Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 26

Ask Submissive Guide: He Wants Me to Send Money as a Sign of Commitment

I have met someone online and he has asked me to be his submissive. After much talk etc… I agreed he then asked for money as a gift to show commitment to him and to show I was serious about this ? This has made me wary I have done everything else he has asked and we have spoken both sexual and in general. I also asked for safe words and he said he’s never needed them before. Should I be wary and back off?

Thanks,
Getting Bad Vibes

Dear Bad Vibes,

While it’s very good that you spent time talking and feel like you got to know him before becoming his submissive, being asked for money as a sign of commitment to him and the D/s dynamic is not okay. You don’t have to pay someone to prove you want to be in this relationship. The only time that might be acceptable in a D/s relationship is if you have a financial fetish of some sort, but I’m guessing by your concern and your questions, you don’t. Please do not send him money, and if you have, consider it the cost of learning a hard lesson.

You have every right to ask for certain things within your relationship as this person’s submissive, including safe words. He may not use them when he plays with others, but if you want to use one, and he wants to be in a D/s relationship with you, that means he needs to use it. You have every right to negotiate what makes you feel safe and secure – especially in the beginning of the relationship – and that definitely includes safe words.

Anytime your instincts tell you to be wary, it’s a good idea to listen to them. In this case, this person is sending out red flags that he either doesn’t understand D/s or he’s posing as a Dominant and simply wants someone who will let him do what he wants. Stay safe out there, and don’t let anyone calling themselves a “dominant” bully or push you into doing anything that doesn’t make you feel safe or sound right to you.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 01, 2016 07:00

The Art of Apology: Knowing When to Apologize

This is part two of The Art of Apology. Would you like to read the previous article first?

More often than not, we know the moment that we say or do something that our words and actions are going to merit an apology to someone. Most of us have that voice inside our heads that immediately says, “I can’t believe you just did that!” or “Well, you’re in trouble now.” If we’re in the middle of an argument, it’s hard to listen to that voice, and to be honest, if you’ve gotten to the point in a discussion where you’re saying things in the heat of the moment, my only real advice is to advocate walking away from the situation until you’ve had a chance to calm down. But for simplicity, let’s say the argument or disagreement is over and done with. How do you know when you owe someone an apology?

1) If you legitimately regret what you’ve said or done, then you probably owe someone an apology.

Sometimes, we don’t need to analyze our actions. We can see the results as we say the words or perform the deed, and the fact that we’ve caused someone pain, discomfort, sadness, etc. makes us feel guilty. We know that we’ve done something wrong, we know that someone else is hurting because of it, and we wish that we could take our words or actions back.

For most people, this is enough, and it’s about the truest reason to offer someone an apology. You’re sorry for what you’ve done, you want to take it back, and you understand that even though the apology doesn’t erase what happened, expressing that you were wrong gives you the opportunity to let the other person know that you didn’t mean what you said.

For other people, like me, who need a little more of a push, we have reason number two:

2) If you’ve done or said something that you know to be wrong, unfair, or unkind, you probably owe someone an apology.

This might feel like it’s a no-brainer, but it’s important enough that it needs pointing out—especially if, as stated above, you’re a more stubborn or less empathetic personality.

As a species, people can occasionally be selfish and self-serving. It’s a product of our ambition to compete, to survive, and to get ahead of the people around us. Likewise, there are certain things in life that just inspire the mean-streak in us. Most of us do a good job (99.9% of the time) to be more empathetic and understanding; the occasional .01% isn’t pleasant, but the potential is there. So, even if you’re in a situation where you honestly do not regret what you said or the actions that you took, it’s important to recognize that you still might owe someone an apology.

As a submissive:

Sometimes, we don’t have a choice in when we owe an apology; our actions are deemed inappropriate by our Dom, and whether we consider what we’ve done or said to be incorrect, we occasionally have to suck it up and apologize. In some ways, this can be a relief, as it alleviates us of the responsibility of determining when we were or were not in the wrong. In other ways, this is dangerous, because we can become a little too reliant on having someone else to answer to. More than that, it’s easy to develop the mentality of, “if I’m not caught, I’m not responsible.”

As subs, it’s important that we retain responsibility for our own actions. If we don’t understand why an apology is being expected from us, then it’s our responsibility to ask for an explanation of how and where we went wrong. It’s up to use to use our common sense to act within the restrictions of our relationships, and to determine whether we need to bite the bullet and apologize, or negotiate/rationalize our behavior and the impending consequences.

