Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 14

November 16, 2016

Ask Submissive Guide – He Cheated and I’m Not Over It Yet

Hello SG,
I’m struggling with a problem that has been following me for quite some time now. My Dominant and I have been through hell and high water, involving ‘light’ cheating (sexting each other, meeting up, but did not have sex) while I was away on holiday with family. This was almost a year ago. I chose to stay with him and move past it. He has not spoken to this woman since (or been unfaithful since) and we have been closer than ever (2 years now). I let it go seeing as for both of us, it was our first serious relationship and we were reaching our 1 year mark and both afraid of commitment and his fear, to me, was voiced through action.

However, I am finding that my jealousy of this woman has never left as every time I make a mistake in my submission such as just generally forgetting something my Dominant likes, it is as if she is in the back of my head, laughing at me. I realise this sounds a little crazy, but I don’t mean it to be. My point is, is there a way I can stop measuring myself up to the woman he had an affair with every time I do something wrong? Is there any way I can make this positive? Did I overestimate the impact of the unfaithfulness on our relationship? I feel so silly for it having such an effect on me because to most people it wouldn’t even be considered cheating.
Thank you for any advice you can give.
Sincerely,
Unable to Forget

Well, let me clear up one thing for you right now. It doesn’t matter what “most” people might consider cheating. If you felt that the bonds of your relationship were bruised or broken due to your partner’s actions, he cheated, and your feelings are important and valid.

If it’s still on your mind all this time later, it’s definitely an issue that needs to be dealt with. While your feelings of not measuring up to this other woman may seem like something you should just get over, two years later, it sounds to me like you never dealt with those feelings in the first place.

And yes, you may have overestimated the impact of his actions on your relationship. The question is, what are you going to do about it now?

I’m a big advocate of talking to your partner first. If you haven’t already, find a time when you can have and keep his attention and tell him how you feel. The conversation shouldn’t center around making him feel guilty (although he might) but on how you feel now and how it’s affecting your relationship. Listen to what he says and then listen to yourself. Do you feel he’s being sincere? Has he really earned your trust back? Sometimes a relationship can be mended, and sometimes it can’t.

If through his actions or his words, your feelings of jealousy and insecurity aren’t alleviated even a little, and you want to continue the relationship, you may want to see a kink-friendly therapist. You can find one at the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom website or go onto to Fetlife and look for groups from your local area and ask for recommendations. Only you can decide if you can move past your feelings and his actions or not, but it helps to talk to someone who’s objective and can help you look at the situation from all angles.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on November 16, 2016 07:00

November 15, 2016

Bullet Journal: BDSM Scene Reflection Spreads

A month or so ago, I wrote a brief review of the Bullet Journal system, and of how I’ve found it to be really helpful in keeping my household duties and side projects in order. My review focused primarily on the standard ways that you can use the book to get yourself into the habit of journaling, and then briefly addressed how the process of bullet journaling can be tied into your style of submission. Because my intent was never to combine my bullet journal with my submission portfolio, I didn’t go into too many ideas for spreads that you could put in the journal, however the bullet journal itself is a fantastic way for subs who have trouble writing to keep track of their interests, limits, wants, and needs, as well as general reflections. Since the more standard layouts (daily, weekly, monthly spreads) for bullet journals are fairly easy to find on the internet, I want to talk less about how to use those common spreads, and more about ways that you can create spreads specifically for your submission.

Today, we’ll go through the two spreads that I’ve made for scene reflection.

Why use the spreads?

Reflecting on what transpires in a scene is an important, easily overlooked part of aftercare. While most aftercare focuses either specifically on your physical needs, or a combination of physical and emotional needs, reflection is really important for focusing and developing and understanding the psychological aspect of submission. Through reflection, you can create clear paths of communication with your Dom/Top, and you can focus on activities and aspects of submission/bottoming that you find yourself struggling with.

Choosing a Template: The Checklist

I have created two different spreads for two different styles of reflection. The first spread, the checklist, was designed specifically for integrating new aspects and activities into your routine. You’ve got the opportunity to list multiple activities—either completely new or activities that you’re revisiting—and to use the scene that’s transpired as a springboard for how you felt about it. Simply write the activities that were new, or that are being reintroduced into your routine, and identify what your comfort level is.

Download the Checklist Spread Template - 3 Designs Available

This is also a great way to chart how your feelings about certain activities change over the course of several sessions or even several years of practice. If you find yourself falling out of love with an activity that used to be a favourite, it’s important to be able to identify that and to express that to your Dom so that he/she can adjust the plans for future scenes accordingly, if desired. On the other hand, if you’ve struggled with an activity, and in the middle of a session, something finally clicks for you, having the checklist can help you express that.

The second half of the template is a general reflection page. I left it free form so that you could have the freedom to focus on whatever aspects of the scene you feel specifically need to be addressed. You could make it short and sweet, or, if you’re more inclined to writing free-form, you can continue on to another page in your journal.

