Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 18

September 28, 2016

Simply Service e-Zine: September 2005

We’re back again this month with another look back at a resource from the past. Remember, much of the content of these newsletters is still relevant today so take some time to read it!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

On to the September edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2005.

Ledgerbook Service by Jezzie, property of Anton
Eulogy for O by slave a
Pantheon of Leather Nominations
From the Editor and Letters
Humidity and Leather Toys – Flirting with Danger by Elegant
Time Management by Mistress Grace
Politely Encouraging Departure or “Go Home, Please” by sazmira
Reader’s Write! August Responses and September’s Question
Are you Experienced? by Kassie
Humility by sweetkahi

September 2005

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 28, 2016 07:00

September 27, 2016

Book Review: Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/Slave Relationships

Ever since reading Real Service by Raven Kaldera, I’ve been strongly drawn to read more books by him. He’s phenomenal and knows what he’s talking about. I have recommended his books numerous times to others. He’s written about so many various topics, there’s something out there for everyone. Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/Slave Relationships is the third book by him that I’ve read. It’s not really written by Kaldera, but edited by him as it’s a collection of essays written by both masters and slaves who are involved in different types of relationships. Not only did I buy this book because of Kaldera being involved with it, but also because of the topic matter.

There are so many ways to be involved in a Master/slave relationship and for me, it’s extremely interesting to read about the kind of relationships that others are in. With the internet being such a huge place, at times it can be hard to search for what you’re looking for without running into a bunch of porn links. Not to mention if it’s a rather obscure topic, you may not find anything at all. This book is a great starting point to learn about a handful of different kinds of dynamics from people who practice them. Some of the dynamics that are talked about in this book, I had no idea they even existed. While I read about them, it was so easy for me to see how and why these kinds of dynamics fit so easily with a Master/slave dynamic.

One thing I really love in this book is in the introductory essay. The author compares the different types of M/s relationships to that of a salt shaker. All salt shakers do the same thing, hold and dispense salt, but there’s no one basic type of salt shaker and they’re all made out of various materials and in different styles. To me, that is the best ever analogy for all the different types of M/s dynamics out there.

There are essays about those who are in the leather lifestyle, a wonderful essay by Submissive Guide’s own Mrs. Darling about what it’s like living a 1950’s style relationship, as well as Victorian households, Gor, Caregiver/little dynamic, spiritual discipline, as well as several others and few that don’t fit into any of the book’s categories.

Like with most nonfiction ebooks I read, I found myself highlighting several passages and taking screenshots of quotes that I want to have easily at my fingertips. I was fully engrossed in every essay and learned quite a bit about these different dynamics from this small glimpse into the lives of the authors. It was also great to get perspective from both dominants and the s-types, with several of the essays being co-written by both partners. If you’re wanting to learn more about different types of M/s dynamics that are out there(and those that are out there aren’t just limited to those that are mentioned in this book), I couldn’t recommend a better book. This is also a great way to see what things you and your partner may want in your own power exchange relationship.

You can buy a copy of Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/Slave Relationships both in paperback and ebook form on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and on Alfred Press.

Book Information:

Tequila R’s Rating: 10/10
Paperback: 272 Pages
Publisher: Alfred Press
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0982879490
ISBN-13: 978-0982879498

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Published on September 27, 2016 07:00

September 26, 2016

7 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was New to BDSM

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 6-25-16

As a slave (who used to identify as a submissive, who used to identify as a masochist bottom) I was new at one time (yes really!!). When I came into the lifestyle I was all wide eyes, excitement and healthy dose of caution just days after learning that there was a word for the kinky stuff in my head. It was a very overwhelming time because I wanted to do everything and explore this new world right away. Now wasn’t fast enough.

Thankfully I had a wake up call by the name of a kind Dominant online that told me to take it easy and learn about this from the sidelines first before I jumped headfirst into the shallow end of the pool.

I’ll never be able to thank him enough for that bit of advice. It’s advice I try to tell every submissive, no matter your age or experience level. There is always time for a bit of education and knowledge before exploration. It can keep you safe, it can make you more aware, it can keep you safe and it can be fun.

To start, this isn’t going to be an all encompassing primer about BDSM. There is far too much information for me to lay it out for you. What I hope to do is give you a practical knowledge to work from so that as you explore you will at least have the tools necessary to continue learning with confidence.

If you’d like a more detailed primer, might I suggest these books?

What is BDSM? What does it stand for?

There are so many primers out there about BDSM I’m not sure if another one is really needed. Then again with all the basic questions asked on forums and chat rooms about BDSM it’s likely that my words will be read by someone and that they will take something new from them.

BDSM is an umbrella term for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism. Each of these words on their own is a giant term with a lot of other vocabulary under them. Basically anything kinky will fall under one of these terms. It’s always good to have a working lexicon of the terms often used by the people who engage in BDSM and if you don’t understand a word, you should look it up. You don’t have to know all of the vocabulary to practice BDSM but if you are really curious there are BDSM dictionaries all over the web.

On top of knowing some of the words comes learning some of the expectations and experiences you can have in the BDSM Lifestyle. Becoming a submissive in a D/s dynamic is just like any other relationship with one very important difference. The roles are set, not fluid like a regular relationship. A dominant and submissive never switch roles (unless in agreed upon circumstances) and the relationship continues strongly as this dynamic. People can be into kinky play and only engage in their roles in the bedroom or they can be in control of their chosen role throughout their lives.

