Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 19

Learning Your Way Around the Kitchen-Homemade Pizza Dough and Pizza Sauce

It was about a year or so ago that I got this idea to make homemade pizza one weekend when Daddy, Schnubbi, and I were all together. Don’t ask me where this idea came from. It just happened. Usually when this happens, all that matters is that I do it. While I was planning this out, I was seriously tempted to go the easier route and use store bought pizza dough and sauce. But then I got thinking, if I really want to make homemade pizza, why not make my own dough and sauce. I knew doing either one wouldn’t be hard, and really, it’s not. So, I started looking through some of the regular food blogs I follow as well as recipes on Pintrest until I found what I wanted. I now swear by these recipes. I have shared them I don’t know how many times with my friends and I even use the pizza sauce for my spaghetti sauce, with a tweek or two. Not only is it not as much work as you would think(whenever I try a new recipe, I think not only is going to fail, but it will also take a million years to make and be extremely labor intensive). Not only that, but you know exactly what’s going into your food, it’s cheaper than ordering out, and tastes a heck of a lot better than any carry out pizza I’ve ever had.

Pizzeria Style Pizza Sauce from Oh Sweet Basil

Ingredients

2 teaspoons olive oil
1 tablespoon butter or olive oil
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 ¾ teaspoons onion powder
¼-½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 ½ teaspoon fresh basil chopped or ¾ teaspoon dried basil
1 teaspoon fresh oregano or ½ teaspoon dried oregano
2 8 oz cans of tomato sauce
4 tablespoons tomato paste
5 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
2 teaspoons brown sugar(I don’t always use the brown sugar and it’s still yummy without)
⅔ cup warm water
Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:

In a large pot over medium heat, add the olive oil and butter and heat until almost shimmering. add the garlic, stirring a few times around the pot and then quickly add the onion powder, red pepper flakes, basil and oregano. stir a few times and allow the herbs to bloom.
Add Parmesan cheese, and brown sugar and then quickly dump in the tomato sauce, tomato paste and water. stir to combine and bring to a light boil. turn down to low, season to taste and allow to simmer for 1-2 hours for ultimate flavor or use immediately if needed.

I have made this sauce so much, I don’t even need the recipe anymore. A couple of tips: Before you even start making the sauce, it’s easier to have all the spices measured out before hand so that way you can add as needed without any fuss. The second, this sauce is even better the second day. By the second day, the spices have really blended together and is extremely flavorful. If possible, make the sauce the day before you need it. It takes a little more planning ahead, but you won’t regret doing so. If you’re wanting to use this for spaghetti sauce, I do exactly everything, but I also add mushrooms, diced tomatoes(usually drained), and cooked ground hamburger. Also since Daddy likes a creamier spaghetti sauce, I’ll add some heavy whipping cream to it as well.

The Perfect Pizza Dough from Chef in Training

Ingredients:

2 cups warm water
1 Tablespoon yeast
1 Tablespoon salt, divided
5 cups all purpose flour, divided
4 Tablespoons olive oil(2 Tablespoons per pan)

Instructions:

Mix warm water and yeast and let it set for about 5 minutes, until it proofs
Add 2 ½ cups of flour with the proofed yeast and mix well in a stand mixer with a dough hook or by hand.
Add additional 2 ½ cups of flour and salt and knead until smooth. Cover bowl with saran wrap and let dough rest for 20 minutes.
Pour 2 tablespoons olive oil on both pizza pans and evenly coat the bottoms of both pans.
Remove dough from bowl and add more flour as needed to alleviate stickiness.
Split dough in half and roll each ball of dough very thin and place on greased pan.
Preheat oven to 400 F.
Top with desired toppings and make sure to leave ¾ inch space around the edges for crust.
Bake pizzas individually at 400 F for 18-20 minutes for pizza, 15 minutes for bread sticks or cinnamon sticks.

If you only need one pizza crust, the second ball of dough makes great bread sticks. How many depends on how big you make them. Also, don’t be afraid to use yeast. I know the first time I used a recipe that required yeast, I was silently freaking the heck out on the inside. There is no reason to do this. The only trick to using yeast is to make sure the water isn’t too hot. If the water is too hot, then the hot water will kill the yeast and the dough won’t rise. Here’s a few tips and tricks when it comes to working with yeast.

The picture is the first homemade pizza I made and it has mushrooms, pineapple, and hamburger on it. The fun part of making pizza is getting to put all your favorite toppings on it, and there’s no limit to the possibilities. The even more fun part of making pizza is getting to sit down and enjoy the fruits of your labor and sharing with those you love. Please let me know if you try these recipes and what your favorite pizza toppings are.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 13, 2016 07:00

Learning to Help a Partner Through a Poly Breakup

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 6-11-16

At the end of May, KnyghtMare’s long-term girlfriend broke up with him suddenly. He said he had no idea it was coming so it hit him really hard. I know that any time someone you love ends the relationship you go through a period of grief and loss and depression, but I’ve never experienced it. I had nothing to relate to. So this has been a new experience that has not only taxed me but taught me more about selfless submission.

