Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 20

August 25, 2016

Weekend Giveaway: $30 Gift Card from Paddles & Pleasures on Etsy.com (1 Winner)

This weekend’s giveaway marks the end of this year’s Annual Summer Giveaway Series and it is a great one! If you are looking for a new spanking implement and love handcrafted paddles, then this is a prize you can’t pass up! Paddles & Pleasures on Etsy is offering up a $30 gift card to use at their shop to one lucky winner! You will be able to select the perfect new toy for your bag.

Here’s what Randall says about his lovely shop and paddles:
I am a maker, driven to create, to make instruments, devices which have a purpose yet still must have their own unique beauty. My paddles are an aid to communication, to the transfer of passion and intent. They are crafted to provide a wealth of variations in application and most importantly to do so with control and precision.

Here on PaddlesandPleasures you will find my wood children waiting for you to choose the one (or the many) that speak to you. I work in many different kinds of wood, both domestic and exotic, soft and hard wood. I pick every piece of material with an eye as to how its color, density, and grain pattern will be best served in the making of beautiful, balanced items, which can then serve the desires of you, its owner.

I have been making paddles and canes for over a decade, first for use by and on me, then as gifts, then selling them. Sometimes I am fortunate enough to get to visit with one or more of the items I placed in someone’s hands so many years ago, and its truly a pleasure to hear they are still loved and playing hard and well, and that they still look fabulous!

Would you like to win a $30 gift card from Paddles & Pleasures? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, August 28th at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 25, 2016 07:00

August 24, 2016

Simply Service e-Zine: August 2005

We’re back again this month with another look back at a resource from the past. Remember, much of the content of these newsletters is still relevant today so take some time to read it!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

On to the August edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2005.

August 2005

Download Now!

Grace in Service by Linda ‘BootPig’ Hall
Being Transparent for Daddy by slaveboi carlie
Aromatherapy Uses in Service by Tante Jen
Working with Speech Protocols by slave a
Rule of St Benedict Notes for use in Master/slave or service relationships by slave jean
Our Readers Write!
Consideration 101 by sazmira

Related Posts:
Simply Service e-Zine: January 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: July 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: February 2005
The Return of the Simply Service Newsletter
Simply Service e-Zine: June 2005

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Published on August 24, 2016 07:00

August 22, 2016

Taking a Break – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

Recently I’ve encountered a few questions from others asking about taking a break from submission or from the D/s relationship and I’ve been a bit concerned by the thoughts coming out of the discussions. The idea that you can turn submission off is abhorrent for many of us submissives who identify as submissive in role and not in a short term behavior change. For myself, submissive is who I am, not what I do so I could never stop being submissive. I liken it to being a sibling, spouse or a parent. You can never take a break from these roles. Sure you can shuffle their priority depending on what you are doing, but you never stop identifying as any of these roles.

But that’s not quite what people are asking. Okay, so maybe some are asking that, but depending on how you identify in your submission, that answer can be a straight yes or no. Casual submissives, those that are submissive only in the bedroom or during play, can easily take a break from submission. Others that might also be able to turn off their submissive desires are ones in a long distance or online only relationship.

But if you are like me, and can’t separate yourself from the submissive/slave you are, then the answer isn’t as clear. I’ve had a similar thought on occasion and I know what they mean when they ask for a break and for me the reason or reasons behind it are personal.

Sometimes I experience moments of intense stress and during these times, I want to shed as much as I can that can cause me that stress. “Taking a break” from everything, as it were. It’s not that I’ll stop being submissive, but I want to stop thinking about it, stop carrying the responsibility of it and also to shed my obligation to it. It doesn’t mean I want to stop being submissive or being KnyghtMare’s slave, but just that I want the weight of the world at the time to subside and give me a space to breathe.

Can I take a break, really? Not anymore. I may have been able to do it early on in my submission, when it wasn’t as ingrained in me as it is now. Now I find submission to be a release when the world is at its worst. How I made the shift might help some of you wondering if you could take a break from submission.

Just like the roles of spouse or parent, it’s never the actual role that you want to escape from; it’s what comes with it. So, with my submission, I learned to accept that submission was the escape from everything else weighing me down. The main goal if any role in our lives, hopefully, is to find peace and happiness. When I realized that I felt most at peace and happy when I was submitting I stopped fighting against it and my desires for a break faded. Trust me when I say this was not an easy process and even today I have to remind myself how wonderful submission makes me feel so that I can embrace it again, full force.

Our lives are busy and stressful and yes, sometimes we can feel overwhelmed with it. Don’t make submission something you want to escape from. Find something about it that gives you joy and hang on to that when all the world is crowding around you.