Neither is greater or less valuable to BDSM. What one chooses to do within their relationship is personal and unique. Liking other people’s kinks is not required, but accepting them is looked favorably on. There are many things that I would never entertain as pleasurable or enjoyable but I can appreciate someone’s desire to do them for those reasons.

Not everyone you meet that is into BDSM wants to be part of a community. You can’t make someone come out into BDSM public and say they are kinky. BDSM is still in the closet for most folks and that’s okay with them. Those who want to be a part of the community you bring with you a wonderful amount of experience and personal knowledge that everyone, including new people, can learn from.

Is It a Lifestyle?

BDSM is a Lifestyle for me. I live it all the time, it’s who I am. This is not the case with over half of the known BDSM population. The range of participation varies greatly. I can’t say that I know exact numbers, but I know that out of 10 kinky people I could meet in a room, 7 of them probably do not identify as Lifestyle BDSMers. That’s fine with me, we can still chat kink and not get all uncomfortable because we aren’t EXACTLY alike, right?

There are many different roles you can be in BDSM as well, from Top, Dominant or Master to bottom, submissive and slave. There are also variations on these roles as well depending on the type of dynamic you want. You could be in a Daddy/little girl or Mommy/little boy dynamic. You could be in a Poly Master/slave household where you are the alpha. You could just be kinky and love the fun stuff in the bedroom. It’s all available to you.

What’s the Big Deal?

BDSM is a big deal to those that have anything to do with it because it turns them on in some way; sexually, intellectually, emotionally or all of the above. BDSM is not always sex driven, but it can be. Some of us consider it almost a sexual orientation; I’ve recently been of the volition that sexual orientation can not only describe your gender specific sexual identity but also the differences in how you enjoy sex.

For example, someone with an extreme but healthy fetish would have that fetish as a requirement for sex, just as being heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual is an identifier for each person. For someone such as myself, sex isn’t fulfilling if it does not have any elements of power exchange or SM. I do not get the same enjoyment from regular sex than I do with Power sex. This is not to say that I can’t have regular sex, it’s just my preference is Power Exchange and SM.

With the mainstream sensation of 50 Shades of Grey, even more people are bringing D/s role play and BDSM into their bedrooms. With this influx of people it’s an important distinction that for many people BDSM is just a casual play experience, while others will apply D/s and kink to some or all of their lives and relationships. BDSM is changing people and providing avenues of expression that people may have never known before.

Am I Normal?

Yes, very much so. One of the first questions a new submissive asks themselves is are they normal for desiring the things they do. This could be kinky sex, humiliation or service. Anything that appears to fall outside the vanilla umbrella can cause a novice to question if they are normal. This in fact, is normal.

Everyone questions themselves at one time or another. I’ve questioned myself many times. Each time I come out with a better understanding of myself and what I want in life. There is no reason to be afraid of new and different things. You may find that these things are worth your attention and could fulfill you in ways you never though possible.

For example, even if you never thought you’d explore bondage you one day had the desire to see what it was all about. There is nothing wrong with trying it out to see what feelings and sensations there were. If you find you love it, then that’s just one more thing to learn all you can about and have fun with it. If you find there isn’t really a strong pull towards it you can chalk it on the no thank you list. Either way, it’s normal and human to explore things that are different and foreign.

What about things that could be dangerous or involve risks? Does this mean you are a risky person? Not really. Everything you do has risks, even driving to the corner store could end in a deadly accident. Just because there are risks involved doesn’t mean you should shelter your desires.

So what is normal? How can it be defined in a BDSM context? Not very easily, in fact. Normal is different for each person. Everyone’s idea of normal fluctuates and changes during their lives. So your idea of normal now won’t be the same 5 years or even 5 months from now.

The uncomfortable feelings you experience when everything is still brand new have nothing to do with normalcy but with acceptance. When you accept your feelings as normal then you will feel normal. Thousands of people all over the world are exploring new and exciting things all the time. Join the fun!

Yes, you should try new things. But not everything is going to be for you.

One of our human strengths is that we love to try new things. As a novice submissive you are probably very afraid to venture out of your bubble and try something that for the longest time has seem terrifying and still exciting. I want to encourage you to try everything you are interested at least once. Twice if you are not sure of your first response to it.

It is okay if you find that something doesn’t do it for you. It’s okay if you change your mind. And it’s okay if someone else likes it but you don’t. The key to exploration is to do so with an open mind and accept whatever response you get.

For example, if you’ve had fantasies of being tied up in rope and made to orgasm over and over again but the real experience fell flat of your expectations you have a few choices.

You can decide that it was hotter in fantasy but you are very glad that you tried it. You won’t be doing it again any time soon.

You can figure out that it was the person, situation or time frame that affected your response to playing out your fantasy and you want to try it again when things are more favorable.

You can decide that once was enough, now where is the next fantasy!

There are kinks that you will encounter that offend, repulse or just make you feel oogy. These are things that drive other people wild, but that doesn’t mean you have to try them. You don’t even have to watch them. But you do have to accept that other people can and will participate in kinky activities that you don’t like.

Keep an open mind.

Yes, you can do that. Yes, others will have issues with it. No, they don’t matter.