I wanted to write about my experience in case it helps some of you in poly relationships when your partner’s other relationship(s) ends. I’ve gained permission from KnyghtMare to talk about how he’s feeling and his behavior but I’m going to avoid the dynamics of the relationship or the circumstances related to the break up since the ex isn’t communicating any longer. So, here’s the experience I’ve had helping my partner grieve and move on.

First, I know I’ve been lucky, but I have never been in a break up before, so I have no experience to draw upon to help me comfort KnyghtMare. My previous marriage ended amicably and I’ve not been in any other long-term relationships. Seeing how KnyghtMare is struggling has been eye-opening and difficult. I’ve had moments of selfish need and anger and a huge amount of sadness as I see him mourn the loss of a very intimate, powerful relationship.

The first hour into the first day

It happened after I had gone to bed so I woke to him sobbing in the living room. I held him and comforted him as much as I could as he spoke in fits and starts that his girlfriend has just ended it and he had no reason why things had gone so wrong. I didn’t add anything to the words coming from him and wanted him to just know that I was there for him to comfort and love him through his emotions. After a couple of hours of complete breakdown he calmed enough to try to sleep so I tucked him in and quickly fell back to sleep.

I wake up before KnyghtMare does, always have been a morning person. So I went about my morning routine. When it came time to wake KnyghtMare I sent in quietly and asked him if he wanted to get up. I know grief can completely alter your behavior but I didn’t know how it might affect him. He stirred but said he was going to keep sleeping. I believe he slept most of the day. He didn’t eat, he didn’t do much of anything. When he was awake he was crying or on the verge of it. I didn’t push him to do anything or ask him any unnecessary questions. I knew he needed time.

That first week

The first week after the breakup was an emotional disaster. He finally got some answers from her and it left him even more frustrated and confused. He sank deeply into depression and I was afraid for a day or two that he’d not make it back out any time soon. I felt that his need for answers and her distancing from him was making it worse. I tried to reassure him that even if he never got answers that he’d be okay eventually and that maybe she just needed time. It was still so raw for both of them.

During this first week KnyghtMare’s anxiety issue went through the roof and he was put on medication to help him with that as well as his depression. He needed it just to get out of bed. For us, the relationship just froze. We were neither Master and slave nor husband and wife. I was his caretaker and he existed as best he could. I took this job seriously but I was feeling very separated from him in this time. I had selfish needs that weren’t being met and it made me very resentful of HER and I blamed her for how things went down. I realize it isn’t fair now, but part of me really wished terrible things on her as I nursed my grieving husband back to some sense of normalcy and set all of my needs aside.

During this time I constantly told KnyghtMare that I was there for him and that I wasn’t going anywhere. That I would be his rock and his shoulder to cry on for as long as he needed me. My own heart was tearing in two, but at that time I was only there to serve his needs. My love needed me and I wanted to make sure he knew it. KnyghtMare lost 8 lbs that week when he refused to eat more than a bit a day. He got nothing done and slept more than I’ve ever seen him sleep, even when he’s sick.

Going forward

I’m not infallible. During the following week my patience broke at least once and I told him that he needed to try to move on, that he had others that cared for him and they needed him. I was harsh, that I’m sure. Our five-year wedding anniversary went by that week without much more than a few “Happy Anniversary” wishes. I couldn’t expect him to focus on me when his heart was breaking. Inside my heart was aching too.

The good news is that as the days went on he was able to function a bit better and started showing interest in doing things again. He’s not over her, far from it but at least I can begin to see my husband return to me. And I’ll wait for him as patiently as I can. Because he’s worth it.

Conclusion

Breaking up is traumatic and should be managed like grief and loss. It can’t be rushed and everyone deals with it differently. But as long as you have patience you can help your partner make it out the other side. I learned a lot about myself during this time and it made me realize just how service can play a role in caring for him while he grieved. I don’t want the chance to perfect it, but at least I know I can care for him when he needs me the most without too much selfish need cropping in.

Thoughts to Ponder
How does a breakup affect you? Do you have a support system in place to keep you functioning?
What advice would you give someone who is going through a breakup within a poly relationship?
Interesting Links
Explaining Poly Breakups: Why Polyamory isn’t (Always) to Blame
PolyWeekly: Dealing with a Poly Breakup
What happens when poly relationships end?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 12, 2016 07:00

Altered Mental States

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Venturing into the realms of Altered Mental States should be done carefully. The human mind is vulnerable to suggestion (as witnessed by the recent ‘cult’ suicides in LA). People often have an enormous desire to be ‘part’ of something greater or more important than themselves. They need to feel contributory, worthwhile, of significance. This desire or need makes them equally vulnerable to other humans who have no scruples on using their needs against them.

