Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 24

Book Review: Decoding Your Kink by Galen Fous MTP

I heard about Decoding Your Kink by Galen Fous MPT from Facebook. In several BDSM groups I’m in, this book was mentioned and had received positive feedback from those who read it and after seeing so many others interested in this book, my interest was piqued and decided to check it out. So I hopped right over to Amazon and picked up a copy.

I had never heard of the author before hearing of this book. So, I have to admit that made me even more curious about the book. The people who were recommending this book are people who are rather well known in the sex and kink community, so I figured that the author knew his stuff. And, he does. But before I go much further, I want to give you a little background about the author. Galen Fous, MTP has spent the past fifteen years as a sex positive sexuality counselor who has been helping individuals and couples come to terms with their sexuality and overcome past shame, fears, and trauma that these people have experienced. He’s also written several pieces that have been featured on The Good Men Project website as well as publicly active in sex positive, fetish/kink, and conscious sexuality communities since 1998.

This isn’t an introduction into BDSM book. Most of those talk about different types of play, checklists, contracts, and the rest of the usual stuff. This book is pretty much about the psychological aspect of being kinky and how society has taught people how sex is bad and to feel guilty about enjoying and embracing our kinks and the effect that society’s opinion towards sex has had on individuals. When I started reading this book, I assumed that I was picking up your average introduction to BDSM book. It was a nice surprise when I realized that wasn’t what I was reading. It was refreshing to see a book more about the psychological than the how to. As Fous talks about things, it makes the reader think about why they are drawn to their kinks, their own experiences they’ve had when fighting against societal norms, and why there’s no reason to feel guilt or shame for your sexual desires.

There are a couple of terms that Fous has coined and does use throughout the book. These did kind of throw me for a bit and are used quite often throughout the book, so it’s important to understand these words or you may find yourself a bit lost later on in the book. This did happen to me because at first I didn’t realize I would be seeing these words again at a later point.

The first word is fetishsexuality. Fous defines fetishsexuality as a representation of broad range of diverse practices, relationships, and communities within this over-arching term. The second is personal erotic myth, or PEM. Personal erotic myth is an innate, inherent, authentic sexual story or myth that is present and engaged in at some level during sex. Like any mythic tale, it contains fantasy imagery, story-lines, dialogue, props, settings, attire, personas and actions, that drive a person that has a PEM to orgasm, or other deep erotic states. It is often expressed in fetish, kink and D/s-BDSM oriented sex.

I really enjoyed reading this book. For me, I could tell that Fous poured his heart and soul into writing this book in hopes of helping other people who struggle with their sexual desires. This book is work of love. It is filled with the author’s own personal experiences and experiences of his clients. In my opinion, especially with sharing his own rocky path when dealing with being outed by his ex-wife, it helps readers know that they are not alone; that they aren’t the only ones who have had to deal with having their kink used against them and that feelings of shame and guilt can be overcome so that one can have a fulfilling sex life. While I was reading, I found myself highlighting and saving quite a few passages and feel like I have taken a lot away from this book. It gave me a lot to think about in terms of how I view and express my kinks and think more about how I feel towards them. It also helped me see how far I have come in my journey in the lifestyle, how once upon a time I was terrified to let anyone know about my kinks out of fear of rejection and also telling myself that I’m defective or a deviant for enjoying the things that I do. This isn’t a book to just skim through. To get the most of it, you need to take your time reading and processing and thinking about what you have read and how it applies to you and what steps you can do to help yourself alleviate any guilt or shame you may be feeling towards your own sexuality.

You can purchase a copy of Decoding Your Kink by Galen Faous in paperback and ebook form from Amazon today and you can visit the author’s website for more information about Fous and the book.