I said above that you may encounter kinky activities that may offend you or make wonder why anyone would find that exciting. But it could also be that you have an unusual or particularly unique kink that few others share. You may find people don’t like that kink and will be very vocal about why.

Don’t let that bother you. I know that sounds easier said than done, but learn to have a thick skin because there will be people who have closed minds and find that their brand of kink is the only way and anyone who says or does differently is wrong. The truth is that they don’t matter to you.

What matters is how you explore life and how you feel about your place in BDSM. Your confidence is sexy and knowing your preferences, no matter how others feel about them is powerful. Consider it this way; what harm is it to you what they think about something you find to be enjoyable or the right way for you to do something? How will it affect you once they turn around and walk away?

Probably very little. Embrace who you are.

Yes, you should explore your fantasies. But recognize that not all fantasies translate easily to real life.

I’ve touched on this a bit above, but not all fantasies work well in practice and some shouldn’t ever leave the realm of your dreams. The reason this is, will probably not escape you. There are safety risks or expectations that just won’t work in real life. Say for example you have a fantasy to experience a stress position that is known to kill people or a real torture tactic like water-boarding. The safety in these situations is far above SSC, RACK or any other safety limitations that others may have. Similarly there are fantasies that violate the law or moral code, such as pedophilia or animal cruelty that really should remain a part of fantasy.

With that said, you can simulate a lot of things to experience something like your fantasy without harm and well within the realm of safety. I heard a story of someone who wanted to experience necrophilia with their partner (without actual death). To make this fantasy “real” the female partner went into a private cemetery at night and laid down over a grave for over an hour, getting chilled from the cold ground and frosty air. Then, at the agreed time, the man would explore the cemetery and discover her “dead” body and ravage her cold limp body. From the smiles on their faces it appears it was a fantastic time for both.

Be creative and innovative with your fantasies to see if you can enact something that will give you the sensation of the fantasy without doing anything you may regret later.

Yes, there are other people who share your kink. But please don’t assume that the first person you find is The One for you.

Just because a person also loves having sex while rolling in jell-o does not mean they are compatible with you.

That’s right, I just said it. You’ve searched the world over for someone interested in the same kinky things you are and when you found one, I’m telling you to hold it right there a moment and think. You remember thinking, right? That mind function you had before all common sense fled and you were suddenly in a frenzy over finding someone who shared the same kinks as you and now you just had to have it? Yeah, that.

Ok, okay, so there are two scenarios here. You want a casual fling with someone and to experience a kink or fantasy that you have only found one other person that’s into. Fine, go rock your world. There’s really no need for further compatibility if that’s all you are looking for.

But if you want a relationship with someone that enjoys a particular kink so that you can experience it again and again, as well as the dynamics a relationship can bring, read on.

Realistically, do you think you are completely compatible with someone that you know just one thing about? It’s like a lottery number, likelihood is that you’ll not win. So, before the roll in jello, unless that’s all you are interested in, talk to the person.

A relationship isn’t about one specific fantasy fulfilled, it’s about being each others dreams realized. Even if you’ve looked for someone for months or years and this is the first person who has said, yes I love that kink, if you aren’t relationship compatible then that really means nothing. The scope is larger than that.

This goes for submissives brand new to submission or BDSM. The first Dominant you meet is not necessarily your dream Dom. Do not submit to anyone until you know them forwards and backwards and are sure you are compatible with them. Date them, regularly date them. Develop a relationship with them before adding kink.

If after a time of your choosing you decide that this person could really be your dream Dominant, then go for it. My best wishes to you.

Thoughts to Ponder
If you are new to BDSM, what questions do you have that are yet to be answered?
If you have BDSM experience, what advice would you give someone that was new?
Interesting Links
BDSM? What’s That?
A Loving Introduction to BDSM
Related Posts:
How to Safely Manage Sub Frenzy
Single Submissives Need Personal Responsibility
How Do I Know What I Like? I’m Brand New
Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner: Part 3- My Partner is Interested!
All Female Submissives are Bisexual and Other BDSM Myths

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Published on September 26, 2016 07:00

September 23, 2016

Why BDSM and Tantric Massage Are a Match Made in Heaven

Anyone who has experienced BDSM or tantric massage will know the amount of pleasure it brings. I first dabbled with erotica in my teens and since then, my sexual journey has led me down the path of extreme bliss. The fusing of BDSM and tantric massage has taken sexual energy to greater heights, and for many, it’s an experience that’s more satisfying than anything encountered before. Dark tantra will always be one of my favourite sexual experiences and here’s why the combination of BDSM and tantric massage is a match made in erotic heaven.

My beginnings with sexual exploration

At 19, I had my first liaison with tantric massage. The mind blowing orgasm and intense stimulation I felt during that experience in India had me addicted from the very first tingle. As I travelled throughout the region, I explored the sensational feelings of climax, aroused by the sensation of these new methods of pleasuring as well as feeling ultimate contentment.

Tantric massage has given me some of the most incredible orgasms of my life and led me to discover one of the most heavenly sexual experiences – the combination of tantric massage and BDSM or dark tantra.

The power of dark tantra

‘My captor’s finger caressed my clit and the ropes frayed around my wrists. The clamps tightened on my nipples as I came to climax, the tiny beads of sweat on my breasts slowly dripping down my body. A breathless scream emerged and I trembled in ecstasy as I reached orgasm.’