What can you learn from this story? I’d like to know your thoughts on taking a break in the comments below!

August 18, 2016

Weekend Giveaway: Creative Humiliation Scene Starter Cards from Princess Kali (1 Winner)

Welcome back to another Weekend Giveaway!

If you are into our curious about humiliation play and dirty talk then this scene starter deck is an excellent way to enhance your play! Princess Kali is offering one deck of Creative Humiliation Scene Starter Cards to a lucky winner in this weekend’s contest. Princess Kali has also written a book about Erotic Humiliation called, “Enough to Make You Blush” and I’ve given it a positive review. Humiliation play isn’t for everyone, but those that do enjoy a bit of dirty talk or being called humiliating things for the purpose of playtime could always use variety. Ms Kali handed out sample cards at a convention I attended and I loved the uniqueness and inspiration they triggered.

This giveaway is for readers in the Continental US only.

There are over 200 phrases in more than 20 categories, giving you a huge (and fun) resource to inspire your verbal humiliation play.

There are multiple ways to use the Scene Starters™ Deck:

The dominant can read them out during a session, flipping through to find ones that are inspiring or particularly appropriate for the current moment.
The submissive can be instructed to choose a few phrases (or whole cards) to use during the scene as a way to give the dominant insight into their mindset.
The deck makes a great negotiation tool on either side to share examples or words that are desired or are on the no-go list.

Categories include teasing, chastity, cuckolding, degradation, dehumanization, domestic, foot fetish, financial fetish, inferiority, intelligence, bodily functions, body insults, masturbation, nudity, objectification, piss play, sex, sissification and smoke fetish.

The deck comes in a durable plastic box with a snap closure so you can toss it in your play bag.

This giveaway is for readers in the Continental US only.

Would you like to win a set of Creative Humiliation Scene Starter Cards? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, August 21st at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

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Published on August 18, 2016 07:00

August 17, 2016

Ask Submissive Guide: Fisting Fail and Sexual Injury

Dear Submissive Guide,

I have recently entered into a D/s relationship with a man that I’ve had an on/off sexual relationship with for 10 years. I would describe or sexual encounters up to now as vanilla, but intense and occasionally mildly aggressive. But we both have an interest in D/s, he has experience, I don’t. I’m enjoying the submissive role, but yesterday we tried fisting and it didn’t go well. (I want to add that he has a very large penis, and has used 3 or 4 fingers before with no issues at all). So we tried fisting, it was uncomfortable but still pleasurable, I felt he was taking it slow, but we had to stop as he noticed I was bleeding. This proceeded to get worse, I ended up having severe bleeding for 10 hours afterwards (and I mean severe – I’ve given birth to two children naturally and never experienced anything like this).

During that time I was admitted to hospital, fainted due to extreme blood loss, required a blood transfusion and iv fluids, and only narrowly escaped needing surgery to repair the vaginal tear that we had caused (I say “we” because I truly believe we are equally responsible for this injury). Doctors are hopeful that the tear will heal on its own, and blood loss has slowed to a very small amount now. Medical advice is to abstain from sex entirely for 6-8 weeks, and take it really easy after that. I absolutely will follow the advice.

But if I’m honest, I’m scared to have sex at all ever again. I’m also worried how this will affect the dynamic of our D/s relationship. He feels awful that he hurt me so badly, and I wonder if he will now struggle to continue what we started. I know communication is key, so really I need to talk to him about that. I hope we are able to carry on our exploration, as it is something I’ve been curious about/interested in for several years but am only now starting to truly explore. I know I could only have a D/s relationship with someone I trust, which is why I chose this man. My questions I guess are – 1) have you known anyone to suffer such bad consequences of fisting and then go on to have a normal sex life? 2) realistically, would it be even remotely safe to try fisting again, or should I take this as a sign that it isn’t for me, despite enjoying it? 3) if fisting is a particular interest/kink of his, would it be fair, or possible, to want him to continue our D/s relationship without that aspect?

Sincerely,
Fisting Fail

I think it’s safe to say that anyone reading this is glad to know that 1) you’re okay now (or you will be) and 2) that you’re listening to medical advice in order to heal.

Your questions are legitimate ones, and I hope I can address them adequately.

Personally, no, I’ve never heard of such drastic consequences for fisting. My first question would be, did you use enough lube? The key to fisting, something I have myself enjoyed in the past, is to use more lube than you think you should and then add more lube to that amount. If you did, would a slower warm-up have been better? In some cases, it can take days and weeks of stretching those walls and then up to an hour or more for fisting when the fist in question is rather large (or the vagina smaller than average).

