.

Now, what do you do next? You make a plan. Here’s what I recommend that people do when they want to talk to their partner about going from vanilla to kinky:

Let him know you want to talk, but set a time to do it. Don’t bombard him when he walks in the door. Don’t surprise him when he first wakes up. Tell him you really want to talk and want to find a time when you can have his full attention.
When you talk to him, be honest. Let him know that the chemistry and spark are still there for you, but something is missing. If you want him to be dominant in the bedroom, say that. You may lead with: “I love how you’ve taken the lead in your lives, and I would really like it if you did that in the bedroom.”
Give him examples of things you’d like him to do or things you want to try with him.
Be patient. He may jump on board with the idea, or he may be hesitant at first. Give him time to wrap his mind around what you’re asking. Don’t push him too fast.
Be prepared to learn and grow together in this. You said you’re still researching the lifestyle. Share with him what you’ve found and read, and then spend time talking about what you’re both learning. Even people in long-term established D/s relationships learn new things all the time.
Get used to the idea that you’re both going to need to learn how to talk to one another and be very honest with each other about what you need and what you want out this. Getting into kink is more than one conversation and then some rough sex. You’re both going to need to talk a lot – about what you like, don’t like, how you feel, what you think, you name it.
Realize that D/s is a two-way street. You want him to take care of your needs and wants, well, you also need to be prepared to take care of his needs and wants, too – within your personal limits. You’ll need to talk about what you both want and need, and then figure out what works best for both of you.
Take it slow. Even if he’s really enthusiastic and wants to get kinky right away, don’t jump into the more extreme aspects of the lifestyle – bondage, floggings, etc. – until you’ve had time to learn how to do that stuff. Start small and work up to other things that sound interesting or turn you on.

Keep researching, ask questions of people online who are in the lifestyle, join forums, and have the conversation with him. You never know what may happen between you – it could exceed your wildest dreams. I hope it does!

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

May 3, 2016

Feeling Like a Failure as a Slave

Dinner time at our house is 6 PM. In my opinion, it’s like the perfect time. Not too early, gives Daddy and I a couple of hours to catch up on our TV shows or to watch a movie and afterwards gives us time to do our own thing before bed. I’m usually very good about having dinner done before six, but there are times where that doesn’t happen.

The other night, I made baked spaghetti. It’s one of Daddy’s favorites. As I was shredding the cheese to put on top right before popping it in the oven, I asked Daddy what time it was. He told me it was 6:18. 6:18!! I found myself standing there thinking how did this happen. I had no idea how I had let time get away from me. From the living room Daddy told me to calm down, that it wasn’t a big deal, and that I’m not a failure. Daddy knows very well how my mind works because I have this thing where if I mess up, and I don’t even have to mess up, I don’t know how to really describe it, but I start feeling like I have let Daddy down and that I am a failure as a slave.

Before I go any further I want to clarify that Daddy hasn’t done or said anything to make me feel this way if things don’t go as planned. This is one of those things that is totally on me.

I know I’m human. Since I am human, that means I’m going to make mistakes. There is nothing I can do to change that. I will never be perfect, no matter how hard I try. Something that I have always been working on, and probably will be working on until the day I die is that if I make a mistake, it isn’t the end of the world. If dinner is a little late, if I accidentally run out of something(very rarely happens, but it does!), or forget to run an errand, the world is not going to start crumbling around me, but it feels that way. Especially when it’s something for Daddy.

I hate the idea of letting Daddy down or Him be disappointed in me. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I’m pretty sure a lot of s-types out there will agree with that. When I feel like that, I know I just wanna find a hole to crawl in and stay there for a while until the self loathing stops(because honestly, that’s kinda what it really is, at least for me). Something else I’ve noticed about myself when I make mistakes is I have a tendency to then hyper focus on the mistake I made which then means I lose focus of a lot of other stuff and then tend to make even more mistakes which then starts spiraling out of control. When this starts to happen, I find myself having to take a step back and center myself.

I know, believe me I know how terrible it is to feel like a failure and how easy it is to focus on the mistakes(if you’re like me, you tend to see yourself as failing, maybe not a huge failure, but you still see it as a failure) you’ve made. But you can’t focus on the mistakes you’ve made. The best thing you can do is to learn from your failings. Okay, you screwed up. Take a moment to see how and why you messed up and learn from that. You also need to realize that just because you failed at something, doesn’t make YOU a failure. You are NOT your mistakes. I do know this is something that’s easier said than done, but like everything else in life, it takes time. Here are some other tips I’ve found that can help when you find yourself feeling like a failure.

Don’t compare yourself to others. There have been so many times I find myself thinking that so and so wouldn’t have made the mistake I did. There’s a good chance that so and so would make the same mistake as well because so and so is human and plus, you are you and not so and so.

Learn from your failures. When you make a mistake, you’re given an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and it also gives a great opportunity for personal growth. I have learned a lot about myself as a person and a slave from my mistakes.

Ask for reassurance. Once upon a time, my godfather told me some really awesome advice that I carry with me to this very day. Until you can see yourself the way others see you, then trust the opinions of those people. If you need to hear from someone who you’re not a failure, ask. From time to time, I need reassurance from Daddy that I’m not a failure.