Within the BDSM community, there is a strong underlying foundation for voluntarily focused enthrallment. For a submissive, this state is called sub-space. It is a fundamental part of a healthy submissive to be able to access this mental state with relative ease. This predisposition toward a positive response to simple hypnotic triggers has allowed some people with questionable motives a ways and means of manipulating another human’s mind.

People often seek help from qualified and licensed hypnotists to help them with minor lifestyle problems such as overeating or smoking. These real life hypnotists are generally quite good and almost never attempt any type of mental manipulation as such non-voluntary manipulation is unethical and fundamentally wrong.

Recently through the opening of the online community some members of the BDSM community have become accessible to huge numbers of ‘unknown’ individuals. Within this group have been a small but growing number of predators. Not all human predators like to physically molest, rape or kill other humans…some like to ‘toy’ with other people’s minds. Many new or emergent submissives are vulnerable to the ‘lines’ or ‘lures’ offered by these predators. Exposure to the BDSM community often opens up huge windows inside a person. These changes, much like all type of changes in life, leave the individual groping their way along on a pathway of information seeking, education and exploration. Their formerly well known and understood ‘rules’ suddenly shift or change and quite often they do not have sufficient information to correctly identify one of these masked predators when they meet them. In many ways their defenses have not gained a level of understanding to ensure their integrity or personal safety.

There is an instinctive desire to trust. Especially if that person offers themselves in the role of Dominant and speaks to you with interest and or kindness. Often the predator is quite charming and innocuous in online appearance and demeanor. They will seek out and tell you the things you may wish to hear. It is relatively easy to be swayed into believing in them when in all likelihood they have offered nothing of substance for you to base that trust upon. Your desire is your vulnerability. Your submissive nature is a clue and key to further opportunities for them.

If you are a new or emergent submissive and any online Dominant tells you that they can take you into space or hypnotize you for any reason online or on the phone. . . know and understand that such a suggestion is a demonstration of a lack of care for your personal safety. Hypnosis is only safe when done in person. A submissive entering space is vulnerable to significant detachment from physical reality – that detachment can make them unable to rationally discern true danger! A real Dominant will never willingly risk the life and mental health of any submissive!

I have also noted a growing trend of ‘online trainers’. It is my considered opinion that such ‘training’ especially online is almost always flawed, often significantly. A large percentage of these ‘trainers’ are simply individuals who want access to submissives without taking on the responsibilities, caring and love for them that a Dominant does. Dominants train their own submissives and usually have no desire for their submissive to be ‘trained’ by someone else. How will a Dominant learn the subtle significant details of their submissive if they are not present during that training? In real life there are occasionally times when a Dominant will cross train their real life submissive with another real life Dominant or submissive. Please note that I am stating that this is real life.

Many of these online ‘trainers’ promote themselves with a long and apparently venerable ‘history’ within the community yet they quite often have extreme difficulty in finding anyone within the real life community to verify or corroborate their reputation for those submissives educated enough to ask. These ‘trainers’ tend to seek out new, vulnerable submissives to train. It is important to remember that some of these predators have learned techniques which they deploy against the submissive to encourage that submissive to fall into their traps. All new submissives should know that true mentors or trainers are actively sought within their local communities if they are of quality. These individuals are generally of high character and well regarded and are very hard to become associated with due primarily to the fact that they are kept busy in real life. You will not find them online trolling for new submissives to ‘train’ for other Dominants.

If you are or believe yourself to be a new submissive just exploring this lifestyle, that simple belief may identify you as someone relatively easy to trigger into space. Quality Dominants are very familiar with this vulnerability and will attempt to not trigger you online or on the phone. They recognize the predisposition and will actively work on your behalf to keep you safe. All submissives belong to Dominants. You are our most precious resource. Anyone that elects to injure, sway, manipulate or damage you is not one of us. Pay attention to the actions of those you encounter, if you have memory gaps, lost time, physical symptoms you know are not normal with or during contact with anyone online then exit their presence as quickly as possible and take all measures possible to eliminate all further contact with them. Keep in mind that a submissive in sub-space will instinctively trust the person who puts them there. This means that you may or can divulge credit card numbers, the names of your children, your home phone number and address as well as all other screen names and other personal information. It will seem quite ‘normal’ within space. Report the incident to other BDSM people whom you know. Predators are not welcome here!

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 09, 2016 07:00

Ask Anything: My Master Wants to Have Sex With Other People

Dear Submissive Guide,

Is it normal for your Master to want to play and have sex with others?