Alternatively, if we do something irresponsible, inside of our relationship or out of it, we need to be able to stand up and take responsibility for our choices, without our Doms holding us accountable.

The next article will address how to apologize once you’ve decided that you need to do so. In the meantime, take a moment to consider:

How do you determine when you need to apologize for something? How often do you find yourself apologizing?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on May 31, 2016 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

I posted the GoFundMe plea for assistance on Thursday and as of the time I’m writing this post on Saturday afternoon, I’ve received over $1400! You guys are amazing. I didn’t think I’d get nearly this much and the relief I feel about being able to keep the site going for 2 months now, with the possibility of having the full 3 months funded soon is so humbling. KnyghtMare and I are far from comfortable again, as we do still have our own existence to take care of, but at least my ability to make an income and provide for all of you is safe for now. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Let’s move on to what’s going on here!

I Need Your Help! Submissive Guide is Ready to Grow, But Can’t Do So With Out Your Support!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Afraid of Not Being Me Anymore: Transformation Without Fear
The Importance of Being Your Own Person by tequilarose
Simply Service e-Zine: May 2005
Please Help Me Keep Submissive Guide Online!

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where we help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

none

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

How did this all get started for you?

How did this all get started for you? Have you always known you are submissive? Did it start in the bedroom for you or were you seeking to give up control everywhere? Was it a particular person or event in your life that sparked your interest in BDSM?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: Ask lunaKM Quickies – Out of Spit and Can You Toughen Up Nipples
In 2014: A Day in the Life of Tequila Rose
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Quick Fire Answers on Being a Great Submissive, Guilt, Shame and More
In 2012: Book Review: Where I Am Led: A Service Exploration Workbook
In 2011: How to Talk Dirty

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are. -Max De Pre
Do you sleep chained? Are you tied to the bed? Are you allowed to leave the bed during the night? Are you allowed in your owner’s bed at all?
What unexpected skill have you found to be most useful in your service?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Reality of Kink
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Reality of kink #005 – How I got into BDSM

25 May 2016, 12:34am GMT

→ Reality of Kink

So It’s been more than a year, sorry about that. But with that out of the way, I am going to dig into the vaults of my almost 10 years on Youtube and start posting every week. first off a look into how I got into BDSM.

MP3 audio (10MB, 11min)

Podcast RSS

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on May 29, 2016 10:00

Please Help Me Keep Submissive Guide Online!

I love Submissive Guide. I love writing here and sharing my world with you. I love seeing the responses and the emails of people who have learned and grown by using this site as a resource. And now to see it in danger or going offline has me so stressed out.

I’ve shared with you recently that KnyghtMare and I are experiencing some financial struggle. So I’m cracking it wide open so that you know exactly what kind of situation this site is in. KnyghtMare hasn’t had any work since January. Then our credit cards ran out, our emergency fund ran dry and we stopped paying most of our bills. I’ve worked a couple of part time jobs and searching for something more stable since emergency fund went empty. All that could do was keep us fed and the lights on. We don’t qualify for much in the way of state aid because they use last year’s tax return, not our current crisis. Trust me, I’ve tried. We are behind on May’s rent and we don’t have June’s either. So, it’s likely that an eviction will also be happening soon. Thankfully, KnyghtMare’s job is starting next week but it might be too late for us to not have a hiccup, to not have to leave this apartment and to not be able to sustain the site.

This has been a hard thing to decide to do. I don’t like asking for help from strangers. If I don’t get help from somewhere the bills for server and bandwidth and the other services I use to deliver emails, ecourses and newsletters will shut down. This all starts to happen June 10th. But before that, the business bank account where these bills are drawn on is withdrawn from May’s site bills. It won’t be much longer before they close it on us.

I know I waited until the very last-minute to ask. I truly believed we’d survive this and you wouldn’t have to know. If you can help, I’ve set up a gofundme account. Each month’s site bills average $650. I’ve set the bar at $2000 so that the site can run for the entire summer without stressing us financially. I hope to then be back on our feet.

If this site has helped you in the past, please consider helping it stay online now. If you’ve wanted to give back in some way, but haven’t known how, here’s how.

Please help keep Submissive Guide online and publishing content.

Simply Service e-Zine: May 2005

It’s time for another Simply Service newsletter. This one has some interesting communication articles and one really good one on leather care. Check it out!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

On to the May edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2005.