Product Information:

Tequila R’s Rating: 9/10

Paperback: 214 Pages

Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (November 25, 2015)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 1518659535

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 28, 2016 07:00

Learning to Appreciate the Small Moments – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

KnyghtMare and I are still working through some pretty massive stress that has impacted our dynamic and taxed our relationship. We are merely functioning in the same space some days. KnyghtMare’s long time girlfriend, Kiva, broke up with him at the end of May and he’s going through the long and painful grieving process for that relationship. Our money issues are starting to subside but now we are faced with the damage it has left behind and the long road to recovery. We have to move by the end of July because our lease is up. All of these negatives in our life and I have to force myself to appreciate the small things.

Everyone has time in their lives where things don’t feel like they are going their way at all. It can drag you down or you can search for the positive. I admit that I’ve spent several days over the past 4 months in bed because the weight of the world was just too much for me to bear that day. But when I do get out of bed, I find the small joy that will keep me going. For example, when KnyghtMare comes out of his grief shell to tell me he loves me and cares for me I store that piece of joy. When I receive a check from Subguide ads that I didn’t expect and can pay a bill, that weight is lifted and I can savor the sensation. And so it goes.

Learning to see even the small positives when your world is dim and you are struggling is not an easy task. I’m far from perfect at it, but as I learn I’m growing. I’ve maintained a gratitude log for the past month or so in my Bullet Journal to help keep me inspired and to recognize that my life isn’t filled completely with stress, anxiety and depression; we have flickers of light and they will only grow brighter in time.

You don’t have to be in such a terrible state that KnyghtMare and I are right now to appreciate the small moments in your life.

Activity

Sit down some time today and start a gratitude log. Write down at least one thing you are grateful for today. Remember it doesn’t have to be huge. If you do this on a regular basis you will learn to appreciate every tiny moment that gives you joy or a positive light in your world.

From Daisies and Storms

Appreciate ever glimmer of joy and happiness amidst the shower of negative emotions.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 27, 2016 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

We signed a lease on Thursday! It’s a much smaller place than we are currently but are willing to work with our situation and it will help us get back on track towards are dreams. KnyghtMare’s unemployment really hindered us but we will recover. We are moving in just over 2 weeks. I have so much to do by then but once it’s over we’ll be able to breathe easier. Until then, our income is tight, so if you’d like to contribute to helping us move, the GoFundMe campaign is still open until July 1st.

The GoFundMe plea for assistance is still going on and I’ll likely keep it open until July 1st. You guys are amazing. As of this post I’ve raised $2055. We’ll be back on our feet in no time with your help. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Let’s move on to what’s going on here!

I Need Your Help! Submissive Guide is Ready to Grow, But Can’t Do So With Out Your Support!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!

Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Some Issues with Consensuality by Mistress Steel
The 100/100 Rule: Why TPE Succeeds by Mrs. Darling
Weekend Giveaway: Enough to Make You Blush by Princess Kali (1 Winner)

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where we help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask Submissive Guide: Trying to Make a Poly Relationship Work

My Dom and I are basically in a LDR. We have been together for about 8 months. His job requirements are such that he travels consistently. In our relationship he identified as poly and I have great interest as well.
We decided that it would be in our best interest to become more stable in our relationship before seeking a third or any outside relationships. Recently he rescued a friend who was in a critical situation of her own. She is now his companion during his travels at this time.

What has happened is they have grown closer and a relationship has formed. Of course I found out not through he or she telling me, but there were pics involved. Once everything was said and done, he has explained he does indeed love her and they want a relationship. He still wants a relationship with myself as well. I feel very uncomfortable at the moment because of the distance he and I share. With the start of a new relationship I’m not sure if insecurities will overtake the relationship on my end, especially since it was started unbeknownst to me.

Do you have any advice on trying to make this situation work?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

Ouch! That HURTS.

What are your least favorite tools? Why do you dislike them? If you’re in a punishment dynamic, could these be an effective punishment even if you’re a masochist?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: Book Review: The Ritual of Dominance & Submission: A Guide to High Protocol Dominance & Submission
In 2014: A Day in the Life: moonlight by moonlight
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Humiliation as Punishment – Is it Healthy?
In 2012: Orgasm on Command Training – The Process for the Submissive
In 2011: Why I Used to Believe I Could Never Be a Slave

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What is one thing you have taught or are teaching your Dom?
“But I think it’s cool now It’s fun to be a woman and be sexy and feminine but also have that rad background, you know? But, yeah, I was definitely a tomboy.” -Catherine Bell
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” -Mahatma Gandhi
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The People of Kink

TPOK 206 – The Leather Lifestyle with Traeonna

12 Jun 2016, 10:59pm GMT

→ The People of Kink Live!

