Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 21

Review: Medium Weight Flogger by House Of Eros from Bondage Bunnies

If I think back to my early days of kink, I’d have to say that my first tool was a wooden spoon, but not far behind that was a flogger. I don’t recall it being a fancy flogger as I was limited on budget, but I liked it and it lasted me for years until the handle unraveled and it was hard to use. Floggers are a common tool in playtime for a lot of people, so when BondageBunnies out of the UK contacted me to review one of their House of Eros floggers, I agreed. BondageBunnies is a UK sex and bondage store, but they also ship internationally so don’t let that stop you from checking out what they offer. Now, on to the review!

What is it?

The House of Eros collection medium weight flogger is made from lightweight suede and has a lovely wooden handle with a small hook to hang it if you desire. I received an all brown flogger but the site shows a few other color options to choose from. The fall length is 21 inches making this a standard size flogger.

Thoughts

First, I’d like to talk about the product listing on the site, because it’s sorely lacking in detail. The listing for the flogger I received says this is a medium weight flogger. However, it doesn’t say what type of leather, its weight is unclear. It doesn’t say what type of wood the handle is made out of either. So, what you are ordering is a complete mystery. But if you dig through the other flogger products on the site you learn that the leather is indeed cow hide and the handle is Sable.

What arrived is a light suede flogger. I’m not even sure how much lighter the lightweight flogger on the site could be if this is thin suede. In my opinion, a medium weight flogger should be much heavier and meant for a more intense experience than the flogger that arrived. I loved the handle and the length of the falls was good for our bedroom space and for close quarters play.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this flogger can have a place in your play bag. For people that prefer pain, you could use this for warm up quite nicely. If you are aren’t into pain at all, this is more like a massage so you might want to pick this one up if you like a soft thuddy experience that you can float away with. KnyghtMare said it was nice to work with and the time he used it didn’t fatigue his wrists at all.

This flogger is a great first flogger, for people who haven’t experienced one before or are novices to its use. It’s in a great price bracket for a starter bag and if you decide you don’t like it, it won’t hurt to leave it for something else, unlike some higher market floggers that can run in the hundreds of dollars.

Packaging

The flogger arrived in a plain brown box. Inside the box, the flogger was in a plastic sleeve to keep the falls neat and clean. Shipping did take awhile since I do not live in the UK where the store is based.

Pros and Cons
Pros:
Inexpensive
Good warm up flogger, gentle thud is very relaxing
Stylish wooden handle
Lightweight suede
Ring in the top to allow hanging of flogger

Cons:
Product listing is vague, making it hard to know what you are buying
Too lightweight for people who enjoy painful flogging
Not balanced, so long play sessions may tire the user’s hands/wrists

Where to Get It

You can pick up your own medium weight suede flogger from BondageBunnies for 24 GBP (about $32 US). Check out the entire House of Eros range on the site including the other color options. Purchases are shipped within 24 hours and delivery estimates are available at checkout. BondageBunnies accepts returns within 14 days with receipt. See their Returns page for further details.

If you are looking for a good first flogger and live in the UK, this is a quick and easy item to pick up. If you live elsewhere, you can find comparable floggers from other manufacturers that won’t cost you an arm and a leg to ship. So, in this case, local really does make a difference. The flogger’s quality is good for the price so if you can get it, then I suggest you do.

This product was given to me by BondageBunnies, free of charge, in exchange for an honest review.
Related Posts:
Flogging: Getting Started
Book Review: Playing Well with Others
Perspectives: Flogging
DIY BDSM Toy Instructions Online
Review: Black Titanium Wrist Cuff by Eternity Collars

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Published on August 08, 2016 07:00

[Freebie] Writing Submissive Affirmations

Check out my new short report on writing submissive affirmations! If you’ve struggled with creating positive reinforcement and motivations in your daily life and submission then writing affirmations and using them just could be your key to happy submitting! Pick it up now for free!

Download Now!