Contents
Ritualizing the Ordinary by slave jean
Discovering Leather Care as Service by Sean Michael
Part II of the The Write Stuff: Written Communication in Service by morgana (Part I appeared in the April 2005 issue)
Part II of the Mental Orgasm: The Phenomenon of Brain Sex series by Wyllo (Part 1 appeared in the April 2005 issue)
Hand Signals as a tool of communication by BootPig

May 2005

Download Now!
Related Posts:
Simply Service e-Zine: April 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: March 2005
Nonverbal Ways to Safeword
Simply Service e-Zine: February 2005
How to Keep Yourself From Being Overwhelmed in a Service Dynamic

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on May 25, 2016 07:00

The Importance of Being Your Own Person

Before I moved to Germany, Daddy and I had a lot of serious discussions. We talked about culture shock and homesickness, things I would have to deal with after moving here, all that kind of stuff. There’s one conversation in particular I remember. I asked Him if I would have to give up all my US traditions when I moved. I don’t know why, but this was such a huge fear of mine. That once I was on German soil, no more Thanksgiving, no more binge watching A Christmas Story on Christmas, no more Charlie Brown at Halloween. I can’t tell you how much this thought scared me, the idea of losing a part of who I am.

Daddy reassured me that just because I was moving halfway around the world didn’t mean I had to give these things up. He knows how important the traditions I grew up with are to me. Not only are they important to who I am, they are a part of who I am, just as much as my brown eyes are and there’s nothing that can be done to change those things about me.

A lot of times when s-types, and I think this is especially true when completely new to the lifestyle and also in new relationships, it can be easy to lose yourself in the relationship and your submission. This happens in all relationships, not just power exchange relationships. I think it may be more prone to happen in power exchange relationships because feelings and emotions tend to be more intense. I’ve been there. More than once. Sometimes I get so consumed with my submission and focusing on Daddy that I feel like I’m losing who I am as an individual. Yes, being a slave and my submission is a part of who I am, but that’s not the only part of me.

I remember a conversation I had with my Hooker awhile ago. I told her that I felt like I wasn’t focusing enough on Daddy and wanted her to change my Facebook password for me so I couldn’t get into my account. That Facebook was too much of a distraction to my submission. There were a few moments before she replied to my request and I will never forget what she said to me. She told me that she knows how much I love Him and there’s nothing wrong with that or wanting to be the best slave I could be, but I need to make sure to not have my head so far up His ass that I lose who I am. See, this is why I love my Hooker. She knows just what to say to help me pull my head out of my ass.

Yes, it is important to be devoted to your partner. I’m not saying that, but what I am saying is that it’s just as important to have your own life outside of your partner. You need to make sure to have time to do your own thing, the things that you enjoy doing, things that you did before you met your partner. An example, as much as I do enjoy gaming with Daddy, I love reading a whole lot more. I’ve always been an avid reader. On average, I usually read two to three books a month, if not more. Daddy understands this. He knew when we met that I am a huge bibliophile and that I need time to read. Just like I understand that He needs time to game, which is one of His hobbies. I do enjoy gaming, but not as much as He does and that’s okay. Having our individual hobbies doesn’t hurt our relationship.

It’s awesome to be in a relationship. I will never deny that. It’s awesome that I have someone whom I love deeply and dearly and can completely submit to. I love being able to submit as deeply and wholly as I do. Being a slave is a huge part of who I am, but it’s not all of me. It’s important for me to be my own person as well. That is something that every s-type needs to remember, that it’s important to be your own person as well.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on May 24, 2016 07:00

Afraid of Not Being Me Anymore: Transformation Without Fear

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 2/20/16

When you become submissive to someone, you could be afraid to lose who you were before the power exchange. I know I was afraid of changing too much when I began to identify as a slave instead of a submissive. Would I even recognize myself? Could I still be opinionated and silly, obsessed with Pentatonix and Minecraft or would I have to give up everything that I am now? It was terrifying. I had read stories of submissives and slaves who could no longer listen to their favorite music, find time to read their favorite books, and even appeared to never have free time. But, in reading all that, I also knew that going further in my submission to KnyghtMare was what I wanted… no, needed. I was constantly reaching for more that I could be, feel more and do more to show him I wanted to be his perfect mate. And in the end, I have nothing to regret. That transformation wasn’t as scary as I thought and I’m still me.

I’m a more genuine me, in fact.

Becoming submissive does not mean you stop being who you are now. All of my advice has always been that you should be you, just a better you. The best you that you can put forward. Submissive does not overtake your humor or your quirky nature. For the perfect partner, it only makes it a complete you. A Dominant will love that you are submissive and that you cry when you see adorable puppies on TV. They will even find you interesting when you marathon “Bridezillas”. Your perfect partner will have their own personal quirks that you will have to adjust to. It’s a part of their overall package too. Having said that, there will be change.