Assuming all of that was done, it is possible that for the two of you fisting isn’t a good idea. Even if it wasn’t, only you and he can decide if you want to take the chance and risk of future injury. My recommendation would be to talk to your doctor about the possibility of future injury – yes, this can be awkward and you may have to seek out a kink-friendly physician if you think your doctor isn’t going to give you an answer without attempting to shame you.

Can you have a normal sex life after this injury? Assuming you follow medical advice, take it easy – at least at first, and play safe, I would imagine the answer is yes but because everyone is so unique, it’s a conversation best left between you and your doctor, and a conversation for you and your Dominant.

The last question is what concerns me the most. Since I’m not a doctor, I’m not going to give you medical advice about your body and fisting but when it comes to kinks and fetishes, I think your worry is a common one. Many submissives wonder that if they can’t do one specific kink or fetish with their partner if the relationship is doomed.

In a relationship where you connect in multiple ways, this shouldn’t be a concern. One kink that doesn’t align – whether due to desire or, in your case, a medical issue – isn’t grounds to end an entire relationship. Think about it from a different perspective. What if your Dominant could no longer spank you with his hand because of an injury – he could use toys, he could do other things, but his hand was out? Would you leave him over that or would you find ways to accommodate this injury? Most people (assuming the relationship is a good one) find ways to accommodate their partner. This should be no different.

But even in relationships where the kinks don’t align purely because of personal preference (instead of medical need), two people can still make it work and have a great relationship even if they can’t or don’t want to do something the other person enjoys. In vanilla relationships, there’s no “requirement” that every personal preference you have agrees with your partner’s preferences (think politics, religion, sports teams) – why should the same requirement exist for D/s relationships?

If fisting is truly out for you, talk to your Dominant (talk to him anyway, in general) and let him know your concerns. In the meantime, make a list of everything you can still do that you enjoy and the things you still want to explore together – not to validate you or your relationship but use it as a reminder that there’s much more to your relationship (and your explorations) than one kinky act. Remember, there’s more to D/s than just sexual acts. While you’re healing (assuming it’s safe) you may want to explore those avenues and see where it takes you. You may find other parts of D/s that you enjoy as much or more than fisting – and it will help keep you connected while sex is out of the question.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on August 17, 2016 07:00

August 16, 2016

Our Ceremony of Roses, Vow Renewal, and Re-collaring

A couple years ago, the MR and I decided to renew our wedding vows. We had been through a rocky start to our marriage and had transformed since originally marrying from a vanilla, egalitarian relationship to a kinky, Dominant and submissive one, and finally we had arrived at Master and slave. We felt at home in M/s. We wanted to say new vows that applied to the “new us” and wanted to exchange a blood bond as Master and slave as a symbol of our eternal commitment.

I know there are a lot of people curious about collaring ceremonies and the such, and since we had a pretty open Ceremony of Roses (hosted at a local party and we invited anybody in the community to attend and pay witness), I have decided to share the ceremony itself.

I think the Ceremony of Roses is a romantic exchange and it was a very meaningful event for us. More so than even our wedding. It was beautiful and is a time I re-live as often as I need to in order to reaffirm my life as an owned slave.

Enjoy, and feel free to incorporate any of our words or symbols into your life.

The Recommitment/Ceremony of Roses of MR and Mrs.

The Facilitator- M.A.

Owner- MR

slave- Mrs.

1st Witnesses –R and G

2nd Witnesses – A and B

———————————————

Ceremony –

1. Greeting

M.A. rings a bell to signal the beginning.

(MR and gentlemen stand to the side of M.A.)

M. A.:

“Welcome all. We gather in this place at this moment to observe and celebrate two journeys met, one of time and the other of distance. Two souls, two bodies, two hearts and two destinies will be bonded before us.

Tonight they celebrate their recommitment as both Husband and wife, as well as Master and slave. The power they will exchange binds them together as surely as any rope or chain could ever. It is a locking of hearts, minds, spirits, and souls. It strengthens them and makes them one.”

M.A. rings the bell to bring in Mrs. and ladies.

2. Renew Wedding Vows

M.A.:

“Love is friendship caught on fire; it is quiet, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through the good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection, and makes allowances for human weaknesses.

Love is content with the present, hopes for the future, and does not brood over the past. It is the day-in and day-out chronicles of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories, and working toward common goals.

If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you do not have it, no matter what else there is, it is not enough.

It is because of that love for each other that you have decided to congregate today and publically declare your vows that you have written for each other.

Speak those loving words to each other now.”

(Wedding vows exchanged- MR and Mrs.)

M.A.:

“MR and Mrs., remove each other’s wedding band from the hand that wears it.”