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Published on August 05, 2016 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: $30 Gift Card for HipsandCurves.com (1 Winner)

Welcome back to another weekend giveaway! This week, Hips and Curves is giving one lucky winner a $30 gift card to use at their site for some amazingly sexy plus size lingerie. Sizes range from US 14-26. You can check their size chart for conversions to other countries sizes. They’ve been an affiliate for Submissive Guide for quite some time now and you can always help support the site by buying from them through the links here.

Located in Southern California, Hips & Curves opened for business in 2000 and has been going strong ever since! We offer a secure, private and entertaining shopping experience while bringing you the latest and greatest in plus size lingerie styles. We carry a wide assortment of lingerie from sweet and demure to smokin’ hot styles for plus-sized women everywhere. Add exceptional customer service, knowledgeable lingerie consultants, and the extras on our Web site, like spicy stories and informative articles – and we have to ask – why would you shop anywhere else?

The winner of this weekend’s giveaway will get a $30 gift certificate to use at their store for any of the products that they offer. It is sent via email and never expires. What a great item!

Show some support for this sponsor by following them on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Would you like to win a $30 gift card for HipsandCurves.com? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, August 7th at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

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Published on August 04, 2016 07:00

Ask Submissive Guide: New to D/s and LDR

Dear SG,

Me and my boyfriend have been talking about this. He’s convincing me into it. We haven’t experienced anything yet. I’m new at this, he’s a dominant. But he’s leaving for 9 months deployment and I don’t know how to do this long distance relationship.

Sincerely,
New to D/s

Dear New to D/s,

I’m sorry to hear your boyfriend will be gone for so long. Whether you’re kinky or not, long distance relationships are difficult even at the best of times.

Regarding D/s, I suggest you use the time that he’s gone to learn as much about BDSM, kink, and D/s as possible. Read through the pages here on Submissive Guide, follow other blogs, listen to podcasts, and take a look at different books that can teach you what all of this means. That will go a long way in helping you decide whether you want a D/s relationship with your boyfriend and what you think you might enjoy as a submissive.

As for what to do while he’s deployed, that may be tough, especially since communication can be tricky while he’s overseas. Try, as best as you can, to establish a routine for talking to one another, whether it’s Skype, email, or phone calls. The more you can talk to each other, the easier the distance will be, kinky or not.

If you want to play around with D/s while you’re apart, there are a few things you may want to consider. There’s orgasm control (if that’s something you’re both interested) – you can only have so many orgasms at certain times or with permission. He could give you tasks to do – exercises, things to read, a journal to write in, a specific bedtime or routine to follow in the morning – that you’ll do each day. When you speak to him, you’ll report how you did and if you had any problems or how you felt about it all.

Those are just some ideas of things to try and that’s assuming you’re enthusiastic and ready to get started. There’s nothing wrong with simply doing your research and waiting until he gets back to develop this new dynamic in your relationship.

Whether you wait or you jump in with both feet, the biggest thing to remember is communication. When you can talk to him, you need to be honest with how you feel and do what you’ll say you’ll do. You also want to listen to him and give him space to communicate with you, as well.

No matter when you decide to try out D/s in your relationship, take it slow, be patient with each other, and remember, it’s supposed to be fun and exciting (at least most of the time). If it feels like nothing but work and you’re not getting any pleasure out of it, you may need to slow down or reassess what you’re doing and what you want to try.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 03, 2016 07:00

The Art of Apology: Receiving an apology when you don’t think one is necessary

Maybe you know a frequent apologizer, or maybe you’ve been surprised, but at some point in your life, you’ve probably had someone tell you, “Hey, I’m sorry!” and your immediate response was, “What on earth are you apologizing for?”

If you’re like me, and you completely lack a brain-to-mouth filter, your reaction probably came tumbling out of your mouth before you could stop it, and then you were suddenly confronted with the rather awkward situation of someone apologizing for apologizing. If you’re slightly more reserved (read: sensible), you might have smiled and nodded, and dismissed the apology altogether.