Sincerely,
Curious

Dear Curious,

I could give you the glib answer and say, “There’s no such thing as normal” but that doesn’t help you much, does it?

Do some people, Dominant or submissive, want to have open relationships where they can have multiple partners? Yes.

Are some people and relationships polyamorous? Do they invite different people or a single person into their relationship in whatever way suits them? Yes.

Is it a requirement of D/s, BDSM, or kink? No.

Does your Master need your consent first? Yes. Otherwise, it’s cheating.

Only you know how you feel about your partner playing or having sex with other people. Whatever your feelings are, they’re okay to have.

You can think it’s completely okay only in certain situations – you have to know the person, you have to know it’s happening before it happens, you want to know all the details, you have to approve of the people, etc. Likewise, you can decide that you don’t want to know anything but you can require your partner to use protection, get tested, etc. You can also hate the entire idea of it and say that if he wants to be in a relationship with you, he won’t do it.

At some point, before playing and having sex with other partners begins, there needs to be a conversation. You both have to agree to how it will work, in what situations it will or won’t happen, and whether it will happen at all. If he wants to have multiple partners and you don’t want him to, you have to decide whether your relationship will continue. There is no right or wrong answer. The only wrong answer is if your Master has sexual or kinky encounters that you’re uncomfortable with, if he lies to you about any part of it, or if he never tells you at all and once confronted about it says he can because “He’s the Master.”

Not all Dominants, Masters or otherwise, want to have multiple partners in their relationship. Some do. It’s “normal” if it’s something you both discuss, negotiate, and agree to allow into your relationship.

And if you wonder if you should, ask yourself these questions:

Do I trust my partner completely? Does my partner always tell me the truth, good or bad?

Does my partner make communication a priority? Am I left wondering what he really meant or are things clearly explained?

Do I have the freedom to express my own doubts, worries, or concerns? Will he listen to me and take my feelings into consideration?

If your answers are all a big, emphatic, without-a-doubt yes, and you’re comfortable with the idea of opening up your relationship, go for it – slowly and with a lot of communication. But if you don’t have a relationship where you feel you trust your partner and can communicate openly, there will be problems down the road.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 07, 2016 07:00

The Thrill of Knife Play

“I learn in that very first instant the thrill of knife play. I have never encountered anything better able to make my body submit. Fast. As the sharp edge touches my jugular I am terrified to move a single millimeter anywhere on my body. I focus all my mental energy on keeping my physical body still, willing my planted heels to stay steady, and I feel my husband’s hot breath at my neck and his cock on my tailbone, pushing painfully into my worked body, hard as a steel rod. “

-Excerpt from Darling Discovered: A True Story of Submission

Knife play was something that started fairly early for us in our dynamic. My husband had always carried a pocketknife on his hip, every day for as long as I had known him. It was always for “McGuyver” type shit. Fixing things, taking a strand of string hanging from my hem, that kind of stuff. It shouldn’t have been surprising when it became one of our earlier tools for BDSM play. It was there. He was adept at using it. And it was scary and somehow sexy. It hit all of my Dominants sweet spots. As I documented in my book about the start of our dynamic, the thrill of knife play was so simple. When you have a knife to your skin, there are no more options: your body must submit. Don’t submit? Serious problems can be the result.

Let’s talk about knife play, what it is and what it isn’t. Knife play is often considered “edge play.” Edge play is different depending on who you ask but typically it is anything that “edges” on the line of SSC (or RACK or PRICK). Knife play runs the edge of what could be construed as safe because, well, knives. They’re inherently dangerous tools and this is play is best done with those experienced with the tool and with partners who are experienced with each other. Until you know that you can trust your partner with your life, do not engage in knife play. It is not blood play or cutting, though. The moment skin is intentionally cut or blood is intentionally let, it becomes a different thing. Knife play is quite simply playing with the knife on the surface of the skin.

So if you’re not having your skin cut (intentionally) and you’re not bleeding (intentionally), what exactly are you doing? Well, you are experiencing sensations of the knife against the skin. The knife point can be used to leave a pinprick sensation. The scraping of the blade perpendicular to the skin can leave a sensation similar to straight razor shaving. Pressure from the blade can leave you immobilized, not allowing you to move a millimeter without being cut. But all of these are Dominant techniques (Tops/Dominants, do some research! Take some classes! Practice knife play with something else like the edge of a credit card first! Be responsible!) and I want to focus on us as submissive.