My first dark tantra experience elevated my senses to new extremes and since then, my mind has been opened to sensational sexual adventures. For me, the connection I have with others on a sexual level has been boosted. But, more so, it’s the practice of BDSM that has awakened my inner desires.

Why BDSM and tantric massage has fulfilled my sexual desires

Learning a new pleasurable skill or engaging in a stimulating activity is extremely exciting. I adore the fusion of BDSM and tantric massage encompassing varying acts, designed to indulge the fantasies of both dom and sub.

I’m incredibly enthralled by the acts involved in dark tantra and how these satisfy the needs of the parties involved. The dom having control and my position as a sub deeply treats both my body and mind. The powerless position is one I find extremely satisfying; having someone in control of when I reach orgasm is unbelievably astounding. Sometimes, all I need to unwind is to be tied to my bed while being spanked hard as I reach climax.

Why BDSM is great for those who enjoy tantric massage

Anyone who’s tried tantric massage will enjoy the adventurous nature of BDSM. Both activities share common traits;

Both offer a sense of control in prolonging orgasm.
Tantric massage allows both parties to create a raw erotic connection, providing orgasm to be reached after the most intense pleasurable body to body contact.
In BDSM, the roles of dominant and submissive provide a power struggle that creates sexual energy, leading to a climax.

The fusing of BDSM and tantric massage or dark tantra combines sexual acts, including some of my favourites;

Voyeurism
Whipping
Watersports
Leather and latex
Bondage

Dark tantra allows you to break your own boundaries, giving sexual freedom and enlightenment. Being completely open to trying new things is what makes dark tantra so enjoyable. Being able to experience my fetishes is another advantage of this practice and is what keeps me coming back for more. Being able to relish sexual fantasies with a partner ultimately creates a deeper connection and helps to keep both parties relaxed.

Being open to sexual exploration

Imagine being completely naked, except for a rope that binds your hands together above your head and a dark mask covering your eyes. You only see black. You hear the slight movement of the whip, the sharp pain as it slams into your body is followed by an instant release of gratification. The movements of the vibrator on your clit almost brings you to climax. The vibrator is removed, gradually teasing you as the pleasure builds like a volcano about to erupt. You’re commanded to orgasm on demand as the pulsating vibrations begin again. You’re on the verge of exploding when a sharp spank reminds you your dominant is in control.

BDSM and tantric massage will take your sex life to a new dimension and it’s a practice I would recommend to anyone seeking an erotic adventure.

About the Author

Erica Suarez-Hillingdon is a writer and an expert in the art of tantra and tantric sex with many years’ experience helping men, women and couples achieve sexual freedom. She is currently the editor at Karma Tantric a tantric massage agency in London which provides various erotic body-to-body massage experiences including dark tantra BDSM massages.

You can follow Erica on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram for more of her articles.

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Published on September 23, 2016 07:00

September 22, 2016

Win a Complete Set of Vondage Gear and Celebrate Back to School Season!

Monday I reviewed the new vegan bondage gear from The Stockroom and now is your chance to win the entire set for yourself! That’s right, the entire line of Vondage gear could be yours! Over $200 worth or gear is in this giveaway and is open INTERNATIONALLY.

If you missed Monday’s review, Vondage is the premier vegan bondage gear of Stockroom.com. It feels like leather and has the durability of leather but not manufactured with animal products! It’s some of the loveliest gear I’ve seen in awhile. Let me share with you what’s in the prize package.

The Prize

Locking/Buckling Wrist Cuffs - The cuffs are 2″ wide and will fit wrists measuring 5½” to 8″ around. Includes nickel-plated D-rings and locking buckles.

Locking/Buckling Ankle Cuffs - The cuffs are 2½” wide and fit ankles from 6″ to 12½” with nickel-plated D-rings and locking buckles.

Locking/Buckling Collar - Fits 15″ – 20″ neck.

Polyfleece-lined Blindfold - Elastic tie.

Hogtie - Four nickel-plated ring clasps.

Chain Leash w/Handle - 3-foot nickel-plated chain and loop handle.

Giveaway Rules:

Must be 18 or older to enter.
Submissive Guide contributors and their immediate families are ineligible to enter.
Prize – There is one (1) prize consisting of the entire Vondage Bondage Gear line as of September 13th, 2016. Approximate retail value of the Prize is $202 USD.
On or after October 10th, 2016, a random draw for the Prize will take place from among all eligible entries received during the Contest Period. The first entry drawn will be eligible to win the Prize. The odds of winning the Prize will depend upon the total number of eligible entries received during the Contest Period. In order to be declared the winner, the potential winner must also respond within 4 days to my congratulatory email or a new winner will be drawn.
Would you like to win a complete set of Vondage Gear? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, October 9th, 2016 at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post by October 25th, 2016.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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Published on September 22, 2016 07:00

September 21, 2016

Ask Anything: Handling the Vanilla Side of Things

Dear Submissive Guide,

So, I am totally a newbie. I do have a Master but due to our personal/vanilla lives, it is limited & very part-time. My Master has not participated in the lifestyle for 12 years. My question is do you have any info on transitioning from submissive side back to my vanilla? We also see each other in our vanilla lives frequently, so how should we handle that?