Whatever your immediate reaction, it’s important that you accept whatever apology comes your way. As I said in my last article: “Receiving an Apology” the last thing that you want to do in a relationship is create a climate where apologizing is looked down on. I’m not necessarily saying that you should make an ordeal out of someone saying, “sorry I’m late,” because that’s about as silly as the person apologizing for being late to begin with; rather, I’m addressing situations where someone is legitimately apologizing for a mistake, but the mistake that was made wasn’t big enough that you felt an apology was necessary.

For example:

My Dom likes to read the articles that I write for Submissive Guide before I submit them. It’s not a hard-and-fast rule, per say, but because she doesn’t visit the site, she relies on me to share what I’m writing, and that reliance has grown to be a sort of unstated expectation on both our parts. I don’t always submit things directly after my Dom reads them, however. More often than not, I end up sitting on articles for a few days before giving it a final review and submitting. Sometimes, it’s longer than days, and the delay between her reading an article, and my publication date can occasionally be weeks or months apart. So the other day, when I mentioned that I had an article coming up for publication on Submissive Guide, and it had been more than several weeks since my Dom had read any articles from me, I got a rather surprised, “You’re kind of supposed to send me these things, missus. “

Naturally, I panicked and rushed to see which article was actually being posted. Did I forget to show her the article? Did I not get an okay from her to post the article? It took about three minutes for me to confirm that my Dom had seen the article, but it was one of the articles I’d sat on for a long while before actually putting it up . So I explained, of course, and my Dom apologized.

Now, I know I wasn’t going to have been in any real trouble. There was no rule that said that she HAD to read the articles that I posted, and she wouldn’t have been overly upset if I’d made a mistake and posted an article she hadn’t read, so her apology, while very sweet, wasn’t something that I had been particularly expecting, nor something I felt was necessary. In situations like this, it’s really easy to brush off an apology: “You don’t need to apologize.” “Oh, don’t worry about it.” “Don’t be silly, you don’t need to apologize.” But the fact is that my Dom is one of those people who has mastered not over-apologizing, so when she does, I know she’s backtracking and I know she means it.

To be dismissive in a situation like that, when the person apologizing feels that there’s a reason for him or her to apologize, a flippant statement or a dismissal of their apology is as problematic in the long-run as not accepting someone’s apology after they’ve been rude to you. By not accepting their apology, and by not showing that you appreciate they’ve gone out of their way to acknowledge they might have hurt your feelings, you’re showing them that you really don’t care whether or not they apologize. Do that too many times, and you’ve created a relationship where one person takes for granted that you don’t care whether they consider your feelings.

So how do you accept an apology that didn’t need to be said?

Pretty much about the same way that you accept an apology that you felt was needed. In this instance, I did let my Dom know that I hadn’t been expecting an apology, but I also let her know that I appreciated that she went out of her way to apologize as a way to check on my feelings.

The Art of Apology: Concluded

Apologizing and accepting apologies takes practice of two different kinds. One requires humility and one requires grace—both of which are excellent qualities to attempt to grow into, not just as a sub, but as a well-rounded and eloquent individual. For some people, striking the balance between a well worded apology and over-apologizing is a natural talent. For others, it takes conscious effort and practice. Either way, we should strive to achieve a certain level of competency and understanding both in the giving and receiving of apologies.

Still struggling with the technical aspects of apologizing? Post your questions.

Until next time,

Kallista

photo by Artethgray (CC BY 2.0)

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Published on August 02, 2016 07:00

Hey guys, what’s up? We wanna hear from you!

Hi, guys, it’s me – lunaKM, the editor of Submissive Guide! I’m writing you all a personal little post because, well, I miss you. I feel like I haven’t heard from you in awhile.

Maybe because it’s summer, maybe we’re all busy enjoying our families or hiding in air-conditioned comfort with this heat or perhaps we are all going on walkabout for Pokemon, but we’re getting fewer and fewer guest submissions from you. That makes me sad.

I miss seeing your DIY projects and service and exploring our sexual kinks. I wanna hear about how your relationships are developing and talk about your community experiences.