Traeonna is back again to talk about everything leather! If you love leather, the leather lifestyle or want to learn more about it then this is show for you! This will be Traeonna’s 3rd time on the show! Come join us LIVE!

MP3 audio (0MB, 60min)

Podcast RSS

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 26, 2016 10:00

Weekend Giveaway: Enough to Make You Blush by Princess Kali (1 Winner)

This contest is for US readers only.

This week’s giveaway is from Princess Kali. She has donated a copy of her amazing book on erotic humiliation called Enough to Make You Blush. I raved about it in a review here on the site if you wish to check it out. We also held a book club on the site and you can read all the comments to get some idea what others think of the book. Princess Kali runs Kink Academy, a well-loved affiliate on Submissive Guide, she’s also a Kink coach, educator and all over awesome lady.

Enough to Make You Blush

Erotic humiliation goes far beyond the “Lick my boots!” stereotype. Princess Kali, a famous former Dominatrix and world-renowned Humiliatrix, throws open the dungeon doors to explore the complex desires that fuel this kind of psychological play for both dominants and submissives. Using both personal experience and extensive interviews she shares advice and detailed ideas for a broad range of embarrassing, humiliating, and degrading ways to enjoy consensual kinky fun. Also covered are important concepts such as communication, negotiation, consent, triggers, aftercare, and so much more.

This contest is for US readers only.

Make sure to show Princess Kali some love and check out her website, FetLife, Instagram and Twitter.

Would you like to win a copy of Enough to Make You Blush? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, June 26th at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 23, 2016 07:00

Ask Submissive Guide: Trying to Make a Poly Relationship Work

Dear Submissive Guide,

My Dom and I are basically in a LDR. We have been together for about 8 months. His job requirements are such that he travels consistently. In our relationship he identified as poly and I have great interest as well.

We decided that it would be in our best interest to become more stable in our relationship before seeking a third or any outside relationships. Recently he rescued a friend who was in a critical situation of her own. She is now his companion during his travels at this time.

What has happened is they have grown closer and a relationship has formed. Of course I found out not through he or she telling me, but there were pics involved. Once everything was said and done, he has explained he does indeed love her and they want a relationship. He still wants a relationship with myself as well. I feel very uncomfortable at the moment because of the distance he and I share. With the start of a new relationship I’m not sure if insecurities will overtake the relationship on my end, especially since it was started unbeknownst to me.

Do you have any advice on trying to make this situation work?

Thanks,
Trying to Make it Work

Dear Trying to Make It Work,

The hallmark of a good, solid poly relationship is the same as that of a good D/s or any other kinky relationship – trust and communication.

Can you make it work? Possibly.

All three of you will have to communicate open and honestly about what you want and what you need. You’ll all need to have an understanding of what your relationship is and what it isn’t. You’ll have to negotiate the specifics of what works and what doesn’t so that you’re all comfortable.

My biggest concern is that all of this happened without either of them telling you anything. The fact that you had to find out through some sort of third party or in any way other than one or both of them talking you to directly is a huge red flag. They may have been afraid to tell you, but in order for such a relationship to work, none of you can let fear stop you from saying the important things.

It’s, at minimum, a lack of consideration and a lot of fear, and at worst, a lack of regard for your feelings and total dishonesty. Only you know for sure.

If you want to make it work, if that’s what your heart of heart tells you is the right thing for you (not him, not her, but you), then you owe it to yourself and to them to tell them how you feel about the entire situation, good or bad, and what you need to feel comfortable and secure in your part of the relationship. They’ll have to be willing to take the time to earn your trust.