Thanks,
Not-So-Vanilla

Dear Not-So-Vanilla,

Ahhh, the vanilla life. It isn’t always easy to get back into the swing of things when you’ve had some kinky fun. Moving between D/s and vanilla isn’t always easy, whether you’re doing things part-time or on a regular basis.

My advice would be to create a transitional routine.

When people, especially submissives, need to transition from their vanilla life (work, kids, family, etc.) and spend time with their partner, it can be difficult to shut off that part of our mind. Personally, I forget to speak in a respectful tone with my Dominant until I’m in the submissive frame of mind. Some people put on their collar, dress a certain way, do a specific task or series of tasks, take a picture specifically for their Dominant, and any number of other things. This helps them feel their most submissive self.

In this case, you need something to do the opposite, get you back into your vanilla mode. Depending on the routines and habits you and your partner have, it could be as simple as taking off your collar, doing a specific activity when you get home, listening to a song, or having a very vanilla conversation. The method that will work best for you is going to be individual to your life. For me, nothing gets me back into a vanilla frame of mind quicker than dealing with my children or thinking about work.

As for how to handle those moments when you encounter each other in a vanilla space, that will be determined on what kind of relationship status you have.

Are you known for being friends or colleagues in your vanilla life? If so, treat each other the way you’d treat any other vanilla friend or colleague in public. I always advocate being respectful as a submissive to your Dominant, regardless of the situation, so I wouldn’t use the vanilla moment to show anger, rudeness, or even defiance just because there’s nothing your partner can do in the moment. In my experience, Dominants never forget, and you’ll have to deal with it later.

Are you in a situation where no one can know that you even know each other? I can imagine that would be very awkward and difficult. This is where the art of small talk comes in. Asking someone how they’re doing, what they think of the meeting/lunch/speaker or whatever, and anything else common to the situation is always safe.

No matter what situation you’re in, treat him with respect, although deference may be something that would raise eyebrows, and be friendly. Those two traits are good for any interaction with other people, and it won’t matter whether he’s your Master or someone you just met. Of course, if you like a little thrill and can find a moment to escape the crowd and get a little kinky, there’s nothing wrong with that, either.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on September 21, 2016 07:00

September 20, 2016

Submissive Journals: Bullet/Analogue Journal Review

My Dom and I have been living together in 3-6 month increments for the last two years now, and over that time, we’ve developed/are developing a bit of a routine which centers predominantly on my taking up a housewife/secretarial role in our relationship. I’m in charge of the majority of domestic tasks, including the organization of important documents, scheduling and keeping track of appointments and important dates—the works. It’s a weird branch of all of the planning aspects of my job as a teacher (without the chaos of students and Parent Teacher Conferences), and I enjoy it tremendously, but keeping organized, and most importantly feeling organized, is a pretty big challenge when you’re organizing your own life, let alone your partner’s and the rest of your family.

There are tons of ways to organize things whether digitally, in hard copies, or in a combination of the aforementioned. I’ve tried everything from full-on digital absorption to completely out of cyberspace and onto old fashioned note paper, but I generally end up feeling like I’m in a state of barely controlled chaos rather than well organized. Now that I’m more settled, I’ve been desperate to try my hand at this bullet journaling method that everyone and her grandma on Youtube is talking about. (lunaKM included!)

Having been teetering on the precipice of doing the journal “properly” for the last year or so, I wanted to do a review of the method specifically for how useful it is for certain types of submission. That said, I want to say up front about the fact that I have only just started keeping my bullet journal the “correct” way, so I’m definitely wearing some rose-tinted glasses at this point regarding the pros and cons. Regardless, I have done my best to identify some potential problems for you, for the sake of being fair.

What is Analog/Bullet Journaling?

Developed by Ryder Carroll, the idea of analog/bullet journaling is kind of elegant in its simplicity. You have one notebook. Everything goes in that notebook. You divide everything in your life by collections: table of contents/index, future log, monthly log, daily log (these are the minimum Carroll suggests, but I obviously added meal plans, groceries, and various bits that fit my needs). It uses symbols and short phrases to create a concise, powerful method of organization, and it’s designed to help you prioritize everything you have to do, in a single location, with minimal effort.

Bullet Journals are great if you:

love the sensation of writing things down, but hate the idea of permanency that it implies
want a record of everything that you do in one location, making it easy to find
like the security of not having your information floating in cyberspace, but love the organizational power of computers
are looking for the catharsis of creating/colouring while still feeling productive
have a love affair with pens
lunaKM adds: want the flexibility that regular planners lack

You might struggle if you:

are a perfectionist and always want things to look “just so”
have a tendency to get off task easily
don’t want the task of carrying a notebook around with you wherever you go
don’t keep track of daily tasks

After wandering off to the official Bullet Journal website, I hit youtube for some additional ideas of what I wanted to put in my journal, and I did see some potential problems with the method, so I’m going to list them first as I think recognizing them from the start helped me avoid making some mistakes:

Time Management – Right away, my biggest challenge with keeping a bullet journal is time management. If you check out Carroll’s website you’ll notice that the efficiency of the bullet journal comes from the brevity of the entries and the simplicity of the page set up. However, a quick search on Youtube will yield hundreds of video featuring young wives and moms tapping into their inner arts & crafts nut. The journals that these women walk you through are an intense, vibrant visual cacophony that speaks of hours of set up. Hours. Of set up.