Tell me about your roles – submissives, slaves, mothers, wives, poly partners and how it balances together with daily life and D/s or BDSM.

Maybe you’re all on vacation. I get it, I’ve been busy too. But hey, when you get back, would you mind telling us what a day in your life is like?

I can share all the thoughts and opinions on other relationships. But I also want to see into your lives. I want to hear how our male submissives live. I want to bond over relationship struggles. And talk about the BDSM books about our relationship styles and kinks. Speaking of books…

We’ve run out of BDSM book reviews! What are the book-obsessed supposed to read that’s new and exciting? Won’t you share your favorite BDSM or D/s related book with us in a review?

Basically, you guys are awesome, and I want to hear all about your lives, learn from your mistakes, and revel in your wins. Let’s talk. What do you have to share?

Maybe you don’t have a guest post in mind at the moment, but you know what you want to see on Submissive Guide — feel free to post your request in the comments section. Maybe another knowledgable submissive will hook you up!

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Published on August 01, 2016 07:00

Beyond Limits: The Illusion of Safety

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Sometimes it seems that people want and need the security they feel by putting rules in writing. Contracts, restrictions, regulations. Each of these is a way of limiting the free expression of ourselves and others. This is how we control societies. We have lots of reasons why such rules are healthy, necessary and even promote the good of all. The truth is that these ‘rules’ do not truly exist. They are simply an agreement between two or more people to abide within certain constraints for a given length of time. What we believe to be healthy, necessary and good are individual perceptions based on our culture of origin, our environment, our life experiences and our personal desires.

In situations of extreme events these well crafted limitations disappear. Especially if your fundamental belief in their worth is not sincere. It is quite easy to ‘mouth’ the words of acceptable, common social behavior while internally you carry belief’s that are at odds with them. In addition we generally learn to trot out what we believe another person desires to hear IF we wish to manipulate that person into a situation that is of benefit or desirous to ourselves. The capacity to lie, cheat, steal, injure, damage and destroy are all part of our human nature. In a sense we will or may take the actions we believe will attain our desired goal.

The only true limitations are those fundamental values that you carry at your core. The inviolate lines that you will not cross for to do so you believe would compromise who you believe yourself to be. That final line in the sand.

Some people enter the BDSM world and immediately collect a nice assortment of rules. They exchange the rules of the vanilla world eagerly for these new rules and become ‘rule enforcement’ persons, strongly vocal about why such rules are needed by everyone. If you do not conform to these rules then you should be shunned and ostracized. Rules make us comfortable. Rules make us feel safer. Rules suggest structure, reasons, rational justifications. Rules are false. Rules are fabrications designed to control uncontrollable things.

If you are truly exploring the potentials of yourself then one of the first things that you have discovered is the simple fact that you probably know little or nothing about yourself. In many ways you are untested. You have never engaged in a battle to see if you would fold or fall, when or where. The cautious part of you fears such a testing, the adventuresome side relishes the concept, the challenge.

The collection of rules and limits is your cautious side setting up the ‘rules’ of the game. It is a way to pre-control the boundaries in which this exploratory game will be played. If you trust too much in the value or worth of these limits then you set yourself up for potential problems. There is the person inside who we ‘want to be’ and the person inside ‘who we are’. They are seldom the same. In many ways we tend to avoid looking at who we are in favor of who we wish to present to the world. In this way we can buy into a grouping of limits that are not truly ours. It makes us acceptable to others to offer acceptable limits to maintain the illusion of our ‘normalcy’ among our new peers. The problem is that this is a veil. Behind that veil we hide.

The unexplored limit has as much real substance as cobwebs in the corner of the room. It is essentially an ‘idea’ of a boundary. Limits identify unsafe areas. Things that make us uncomfortable, embarrassed, terrified, disgusted, repulsed and excited. Within everything a contradiction exists. Things that horrify us the most often enthrall us the most as well. An example might be the fascination we feel on observing a horrendous accident, especially when someone dies in a gruesome way. There is something exciting in the testing of our horror, to be suddenly exposed to violence or terror. In that excruciating moment we are truly alive. We feel our blood. Taste our superstitious fears. Our primal nature wakens. We hunt longing to tear at those we fear, longing to tear at fear itself.