But, if for any reason, you can’t find a way to trust him or her, you may be better off walking away now.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 22, 2016 07:00

The 100/100 Rule: Why TPE Succeeds

There is plenty of questioning the 24/7 TPE M/s dynamic. Is it healthy? Is it even realistically possible? I wanted to share my thoughts on why it is not only healthy and realistic in real world application, but it creates incredibly happy and successful relationships.

So quickly it has become the standard and expectation of a relationship to do everything 50/50. I hear it in the world all the time.

“Marriage is a 50/50 partnership.”

“We do everything 50/50.”

“We are equally involved in childcare, bills, work, etc.”

I genuinely think this stems from good intentions of equality.

Then life becomes complicated. If this 50/50 notion is indicative of a sliding scale of participation in a relationship, how do we even start to quantify things that cannot be so? Determine half of “emotional support.” Put a value on one partner’s career versus the others. Balance precisely caring about yourself and caring for your significant other. Weigh their importance against yours every day. It leads to often feeling sacrificed.

Because, in fact, in a 50/50 relationship, you are 50% responsible for your own well being.

Better hope it is the right 50% this week, lest you feel burdened. Or lonely. Or angry because you are carrying 75% of the load. Looking back, when the MR and I were living in a vanilla, egalitarian relationship, I was just plain exhausted from trying to maintain the 50/50 balance in life. And I think my husband was too.

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’”

-Martin Luther King

In Total Power Exchange, you are shifting the scales. It becomes a 100/100 relationship. The Master becomes entirely, completely one hundred percent in control of relationship functions. It is his or her complete power over the other person. The slave, in turn has given up control but gains one hundred percent of life serving the Master in how Master deems fit.

All of a sudden, a relationship becomes simple. Each person knows exactly their place. They have specific obligations. They have understood roles. They have an answer in every situation. The Master is 100 percent in control of the slave. The slave is 100 percent owned by the Master.

Think about how selfless this relationship style actually is. As a slave, I give my entirety of my being to serving MR 100% of the time. But in turn, I know he is doing what is very best for me 100% of the time. We are both always provided for completely.

100% of the time.

And it is by caring for somebody else before yourself. What an altruistic path in life to take. On both sides.

Slave thinks of Master first 100%.

Master thinks of slave first 100%.

There is no grey here in this dynamic. Just black and white, yin and yang, two imperfect pieces fitting together perfectly, filling in where the other leaves off seamlessly.

“Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.” -Albert Einstein

Do you feel like you try to balance contributing to your relationship 50/50? Has this ever left you feeling frustrated? Have you ever considered giving up 100 percent of control in your dynamic? What are your fears in doing so?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 21, 2016 07:00

Some Issues with Consensuality

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 3/19/16

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Consent: Compliance with or in approval of what is done or proposed by another.

We talk about consent a lot. There is a very good reason for that. The line between D/s and abuse is consent. Non-consensual control, manipulation, application of pain or direction is abuse or assault.

However, as in most things the meaning of consent is far from simple. When a submissive is new in their exploration of the D/s and BDSM worlds they are simply virgins. They have no personal experience of many or most of the things which now confront them. What they do have is ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, feelings, beliefs and desires. These may or may not apply in reality. A person can ‘think’ they will enjoy something only to find that in reality they do not. So we are immediately faced with a dilemma.

As the community becomes more open and readily accessible the numbers of new Dominant’s and submissives is rapidly increasing. With this increase comes an increasing number of problems.

It is impossible to truthfully consent to something you have never experienced. You can consent to trying something, but cannot accurately state that you will enjoy or like it until after it occurs. This means that in some ways the consent offered is not a blanket approval of action. In many cases it really means that the submissive will ‘consider’ trying something to see if they enjoy it. From the Dominant’s standpoint this is treading on shaky ground.

Many new Dominant’s and submissives spend a great deal of time looking for and searching out someone (frequently on the Internet community). Often they find potential partners who live at some distance from them physically. This can lead to protracted long distance cyber and phone relationships. These types of communication can foster the building up of scenario’s, ideas and expectations.