I have changed since becoming KnyghtMare’s submissive. I’m far more polite and patient. The poor manners that I picked up from my parents have almost all been wiped away. I’m full of happiness, it’s harder to get me down and I don’t think I’ve ever had such peace in my role in life. My bad behaviors have been squashed. He continues to work with me through my negative habits and helps to instill better, stronger and much improved ones. I’m becoming a better person.

None of my friends have said that they notice anything negative. In fact the positive compliments and the joy that radiates from me always shows through. Year after year they know that whatever type of relationship I have with KnyghtMare, it is the one that I needed. And when you find your true self you’ll feel it too – and so will everyone around you. If you fear the change, it will overtake you. But if you embrace positive enhancement you will come out the other side with so much more to give the world.

While right now you are afraid of what may come, nothing good comes easy. You will be making changes to your normal pattern of behavior. It will feel uncomfortable and foreign. I can tell you that some of the changes took me mere days and others I’m still working on 10 years later. Positive change feels good, no matter the effort, the struggle and the mistakes you’ll make along the way. Trust me there will be mistakes. Mistakes help you learn and grow, if you listen to them.

The idea that submissives will change drastically when submitting in a relationship often comes from a widely distributed myth that you have to be broken in order to submit. Somehow, Dominants also believe this lie and propagate it in their profiles as if they know exactly what that entails. Let’s start out with understanding one thing. Breaking a person’s will is dangerous and can have lasting consequences. While it’s a hot fantasy, it’s not without severe penalties in real life. “Someone who is broken may not be able to reestablish themselves and function in the world again. Their ability to find and maintain employment may be compromised” (M/s for the Rest of Us, pg 91). It’s permanent psychological damage and can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The idea of “being broken” goes against all that I teach here and my personal understanding of power exchange. Be careful if you choose to go there; you may not come out a whole person.

So how can you transform without breaking? Through care and guidance, through using coaching and support. And most importantly, through wanting to do it for yourself. Hopefully you’ve had a talk with your partner about how you see your submission looking like and found some common ground with them to work towards. After all, change won’t happen if you can’t agree. Remember you don’t have to settle for changes you don’t agree with. Conversely, the person who is willing to gamble and embrace change has a greater chance of achieving success.

Dealing with Change
Be flexible – you improve your chances of succeeding by being flexible and adapting to change. Take a look at what is required of you in these new circumstances after changes have been implemented in your life.
Communication is imperative – this is especially true when you are facing change. Effective communication has a positive impact while the lack of it has negative consequences. So talk to your Dominant not only in the beginning but throughout your transformation.
Envision the big picture – realize that the goals of making change are usually beneficial. The sooner you see the big picture, the better off you will be.
Perform self-assessments – Self-assessments help you determine your strengths and weaknesses while showing you where you need to improve.
Realize that change is inevitable and is the only aspect of our lives that is constant – as we grow older, we experience change in our personal lives.
Recognize the stages of change – these include shock, denial, guilt, anger, and moving on. In some way, the stages of change resemble the stages of grief over the death of a loved one.
Stay positive – keeping a positive attitude during change will enable you to handle the uncertainties that come with it.

Hopefully if you take nothing else from this article, that you will accept that change can be a healthy and positive experience when you have the love, support and trust with your Dominant. Without those things, change is often filled with doubt and fear – if you feel fear of change, perhaps you need to address the trust and communication issues that might exist. Don’t worry about losing yourself, because in the right hands you will come out an improved version of who you really are – and that’s beautiful.

Thoughts to Ponder
What changes do you want to make to your life to improve yourself or your submission?
Is change scary to you? Why?
How do you feel about a Dominant requesting changes in a submissive? What hard limits do you have as far as changes you’re not willing to undergo?
Interesting Links
Why You’re So Afraid of Change (and What You Can Do About It)
6 Life Lessons on Embracing Change and Impermanence
Breaking a submissive -opinion piece
Related Posts:
Ask lunaKM – Can I make it in this lifestyle?
Developing Effective Communication in Long Distance Relationships
Ask lunaKM – Relationship Stress, Cruising Protocol and Poly Issues
Simple Steps to Creating a Personal Mantra
Submissive Advent – Day 10: Spreading Good Cheer

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on May 23, 2016 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

I’ve started packing for the big move this summer. So the forest of boxes will begin in the bedroom and then slowly move through the rest of the house. I’m not grabbing more boxes until I can get through the collection I have now. Maybe next weekend I’ll forage for more boxes.