You might say that identified ‘limits’ area’s reveal area’s of the strongest emotional responses. Within those responses lay our own self hatred and repulsion. To participate in some of the practices would leave us morally bankrupt or without any respect for ourselves as human’s, this we fundamentally know, we also know that a part of us carries some subtle hunger to cross that line. In some ways we may seek to punish these unacceptable desires through discipline practices to rid us of this self-knowledge of our own failure to measure up to the standards and rules of the society we live in a failure to live up to our own personal ideals. Accepting our whole truth and then creating boundaries on how far we may actively seek to explore those area’s is something we should or must do to retain our sanity.

When talking about limits I try to express to people that they should actively avoid anything which may damage their ego, morality or fundamental image of themselves. For me that line is the non-consensual violation or usage of any living being or creature. For me all animal’s and children fall into this category. In addition I have a personal revulsion for those who violate the sanctity of the dead. This is my personal line in the sand.

Over the course of my life I have found that I have the capacity to explore far beyond what I considered a limit in virtually all area’s. When I adapted mentally or conceptually to the ‘idea’ within something my mind in some way found the way to ‘solve’ the handling of that ‘idea’. I do not believe that I am in any way unique in this. I do believe that in the beginning I knew little and understood less. To learn I had to touch, taste, feel and experience. Otherwise, I was only making assumptions about what I thought I felt or knew. In addition I have found myself to be in constant evolution. Things I enjoyed 20 years ago, I may have no interest in today. Limits, desires, wishes have all shifted, altered and changed.

Within a D/s relationship only one person’s limits actually count. That is the person in power. This is the Dominant. A submissive should realize that s/he lives within the barrier or inviolate limits of the Dominant they choose to be with. Many Dominant’s try to adapt to the brandished ‘listing of limits’ that a submissive will carry around with them. They attempt to sincerely promise not to cross those lines. However, in an intense scene a Dominant can experience the ‘removal’ of this promise. If their personal limits do not align with the submissive they can easily move past the ‘promise’ and may do things with and to the submissive that are well beyond the pre-scene consent. There is a line where the mind can cross to see only their true rules.

A new Dominant is especially vulnerable to this ‘failure of control’. S/he suffers from the same issue as the submissive – unknown limits. A more experienced Dominant can often identify the sensations of euphoria as being extremely dangerous and when noted can and will exit that aspect of the scene often reducing the overall intensity considerably until they are able to re-center or regain control. In general terms most Dominant’s, after going through several years of experience’s, become quite graphic or blunt about the nature of their interests. It becomes incumbent upon any submissive interacting with them to listen very carefully and hear what that Dominant is telling them. If a Dominant has found their true limits or edges to be very extreme, they will often tell the submissive that. It is imperative for the submissive to truly hear what that extreme edge can or may mean.

The alignment of core limits is the only true safety that can adequately protect the Dominant and the submissive. A Dominant does not desire to violate another person’s limits or rights. Nor does a Dominant wish to restrain their true capacity in an effort to be with someone. As much as a submissive want’s to be free to express themselves completely, so does a Dominant. Be careful who you select, take the time to get to know the person. Go slow in scening. Leave before you injure. Do not place your trust in untested limits!

BEYOND LIMITS (Response)

>> Although it may be true that the *power* at that point lies with the Dominant… the very *reason* such power is *given* to the Dominant is that trust has been established and the submissive knows that she/he will be protected by the Dominant rather than preyed upon… and that limits *will* be respected. If one finds him/herself with a partner who ignores limits… he/she is with a criminal not a Dominant.