(Mrs. hands her rose to G to hold. Both remove wedding bands)

“MR, sweep Mrs. ring through the fire. Allow the flames to kiss the metal, to burn away any impurities that live there, to remove any mistakes of the past made while wearing it. Mrs. is renewed as your wife today. Do you commit, again, to have her be your wife until your last breath on earth?”

MR: I do. (Place ring on finger.)

M.A.:

“Mrs., bring MR’s band through the fire. Cleanse the metal of the mistakes of his past, and prepare to offer it to him anew. MR is renewed as your husband today. Do you commit, again, to have him be your husband until you take the last breath of your life?”

Mrs.: I do. (Place ring on finger.)

M.A.:

“Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you as Husband and wife continued, MR and Mrs.

MR, you may kiss your wife.”

3. Ceremony of Roses

M.A. rings the bell to signal beginning of the rose ceremony.

M.A.:

“MR, you come here today to not only recommit as Husband and wife, but also to make a public declaration of your life as Master and slave. Please prepare your slave.”

(Dress is removed, Mrs. kneels, collar is removed and handed to R, MR and Mrs. pick up roses)

M.A.:

“The coming together as Husband and wife is an important commitment, certainly, but that is a representation of what you are to each other in relation to the outside world. Husband and wife is what you are. Master and slave is who you are. Today you will bind yourselves as such permanently.

Slave, you carry a white rose to your Master as a gift. The white rose is a symbol of your submission to him. It symbolizes your purity of heart and intention, that your desire to serve him is selfless. The white rose is not yet in full bloom, and neither are you. The call to submission is ever blooming, constantly growing, and you are to remember this bud as a reminder to always remember that you can open up a little more for your Master.

MR, you carry a red rose in full bloom, showing your maturity of self and your readiness to accept the responsibility of owning your slave. The red symbolizes your passion for her, your desire to posses this woman in this intense way, and your commitment to protect her at all costs, even if it requires you to spill your blood to do so.

May your witnesses bind you in chain.”

(A picks up the chain, runs it over the fire, and he and B will together drape it over MR and Mrs. shoulders.)

(M.A. continues speaking while happening.)

M.A.:

“The links of this chain represents your life together. Each link of the chain holds an event, a memory of your lives thus far and a moment that has yet to come. Passing it through the flames signifies the purification of all of the events, and all of the bad memories will be burned into insignificance and only the good shall remain. This chain holds your bodies, and souls, together as you make this bond.

MR, take your red rose, your symbol of ownership, and draw blood from your slave.”

(MR pricks Mrs. finger with the red rose)

“Slave, mark your blood upon the white rose you carry, showing your commitment to your Master that can never be undone.”

(Mrs. marks white rose with blood)

M.A.:

“MR, take the white rose that symbolizes this slave’s commitment and draw your own blood, and place two drops on the petal: one drop alone, symbolizing your lone walk as the leader of this relationship, and one drop covering her mark, showing your union.”

(MR pricks his finger and marks the white rose with blood)

M. A.:

“Bring your fingers together now, combining the very blood that flows through your bodies. Today you are bound together for eternity, as closely as your own family blood-lines. The two of you can never be undone; there is no separation that can be permanent and complete.”

(A and B remove the chain and wrap in fabric)

M. A.:

“MR, place the roses in the vase and take them with you this evening as you continue on to join your bodies together. Let these two roses watch over as you consummate this bond further.

In the morning, together, the two of you are to pull the petals off, and combine them in a jar that you shall keep forever. The combining of the petals will serve as a visual reminder of the mixing and blending of your two lives. Upon death, a portion of those petals are placed with the body to show your bond will extend beyond the grave.

Legends have been told of roses that have sprung up on the graves of couples who have loved so strongly during their physical lifetime that even in death they sent back evidence of their everlasting love in the form of roses that bloom again on the graves.

May we all be so lucky to find a love so great.”

The Collaring

M. A:

“MR, take your slaves collar and purify it in the fire, and as you place it upon her neck that has worn it for the past year, knowing that she will wear it for many, many years to come, repeat after me:”

“I offer this testimony in trust and sincerity. (Wait for MR to repeat each line)

I am a dominant man.

I am just that.

I am not dominant because of any superiority on my part.

Not because I feel more intelligent or wiser.

I am not dominant because of the strength or the mass of my body.

I am not, nor would I want to be dominant with all women.

Yet to you, I am Master.

I am your Master only after earning your trust.

I embrace your submissiveness.

I have looked into your heart and mind,

and clearly see your desires and passions.

You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions.

You tell me of the needs of your heart and body.

You have given me total access to your soul,

and I accept that responsibility and honor.

Your belief in me gives me courage and direction.

Your strength disperses my doubt.