Choosing a Template: The Guideline

The second template that I made was originally designed as a way to expand on the checklist, but in reality, it can be used just as easily for a quick, overall reflection of the scene. The information that you put in each box can focus as lightly or as heavily as you want on either the physical aspects of the scene, the emotional aspects, or both, but the most important part of this template is the “next time” section.

The “next time” is where you’ll want to give yourself the opportunity to explore what comes next and how you and your Dom can improve each other’s pleasure. So, if something didn’t go quite right, if the mood of the scene was broken, or didn’t go as smoothly as you or your Dom would have liked, this is the place where you can talk about it. Jot down your ideas for improvement, add activities that you can try to incorporate, and express what doors you think may shut or open for you in the near future.

Download the Guideline Spread Template - 3 Designs Available

Combining the Templates

In addition to choosing one template or the other, you can easily use both. Instead of writing a free-form reflection in the checklist spread, you can subscribe to the reflection guidelines of “I felt, I thought, I liked, and next time” for each activity. This is a particularly nice thing to do if you’re reviewing a specific kind of toy, or if you’re trying more than one new activity out at once. By breaking your reflection down into any of the applicable parts from the guideline page, you can help yourself identify specifically which activities are budding/waning interests, which areas are a struggle, and what your expectations are for yourself the next time you and your Dom play.

Designing your Own Spread

The most important rule of the Bullet Journal is that your entries and spreads have to be quick enough and easy enough that you want to spend the time doing them. If you love the idea of having a spread to review and reflect on scenes, but neither of these spreads fit what you’re after, then making your own is definitely the way to go. The key elements of the pages essentially break down to:

Defining activities as necessary
Creating a safe space for you to reflect on those activities
Making sure that you can use the page as a starting point for dialogue between you and your Dom/Top if necessary

Do you have ideas for Bullet Journal spreads that can be used for submission? Think you’ll use one of these spreads or something like it? Share below!

Until next time,

Kallista

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Published on November 15, 2016 07:00

November 14, 2016

9 Books on BDSM and D/s I’ve Read More Than Once (They’re THAT Good!)

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 7/9/16

When I started exploring BDSM and D/s relationships in 2003 there weren’t a lot of resources available. Those that were available were considered bibles of BDSM, essential reading for those who wanted books to read. (Which seems self-serving since they were the only resources, of course people suggested reading them.) But now, the world of books and ebooks on BDSM and D/s topics is growing. I love books. They don’t disappear like websites and you can refer to them frequently. And that’s why I made this list. These are books that I’ve pulled off the shelf time and again because the information was great, the author spoke to me or I’ve used it to learn about things I haven’t much experience with.

Check out this list and see if there are any books you’d like to add to your own resource library.

1. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

[image error]The classic guide to sadomasochism by two experienced players. This unabashed, entertaining book strips away myth, shame and fear, revealing the truth about an intense form of eroticism too long misunderstood and condemned. It is fully indexed and includes over 225 photos and illustrations, a 250-plus word glossary, appendices with over 650 contacts for SM related clubs, stores, craftspeople and literature. — from Amazon.com

This was the first book I purchased when I was looking for knowledge that I couldn’t find on the internet (still in its infancy). It was a revelation for me to connect with something that I had sensed was different about me, but couldn’t put into words. It was the one of the major turning points in my D/s and BDSM life, to have something staring me in the face with the terminology that I longed to know and understand.

While the book is older and in need of an update, it has wonderful illustrations and basic technique that will never go out of style. Just don’t rely on the appendices for contact information. Much of that is long defunct. I still think it’s a great book to read and reference, especially if you are new to BDSM and want to get the gist of things before exploring on your own.

Check out more of my opinion on the book in my review and then check out the Amazon listing for more reviews and to purchase it for yourself.

2. The Ritual of Dominance & Submission: A Guide to High Protocol Dominance & Submission by David English

[image error] Within these pages lay the elusive secrets to defining structure and ritual to alternative dominant/submissive and master/slave lifestyle dynamics within your personal life or your community. You will find a definitive resource for building, practicing and maintaining rituals and protocols within your relationship or group, without having to go join a secret society, or convincing someone to mentor you on their private secrets for success. –from Amazon.com

I have just picked this book back up again to read it through, this time taking notes because I forget some of the gems this book has. I love the author’s thoughts on establishing any sort of protocol and the examples of what it could look like make it a special book on my shelf. KnyghtMare and I are always looking for ways to add more protocol and ritual to our dynamic and this book has been a fantastic resource to refer to time and again as we build the relationship that fulfills us and brings us joy.

I realize this book might not suit everyone’s tastes, as establishing any sort of protocol can be a kink in itself, it does give you some great insight into why people who do have protocol enjoy it and how to relate to people you might meet that are a protocol couple. If you are looking to understand the many different relationship styles you won’t want to miss this book. It covers an often covert niche of D/s dynamics that I find fascinating!

Curious? Read more of my review of this book on the site and then pick up your copy at Amazon.com!

3. Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

[image error] Whether you’re a trembling novice or a jaded expert, there’s always something new to be discovered in the endlessly changing, complex and titillating world of kink. While there are plenty of other books out there that explain how to give a spanking or tie a half-hitch, Playing Well With Others is the first book that explains kink *culture* — the munches, parties, leather bars, conferences, workshops, fetish nights, exploratoriums and all the other gatherings of kinksters that turn BDSM and leather from a bedroom predilection to a lifestyle and a community. — from Amazon.com

When I first heard this book was being written and a Kickstarter campaign was up for getting it published I chipped in. First, it’s written by 2 of my favorite BDSM educators and second its on a topic that I feel needs to be out there and handled well. The authors did an amazing job.

This is a book that I have raved over time and again because it’s an excellent guide for people wishing to leave their homes and meet the community. So much of what we already know about munches and conventions is through first-hand accounts. None of it really lays down common sense guidelines that a newcomer could use. It helps you learn how to interact with the people in the community – something a lot of people could learn.

If you want to explore the local and regional communities, check out my review and then pick up your own copy on Amazon.com.

4. Enough To Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation by Princess Kali

[image error] Erotic humiliation goes far beyond the “Lick my boots!” stereotype. Princess Kali, a famous former Dominatrix and world-renowned Humiliatrix, throws open the dungeon doors to explore the complex desires that fuel this kind of psychological play for both dominants and submissives. Using both personal experience and extensive interviews she shares advice and detailed ideas for a broad range of embarrassing, humiliating, and degrading ways to enjoy consensual kinky fun. Also covered are important concepts such as communication, negotiation, consent, triggers, aftercare, and so much more.

I know I’ve talked about this book a lot since it came out and I admit to being a Ms Kali fan-girl, but the content in this book is amazing and very helpful for anyone exploring humiliation play.

Humiliation play is a challenging thing to get into because of the potential for disaster but when you learn how to do it safely it can be a fantastic way to play and for those that aren’t interested in pain or impact play you might consider adding a bit of humiliation play into your repertoire.

Wondering about all the ways humiliation can be added to your play? Check out my review and then head over the Amazon.com.

5. BDSM Mastery-Relationships:: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives by Robert Rubel PhD and Jen Fairfield

[image error] This is the second book in the BDSM Mastery series. While the first book oriented readers to play, parties, and scene protocols, this book addresses Dominant/submissive relationships. What, you might ask, are “BDSM Relationships?” These are “adventuresome” relationships. Relationships that are not exactly like vanilla relationships. BDSM relationships differ in two specific ways from your typical vanilla relationship: first, they usually involve a power-imbalanced structure (one person is clearly in charge and the other person is clearly following); second, the kind of sex that adventuresome folks practice is, well, not vanilla. I wrote this book to help you better to understand the power dynamics that get involved with what are called power-imbalanced relationships (usually referred to as Dominant/submissive or D/s relationships).

Learning how to set up and nurture a D/s relationship is the core of this book and I highly suggest everyone who is new-to or changing their relationship to D/s to pick up a copy and refer to it while building your personal dynamic. Clearly the D/s relationship style is the same as vanilla but different, right? Wrong. With this book you’ll begin to see how to mold your identities and make the best of your relationship. I’ve read through this book twice and keep it on the shelf for reference.

I’ve yet to write a review of this book, but you can pick up your own copy at Amazon.com.

6. Leading and Supportive Love by Chris M. Lyon

[image error] Have you felt ‘left out’ of the traditional relationship self-help books because you derive great pleasure from following your partner’s requests and direction on many things in your life? Or do you respond to the natural inclination to guide, direct and protect your partner? Are your friends and family having difficulty understanding that your relationship works more like a captain and first mate on a boat?

If so, this innovative book, Leading and Supportive Love, the Truth about Dominant and Submissive Relationships, can help with new and clearer understanding of yourself, your relationship and acceptance with those that you love and care for.

The book omits all references to D/s or BDSM so if your partner is a bit freaked out by those terms, try this book. It’s also a FANTASTIC book for counselors so understand your relationship without muddying up the conversation with BDSM terms. I’ve used this book numerous times to talk about how my relationship is different than others and helping my friends understand why I defer to KnyghtMare for decision making and whatnot.

I’ve got a review on this site and you can grab your own copy at Amazon.com

7. Where I am Led: A Service Exploration Workbook by Christina Parker

[image error] This book is for the use of slaves who wish to perfect their life by daily, weekly and monthly written exercises. The assignments are thoughtful and provoking and lead the novice into a higher understanding of the slave culture. This is a revised and expanded second edition of Parker’s “The Path of Service”.

I am very impressed with this workbook because of the personal growth I felt as I worked through “The Path to Service”. I’m a sucker for journal prompts and activities that can better myself and my submission and this book does what it says. It helps you explore service submission. A lot of what I learned here I have been able to pay it forward and write about here on the site for you to learn from. This is definitely a valuable workbook to have in your collection.