I wish this were true – however quite often a submissive gives over initial consent to an ‘unknown’ Dominant. They have a faith or belief that the dominant they have chosen will respect their identified limits but at the same moment that submissive also has an expectation that the same Dominant will press those limits. Trust is established over time and consistent long term actions. Many new or non-experienced Dominant’s feel a ‘pressure to perform’ to the expectation’s of a submissive. Many submissives in-scene ‘in subspace’ vocally encourage or beg their Dominant to do more or go further. A new Dominant may believe this to be open consent and proceed. After scene the submissive may then turn on the Dominant and tell them emphatically that they non-consensually violated their limits. In addition many things can trigger a state of euphoria or extreme excitement which can allow even a great Dominant to do things they wouldn’t normally do. An example of this is public sceneing where actions of the ‘audience’ propel a person into ‘performing’ for others rather than sole-scening their submissive. I have witnessed on several occasions where a crowd has actively yelled for more when a sub was screaming their safeword and the Dominant did more.

If you are a new Dominant you cannot truly know how you will react or respond to differing situations or stimuli. Being able to identify moments of competence diminishment is sometimes only gained through the painful experience of doing things wrong. In addition, insecurity in what you do, how and where is quite prevalent. If you are new to scening then you may not wish to look inept and you may erroneously attempt to ‘measure up’ to the actions of those you see around you. This insecurity is strongest in the presence of your submissive. Creation of role and delivery of expectation coupled to your own untested limits can and do create nightmare situations. A Dominant does not wish to appear ‘weak’, ‘soft’, or ‘unfamiliar with what to do’ especially before their new submissive. Some elect to ‘go at it’ feeling they will learn as they do it. The process of truly identifying limits takes real time on both sides. Finding an individual who shares similar core reactions and responses, similar ethical codes is very important. My core limits have never altered in 20 years. Virtually every other limit that I thought I had has altered. Identifying a core limit is something that has remained constant throughout your thought processes in your whole/vanilla life. You have the clues to what those are already. For me they are children, animals and dead people. I will and have acted against anyone I see violating them, I have felt this way my entire life so within BDSM made no difference. Non-inviolate limits are things we may fear or areas we may wish to explore very very slowly. For a new Dom/sub these can be generally identified to be Blood Sports (knives, needles, guns), Water Sports, (urine and feces), Air Sports, (strangulation, choking, removal of air), Humiliation and Shame Sports. Each of these areas contain serious potentials for real life injury or death, mental or physical damage.

A Dominant who decides to scene with a submissive with very different limits in either direction from their own is asking for trouble. If a submissive has a very low tolerance and the Dom a very high one then a situation of frustration can easily occur and the Dominant may find themselves pressing harder when they really know they shouldn’t. A submissive with a very high tolerance scening with a Dom with fairly low tolerance will often pressure the Dom into doing more – this kind of reverse manipulation can lead to a Dom out of control who becomes unable to rationally identify when to stop. If a Dom crosses the threshold and loses primary directing control they can sometimes go so far as to kill in trying to meet the presented needs of the sub in that moment. We are all human, subject to errors in judgment and the simple reality that we are constantly learning and evolving. any expectation that a limit will be ‘tested’ means that the ‘limit’ is not solid. It becomes an area of in-scene trial and out of scene negotiation. This alone makes reliance on it unsafe. Take the time to select a person of character with the same moral and ethical codes that you hold. Query that person deeply in the areas you believe within you are uncrossable. Pay attention to what is said and how it is said. At any suggestion of fluid thought consider that the person you are talking to may have a hidden desire to explore there. Move on. Time is your friend, rushing creates errors on all sides.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

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Published on July 29, 2016 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: Beginner’s Rope Kit from Agreeable Agony (1 Winner)

This contest is for US readers only.

This is another exciting giveaway this week! Agreeable Agony has offered up a Beginner’s Rope Kit and shears to one lucky winner! I love rope bondage and admire the small batch rope makers in their diligence, beautiful quality and personal care.

Agreeable Agony is a collective of crafters/artisans and kinksters from the east coast US who build beautiful handmade floggers, dragon tails, slappers, pitcher candles, claws, pretty colored bondage rope, and other unique kinky toys, and have a passion for sex education! Based out of Western Massachusetts, Agreeable Agony is run by community leaders and local craftsmen, teaming up to provide a high quality product to members of the community at a reasonable price.