Your needs and desires encourage

and give purpose to my efforts.

We are not equal.

We are halves of a whole.

We complement each other and make each other complete.

I dominate you only because you have allowed me to,

and when I see your body kneel before me

in my mind and heart,

you are raised above all other women

and all the treasures of the earth.

Within the bounds of our relationship

it is my duty to protect you,

and that you will know, that under my care;

no harm will come to you

as a result of actions taken by Me

or you.

This is my responsibility.

(Brief pause)

M. A.: “Slave, who did you enter into this room as?”

Mrs.: “i came here as xxxxx”

M. A.: “Slave, who are you now?”

Mrs.: “I am only a slave.”

M. A.: “MR, how will you have your slave be known?”

MR: “M.A. she shall be known only as Mrs. Darling. My darling.”

M. A:

“Everyone, I present to you, MR and his owned slave, Mrs. Darling.”

(MR helps Mrs. stand)

4. Closing

M. A.:

“MR and Mrs., now you have publicly declared your commitment to a lifetime of living as Master and slave. As you both know so well, this is not role play. This is not a game. This is not a phase. This is not play time. This is your real lives.

May you continue living it in the way that makes each of you feel happy, and fulfilled, from this day until your last.

To all those who have enhanced this gathering with your presence, let me take this moment on behalf of MR and Mrs. to sincerely thank you for celebrating this event with them, and invite you to gather after for the celebration to come.”

(MR and Mrs. exit, followed by their witnesses and facilitator.)

Thank you for reading our combination vow renewal, Ceremony of Roses, and re-collaring. I hope it provides some good information for those also interested in this ceremony.

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Published on August 16, 2016 07:00

August 15, 2016

Meeting Someone Face to Face Is an Important Early Step in Online Dating

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 05-14-16

We spend a lot of time in front of a screen these days. We chat, we shop, we explore and we date, all from the comfort of our homes. But, it is my opinion, that dating is something that really should be done face to face. Yeah, I know, I met KnyghtMare online and we lived on separate continents for 6 months before finally meeting. In our defense we weren’t looking for face to face relationships at the time and were perfectly happy being an online D/s couple, especially with the distance involved. That changed and as soon as it did, we wanted to be at least in the same state, let alone the same room as quickly as possible to see if we clicked away from the screen. When looking for that compatible partner to spend your life with, determining face to face if they are attractive, how well you get along and many other factors is an important early step; even if you plan to continue discussions online after meeting.

I honestly think that dating online limits a lot of your interactions and learning about someone only face to face dating can do. A lot of people have an unspoken assumption that meeting someone in person automatically shifts things from online to in person and ends the “getting to know you” phase, so that if you “click” at that meeting, things progress to deciding when to play or whether to end it. It always sounds like people assume that a meet for coffee means there will be no more in-depth online or on-phone or some other non face-to-face discussions or negotiations.

There’s no inherent reason whatsoever why that needs to be true. It’s just as possible – even reasonable – to say “now that we’ve met, we can begin the next step of online discussions.” It really depends on what you are seeking for a relationship. If you want only online, never physical relationship with the person, then of course you don’t need to ever meet this person. But if you are looking for a relationship that will be physical you definitely want to meet the person before you invest a ton of time getting to know them online. Even if it means just making sure this person is who they say they are; that they are serious about seeking a relationship also.

What does insisting on meeting early on help you figure out about this potential Dominant partner?

First, it helps you figure out if the person is online only, or may even be already in a relationship. You are looking for a real, maybe even long-term or lifelong relationship. You don’t want to spend your time talking to someone online if they have no intention of leaving the cyber realm. If they are cheating on their partner, they will be less likely (although not impossible) to want to meet you for coffee to get to know you further. There are others that are role-playing online and when presented with a proposal to carry on offline they will simply vanish.

Also, you’ll learn if this person is as serious as you are about establishing a committed relationship with someone and considers you as a potential mate. People who are far less certain will be unwilling to meet someone offline. There is no reason to sit behind a computer screen getting to know someone who has no intention of developing a relationship on the same level that you are seeking.

And finally, you’ll see if there’s physical attraction. In most D/s relationships there is a level of intimacy expected, so you would want to have the desire to be with that person, right? Granted, if you are looking for a long-term, service based relationship with no sexual or play expected you’d have a different idea on attraction.

Setting Up The First Meeting

When you are ready to meet your potential Dominant for the first time, what goes through your mind? Do you think about safety at all or do the nervousness and excitement overload your common sense?

You may not think that safety is necessary for someone you’ve been talking to for x number of hours, days, months, years but the person you meet could be very different from what is portrayed online and you may not be compatible. How do you get out of the meeting safely and how do you protect yourself?