Read my review and then go get your own at Amazon.com

8. Living M/s; A Book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships by Dan and Dawn Williams

[image error]

This book is a valuable resource for those interested in real-time Total Power Exchange Relationships. Dan and dawn share the reality behind the lifestyle that so many only fantasize about. This is a book based on the experience of a couple, who has been living together as Master and slave for well over a decade and covers such topics as: challenges of living as a M/s couple; building your own M/s dynamic; changing terminology; the communities of M/s and BDSM and how they dance together (and apart); styles of D/s and M/s; Ms and polyamory; leather; orchestrating situations with multiple slaves, as well as many other topics.

When I first read this book, I was just embracing my new label as slave and felt inadequate at times. As I slipped through the pages, I learned so much of what I thought was “right” was actually a simple misunderstanding of my own definitions. Yes, we were leading an M/s life long before I called myself slave and this book reaffirmed what I thought of M/s relationships. If you’ve wanted a glimpse into the world of 24/7 TPE then this is your best first book to pick up.

Submissive Guide hosted a book club event on this book and I’ve reviewed it too. Pick up your own copy at Amazon.com.

9. The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

[image error] Almost a decade ago, the first Bottoming Book taught tens of thousands of people that bottoming – being a submissive, masochist, slave, ‘boy’ or ‘girl, ‘ or other BDSM recipient — is as much an art as topping. Since then, the growing popularity of BDSM, and the blossoming of the Internet as a source of information and connection, have created a whole new universe of possibilities for players. Now, the completely updated revised New Bottoming Book gives even more insights and ideas, updated for a new millennium, about how to be a successful, popular bottom!

When a book gets updated, you never know if it’s going to be as great as the first edition, but Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton deliver! This book focuses more on the play aspects of a relationship, about casual play at parties and the bottom’s role in many other situations. If the whole 24/7 outside the bedroom submission isn’t for you, then this book is the one you want. It’s prefect for bedroom players and BDSM aficionados of all kinds. It makes this list because it’s one of those books that works no matter where you find yourself in your discovery.

Read my review here, and grab yourself one at Amazon.com.

Ultimately, I hope you use this as a guide to finding your next learning experience. Do you have a book or two that you’ve read numerous times and highly recommend?

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Published on November 14, 2016 07:00

November 11, 2016

BDSM and Kids: How Your Kink May Change Over the Years

Ask a new parent, kinky or not, about their sex life, and they’ll probably say, “What sex life?” When you’re only getting a couple hours of sleep at a time or feeding a baby around the clock, sex is usually the last thing on your mind. While D/s relationships tend to have more communication about sex than a vanilla relationship, parenting is the same no matter what flavor your relationship is.

That means, like a non-kinky relationship, your desire for and ability to have sex will change through the different stages of parenting. Don’t worry or freak out. Realize this is normal, and if you’re determined to enjoy as much kink as possible, get creative and be patient with yourself and your partner. This parenting thing makes sex tough sometimes.

Pregnancy

I’ve never been pregnant as a submissive so I can’t tell you exactly how to be kinky when you’re growing a baby. People ask me about it, though. Here’s what I say:

Be careful and talk to your doctor. There are kink-friendly doctors out there, though they are hard to find. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) has a great resource you can use. Even if yours isn’t, ask what kinds of things you should avoid while you’re pregnant. Yes, this may mean you tell them you like rough sex and kinky stuff.
Unless a doctor tells you otherwise, I’d refrain from impact play unless you’re very familiar with anatomy as a doctor, physical therapist, nurse, etc, and know what you can and can’t do.
Consider modifying your tasks during pregnancy. Growing life in your body is exhausting so keeping up with a bunch of tasks is harder to do.
Don’t feel bad if you can’t kneel when you’re pregnant. At a certain point, you can’t see your feet anymore. I can’t imagine getting down on the floor and then getting back up again.
Communicate with your Dominant about how you feel emotionally, mentally, and physically. What you need to help you feel calm and centered will be different from submissive to submissive (and trimester to trimester), but talk to your partner to find what works for you.
Have sex, as long as you and the baby are healthy, while you can. It might not be the wild, crazy, rough sex of your pre-pregnancy days, but believe me, when that baby comes, sex will be rare for a while. Enjoy it while you can.
Babies and Toddlers

Once you’ve popped out a baby and waited until your doctor tells you can have sex again, now you’re dealing with anfanty and, later, a toddler. To a certain extent, it’s a little easier to get kinky with an infant around because they stay where you put them (at least for a while), so if you’re feeling up for it, you can get a little bit of kink on while the baby naps. Of course, that’s also when you try to take a shower, wash a few dishes, and do some laundry. I get it, finding time for sex is hard with a new baby whether you’re kinky or not.

The laundry and dishes will still be there when the baby wakes up. My personal recommendation is to get as much kinky fun in when you can while you can. Even a ten minute spanking or a quick fuck with hair pulling is good. You’ll be more relaxed and better able to handle the crying, eating, pooping machine you’ve brought into your life.