Summer movie season is upon us and the theater announced $5 Tuesdays! So we’ll be headed to the theater a lot until we move. Woot!

Let’s move on to what’s going on here!

I Need Your Help! Submissive Guide is Ready to Grow, But Can’t Do So With Out Your Support!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!

Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

What is Aftercare? by Mistress Steel
The Art of Apology: The Importance of Apologizing by kallista
Stress Overpowering the Dynamic – Submissive Mediation Monday

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where we help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask Submissive Guide: Can’t Take the Pain

So lately I seem to be extra sensitive to pain, and by lately I mean the last several months. I’m worried that I’ve lost my ability to enjoy and endure pain. Is there something I can do to de-sensitize myself. I like pain and miss it!!

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

Masochism

Do you identify as both a submissive and masochist? Does masochism play a part in your submission?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: How The 50 Shades of Grey Series and Movie Have Impacted the BDSM Lifestyle
In 2014: Humor and Submission: Service with a Smile (and a laugh or two) by Lazlo Toth
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Shy Web Cam Model – Detrimental to Finding a Dominant?
In 2012: What It Means to be Collared by Lady Sneak
In 2011: Emotional Dependency in D/s Relationships

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are. -Max De Pre
Do you sleep chained? Are you tied to the bed? Are you allowed to leave the bed during the night? Are you allowed in your owner’s bed at all?
What unexpected skill have you found to be most useful in your service?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Erotic Awakening

EA396 – Core of a slave

20 May 2016, 2:42pm GMT

→ Erotic Awakening Podcast

This week on the Erotic Awakening Podcast, Dan & dawn talk about core aspects of being a slave. PLUS our question of the day is about labels for those new in the lifestyle Tags? Oh yea we got tags #labels #powerexchange Erotic Awakening is supported in part by KJ Canes! Check them out and use DND16 to get 10% off your order! click here and shop! Don’t miss an episode! Click here to subscribe via iTunes or here for any other method Part of the Erotic Awakening Podcast Network Click the banner above for other great shows spanning the realm of BDSM, Sacred Sexuality, Tantra, and simply fun kink!

MP3 audio (23MB, 25min)

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on May 22, 2016 10:00

What is Aftercare?

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Affectionate care and attention following any type of traumatic or mentally challenging event.

D/s relationships are engaged with a passion and intensity that are often so strong that they can strip away at the barriers and defenses that we normally use to protect ourselves from exactly those extremes. To ‘feel’ that intensity means that we are not ‘as safe’. To some extent we have stepped across our own thresholds of security and exposed some or all parts of our inner selves to the scrutiny and possible damage of others.

Scening can or may be seen as a compromise between what the submissive is seeking or desiring and how close to achieving those desires the Dominant’s own fears will allow them to go. This is a stretching in ‘both’ directions. Both the Dominant and the submissive often venture into areas they have never gone before. These areas can test their inner strength and resolve, their will and compassion. To retain ‘personal integrity’ or a belief in ourselves we have to stay within the ‘codes’ that we live by and believe in. In learning about ourselves we often test these codes to see if they are indeed ‘our’ codes or codes we have simply adopted by rote at some point along the way.

The road to ‘emerging’ as a Dominant or submissive is filled with these kinds of moral and ethical choices and the contradictions and apparent paradoxes that they present. Reconciling these contradictions and forming ‘true’ choices of who we are and what lines are inviolate within the self is a process that takes years and perhaps the entirety of our lives to discover fully.

When we ‘expose’ ourselves to another human being there is an expressed obligation by both people to refrain from injury or damage, offer solace, nurturing and care until that sense of exposure recedes. We call this period of time ‘aftercare’. Most often we associate this term with the time frame immediately following a ‘scene’. However, this term is equally applicable at many other points and times and many times is not associated with BDSM or D/s at all. Essentially it is an ‘understood’ promise that should exist prior to anyone agreeing to engage in any type of relationship. Often it is overlooked or ignored as an ‘incidental’. The concentration or focus of many people appears to be on the action ‘events’ such as any and all forms of BDSM or sexual interaction that may and in many cases will occur as part of the relationship. Minimizing the importance of aftercare is a mistake. Aftercare is a period of necessary ‘recovery’. This is a fundamental recovery of the self into a form competent and ‘safe’ to independently interact with other people.