What will you experience? Fear. It is quite scary to trust somebody enough to have a knife to you. Also adrenaline. It may trigger a fight or flight response so play slowly in the beginning because neither are really an option. You need to train yourself to calm down, to relax, to trust your Top. You may feel, of course, turned on. It is amazing what having your body totally submit feels like. It is like a switch is flipped and all of a sudden you are able to give up all control. That is sexy as hell (for this s-type, at least.) It may be painful. Indeed. It is, after all, a knife to you. As you may have noted in the above paragraph, I mentioned the word “intentionally” a couple times. It is pretty standard that if you do practice knife play, you will likely get nicked at some point. You may bleed from knife play. That may not be the goal, but we are imperfect people so mistakes can happen. To try and minimize, always play sober, always communicate beforehand, and if you think you cannot be still enough for your Top to continue let them know during the scene (safe words are meant to be used to communicate; the Top would be more disappointed in cutting you than in you stopping the scene).

How else can knives be used? Cutting fabric from the body is one of our favorites. You can either pre-cut clothes strategically for tearing or use the knife to cut clothes off. We also use the knife combined with other play. Love wax play? We have found no sexier way to remove the wax than a little knife scraping it off slowly. Have you tried saran wrap for immobilization/mummification? The knife in the hands of a skilled person can do amazing things cutting a person out. A knife can be used for intimidation in role playing scene as well.

The most important thing to know about knife play is that while it is a powerfully sexy tool, it is best used in the hands of an experienced person with an experienced couple. To learn more about knife play, seek out online resources and local education classes for more info; this is not intended to be an educational article for Tops about “how to,” much of that has been left for research by the other side of the slash. Be well and play risk aware.

[image error]So, submissives and bottoms, have you tried knife play? Have you had a similar experience about the body being “forced” to submit instantly? In what ways would you allow a knife into your scene? Is this a turn-off? A turn on?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 06, 2016 07:00

Words as Motivation – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

Three months ago I encountered a quote that has inspired me in my Submissive Guide work and I’ve been applying it to my life in other ways too so I wanted to share it with you and how it has made some positive change in my life.

“No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” – Clark Danger

What do you think? It really is an amazing quote for me and since it’s been a personal motivator for so much in my life I’ve got it written in a few places; near my computer, in my Bullet Journal and my Kink Network Record (another large journal that I track stats, write outlines and brainstorm). So, every day I feel like this quote speaks to me and continues to teach me.

I’ve learned that it’s not what I know but how I share it with the world that matters. It’s not the facts of things but my compassion for others. I’ve learned I need to feel more and be logical less. It’s really begun to make some changes in my thought process. I wish I could put it into better words. I really do.

But what about you? How can you learn from a motivational quote? For many people, they share quotes a lot because at the time it speaks to them or says something they want to say. But then, that quote gets forgotten. Even people who memorize Bible verses can learn how it might impact their life one moment and then forget it the next.

All it takes is a bit of purpose. You need to purposefully apply what you feel and learn from the inspirational words to your life. You need to make it mean something beyond the immediate head nod and Facebook share. Really let the quote speak to your situation, or how you wish to reach your goals or the way your relationship has developed. Meditate on the quote.

Quite a few of the Submissive Journal Prompts are quotes, and I get that many don’t know how to really use a quote for a prompt. I’ve seen responses that simply say if they like it or not, or how it might apply to the general sphere of BDSM or D/s but never anything with a personal connection. I challenge you to find a quote if you don’t have one already and figure out how you can apply what it’s saying to your life. Browse the Submissive Journal Prompts quotes if you’d like a lifestyle or personal growth quote to work from, but any quote will work if it pulls on your heartstrings or stirs your brain.

Do you have a quote that inspires you? Would you share it in the comments? How does it speak to you right now?

photography; George L Stein, model; Lilly Rose

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 05, 2016 07:00

[Freebie] 11 Questions to Ask Your Partner Who Just Came Out Kinky

Here’s the next free download! This freebie is for the vanilla partner that has just been told that their partner would like to explore something in the realm of BDSM or D/s and aren’t sure what to ask to get the answers you need to make an educated decision about your own interests. I worked to put together 11 questions every vanilla partner should ask.

If you are kinky and considering telling your partner (and you should) download this so you know what they might want to understand!

Download Now!

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Published on September 02, 2016 07:00

Book Review: BDSM-The Naked Truth by Dr. Charley Ferrer

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I picked up BDSM – The Naked Truth by Dr. Charley Ferrer a while ago. And by a while ago, I mean since 2012. It’s been sitting at the bottom of my Kindle library and part of my reading goals this year was to read some of those books that have sat untouched for a few years. I bought this book because I’m always interested when a new introduction to BDSM book comes out. Even though I don’t need an introduction to the lifestyle, every author, while for the most part saying the same thing, has their own way of sharing that information and their own tips and tricks. This is where I’m introduced to new ideas and new ways of thinking of old ideas and I love that. I also love being able to share these books as well with Submissive Guide readers. When Dr. Charley Ferrer stated that she is one of the world’s leading experts on BDSM, I had to check out and see what she had to say about the lifestyle.