This weekend’s giveaway for a Beginner’s Rope kit is an excellent choice if you are just getting started in rope bondage or even seasoned players that want a bit more practice rope to play with! The Beginners Rope Bondage Kit is 90ft of 6mm (1/4″ ) Synthetic Bondage Rope (MFP) in your choice of colors.

2 30ft bundles
2 15ft bundles
1 pair of safety shears

Make sure to show Agreeable Agony some love and check out their website, Etsy shop, Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook page.

This contest is for US readers only.

Would you like to win a Beginner’s Rope Kit and shears? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, July 31st at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

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Published on July 28, 2016 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Afraid of Long Distance Dom

Dear Annie,

I am in a dom/sub relationship long distance, One that has become very stressful for me. I am punished it seems like every day to stay in favor and because of the distance, it is monetary payment. It is breaking me down financially and mentally, it seems I get nothing from this relationship. For fear of angering him I submit and abide to this punishment, leaving me more stressed I have fallen in love with my dom, I am not allowed to call him by name. I feel I m pushed up against a wall at all times. What should I do. Maybe Im just really not cut out for total submission. I am smart, beautiful, but lately he has no time for me either do to his excessive drinking or who knows. I feel I am being used. How to I correct this without angering my dom. I don’t wish to loose him or anger him but I need to be true to me too. PS he has nude photos of me, I fear him to a degree.

I’m so sorry you are experiencing such a stressful and fearful situation.

My advice is likely going to feel harsh, but I really do appreciate you contacting me to seek help. Stop giving this man any money. He’s abusing his power over you to drain you dry financially. Punishment, even long distance, shouldn’t include money exchange unless it is agreed upon by both parties. It sounds like you didn’t agree to this form of punishment and now that it’s affecting you he’s still keeping you hooked in by saying you need to pay him to say in his favor. Would you do this if D/s wasn’t a part of it?

The next thing that bothers me from your message is that you say you are afraid of angering him. Any good relationship isn’t built on fear; abuse does. He’s using you and abusing his power to make you do things you fear and keeping you reigned in by your desire to submit. This man is not worth your submission. You are not happy, you are afraid. You feel trapped and defeated. This isn’t how a good relationship should make you feel.

You said you feel used. And you are. You need to be true to you, as you said in your email. He’s not allowing you to be you. I know you don’t want to lose him, but it might just be the idea of him that you are in love with. You want a Dom and you want to feel the love of a Dom. This man is not a Dom. He’s using you and he’s making you feel less than you should. It’s time to stand up for yourself, your future and your pocketbook. Find the strength you need to leave this man.

Now you said you are afraid of him and he has nude photos of you. So, if he uses that to threaten you when you break up with him, you have recourse through the police. I know you might not want to go through with it, but if he threatens you then tell him you’ll call the police. Not only could you get him for blackmail in many cases you could get him in trouble for the money scam he’s playing on you. I don’t think he’ll be willing to push you to that end, but the awareness alone could get him to back off.

I know you feel defeated. You wanted to explore submission and this man reeled you in. But just because this was a negative experience doesn’t mean you won’t find someone worthy of what you have to offer. You’ve learned a difficult lesson, but hopefully, you’ll know a bit more about what a Dominant really is and what you deserve in a partner.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 27, 2016 07:00

Advanced Orgasm Control Techniques

This is part two of my Orgasm Control Series. Catch up by reading part one; The Benefits of Orgasm Control and How to Get Started.

At the end of that article I promised we would discuss advanced orgasm control techniques and touch on reconditioning. These topics are great for long-term couples living in some sort of power exchange relationship. Why long-term? Because this stuff simply takes time. I can’t imagine a scenario that this could be effective on the second time playing with a partner or the like. That said, with consistent effort, it can happen and be a sexy tool for the Dominant to use. That said, let’s dive right in.