I’ll admit to being a pretty creative person. I do all sorts of weird artsy stuff to fill the time, so I am definitely not judging the people who produce journals that honestly just need to be framed and used as wall decorations because they’re so fabulous looking. It’s going to be fiercely difficult not to get carried away and try to emulate all of those fantastic examples on Youtube—not because it’s the “wrong way” to journal, but because organizing my day needs to be a quick task that I can do either the night before or in the morning so that my Dom can sign off on stuff before she goes to work. It’s also important that keeping the journal doesn’t take time out of doing the tasks themselves.

Pressure for Perfection – The first thing that I did when I set up my journal was to immediately decide to wait until the new month to start keeping my tasks in it. Then I almost immediately forgot, and wrote something for this month in the journal, which I then had to cross out! It was pretty heart-breaking, and it took a lot of effort not to contemplate ripping the entire page out of my journal and starting the spread for the monthly outlook over. The thing is that doing that would have completely killed my numbering system, and I would have lost the page on the back of the one I messed up. Also: I had already designated the next four pages for something, so I’d have had to put my month outlook after my day-by-day breakdowns. All of that said, I decided I had to live with my mistake (and my cross-out).

Because I’m consciously using my journal as a way to explore and a safe place to make stupid design mistakes, I’m pretty okay with it, but if you’re a perfectionist, and you find that you get really anxious about making sure that things are “just so” and that nothing can be out of place, the bullet journal is going to be really counter-productive for you, and probably going to be a source of anxiety.

Where you go, so too must your journal – Another potential hitch to the method is that it does feel like you have to carry your journal around with you to be effective. When you organize things using the computer (provided that your phone/tablet and computer all have compatible OS and apps), your schedule tends to follow you around. If you’re used to keeping yourself organized through digital applications, the idea of carrying a notebook around with you is probably going to feel silly or like a waste of time.

This isn’t particularly a problem for me because I currently lack a smart-device, and I value the sensation of writing things down more than I do the sensation of typing (especially on a tiny phone keyboard). I also don’t like being the person who has to look for an outlet or free wifi if I want to be out of the house for a prolonged period of time but still wants to make notes and cross things off of my list.

Some Good Points

Bullet journaling is the perfect productive outlet if you love colouring books—especially if you love colouring books and never colour because you feel like it’s a waste of time/money. Since you’re literally organizing your life, it’s much easier to make the justification to buy a journal, nice pens/markers, and to take the time to make something creative and colourful than it is to buy colouring books and markers/crayons.

I recommend that you pick a day at the end of each month (or week) to make one of your daily tasks setting up for next month/week, grab a ton of brightly coloured, pretty pens and markers, and let yourself loose on making the templates for each collection you want. If you aren’t artistic, but you love making things look pretty, there are even some people on Etsy who sell stickers that you can purchase and use. Essentially, it’s the closest to a perfect combination of scrapbooking, colouring, and list making that I have managed to come across.

Another thing that I really love about the journal is that it lends itself really well to creating a meeting point for you and your Dom. I sit next to my Dom every morning or evening, and I make my to-do list for the coming day. She recommends tasks for me to add to it and things for me to keep track of. In turn, as I review what I did for the day prior, I’m reminded of things that I wanted to ask permission for, issues with the house that need sorting out, plans that have come up, or events that need to be scheduled. Sometimes, I do most of the talking and get a, “sounds good” in reply, and sometimes we engage in full discussions about things. I have a household wish list that contains items that I want to purchase for the house, either to keep us organized, or I had to give up my version of the item when I moved to the UK, and my Dom has the ability to review that regularly as well.

In addition to being a common ground and a reminder of certain topics of discussion, the journal itself has the freedom and creativity to be adapted to all types of submission. Need to reflect on a scene, but you aren’t a very wordy person? Make a checklist and separate it into “Liked, loved, let’s do again.” Want to keep track of the toys you and your Dom want to purchase? Create a wish list. Want to list out your interests and limits? Your submissive goals for the month? Your rules?

If you’re into role-playing, the journal can easily be adapted to a colouring book styled journal for a little/babygirl, a bratty high school girl’s diary, stark slave logs, or the domestic housekeeping records and business scheduling of a wife or a secretary. You can be as minimalist as you want, so if you are balancing a job with your submission, you can still keep yourself and your Dom organized with little effort. Likewise, if you’re a 24/7, stay-at-home sub, and you need a way to kill the time, you can spend as much time making your journal pretty.

My favourite part of the journal being physical, and having everything in it, is that it’s really easy for your Dom to pick up your journal and see what you’re spending your time doing during the day, what you’ve accomplished and how you’re spending your down time. Either your journal can live somewhere in the open, or you and your Dom can create a ritual that involves your Dom requesting/demanding custody of the journal in the evenings so that your work can be reviewed.

The same could possibly be accomplished with a computer by sharing files, but there’s something really satisfying to me about having to hand over the journal, or having my Dom pick up and review the journal of her own accord.

As I’ve said, I’m still new to the bullet journaling process, so I’m sure that there are flaws in the method that I have yet to uncover. Right now, my opinion is that it’s an exciting, versatile way to be creative and to keep yourself organized. I’m looking forward to continuing to work on my journal, and of feeling like most, if not all, of my important information, is in one place that I can physically hold and that doesn’t plug into a wall.