For those of you who don’t know who Dr. Ferrer is, let me give you a little bit of information about her. Dr. Ferrer is a world-renowned clinical sexologist, BDSM expert, and radio/TV talk show host and producer. She also has her own private practice in New York where she provides coaching and mentoring consultations on various aspects of sexuality including sex therapy, BDSM, and self-empowerment. She is also the founder of the BDSM Writer’s Con, which is a conference for authors, readers, and publishers of BDSM erotica.

Dr. Ferrer describes this book as not a beginner’s how to guide, but focuses more on the emotional and psychological connections that couples make with each other in a power exchange relationship, which is exactly what she covers. In the first few chapters, she covers fundamentals of BDSM, definitions of words that are frequently used throughout the life style, and the psychology behind the lifestyle as well as misconceptions. Later in the book she covers topics such as protocol, training, punishment, as well as a little detail about different types of activities that take place within a BDSM relationship such as bondage, impact play, and wax play to name a few.

I really did not enjoy reading this book. For the most part while reading, I found myself getting not just upset, but rather angry by some of the things she said and her tone throughout the book. Dr. Ferrer has this tone throughout the book of being one of those one true way individuals. That what she says is gospel and how everyone else should follow. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s how I felt reading this book. She also mentions several misconceptions in her book as fact. Not only that, but she says that people who are in full-time power exchange relationships are more serious about BDSM than those who only practice it in the bedroom. She also says that those who are in full-time relationships see those who aren’t as “kids in a candy store grabbing as many treats as they can before running back to their vanilla lives”. After reading that, I was quite ready to throw my tablet across the room. In my opinion, this completely goes against the your kink is not my kink and that’s okay. You don’t judge people based on their kinks or how they practice their kinks. That is not okay. Hearing this from someone who helps people with sexual and kink acceptance, makes me wonder just how accepting Dr. Ferrer really is of people who practice kink outside of her definitions.

Some misconceptions she mentions:

That those who are considered property aren’t allowed safewords.
That there is a belief within the community that as one grows in maturity and desire, that the individual will move on from mere play into a D/s relationship and then eventually into a M/s relationship.
Slaves are not allowed to negotiate aspects and limits within their relationship and the only limits a slave has is what is given to them by their master.
That dominants are considered wimpy for wanting to open up to their s-type
That it’s not uncommon for s-types to purposely instigate punishments.

She makes these statements and several others as if these things happen in all relationships and as we all know, every relationship is different and based upon what the parties involved want from and out of the relationship. Making sweeping generalizations such as these just continue to feed stereotypes and misconceptions that people have about the lifestyle.

Two things she does mention in the book that I liked is something she says about power exchange and the stigma that a lot of female dominants and male submissives have to deal with.

Dr. Ferrer mentions early in the book that power exchange is at the heart of all BDSM interactions and this passage got me thinking about how true that is. Whether the individuals are involved in a full-time relationship or bedroom only, there is always a power exchange happening. Reading this line made me realize that pretty much everything that everything that we do, power exchange is the basis for that.

She also throughout the later chapters in the book, she mentions stigmas that both female dominants and male submissives face. The reason why I like that she did this is because while people may not think about it, both female dominants and male submissives tend to have a harder time in the lifestyle. There are male dominants out there, as well as female s-types who look down on this type of relationship, which in my opinion is sad. Talking about this subject makes people aware that there are prejudices in the lifestyle, especially towards those who don’t fit the typical male dominant/female s-type mold.

Overall, I would not recommend this book for reading. I found too many things I disagreed with and feel like the tone of the book isn’t at all friendly. I feel there are a lot of other books out there that are worth your money and energy.

You can learn more about Dr. Charley Ferrer at her website and you can purchase a copy of BDSM The Naked Truth at Barnes and Noble and Amazon.

Tequila R’s Rating: 1 out of 10

Publisher: Institute of Pleasure (October 1, 2011)

Paperback: 228 Pages

Language: English

ISBN-10: 0977006344

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 30, 2016 07:00

Born Again into Kink: Discovering Kink at Middle Age

From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 5/28/16

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Dear Mistress,

. . . One in particular that often bothers me, the impact of the Internet on the lifestyle or the type of people who suddenly “found themselves ” at the ripe age of 40 . I wonder why a persons sexual makeup only came out now ? How could you not know you were different growing up ?