We left off at orgasm control here: “Once you can edge pretty successfully, it’s time to add in the Dominant’s ‘trigger’ if you will. We have all heard of Pavlov’s dog, right? Same principle. For most people I have come across it is simply choosing a word, or phrase, often combined with an eye contact from the Top. “Come” is pretty standard of course and there is no need to complicate things. So you combine edging with this trigger during future encounters. The Dominant sees the peak rising and makes a decision: either say ‘Come’ and allow her to ride it out or remove stimulation and if asked instruct that no, they cannot come yet, and continue on. Eventually, you will have trained that person to actually need that trigger present to orgasm.”

The next step is to remove any actual genital stimulation and still bring the submissive to orgasm. Sound impossible? It’s not! It is simply a continuation of the above training, a little bit Pavlov’s dog meets obedient submissive. Once you have control over the orgasm by needing that trigger from the Dominant you can start to move the sensation from being derived in the genitals to the genitals and something else. It can be a hand around the throat (requisite be careful and read, research, and train before engaging in breath play warning) or a pressure point somewhere on the body. So now you, as the submissive are receiving three signals for orgasm: genital stimulation, the Dominants “trigger” word or command, and something else. Keep doing this time and time again, enough to the point that if you remove any of these you will not be able to reach orgasm.

Once you are there, it is time to remove one of those triggers. That would be having your bits and pieces touched at all. I gave the earlier example of my sadist husband at the grocery store with me and him grabbing my wrist in that certain place while whispering “those words” close in my ear and the delicious horror of feeling my body unfurl into a shivering orgasm in public. It is sexy and leaves you feeling so unbelievably close. It creates a connection that I find hard to match, having another person so in control of your body. The knowledge that at any moment you can be used as a sexual tool. The intimidating nature of the vulnerability.

Right now we are about ten months of working on removing that second trigger, the physical contact of any kind. It is basically “come on command” in our home. He gets close, leans into my ear, and whispers…. that thing. I feel the lower half of me open up and react as if he was there instead of fully clothed and not touching me. It is useful as a way to assert his Dominance in a fast way, as well as when we are playing. We often play in public and many clubs don’t allow penetration. With us he can turn me into a pool of happy orgasming submissive without breaking any rules. In some ways it is jarring. I feel like in some ways my body is betraying me, answering to somebody else instead of acting in its own way. Then I remember:

My body belongs to him now.

I think it is important to add a disclaimer of sorts about orgasm control, be it advanced training or in the beginning. This stuff will NOT always work! This is not a foolproof, 100% of the time, punish if unable to go as hoped training tool. So much can effect whether or not the submissive can properly control her orgasm. I know in subspace I often can no longer control my body. There are times that he ceases to exist as I focus on pain management techniques and oftentimes I will mistakenly orgasm without really knowing. Also stress in the outside world can play a factor. I have my hardest time reacting to that trigger when I am mentally bogged down with other things. When something else is at the forefront of my brain I have to really work to make that connection. Also physical things like hydration, hunger, temperature, exhaustion, etc can all play a part. The important thing is that you have an enjoyable time while doing it. It requires a whole lot of sexy practice and that makes it good in my book!

A final word on reconditioning.

This all sounds like a lot of fun and games… which it is. But you have to keep in mind that as a submissive you are asking another person to take over control of not just your body but your body and mind and energy and training. There is some severity in this type of advanced training. While I try not to be a negative person I do try to plan for the unexpected. What would happen, for instance, if my Dominant didn’t come home ever again for one reason or another? What would happen if I wanted out of the relationship? I want to suggest some sort of back up plan in place to recondition the submissive in case of worst case. This can be as simple as a Dominant writing out and sealing a directive ordering that submissive to take back control of orgasm if they pass suddenly. If you have decided that the dynamic will be ending, you can reverse the training by putting the trigger back onto the submissive’s control slowly over a period of time or have one final session to release the submissive if both parties think that would be helpful.

No matter what, be safe and be aware of the risks associated with this kind of intense training.

Have you had any experience with advanced orgasm control? Is this something you would want to give up to the right person or are you in the no way, nu-uh camp?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 26, 2016 07:00