If you decide to co-sleep or once your toddler realizes they like your bed better than their own, having kinky fun is more of a challenge. Don’t feel discouraged if you find it hard to fit in and find time for. This stage of life doesn’t last forever – I promise! Keep the lines of communication open with your Dominant and find other non-sexual things you can do that will help you feel submissive.

Older Kids

We’ll call this from about age five and up. For the most part, barring health issues and other things that can happen with our kids, this is a good time. They sleep through the night and need you a little less. If you’ve got them on a good bedtime routine, you might get a couple of hours to yourself before you pass out from exhaustion. Your kink can increase by this stage, unless of course, you’ve still got a baby or a toddler on your hip.

This stage is when I discovered kink and re-discovered my sexual self, so when I say it’s doable, this time I’m talking from pure experience as a kinkster (not just a mom). You still have to be creative with your time and what you do, but you have a lot more time for sex and fun now than you did before. Take advantage of it! Get the babysitter, call a grandparent, something, and get kid-free time so you can really get kinky. (Note: you can do this when they’re babies and toddlers, too, but I know a lot of us are too tired at that stage.)

Teenagers

I have a tween so I’m not to this point yet, but I have kinky friends with teenagers and kids going off to college. What they tell me is that they have a lot more time for their kink now than they did before because their kids have their own social life and are rarely home. However, don’t get too comfortable because this is the age when my friend’s kids caught them. They didn’t see anything explicit, but they saw sex toys and other kinky items. Now it’s kind of the family joke for them, but it’s still something to you’ll want to consider.

You have a lot more freedom, but, depending on your kids, you may also get more complicated questions than you used to. Another kinky friend of mine has good relationships with both of her sons, and one felt comfortable telling her he was Dominant in his early 20s. Of course, he also tries to Dom her, but she’s always Mom so he doesn’t get away with it.

No matter where you are in life as a parent, you can have your kinky life, too. What you have to remember is that it will ebb and flow with the currents of your parenting responsibilities. Don’t feel bad if you feel less submissive or have less kinky sex when you’re pregnant or raising babies. Try to find things that keep you in touch with your submissive self during those times, and remember that your kids won’t be little forever.

At each stage of your parenting life, if you’re creative and patient, you can find ways to be your kinky self. One day, you’ll be able to walk around in nothing but a collar and be a kinky freak all day long because your kids have (finally) moved out. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

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Published on November 11, 2016 07:00

November 10, 2016

BDSM and Kids: When Kids Ask Awkward Questions

With kids, it’s inevitable that they’re going to ask questions that make you want to curl up into a ball, cover your ears, and sing, “La-la-la, I can’t hear you!” This isn’t a kink thing, it’s a parent thing.

However, as a kinkster, there’s a chance that, eventually, they’ll see or hear something and ask you about it.

Don’t panic! You can do this. You’ve answered questions about poop, penises, and what those ducks were doing to one another in the park (or was that just me?). You’ve got this.

Be Proactive

I do not mean that you should bring out your flogger and explain to a five-year-old what it is. Instead, be open about sex (in general) and about accepting people who are different than we are. Remember, as kinksters, we’re on the fringe of what society deems appropriate. If you teach your children to accept differences in general, it’ll be easier for them accept sexual differences in you or other people when they’re old enough to understand.

Talking about sex with your kids before they ask is also something I recommend. Of course, as parents, we have to do what we think is right, and we should be age-appropriate in our conversations. Waiting until after you’re caught tied up to the bed with your Dominant partner coming on your face probably isn’t the time to explain that parents do grown-up things with each other, and when your child is much (much, much, much) older, they can do grown-up things, too.

I had a sex talk with my oldest when he was nine. He wanted to know how babies were made. We talked in general terms. I also made it clear that he could ask me anything. Which is how I found myself explaining porn a year later. The extra challenge was that his younger brother was around so I had to make it age appropriate for him and understandable for my oldest. Fun times.

Be Age-Appropriate

Telling my (now) seven year old that parents make babies is different than explaining to an 11-year-old about sperm and eggs. If you get a question about kink as in, “What is that leather thing in your closet?” try hard not to freak out. Tell your kids or don’t, that’s certainly a personal preference. Since my oldest doesn’t even want me to say the word “sex” to him, I can tell him that it’s something grown-ups use, and when he’s older (much, much, much older), we can talk about it. He knows “what grown-ups do” is code for sex, and he doesn’t really want to know more.

However, if my youngest asks what something is, I say, “It’s Mom’s” and leave it at that. Of course, I also make a mental note to hide the toys better or notice when they’ve gone into my bedroom.

Lie or Refuse to Answer But Don’t Freak Out

My oldest once heard me getting a spanking. I don’t have an age-appropriate way to explain spankings (if you do, please share) so we lied through our teeth and said we were clapping. Parents lie all the time, and I don’t feel bad about it. Depending on the age of your child, when they ask, or what they found, you don’t have to tell them anything.