If you’re a bullet journalist who has more experience and insight, leave a comment below telling me what you think and what challenges you face. If keep organized in a different way, let me know that, too!

Interested in Bullet Journaling? Check out the quick reference guide made by Tiny Ray of Sunshine.

Until next time,

Kallista

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Published on September 20, 2016 07:00

September 19, 2016

Review: Vondage – Vegan Bondage Gear from Stockroom.com

If you are someone who would rather not use animal products, finding BDSM gear of any sort that gives you the same feel as leather but is conscious of your choices is difficult at best. The Stockroom has presented an answer and I’d have to say they are pretty good! What am I talking about? I’m talking about Vondage, Stockroom’s new Vegan-friendly bondage gear. I was offered the chance to look them over and try them out myself and I jumped at the chance! (Stay tuned for Thursday’s post if you want a chance to try out Vondage for yourself! Subscribe now to get Submissive Guide delivered to your inbox!)

Vondage’s vegan microfiber is firm, stain-resistant, and breathes easily so that players have maximum control for the dominant and maximum comfort for the submissive. The leather alternative gear is available in Stockroom’s classic designs: locking/buckling collar, wrist, and ankle cuffs, chain leash with handle, polyfleece-lined blindfold, and hog-tie. Note if you have a nickel allergy you will want to avoid these items.

Let me tell you a bit about my experience with the pieces I received.

Buckling Cuffs for Wrist and Ankle

The texture of the material that these are made from feel great. It’s really comfortable for long term wear and they look sexy as hell. The straps are a double wrap, in that you wrap them around your limb once before you buckle it. This gives me a sense of security and extra restriction. They are so comfortable that they have become my go to cuffs for my bedtime (overnight) wear. The construction is what I’d expect from all of my Stockroom gear; durable and high quality. These cuffs will hold up to quite a lot of tugging and pulling which is one of my favorite things to do in bondage.

One thing that was a bit annoying is that the strap was extra long and after buckling it I was left with a 4 inch bit of strap with nowhere to tuck it. I tried folding it in half and tucking it under the buckle but it didn’t stay during play. It might also have been more annoying for me because I was using them for long term wear, to sleep in, than for play. You can cut the straps, and I’d suggest doing so if the restraints are only being used for one person, but these are also a convenient thing to use on all of your partners and if they all have different size wrists and ankles you’ll have to adapt. After I trimmed the excess I was very pleased with them and I expect they will get a lot of use for nights to come.

Sizing:

The wrist cuffs are 2″ wide and will fit wrists measuring 5½” to 8″ around. Includes nickel-plated D-rings and a locking buckle.

The ankle cuffs are 2½” wide and fit ankles from 6″ to 12½”. Includes nickel-plated D-rings and a locking buckle.

Price:

Wrist: $31.00 Ankle $51.00

Blindfold

I LOVE this blindfold. For the longest time, I can’t even tell you how long, I have been looking for a comfortable blindfold. I wanted one that didn’t pinch my nose, press too hard on my eyes and didn’t dry out my skin and cause peeling after wearing it and this one fits the bill. The material is lovely, it feels like leather on the outside but is lined with fleece on the inside. It goes on with an elastic band which is great too. Any submissives with long hair can attest, there’s nothing more irritating than getting your hair tangled in a blindfold’s buckle and that can totally ruin a good buzz! Not so with this one as it goes right on, and right off. I was in love from the first moment.

KnyghtMare loves this blindfold as well because it’s easy to put on and he doesn’t have to fiddle with buckles or clasps. He’s made it part of his primary use toy bag. That’s quite the compliment!

I think you’ll like it too!

Price: $29.00

Hog Tie

The hog tie is well built and has 4 sturdy nickel-plated clips so you can go from free to bound in no time flat! If you aren’t into rope this is the perfect solution to the classic hog tie and looks sexy with the Vondage cuffs for a complete look.

I’m not super flexible so we used the hog tie set from the front instead of the traditional behind the back form and it still performed well and gave KnyghtMare all the access he wanted.

Price: $33.00

Safety, Care & Usage of Vondage Gear:

With a damp wash cloth and hand soap, rub down the vegan microfiber material and dry completely. Do not expose the material to excessive heat.

Shipping and Returns

Most orders are shipped within 1-2 business days. Delivery is between 2-7 business days.

Stockroom has an amazing deal on Shipping. If you spend more than $99 you get free shipping in the US! Turn-around time for free shipping is 5-10 business days. Standard rates apply to all other shipping methods offered. Orders must be placed by 2:00 pm PST (Monday-Friday) in order to ensure same day shipping. Free Shipping not available for all locations in Alaska, Hawaii and US territories.

The Stockroom stands behind their products and will work with you to make sure you are satisfied with your order. If you need to return anything, it must first be pre-approved so contact customer service. Go to their website to view the entire return policy.

Interested? Come back on Thursday for your chance to get the entire Vondage Line for free! If you just can’t wait, or don’t like your chances, you can start shopping now.

September 16, 2016

[Video Post] 3 Challenges of Having Rules in a D/s Relationship

In the previous video about rules I talked about how to set up rules in an D/s or M/s relationship and the incorporating them into your relaxed or structured dynamic. Check out the previous video post if you missed it.