Be Prepared

It is the boy scouts moto for a reason; always know what you are getting into and have everything prepared, even if you may never use it or need it. For first dates, make sure you have basic information about the Dominant you are meeting. What color and make their car is, their license plate if they will give it to you (and why wouldn’t they?), their name and phone number, address and other important information you have collected. Leave this information at home in plain sight and with your safe call (more on safe calls below). If something were to happen to you, then the authorities would have somewhere to start.

Of course no one wants something to happen, but it is better to be prepared and never have to use it than to disappear and leave no trace of you behind, right? It’s about common sense and personal safety; pure and simple.

Meet in Public

When you set up a first meeting make sure it’s in a public place. You don’t want someone coming to pick you up or meeting them at their private residence. I know being picked up could be romantic, but save it for future dates, this one is all about getting to know someone better.

Being in public gives you some security and having your own transportation means that if things go south you have a way home and aren’t relying on someone else. Besides, public places generally have better food choices, beverages to enjoy and a conversational atmosphere. That’s what gives first dates a good or bad vibe.

Set Up a Safe Call

A safe call is much like that friend who knows you are out on a blind date. You give them all the information you have collected on the person and then set up a call for a set time. Depending on your comfort level with the Dominant this call could happen during the date or immediately after it is supposed to end. Anyone can be a safe call person as long as they are available to call you or receive calls during the date. Many local munch groups have a safe call network in place.

This call is just a check in call. You can treat it any way you want. Some people have a code that they only answer yes or no questions and that gives the person on the other end a clue as to how things are doing and if you are in any danger. Others have specific phrases they use to clue the caller in to what is going on. You don’t have to be so cryptic if you don’t want to. It’s completely up to you.

A respectful Dominant should allow you to answer your phone during a first meeting. Those that don’t should be warning to you and you should try to find a way out of the date. I know some Dominants that insist you have a safe call in place before meeting them, just to give you some sense of security in a tense situation. Never turn down the request for a safe call.

Do Not Play

Unless you want to develop a reputation for recklessness abandon, then do not play on the first date! Get to know the person better face to face, see if there is chemistry there and then you can schedule play dates. If you feel you are being pressured to play, call your safe call and/or leave. You should not have to get intimate with someone you have only talked to online or by phone.

I certainly would never even begin online discussions about a possible relationship until I’d met, and maybe even played with someone.

So, for me, the amount of time to “wait” was always the bare minimum it took to determine whether there were any dealbreaking red flags, I establish actual compatibility in person.

Thoughts to Ponder
How long do you wait to meet someone who you’ve found through online dating?
Other than what’s listed here, why do you think it’s important to meet someone face to face before continuing the get to know you stage?
In what situations would you allow for a longer time period before meeting?
Interesting Links
The Science of Dating: why we should stop dating online
I Met My Spouse Online: 9 Online Dating Lessons I Learned the Hard Way
Online dating tipping point: When should you meet in person?
Related Posts:
BDSM Basics – What Your First Date Might Look Like
The Top 5 Tips for Vetting a Potential Dominant Partner
How to Tell When That Online Training Dom is a Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing
Where All The Dominants Are and How to Find Them
What Does a Dom Mean When He Says, “You Need Training”

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Published on August 15, 2016 07:00

August 12, 2016

Submissive Myths: Submission is a Result of Childhood Abuse

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

If a human being at some point in their childhood becomes the focus of physical and/or sexual abuse does this then turn them into a submissive at some later point in their lives?

There would appear to be lots of things which would support this theory and it is abundantly clear that a strong majority of people who eventually end up within the D/s or BDSM lifestyle as submissives have significant and sometimes long term experiences with many forms of abuse including physical and sexual abuse. Does this mean that the abuse ‘creates’ the submissive? To assume this would mean that you would first have to assume that being submissive is some kind of scarring process of the psyche. That submission itself is a form of damage or a surface expression of existing damage. If this theory is true then all people who express themselves as submissives then must come from a life that included this type of abuse. However, though a majority of people within the community have experiences of abuse in their background not all of them experienced abuse prior to ‘finding’ themselves within the lifestyle.

In addition, many submissives and Dominants can easily remember thoughts and ideas of an unusual or exciting to them nature often from very early childhood. These may be memories of extreme pleasure during a cops and robbers game where the individual found themselves tied up as part of the ‘game’. Often these early childhood memories pre-date initial sexual experiences which would appear to suggest that the individual had an interest prior to being aware of any ‘sexual’ implications or overtones to the activities themselves.