When the two manage to arrange a meeting they bring with them all of the baggage which has accumulated from their interaction. Many vacate simple safety issues in lieu of their ‘feeling’ of everything being perfect. They are SO eager to jump in that they want to play within hours of a first meeting. Sometimes they go so far as to pre-scene this meeting based on the ‘ideas’ that they have allowed to become ‘limits’. It is not terribly uncommon for a new submissive to agree to a first meeting which places her in a foreign state, in a motel room, naked, kneeling and waiting for ‘her Master’ to show up.

In addition the new Dominant comes prepared with the ‘expectations’ of the submissive to perform this ‘scene’. In many cases this may be the very first scene the Dominant has ever tried and s/he may have or feel extreme pressure to ‘meet the submissives need’. This can be a setup for true disaster.

This week the news was filled with an ongoing court case in NY wherein a woman is suing a man whom she claims raped her. She made contact with him on the Internet and engaged in extensive correspondence (some of which is court record), and phone conversations. After 5-6 months they arranged such a meeting. They engaged ‘in-scene’ for nearly 20 hours. Afterwards she accused him of rape, rough sex, forcible sodomy, assault, battery, various kinds of bondage and torture and a few other things. She agreed that she talked to him about her interest in BDSM but she claims that she was ‘interested in him’ and ‘played along’ because she liked him. She acknowledges voluntarily meeting him.

This is important. Early, heavy scening with an unknown person forces assumptions of consent on both people. A submissive can and may feel pressured to go quite far in order not to displease their new Dominant. They may agree to things under duress or contact pressure. A Dominant can and may feel pressured to perform to the ‘ideas’ they have fostered through prior communication. They can be a total novice doing things they are not really prepared for. It is simply impossible to ‘know’ a person you have just met. You cannot know their body language, the suggestions and subtle signals necessary to truly read someone’s responses. This type of pre-scene creation can and does kill people. It can create situations much like I just described which are becoming much more common.

Many people believe that ‘consent’ is a license. That it gives them a blanket permission to ‘do’ what they want to do. This is simply not true. Consent at the beginning of a relationship is more the ‘option’ to explore further. It offers no guarantee to the Dominant or submissive that they will be held blameless for what occurs. Those that engage in sudden intense sceneing willfully place their reputations, careers, family, and life on the line. When you are dealing with a stranger you cannot guess how they will react 3 days after a scene when they bottom out and you are not there. Remorse, pain, regret, embarrassment, shame, anger, feelings of diminished self-respect and outright rage can and will drive people to take actions against this person they have ‘consented’ to scene with.

Those actions can reveal the other persons kink to their entire community. The person may lose a spouse, children, job, respectability or more or less everything including the risk of imprisonment all to meet the needs of instant gratification. It simply is not worth it.

Initial limits are just that…initial. They should be expected to change, evolve and alter over years and experiences. They are merely a way of offering an ‘idea’ of the range of interest that the individual believes they are interested in pursuing. Consent can best be considered to be fluid. In addition to the above, it should be noted that everyone is not the same every day. There are days when consent to the range of play will be much wider than on other days. These variables can be effected by mood, health, stress and many other things. Assumptions that consent is constant can and will lead to problems.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 20, 2016 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

Hectic week of apartment hunting here. We’ve put in several applications and now the waiting process begins. We hope we get one of our top picks but we know that even though we’ve been transparent with them about our current situation financially it’s going to be harder to get any apartment. I’m trying to be optimistic but am still panicking.

The GoFundMe plea for assistance is still going on and I’ll likely keep it open until July 1st. You guys are amazing. As of this post I’ve raised $2000. We’ll be back on our feet in no time with your help. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Let’s move on to what’s going on here!

I Need Your Help! Submissive Guide is Ready to Grow, But Can’t Do So With Out Your Support!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!

Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Review: Black Titanium Wrist Cuff by Eternity Collars
The Art of Apology: How to Apologize by kallista
Third Annual Summer of Weekend Giveaways Starts June 23rd!
Simply Service e-Zine: June 2005
About Punishment by Mistress Steel

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where we help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

none

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

none

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: A Discussion of Anatomy: The Vagina by andyiccee
In 2014: How Master Took Control of the Finances by Nicholette Hart
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Independence, Differences between Slave and Bottom, Markers and Full Attention
In 2012: Why Do Dominants Insist on Being Called Sir? by Lady Sneak
In 2011: Know Thyself, Don’t Rush Into a Relationship Until You Know These Six Things

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Do you know what a Butler’s book is? Do you use one as a part of your service? If not, do you have a book to keep track of frequent guests’ preferences so that you can cater to their needs and desires each time they visit?
What ten words would you use to describe yourself to someone?
When are you most aware of being owned/submissive?
“Replenish me, Master, for my well runs dry.” – Kacie Cunningham
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The Fearless Submissive

TFS- Episode 73

7 Jun 2016, 9:36pm GMT

→ The Fearless Submissive

Answering a listeners question about being clingy and needy.

MP3 audio (16MB, 17min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 19, 2016 10:00

About Punishment

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Punishment is one of those areas which is not what it seems. Before you can develop tools or methods of punishment you have to look at the concepts behind the issue itself.

To punish is to impose a penalty, such as: pain, suffering, shame, humiliation, strict restraint or loss. Punishment is incurred for: fault, offense, violation or wrongdoing based upon an organized structure of preexisting rules or directives. It can also occur in retaliation or retribution. It is also seen as to chastise, chasten, discipline, correct or castigate. It is particularly applied when the transgression appears to have occurred under a conscious or purposive intent.

While this may appear to be rather clear, it is anything but. The object of punishment so described above tends to present itself as to ’cause harm’. This decision or determination to cause harm to another human being is then justified by presenting the ‘failure’ which has occurred as a means to validate the action of causing harm. (permission to assault or abuse) In a broader sense punishment is viewed as a means to ‘direct’ or ‘correct’ behavior. This by extension becomes the idea that you can change the behaviors of other human beings by the application of harm to them. In this case I am speaking of real harm. To injure or damage another human being is from my perspective completely contrary to the interaction within a S/m relationship. I cannot ‘harm’ or ‘force’ another human being into conformance to rules – this violates the concept of reasoned consent. If a person consents to a relationship, consents to obedience to certain rules or directives then they should comply willfully with these directives without even the illusion of force. If force is necessary then the individual is not consenting. If the individual within the relationship is violating the terms of the relationship regardless of whether that person identifies themselves as Top or bottom then the response to such a violation should not be the application of actions designed to injure, harm or damage that person – or to take actions designed to retaliate for the violation. Such a threat to the terms of a relationship should be an active warning that something is very much wrong. You cannot solve real problems by hitting someone or shaming them. You can only solve real problems by finding out what is wrong and making a joint decision to solve those problems or vacate the relationship.

Sometimes people believe that ‘acts’ of punishment may serve as a form of physical ‘removal of responsibility’ or ‘forgiveness’ of wrongful acts, particularly if the person so injured is the same person who applies the act of physical punishment. There is an underlying concept of absolution for the voluntary action of violation.

If you participate in this type of practice you are encouraging the continuation of actions of purposive wrongful actions against the integrity of the relationship. To some extent the ‘victim’ of this behavior not only endures the original violation but now must additionally bear the acceptance of absolution of the perpetration of this voluntary action against them – upon them. This becomes a secondary assault or violation upon the victim. If a person can be ‘absolved’ for their damaging behavior then there is nothing to restrain them from taking that action again. They never ‘own’ the consequences of the action but are ‘relieved’ of those enduring consequences by the action of punishment.