To me, it’s more important not to freak out on them and make them feel bad for being curious or asking. We’re parents, most of us have said a few times, “Because I said so” or “Because I’m an adult and you’re a kid.” Some of the awkward questions they ask aren’t things they need to know, especially if it’s directly related to D/s and kink. We protect (or try to) minors from kink in the online world all the time. This isn’t much different.

My go-to answer is always, “It’s grown-up stuff” or “It’s not for kids.” My kids accept those answers, for now. I feel like it’s okay to do because I’m already proactively talking to them about sex in more general ways. As they get older, if they’re curious and they’re willing to talk to me about it, I may give them more details but that will depend on their maturity level at the time.

Ultimately, as parents, we have to do what feels right for our children, our families, and let’s be honest, our own sanity. I think we do a disservice to the future sexual health of our kids if we refuse to talk about anything with them, but I don’t think they need to know the details of kinky sex or BDSM until they’re older. When you get that first question or two, you might find it hard to talk about, but with practice and time, it becomes easier. I blushed when I explained the mechanics of sex to my oldest, but when I described menstruation (and why he should be nice to girls about it), it was an easier conversation to have – at least, it was easier for me.

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Published on November 10, 2016 07:00

November 9, 2016

BDSM and Kids: Getting Kinky With Kids Around

When someone asks me how it’s possible to be kinky when you have kids, I know they’re imagining that it must be difficult to have a scene, enjoy kinky sex, or do anything remotely kinky as a parent. It’s not impossible to get kinky, but it requires creativity and discipline. It also depends on how badly you want your kinky fun, too.

Over the past few years, I’ve found certain things help me feel submissive, enjoy kinky sex, and even have BDSM scenes as a parent.

Setting a Routine

Long before I discovered my submissive side, I learned the importance of having a routine for my kids, especially a set bedtime every night. Without it, they didn’t get enough sleep, behaved badly, and generally ran wild during the day. This Mama couldn’t handle all of that, and a bedtime was born. After I divorced their father, I realized that it wasn’t just good for them, it was good for me, too. Those hours after they went to bed were moments I could spend doing non-Mom things, like learning about BDSM.

These days, in my own D/s relationship, I’m grateful that my kids go to bed and (mostly) fall asleep right away because that’s the routine they’re used to. Once they’re in bed, I can call him “Daddy,” we can talk about kink or sex, and when we’re ready to settle down for the night, we can get as kinky as time, space, and exhaustion allow.

If your kids don’t have an established bedtime but you want them to, be patient. The transition isn’t going to be easy, and they’ll let you know how angry they are about it. My oldest was five before we got him on a good bedtime, and it took three weeks. Three very long weeks. You have to do what feels right as a parent, but personally, I’m a big believer in a set bedtime every night.

Learning How to Play Quietly

Okay, so your kids are in bed, but you’re a screamer. How does that work? I’m a screamer, too, so I get it. Plus, spankings, paddles, and floggers are noisy. Throw in a giant vibrator, and it might sound like there’s an orgy going on in your bedroom. If your kids aren’t sound sleepers, your walls are thin, or you’re kids’ rooms are next to yours, this is definitely a problem.

Over the years, I’ve learned how to be quieter when we get kinky. He made it a game one time. One day we were getting kinky while the windows were wide open, and although music covered some of the sounds, my screams are pretty shrill. The challenge was to enjoy the kink without screaming. When I succeeded, I was rewarded with an orgasm (yummy!). It’s not easy, but like other skills, you can do it with patience and practice.

There are all kinds of methods for muting the noise. Try a ball gag or covering your mouth to stifle the sounds. Try out different types of toys and use the quietest ones when your kids are in the house. You may have to modify how you play when there’s a chance you’ll be heard, but it can still be fun and sexy.

Playing Away from Home

Playing at a party or a local BDSM club isn’t always an option, so the alternative for this one is to play at home while the kids are at school or a friend’s house. My personal favorite is when they’re with their grandparents during the summer. Either way, find time and space to play when you’re not worried about being heard (or caught).

Think about the amount of time you have and plan for that. Whether we have two hours at home or we’re kid-free for the evening at the club, we maximize our time for the most fun. We do the things we can’t do otherwise – bring out the big paddle, turn on the big vibrator, play until I cry or scream (or both). We know this has to last us until the next time we’re kid-free so we fit as much kink in as possible.

It’s often easier to play at home than it is to go somewhere else. Both John Brownstone and I have taken a personal day to get some much needed kinky playtime. If you can afford it, call in sick on the same day and don’t leave your house until it’s time to pick up the kids from school. You’ll have fun and probably find you’re more connected and energized with each other, too.

Kinky Things that Don’t Look Kinky

Another good way to be kinky when the kids are around is to do things that don’t look kinky to anyone. These are the tasks and rules that you follow as a submissive that please your Dominant. They can be anything. If working out or cleaning pleases your Dominant, that counts. If picking out your Dominant’s work clothes is what they want, that counts. Remember why you’re doing your tasks, and that will help you feel submissive.