BORN AGAIN ~

Over the past several years I have become more and more interested in answering this particular question. There are several surface answers which appear valid yet fail to address what I feel inside to be the fuller truth. It can be shown that the advent of the Internet has reverberated as a ‘burst’ or explosion of interest in the S/m community although this is most often vocalized under the auspices of Domination and submission rather than BDSM. I do not see this ‘burst’ of interest as limited to exploration of S/m but see evidence that this ‘burst’ has occurred across many fields of study and interest, so to that extent this appears to fall within the normal range of experience as information simply became more readily available to people (at large) as the Information Super Highway opened up. Some people speculate that the Internet has served to ‘create’ this interest and that as fast as it arrived it will dissipate. This concept is based on the idea that the ‘need’ for knowledge and information will become glutted, finally sating the individual wherein they will revert to their ‘normal’ framework and begin to distance themselves from the ‘playground’. This does appear to be a reasonable concept as many of the people who initially were ‘captivated’ by the mystery of BDSM have since pulled back to live their lives in almost the same manner as they did prior to exploring BDSM. This also appears to be consistent with the exploration of other curiosities made accessible or cyber interactive via this media. The most visible of these would be the explosion in UFO, alternative and conspiracy materials and websites. However, since each of these is a different arena I have hesitated to sweep all into the same box and label it ‘Internet Phenomenon’.

Taken separately D/s, S/m, BDSM deal with interpersonal relationships on the most intimate levels. Unlike an interest in a particular ‘idea’ such as the existence of aliens, involvement in S/m includes interaction involving the activities in a persons real life existence, thereby taking this ‘interest’ out of the little white box safety of the Internet or outside of a mental debate and places it inside the intimate physical, emotional, mental and spiritual relationships of the individual.

So, although there are similarities, these are not sufficient to explain what is happening.

At the moment I am in the process of collecting historical data on ‘emergence’ based on those people who ‘found themselves’ prior to the existence of the Internet as a factor. Based purely on my limited personal experience I have noted the existence of people younger than 35-40 (including myself and my late husband) within the community before that point, however, in my personal recollection I still remember a predominance of ‘mid-life’ people who were a statistically higher number in comparison to youthful ‘active’ and senior ‘active’. This on the surface would appear to ‘echo’ the current phenomenon regardless of the intervention of the Internet.

Recently I received part of the UNICEF survey related to birth control world-wide. This study appears to have been oriented primarily at women with some surprising findings. Those women given a ‘freedom’ to partake of birth control appear to have elected to do so, with the birth rate falling (not really surprising to me) This reduction in child-birth or dependency if coupled to an opportunity for the woman to further her potential independent earnings (such as through education) reflected a choice by the woman to limit reproduction to a single child or two children. In addition these women elected to have a child later in life when their independent finances were more established. Further it was noted that given this expansion of choices that a majority of the women selected one mate to have children with. Then moved to select a different mate during mid-life (to share interests with) and further to select a third mate to (age with). These separations of ‘childbearing age’, ‘mid-life age’ and ‘old-age’ were surprising given the pre-existence of ‘norm’ being a single mate throughout a woman’s life, this being offered historically as the ‘preferred woman’s choice’. The survey further explored how the number of children produced appeared to alter or destroy this choice process. If more than two children were created then the woman was much more likely to stay with originator mate. If 4 or more children were created then the likelihood of remaining with the ‘originator mate’ increased to 97%. (Please refer to UNICEF for the actual statistical numbers).

Although the material I reviewed did not contain the same type of survey of men I have since reading that material inquired of men who I know who are mid-life to old-age and asked them of their feelings on this ‘pattern’. Most of the men I spoke with appeared to feel a ‘kinship’ to the three mate lifetime concept, versus the ‘single mate norm’. As I do not have any statistical data on this I cannot offer this as anything more than initial or anecdotal.

To some extent I believe that ‘child-bearing years’ contain a type of setting in the mind that compels the individual into a pattern of ‘conformity to standard’, which may be a control tool (control of reproduction – control the population). This inhibition or setting appears to become inactive when the individual exits prime child bearing years. As this inhibition fades the individual appears to reclaim interests which existed prior to ‘child bearing’ and return to explorations that had lain relatively dormant during those years. Some might choose to believe that this is a natural outgrown of ‘maturing’ but I do not believe that this is entirely so, in my experience if a person who has reached this point ‘becomes’ ‘child bearing active’ again then they will ‘revert’ to the same blockaded position, or seek to perform to community standard once more (or at least to some degree). Those who ‘emerge’ prior to the full growth of their children tend to express deep conflicting feelings or the sense of being torn between ‘standard’ and this further ‘need’ to seek out their personal ‘truth’. It is of interest that many people feel their ‘young life’ to have been incomplete in many crucial ways. The choice to live in a state of feeling unfulfilled appears to me to be unnatural or imposed. Many people seek to escape this state as soon as possible, however they often merely change partners and continue the same difficulties during that ‘youthful’ period of years.