Some aspects of BDSM trigger responses much like intoxication. The ability of the brain to rationalize or make important or serious decisions may be seriously impaired for a substantial period of time after an event or scene. Scening can and sometimes does summon up long hidden memories, feelings, emotions and traumas that the individual has kept safe behind the barrier wall or mental defense system that during a scene may suddenly no longer exist. We maintain these walls through diverting a portion of our mental energy to them at all times. In periods of low stress this constant trickle of energy is negligible. In periods of high mental activity the brain diverts energy toward activities which take precedence. Managing a BDSM scene will often become an activity of such precedencial choice. When this occurs the brain is no longer sustaining the wall and it may simply vanish, exposing what is behind it.

We maintain personal barriers and walls of defense to protect ourselves from things we know but perhaps have serious trouble dealing with. An example of this would be an automobile accident. Some portion of the brain does ‘know’ and fully experienced all that occurred during the accident or ‘event’. The extremes of the experience may be so great that a self protective determining factor inside the brain decides that it is ‘unhealthy’ for the cognizant areas of the brain to experience this event through memory loops over and over again. At that point this determining factor selectively places this event in a ‘safe area’ or behind one of the brains natural mental barriers or walls.

Should one of these ‘events’ become exposed then the individual may re-experience the event. It is vital to remember that these hidden events were considered to be potentially damaging when the real event occurred so much so that the brain took active steps to protect the individual from them. Supporting and assuring the person who has re-experienced one of these events that they are ‘safe’ is profoundly important. The new ‘information’ may be of a nature that they do have great difficulty coping with it and in some cases they may need good professional assistance from a qualified therapist.

Normal aftercare occurring without such an exposure is often the simple nurturing of one human to another. The support and protection of and from revealed intimacies and aiding and assisting in rebuilding the former protective walls, barriers or defenses. These protective mental measures appear to rebuild naturally as a simple part of how the brain functions and manages over a period of time. That time frame will vary with the individual and with the intensity of the experience itself. Aftercare in its most simple form is just being there with your partner for a sufficient time period that they feel safe and no longer feel the need to cling to you. It is equally important to recognize that aftercare is for both the Dominant and the submissive. If either person leaves too soon then their partner may feel abandonment or loss far exceeding the apparent parameters of the interaction.

It is also important to recognize that aftercare may be a serious factor when a relationship ends and especially when that ending is through the choice of one person and not the other. To some extent it remains the obligation of the person who makes that choice to extend aftercare support in a form agreeable to the person who has not made that choice until they have reached a point where they feel emotionally less devastated or more able to cope with the changed aspects of their life. In these days of acrimonious breakups it is common to act without dignity or respect for yourself and for the person whom you have engaged in a serious relationship with. This type of attack damages everyone involved and is seldom decent but most often reflects cowardly and selfish actions.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on May 20, 2016 07:00

Ask Submissive Guide: Can’t Take the Pain

So lately I seem to be extra sensitive to pain, and by lately I mean the last several months. I’m worried that I’ve lost my ability to enjoy and endure pain. Is there something I can do to de-sensitize myself. I like pain and miss it!!

Sincerely,
I Miss Being a Pain Slut!

Hey there, Pain Slut! Oh my goodness, I can (almost) feel your pain – no pun intended. I’ve had small moments where certain pain was unbearable. For it to last months must be frustrating.

My first thought is to ask about your health. Have you been more tired, more stressed, or more sick in those past few months? Have you been to a doctor? It’s very possible you could have something else going on that has nothing to do with pain that is interfering with your ability to handle it.

The next thing that comes to mind is your emotional state. Have things been okay in your relationships or encounters with whoever is dishing out the pain? Trust, fear, and worry can all wreak havoc on your ability to relax enough to ride the waves of pain. You may need to take some time to think about how you feel about the people you play with or anything else going on, and deal with that first. This may mean you must have hard conversations to let them know what’s going on with you or how they’re making you feel.

Have you tried other types of pain? That’s not a fix for the problem, but possibly a workaround. If you prefer stinging pains like that of the crop or quick flicks from the tips of a flogger, maybe it’s time to try more “thuddy” pains like a heavy paddle or heavy spanking – and of course, the same is true in reverse.

The only way I know to build endurance for pain is to start small. If lighter taps aren’t as unbearable, you may need to start there and work your way up, as if you’re new to the world of pain.

I wish I could give you more concrete information, and hopefully you’ll find the right solution for your (lack of) pain problem.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on May 18, 2016 07:00