Your children don’t have to know why you’re doing things for your Dominant. Most of the time, they’ll only ask if it’s a dramatic departure from your normal routine. And if they do ask, tell them that you’re helping your partner or that you like to make them happy. Those are things that they can understand without asking too many awkward questions.

Finding tasks that help you feel submissive is good for getting your kink on and for helping you transition from parent to submissive throughout the day. Sit down with your Dominant and go over the tasks you already have to make sure they work for both of you. You may also want to ask about new tasks that you can take on, if you have time and can handle more responsibility.

You don’t have to wait until your kids grow up and move out of your house to get kinky. You just have to be creative about it. Think about it, vanilla parents have sex with their kids in the house (well, sometimes they do). You can too. Plan for your scenes, play as best as you can when they’re at home with you, and remember all the other kinky but not sexual things you do during the day.

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Published on November 09, 2016 07:00

November 8, 2016

BDSM and Kids: Handling the Role of Parent and Submissive

As a submissive who has to interact with the outside world whether that’s work, family, or going to the grocery store, you already know that it can be hard to switch back and forth between roles and expectations. Frankly, after a long week of being my vanilla self, I’m exhausted, cranky, and usually feeling not-so-submissive. As a babygirl, a temper tantrum isn’t far away – mine, not the kids.

When you’re a parent, the switch between roles is more frequent and, in my opinion, more exhausting. It’s important to realize, though, that it’s normal, and with a few tips and tricks, you can handle the transitions between submissive life and parenting life.

Parenting Mode

One moment I’m speaking sweetly and softly to my Dominant, John Brownstone, and the next I’m yelling, “Get off your brother right now. Do not sit on his head!” or “Don’t you talk back to me!” The first time John Brownstone heard me switch like that, I think he wondered who the crazy lady was and where I got such a deep, mean voice. Years of parenting rowdy kids will do that to you.

In nearly everything, as his submissive in a 24/7 D/s relationship, I defer to him. In a public setting (where I can’t be obvious), I’ll look for a nod or a shake of his head. With the kids, we’ve learned to talk with our eyes. However, when I have to go into “Mom mode,” all bets are off. I don’t countermand him in front of the kids – that’s a good parenting tip whether you’re kinky or vanilla – but I will take over.

I’ve said things like, “I don’t care what anyone says. You will [fill in the blank: show respect, do as I say, etc.] or you can go to your room. Do what I say or deal with the consequences.” Doesn’t sound very submissive, does it? It’s not. Because while I’m submissive to my partner, being a parent requires a completely different role.

Transitioning to My Submissive Role

We are always submissive even if we’re not acting that way. No matter what’s going on, I’m always John Brownstone’s submissive. Always. I may have to be the boss in my career or make decisions as a mom, but his expectations, my rules, and our relationship are always there. Nearly every action I take is with this in mind.

But none of that matters when you’ve had a long day of chasing kids, running errands, helping with homework, sending someone to their room, and arguing about why broccoli is the worst vegetable ever. I’m not proud of the moments when I talk back, act a little too sassy, or really don’t feel like doing my tasks. He knows that a long day as “Mom” wears me out, so we find ways to transition.

Here are a few things we do that you can use in your own relationship:

A nightly ritual after the kids are in bed. For us, I kneel at his feet to give him his coffee and dessert.
Stolen moments when the kids aren’t looking. A quick pull of my hair or a smack on my ass usually reminds me who I belong to.
Small doses of kink before bed. Of course, a full kinky scene would be great, but we’re parents so we’re tired. He spanks my ass every night before bed while I kneel. Sometimes it turns into more, but not always.
Kinky date night! Find your local club or a group of kinky friends to hang out with. Get the babysitter or beg a grandparent to watch the kids and get your kink on. If you can’t be out super late, go to the munch during the day instead. Being out with other people like you can help you feel like your submissive self.
Establish rituals and tasks that won’t be obvious to your kids. Serve your Dominant dinner, bring them the mail to look through, help them undress after work, anything that reminds you of your place will work.

No one ever said being a parent would be easy. I think we figure that out for ourselves within five minutes of bringing a baby home from the hospital. Living your D/s dreams as a submissive can be wonderful and fulfilling but it’s not without its own challenges. Before you get discouraged or think you can’t handle both roles, figure out what helps you to feel more submissive and talk to your Dominant about how you feel and when you need help. You have to do what’s best for you, your kids, and your relationship, but finding the balance and learning how to transition between the roles is easier than you think.

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Published on November 08, 2016 07:00

November 7, 2016

BDSM and Kids: Can You Be a Parent and a Kinkster?

When I talk about my life as a kinkster, I talk about being a parent of two kids. It shocks a lot of people to know I’m in a 24/7 D/s relationship and a parent. A lot of people ask, “How can you be a parent and a submissive?”