In addition, some bottoms enjoy jointly agreed to ‘minor’ applications of pain – such as paddling or spanking. If you set up a relationship which has this premise of cause and effect then the bottom has motivation to maintain behavior contrary to what is established within the relationship. This perpetuates the inappropriate behavior and often becomes a means of the bottom manipulating the Top into responsive behaviors wherein the ‘rules’ purported to correct wrongful behavior become turned around as a means for the bottom to solicit ‘minor’ applications of pain whenever the bottom feels a need for attention. In this case the bottom under these conditions is ‘acting’ as the top by controlling the relationship.

Discipline or punishment should be kept entirely separate from any connection with ‘scening’. If you enjoy the application of sensory stimulation during scene – do not use ANY sensory stimulation within the framework of discipline or punishment. Scening is by and large an intensive interactive mutual attention activity. It should occur or take place when there is NO anger present, no hard feelings, no problems being resolved. Both persons within the scene should be there because they want to be there, they want to be with each other within the framework and activity of the scene itself. If anger, hurt or bad feelings are present one may move from scening into assault or from feeling scened to feeling abused. The threshold is very close. If a scene is accompanied by anger or bad feelings then the experience of the scene is not one of play, willful enjoyment of your partner but an experience with an agenda. That agenda might be to pay ‘back’ another person for your own experience of being harmed by their actions. In such case you are no longer scening but actively ‘doing harm’. Doing willful harm to another human being is contrary to consent with the partners no longer having the ‘interest’ of their partner but in fact seek to injure to in some form ‘ease’ or address their own feelings of pain and injury.

Expect and even ‘demand’ that your partner in a relationship be competent. If you or your partner willfully violate your relationship agreement then deal with ‘why’ you or they wish to destroy the relationship openly. For an action or violation to ‘end’ the person taking the action has to decide to cease taking that action. This is a simple decision on their part. If they decide to continue destructive to relationship behavior then you can reason that their real active mental desire is not to comply or be in the relationship but to end or cease the relationship. People do exactly what they want to do. Do not mistake words of contrition for contrition.

If you wish to ‘stage’ discipline then set up activities which your partner truthfully dislikes as ‘earned reward’ for minor lessons in cause and effect. Such activities might be to purchase a copy of Emily Post – Etiquette and have that person sit on a hard wooden chair and read aloud from the book – use an egg timer placed close to them to clock the time. Discipline techniques should always be instructive or helpful. The person experiencing the technique shouldn’t like it but will in spite of themselves learn something or do something positive. Consider cleaning toilets with toothbrushes, cleaning the garage, cleaning the car – actual tasks. Many people also enjoy utilizing written essays where the miscreant must research a topic then write about it. Please note, these are staged disciplines designed to encourage behavior and thought they will not change behavior. Only the individual can behave.

I am occasionally asked what redress a bottom has when a top violates the relationship. As noted above – both partners should pause – the relationship contract once violated may in fact cease to materially exist. You are not ‘in’ a relationship unless both of you are ‘there’. If EITHER one is violating the contract then the contract ‘doesn’t’ exist. At which point the bottom is no longer the bottom and the top no longer a top – what you have is two people with a serious relationship problem, one that won’t be resolved easily. You cannot solve any relationship issue by force. A top cannot simply tell a bottom to ‘accept’ it, or ‘get over it’. If that top does try this in a fairly short time they will be just a person living single.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 17, 2016 07:00

Simply Service e-Zine: June 2005

Let’s check out another lovely newsletter from Simply Service dating June 2005. Remember, much of the content of these newsletters is still relevant today so take some time to read it!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

On to the June edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2005.

June 2005

Download Now!
Contents
Developing a Service Ethic by sequi
The Reality of Reliance by ZD
Hiding in Plain Sight by wonderwoman.
Psycho-Hostess: Tamed? slave jean
Deconstruction of Bootblacking by Steven Hagen, 2005 Southwest Bootblack and IMBB First Runner-Up 2005
hope’s journal
Part III: The Phenomenon of BrainSex: Mental-Based by Wyllo

Related Posts:
Simply Service e-Zine: May 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: April 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: March 2005
Simply Service Showcase – March 2005 Edition
[Video Post] What Does Service Submission REALLY Mean?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 16, 2016 08:00