In actuality it is far more likely that a submissives ‘nature’ is formed at exactly the same moment that their eye color is selected or at that precise moment when the DNA of a male and female combine to create a new human life. When you look at the problem of abuse and the submissive from a reverse perspective it becomes possible and even probable that a submissives underlying nature and built in responses make them more ‘vulnerable’ to becoming involved with and in situations of abuse. Many abusers are from what could be called ‘failed dominant models’. Often the abuser will manifest certain aspects of dominant behavior. These are the ‘dominants’ who never quite make it, they are unsuccessful by the standards of the society in which they live or exist. These dominants often carry and project some of the actions and behaviors of all dominants. These manifestations, actions or behaviors can and do trigger a submissive into varying types of actions.

It is a fundamental part of a submissives nature to be able to orient, focus and block out divergent information. In childhood a juvenile submissive will often lock ‘onto’ an individual with a strong presence whom they see daily. This may be a family member, a teacher, a next door neighbor etc. They will ‘feel’ sweeping adoration for that person. That person will appear to ‘block out’ the sun, the moon and the stars. This makes the juvenile submissive willing to do almost anything to please this person they worship. The ‘idea’ of losing face before this person terrifies them and often they will present themselves in an exemplary way so as not to lose that persons regard or respect. The juvenile submissive will also make strong attempts to be near the individual they ‘worship’.

Unfortunately, the selection process which triggers this action on the part of the juvenile submissive is not always based on merit but is almost always based on instinctive triggers, emotional ‘feeling’ or belief not based in evidence. The juvenile submissive may ‘adore’ an adult and shower upon that adult devotional admiration the likes of which that adult has possibly never seen or experienced before. Some adults have no experience in managing this new kind of ‘relationship’ and the adult may find this attention exciting and attractive. It is part of human nature to enjoy the attention. The juvenile submissives actions may act like inflammatory triggers inside of the adult causing or summoning an avalanche of ‘feeling’ that the adult has no information or understanding of how to deal with. This may trigger a ‘reaction’. A point where the adult who may be at a moment of ‘weakness’ acts without reasoned forethought and subsequently violates the submissive. Often the adult will later ‘berate’ or openly accuse the juvenile submissive of causing this action. Within the confusion of their mind, they know the submissive wanted their attention, loved, adored and in some way asked for something.

This violation will often ‘shatter’ the submissive. The ‘person’ has fundamentally misunderstood the submissive, the purity of their belief in them, grossly profaned the gift…the offering.

The adult will often be horrified by what they have done and in ways unable to face this new disgusting or revolting image of themselves as a molester, abuser or destroyer. They reason that the ‘submissive’ must be bad. Wrong. Evil. It is at this point that the juvenile may be ‘punished’ for ‘making’ or ‘causing’ the adult to fail. This cycle often escalates and intensifies with the juvenile submissive feeling caught or trapped by their own nature. They may both love and detest the object of their adoration. A part of them cannot turn ‘off’ their adoring response and eventually the submissive may decide that their abuser is correct and that ‘they’ have brought this on themselves. This confusion of feeling and self hating response tends to cycle through the submissive’s life until, if and when they begin to fully understand themselves and how they as a unique individual work. (I must note here that the juvenile OR adult submissive is never responsible for the actions of others. We as individuals are always solely responsible for our own actions.)

A submissive who enters the D/s lifestyle has already begun to make active choices and decisions on how to manage, live with and even perhaps, hopefully and maybe for the very first time enjoy the strangeness of their own perfection.

And it is perfection. Submission is not damage or scarring. It is an ability to offer complete inspired devotion and belief. That ability viewed in other ways is the power that creates nations, builds religions and inspires creation itself.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

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Published on August 12, 2016 07:00

August 11, 2016

Weekend Giveaway: Six Months of Paid Membership – FetLife Support (1 Winner)

The largest kinky social network, FetLife, is in on the giveaway action this week! If you are a member of FetLife you know there is a paid supporter system that gives you a few perks. I use it for my own account to trim my home feed by gagging people that post a ton of images, or likes on images that clog up my feed. I enjoy the extended Kinky and Popular exploration page as well as the video access. Now, with this week’s giveaway, you can get these perks too! This weekend, enter to win a 6 month paid membership to FetLife! If you already have a paid membership, they’ll tack it on to the end of your current paid period. Sorry guys, but if you have a lifetime support membership, you can’t win this one.

Here’s what you’ll get if you win!

A sexy I Support

FetLife badge on your profile.
Perv today’s 25,900+ most loved pics, vids, and posts.
Watch all 263,000+ videos shared by the community.
Perv all 25,947,100+ pictures as they are shared.
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Do you love FetLife? Follow them on Twitter and Facebook!