I always imagine there’s a bit pearl-clutching going on when some people ask. They’re imagining me naked, collared, and crawling on the floor while my kids eat dinner or watch cartoons. I’m from the South, so I think, “Bless their heart” and smile, before talking to them about what D/s with kids around actually looks like – at least for me.

On the other hand, sometimes it’s a submissive who has kids, wants kids, or whose partner has kids, and they honestly believed the two can’t mix. When I come across that person, I send them a virtual hug and assure them of one very clear thing.

Yes, you can be a parent and a kinkster at the same time.

Is it easy? Not always but when is anything as a parent easy? Is it worth it? I think so. I’ve been a parent as a non-kinkster and now as a submissive, and while I have to be more creative in hiding our sexy fun and kinky toys, I’m much more calm as a mom and in my relationship than I was before kink.

Let’s go over some of the things people believe about why you can’t be both.

Kinksters behave in a sexual or kinky way all the time.

Wrong! I wish I could kneel at my Dominant’s feet, crawl for him, and spend my time naked. That’s the fantasy (or maybe the child-free part) of D/s. In reality, kinksters spend most of our time living, working, and, yes, parenting in a very vanilla world. My children don’t see me naked unless they walk in on me in the bathroom. Considering they’re both boys who are easily embarrassed by the adults in their life, it’s not something I worry about.

You can’t do anything Dominant or submissive with kids around.

Yes you can! The key is to be subtle. I make my Dominant’s coffee. I pour him a cold drink at dinner. I serve him before myself. I offer to get him dessert. These things make me look like I’m being nice, but in reality, I’m doing tasks he set for me when we first moved in together. Not all D/s activities are sexual or obviously kinky.

Your kids might catch you and then they’ll be scarred for life!

Kids walk in on their vanilla parents having sex all the time, and we don’t worry about this issue. First of all, lock your door. Second, realize that your children won’t necessarily think anything is weird or “wrong” with something you’re doing unless you act like it is. If they catch you (so far my kids haven’t walked in on me), remain calm and tell them something age appropriate. “We were have special adult time” for the little ones or “We were having sex” for the kids old enough to understand that concept. You don’t have to go into detail or explain yourself. If you were getting rough, you may need to assure them that no one is hurt or in trouble.

Kids will ask uncomfortable questions that you shouldn’t answer.

Guess what? They ask uncomfortable questions that have nothing to do with sex All. The. Time. “Mom, why is your belly squishy?” “Mom, why don’t you have a penis?” (Did I mention they’re both boys?) “Mom, why is that lady so old?” That last one is usually asked at top volume in the middle of a grocery store. As a parent, we have to deal with awkward questions from our kids every single day. Whether they catch you having sex, see your leather corset, or, like me, hear you being spanked, you can handle the question better than you think.

Children don’t need to know about kinky sex.

Since my children are 11 and 6, for right now, I agree with that so I don’t talk about kink with them. I am educating them about sex, though. But everything they learn is age appropriate and based on questions they’re asking or the stage they’re at. My oldest cringes when I say the word “sex”, so talking about kink isn’t something I worry about, but if he asked something specific, I would find a way to answer his question.

If you’ve been avoiding exploring your kinky side because you’re a parent and thought you couldn’t, reconsider. You have to be more creative with what you do – and when you do it – but it is definitely possible to have your kinky side and be a parent. Like everything we do as parents, it’s about trying to find the balance and what works best for your family.

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Published on November 07, 2016 07:00

November 5, 2016

Limited Time Offer – Pick up The Submissive Advent Calendar NOW!

You’ve been asking for this since the first series on the blog 4 years ago and now I’m able to say that I’m proud to release the Submissive Advent Calendar as an ebook! I’ve worked with kallista to make a beautiful ebook full of suggestions to make your holiday season just a bit more focused on submission, your personal growth, and service. Days have been revised, adding more options for you to choose and the beautiful look is pleasant and makes you look forward to the day’s activities.

Every day from December 1st through the 24th has two activities to choose from to help you bring a bit of joy to your holidays related to your choice in submission. Single or in a relationship, you will be able to go through this calendar and find a way to reconnect with yourself while the hectic days go by.

Something this special can’t last forever. Since this is a holiday ebook, I’m only putting it up for sale for $6.99 USD from today through December 5th! You have just this limited window to pick up the ebook or it’s gone until next year.

Want to learn more and check out a sample page? Click here to go check out all the details!

If you don’t need to be convinced, click here to buy your own Submissive Advent Calendar NOW!

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Published on November 05, 2016 07:00

November 4, 2016

[Freebie] Writing a D/s Contract

Today I’m sharing with you all the information I know about D/s contracts, from the whys and hows to the minute details of what happens once it’s signed. I also include an example contract for you to customize your own.

Download it Now!

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[Free Download] Submissive Starter Kit from Submissive Playground
What is a Contract?

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Published on November 04, 2016 07:00

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