Mid-life is that point where the individual completes their duty toward childbearing often becoming the first opportunity to be ‘without’ primary responsibilities. In addition as a more seasoned adult the individual is more able to ‘know’ or be direct in what they want at that point, they become ‘able’ to articulate what they want and need. Many people want to reclaim their ability to play! They may also become less vulnerable to criticism, or community censure as their ‘self’ is now firmly established.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 29, 2016 07:00

On Multiple Dominants

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

There is an almost universal level of acceptance for the ‘idea’ of one man or ‘Dominant’ having many or multiple partners or submissives. Such a Dominant may be considered to have prowess, charisma, strength and independence from the expectation of singular commitment. There is a measure of esteem attached to this Dominants ability to maintain a level of detachment. To some extent that ‘detachment’ makes that Dominant more ‘desirable’ in the eyes of others. A mystique may form which may create a desire to ‘capture’ or catch the attention and/or commitment of this Dominant. There is enticement in the mystery and challenge that this Dominant represents. Often a new Dominant will go through a ‘phase’ or period of time where they are captivated by the buffet of choices presented to them and the removal of judgment for making choices in opposition to those imposed by society.

What is less visible but equally common is the identical phenomenon within submissives. Many submissives discover the ‘identity’ of this lifestyle while ‘surfing’ on the Internet. A large percentage of these submissives are married with children, mortgages, car payments and long term if rather boring careers. With many of these submissives, their marriage has developed a flat or pallid flavor. Contact or communication with their spouse may be terse or directed from a defensive position. The excitement is gone. The level of attention they may have once been shown has disappeared. They, the hope-filled youth with starry eyes, is abandoned.

A large percentage of these submissives have suffered a loss of hope which may have manifested in expressions of personal neglect. It is common for many of them to allow their physical appearance to diminish usually through overeating and the withdrawal from daily exercise. From the inside, the submissive may simply feel a gnawing hole inside of them. It aches from the beginning of time to the ends of forever. The food gives them a minor fix, a temporary sensation of completion. (Addictive or fixated obsessions with food, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs and many other types of collecting habits are commonplace). Then that sensation flees and they are left trapped in a cycle of increasing ego and self-esteem problems.

Submissives tend to be goal driven. The marriage presented a panorama of challenges, choices, and goals in the beginning. Everything was possible. Then events occurred which burnished the shine off of the apple to reveal the bruises and rottenness at the core. The fantasy is over, the promise or dreams unfulfilled, the need remains. A hunger so vast that at times it overwhelms the submissive. Depression is familiar. Pain a twist in the heart. With the loss of the promise, the submissive loses their ‘goal’. Often they replace a portion of their need for attention by creating a secondary goal, a job or career in which they can excel to the point of commendation from others. But it is a hollow shadow of what their insides tell them is possible. It addresses some of the needs of their ‘outer or public’ persona but does little or nothing for their inner persona who remains alone and lonely in their most intimate of places.

By the time many of these submissives ‘find’ the D/s lifestyle their marriage is flourishing in name only. They wander along one day and before them appears a new world. A world where the promise is openly considered, where their need is stripped from its hidden place to be worn proudly around the necks of others. The hunger which has burned within for sometimes decades flares brightly into a roaring flame.

Often, this submissives ‘need’ is so intense that they will fill every available waking moment on-line ‘feeding’. Within a few short weeks, they become adept at creating multiple names which they use to seduce or attract the attention of many different people at once. They hide this duplicity. The Dominants they attract desire individual focused attention. There appears to be no acceptable place to express the truth of their multiple Dominants. Often they will desire NO long term commitment or dedicated restrictions. Why? They have just found the buffet that can address their ancient hunger, why should they stand there and not indulge themselves?

As a ‘submissive’ they are expected to have only one ‘special’ Dominant. They are told they must give over their trust and expectations into the care of this single Dominant. But, within their very fresh memory is the tractable path of where that choice led them in the past One Dominant increases the risk of failure of the need to be met. Many submissives note the inequality of how this desire to have numerous partners is viewed and silently resent it.

In addition, many submissives discover that their on-line Dominant contacts have only limited amounts of time to give to them. So, the submissive takes ‘several’ Dominants. Since this appears to be ‘unacceptable’ submissive conduct the submissive chooses to hide their actions.

The desire to ‘feed’ at the buffet occurs almost equally between new Dominants and submissives. The decision to evade long term commitment often spans several years before the Dominant and submissive discover the need for a deeper fulfillment that simply cannot be addressed through casual bondings.

The decision to abstain from commitment should not bring censure upon the individual if that person is honest in expressing that fact to those they interact with. The desire to judge the decisions of other people by self-created standards of ‘new acceptable rules’ merely creates further limitations and isolation or polarity within the community.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 26, 2016 07:00