Would you like to win six months of paid membership on FetLife? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, August 14th at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

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Published on August 11, 2016 07:00

August 9, 2016

Fear in Submission

I don’t know what it is, or why, but recently, I’ve been seeing a lot about fear. In a regular email newsletter I get, I came across a quote by Jack Canfield “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” and seeing that hit me like a ton of bricks. Then, a few months ago, Mrs. Darling started one of her weekly discussions in the Submissive Guide Fetlife group about fear in submission (it’s a really great discussion and if you haven’t checked it out, I highly recommend that you do!), and then in February’s newsletter, lunaKM touched on the topic of fear as well. This is a topic that I’ve been wanting to write about for awhile, but wasn’t sure about it, but with all these signs from the universe, I felt it was time to sit down and do some writing.

Fear is an extremely strong emotion. It is also quite powerful as well. While we’re at it, fear is probably one of the most unpleasant of emotions. Well, maybe not. I’m one of those people who love watching horror movies and going to haunted houses to have the bejezus scared out of me. But then again, that kind of fear isn’t so bad because it’s in a rather controlled environment and deep down I know there’s no real threat. I don’t know too many people who like to be scared in a non controlled environment, like in real life. Fear can be good, because it makes us take a moment and stop and think about what we’re about to do, especially when that thing we’re about to do is stepping out of our comfort zone. Making the decision to submit, is definitely one of those decisions. No matter how much we really want to submit, it’s not an easy decision to make.

When you finally make the decision to submit, there’s a lot of decisions to be made, a lot of major decisions. Not only do you have to decide just how much control you’re willing to give up to your partner, but living situations, job situations, and the combining two or more schedules. Not to mention the decision deciding how open to be with family and close friends about the true nature of your relationship or how to deal with these people if they accidentally find out. These all are extremely fear inducing situations, and because of the fear, it stops a lot of people from making these kinds of choices.

While having to move to a new area and start over from scratch is always scary, in my opinion, making the decision to submit to another is even scarier. Both men and women a like are taught by society that it’s wrong to submit, that it’s a sign of weakness, that we don’t need someone to take care of us or tell us what to do. It’s hard to fight against those societal norms that are engrained into our heads ever since we were old enough to start hearing them. It’s terrifying to give up control because we spend so much time learning how to be independent, to stand on our two feet. To all of a sudden have someone deciding just how much coffee you can consume and how you’re dressing is a huge change. On one hand, we as s-types want this. We have that burning desire to give up control and to hear that ‘good girl’ when we’ve pleased our owners. But on the other hand, we fight against this. We have these internal dialogues and conflicts with ourselves thinking there was nothing wrong with how much coffee I was drinking or nothing wrong with picking out my own clothes. We want to lash out and fight against our owners. For me anyways, when that happens, that’s the fear speaking up. The fear of losing the person we are. That instead of being our own individual, that we’ll become some mindless drone like version of ourselves. That we’ll lose our voice, our thoughts, our opinions. While yes, in an abusive relationship, those kinds of things happen; but in a consensual power exchange relationship, that doesn’t happen. Yes, our owners shape us to what they want us to be, but they do so without taking away our individuality.

When we give into that fear, allow fear to hold us back, we stop ourselves from being the people we can really be. Fear stops us from being the submissive or slave we know we can be. Trying a new kink or even being accepting of other people’s kink(we can all watch the news and see how easily fear of something or someone different breeds hatred), learning a new skill, breaking an old habit(we all know how much people fear change, even if it’s for the best), and anything else we face in life.

Four years ago, I had a decision to make. I wanted to be with Daddy, but for that to happen, I would have to move halfway across the world, leaving behind the majority of my stuff (I can’t even put into words how difficult it was to leave behind my books and stuffies!), my family and friends, and the culture I grew up in. Not to mention, having zero idea of what to expect once I arrived in Germany. But I knew if I stayed in the comfort of my bubble and gave into the fear I was feeling, that I wouldn’t be able to serve the man I wanted to, to the fullest of my abilities. Yes, we could have done a long distance relationship, but that left both of us unfulfilled and that wasn’t something either one of us really wanted. So, I faced the biggest fear I have ever faced in my life. I put myself in a situation where I was 100% dependent upon Him for everything, including speaking for me. I can’t tell you how scared I was. Never in my life had I ever been that dependent upon anyone in my adult life. I knew even back then, that if I didn’t make that decision to face my fears and move, I would never be happy and with the man I love and chose to submit to.

Submitting is scary because of all the unknowns and changes. All those unknowns and changes breeds fear. Facing and dealing with fear are not easy things to do, and things we as humans try really hard to avoid doing. Ultimately, looking your fears in the face and going after what you want, is totally worth it in the end.

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Published on August 09, 2016 07:00

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