Today I want to talk abut after rules are selected and you are practicing them or have had them for a long time. More specifically, three challenges that come about when you are using rules in your relationship. These three are simply the more common issues, not the only ones. So, let’s get to them.

Too Many Rules

There is such a thing as implementing too many rules. You could argue that I have a lot of rules and this challenge doesn’t matter, but I didn’t start out with as many rules as I currently have. I think my first rule list has 10 rules on it. There’s some excitement to the beginning of a relationship and when you first want to establish rules it can get crazy with all the things you’d like to try by lumping them all together. The issue for submissives is to remember and then adjust to all the new rules. The issue for Dominants is remembering all the rules that are newly established so that they can be enforced. Adding rules shouldn’t be hard work without payoff. If it’s not enhancing your dynamic then it’s not useful.

Some rules are harder to implement and remember. A good Dominant will be patient and allow the submissive to learn the rules, but won’t be lax about making sure the submissive is learning the new rule. Positive reinforcement is helpful here. If you are in a discipline dynamic, the punishments during the adjustment period should be light or non-existent. After all, you probably didn’t learn new habits right off the bat too. Submissives are super, but far fewer have super powers.

A good rule of thumb is to start with 3 rules. Then once those three are pretty solidly performed, you can add 3 more.

Rules Become Habit

Another difficulty of having rules in a dynamic is when they become habit. I know what you are thinking, “lunaKM, there is nothing wrong with rules becoming habits!” But I disagree and here’s why. If a rule becomes a habit for the submissive, they aren’t as mindful about the rule. It’s also easier to slip on the rule because your mind has transitioned to it being a routine habit. It lowers it’s importance. For some people, it’s a good thing that a rule becomes a habit, because honestly, this whole thing is about behavior changes that stick so that you mold yourself into your most genuine self.

What I suggest, is if you notice that a rule is a habit that you remove it from the set of rules. It’s still expected of the submissive and I doubt you’ll stop doing something that’s a habit (and if you do, add it back to rules). You could add a new rule if that’s something that interests you. I enjoy getting new rules because that enlivens the dynamic for me. Both the Dominant and submissive have to be more aware during the new rule phase and it makes things more intense.

Discipline and Punishment for Rule Violations

Not all D/s relationships have punishment or discipline in them, so figuring out how to handle situations where a submissive fails to follow the rules laid out can be difficult. Often this will involve a lot of intense conversation between Dom and sub to figure out why the rule lapsed and how to get back on track. These discussions can be hard because you have to not only deduce if the lapse was intentional or caused by something exterior to the relationship (say job or emergency). Then work together to get back on track.

And even if you do have a punishment dynamic, figuring out what punishment to dole out is challenging. Many people, myself included, are masochist. Threatening to spank me for a rule violation probably wouldn’t work as well as something I don’t typically enjoy. Now this isn’t to say that you can’t give corporeal punishment to a masochist, but it has to be done just right or it won’t have the impact you are hoping for. Other ideas are removing privileges, such as TV or internet time, writing lines or standing in a corner could have a better effect for someone who enjoys pain. What’s best of one person may not be best for another and I’ve always felt that if the punishment was similar to the crime; for example if the rule was no pop without permission, then a punishment might be no pop at all for a certain amount of time. It sure would push me to remember to ask from then on.

Of course, your millage may vary and you the challenges you face when adding rules to your D/s or M/s dynamic could be different. Let me know in the comments what walls you have come upon pertaining to rules and I might do my next video post on it!

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Published on September 16, 2016 07:00

September 14, 2016

Ask lunaKM – Quickies: Dog Collars, Task Lists and Con-artist Doms

It’s time for another round of quick answers for questions you have sent in!

Dear SG,
I’m wondering if a dog prong collar would be safe to use for a collar? I’m intrigued by the sharpness of it but don’t want to use one if it’d be too dangerous.

You gave me a vision of Silas in “The Da Vinci Code” with his leg cilice. My question back to you is if you’d use it on your dog if you thought it was sharp? They aren’t meant to puncture skin on a dog, I wouldn’t think. Collars that we wear in the scene are also not meant to have weight on them, such as being pulled on by a leash or using it as part of bondage, so go for it. It could be an interesting experience but I doubt you’ll have a need to choke on it.

I am in a long distance relationship with my submissive and I’ve started making lists of tasks for her to complete could you give me ideas on tasks I could give her and punishments for when she fails to complete them?

No, I really can’t. I don’t know how your dynamic is set up, I don’t know your desires, limits, and preferences. I do believe that punishment should fit the crime and only if your relationship is established to be a punishment dynamic. Not all relationships are set up that way. With that said, you might find the post, Tasks and Projects – How to Keep Them In Line on Dominant Guide useful.

Do you have any posts about how to survive online “conDoms”? I’ve fallen victim now three times and my heart can’t take anymore. Thank you

Yes, there are a couple of posts and Ask Anything questions about con artists and scams. I suggest you check out the posts about starting relationships and the online submission category to get some better idea of how those sorts of relationships work. My best advice is to take it slower and get off the internet and meet them as soon as possible. That will prove to you they are in it for more than online playtime. Anyone else have some quick tips for this submissive?

Ask Submissive Guide: He Wants Me to Send Money as a Sign of Commitment

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on September 14, 2016 07:00

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