It’s not a failure until you give up. No matter how many times you may fail at a task, you never truly fail until you give up. I really like this quote by Marc Chernoff: You never fail until you’re satisfied with failure. – Failure is not falling down; failure is staying down when you have the choice to get back up. Sometimes you have to fail a thousand times to succeed. Which means you haven’t really failed yet; you’ve just found a bunch of ways that don’t work. So don’t get so hung up on a few failed attempts that you miss every new opportunity coming your way.

It’s hard dealing with failure in a vanilla setting, but from my personal experience, dealing with failure within a power exchange relationship sometimes feels like it’s multiplied by a thousand and that is such a sucky feeling. But you can’t let that sucky feeling define you and your submission.

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Published on May 03, 2016 07:00

May 2, 2016

8 Secrets for Supporting a Stressed Dominant Partner

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 1-23-16

Stress comes in many forms. Perhaps your partner is having trouble at work. Or maybe he’s caring for his aging parents. Or perhaps there’s tension between your Dominant and an extended family member or close friend. Or maybe your Dominant is sick, suffering from a health problem or concern. Research suggests that couples who actively manage stress together improve their relationship durability over time.

“Stress impacts our love relationships more than we are aware of or acknowledge,” according to Judy Ford, a licensed clinical social worker and author of Every Day Love: The Delicate Art of Caring for Each Other. Part of the problem is that stress is entrenched in our everyday. “Stress has become such a normal part of daily life that partners become immune to the symptoms and warning signs,” she said.

Whatever it is, your Dominant has been distant, touchy, and absent—shirking his usual responsibilities. You want to be there, but you also want to be treated with respect.

What to do?
Voice the effect this stress has on your relationship and your submission to them. Don’t ignore it or talk around it. At the same time, don’t judge. Voice it as evidence, in much the same way a scientist might note the behavior of a mouse he or she is studying. You might say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been getting takeout instead of cooking lately” or “whenever I try to talk to you, you seem distant. I’d love to know what’s going on.”
State your concerns. Often, what’s really on your mind is this: fear. Few of us, however, are willing to admit that. So we end up talking around the fear, often blaming the stressed person, which ends up starting a fight. Simply state the truth, “I’m worried that we are growing apart” or “I’m worried that I can’t handle this all without your help” or “I’m afraid you don’t trust me enough to open up to me.” Have the courage to be vulnerable. It’s your vulnerability that will allow your Dominant to feel safe enough to lean on you.
Recognize and respect different coping mechanisms: People cope very differently with stress. Some people like to talk everything out as soon as possible, while others need silent downtime. It’s important to recognise you and your partner might not cope in the same way, and there isn’t necessarily a “right” way. Try to accept differences and find ways to accommodate and facilitate your partner to cope in their own way.
Listen. Our partners just want to be seen, heard and acknowledged. Rather than do that, however, many of us attempt to solve their problem. After all, it’s a lot easier to solve other people’s problems than it is to solve our own. If you feel the urge to jump in and offer advice, hold back. Instead, listen and acknowledge with statements like, “That must be hard for you” and “That must be so frustrating.” Know that sometimes listening means that you don’t press when your Dominant says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” It also might mean that you don’t jabber away when your partner is anxious, because your chatter just works to heighten the anxiety. Be okay with silence. It might not be what you would need in such a situation, but it might be exactly what your Dominant needs.
Be there. This might be as simple as sitting quietly with them while you hold hands. Or it might entail accompanying your Dominant during a stressful moment, such as visiting the doctor for test results. It might be rubbing their feet. It could be initiating in the bedroom—and doing all the physical work during the actual event, too. Being there means that you do what you need to do to get your own mind under control. Do deep breathing, meditation, exercise or venting (to your friends, not to your Dominant) to get your own stress out of your system. But don’t try to control your Dominant’s mind. Don’t say things like, “You have nothing to feel scared about” or “This is nothing to stress over.” That minimizes your partner’s situation. If you want to know what it feels like to be minimized, think about how you felt the last time someone told you to stop worrying, stop being so angry, or stop feeling so stressed over something so minor.
Temporarily ease the burden. If needed, offer to pick up some slack around the house or elsewhere to free up your Dominant to deal with this stressful issue with his or her full attention. Help them solve problems.
Care for yourself. Again, this is where so many of us (myself included) go wrong. We spend so much time caring for our Dominant that we neglect our own needs. Soon we’re the ones who need special nursing and attention.
Allow your Dominant to seek refuge in television reruns, too much sleep, or some other seemingly dysfunctional practice, especially if your partner doesn’t usually wallow in this way. On the other hand, if your Dominant is constantly stressed—the kind of person who is a walking basket case 24/7/365—then you’ll want to create a boundary. It might sound like this, “I’m going to be here for you as much as I can until the end of the month. After that, I really think that it’s time for you to try counseling.”

Have you supported your Dominant through a stressful time? What worked? What didn’t? Has your partner supported you? What did you find helpful? What drove you nuts? What additional advice do you think others might try?

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Published on May 02, 2016 07:00

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